Here's chapter 28.
This story is nearing its end. There's one more chapter after this one and then the epilogue. I hope you stick around for it.
As this story is almost ending, I started a new one and may have another one up soon. It's called Midnight Train and its E/B again, in case you want to read it. I would appreciate the feedback if you have the time.
Thanks to everyone who keeps reading this!
Chapter 28 - Forgiveness
EPOV
I got up, running my hands through my hair and walked to the door.
I couldn't stand there watching her like this right now or listening to those things. I need to clear my thoughts and make a decision.
Emmett was still here, she wouldn't be alone.
"I'll be back later, Bella. I need to be alone for a while. I need to think." I didn't turn around to see her reaction.
I couldn't…
I got into my car and drove without any direction in mind. Driving aimlessly was one of the few things that helped me calm down.
I needed to put my thoughts in order and this was the only effective way I knew of doing it.
I had to turn off the radio, though. It seemed like every song that came on was trying to tell me something and I didn't know how to deal with that.
I stopped at a deserted road, much like I had done five months ago when Bella broke up with me.
The emotions coursing through my body right now were completely different from the ones haunting me that day.
That day I felt lost, broken, destroyed, empty… The list was never ending.
Today I felt… confused. But today I also knew that Bella had done it because she was scared. She broke up with me because she thought she was doing the right thing.
She thought she was holding me down…
I shook my head at the absurdity of that though. She was the best thing in my life, how could she ever hold me down?
I rested my head back on the car sit and allowed myself to think through what Bella had told me today.
She was sick and scared and didn't tell me because she thought I shouldn't have to take care of her when I gladly would.
I asked her countless of times not to let Tanya get to her but she did. I told her I was okay with not getting the job in LA but she didn't believe me…
I failed every time I tried to make her realize just how wonderful she is, probably because even thought I knew she loved me she didn't exactly love herself and my love for her, as sincere as it was, could never be enough for both of us.
As much as I wanted I could not love her for herself. That was her job and something she had to work on.
I wish she could have told me everything that was bothering her back then so I could at least help her. Hadn't I told her enough times how I felt about her? Hadn't I showed her that she could trust me? Didn't she know I would stand beside her no matter what?
I forced myself not to think about it in that way. I knew she trusted me. The main problem was that her insecurities were something I just hadn't been able to help her overcome completely.
Maybe if I stayed with her now I could… Or couldn't I?
If she ever felt she didn't belong with me would she just do the same thing again? Would she run away, leaving me broken again?
My heart wanted, more than anything, to believe that she could never do that again…
I took a deep breath and ran my hands through my hair.
I was lost. I didn't know what to do…
Should I follow my heart and stay with Bella and give her a second chance or should I just follow my more rational side, go to L.A and go on with my life as well as I could even though I knew I would never be completely happy without her?
I didn't know…
I allowed myself to freely go through memories of Bella for the first time in a long time.
I thought about how beautiful she looked the first time I saw her. I thought about how it felt to kiss her, touch her, hear her say she loved me for the first time.
I allowed myself to think about all the times I got home and she ran into my arms. I though about how she swayed her hips slowly when she was cooking or how she smiled seductively at me every time she caught me looking at her.
Finally I thought about her hair spread on the pillow while she lay beneath me as we made love…
I stood there, in that deserted road looking at nothing in specific, wondering what I should do, until my memories spurred a realization deep inside of me.
It was all very simple, actually. It all came down to two questions.
Was the love I felt for Bella bigger than the hurt she had caused me? Could I trust her again and go on?
I knew the answer to those questions. They were looking me right in the face.
I knew what my decision should be the moment I realized I could never have a full life without Bella.
Yes, the love I felt for her was bigger than anything else. I still felt hurt – was still damaged – but maybe she could be the one fixing that.
I could give my love to her again and hope she would accept it without any doubts this time.
With time I could trust her once more. I was sure of that. I just needed a little time; a little mending and I couldn't mend away from her.
Little by little we could work on our issues and overcome them together, if she wanted.
I wasn't a fool. I knew love wasn't exactly enough. I knew we had to work on our relationship. I knew there was a lot of rebuilding to do until I could finally trust her again but I was willing to do it.
I was willing to give us a second chance because I knew I belonged with Bella and no one else.
If some cuts were too deep, my love for her overcame that. It overcame my pain and my fear of being hurt again because I knew she had done it because she thought it was the best, even thought it wasn't, and because I knew she wouldn't do it again.
Yes, there was a lot to talk about still and a lot of wounds to heal but that could only be done if I stood beside Bella.
Maybe my decision would seem incomprehensible to a lot of people but I just knew that the only way for me to be happy was with Bella.
My crazy, silly and adorable Bella…
--
BPOV
I stood curled up in that couch for what seemed like hours.
I couldn't immediately move. He had left…
Would Edward ever come back? Would I have the chance to tell him the truth? Would I be able to tell him I still loved him?
I couldn't let him leave without knowing at least that.
Emmett didn't bother me at all while I was in the living room. He probably already knew Edward was about to leave and didn't know what to say to me.
I wasn't sure what I needed to hear either…
At least I had made a decision. I couldn't stand here in this couch while the man I loved got away so easily.
I had waited too long for him and even though I blew everything up once I had him, I needed to know I had done everything I could to be with him again.
If he didn't come to me I would go after him. If I had to go to LA just to tell him I still loved him, I would.
I was just getting up when Edward walked into the room again. I realized for the first time it had gotten dark outside.
He leaned in against the wall and just stood there looking at me for what seemed like forever.
"Edward…" He raised a hand to silence me and took a step towards me.
"No. You'll listen to me first." I nodded. "You hurt me. Fuck, you broke me completely but I don't know why I always keep coming back to you…"
I immediately felt a knot form in my throat and my eyes well up once he said I had hurt him…
I knew I had but to hear him say it…
"I can't run! Even if I want to, I can't…" I turned my attention to my hands and sighed.
"I'm sorry, Edward." I truly was but there was nothing I could do to make it better.
He stood there just looking at me for what seem hours before sitting next to me and cupping my face in his hands so I was looking at him.
"Do you even still love me, Bella?"
"Of course! I could never stop loving you, Edward!" He nodded slowly.
"You used my love for you, Bella. I gave you all of myself. I gave you all of my love and you used it against me…" I tried to advert my eyes away from him knowing perfectly well I couldn't stand here looking directly at him while he told me there was no going back for us but he didn't allow me to.
I couldn't believe this was the end…
"You hurt me but as I stood in my car today, thinking, all I did was realize that I can't be whole without you…" He took a deep breath. "You were so silly, Bella."
I had been more than silly. I had been stupid maybe even shallow, childish…
"I know. Please believe me when I say I never wanted to hurt you but I know I did. I don't expect you to forgive me right now, even though I never wanted anything so much. I do hope that one day you'll able to do it, though, and I hope that day comes soon because I still love you so much…" He didn't answer my question right away, which made me feel like maybe he couldn't.
I suddenly felt like there was a part of me I needed to share with him to make him understand.
"Edward, when we were together I used to look at you and see it there in your eyes that you loved me. I could see the longing, the honesty in them and even though I knew I loved you with all my heart I didn't know if that love was enough." I could tell he wanted to interrupt me but I didn't let him. "I didn't know if that love was enough because I didn't simply want you like you wanted me. I needed you too and not in the honest way two lovers need each other. Not in the way you needed me. I constantly needed you as a reassurance I deserved to be happy. I needed you to make me feel good about myself and I needed you to make me whole. I was selfish and now I can see that I was never able to love you as you loved me because I always doubted myself. Our relationship was uneven and I apologize for that. I apologize for pushing you away because I couldn't deal with my own insecurities. I apologize for hurting you. I know I don't deserve a second chance but if you do give me one, I promise that this time I'll give myself completely to you."
He stood silent after my little confession, thinking my words over. Would they be enough to make him realize how much I loved him?
He had said he couldn't be whole without me. I hoped that meant we would be okay.
He still looked a little hurt but that wasn't the main emotion portrayed in his eyes anymore.
I could see sadness there but also love. Love for me. He was beginning to forgive me…
"I can't believe I stayed away from you for so long because of those silly, stupid reasons of yours…" I placed my hand over his on my face and caress it lightly.
"I never meant to hurt you, Edward. I'm sorry I did."
"I still love you with all my heart, Bella. I think you know that, but what you also need to know is that I can't love you enough for both of us. You have to love and trust yourself a little bit too in order for us to be together again."
"I know and I'm willing to work on that." He smiled at me. "I'm so sorry for everything…"
"It's okay. It doesn't matter anymore if you're willing to work on this with me. All that matters is that you are here now. Alive, healthy and as beautiful as ever." He kissed the tip of my nose before continuing. "And I love you. I still love you so much…"
Tears started to form in my eyes again as I realized that even after what I did, even after we've been apart for so long he still loved me, still wanted me. They were happy tears…
"I love you, too." He nodded slowly before leaning in to softly kiss my lips.
"Please tell me you won't let your silly insecurities and those ludicrous ideas that you aren't good enough for me get in between us again. You have to understand that you are amazing, Bella." I smiled at him before nodding.
"I can't promise you I will never feel insecure but I can promise you that every time I feel like I'm not worthy of you, I'll tell you and you can make me forget all about it. You can help me overcome them. What do you say to that? Does it sound good?"
"It does. I'll do my best to make you realize just how worthy we are of each other." He kissed my lips once more before wrapping his arms around me, making us move so he was lying on his back on the couch and I could rest my head on his chest.
We stood still for several minutes while he played with the strands of my hair and rubbed my back in a soothing manner.
Now that I had told him everything I felt like all my worries had gone away and all the weight of the world had been lifted off my back but there was still something I needed to know.
"Edward?"
"Yes?" He moved to kiss the top of my head as I sighed and moved so I was looking straight at him.
"Why did you believe me so easily? I mean, I was sure you would see right through me and I would have to spend hours just trying to plant the seed of doubt in your mind but I didn't! You believed in me right away!" He nodded once while taking a deep breath.
He seemed to think his answer over for a few minutes before moving his hand to my face. I kissed his palm once, encouraging him to go on.
"I always felt like…" He shook his head and took another deep breath. "Since the first time I kissed you and realized I was in love with you, I always feared losing you. I never wanted to take you for granted because I always feared that once day you would turn around and realize you didn't want to be with me anymore. I guess our insecurities weren't that different." I turned his words over in my head for a few minutes while looking at him. Could we really have feared the exact same thing all along?
"We're crazy, aren't we?" He laughed dryly as I shook my head.
"Anyway, I guess that's why I believed you so easily. I couldn't think straight, I could only repeat your words on my head over and over again." I nodded.
I would probably only be able to concentrate on those words as well if it had been the other way around. I wouldn't take it half as well as he had.
"Despite all this we're okay now, aren't we? Will you ever trust me again?" The possibility that we weren't and that he couldn't trust me again scared me more than I would like to admit.
He lightly placed his hand on my neck, being careful not to hurt me, and pulled me in for a kiss.
"Yes, we're okay. When it comes to trusting you… Well, we'll just have to work on that a little, okay? We have a whole relationship to rebuild. It probably won't always be easy but I'm here for the ride if you are."
"I am." I would do anything to make him trust me again.
He ran his hand lightly along my head before smiling.
"Good. All we have to do now is get you completely healed and we will be great."
"It's funny how this is exactly what I didn't want you to have to go through." It was funny how life worked…
He furrowed his brow but I knew he understood me.
"Don't say that, Bella. Let me take care of you because I want to do it and because I love you. I'm not letting you push me away this time." I smiled at him and softly kissed his lips before resting my head back on his chest.
I guess there wasn't anything wrong in me allowing him to take care of me for a while, especially because he was already doing it so well.
"Are you still moving to LA?" He shrugged.
"I don't even know anymore. Probably not."
"I can go with you if you want."
"We'll think about that later. Maybe I can still stay here until they open that branch. Either way, I'm not going anywhere until you are completely healed." I nodded and he gently pulled me closer again so I was resting my head on his chest.
I kissed his chest and closed my eyes simply enjoying his close proximity.
He was here. He really was here.
He had come back to me and this time around there was no way I would let him go.
Ever!
