Chapter 29: More Questions, Fewer Answers
Hermione could not stop stealing glances at him (what was she going to call him after all of this? Professor? Sev? Just Snape? What?) from over the top of her book. It was a habit she'd developed in the school's library when she wanted to look at Ron without him noticing she was looking at him. There was something about that look of concentration on his face, especially when he was actually doing his own homework instead of just copying hers, that was incredibly endearing. She pulled her knees up so they pushed between the desk she sat behind and the book cradled open at her chest. The scrunched pose was so familiar that she almost forgot that she wasn't about to see her friends round the corner to drag her out of her studies at any moment.
Ron...Harry….did they even realize she was gone yet?
She didn't want it to hurt as much as it did to imagine that they didn't care enough to notice her absence for an entire weekend. It was Sunday now, she realized as she stared at the tall, black grandfather clock standing against the wall next to the entrance to the library. In addition to the normal minute and hour hands, it had a top rotating part that showed the phases of the moon and a rotating clockwork window at the bottom of the clock face that displayed the date and day of the week. There did not appear to be any metallic weights to keep it wound, so she imagined it probably used some sort of spell to keep it running and in order.
There's still so much magic I want to know more about.
She glanced up again, and she caught him catching her eyes as he looked back at her over a long roll of parchment that he'd pulled from an ancient area of the library, which appeared not to be a part of the golden cards retrieval system. Both quickly looked away, but both had noticed the other. As he sat back against the velvet couch with the papers, he held his wand casually in one hand as it curled comfortably on the armrest and she felt suddenly very naked in a completely non-sexual sort of way. She looked away quickly, pulling the book up higher so he couldn't see her blushing at having been caught.
My wand. I've never been away from it this long before.
She felt her hand twitch in the memory of its weight, her fingers wrapping instinctively around empty air in frustration. It was a comforting feeling to harness the power within her and she felt somehow...less without it.
"Penny for your thoughts, Granger?" his voice had a sneering edge to it, but it was softer than usual, and she knew he was trying to be genial.
He's just being polite. He doesn't actually want to know what I'm thinking about.
Seeing him laugh seemed to be more embarrassing to Snape than the fact that she'd seen him in various stages of undress
And I've seen both more than I'd have ever imagined was possible.
Exactly what was their relationship, anyway? He wasn't just a professor who shot her withering looks in class for always raising her hand. He wasn't just a member of the Order who tolerated her presence, or generally ignored her altogether. And as far as the whole sex thing went, well, she was 17 and as far as the Wizarding world was concerned she was an adult. But exactly what was she hoping for, assuming that at some point it would be all over? She had been thrust into this situation where she was forced to redefine the lines of relation to people she had thought were established, familiar objects on the complicated playing field of roles in relation to her and she found herself less than comforted by the fact that this was merely the most recent crazy thing that could get her killed, or worse...expelled. While she'd been thrust into plenty of life-threatening circumstances each year she'd come to school at Hogwarts, this felt different, somehow, than anything she had experienced before.
How many more times until this sort of thing gets me killed? Until magic is the death of me?
Lily was silent. Hermione could hear even breathing that was not her own lightly whispering in her ears.
Still sleeping.
"Granger?" his voice was dangerously close, and when she looked up, she realized that he had crossed the room silently and was lightly resting his left hand on the desk, bending forward so that his face was closer than she would otherwise be comfortable with. He'd left his wand on the armrest of the couch. Did this mean...could he….trust her?
How could this man be so infuriatingly quiet?
He was looking down at her with a strange look on his face. She couldn't place it. It was something like a grimace but not exactly disparaging.
Is that...discomfort?
He cleared his throat.
"You may want to...er...reposition yourself," he said uncomfortably as his eyes shifted to his left, "As from where I am sitting, well, I can see….things."
Hermione yelped involuntarily and pulled down into a standard sitting position, smoothing her gray skirt. Her face was ablaze, knowing that he'd probably seen her knickers from across the room. She tried not to notice how his lips twitched a little as though he was fighting a grin. He covered his mouth and coughed as though he suddenly had gotten something caught in his throat, but she'd noticed. He couldn't hide his little trick from her again.
Why am I getting embarrassed about him seeing my underthings, anyway? It's not like he hasn't….
She couldn't even finish the thought.
"Why do you do that, anyway?" she said bluntly, instead of continuing her patently inappropriate train of thought.
"I am not sure that I know of what you are speaking," he replied, clearing his throat a little more loudly than what sounded natural.
"You always hide your smiles. You know. The real ones," she said, and she frowned, wondering why anyone would do such a thing.
"I…" the word hung in the air.
"It's almost as though you're unable to let yourself be happy. Ever," she said stiffly, and even though she attempted to sound genial, her voice came out a little hurt.
Regardless of how intensely surreal her last 48 hours had been, a part of her wanted to think that she wasn't just some random diversion that had fallen into his lap. That it meant more than...well…nothing.
"S...Sir, if I may be so bold, I just can't imagine anyone living a life without even being able to-"
"Severus," he interrupted, his voice tired.
"Wha-?"
"When you're in my offices, you can call me….Severus," he said uncomfortably, rubbing the bridge of his nose as though he was mentally berating himself.
"Then….Severus," her stomach lurched at the unfamiliar familiarity and her cheeks flamed as she realized that perhaps this meant that what had happened wasn't just...nothing...to him.
She stuck out her hand, holding his gaze.
What the fuck am I doing?
"Not Granger then. Hermione," she said simply, placing the book carefully onto the desk, and almost fell off her chair when he took her hand and shook it.
"Hermione," he breathed back, and his eyes darted away from her face for a moment before she caught them again with her own. And it was with their hands still clasped, looking pointedly at one another, that she gave him the brightest, most genuine smile she could muster.
His eyes widened momentarily as though in fear, and she saw the corners of his mouth begin turning upward. Not even a moment later, the hand not holding hers instinctively tried to rise from the table to cover it, and she shot out her free hand to grab his wrist, which almost toppled him face first over the desk had she not taken on his weight and shifted it so he was suspended by the force of her grip on his hand and arm. She didn't realize she was this strong and something told her that he was thinking much the same thing.
"No," she said firmly as he struggled weakly to pull away, "You don't have to hide it. Not from Lily. And...not from me."
"And where is Lily, anyway? Did she put you up to this?" he was trying for misdirection, to throw her off, but she held on tightly.
"She's sleeping," she replied simply, and then she caught the smallest of grins whispering across his lips.
I win. Yesssss!
"Tell me, Hermione," he said emphasizing her name and his face was drawing closer to hers, "Do you mind if I test a theory of my own?"
Holyshitwhatisheevendoing-!
He'd just given her a glimpse into something secret about himself, even if it was something as simple as a genuine smile that wasn't tinged with darkness and directly the result of some sort of student-induced schadenfreude. She couldn't deny him a little trust on her part. But why was it so hard?
She bit her lip, refusing to break eye contact. She would not be weak. She would not betray him.
"I-it w-won't hurt, will it?" she stammered as he moved even closer, his nose brushing against the side of hers, the features of his face growing slightly blurry in its proximity.
"I should think it would be the opposite of painful," he said softly, and she could feel small shallow breaths of air against her cheek as he spoke.
And as she promised herself that she wouldn't flinch, that she wouldn't break her gaze upon him no matter what, his lips were suddenly pressed firmly against hers and she couldn't help but close her eyes as she expected to be abruptly shunted from her body with the desire that awoke within the pit of her stomach.
She opened her eyes.
He was still there, his lips against hers. She was still herself.
I'm still me! Still in my body! So that must mean….when Lily's sleeping….OH MY GOD THIS IS HUGE!
Before he realized what she was about to do, she had dropped his hands and thrown her arms around his neck with elation as he fell forward over the desk into her, the chair tipping back over onto the floor.
Hermione had expected pain from the fall, but when she felt nothing, she opened her eyes. She was still wrapping her arms tightly around him and when she snuck a look up at his face, she saw an expression of intense concentration on his face. It was then, she realized that they were suspended strangely in the air, the chair behind her on the floor. He made a motion and she noticed his wand fly to him in a similar motion as it had in the bathroom.
He's doing wandless bodily suspension magic. On both of us. Holy crap.
The concentration melted from his face as the wand found his fingers, and he moved it silently in a complicated wrist-flicking motion, pulling himself into a standing position and using his free hand to slide under and cradle her bottom and lower back with his arm as she continued to hold him tightly around his neck. She hoped that it wasn't hurting him, but he showed no sign of pain or discomfort beyond the sound of his heart beating heavily as she rested her ear against his chest.
When he'd walked lightly over to the velvet couch as though still walking upon the air, he set her down gently and looked away as she flattened her skirt, which had flipped up yet again in the kerfluffle.
"I'm sorry...Hermione," he said, after a long moment, "It was...wrong of me...to take advantage."
"But-" she gasped as he silently took a seat next to her and looked her straight in the eye.
"It was not my intention to upset you. I needed to see if you would still...change...if Lily was still asleep," he looked at her and she could see the lines softening around the edges of his eyes, a sign that beyond the formal words he was honestly attempting to comfort her.
"S….Severus," she finally managed, trying to still her pounding heart, "I wasn't upset...I was just..surprised? Er...pleasantly surprised?"
Ugh, I'm making things worse. Stupid, stupid Hermione, why can't I just shut my big mouth?
She noticed then that he was breathing rapidly, and his hand was quivering on his lap.
"It's not-" he started and he looked up at her plaintively, "It's not just about Lily. This concerns you too. I've never felt…been allowed to...no, I mustn't-"
"Severus," she whispered, and he shivered as the word escaped her lips.
"I...I can't-" his hands fidgeted at his robes as though he was about to bolt from the room and he attempted to look anywhere but at her face.
"But I can," Hermione heard herself say before she realized what she was about to say.
But I wanted to say it. I want to see that smile again.
She pushed herself up onto her knees so that she was looking down at him and before he could properly pull away to escape, she'd grabbed him behind his hair around the top of his neck, cradling his head with one hand and she tipped up his chin with the other so that their noses were touching against one another yet again.
"Look at me," she entreated, "Please."
He met her eyes with a dark, fearful look, but his pupils were wide with desire.
"Please," he moaned almost silently.
"All good theories require many tests, after all," she said breathily, and she kissed him.
Oh my god, what am I doing?!
Lily breathed deeply in her ear, still deeply asleep as he melted into her and Hermione felt his smile break against her mouth.
Oh hell yes.
"Another," she murmured softly against him, and she couldn't help but give a smile of her own when he indulged her request.
