A/N: Hey everyone, I have finally updated! Admittedly, this was one of the hardest chapters to write, which is why it took longer to write than I had planned. Also, as a warning, I have written a reasonable amount of medical terminology in this chapter and I hope that you are able to disregard whether or not what I have written is true in our world and simply accept that what I have said is true at least, in the wizarding world. That would be very much appreciated because unfortunately I did not have time to research it.
If you hadn't noticed, this chapter is in two parts (the second part of this chapter by the same name, is still in progress); I thought, from the advice of Sindie that I would separate this very long chapter in two. Please don't forget to review! Enjoy that chapter!
Happy reading!
Chapter 29- 'Stay close to me' (Part 1)
2 years later
For the third time that week, Severus woke up at 3am with a splitting headache. Rubbing his head gently with the palms of his hands, he tried to relax and fall back to sleep, but he couldn't. Slowly getting up, he walked over to one of his drawers and pulled out a vial of pain remedy, which he had made during the week for nights such as this.
Taking a deep breath, he downed the bottle (it tasted disgusting) and walked slowly back to bed and made yet another attempt to fall to sleep.
Instead of improving however, the pain became worse- this surprised Severus seeing as every other night, the pain remedy seemed to soothe the pain relatively quickly, but tonight was very different.
By 5am, Severus realised that something serious must be wrong- magical remedies have never failed him before and he was confident he concocted the remedy correctly. Lying in bed, trying to rub away the pain, he tried to think of what he should do.
Thankfully, he was no longer Headmaster and was currently unemployed so no one would miss him if he lay in bed all day, but somehow he knew that no matter how much sleep he had, the pain would always return…
Realising that he had to take action, Severus forced himself to get dressed into his robes and grabbing his wand, he walked outside into Spinner's End. Once there, he tried to relax- to numb the pain for a second- while he focused all of his energy on the main street in London. Spinning on the spot, Severus felt himself being squeezed through an invisible tube and knew, too late, that this was not good for him. Once he landed, he almost fell over as his brain was unable to keep him balanced and gather its bearings. Thankfully there were not many people around, so no one noticed his apparent disorientation. Spotting the landmark he was looking for, Severus forced his mind to move his legs towards the shopping mall where the entrance to St. Mungo's was located.
Finally he reached the window with the dummies inside and, with his eyes half closed, for the sun was rising and it was increasing his pain ten-fold, Severus mumbled:
"I need to see a Healer."
The dummy nodded as if she knew this just by looking at him and Severus slowly, but surely made his way through the glass.
Severus had to admit to himself, he had done pretty well so far; not only did he have the most severe migraine yet, but he had never been to St. Mungo's and the only reason why he knew where it was is because Lily had explained it to him when she first started working there.
"Are you okay, Sir?" the woman at the desk asked. Severus almost stumbled over to her but before he even reached her, he felt a wheelchair being pushed beneath him. "What is your name, Sir?" The woman asked, pushing Severus towards god only knew where.
"Severus Snape," Severus mumbled; it hurt to talk.
"Oh, the recently retired Professor Snape of Hogwarts? Yes my grandson is very fond of you," the woman said rather cheerfully.
"That is good to hear," Severus muttered through clenched teeth; he wished she would stop talking.
Trying to open his eyes a little more so as to see where the woman was taking him, Severus saw room after room fly by and realising he was going to be sick if he continued to watch the colours go by, he closed his eyes once more.
"Here we go, Professor Snape," said the woman, who stopped pushing the wheelchair and positioned it next to a hospital bed with white sheets in what appeared to be his own private room. But Severus didn't have the energy or time to ask why.
"Do you feel you can get into bed?" she asked kindly.
"No, I will stay here, thank you," Severus requested, too tired to speak properly, let alone move.
"Very well, I will get a Healer to attend to you- I'm sure they won't be long."
The woman paused a moment as if waiting for a reply from Severus, but when none came, she left the room, closing the door behind her.
Severus was surprised she hadn't questioned him on what was bothering him. Perhaps she really just was the receptionist and hence, did not know much about healing or perhaps she could already tell by the way he was acting?
If it didn't hurt to
open his eyes, he would have looked around for some form of pain
medication- not that he thought hospitals would leave such things
lying around, but he lived in hope. About ten minutes passed before
Severus, who's eyes were still closed, heard the door open and
shut.
Whoever it was, presumably a Healer, turned on the light
and Severus closed his eyes still tighter trying to block out the
sudden brightness. Severus could hear the person walking towards him,
slowly so he didn't feel threatened, but Severus didn't dare open
his eyes even though the person in front of him was a complete
stranger.
"Severus?" a woman said sounding both concerned and surprised.
Or not… Severus recognised that voice.
"Rose," he muttered, though he still didn't open his eyes.
"What's wrong?"
she asked, sounding panicked, having heard the tone in Severus'
voice. "Did the person who admit you make any record or?"
Severus
shook his head, but stopped quickly- it made the pain even worse.
"Who admitted you?" Rose asked outraged. "Oh never mind," she added, realising that Severus was in no condition to answer anyway.
Getting closer, Rose crouched down in front of Severus so that they were eye to eye.
"I need you to talk to me, Severus; where are you in pain?" Rose asked sincerely, but clearly.
"My head," Severus whispered, moving his hand towards his head to rub it again, but even moving his arm hurt him now.
At these words, Rose whipped out her wand and started muttering words under her breath as she waved her wand over Severus. Then conjuring a clip board and pen out of nowhere, Rose made some hasty notes on the pad. Once she was finished, she placed the pad and pen at the end of Severus' bed and walked back around to face Severus.
"Can you stand?"
Severus shook his head slightly.
"Can't you give me something for the pain? I wish to go home," Severus mumbled, but Rose heard every word.
"I'm sorry Severus, we can't send you home until we find out what is wrong with you; it is St. Mungo's policy-"
"There is nothing the matter with me- it is a headache," Severus muttered.
"Did you give yourself some pain remedy whilst you were at home?" Rose questioned.
"Yes-"
"Then it should have worked on a normal migraine. We must discover why you are having this headache, but if you let me go, I will get you some pain remedy now, just try and relax."
"I can't," whispered Severus.
Rose crouched down again and rubbed Severus' back gently. "I know it's hard, but please try. I will be back soon." She whispered and then standing up she left the room in a brisk walk.
Walking as fast as she
could, Rose made her way towards an office towards the end of a very
long corridor. Once there, she knocked and when a man answered, she
walked in.
"Scorpius," she said, panting slightly.
"What's the matter?" Scorpius said, standing up and looking deeply concerned.
"I need you to come with me-"
"What are we doing? Talk to me, Rose!" Scorpius demanded, sounding panicked.
"Everything is okay, just please, come with me," she said, pulling Scorpius by the hand. The two of them walked together to a screening room, Rose refusing to say anything to Scorpius whilst they were surrounded by other healers. Once in the screening room and with all the doors locked, Rose whipped out her wand again and started mumbling under her breath, Scorpius watching in silence.
The one thing that fascinated Scorpius, Rose and Lily most about training to be a Healer is a technique they were taught called Screening. Basically, with enough practice (something that takes a year of constant study and practice to achieve) they were able to store data about patients in their wand and project it onto a screen so as to see a scan, much like an X-ray of a certain part of a person's body, in this case, Severus' brain.
Realising what Rose was doing, Scorpius looked eagerly on the screen, waiting for the picture to show itself. Once it did, Scorpius and Rose stared at it silently.
"Is this person having severe migraines?" Scorpius asked, looking concerned as if wondering if this patient was someone they knew.
Rose nodded, turning pale.
"Who is this, Rose? Normally you tell me everything I have to know in order to analyse these scans. What are you hiding?" Scorpius questioned. Having specialized in this area, Scorpius wanted every detail he could get.
"We do not have any more information yet, Scorpius, but I will get it as soon as possible," Rose said hurriedly.
"Who is it, Rose?" Scorpius demanded.
"Severus," Rose replied, staring at Scorpius, fear and concern in her eyes.
"Shit," Scorpius muttered. Then turning towards the scans again, he said:
"Do you know exactly
where in the brain he was experiencing the pain?"
"No, he
could hardly speak-"
"I'm not surprised," Scorpius replied, nodding in understanding. "We need to find out."
"Why?"
"These
scans are good to see an overall image of the brain, there is enough
information here to know that there is something wrong, but there are
many illnesses that may cause this, we have to gain a more specific
and detailed scan of the precise area that is causing the most pain,"
Scorpius explained.
"So- so you think he has an illness? It's not just a migraine?" Rose asked, all hope seeping out of her- she truly hoped, despite what she told Severus, that he really was just experiencing a severe migraine.
"Oh Rose, I'm sorry. This is definitely more than a migraine, but it could be curable- we'll just have to wait and see," Scorpius replied sincerely.
"I haven't given him any pain medication; I thought you would want to-"
"Yes, it is preferable that you do not give him any until we can identify the exact source of the pain. Have you told Lily?" Scorpius added.
This had been running through Rose's mind ever since she saw Severus. Lily was on duty but Rose knew that no matter what Lily was doing, having Severus in the hospital and not telling her would be a serious betrayal in her eyes.
"I will notify her," Rose whispered, worried by how Lily will react to this- none of her family or Lily's were ever admitted into St. Mungo's except to give birth and Rose feared that this sudden occurrence may severely affect Lily.
"Whilst you do that,
I will continue to look at these scans- I think it would be best if
we wait for Lily before we examine Severus still further."
"Will
you go and check on Severus?"
"Of course," Scorpius replied and he walked out of the room, kissing Rose as he went.
Sighing, Rose walked as fast as she could a few corridors along until she found Lily consulting two other healers.
"Healer Harrison, may I speak to you for a moment?" Rose requested, knocking on the door.
"Can it wait, Healer Malfoy? I am a little busy," Lily asked, turning to look at Rose briefly.
Rose paused. "No, it is rather urgent."
Lily turned to look at Rose and then, realising something was wrong, she excused herself from the conversation.
"What's the matter?" Lily asked urgently; the look in Rose's eyes clearly meant that something was concerning her.
"Severus is here," she whispered so that the other Healers could not hear.
"I beg your pardon?"
Lily replied as if this was a bad joke to be making.
"Severus is
here, in a room. He is having migraines-"
"And you think that it is serious?"
"Scorpius seems to think so…"
"Okay- okay-" Lily said, clearly panicking. "Okay, hang on a moment."
Lily walked back to her colleagues and stated that there was a personal matter she had to attend to and requested that they continue the conversation later.
The two women walked as fast as they could back to the screening room where Scorpius was standing, still staring at the scans.
Lily's jaw dropped.
"This is Severus' brain?"
"Yes," Rose whispered.
"He must be in terrible pain," she whispered, her hand over her mouth. "Is he alright?" he added, looking between Rose and Scorpius.
"I just went to check up on him. I didn't enter, but he is well apart from the pain of course."
"So what are we going to do?" Lily asked the two of them.
"We need to find out exactly where the source of the pain is most powerful- as you know, taking detailed scans of every area of the brain will take far too long; we need to pinpoint roughly where the pain originated so that we can take yet another scan and determine a diagnosis," Scorpius explained.
Lily nodded vigorously and then without saying a word she walked out in search for Severus' room. Realising what she was looking for, Rose and Scorpius followed and led her to Severus' room. Once they reached their destination, however, all three of them stopped outside his door. Taking a deep breath, Lily opened the door to find Severus still sitting in his wheelchair, his eyes closed, but conscious.
Closing the door behind
them, Scorpius stepped forward and asked Severus:
"How are you
feeling Severus?"
"Did you bring me the pain remedy?" he mumbled, and Lily gasped slightly, at the sound of his tone.
"Not yet Severus, we need to-"
"Just give me the medication, Scorpius," Severus requested, his voice raised a little.
"We will give you the medication, but we need to find out something first so we-" Rose began.
"Ask me later; I need
the remedy now!" Severus demanded, though he wasn't shouting, his
head was pounding harder now that his blood pressure had risen. After
waiting all this time, they still hadn't brought him any
relief?
"Severus, please we need to ask you some questions- just
try to relax," Lily pleaded.
"Lily?"
"Yes, Severus- it's okay, just calm down. We'll give you some pain remedy in a moment," Lily reassured him, standing next to Severus and holding his hand with one of hers whilst rubbing his back with the other.
Severus felt himself relax a little.
"We need to know, Severus; where in your brain is the pain most severe?" Scorpius asked, watching Severus intently.
"I don't know, it just hurts," Severus asserted, though he wasn't really trying to fulfill Scorpius' request..
"Severus, just relax and try to pinpoint-"
"I don't know!" Severus asserted rather angrily, causing his migraine to increase substantially and then taking a deep breath, he tried to calm himself down once again.
"Please Severus, do you remember where the pain originated? Where does it hurt the most?" Rose asked, trying to assist her husband.
"I can't tell," Severus whispered, trying to concentrate on Lily's hand which was sliding up and down his back.
"Has this happened to you before?" Scorpius pressed on, starting to ask routine questions, hoping that maybe they will give him some answers.
Severus paused before answering.
"Yes," he replied, but wouldn't elaborate.
"For how long and how often?" Scorpius continued, making notes on the clipboard Rose was using before.
"Once before, but it was not as severe as this," Severus whispered, his palms starting to sweat slightly.
Scorpius made to write this on the clipboard, when Lily suddenly said: "Wait!"
Scorpius looked at her as did Rose. Though no one could tell, Severus' heart was beginning to pound still faster.
"He's lying," Lily asserted. Then turning to Severus she continued: "I do not know how often you have been having these migraines Severus, but you were lying just then. We know that we are all friends here, but as your Healers, you cannot lie to us- please do not lie, it's important that you tell us everything you can," Lily pleaded.
Severus didn't say a word, thinking about his answer- they were not going to be impressed.
"I have been
experiencing migraines for a while- they kept getting worse every
time."
"And how long have these migraines being
happening?"
"About eight hours-"
"No, I mean how many weeks have you been experiencing migraines on and off?" Scorpius clarified himself.
Again Severus paused. "Two years," he mumbled.
Lily let out a little gasp and squeezed Severus hand, Rose stared at Severus in disbelief whilst Scorpius went pale.
"Please Severus, I need you to tell me where it hurts the most; this is very important," Scorpius emphasised.
"I don't-"
"Concentrate for me- relax and focus your attention on your brain- where is the pain residing?" Scorpius asked soothingly and quietly, as Severus tried his utmost to relax, Lily still rubbing his back, though she was no longer squeezing his hand.
The concentration was making him feel ill, though forcing himself not to be sick on Lily and moreover, not throwing up in front of Rose, Lily and Scorpius, we forced himself to discover the source of the pain as fast as he could to get rid of the nausea.
"Here," Severus indicated, using his free hand to place his palm onto his forehead.
"Thank you, Severus. But now I need you to lie down on your back so that we can get the best scan of that area, sitting up in a chair, does not give us the frontal image; unfortunately, screening doesn't work that way," he reinforced, looking at Rose and Lily for assistance. Standing up, Lily removed her hand from Severus' and made to help him.
"No, I can't- give me some pain remedy first," Severus mumbled.
"We can't, Severus, not until we have taken the scans. We will help you- please try," Lily pleaded, standing in front of Severus now. "Open your eyes and look at me," she added, looking intently at Severus' eyelids, dying for them to open.
"No, the light is
bright."
"The light is off now. You need to be able to see
where you are going," said Rose.
"Just look at me, Severus. It won't take long; the bed is just behind you, it will be over in seconds."
"I'm in too much pain," Severus whispered so that only Lily could hear.
"I know, Sev, but please, we need to get the best scan we can possibly get. Hold onto my hands and Rose and Scorpius will lead you to the bed so you don't have to turn around," Lily encouraged, holding out her hands for Severus to see.
Slowly, Severus opened his eyes into slits; it seemed the motion was enough to increase the pain pounding in his head.
Severus cried out,
though only briefly, clutching his head with his hands. Lily placed
her hands on top of his and tried to grab hold of his
fingers.
"Severus, now that you have opened your eyes, let us do
this and then you can close them again."
Slowly, Severus opened his hands so that Lily could grab hold and then slowly she pulled him out of the wheelchair, watching Severus' face the entire time. Rose dragged the wheelchair out from under him and pushed it to the other side of the room and then together she and Scorpius helped Lily move Severus to the bed, but he wouldn't move.
"Severus, it is only two steps away," Scorpius encouraged. "You can do this."
But Severus was only barely listening; he was forcing himself not to be sick from the pain.
"Severus?" Lily said, looking into Severus' face; he had closed his eyes again. "Severus, open your eyes and look at me," she requested, half in panic, and half in deepest caring. "Please, concentrate on me just for a moment and open your eyes." Slowly she watched as Severus made an attempt to open his eyes again and this time, he looked directly at her.
She smiled a little, hoping that would encourage him to continue as Rose and Scorpius slowly led Severus to the bed.
"That's it Severus, almost there," Lily whispered.
Once they finally reached the bed, they slowly lay Severus upon it who, once his head rested on the pillow, was taking quick breaths as if he had just run a race. Closing his eyes again, Rose, Scorpius and Lily looked at each other with deep concern and then, Scorpius extracted his wand from his robes and began to screen the frontal lobe of Severus' brain, whilst Lily had resumed holding Severus' still sweaty hand.
"Excellent job, Severus," Scorpius said seriously when he was done. "I will examine these screens and perhaps Rose or Lily could get you some medication?" He asked, looking between the two women. Rose indicated to Lily that she would go and Lily was grateful; she wanted to stay with Severus and keep an eye on him. Once Rose and Scorpius had left, Lily made every effort to make Severus more comfortable even though no words were spoken between them. Lily knew that Severus was still conscious and was feeling and listening to her every move, but she knew better than to talk. Once she had fussed with his room as much as possible, she pulled up a chair near Severus' bed and ran her hand up and down his arm in the hope that the motion was not aggravating him.
Listening to Severus' breathing, she heard it slow down to its normal rate and took this to mean that he found her touch to be soothing.
And while Lily sat there waiting for her cousin and Scorpius to return she prayed that Severus would be okay.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Thankfully, Rose didn't take long to return with the remedy and together, she and Lily helped Severus take it, all three of them waiting anxiously for Scorpius to return with the results.
Severus could feel the pain sliding away from him and felt himself drifting off to sleep. Whilst semi conscious, he heard Rose say quietly:
"I am going to see what Scorpius is doing…" and Severus heard the soft closing of the door.
"How are you feeling?" Lily asked, sitting next to Severus' bed and looking eagerly at his half closed eyes.
"Better," he mumbled. "Can I please get out of here?" He asked in a stronger tone.
Lily shook her head. "Not until Scorpius comes back with the results, Severus. Just rest, okay?"
Lily was fidgeting, she was so nervous- if there was nothing serious to worry about, she was sure Scorpius would have returned by now.
"Lily," Severus said quietly, putting his hand on top of Lily's. "Stop," he said, so that her hands ceased wringing each other.
"Sorry," Lily whispered, looking at anywhere but at Severus, though she didn't push his hand away. "I'm just so worried."
"Don't be."
"Aren't
you anxious?" Lily asked, looking back at Severus and staring into
his eyes.
"No," he replied simply. "Because whatever happens, I know everything will be fine," he said calmly, looking back at Lily, the latter continuing to stare in disbelief.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door and Rose poked her head through the gap.
"Lily? Can I speak to you for a moment?" She looked pale.
"Can't you just
tell me here?"
Rose shook her head. "As a Healer I need to
talk to you privately."
Lily looked towards Severus, who nodded encouragingly. Lily left his bedside and followed Rose out of the room.
"Come with me," she said quietly, leading Lily back to the screening room where Scorpius was waiting for them.
"What is it?" Lily asked, once they entered the room and closed the door behind them.
Scorpius pointed at the scans and was just about to say something when Lily gasped.
"No, no, no, please tell me this isn't Severus' scan," she muttered, her eyes wide with shock and fear.
When neither Rose nor Scorpius answered, Lily had confirmation that what she was seeing was indeed an indication of what Severus would suffer- what they would all suffer.
Turning around to look at Rose and Scorpius, Lily insisted:
"There must be something we can do."
Scorpius shook his head solemnly. "You know what this illness is Lily, it is genetic; we cannot change the genes of our patient once the illness takes effect."
"Couldn't we remove a part of his brain?" Lily pressed on.
"The illness will spread anyway, it resides among the neurons of the brain, taking out his frontal lobe for instance will not save him," Rose whispered, knowing that this answer will only add to Lily's denial and sorrow.
"Are you telling me there is nothing we can do?" Demanded Lily, looking aggravated as she stared between Rose and Scorpius. "We're just going to watch him die!?"
"Lily, he still has a few more years-"
"During which he will be getting migraines that are far worse than this one!"
"Yes, he will suffer," Scorpius admitted. "But if he stays here-"
"He already wants to
leave, you know as well as I do that he will not be happy here!"
Lily cried hysterically.
"There is no other choice, Lily,"
Rose whispered, making to give her cousin a hug, but Lily pulled
away.
"During my first year as an intern, I watched a family whose father had the same illness and in the end he died alone! He died in that hospital room all alone because his family couldn't sit there and watch him die! I didn't know much back then, but I even found it hard to witness his slow deterioration and I wished that there was something I could do and I didn't even know the man! This is Severus, we are talking about and are you telling me that in twenty years there is still nothing we can do?" Lily pleaded, tears falling down her cheeks.
"We won't leave him-"
"But how do you know, Rose? What if it is too hard for me, too hard for all of us and then the only person he has for company is a nurse he doesn't even know? I will not let that happen!" Lily cried in hysterics.
"I promise to stay
with him, Lily," Rose reassured her, giving a Lily a hug, which she
now accepted. "It will be difficult, but if we stick together and
support one another, we can get through it."
"But that family
I saw- they fell apart- they couldn't- they couldn't- this can't
be happening- after everything he has done in his life, this is the
way he has to die?" Lily cried, looking between Socrpius and Rose
as if daring them to contradict her and tell her something different.
No one answered, it truly was a terrible diagnosis, but now that they had answers, part of their job was to inform the patient and discuss what will happen in the future.
"We must tell Severus," Scorpius said after a long pause as Lily was drying her eyes on her sleeve.
The two women nodded and together they walked back to Severus' room.
Once inside, Lily took one look at Severus, who was looking much better, and focused all of her energy on not bursting into tears.
"I feel better, may I go now?" Severus asked the three of them, as if he were getting tired of asking.
"No," Scorpius
replied seriously. "Not yet, Severus."
Severus paused looking
between the three of them. "You look grave. What have you found?"
he asked as if expecting the worst and lying back in bed, giving into
the fact that he will not be released anytime soon, though he was
still no closer to finding out why.
"You have a disease called Protinumens Progressio Morbus-"
Severus smiled a little; he had no idea what that meant and was slightly amused by how professional and intelligent Scorpius sounded.
Scorpius returned the smile and continued.
"The headaches you have been experiencing occur because the neurons in your brain are dying. The neurons in our brain, by their very nature, begin to deteriorate in our old age- this occurs in everyone. But those who have Protinumens Progressio Morbus, once this deterioration starts happening, instead of multiplying they die, sending a chain reaction throughout that area of the brain. Why this happens we are not entirely sure, but we believe a chemical is released after the first neuron dies, causing the others to also die much quicker than they are naturally supposed to. In people without this disease, no chemical is released and each neuron dies on its own clock, in its own time which means a deterioration in all areas of the brain can be expected. In your case, however, in the frontal lobe, where the pain is strongest, we can already see the damage that has been done to that area and unfortunately it will only get worse. Once the neurons in the frontal lobe have died, the disease will then progress to the other areas of your brain until eventually you-"
"Die," Severus finished off for Scorpius.
"Correct," Scorpius agreed, nodding.
"How did I get this illness?" Severus asked, not as if in denial, but simply curious.
"It is genetic, which means that your mother or father most likely had and died from it," Rose explained, trying to sound as professional as she could, but did not even come close to Scorpius' professionalism.
"My father did not have it; he died when I was in my twenties from a muggle liver disease. It must have been my mother…" Severus trailed off lost in thought.
"May I ask what age she was when she passed away?" Scorpius asked.
"About my age, I believe. But I left home almost the moment I joined the Death Eaters and I very rarely saw her. I was not even informed of her funeral, so I am not aware on how she was before she died. I assumed she died of old age, but it is possible that she died of this."
"I would say that
that is most likely to be the case."
"What are we going to do
about this?" Severus asked the three Healers in front of him. "I
assume there is no cure or you would not be looking so grave."
"There is no cure,
correct," Scorpius reinforced. "Basically, we can give you
remedies to eliminate the pain, but there is no stopping the
progression of the disease."
"What exactly does that entail?"
"The frontal lobe is what makes people different from other animals- it gives us the power and ability to reason, question, argue, speak, write and talk. Although you are experiencing no symptoms of this yet, as the disease progresses, it will gradually become evident. We will be able to tell when the frontal lobe has been completely destroyed once you are unable to speak. The next lobe is called the temporal lobe which is responsible for hearing, which will begin to deterioriate just prior to the partietal lobe which is responsible for all voluntary movement, smelling and tasting. These lobes rest on top of one another and will consequently deterioriate at about the same rate. The occipital lobe follows and damage to this area will prevent you from seeing and finally, the brain stem will be attacked which will mean that your heart will stop beating, you will stop breathing which is when the patient dies," Scorpius finished, realising how detached and uncaring he must have sounded.
"Couldn't you simply kill me and save me the pain?" Severus asked in a serious tone, though he didn't truly mean it.
Lily gasped.
"By law, anyone who is breathing on their own, are considered alive even if they have no memory or cannot speak and hence, killing you, even with your permission would be considered murder and as Healers, we would lose our jobs," Scorpius replied, deciding to play along with Severus' question.
"So I must live through this?" Severus confirmed.
"Unfortunately, yes, but we will make sure that you experience as minimal pain as possible and ensure that someone is always here to-"
"No, that is not what
I am concerned with," Severus interrupted; he needed to explain
what he was thinking… feeling. "Have any of you seen another
person with the same illness as myself?"
Rose and Scorpius
looked at Lily, giving her away. Severus followed their gaze until he
rested his eyes on Lily.
"What happened to the
family?"
"They fell apart," Lily whispered.
"Very well," Severus replied, trying to sound as detached as possible when he was really thinking very fast and felt very emotional. "I assume that as your patient, I have patient-Healer privileges?"
None of the healers confirmed or denied this because they knew where Severus was going.
"In which case, by law, you are not allowed to tell anyone else about my diagnosis unless I give you permission, is that correct?"
Tears were forming in Lily's eyes, all three of them knew what Severus was going to say next and did not wish to hear it.
Assuming that their silence proved him correct, Severus finished his request.
"In that case, you are not permitted to tell anyone about this disease or that I have it- no one is to know- no one. I will go home and stay there for as long as I can, leading my usual life and when the time comes when I am no longer about to function completely, I will return here as you wish and die alone so that-"
"No!" Lily cried, tears pouring down her cheeks. "Don't be ridiculous, Severus!"
Severus looked intently into Lily's eyes.
"Do you really think I am being ridiculous?" he asked her, more like a professor disciplining a student rather than a friend.
Lily paused; she was not expecting this reaction.
"Um- yes, I think you are," Lily replied quietly, but with confidence.
"What do you feel is wrong with what I am suggesting?" Severus asked, sitting up straighter in his bed.
Lily was glad of one thing, Severus' ability to argue and question was still intact meaning that no lasting damage has occurred to his frontal lobe yet.
"There are many problems I have with your plan Severus, but two of them are particularly strong- one is the fact that you do not wish for my family to find out and two, that you believe you actually have the choice as to whether or not you die alone."
"I do not see why
both of those things cannot be achieved."
"Oh, they can be
achieved Severus, but they won't be because I will not permit it!"
Lily asserted
"As your patient, you must give in to my orders-"
"And as someone who loves you, I promise you that when you die, you will not be alone-"
"But that is what I wish-"
"Why, Severus? Why would you want to die from this terrible illness all by yourself?"
"At least then I will spare you the images of my dying being; you will be spared from watching me deteriorate and become mindless-"
"But we want to be with you, no matter what you-"
"I have seen many people die in my life, Lily-"
"As have
I!"
"Watching someone die, knowing you can do nothing about it
is so painful, so torturous-"
"I don't care!"
"It
will plague you for the rest of your life, Lily and I will not have
that- I will not be responsible for causing you so much pain!"
"But
I want to be here with you, someone has to be-"
"And that person will
not be someone I care about! I refuse to allow it!"
"How do
you know how we will react? We may be okay with it, stick together
and support one another-"
"Isn't that what the other family tried to do?"
"Yes, but-"
"Unfortunately, no amount of support can break you free from the pain- it is terrible to watch someone die, let alone be responsible for it and although you should not experience either, I know you already feel responsible for this, but it is not your fault and I will not have you put yourself through any more pain."
"I will move on just like you did with Dumbeldore and Lil-"
"I have accepted it,
but not a day goes by that I remember that I was responsible for the
deaths of those two people, Lily. To watch someone you care about
suffer is so terrible, that you wish you were dead yourself; it is
something you will never get over and I refuse to permit you to watch
me die!"
"Well you will not have a choice Severus because when
you are close to death, you will not be able to stop me and I will
come here and be with you every hour and if that means I will be
grieving for the rest of my life then I don't care!"
"So you are going to disobey my wishes?"
"Yes-"
"What kind of love is that?"
"The selfless kind! You are acting this way because you want to protect me- protect my family, but you never after all these years think about yourself, Severus! But I do, I care about you and even if I am going against all of your wishes, Hell will freeze over before I will let you die alone!"
"Take it from someone who knows, do not create the torture that you will be trying to escape from for the rest of your life. I know you care about me, but I ask that you do not sit there watching me like I am a useless, pathetic animal that you feel sorry for-"
"Severus, please!"
Lily cried, sobbing. "You are not pathetic and I do not wish to
make you angry- I just want to say goodbye."
"You can say
goodbye when I am admitted into St. Mungo's and then you will never
see me again-"
"Are you trying to
torture me?" Lily screamed. "I have to see you! I could not live
with myself knowing that you were in the same hospital where I
worked, in pain and scared, but that I could not go in there and see
you because you think I will torture myself later! I will torture
myself every waking hour, wondering if there was something I could
do, worrying about how you are, and wondering if you are still alive
for Christ's sake! Knowing that you are suffering and that I cannot
be there to comfort you is unbearable to me!" Lily sobbed.
"I
do not want you to remember me as a great wizard who lost his mind
and was simply a shell that breathed and who both had a heart and was
deprived of one."
"Do you really think I would remember you
that way, Severus? You are so much more to me than whatever you may
be when you die. But as your friend- as someone who cares about you,
please do not deny me my right to care for you!"
"Lily, I love your
family too much to risk it falling apart, to risk the pain and the
grief that will arise if you watch me transform into an empty shell
where I cannot even remember who you are! I do not want to imagine
you sitting there watching me struggle with your identity and I don't
want you to be there when I struggle to find the words to tell you
and your family how much you mean to me, because I know that if I let
you visit me, if I give you that permission, you will surely tell
your family and especially your father and I refuse to cause more
pain to your family than I already have!"
"PAIN? PAIN,
Severus? Do you think that hiding the truth from Dad will lessen the
pain he will feel we he sees you lying in the bed with blank eyes, no
words, no sight, just a body that is breathing and existing- this
empty shell that my father will see having no idea what happened to
you because you wouldn't let me tell him? He will grieve for you
regardless of what he knows, but in one case he will understand what
happened, he would be expecting it and be able to cope with it, but
the other? He will never forgive you Severus and moreover, he will
never forgive me for keeping it from him, even though it is my job to
be confidential! No matter what you do Severus, my family will fall
apart because of your death; you have become a part of this family
and without you, it will not be the same, EVER AGAIN. So don't try
to pretend that we will be okay as long as we do not witness your
death or watch you deteriorate, because we will- all of us will fall
apart when we lose you and nothing you can say or do will change
that, so please- please let me tell them and let us be with you
because the pain of watching you die will be nothing to the pain we
will feel when you are lost forever," Lily cried, half sobbing,
half yelling.
Severus stared at Lily, wondering whether she was going to continue. He was concerned for her and could not help but partially agree with what she said.
"I will be fine, Lily-"
"Of course you'll
be fine! But what about the rest of us? Those you leave behind! We
want to say goodbye to you, to be there when you leave this earth
forever- you know you are going to a better place, but the rest of us
are left here on this earth- a world without you in it!"
"But
you will suffer more if you-"
"Then let us suffer! Do you think you are not worth the grief? The time? The mourning? Do you think it is best that we simply hear of your death, not being there when you die, my father not knowing that you were suffering until it was too late- do you believe that the knowledge that you are dead will lessen the pain when Dad realises he didn't even get the chance to say goodbye?" Lily was becoming hysterical now. "I cannot imagine a world without you in it Severus and I have no idea what I'm going to do without you and if you tell me one more time that I cannot be with you when you die I'm going to-"
"Lily-"
"Don't you dare tell me-"
"Come here," Severus finished and Lily ran to him like she was a child again and Severus hugged her close to him.
Lily was sobbing her heart out and she didn't care that she had let her defenses down; she could not escape the fact that she would miss Severus more than she could ever tell him. But the words wouldn't come; her breathing was coming out in deep sobs that she could hardly breathe, let alone talk. In hysterics, Lily embraced Severus so tightly, it would not have surprised either of them if she never let go, tears falling hard and fast onto his shoulder as she wept with no restraint, no thought, just raw emotion.
"Calm down, Lily," Severus said soothingly, trying to comfort the woman by rubbing her back like she had been doing for him only minutes ago. But if anything, the gesture made Lily sob even harder.
"I'm sorry," Severus whispered to her. "I'm sorry; I give you permission to tell whoever you want about my illness and if you wish, if you want to put yourself through that pain, you can watch me die and if you-"
Again, Severus' attempt to make Lily happier, made her sob even more and Severus was running out of things to say and so continued hugging her to him, hoping that she would calm down soon.
"Come on, Lily; calm down for me; there is no need to be upset, it will be-"
"No need to be upset, are you kidding me, Severus!" Lily screamed through her tears, pulling apart from Severus to look at him, her eyes and cheeks drenched with tears.
"It is not enough that you were born into a family where your father didn't want you and it isn't enough that you were abused and teased as a child, watching people die before your eyes- you then have this horrific disease where you will die in pain too- it's the injustice of it- you don't deserve it- you live and die in pain- why couldn't you die in peace- have something in your life go right for you?"
"Lily, listen to me," Severus implored as Lily lay her head back on his shoulder and wept once more. "The beginning of my life was unpleasant, unjustified and perhaps unfair, and from what you have told me, the end of my life will be similar, but for the last one hundred and ten years, my life has been everything that I thought it could never be. The pain I felt at the beginning and the suffering I will experience at the conclusion of my life is a worthy payment for the last one hundred and ten years, Lily. My life is wonderful the way it is and I wouldn't change it, so do not, for a second, feel sorry for me."
"But what about me?
What am I going to do without you? My life will never be the same;
how am I going to cope, how am I going to go to Dad's for Christmas
every year knowing you won't be there and what, Severus- what am I
going to tell my family- how do I explain that we will be a witness
to the slow and painful death of our beloved Severus? How will I
explain to my great grandchildren that there will come a time when
Severus will not recognise them and what am I going to do Severus
when I am standing at the door to this room wondering whether or not
I can do this anymore? What if I am not brave enough- not courageous
enough to be there for you, even if you don't know me, even if you
can't see- what will I suffer if I cannot bring myself to hold the
hand of a man whose very being has already disappeared? What if I
cannot find it in myself to be strong enough for you? What kind of a
betrayal will that be?"
"Lily!" Severus interrupted, tears
in his eyes. "Listen to me and listen to me closely. I have watched
many people die, but never have I witnessed the actual death of
someone I care about, but I can imagine it to be one of the most
painful experiences a person can witness. I do not expect you to
watch me die and to be honest, I do not wish it and if you are having
second thoughts, if there is an internal struggle between running and
staying, whatever you decide to do, know that the choice does not
matter to me, but it will matter to you. I know, more than I ever
have before, that you love me and I know that if you had it your way
you would stay with me right until my last breath, but we are human
Lily and death is one thing that many of us cannot face and for that,
I will always forgive you."
"I'm so sorry, Severus!" Lily sobbed.
"Do not apologise for this, Lily, don't you dare blame yourself."
"But there is nothing I can do to make it any better," Lily pleaded as if hoping that Severus would inform her of something she could do to improve his situation.
"When Scorpius was
telling me about the disease, I was not worried for myself, I was
worried about you- about Harry and your family. It is beneficial to
express your emotions, but know at the end of it all that you will
get through the pain- the suffering- the loss and that you will be
happy and move forward, do not resonate on it forever because there
is one thing I know- wishing it were different does not bring anyone
back and it does not help anyone- so don't make the same mistake I
did all those years ago. Promise me that you will move on."
"I'll
try," Lily whispered. "But Severus, I'm scared; what if I can't
do this on my own? How do I tell my family?"
"You do not need
to do it on your own, I am sure that Rose, Scorpius-" Severus
paused to look around as both Severus and Lily realise that Rose and
Scorpius had left the room, perhaps at the very beginning of Lily's
sobbing. "And I will be with you when you tell the family and I am
sure they will support you and support each other. We will tell them
together, Lily."
"Okay," Lily whispered audibly, though her
tears were still falling, she was calming down; having a plan,
knowing Severus' wishes, comforted her somehow.
For a few moments, the two of them remained silent, left to their own thoughts and feelings, valuing the moment they had together.
"I'm sorry for crying like this," Lily said, getting up off the bed so that she could see Severus face to face. "You are the one who will be in pain- the one who has the disease, you should be the one who is crying, not me."
"I am not afraid and I do not feel sorry for myself, if I were to cry, I would cry for you and your family; the people who are left behind because grief is much more painful than anything physical, trust me; I know. It is much easier to die than to watch someone die; my suffering will be nothing compared to yours, Lily and you know that, even though it may be too selfish to admit such a thing."
Lily didn't say anything, but she didn't have to; Severus knew that she agreed with him, though she could not bring herself to admit it.
"When will I be permitted to leave?" Severus asked in the silence.
"Oh," Lily said jumping and pulling out Severus' clipboard at the end of his bed. "I think that you can go home now but you must promise me that if you begin to realise that you are unable to function normally that you will tell me, Rose or Scorpius immediately."
"I promise," Severus said, getting out of bed and beginning to walk to the door.
"Will it be alright if I visit you at home every now and then just to make sure you are okay?" Lily asked suddenly. Severus knew that this was not for his benefit, but hers and there was no way that Severus would refuse her.
"Of course," Severus replied, smiling a little to which Lily returned and together they left St. Mungo's, Lily signing out as she went, and Apparated to Grimmauld place, seven of Lily's Tigress Patronuses running ahead of her.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"Does anyone else feel like they are experiencing de ja vu?" Ron asked the room at large as once again they were sitting down as a family, though in Grimmauld place this time.
"I do," Harry admitted. "What is it with our children and not being able to tell us anything?" Harry joked.
"So no one knows why Lily wants us all here?" Ginny asked, receiving shaking heads as a response.
"Well who's missing?" Albus asked, counting the people that were present.
"Obviously Lily isn't here, but neither is Rose or Scorpius and I guess Severus, I assume she would have invited him?" deduced Albus.
"I hate it when they
do this," Ginny shivered slightly. "Normally when large meetings
like this are called, it means something serious has or will happen
and I hate it that no one has any idea what it is."
"Well we
can guess if you want, Mum," James began. "She may be pregnant-"
"No, James don't be ridiculous!" Ginny reprimanded her son.
"I was just joking
Mum, honestly."
"Perhaps she is going to work at Hogwarts as a
Professor?" James continued on.
"And what makes you think that? What would she teach?" Albus challenged him.
"I don't know, potions probably-"
"Then she would be following after Severus-"
"May be that is what she is wanting to tell us- that would explain why Severus isn't here-"
"But as the Headmaster, surely she would have run it by me?" Harry thought aloud.
"Well may \be that is why she has gathered us all here; to ask you like Rose and Scorpius did with Dad," Hugo speculated.
"Speaking of which, where are Scorpius and Rose?" Hermione asked, looking around the room, wondering why they weren't invited if Hugo was.
As if on cue, the bell rang and Harry went to answer it, returning with Scorpius and Rose.
"So do either of you know why we are here?" Asked Ron as if he were sick of asking the question.
But neither Scorpius nor Rose answered and it was clear to everyone in the room, that they knew something, perhaps everything about why a meeting had been called.
The silence that followed the question was deafening and it was clear that everyone was becoming uncomfortable; they had the feeling that whatever this meeting was about, it wasn't going to be cheerful like the last one was all those decades ago.
"Do you know when Lily will be arriving?" Ginny asked her niece, looking past Harry so as to see the couple at the end of the row.
Scorpius looked to Rose as if waiting to see whether she would give an answer. It seemed that Rose did not trust herself to speak, so after silently indicating to Scorpius that she was not going to reply, Scorpius said:
"They should be here soon."
"They?" Ginny began, but at that moment, the bell rang again and Harry leapt up to answer it, knowing that his daughter would be at the door.
"Lily, it's about time," Harry said smiling, giving his daughter a hug as she walked in. "Everyone's been wondering what has been happening, there has been much speculation and it seems James' potions idea wasn't a bad one," Harry continued, shaking Severus' hand and closing the door behind their visitors.
Once in the living room, James asked:
"So was I right Lily, are you going to become the new potions master at Hogwarts?"
Knowing the true seriousness of the situation, Lily tried her hardest to smile at her brother's joke, but she didn't really pull it off.
"I wish," Lily replied half heartedly, averting her eyes from her family.
"Lily what's wrong?" Harry asked, leaning forward in his seat, looking into his daughter's eyes.
Lily could only look at her father for a moment before she had to turn away; she couldn't do this- she couldn't. But instead of talking, she looked past her father at her cousin. Rose was very pale and did not look like she was up to speaking, but she gave Lily a reassuring smile. Then looking at Scorpius, Lily watched as he did a form of made up sign language, asking her if she wanted him up there with her. Lily shook her head and he nodded with understanding. Lily then turned to Severus and he could see the beginning of tears residing in her eyes and knew how hard this was for her. Severus smiled a little and nodded to her, indicating that she should begin, he was there for her if she needed the support; he wouldn't leave her side.
"Lily?" Ginny said, getting up from her chair and moving towards her daughter.
"No, it's okay, you can sit down Mum," Lily said, forcing herself not to reveal any emotion just yet, even though the whole room could tell that something was very wrong.
Ginny sat down slowly, clearly concerned and as Lily looked around the room, she saw the same worried face looking back at her.
"Thanks for coming," Lily said. "I was hoping that none of you would be busy tonight and thankfully you weren't. Unfortunately, Michael couldn't come for he is looking after our great grandchildren tonight, because there is something important you need to know…" Lily faltered and looked up at Severus, who however silently, encouraged her to continue.
"I don't really know how to start," Lily began, looking around wildly as if the walls may give her some indication of what to say and how to say it.
"The beginning is a good place," James suggested, also looking concerned; the idea that his sister could not find the words for anything was a unique occurrence that worried James severely.
"The beginning… okay, I'll try that- okay, well today Severus-" Lily broke off, looking at the mentioned man, hoping that he wanted to take over which he did, for Lily's sake, not for his own.
"I had a terrible migraine last night, it constantly woke me up and it became so painful that I went to St. Mungos," Severus told a bunch of shocked faces. "I was soon assigned to Rose's care," Severus continued, indicating Rose on the far side of the room. "Soon enough, Scorpius and Lily were informed of my being there and together they sought to discover what, if anything was wrong with me."
"But wasn't it just a headache?" Harry asked. "Shouldn't some pain remedy have improved the pain?"
"I took some pain remedy before going to St. Mungos, but it didn't help," Severus replied and saw that this shocked most of the family; pain remedy almost always helps with the pain.
"So what happened?" Ginny asked, wanting more information in her confusion and anxiety.
"Severus informed us that he had been having headaches on and off for the last couple of years, though none were as painful as last nights, we decided to do some tests," Lily explained, once more trying to force the tears from falling. "But the screening was not precise enough to see what, if anything was causing Severus a problem. So we asked him to tell us where it hurt the most, to which he answered, his forehead. So we then took more scans and then we- we looked at them closely and- and we saw that Severus- um- that he- that Severus has- " Lily couldn't continue, tears had begun to fall and Harry, Ginny, Albus and James made to get up to comfort her, but Severus signaled for them all to sit down, which they did so however reluctantly. Severus put his arm around Lily, who began to cry quietly on his shoulder.
"Scorpius," Severus said seriously, looking at the man sitting next to his wife. Scorpius didn't need to be told twice; after giving Rose a quick kiss, he walked to the front of the room and patted Lily softly on the back before continuing for her.
"We found that Severus has been suffering from a genetic disease, presumably from his mother, called Protinumens Progressio Morbus and this means," Scorpius continued in a rush, having seen that most of his audience were about to ask the same question. "That Severus, to put it simply, has been experiencing these headaches because the neurons in his brain are dying abnormally quickly. This causes severe migraines which explains why Severus' pain has been increasing over the last couple of years. The disease starts in the frontal lobe of the forehead and eventually travels to the rest of the brain-"
"So, his- Severus' brain is- is dying?" Ginny asked, looking uncertainly between Scorpius and Severus who were both looking at her.
"To put it simply, yes, people lose neurons on a regular basis and because the brain is such a complicated organ, we often do not reproduce new ones, but in Severus' case, they are dying at an increased, unnatural rate, with no chance of them returning and without neurons in the brain, the brain cannot function-"
"So what are you saying Scorpius?" Harry asked, seriously, wanting something to be said that was not scientific.
"As the disease progresses, certain areas of Severus' brain will stop functioning. Because the deterioration started in the frontal lobe, the first symptom Severus will experience is loss of reasoning, logical thinking, abstractness and eventually he will be unable to read, speak or process language-"
"He won't be able to speak?" Albus asked looking at Severus, horrified.
"Correct, the frontal lobe is responsible for all the functions that make us human, so anything that differs between other mammals and us will be something Severus will lack-"
"And exactly how long will this take?" James asked.
"We are not sure, the disease progresses at different rates for everyone, but I would think that in the next five years or so, the frontal lobe will most likely be completely damaged."
"And- and then what happens?" Ginny asked, almost as if she didn't want to know.
"The next two areas in the brain are on top of each other, so the disease will probably spread through them at an equal rate. This means that Severus' memory, ability to voluntarily move, his sense of smell, taste, touch and hear will then diminish and again that may take a few years." Scorpius paused for a moment, ready for someone to interrupt him, but no one did, they are all in complete silence, deep in thought.
"And finally," Scorpius continued a little hesitantly. "Severus' eye sight will disappear and once that has happened, it would probably be half a year or so before his heart will stop beating and he will cease to breathe which means-"
"We know what it means!" cried Rose, the tone in her voice begging him to stop. Scorpius nodded apologetically in her direction and remained silent while the people around him mourned like he, Lily, Severus and Rose had already done back at St. Mungos.
No one seemed to be able to look at Scorpius, nor at Severus as if looking at either would simply bring more bad news.
"There is nothing you can do because it's genetic, is that correct?" Hermione asked in a whisper.
"Correct," Scorpius said.
"So, what's the plan?" Harry asked, solemnly, realising that there could hardly be a plan, now knowing what this disease was going to do to Severus, what possible plan could there be?
"The last I knew," Scorpius said, looking uncertainly towards Lily who was still crying silently on Severus' shoulder, but then catching Severus' eye, he indicated that the deal was still the same. "Severus will be able to live at home and continue with his life as usual. We have given him some a more effective remedy so that he can hopefully keep the pain at bay. At present, Severus is not experiencing any symptoms other than pain, which means that the frontal lobe has not started deteriorating yet, but once it does, it will happen reasonably fast. Lily, Rose or myself will visit him on a regular basis to ensure that no other symptoms have shown themselves. Once the frontal lobe begins to deteriorate, Severus has agreed, I believe," Scorpius broke off again to look at Severus, who nodded. "To return to St. Mungos where he will stay until he…" Scorpius didn't finish the sentence knowing that it wouldn't be appreciated by anyone.
"How long, do you think, until he will have to go to St. Mungos?" Ginny asked quietly.
"I am not sure, but I would estimate about a year or two."
Everyone stared back at him in disbelief, and Scorpius wished he could simply walk back to his wife and not be the scrutiny of this terrible news.
"Lily?" Harry said after what felt like the longest silence of his life. "Are you okay?"
Lily, who had her face buried into Severus' shoulder, lifted her head to face her father.
"I'm okay, Dad," she replied, sniffing a little as she wiped her tears. "I had my cry at the hospital," she continued, laughing a little.
"Have you- have any of you," Harry asked, turning to look at Scorpius and Rose. "Have you seen this illness before?" Scropius and Rose shook their heads, but Lily nodded and Harry stared at her.
"You have?" he asked in disbelief. "When?"
"When I was an intern," Lily whispered as if the experience was too terrible to plague everyone with it. "A father of four suffered from the same disease and I was given the task to monitor his progress-"
"It wasn't easy was it?" Harry continued, with a serious expression on her face- he knew there was a reason why she was so emotional, not just because she cared deeply for Severus, but because she knew what to expect and it pained her severely.
Lily shook her head vigorously and Harry stepped forward to comfort his daughter and Severus moved away so as to give them space. Ginny, James and Albus also followed suit and Severus was expecting them all to go and comfort Lily who had began to sob in her father's arms, but instead the three of them walked up to Severus, who tried not to look as shocked as he felt.
"We're so sorry, Severus," Ginny said, putting her hand on his arm.
"You didn't deserve this," James added.
"We'll be with
you," Albus reinforced, looking seriously into Severus' eyes.
"Until the very end."
Severus nodded; those words meant so
much to him and even though he believed Lily when she said that her
family would refuse to leave him, there was nothing more reassuring
than hearing the words coming from them, with such sincerity and
care.
"Thank you," Severus said softly. "But I told Lily earlier today, that I want you to look out for each other and support one another. I may be ill, but there will come a time when I will die and then you will need each other, more than you have in the past, to move on. You must promise me," Severus said, looking between Ginny, James and Albus with both seriousness and passion. "That no matter how much pain or suffering or grief you may experience, you remember that I will be happy knowing that your family are supporting one another. Lily didn't tell you, but the family she watched, the man that had the same illness as me, his family fell apart as they watched him die and I do not want that to happen, do you understand me?" Severus said, staring into the eyes of Ginny, James and Albus.
They nodded.
"Once I die, I will no long be in pain, but I know from experience as I am sure, you do too," Severus added, looking specifically at Ginny. "That pain can last for years- lifetimes, and I will not have my death being the cause of your family being too upset, too grievous to speak to one another. I want your family to be happy and you must promise me that whatever may happen to me between now and that moment, you will do your best to be so. Although I will still be alive, the one thing I fear is that I will not be able to be there for you because I cannot communicate- I cannot tell you that I am okay, so I am telling you now that I will be- I will be okay so if you feel you have to leave because you cannot witness the process any longer then," Severus raised his voice a little higher, for Albus was about to interrupt. "Then I beg you to leave- do not stay there because you feel I would want it, if you do watch me die, do it because you want to and not because that is what I expect of you, because all I want is for you and your family to be happy together, be the family I will think of when I die and the family I will watch over once I've gone. Do not fall apart because of me," Severus finished, becoming a little emotional as he saw the looks on Ginny, Albus and James' faces.
"We won't be the same Severus," Ginny said, a tear falling down her cheek. "We will try our best to be happy, to support one another and get through this as a family, but you are our family too Severus and there will be something missing once you leave that no amount of support could ever heal. I'm sorry, Severus," Ginny cried. "But I can only promise to do my best and to you, my best may not be good enough-"
Severus pulled Ginny into a hug and said into her ear. "Your best is more than good enough. I just worry for you and your family, especially Lily and I am only requesting this of you because I want to know that you will be okay during and after this process because although I will be alive and conscious, I cannot comfort you and I just want to make sure that you will be there for each other, seeing as I can't be."
"Okay, Severus," Ginny whispered back. "I'll try, but once you die and you watch us from wherever you may go, allow us to mourn for you because we're going to miss you so much!" she cried into Severus' ear and Severus hugged her tightly. "Just promise me you won't do what I did." Severus didn't need to say anymore than that; Ginny understood what he meant.
"I promise, Severus, I promise," she whispered. Letting go, Ginny stood aside so that Albus could give Severus a quick hug, whilst James hugged his mother.
"I'm going to miss you, Severus."
"But you have a family of your own now, you have a lot to keep you busy," Severus said cheerfully. "We have hardly had the opportunity to see one another other of recent, I am sure you will not miss me too much," Severus said smiling a little.
Albus pulled away from Severus and stared into his eyes. "I will never forget the brilliant man after whom I was named, but that man is also my friend, a part of the family and I will always miss him."
"You have grown into an excellent man and I am glad your parents named you after me, you have done me proud, Albus. Take care of yourself," Severus said, holding out his hand and shaking Al's.
"You're not dying yet, Severus," Albus pointed out in a joking manner.
"I know, but now seemed like the right moment to say it."
Albus nodded and went to his mother, allowing James to step forward as the two men hugged briefly.
"Look after them," Severus said quietly, so that no one else could hear.
"I will, but stay close to us; I don't know how long my family can last without you around," James said back and even though Severus could tell he was trying to make a joke, there was no denying that James meant every word and as Severus looked around the living room and the many people he cared about and even loved, he hoped that no matter what they go through, they will remember that he, Severus will always be with them.
"May I have a talk with you, Severus?" Harry asked, having finished comforting Lily, he now wished to talk to the man privately without his family around to hear.
Severus nodded his head and together they walked into the kitchen.
"You lied to me," Harry said almost the moment they sat down at the table.
Severus remained silent; he knew that Harry would eventually put two and two together.
"Two years ago when you wished to resign from Headmaster, you did not hit your hand on the table," Harry asserted firmly.
"True," Severus agreed, nodding his head.
"You had a headache
and perhaps it pained you severely at that moment which is why you
winced."
"Yes, that is what happened."
"But if you
really thought that these headaches were nothing serious, why did you
allow a few headaches stop you from doing what you love?"
Severus looked intently at Harry wondering if the man knew more than he was letting on.
"I realised that I
was getting old, Harry and decided that these headaches, were a sign
that I should resign."
"About how long did you have these
headaches before you resigned?" Harry interrogated.
Severus paused; he was sure Harry had worked it out.
"A couple of weeks," Severus replied quietly, turning away from Harry incase his eyes would betray his secret.
"You knew, didn't you?" Harry asked in both shock and disappointment.
Severus nodded his head.
"Why didn't you tell us that you knew?"
"There was no point in mentioning it any earlier than need be. I knew that Lily, Scorpius and Rose would figure it out-"
"Had you told them earlier they could have done something!" Harry shouted, standing up and staring at Severus.
Severus rose slowly and said as calmly as possible.
"I know-"
"Then why didn't you?" Harry shot back.
"Because if they could not have done something about it, then there would be a tremendous burden upon on your family- the anticipation- the-"
"When will you ever stop thinking about others and think about yourself, Severus!"
"Not for as long as I live, Harry," Severus replied quietly. "I have not known for long and I believe that it would have been too late anyway so I did not wish to burden-"
"Burden? This is
about your life Severus!"
"Yes, but-"
"How long have you known?"
"I haven't counted the years-"
"It's been years? If anyone has had the burden, it has been you, Severus!" Harry asserted, outraged. "Do you remember something that happened close to the time you found out?"
Severus paused; he knew that what he was about to say would anger Harry even more, so after taking a deep breath, he replied:
"Do you remember when you invited me to dinner many years ago when I informed you that I would arrive at 7pm instead of 6pm because I needed to do something else first?"
"Yes," Harry said through gritted teeth; if Severus had known for that long…
"My mother had died
the day before, I was going to her funeral and I knew I wouldn't be
back til late. I had no idea that my mother was ill, but after
talking to a few of her acquaintances, I eventually found her Healer
at St. Mungos who told me what she had and warned me that in many
years to come I too may be diagnosed with the same illness."
Harry
was staring at Severus; anger, sadness and disappointment flooding
through him.
"You never told us
your mother died."
"In case you have forgotten Harry, when I
arrived at Grimmauld place, I found myself already there! I figured
that the fact that Greyback was in your living room was much more
important than the death of my mother who I had not seen in
years."
"After it had happened then, even if it were a week
later, you should have told us!"
"I had pushed it out
of my mind- I did not want to focus on the negative and when I
realised that I was being accepted by your family."
"We would
have wanted to know!"
"I know," Severus said nodding, "and
I am sorry for not telling you, Harry, but I am now-"
"At least one hundred years too late!" Harry cut in.
"What happened in the past is not going to change the present, Harry. The fact is that I have this disease and even though I should have told you about it years ago when something could have been done, I didn't and we must accept that-"
"Then we need to tell the family-"
"No!" Severus said,
now standing up. "You will not tell them, especially Lily."
"Why
not?" Harry fired back.
"Just- please, don't…" Severus mumbled, looking away from Harry.
"So you are asking me to be burdened with the fact that you have known of your death sentence for years- you are asking me to keep it a secret, to not tell anyone of the pain you must have suffered?" Harry demanded.
"I have not suffered nearly as much pain as you are going to suffer and I forbid you to tell anyone in your family about this- the idea- the possibility that all of this could have been prevented causes me enough pain as it is and I do not want you adding to it by telling others that had I been more diligent, they would not be about to spend year after year sitting next to the bed of a brain dead, thoughtless, useless pile of shit!" yelled Severus.
Harry paused, looking deeply into Severus' eyes and saw the pain clearly reflected out of them.
"I'm so sorry, Severus," Harry whispered, realising that enough was enough. "I really wish you told me, it is not good to keep things like that to yourself, but as you have said, that was in the past. We will suffer Severus, as will you," Harry agreed. "And we will miss you deeply and watching you slowly deteriorate will probably be the most traumatic and emotional experience of my life, but nevertheless, we will always be there for you," Harry said as he hugged Severus and a tear rolled down the latter's face.
"I'm sorry," Severus whispered, apologizing for not telling Harry sooner, apologizing for the pain they were all about to experience…
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
16 months later
"Michael! I'm just flooing over to Severus' for a moment, I won't be long okay?" Lily called up the stairs to her husband who was getting dressed for work.
"No problem!" he called back.
Picking up a handful of Floo Powder, Lily stood in the fire place (which had been connected by the ministry to Severus' house since the original diagnosis) and said in a clear voice: "Spinner's End."
After enduring seconds of turning and sliding and the warm flames of the fire places she passed, Lily eventually landed on the floor at Severus' house.
"Severus?" Lily called, walking into the living room, wondering where to first search for the man.
"Good morning, Lily," Severus said, walking out of his kitchen, eating some toast. "Coming to check up on me again?"
"As I have been for the last year or so," Lily said, smiling and giving him a kiss on the cheek. "How are you feeling?"
"The same as always, nothing's changed since yesterday," Severus pointed out.
Lily smiled; as much as she would like to hope that changes cannot happen over night, she knew, in the medical world, in the human body, changes can and do happen in a matter of hours.
"Have you any plans for today?" Lily asked, making purposeful conversation as she always did on every visit.
"Not particularly,
now that Harry has gone back to Hogwarts there is hardly any point in
me going to Grimmauld place anymore, except to keep your mother
company, I suppose. Perhaps she would want a visitor?"
"I'm
sure she would love that," Lily said, she does get a little lonely
now that all us kids have moved out and Dad is at Hogwarts, but she
does try to keep herself occupied.
"Perhaps she and I could go to Hogwarts and visit Harry and his great great grand children. Can you imagine what would happen when Ginny and I Apparate into the Great Hall, the look on your father's face would be priceless!" Severus said excitedly, an abnormal change in his tone.
Lily was watching Severus closely and didn't reply.
"What?" Severus said, noticing the way Lily was looking at him.
"Were you being serious just then?" she asked suspiciously.
"No, I would have hated it if someone arrived at the school unannounced, especially when I was Headmaster. But if we had Harry's permission and if your mother was willing…" Severus faltered under the look Lily was giving him.
"What?" Severus asked calmly. "Are you feeling well?" he asked, concerned for her health.
"You cannot Apparate into Hogwarts, Severus," she said quietly.
Severus paused for a moment.
"I know, but it was hypothetical, after all it would be greatly amusing if we could Apparate inside of Hogwarts and surprise-"
"It was not hypothetical, Severus; when I clarified with you, you said it could be done with my parents' permission."
"No, you are wrong, I was simply implying that if we could Apparate into Hogwarts, it would be a huge shock for your father-"
"That is not what you said-"
"That's what I am saying now!" Severus yelled, clearly angry at being contradicted.
Lily changed her tact.
"Severus, do you really want to go to Hogwarts and surprise Harry and all the students?" she asked excitedly, as if she were a little girl, preparing for a thrilling adventure.
"Most definitely; are you thinking of coming with me?" But then Severus looked concerned: "Could you take the day off?"
Lily felt herself turning pale. Getting up out of her seat, she walked towards Severus and kneeled down in front of him, so that she was looking up at him.
"Severus, you are not thinking rationally."
"Yes I am; what was so irrational about going to Hogwarts?" Severus replied as if Lily were a student of whom he was teaching.
"This is not
something you decide to do any day you choose, Severus. Dad would
have to organize the school, make sure there were no exams on, that
the staff and students were accepting of the interruption. There is
much organizing involved and as you pointed out, Dad would need to be
informed well in advanced."
"I didn't mean we were going
today," Severus said, sighing a little as if Lily just wasn't
understanding him.
"That is not what you said-"
"Don't you think I would remember what I did and did not say?" Severus snapped at Lily, who moved away slightly incase he became aggressive.
"Severus," Lily
began, holding his hands and staring into his eyes. "You need to
come with me."
"Where are we going?" Severus asked, though
he was getting up from his chair all the same as if eager to follow
her.
"To visit my mother," Lily answered, hating herself for lying to him, but knowing that if Severus knew the truth, he would not be cooperative.
"Do you think she would want to visit Hogwarts to see Harry?"
"Possibly," Lily answered, but only half heartedly as she led Severus out of his front door, locked it and put a few protective spells around it. Walking onto the sidewalk, Lily grabbed hold of Severus' hand and before the man even knew what was happening, the pair of them were headed to the mall where the entry to St. Mungos was located.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"I thought we were going to Grimmauld Place," Severus said, looking suspiciously at Lily when they arrived at the mall.
"We are, but I need to do something here first," Lily replied, trying to sound as authentic as possible.
For some reason, Severus did not question this and followed Lily into the glass to only arrive a second later in the foyer of St. Mungos.
"Come with me, Severus," Lily said, holding Severus' hand and taking him to the room that he was assigned the last time he was admitted into the hospital. Finding the room and checking that it was empty and clean by whispering quickly to a nurse nearby, she took Severus into it and closed the door behind them.
"What are we doing here?" Severus asked, as if he now realised that Lily was not being entirely truthful with him.
"Severus, you are not well," Lily began, but was quickly interrupted by Severus.
"There is nothing wrong with me! Wanting to go to Hogwarts is not a sign of insanity, Lily!" Severus yelled, but Lily maintained her ground.
"You are not insane, Severus, I never said that you were, I am merely saying that you are beginning to experience other symptoms of your illness and if you remember, you agreed to come in to St. Mungos once new symptoms began to present themselves-"
"And I will keep my
word when I am actually sick! You cannot determine my mental
sanity from one conversation- I made a mistake, it
happens!"
"Severus, listen to me," Lily interrupted, tears
forming in her eyes, hating it how Severus was so angry with her.
"You have never made a mistake like this before- you worked at
Hogwarts for so many years and if you were one hundred percent
healthy, you would not have made the statement that you could
Apparate into Hogwarts-"
"It was
hypothetical!"
"Severus, please!" Lily cried. "You then
talked about visiting Hogwarts when you know very well that under few
circumstances would that be allowed and your hastiness and lack of
rational thought in that matter led me to believe that-"
"I'm insane?"
Severus finished for her, looking livid.
"No! No, Severus,
please, please don't get angry, please calm down for me, okay? You
are not insane, you are showing symptoms of the disease and although
you do not realise it, it is affecting your thoughts, the
deterioration of your brain has begun and you know that you need to
be here where we can look out for you-"
"I'm not
useless!"
"I know, Sev- I know, please don't yell," Lily
pleaded, tears falling down her face. "You are still able to
function properly and you could live by yourself, but because this
illness travels very fast once it starts, we need to monitor your
health and make sure you are okay- that everything is going according
to plan."
"My death you mean?" Severus snapped back.
"NO! Severus, no!" Lily sobbed. "Please, please don't do this. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but please I wouldn't keep you here unless I knew I had to and I must, as your Healer, it is my responsibility to keep you here until you are better-"
"You know as well as
I that that is never going to happen!" Severus yelled, the vein in
his temple pulsating. "You've brought me here, you lied to me and
now you are going to keep me here for the rest of my life- take joy
in watching me die!"
"No, Severus, no," Lily sobbed, trying
to approach Severus, who pushed her away. Lily whipped out her wand
and tried to produce her Patronus, but she couldn't, only silver
vapour flew in front of her and she cried still harder; she needed
help.
"How can you expect me to trust you when you lie to me? Pretend to take me to your mother's when you were in reality bringing me here? And who were you trying to communicate with? Not that it matters seeing as you are not strong enough to produce a Patronus. See what guilt can do to you?" Severus exclaimed, staring avidly at Lily, who could hardly see through her tears.
"This is not you, Severus-"
"Has someone come and possessed me then? Because I am reasonably sure that I am the one talking- I know what I'm saying-"
"Yes, but you have no control over it- you're saying things you don't mean-"
"I mean every word I am saying to you, Lily even if you are not willing to hear it," Severus hissed.
"No, you're not well, Severus; I brought you here to keep you safe- to keep you as comfortable as possible-"
"Oh and what a great job you are doing," Severus snapped sarcastically.
"Please, please cooperate with me, I need you to get in to bed so I can perform a screening of your brain-"
"Which is clearly
damaged, so I do not know why you bother!"
"Severus, as your
Healer, please please do as I ask; I know it is hard for you to
accept, but you need to confront the fact that you are here and you
will not be permitted to leave-"
"Really?" Severus asked,
looking slightly amused as he brought out his wand from his robes.
"No, Severus, wait- please calm down," Lily said, holding out her arms in a form of cautioned surrender. "Put down your wand."
"Not until you let me out-"
"I can't, Severus, I can't, I really wish I could, but I can't," Lily cried. "Please, I am not going to hurt you, I just need you to relax and calm down for me-"
"Because you are setting a great example," Severus cut back with sharp sarcasm.
"I know, I'm sorry, but you're wand is pointing at me and it is very hard to be calm-"
"And being stuck in a room in St. Mungos makes calming down easy?" Severus fired back.
But suddenly, Lily's thoughts were flowing out of her mouth and he had no control over it.
"Severus, do you
remember me? Do you know who I am? Please, don't let this disease
take you over just yet- focus on me and who I am and what I mean to
you. I love you, Severus and I would never hurt you and I only
brought you here to keep you safe, because I care about you."
Severus
paused for a moment, staring at Lily as if wondering whether or not
to believe her. In the moment's silence, Lily quickly raised her
wand and managed to produce her Patronus in order to send a message
to Scorpius, she could communicate with her other family members
later.
"Who did you just send for?" Severus asked, snapping out of his reverie.
"Scorpius," Lily replied cautiously, moving slowly towards Severus, testing the water.
"I see and what exactly is he going to do?"
"Scorpius will take a scan of your brain and examine it so we know where the disease has progressed."
Severus didn't reply, but he seemed to be calming down and Lily was relieved beyond expression. After a while, Lily suggested:
"Would you like to get into bed?"
"Like a sick, pathetic child? I think not," Severus answered aggressively.
Lily decided not to push the point and wait until Scorpius arrived.
After ten minutes of waiting, there was a knock on the door and Lily opened it to find Rose and Scorpius standing there. They walked in and closed the door quietly behind them and then they and Lily turned around to look at Severus.
"There is no need to stare at me like I am some disobedient child that has done something wrong."
Rose and Scorpius turned to look at Lily, who confirmed that this is what he had been like since he entered the room.
"I am right here you know? I can see what you are doing. Talk to me!" Severus demanded.
"Please lie down for us, Severus," Scorpius said, walking over to the bed, pulling out his wand.
"Is that all you can say to me? Let's forget for a moment that you care about me and let's play doctors for a while? Who cares about Severus' feelings; he'll be fine once we take a scan of his demented brain and then give him medication for the rest of the day!" Severus spat, angry tears in his eyes.
Lily sobbed a little. Severus didn't pay attention to her, but Rose moved over to comfort her cousin whilst Scorpius continued.
"I am truly sorry
Severus," Scorpius said with great sincerity. "But it is our
responsibility as Healers to do the required tests to ensure your
health."
"But what about your responsibility as human beings?"
Severus snapped back.
"Severus, please, we all care about you, we truly do, but you need to relax and lie down so Scorpius can screen your brain and then we can talk as much as you wish-" Rose said.
"Please do not make this any harder than it has to be, Severus," Scorpius said quietly.
"Oh, I'm sorry is this difficult for you?" Severus asked, pointing his wand at Scorpius.
"Expelliarmus!" Scorpius yelled, so fast that Lily didn't have the chance to react to Severus' obvious attempt at violence. Scorpius caught Severus' wand, though he didn't look smug about it, on the contrary, he looked fearful.
"Give my wand back now!" Severus said through gritted teeth.
"I will once you lie down for me please," Scorpius asserted, moving towards Severus to help him lie down.
"Get off me!"
Severus yelled pushing Scorpius away.
"If you do not cooperate,
we will call other Healers in to help us."
"Oh I am really
afraid now. A whole bunch of healers, how will I survive? I would
think that after being in the Dark Lord's presence for so many
years, nothing would scare me anymore," Severus replied sneering
and the look he gave scared Lily more than anything else.
"Will you two help me here?" Scorpius asked, turning around to look at his wife and Lily. The two women nodded as they walked towards Scorpius and Severus. Without a wand, Severus was completely defenseless and yet, the three of them knew that Severus would probably use any means of preventing himself from being lowered on to the bed. Rose, Scorpius and Lily did not have a plan, their aim was to calm Severus down and get him into bed but without any form of remedy to help them (for fear of messing up the scans), this was no easy feat.
If an outsider were watching the following scene, it would be quite a sight; three Healers were wrestling with their patient to hold him down whilst thinking of some way to verbally convince him to remain still. It was surprising to all three of them that Severus was actually very strong and managed to force his weight against them for a few moments as they tried to push him down. Eventually, his stomach muscles gave way however and Severus collapsed onto the bed, breathing heavily and the Malfoys and Lily took the opportunity to restrain him.
"Get off me!" Severus yelled through heaving breaths as he tried to push Lily off his chest.
"Severus, please calm
down, please," Lily begged, never once taking her eyes off Severus.
"We cannot take the scan whilst you are moving. The sooner you stop
moving, the sooner Scorpius will have finished the scan and then you
can argue and yell and move as much as you want."
"No, the
reality is you want the scan to be taken so you can force drugs down
my throat to prevent me from moving or talking at all because I am
causing you such a problem!" Severus spat back. Lily
realised that the damage to Severus' frontal lobe had not yet
completely depleted the area for reasoning, for it was clear that
Severus was sometimes able to reason effectively, as if the ability
to reason was available to Severus at random. But this insight also
allowed Lily to realise more fully than anything else, that if
Severus was only occasionally able to reason, that means he would
only sometimes understand reasoning. This meant that in order
for Severus to calm down, something more than arguing or reasonable
debate would need to be used.
"Severus, look at
me," Lily whispered, taking everyone by surprise and Rose and
Scorpius knew better than to speak as Lily continued. "Look deep
into my eyes. Keep looking for me okay and whilst you are looking, I
am going to ask you a question and I want you to answer it as best
you can."
Severus nodded, staring transfixed into Lily's eyes.
Scorpius and Rose watched in silence, amazed at what Lily was doing
or at least, trying to do.
"Do I want to hurt you?" Lily asked with great gentleness and concern in her eyes. Severus tried to look over at Rose who was standing just behind Lily, but Lily distracted him:
"Look at me Severus."
Severus averted his eyes back to Lily's and paused before answering.
"No," he said, continuing to look at Lily.
"Do I dislike you?" Lily continued with great kindness.
Again Severus paused before answering, clearly thinking about his answer.
"No," he replied again.
"How do I feel about you?" Lily asked once more, rubbing Severus' arm gently with her hand.
Lily saw Severus' eyes flicker for a moment towards Lily's comforting arm, before turning back to Lily's eyes.
"I mean a lot to you- you care about me…" Severus replied slowly, as if scrutinizing the emotion in Lily's eyes.
"You do," Lily agreed as tears began to fall silently down her cheeks. "Would I ever hurt you?"
Severus shook his head.
"You would not hurt me."
"Why?" Lily asked, almost sobbing
at the great sincerity in Severus' voice.
"Because you love me," Severus whispered, sounding half confused, half enlightened by this discovery as if staring into Lily's eyes gave him sacred, meaningful information.
"That's right," Lily said nodding, tears falling rapidly down her face as she too collapsed on top of Severus' chest, hugging him tightly to her as she wept quietly on his shoulder.
Rose and Scorpius were gob smacked as they stared at the pair on the bed, completely at a loss as to how Lily knew that strategy would work.
"Thank you," Lily whispered more to some form of god or heaven rather than Severus. "Thank you, thank you," Lily whispered some more as she felt Severus breathing gently against her. After a moment, once getting over the initial shock that Severus had stopped fighting her, Lily stopped sobbing and controlling her breathing she uttered what she had been thinking since she had brought Severus to St. Mungos.
"Never ever forget what you mean to me Severus; no matter what happens, I want what is best for you," she whispered in his ear.
"I know," Severus whispered back, emotion finally starting to seep into his tone. "But I'm scared…"
Lily grabbed hold of Severus' hand and squeezed it tightly.
"I am too- it's okay to be scared, but me and Rose and Scorpius- we want to look after you, we know it will be hard, but try to trust us okay?" Lily asked, removing herself from Severus' body and looking into his eyes.
Severus nodded and Lily smiled sadly as she stood up to be faced with two very shocked expressions.
Without uttering a word, Scorpius took out his wand and performed the screening over Severus' head which was now perfectly still.
"Finished," Scorpius said, lowering his wand. "I will be back soon," he added, turning around and leaving the room quietly. Rose walked towards Lily and whispered in her ear:
"I will inform the
family."
Lily nodded her consent and Rose followed her husband
out of the room.
"Are you in any pain?" Lily asked Severus, resuming the rubbing of his arm.
Severus shook his head.
"Are you okay?" Lily continued, hoping for some sort of verbal response from Severus.
Severus nodded.
"Talk to me," Lily said, looking eagerly at Severus, rubbing his arm once again.
"I am afraid,"
Severus began, looking at the ground. "Since you told me about this
disease I always said to myself, 'at least I have a couple of years
before it starts to affect me,' and now that it has, I know this
long and painful experience will begin and I have no control over it-
I cannot stop it from happening. I am not worried about myself,"
Severus added, emphasising this fact even more. "But for you and
your family it has already started and if I had the choice, I would
die at this very moment so as to prevent you from years of suffering
as you watch me deteriorate. I worry- I am afraid of what will happen
to you and your family, because now that I am ill I will not be able
to comfort you- help you- let you know that I am well because soon I
will not be able to speak and soon after that I will have minimal
memory but I do not want to die, go to wherever it is that I would
go, look down upon you and your family and realise that I have done
permanent damage- that you thought I did not love you or that I meant
every terrible thing I said, when in retrospect I cannot even
remember saying it."
Lily was speechless; as she listened to
Severus she began to truly realise how hard this process was going to
be and although she was more afraid for Severus' health than her
own, in the end, however traumatic it will be, it will be her and her
family that live through it and what would happen if they fell apart?
As if going on a different mental tangent, Severus said suddenly.
"Did I hurt you?"
"When?" Lily asked quietly, surprised by the sudden change in topic.
"Today."
Lily paused and looked over her body briefly.
"I don't believe
so; I can't feel any bruises."
"Did I hurt you?" Severus
asked again with a certain emphasis and a piercing stare.
Lily knew what Severus was implying; physical injury was not on the man's mind. Nevertheless, Lily could not bring herself to admit it.
"No, it was not your fault-"
"Did I hurt you?" Severus asked yet again, raising his voice as if he knew the answer, but simply wanted to hear it from Lily's mouth.
Lily paused, looking back into the black pained eyes and whispered. "Yes."
Severus looked as though he were about to hit something; the last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt Lily physically or emotionally. Severus forced himself not to lash out and decided to talk instead.
"I had no control over what I said- I did not want to be here- I wanted to leave- I was afraid of what this meant for me and for you," Severus asserted as if pleading with Lily to forgive him.
"It's okay, Severus, I understand," Lily reassured him.
"Promise me something," Severus continued, putting his hand on top of Lily's which was still rubbing his arm.
"Anything," Lily whispered.
"That no matter what I do or what I say from here on in, you will always remember, however hard it is to do so, that I never want to hurt you and if I do, which I am bound to do many times throughout this process, please try to forgive me and know that if I could control my behaviour, my words, my emotions I would not be doing this to you- I wish I could comfort you instead of being the one causing the pain in the first place- just know Lily, know that I would wish for anything but this and promise me that you will never forget that I love you and your family-"
"We love you too, Severus," Lily replied, tears in her eyes from Severus' intense sincerity and fear. "And I promise," she whispered.
Severus pulled Lily into a hug and whispered: "Please stay close to me."
Lily nodded her head, wanting Severus to know for certain that she would be near him the entire time even if he wasn't aware of it- even if he didn't want her there, she will be…
After a few minutes of silence, Severus gently pushed Lily off him and said:
"My things are at home, am I permitted to get them?"
"I'm sorry Severus, once admitted you are not permitted to leave the hospital. But I will get them for you. Is there anything special you need?" Lily answered, withdrawing a pen and paper to make a list. Once Severus had told her everything he wanted her to bring for him, she asked one more time if he was in pain and after hearing a 'no', she left the room asserting that Rose and Scorpius should be back soon.
After fifteen minutes of waiting, without anyone dropping in to visit him, Severus tried his best to fall asleep, but as he made this attempt, he gasped in pain as a severe headache arose suddenly. Severus slowly lay down on his bed, holding his palms to his forehead, trying to relax and block out the pain. Not even thirty seconds passed, before Severus rose out of bed and in desperation for a pain remedy like he had upon his first visit to St. Mungos, started searching the drawers and cupboards in his room even though he knew that no hospital would keep such things in a patient's room. After searching the last cupboard, Severus looked up to find Albus and James standing near the doorway, he hadn't heard them come in.
"What are you doing, Severus?" Albus asked, walking closer to the man, who backed away and lay back down on his bed again.
"I need some pain remedy," Severus replied. "Could you please find Rose or Scorpius for me?"
"No," James said,
standing next to his brother and then turning to Albus, James said as
if Severus were not there. "This must mean Severus is still
alive."
"Great," Al replied sounding disappointed. "That
means we are going to have to spend another ten years of our life
waiting for him to die."
"It was so boring; he was not even
able to speak or move, so what's the point in being with him
anyway?"
"Beats me, but Lily insisted that we stay. I do not see why she feels she needs to, Severus would never know- it's just a such a waste of time," Albus moaned.
"I know what you
mean; couldn't they just kill him? It would do all of us a favour
and then Lily would stop insisting that we stay here with him-
watching him die- it's just pathetic."
"I agree," Albus
said, nodding his head and then as if on cue, Harry, Lily and Ginny
walked into the room.
"Have you heard? Severus is still alive," Lily said, sounding a little disappointed.
"What is this Lily? You actually sound unhappy about it," James said, looking shocked.
"Well I was hoping
that he would be dead by now; it seems to be taking much longer than
I thought it would."
"It has been ten years," Ginny pointed
out.
"Exactly! Shouldn't his brain be completely destroyed by now?" James asked.
"I suppose," Lily said nodding. "But Severus seems to be holding on-"
"I wish he would let go," James cut in. "Then we can get on with our lives."
Lily had just arrived back at the Entrance of St. Mungos where she saw her family, Ron and Hermione up ahead.
"Dad!" Lily called, causing all of them to turn.
"Lily!" Dad called back, giving his daughter a hug. "What are you doing?"
"I needed to go to Severus' place and get his things for him. I guess I should take you to his room," Lily said, leading the way through the glass. Once they arrived on the other side they began walking down the corridor in the direction of Severus.
"How has it been going so far?" Ginny asked.
"Not too well, it took a while for myself, Rose and Scorpius to calm Severus down, but he is much better now," Lily said in a positive tone as they rounded the corner and immediately heard shouting.
"If I were to be honest, I would have preferred to never have befriended Severus if that meant I could have escaped this dreary torture," Harry said to his family who nodded in agreement.
"You didn't have to stay!" Severus yelled, speaking for the first time since the Boggart appeared. "I told you- I told Lily that you did not need to stay!" He cried, his head pounding in pain.
"You never told us that," James said to Lily, looking angry.
"Well I didn't want to be stuck with him all that time!"
"So you subjected us to this torture? You forced us to stay here with you because you were too pathetic to watch him on your own? It's not that hard, he's basically dead anyway!" Albus added, looking furious.
"I didn't want to be alone-"
"So you thought you would subject us all to boredom?" Albus fired back.
"Are you telling me that I have spent the last ten years at this man's bedside when he didn't even want me here?" Harry demanded of his daughter.
"Yes, I do!" Severus yelled back, but the Boggart was ignoring him.
"He is still alive," Ginny said, looking clearly at Severus. "We have wasted enough time waiting here for him to die, Lily. You can stay here by yourself and when you figure out a way of bringing back the last ten years, let us know," Ginny asserted, grabbing hold of Harry's hand and together James, Albus and their parents walked into nothingness, leaving Lily crying. At this moment, the real Lily, her family, Hermione and Ron knocked on the door; although they had heard everything Severus and the Boggart said, they felt that now was the time to enter.
It seemed that Seveurs did not hear the knock, so Lily cautiously opened the door and stood aside so everyone could walk past. Once they were all in the room, Lily noticed that her Boggart self was still there.
"I should never have volunteered to care for you! Now look what you have done, Severus! My family hate me and it is all your fault! I wish I never knew you- you have made me lose everything I care about! My family- my time! You weren't worth that!" she screamed at Severus who was holding his head, tears pouring down his face.
Lily walked towards her Boggart self which changed immediately into a dead Harry, which then changed into a dead Ginny…
"Riddikulus!" Lily cried, then laughed a little so as to cause the Boggart to disappear.
She then turned to Severus who was looking at all of them in disbelief, confusion and anger. Subconsciously, he lifted his hand to rub at his forehead again, despite what had just happened, his headache was still immensely painful.
"Are you in pain, Severus?" Lily asked, walking closer to the man, who looked up suddenly and said:
"Stay away from me."
Lily paused before answering.
"Severus, it was a Boggart-"
"I told you that they didn't have to stay! If your family found it so boring and tedious I told you not to force them to stay!" Severus screamed, making his head pound evermore harder on his skull.
"Severus, it was a Boggart- it wasn't real!" Lily insisted. "Please, please listen to me, we want to be here and none of us find it boring at all," she continued as her family, Ron and Hermione nodded behind her. "Please let me give you some pain remedy-"
But Severus was not listening to her anymore and turning to James he said:
"I thought you were going to look after them!"
"I- Severus, I will-"
"Then what was that?
They left Lily by herself- you cannot abandon her like that!"
"I
would never do that, Severus! It was a Boggart you saw, it was not
reality-"
"And you!" Severus
said, turning to Albus. "I take back what I said, you have not done
me proud- if you had any decency, you would not have said those
things to my face!"
"Severus, I would never ever utter those
words. None of us would be that cruel, we want to be here and we will
be until the very end," Albus insisted.
"That does not make up for what you said to James not long ago and you know what? I wish I never knew any of you either, it would have made this process so much easier!" Severus yelled aggressively, looking between the Potters.
"It was a Boggart, Severus!" Cried Ginny. "We did not say any of the things you heard; we would never say something like that- we love you too much!"
"Those are empty words, Ginny, I know that the moment I am unable to remember anything, you will begin to wish you were some place else- I don't want to waste your precious time so go! Leave! I don't care!" Severus screamed, his voice cracking as he did so.
"Please, Severus,"
Lily said, walking forwards, tears pouring down her cheeks. "Let me
give you some pain remedy."
"I am not taking anything from
you! You betrayed my trust! You kept them all here and now they hate
me!" Severus yelled, both anger and sadness dwelling in his eyes.
"Severus, we don't hate you," Harry said, joining his daughter. "You mean everything to us-"
"Don't lie to me," Severus hissed back.
"We aren't lying," Harry said, grabbing Severus' wrist and looking him in the eye. "We value your friendship more than we can ever say and we will always be here with you; it will not be a waste of our time; we want to spend as long as we can with you before you die even if you are not capable of speaking or even moving. We want to be here," Harry insisted.
Severus wrenched his wrist from Harry's grip and shoved Lily's arm away as she was trying to feed Severus' the remedy by means of her wand.
"Get out," Severus said dangerously, looking at Harry and Lily, holding his head as he did so; the pain was getting worse.
"Oh great, everyone is here," Rose said happily as she walked through the door, Scorpius following behind her, closing the door behind them. "What is-" But Rose ceased talking when she saw the looks on everyone's face. "What happened?" she asked, her tone becoming one of concern.
"Severus are you okay?" Scorpius asked, rushing to the man who was clearly in severe pain. "Have you given him a remedy?" he asked Lily.
"Not yet-"
"You didn't give him one after he calmed down?" Scorpius asked.
"No, he was not in pain at the time-"
"You should have given it to him so that this would have been prevented!" Scorpius shot back and Lily backed away looking thoroughly upset.
"But he wasn't in pain, I didn't want to give him medication unless he needed it-"
"He must have been in pain for some time," Scorpius interrupted, using his wand over Severus' brain. "Where did you go?"
"I went to get his things-" Lily whispered.
"You should have asked a nurse, Lily- you should not have left him-"
"I know!" Lily cried. "I'm sorry!"
Scorpius summoned a pain remedy to him and made to give it to Severus who looked at him momentarily and then willingly opened his mouth.
Lily's jaw dropped. "He didn't take the remedy from me, I tried to give it to him-"
"It would have been because of the Boggart, Lily, he still believes that it was reality," Harry asserted.
"There was a Boggart in here?" Scorpius asked, looking between Lily and Harry.
Lily nodded at the ground.
"Don't people clean
in here anymore?" Scorpius asked no one in particular, but was
clearly outraged. "What was his Boggart?"
"It was not a
Boggart," Severus said, now that the remedy was taking effect, he
was more willing to speak. "The five of them," he said, pointing
at the Potters, "were wishing that I were dead so that they could
move on with their lives because it was so boring sitting next
to someone who was as good as dead, who it turns out, they would have
preferred not to have known and Lily," Severus said, looking
directly into Lily's eyes. "Told them they had to stay when I
told her months ago that they didn't have to-"
"I never betrayed you, Severus!" cried Lily.
"Don't lie to me!" Severus screamed, making to get out of bed, but Scorpius held him down. "You promised me- I thought you cared about me-"
"I do Severus, I do," she sobbed, but Severus just looked at her as if her sobbing were pathetic.
Of course, Scorpius knew that the Potters would never say or think anything of the sort and realised that due to Severus' slow deterioration of his rationality, he was unable to justify the difference between his worst fear and reality.
"GET OUT!" Severus screamed. "I never want to see any of you again!" he shouted, looking at Ginny, Harry, James, Lily and Albus. "You don't want to be here so I give you my blessing to leave me alone! Enjoy your life, don't waste it in here with me!"
"No, Severus, please that is not what we-"
"Lily, you need to go," Scorpius said delicately. Lily looked up in horror; she could feel her tears cascading down her cheeks.
"Scorpius-"
"Severus needs to relax and that will not happen whilst you and your family are here," Scorpius said in a quiet tone.
"I want to help," Lily whispered back.
"You have done enough, Lily. It is clear that although you are an experienced Healer, when it comes to Severus, you cannot remain objective: he is first and foremost your patient-"
"No! He is my friend of whom I care about so much that I-"
"Exactly, Lily," Scorpius said in a harsher tone. "You failed to give him routine medication and you left him alone for a short while and consequently, look what has happened!" Scorpius asserted, gesturing to Severus who had not stopped staring angrily at Lily. "You need to leave so we can calm him down and then later, hopefully you will be able to straighten out what happened with the Boggart."
"And what if I can't? What if he doesn't listen?"
"Well…"
"You
will think I deserve it because I didn't take the necessary
precautions?" Lily fired back, not even allowing Scorpius to
answer.
"What has happened is very unfortunate, Lily and although it is not entirely your fault-"
"So it is partially my fault-"
"You betrayed your role of Duty of Care-"
"You think I don't CARE for him?" Lily asked hysterically.
"Of course you do, but as a Healer, Lily we are expected, as you know very well, to care for our patients comes first and whatever love we may feel for them must come second!"
Lily didn't answer and stared at Scorpius, tears continuing to escape her eyes, her breathing short and quick. She looked down at Severus who still looked furious at her and when their eyes met, Severus said in an angry hiss:
"I don't want you here. Do as Scorpius said and get out."
Rose was looking down at the ground, she did not want to take sides in this matter.
Eventually Lily said: "I am not leaving- not until he knows how I feel-"
"Lily, listen to me,"
Scorpius said, reaching across Severus' bed and holding onto Lily's
arms. "Severus is not well, you know that and I know that. You know
why he reacted in this manner towards the Boggart and you also know
deep inside that no matter how long you stay here, he is never going
to know how you feel until he has recovered from his most recent
headache. Until he has had some rest, you know that he will
not accept your feelings whilst you are here."
"But I want him
to know that I love him," Lily whispered, in between sobs.
"Lily, he knows you do, beneath the apparent hatred, the yelling and the anger, he knows you love him, but for him to realise this, you must leave him alone for a while," Scorpius said gently, moving around to Lily's side of the bed and taking her hand. "I will look after Severus for you, I promise," Scorpius said so that only Lily could here as he led her slowly to the door.
"I'm sorry," she cried, however quietly.
"I know and it is okay; I too, apologise for yelling at you. Please leave for a while, I promise to contact you when he has calmed down."
Harry, Ginny, Al and James followed Scorpius and Lily to the door and once there, Lily turned around, feeling like she needed to say one more thing to Severus, she asserted tearfully:
"I will never hurt
you Severus, please don't forget that."
"You have
hurt me Lily and I will never forgive you, now leave like I know you
want to-" Severus snapped.
"We don't wish to go-"
"Then I'll make you!" Severus screamed and made to get out of bed. Rose was fast and put most of her weight on Severus' torso to stop him from moving, but he seemed to determined to reach them.
"Mum! Dad!" Rose said as Hermione and Ron looked at their daughter with fear and uncertainty. "Help me!" she insisted and slowly, but surely, Hermione and Ron helped Rose restrain a very angry, upset and hurt Severus. Lily was pushing against Scorpius, her body language suggesting that she wanted to stay, but Scorpius grabbed a hold of her and pushed her backwards, away from the still yelling Severus.
"No, I want to stay!
Please don't make me leave him when he is like this!"
"We
have no choice, Lily," Scorpius replied through gritted teeth as he
continued to push Lily and her family through the door. "He will
not improve whilst he think he is surrounded by people who despise
him and betrayed him."
"But we didn't," Lily insisted, crying hysterically.
"I know that, Lily, I
know," Scorpius reassured her, looking her in the eye. "But
Severus doesn't and until he is in the right state of mind, you
cannot come back in."
"But I am his Healer!"
"You are
one of his Healers, Lily. Rose and I will look after him. You
need to be with your family because unfortunately, it is not going to
get much easier than this," Scorpius said looking sympathetically
between the Potters.
"Look after him," Lily called out as Scorpius closed the door on them.
"Not that you care!" Severus screamed so that Lily, her family and half the hospital probably heard.
Lily couldn't stop herself, she made to open the door again, but Scorpius had locked them out. Bashing on the door, Lily was crying, attracting a lot of attention from fellow workers and patients, but she didn't care.
"Let me in! I care Severus, I care! Do you hear me? I want you to get better- I care about you more than I can ever say!"
"Oh shut up!" Severus yelled.
"No! Severus!" Lily screamed, pounding her fists on the door.
Finally the door opened, and Ron poked his head through the gap; he and Hermione hadn't said a word since Lily met up with them outside St. Mungos.
"Stop," Ron said firmly, holding onto Lily's pounding arm. "He will be okay, Lily, but you are not making it any better by bashing on the door."
But Lily was now sobbing and didn't answer: she didn't know what to do about Severus, about the situation; what was she supposed to do?
"Are you and Hermione going to stay and help?" Harry asked his best friend.
Ron nodded.
"Is everything okay in there?" Ginny whispered, so that Lily couldn't hear over the sobbing.
"Severus is furious; he is still under the impression that you all hate him, but Scorpius and Rose both believe that he will improve after some rest."
"You are so lucky," Lily suddenly sobbed, looking at Ron.
"How am I lucky?" Ron asked her, puzzled as to why she would say such a thing.
"Severus is not mad with you- you're able to stay with him whereas we have to stay out here," Lily cried. "You get to be with him."
Ron nodded. "In that regard, I am lucky, but so are you."
Lily stared at her uncle in disbelief; how could she possibly be lucky after what just happened?
Interpreting her silence as confusion, Ron continued.
"What we saw and heard in there was a Boggart, Lily not an image from the Mirror of Erised. That creature moulded itself into the form of your family and it showed us the two things Severus fears the most- one, that your family may fall a part because of his illness and all that you will suffer and two, that you do not love him as much as he loves you. All of you know that if the roles were in reverse, he would be there by your side," Ron said, looking between his sister, niece, friend and nephews. "And it is clear that he is afraid that you would not do that for him- no matter what he has told you in the past, he clearly wants you there, even if he never admits it. So I am lucky because he is not mad at me and he will listen to me, but he does not care for me like he cares for you and as much as this hurts you all, think about this: his Boggart could have been any one of a number of things, but what he fears the most is you believing he was not worth it: that despite all he has been through with you, he may still die alone and even though you know that that would never be so, he clearly has his doubts. When you apparently betrayed him, he felt worthless, you could see it in his eyes- but despite all of this, you are lucky because he loves you and even if he never feels the same way about you ever again, you know- we all know- that at that moment when he was by himself in his room, he would have wanted nothing more than for the five of you to be there," Ron finished finally, feeling quite proud of himself.
"I never knew you were so insightful, Ron," Ginny said, clearly impressed.
"I've been observing your relationship with Severus for many years- it wasn't hard," Ron said, smiling in spite of himself.
But Lily was still
crying, what her uncle said was very true; she had never viewed the
situation from that point of view before , but she couldn't stop
her tears from flowing. After a moments pause, Ron said: "I had
better go," looking uncertainly into the room behind him.
"Look
after him," Albus asked of his uncle.
"We will," Ron said nodding and then, after giving Lily's hand a squeeze and clapping Harry on the shoulder, he closed the door.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
A/N: For those who are interested, Protinumens Progressio Morbus is Latin for disease (Morbus) of the frontal (Protin) lobe (mind- mens) that progresses over time (progressio). I hope you liked the chapter and are interested in where it is going, even though you can probably imagine what the tone of the rest of the story is going to be like. I hate doing this to Severus, but for the sake of a good story (and for living up to what I always planned), I hope you will forgive me.
Anyway, thank you so much for reading and I hoped you liked the chapter (even though it was not entirely a pleasant one). Please remember to review! I hope to update soon (I am still determined to finish this fanfic before I go back to uni- I have two weeks left!)
Take care and happy reading!
Bumblebee88888
