A/N: Thank you all for reading, reviewing and faving my story and very greatful :D
CHAPTER TWENTY NINE
Castiel sat nervously facing this detective in charge of the case. He'd just explained everything he knew and everything he suspected. It was clear that the detective didn't believe him and who would? It did seemed to be a ridiculous story and there was still the unanswered question as to how Michael had gotten his hands on the paper that forensics confirmed was the same as the paper used to writer the letters.
Castiel answered every question, explained about his part in Michael's plan, told the detective about the accident five years ago and how Michael had been using his guilt to blackmail him into plating drugs – and all the while Castiel felt like he was the one who should be going to imprison.
SUPERNATURAL – FREE WILL HOUSE
Dean was pacing back and forth in the waiting area. Balthazar wouldn't tell them what was going on. He kept saying that Cas would explain everything.
He looked up at the clock for what seemed like the thousandth time when Castiel finally emerged from the interview room.
"Don't leave town, we'll need to talk again." The detective announced with a stern yet friendly look at the nervous college student. Castiel nodded. His gaze fell on Dean for the first time since entering police station.
"Cass what the hell." He yelled rushed towards the shorter man.
"Hello Dean." Castiel sighed warily.
"Hello? – Where the hell have you been? – What's all this about?"
"Can we discuss this later Dean?"
"Like Hell, we're discussing this now!" Dean's raised voice drawing the attention of the police station staff.
"Dean." Sam groaned turning scarlet.
"Sorry Sammy." Dean didn't take his eyes of his roommate. "Will you be ok if…?"
"Yeah, just go. – I'll call with any news."
"I'll stay with him." Balthazar announced, received a glare from both brothers. He held up both hands innocently. "No funny business ok. I'm here as a house brother."
Sam stared suspiciously at the blond Englishman for a long moment before nodding. "Alright."
Dean turned to Castiel. "Come on."
Castiel followed Dean out of the station like a naughty child. His head hanging low.
SUPERNATURAL – FREE WILL HOUSE
They sat silently in the Impala; Dean didn't move to start the engine. He was too busy fighting conflicting feelings. Part of him was furious and wanted to rip Cas a new one for splitting the way he had, the other part of him wanted to pull him into a hug and kiss him just for being alive.
Instead he just sat there, his knuckled turning white on the steering wheel, his gaze fixed on the station building. Finally he calmed himself enough to speak. "So we're in private. - You want to tell me what the fuck is going on?"
"I – I don't know…"
Dean's head snapped round to glare at his roommate.
"I mean, I don't know where to begin." A long drawn out silence filled the car and Cas could see Dean's hands tightening dangerously on the steering wheel. Taking a deep breath he decided the best thing to do would be to just say it.
"I killed someone five years ago and Michael found out and used it to blackmail me into spying on the house. He wanted me to plant drugs on Gabriel to get the house closed down but I couldn't do it so I left. I didn't know that Michael had a backup plan. Balthazar found me at a motel and told me what had happened and I knew it was Michael I couldn't just let Gabriel go to prison for something he didn't do so I came to tell the police what I knew."
Dean clenched his jaw painfully. "You just left." He growled, seemingly ignoring everything Cas had just told him. "Without a word."
"I left you a word." Castiel replied and instantly regretted it. Damn buzzed, it obviously hadn't worn off completely.
"Sorry! That's all I get is a scrap of paper with the word sorry scribbled in it."
"I – I didn't know what else to write. – I didn't want to leave Dean but I couldn't think of what else to do."
"You could have told us. – Told me!"
Castiel shook his head and stared down at his hands. "I couldn't face that. I didn't want to see how much you were going to hate me Dean. – I betrayed the house, I betrayed you."
Dean turned in his seat. "Do I look like I hate you? – I'm angry; no I'm furious, you just vanished. I didn't know what had happened to you. But I don't hate you Cas."
Tears filled Castiel's eyes. "I'm a coward Dean. I've always been a coward. It's why I tried to kill myself five years ago." He murmured.
Dean felt his stomach tighten at Cass confession. Balthazar had told him what had happened five years ago but the way he'd said it he'd assumed it had been an accident and to hear Cas say he'd meant for it to happened bit deep into his heart. "Why Cas?" He asked in a sorrowful voice.
"I told you. – I killed someone."
Dean had heard everything Cas had told him but they hadn't really penetrated the anger he'd been feeling. Now the information hit hard. He had to forced breath into his lungs. Nothing about Castiel said he was a murderer. The man had always seemed so sweet, quiet and gentle – with great taste in music. "Who?"
Castiel shifted his gaze away from his hands and out the passenger side window. "A man in England. I hit him with a car."
"So it was an accident?" Dean sighed with relief.
"Yes, but I still killed him Dean."
Dean heard the intense emotion in Cass voice. "What happened Cas?"
"It happened after a party…" He swallowed. "…I'd made a move on this guy…"
Dean shifted in his seat.
"…He knocked me back…" Castiel continued not noticing the spark of jealousy in Dean's gaze. "…I took Balthazar car and headed back to school. Guess I wasn't concentrating on the road. This guy stepped out in front of the car. I tried to swerve but I wasn't able to. I slammed right into him. The police said he would have been fine but he had hit the ground awkwardly and broke his neck."
Dean ran his hand down his face. Taking a few deep breaths. "Cas, it was an accident."
"I know, doesn't mean I don't feel guilty Dean. Doesn't mean I don't blame myself every single day. – I'm alive Dean, he's not. How's that fair. – He had a family; I was a stoner with a bad attitude and a criminal record. That's why I was in England in the first place. Why did he deserve to die and me to live?"
Dean didn't even hesitate; he just reached across and dragged Cas into his arms, holding him while he fought the sobs, his face buried into Dean's neck. Brushing his fingers through the mess that was Cass hair.
"You can't keep blaming yourself Cass." Dean whispered softly. "It may not seem fair but hell, who said life was fair. But you weren't to blame; you have to know that right."
"I shouldn't have been driving Dean. I was upset, I wasn't concentrating."
Dean held Cass at arm's length. "Weren't you? You said you tried to swerve, sounds like you were concentrating to me. If you hadn't been, you would have just plowed right over him without a thought."
"But…"
"No buts Cas. You didn't kill him. You have to start believing that. You have to forgive yourself."
Castiel shook his head. How could he forgive himself? He'd taken another human life. That alone damned him. "I should have died five years ago. It would have been so much better for everyone."
"Don't say that Cas!" Dean snapped. "Don't you ever say that!"
"I don't deserve my life Dean."
"Is that why you left Cas?" Dean suddenly asked. "Because you don't think you deserve to be happy?"
Castiel couldn't meet the other man's gaze.
"Dammit Cas." Dean snapped, shaking him. "You've got as much right as anyone." He tried to breath but the anger was rearing its ugly head again. How could Cas not think he deserved happiness? It had been an accident. "…Cas, if you'd really been guilty would that angel have sent you back?"
Castiel looked up at him confused.
"Balthazar told me about your near death thing, about the angel. – If you'd really been guilty of murder do you really think it would have sent you back? It would have just let you die… and you know what happens to people who kill themselves right?"
Castiel swallowed hard. He hadn't allowed himself to think about that. He wanted the guilt if he was honest. It was easier; it had helped him get straight, fix his life. "Dean." He sighed wearily. "I'm sorry. – Really."
Dean shook his head and stared deep into those blue eyes. "Just don't you split on me again Cas, Okay. - I'm kinda new to this whole out-of-the-closet thing." He smirked softly. "I'd hate to have to find a new roommate." He winked before pulling Cas into a hungry kiss that he'd been waiting all day to deliver.
"Dean?" Castiel gasped once Dean had allowed his up for air.
"Yeah?"
"What we going to do about Michael?"
Dean frowned. "Don't worry about Michael… If the cops don't sort him out, we damn well will." Castiel smiled at the determined menace in Dean's voice and pulled the man back in for another kiss.
