Hope
Shepard's emotions the first few days after the Horizon mission were touch and go, and she distanced herself from the others. If she wasn't actively in command of the ship, she spent much of her time in her quarters. The change in her behavior did not go unnoticed by the crew.
"Garrus, do you have a moment?"
Garrus looked up from the main battery's control panel to see Miranda at the door. "Ah...sure. What brings you back here?"
"I'm concerned about Shepard." She looked awkward, as if caring about Shepard's feelings made her uncomfortable.
"Hmm. She is dealing with...things."
"We both know what she's dealing with, Garrus. It's been nearly a week. She needs to get over it and move-"
"Do me a favor and don't take up counselling, okay?" When she opened her mouth to reply, Garrus raised his hands in a placating gesture. "I know what you're saying, and you're not entirely wrong. I just wouldn't put it to her that way this soon and expect to come out of the conversation unscathed. I was going to give her a couple more days, but you're right. She can't lock herself up forever."
Miranda nodded curtly. "Thank you, Garrus."
"And I won't tell her it was your idea, Miranda. Wouldn't want her to think you care, now would we?"
She narrowed her eyes at the turian and walked away.
x ~ X ~ x
Shepard stared at her monitor. A message from Kaidan had just come through. About Horizon. She wondered what that meant. Only one way to find out, she told herself as she opened the message.
Shepard,
I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?
Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember our last night together? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside.
But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die - on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself.
When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care.
-Kaidan
She read it twice and sat staring at the screen for several minutes. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
x ~ X ~ x
Garrus stepped out of the elevator just in time to hear Shepard yell, "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Something hit the other side of the door to her cabin and shattered.
"Shepard?" He knocked on the door. "You okay in there?"
"Not a good time, Garrus."
"Shepard, we need to talk. Let me in."
He waited a few minutes before knocking again. "I'm not leaving, Shepard."
The door slid open and he looked down to see a broken coffee mug on the floor. Shepard was standing at her desk a few feet away, looking very pissed off.
"What can I do for you, Garrus?"
"Ah...well, I ah...hmm. I didn't stop to think you'd be armed. Got anything else to throw around?"
"No. Maybe." She walked away from her desk and down to her a couch. A bottle of red wine and a glass sat on the coffee table.
"Shepard, don't-"
"I want some wine, Garrus. I'm not going to break it." She snatched up the bottle and poured herself a few mouthfuls. "You want some?"
Garrus shook his head. "No, thank you."
"So? What can I do for you?"
"Well, actually, I was wondering if I could do anything for you. Do you want to talk about what happened?"
She stared at him for several seconds before shrugging and sitting down. "He sent me an email. Just got it."
"Oh, I see. And...?"
"And he's an idiot, Garrus." She stood up and started pacing. "Sure, he apologized for what he said, and I appreciate that." She drank some wine. "I just don't understand what the hell he's trying to say. 'I don't know who you are anymore, but I couldn't stand to lose you again, so be careful, and maybe someday, I don't know what.'" She emptied her glass and poured a bit more.
"I'll be honest with you, Shepard. I really don't know what to tell you. I know Kaidan took your death hard. What if he'd been the one here in your place?"
She frowned, staring into her glass as though it might hold some insight. "I'd be upset, I know that. But I wouldn't just walk away, he means too much to me."
"Does he?"
"What?"
"Mean that much to you."
Shepard looked offended. "Yes, he does."
"He didn't exactly walk away, though, did he?"
"What?"
Garrus shook his head. "Shepard, work with me here. He emailed you and apologized. So he was a little...clumsy. He was always shy and awkward, if I remember correctly. What were you expecting, some of the poetry Williams used to recite? He found himself face to face with a woman he loved and thought was dead. That does have some shock value. I'm not saying he wasn't an ass about it."
Shepard emptied her glass and put it on the table, flopping back onto the couch with a groan. "I can't believe you got me talking about this. I didn't want to get into it. Oh, fuck it. What should I do, Garrus?"
"If he means something to you, give the kid a break. And in the meantime, get your ass out of this cabin and back on deck."
x ~ X ~ x
Kaidan opened the video file with some trepidation. Shepard's face appeared on the screen, her blond hair tousled, green eyes glistening. He wasn't sure what to expect; he didn't imagine she was too happy about his message, now that he'd had time to think about what he'd said.
"Ah...hello, Kaidan. I wish we could do this face to face, talk it out, but I guess this will have to do for now. Thanks for the message, I...appreciate the gesture."
She looked away from the screen, her jaw flexing. Kaidan rubbed his temples. He hadn't exactly been eloquent, he knew that.
"I...don't know what to say, what you want me to say, what you'd have me do about this, Kaidan. I was dead. I don't know how they did it, but Cerberus found me and they brought me back. No one asked me if it was okay, they just did it. And the Illusive Man, or Tim as I like to call him, had a problem and a plan to deal with it. He offered me all the resources at his disposal to find out who was abducting the colonist, and to stop them. And so here I am." She spread her hands out and gestured to the room around her, then reached for a glass of red wine and took a drink.
"I should have contacted you, yes, and I am sorry that I didn't. But be honest, Kaidan. Would you have read a message from the Cerberus network? I didn't even get in touch with my parents. I didn't know what to say, what to...well, I should have tried.
"What did the Alliance do? I've got a lot of former Alliance members on my crew who think the Alliance didn't do anything, that they dropped the ball. From what I hear, they used my image to recruit for a while, and then they started trying to distance themselves from me, sweep me under the rug, so to speak. The collectors are real, they are working with the reapers, and what does the Alliance do? They walk away, pretend it isn't happening. I can't, I won't, and I will work with whomever I have to, to get the job done."
She leaned forward, peering into the camera as if she could see him on the other end. "You asked me if I remembered our last night together. I do. You made dinner, we drank wine, we talked about what the future might hold for us, and we made love." Tears pooled in her eyes and she swore under her breath.
"You were the last thought in my mind before I died and you were the first thought I had when I awoke. I love you, Kaidan, and being dead didn't change that." She brushed a hand across her cheeks, sniffing. "We're going through the Omega Four relay, Kaidan, and we may not come back. If we don't-" She paused to clear her throat. "If we don't make it back, remember that, okay? Don't ever forget it. If I do manage to survive this...well, one step at a time. Take care of yourself, Kaidan." She hit a key on her keyboard and the video ended.
Kaidan sat back in his chair, tears rolling down his face. The Omega Four relay? Jesus Christ, Kate, you can't be serious. Scrubbing his face with his hands, he reached out to replay the video.
x ~ X ~ x
Kate ended the recording and sent it to Kaidan. Running her hands through her hair, she checked the time. Mess Sergeant Gardner was on a roll with his recently restocked pantry and dinner would be served within the hour.
"Pick yourself up and get back at it, Kate. And hope for the best." She reached out to touch Kaidan's picture before getting into her uniform and heading down for dinner.
A/N: I did make one tiny change to Kaidan's letter, since some time did pass between Ilos and the original Normandy's destruction...My thanks to Zevgirl and Pachouli, and you, the readers. Please feel free to leave a comment/review. They're always fun to read. Cheers, Biff
