Warning: Dicks. Dicks everywhere. Because it is just one chapter, the entirety of this story will be staying at its current rating. But this chapter probably could be rated R. I'm hoping that we're all mature enough to handle discussions of anatomy that half the world possesses without acting like sugar-high third-graders. This isn't really going to get more graphic than anything you'd learn in a middle-school health class, but still. It's pretty much a chapter about dicks. And Anthony Weiner, and Twitter, and hackers. But also dicks.
I will say this: this is probably the most potentially offensive chapter so far. I've tried to make it entertaining and light-hearted (by popular demand, please welcome Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Anderson Cooper, and Rush Limbaugh), but the nature of this whole topic is so sketchy and just... sophomoric that avoiding everything that could be offensive was impossible. If you think you might be upset by this content, please skip this chapter.
Chapter Twenty-Nine: Twitter Twits, part 1
Alfred loved the Internet. He liked Facebook, that way he was able to keep in touch with the other nations, his leaders, and the leaders of other nations. And although he'd never admit it to anyone, he was involved in a bit of a FarmVille war with Ivan- the first person to make it to level 90 won. He liked YouTube. There was nothing quite like watching that funny cat obsessed with boxes that lived in Japan... Maru, he thought his name was. He found fanfiction websites interesting, if sometimes a bit disturbing, especially the stuff that featured him in rather compromising positions. He'd be lying if he didn't enjoy quite a bit of it, though. He thought MapQuest was the most useful thing he'd ever come across for his trips to other countries. He checked IMDB whenever he watched a movie, that way he would be able to find the information on the actors and plotlines.
But there was one Internet service that had captured the attention of his politicians and the people as well- Twitter. The micro-blogging site at first had baffled Alfred. How the hell were you supposed to say anything of importance in 140 characters or less? It was just ridiculous. But as time went on, and the site exploded in popularity, Alfred finally broke down and decided to get his own Twitter feed. AlfredFJones was his username. Within a few hours he'd gotten almost as many followers as Charlie Sheen.
As with all technology, Alfred was well aware of the potential to abuse it. Twitter had been hacked multiple times, and sometimes people tweeted things they regretted later. But as far as that went, he really hoped that his politicians would be smart enough to not do anything incriminating. But considering the past track record that they seemed to have, he wasn't too optimistic. What were they teaching potential politicians in political science these days, anyway? Alfred thought first on the list would be "don't do anything stupid in public, especially stupid things that are hard to erase, like on the Internet."
Even though he should have been prepared to see his politicians screw up in epic proportions, Alfred certainly wasn't expecting this one. Anthony Weiner, a Congressman from New York, apparently Tweeted a picture of his... rooster... to a college student he had been following on the micro-blogging site. While the penis in question was covered by a pair of boxer shorts, it was still quite obviously rather tumescent, the outline of it clearly visible through the thin cloth. Weiner maintained that he had been hacked by a rather childish, perverted hacker, but he wasn't able to deny whether or not the picture was actually of him or not. Of course, given the nature of the scandal, and not to mention the fact that the Congressman's surname sounded like a childish euphemism for male genitalia, well, of course everyone went nuts. Even more awkward for Alfred was the fact that the very next day was his bi-annual meeting with media figures. And of course, they were cracking more dick jokes than drunk first-year college students at a frat party.
"This whole thing is so hard to swallow," Rush Limbaugh snorted, taking a sip of coffee. "What was he thinking? 'Oh yeah, I'll just be able to tweet a picture of my dick to some girl without any consequences? Did he forget he's a politician and that the media- like me- watches everything he does?"
"Twitter isn't private! What did he think he was doing?" Glenn Beck snickered through a mouthful of donut. "I mean, Rush is right. If he was smart, he would have emailed it, not sent it through Twitter, where the entire Internet can see it! Although, what do you expect from a Democrat?"
"Be nice," Jon Stewart admonished. "The Republicans aren't exactly scandal immune, or did you forget about Airplane Bathroom Guy?"
"But at least he didn't tweet a co-ed a picture of his dick!" Limbaugh interrupted.
"Well, this is certainly going to erect a couple of problems for his mayoral run in 2013," Stephen Colbert deadpanned, causing almost everyone present to snort through their noses. "No, seriously, I mean, this is going to become a serious stumbling block for his campaign!"
"Oh come on," Anderson Cooper interrupted (although he was struggling not to crack a smile). "He says it was a hacker. They've been active lately- didn't you all hear about what they did to PBS? Hackers hack things every day."
"Brilliant insight, Cooper," Glenn Beck retorted. "'Hackers hack things.' No shit, Sherlock!"
"Guys... can we move on with the meeting?" Alfred asked, hoping that they would be able to get into the really important part of the meeting: he needed to tell them that they all needed to double-check their facts, to avoid things like the "palm trees in Wisconsin" incident. But everyone ignored him.
"What do you think, Alfred?" Stewart asked.
"Well... I don't really want to say anything," Alfred replied. "In case I'm wrong, but I know Anthony Weiner. He doesn't seem the type to carelessly tweet an incriminating picture to anyone. He actually came across as a rather nice guy. But at the same time, it wasn't too long ago that we had another Congressman from New York resign because he sent a topless picture of himself out. I honestly don't know. But he says he didn't do it, and the girl who received the image says she thought it was a hacker as well."
"Even so, am I the only one that thinks it's hilarious that this happened to a guy whose surname was Weiner?" Colbert laughed. "I mean, come on, how is that not hilarious?"
"You have the mentality of a kindergartener," Limbaugh shook his head.
"And you don't?"
"That's what makes me think it was a hacker," Anderson Cooper added. "I mean, it's just too coincidental."
"As much as I hate to admit it, he has a point," Glenn Beck agreed. "I mean, if I wanted to tweet something to someone, and my last name was Weiner, I wouldn't... well, tweet that."
"How is it pronounced, anyway?" Jon Stewart muttered.
Once Alfred finally managed to calm his media friends down enough to start the meeting, they had all but forgotten what they were supposed to talk about.
"I swear I didn't do it!" Anthony Weiner yelled at Alfred, after being called into his office. "I didn't do it! I don't know if it's actually a picture of me or not, but I know I didn't tweet that picture!"
"Why would you even have a picture of your junk on your phone?" Alfred asked increduloulsy. "That's your government-issued BlackBerry!"
"It WASN'T on my BlackBerry! It was just a stupid picture, anyway! No one was supposed to see it!"
"I believe you," Alfred said. "And I spoke to the woman who got the picture as well- she says she believes it was a hacker as well. No action will be taken at this time, but you might want to keep a better lock on your Twitter. Don't let the interns tweet for you, and change your password. You should probably make sure your computer itself is protected, too. And just because I say this doesn't mean that other people won't start questioning you. I hope you're prepared for that."
"Yes, I understand."
"Don't worry about it too much," Alfred added. "You're not the first politician to be involved in a scandal. We have one at least once a week! People will eventually forget about it."
To Be Continued
Author's Comments:
OK, to be totally up front with you all: I had never heard of Anthony Weiner before yesterday afternoon, when the story popped up in my newsfeed on my Droid. So I did a lot of research on this whole thing. I don't believe that he was responsible for the tweet, and it seems that almost everyone who isn't Andrew Breitbart is in agreement.
I just wanted to make some stupid dick jokes, OK? But this isn't the only Twitter scandal to happen in recent times, so there's going to be another chapter on this. Also, lots of readers requested Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and Rush Limbaugh to be introduced, and this seemed as good a chapter as any to do it, because you all know they'd include some of these jokes in their program (Limbaugh already did- go to YouTube and search for "rush limbaugh anthony weiner twitter." My friend kept sending me the links).
The next chapter will not be as potentially offensive, I promise.
-Kaboom
