(Well, we made it. Through all the crappy typos, rape of canon, brief insanity, long recovery and ball bustingly bad writing, we made it to the final chapter of the Marissa games. I don't know about you guys but I want to get this crap over and done with, so lets put the final nail in the coffin and end this!)
Well noone got my vontest rite (What contest?) so NO STORY PLOTS FOR U (Oh thank god, the sooner this crap is over, the better.) just my own idees so here it ibs... the big AKSHUN PAKED FINAL END OF (You mean, the big craptastic explosion of.)
THE NARRISSA (Why don't we just call this the "Narciccist games" and be done with this stupid pretense?) GAMES
CHAPTER FINAL: THE CHOOSEN ONE (You really are a narcissist, author.)
I looked round in the plase that the guy putted me into it was... PORTAL LABS!##!13123 (Just another little example of how you can't move on from the past... i'm gonna guess GLaDOS and the Tweedles will show up in this chapter.) I o-mouthed (ARRRGHHHH) in shock there was lots of pepole here doin sience (...yeah, seems about right...) an workin out to increasement their mussels an strenth an practisin with weapons. (I really hope she's not turning this place into District 13...) "Welome back to Portal Lbas Marrissa." The guy said I was sooooo confused. I just stared with confuse an some suspishus becuse I didant trust anythin to do with Portal Labs. (Yet you lived there for a good few years... in fact, how long have these guys been based there? Marissa was THERE at the start of this fic, how did she/they not notice one another?)
"My name is Whipe Whittaker Im a doble-agent workin for Prisedent Snow. (A plot point like this should've been built up long before this, not just thrown in during the last few chapters.) I was sent by him to kill Haymitchl to stop you from winnin (Haymitch did jack shit, Marissa could've won this with her eyes closed.) but I was relay seein if he had relay changed his ways an he did so I recrooted him to the caws." (Genius plan.) Wip expositioned. (...you're not even trying anymore, are you?) "We are the riesentance a gainst Critiks Unitary (We are the greatest combination of excellent fanfic writers ever made! You must meet our leader, Preisdent Tara. Also, if Whip was hired by President Snow to kill Haymitch, you'd think he would've been there right from the start to observe all this, not just randomly crashing in.) an we made Portals Labs are base."
This was a big suprise there was a resisten? Snow wood pay now that I had backup. (You could just use your goddamn nuke powers to end all of this already.) "Wait!" I rembered, "Whers Prim an Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eata?" (Dead and out of his misery.) "Dont warry we got them to." WIp ponted at to sax that was all wigglin (So, why was Marissa pulled into a portal and they had to be brought in a bag?) an they dumped out won was Prim an the other was...
"U DUNDERHADS THATS NOT PEETA PEETA SANDWICH EATA THATS SWEARY GUY!$ !" (...how do you even MAKE that mistake? The three of them were all literally in the same place!) I fecepalmed. "Wot the f**** bugger did u g***89 s***** me in teh bullocks Ill sod yuo gits to g****** bloody hell!#!1" (Its amazing how his name is all his personality too.) Sweary Guy sweared in British with swears. (More redundant redundancy.) Wip bushed an was all embarass for messin up the game (I'd be embarrased to if I somehow got the wrong guy from the one place he was.) were was Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eata? (I repeat, dead and out of his misery.)
"Nevermine Ill take you to are liter now." (Liter? I want to say litter, but...) He lead me an Prim an Sweary Guy thru Portal Labs past the old tests an nerotoksin rooms an lab places an science (Your sucky description never ceases to amaze.) till we got the layer were GLaDOS used to be there (Which is probably still in ruins but whatever.) but insted there was... RATMAN!#!#! (... *sniff* Can't move on from the past, can you? *sniff*)
"Good to see u Marrissa Im sorry abutt yur friend Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eata hes been kindnaped by Critic Unites." (Yeah, sound fucking familiar?) Prim started cryin all ever were an Swaery Guy said "Get a buggerin life u f****** c**** sod." (Why'd they even bring him?)So Prim pile drived him. (Totally reasonable.) She mite be a cute littel girl but shes DANJEROUS. (We get that author, stop pointing obvious shit out to us.) I seriosly needed the down lo (You're not even black.) now there was so much going on so I aksed Ratman what all this was a bout.
"Well Marrissa I surived bein space becos of the space core he has a power for space breathin. (...eugh, whatever. Its probably the only thing in this fic that makes any kind of sense.) I was hit by a asteroad (And somehow survived.) an felled to Earth an started the risentence here at Portal Labs. (For no reason.) Me an Presient Snow are 'old frends' so I got a score to settel." (And we will probably never learn of this. Or if we do, it will be something stupid.) Ratman looked reely mad wen he said Presdent Snows name an his hands went into fists an braked his chair arms. (That's very overboard, what is he a super human now?) Then he happied an remebered somethin important (Bloody mood swings mans... they're infectious...) "Aslo, there sumone peaples who want to see u!4" (Oh goodie... nice to see they figured bringing Marissa's family into the resistance was a good way to keep them safe.) An two guys walked into the rom they was... WHEATLY AN GALE CARRYIN CHELL JUNOR#*! (What a bloody surprise, thank goodness Marissa gets to be reunited with her family when so many others have died and she made certain to let us know about it.)
"WHEATLY CHELL JUNOR IM SOOOOOOO GLAD TO SEE YUO ! _#" I ranned to them with speed an glomped Wheatly (No doubt crushing Chell Jr between them.) with lots of kissin an huggin an lovin on him. (Get a room you robot fetishist.) "I bloody missed you so buggerin much Marrissa" (Really, shouldn't the reuinion at Christmas have been this?) Wheatly sade as I keept kissin him then Chell Junor said "Mama!" An I o-mouthed (FFFFFF.) she was learnin to talk! (Which you would've found out at Christmas.) My fmaily an I were finally reunited an I was happy. (Hey Wheatley! I killed lots of children for you!)
But Gale an Ratmam pulled me of Wheatly an Chell Junor (Before they could start fucking like rabbits.) an looked at me with sturn FASES (SEE ITS RITE THAT TIME!#!) ( )an Ratman said "Theres no tim for that now. Marrissa u are the choosen one to defeet President Snow (So she wasn't so much chosen, she's just the only godmodder around.) an kill all the flamers of Critics Unit (For daring to critique this fanfic, they must all die. I realize i've told the author to die too in the past chapter, but the difference is this author is a bad person who endorses pedophillia, random acts of violence and having sex with robots.) for ever we are goin to attak the copital at brakin dawn torromow becos it is a new moon after a eclipse (GEDDIT THERE BOOKS) (...HAAAAA.) wich is wen they are weakest becos the captal uses soler powered." (Which was of course never mentioned before.) Wheatly grabed my arm an taked me to the train station (hehe its a pun) were we wood prepare for the fite. (And of course Wheatley is obviously going to come, because Chell Jr should be left with no parents in case they die.)
First I praktised a gainst the pig mashine monsters (Wipe had also taked some a those for practisin) (So, he could grab the entire loads of pig monsters for practice, but couldn't grab the one Peeta?) an made a blowup inside them so all there guts squirted out an they died. (Man, I wish i'd used this on Rue earlier!) It was a powarful move an I was gonna use it on President Snow. (Because he deserves to die horribly for heading a society that makes fun of bad fanfiction!) "Marrissa Ive got a bloody huge suprise for you yur not the only git with powers now#!" Wheatly said an then... "Expecto Petroleum!3" He said wavin his wand an magic shot out all over the plase killin those monsters I hadant gotten to yet. (...no. Expecto Patronum summons a Patronus, its not a killing curse. There's only one of those. Would it have killed you to do a little research or are you just trying to piss us all off?) I was so impress with my hubby he relay was a powerful bad a** now (Yeah thanks to the author meddling in canon once again...) so I huged him an Wheatly did a robot blush. (...HOW. HE HAS, NO, SKIN. OR BLOOD CELLS.)
-MEANWILE IN TEH CAPTIAL-
Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eata was inna hospsital straped into a table sirrounded by bad doctors (Whom he instantly knew was bad because... the author demands it.) an the norses from Silent Hall. (Yeah, why not, just take bits and pieces from all the games you like to make your fic seem better.) They taked his arms an legs an chests off (Which probably would've killed him.) an putted robot parts lick in Doos Ex: Human Revalushun (Add another one to the pile of randomly pulled in rubbish.) wile Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eata was screamin an thinkin of Prim an the nites they shared together in passion (...so, this confirms that Peeta has had sex with Prim. ...fffuhfuhfuhfuhfuhcking sick!) an he screamed but threy keept goin President Snow lolled an put his fingers in touchin becos his plan was goin exactly rite.
-BACK AT PORTAL LABS-
We had traned for all nite (Even though you really shouldn't need it.) even Prim but she was still mornin Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eatas lose (Ugh, this is fjust disgusting...) wen Ratman came onthe intercom. (Eww.) "All rite everbody to yur battel stations (What battle stations exactly? We have no idea what their plan is.) its time to attack the capital!3 44" Pepole started runnin puttin on armer an weapons with brave an angry faces (And none of them will ever be specified.) Sweary Guy gotted a new bazooker (Because a member of the enemy will make the perfect soldier for your team.) an test shot at the targets dummies which all looked like Katniss. (Oh that's just fucking despiccable. It's bad enough you completley write her off from the story entirely, it's even worst you continue to treat her like some kind of clown even worse. It's sad when a fictional character is a better person to look up to than a human being.) But sumthin was rong. (Could it be, this entire fanfiction?)
"Ratman how can we fite the Captal in Portal Labs its way far away?" (That is indeed a legit point.) Ratman lolled onto the inter com. (Wait, if Marissa's not even talking to Rattman face to face, how can he even hear what she's saying?) "Marrissa Ive done sum upgrades sins you were last here." (He somehow upgraded an entire, miles long facility?) The hole ever thing started to shake I thot there was an earthquake so I ranned to Chell Junor hoo was at the daycare senter (Which convieniently existed.) wen the shakin stopped an…. PORTAL LABS LIFTED OFF INTO THE SKY!3 (...are you fucking kidding me?) I o-mouthed (BLEURGH) realizin what was goin on, Ratman had turned Portal Labs into a flyship like in The Advengers!11 (Ok, of course we need to rip off another film. First thing, Portal labs is BUILT INTO THE UNDERGROUND. It's not just nestled on top and able to detach so easily. Also, Portal labs goes on fore MILES AND MILES both horizontally and vertically. It'd be impossible to mobilize ALL of it to make it into a giant airship. This just isn't right.)
"We are goin a faster than lite speed we will be at the Cpaitol in 5 mins (Faster than the speed of light implies it wouldn't take five minutes to reach the capitol. Einstein must be rolling in his grave...) so hold onto yur buts" (How old is Whip, five?) Wip Whittakered (...NO. NEXT.) wile flyin Portal Labs from the cokepit. "Marrissa yur gonna be are support (Why? Marissa should be your main attacker.) so get out there an wank those trolls luv!3" (More delightfully awkward sentences...) Wheatly said so I went to the exite an flew out an the capital was loomin a head. (Time for the shitstorm to begin...) Suddendy… a bunch a flyin turrents shotted up to shot us! (I love how the Portal turrets are just able to do whatever.)
Turrents cant fly an how did Pisent Snow get them? (Well he must obviously have some relation to Aperture Science and he wants to kill Marissa... he's GLaDOS, isn't he?) I thot in my brain but I didant haf time to find out those turrents was shottin me! (Turrets? Shooting you? Nooooo. Just use your detective powers or whatever.) Sweary Guy was on a rafter shottin the turrents with his bazooker "F**** C**** BULLOKS U WANKIN G******** GITS!2" (Yep, keep excercising that one single trait you have, because this fic is too stupid for character.) He yelled with no indoor voice (No fucking shit.) but it didant matter sins we were outside anyway. (Then this point was completley redundant.)
I was shootin at turrents left an rite an they felled down killin flamer trollz on the streets who was watchin the battle. (As usual, Marissa warrants death to the innocents who aren't a part of her fight.) A little kiddie troll an his mom was watchin an a turrent fell on the kid to make him explode but I swapped down with fast an groped him but his mom runned up an the turrent hitted her instead (Marissa truly is a hero, saving children and letting the adults die.) an her blood an guts an brains an bones spatlered alls over us. (And she relishes in the blood of her victims, sick fucker.) "Mommy! !" He screemed but I didant care, (For a mother, Marissa really has no motherly instincts at all.) he was a kid an cold be saved from the trollin ways but she was to far goned an given into falming. (Despiccable.) "Whats yur name?" I asked an looked at me with scared (I'd be scared too if Marissa just suddenly appeared.) an he said "My name is Skepness Man. (That's not a name.) My mommy Skpekitty (AN: the one in the GAMES was a clone) (Really? So, Skepkitty just randomly sent a clone of herself to stay behind and care for her child? That's... actually an amazing move for a mothering figure. I imagine she'd have gotten in massive trouble for that if she was found out, but she risked it all just to look after her child... and Marissa just killed her. She truly is the monster here.) just died to explode!" He cried but I telled him "Dont worry yur mom was trollin stupid (Your mom was stupid and sent a clone of herself into the games so she could save you, that's why I didn't bother to save her.) an I no yur dad hell raise you better." I said Then he exploshun. (Delightful... so that entire scene was pointless, except for this author to spread more spite.)
I got up an dusted the kids pieces of me with angry who wood kill a kiddie? (Uh, you did Marissa when you stomped on Rue's head for no reason.) A guy in trenchcote with robot arms legs chests an robot eyes an sunglasses buitled into his hed (Adam Jensen, please get out of this fic.) walked up holdin the gun. (The gun? What kind?) He was a total bad a** but I did fists becos he was a jerk fleamer to. (Marissa knows how to spot jerk flamerz because they're anyone who dares oppose her.) I powered up my powers to kill him when I herd "MARRISSA STOP!#" It was Prim. She was in battal armer with a mashine rifle an runned between me an the guy. (Prim was a medic in the field in the original... nice to see that's been neatly tossed aside for the more sane option.) "Dont you unnerstand thats…" she ponted at the robojerk (Robojerk... like you hadn't made it clear he was a villain enough yet.) "PEETA PEETA SANDWICH EATA!" The guy startled an droped his gun. (Prim somehow saw through the whole thing because... fuck if I know.)
"Prim? Marrisser? Were um I?" He asked in a scrutchy an deep man voice. (Wow, seriously? He's just broken out of it with no actual conflict? Weaksauce.) "Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eata, u was brianwashed by Critiks United but are true love must of braked the spell!" (Fucking weakass sauce. And yes, the true love between a pedophile and a little girl. Sick.) Prim relaized an she runned up to Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eata and huged him an they kissed. (Right in the middle of the battlefield. Smart move.) When tehy were done Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eata looked onto Prims eyes (I hate how this author is trying to play off pedophillia as romance.) an said "I am changed so Im changin my name to P-Body in honor of my dead sister." (...what the fuck. This makes even LESS sense than Gabe Johnson calling himself Cave Johnson.)
I was all OMFG at that reveal, (I was more just WTF personally.) it didant make any sins! (So does the rest of this Fanfic.) "I had a sister name P-Body (Parents can be so cruel...) an one day a time portal opened an bad scientists taked her an killed her (Clunky exposition dump stinks.) an turnsed her into a robot. Now I am a powerful bad a** (Even though you've done nothing so far and did well holding your own before...) so I will P-Body to carry the torch." Peeta-Body said (we desided to call him that to not confuse). (Too late, you've already confused EVERYONE reading this.) Befour we cold talk any more more turrents came these ones was relay big with mashine guns (Animal kings?) we firedd at them with guns an powers. (So the people shot bullets and bombs.) How did Presdent Snow get turrents it just didant make sins! (He's GLaDOS, of course.)
"I protally shud have explain to you befour Marrissa. (No, you should've explained Befive Marrisa.) The hole everthing thats happened was trap." (...and you sent the troops into it?) Ratman said he was also fightin with Wheatly an Gale. "Snow hiered those jerks Altas an P-Bod" (No fucking shit? It's not like they did much outside of reprogramming a train.) "HEY THATS MY SISTER YUR TALKIN BOUT!12" Peeta-Body angered "No shes not not after how Portal Labs chanjed her" "Ok". (Peeta had no bloody spine.) Ratman got back to explannin (Rattmann's job has just devolved to leaving exposition dumps...) "He hired them to steel all the taters so Marrissa an Wheatly an Chell Junor wood leaf so he cold steel all the Portal Labs tech then tried to kill u in the games but eh didant coutn on me an the resistin." (...wha? He had all the food be stolen from Portal labs sot hey could leave and steal the labs tech? The Capitol is at the height of technology, I don't think they NEED much more that Portal labs had.) We had the down lo so we allheaded furter into the capital.
A bunch of flammer trollz from Citrus United (Citrus united: The new orange juice producing company.) charged us so Wheatly an Gale did Expecto Petroleum a gain thyen I used my powers to blowback them into walls. (Very much overkill.) Sweary Guy jumped from Portal Labs (witch was shootin rockets an missles blowin up all the captals bildins) (Because they must make sure to destroy the whole city to get to one guy and extinguish every innocent life in the process.) firin his bazooker ever were to take out turrents but one shotted his bazooker an it blowed up killin all the turrents but taked Sweary Guy to so he said "F****** G**** BLOODY B***** ILL WANK U IN HELL!#!2" Then he died. (Well he had a lot of point. But i'm sure he'll spring up sooner or later, because this author really can't leave shit in the past.)
We keept mowin down falmer trollss wich was essey sins Sweary Guy taked out alls the turrents (So, the flamer trolls aren't even fighting back? Are they unarmed too? I wouldn't put it past this fic.) an soon we reeched Present Snows layer. (What, are they going through a giant cake base?) It was a huge castel but all hitech with more turrents (Ain't that original. Also, they have futuristic architechture, why not make it look futuristic instead of going to such a cliche'd location?) inside but I was tired of fightin (Bullshit.) so I liftated me Prim Wheatly Peeta-Body an Ratman an flew us to the top room (...oh, so by that you meant you were couldn't be bothered to write them infiltrating and fighting their way through.) were President Snow was accordion to my detective power. (Why have you only NOW decided to make use of that?) We crushed thru the windowed with a huge CRASHSLAMBAMBOMBBOOMWAMJAM (...ugh. The worse kind of onomatopoeia.) into it startlin President Snow sooooo bad he pooped himself. (Your humour disgusts me author.)
"MARRISSA ROBERTS BUT HOW?!" (The better question is, How not?) He excreamed drubblin blood on ever thing. (For no reason, simple because she read it in the book and thought it'd be cool to throw in.) "ATLAS! P-BODY! DEEL WITH HER FOR ONSE AN ALL!442" (Because they've been able to do that so well in the past.) He ranned of the change pants an gess who came out… ALTAS AN P-BYODY#!)!$(_) (These collections of random punctuation are getting more and more egregious...)
"Hey b***** we heer for final revenge!" (Yes, i'm sure that after 28 chapters of fails, these two will finally be able to defeat Marissa.) Atals drugged becos he was hi on drugs an beer (Really? Two characters who are known for drinking beer and taking drugs are high? What a fucking shock.) but Peeta-Body o-mouthed (GRRRUUHH.) "P-Body pleese rember me!" He shotted but P-Body lolled an shooted at him. (What a surprise. Nice to see this little plot point was added in so nothing could come of it.) "Dont even try Peeta-Body shes to far gone lick Ratman said." I angered at those jerks (Well at least she's stopped capitalising jerks all the time.) whod been mean to me for soooo long now (Just like you've been a general narcissistic bitch for sooooo long now.) I wood finally distroy them. (Oh they'll be back, the Tweedles are known for cheating death.) I charged up with a ton of litenin an furry an yelled "POWER OF! #" (Power of what?) An fired at them but…
Those jrks just lolled some more (Who knew they were immune to lightning.) an beganed to change into… robot WAREWOFLS!# (...maybe if it was another fic. Maybe if it was another fic.) "Predident Snow gaved us a upgrade!" P-Body dogged (More bullshit verbs... figured we'd squeeze some in before the end.) an they charged to attak. Prim unloaded a full clip ats them an Ratman used his diskoruage lazer gun (And presumeably the tweedles just stood there like that.) but Peeta-Body still cudant fite. Wheatly shot majic but ATLAS (Random capitalisation.) ranned to Gale necks to Peeta-Body but Peeta-Body didant do nothin (Bloody useless. He could at least be ok to fight Atlas.) so Atals hit Gale sooo hard he went thru him (...he went straight through Peeta? What?) so Gale an guts an blood wents all over. (And thus ends the wonderful arc of Gale... thank you, you were once so prominent and now you are useless.)
"PEETA-BODY U B***** YOU LETS GALE DIED!" I screemed (It's not like you did anything either.) an punched Peeta-Body sooo hard he flew of the room an hit a wall witha crash but he had a robot chests so he was okay jus stunned. (It's nice to see Marissa will happily kill her own allies if they displease her. BItch.) P-Body ranned to him to finish the kill an I almost lets her (Because you're a massive bitch.) but Prim said "No he mad a mistake but I still loves him an IM PRAGENENT!#31" (Oh god... PRIM IS 12! ARE YOU REALLY SAYING SHE'S PREGNANT AT THAT AGE?! YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH!) Peeta-Body o-mouthed (HHNNNGGH.) an shot his gun in P-Botdys head an she died with fallin onto atlas so we all shotted them to kill. (So bullets didn't work a second ago, and now they suddenly do?) "Good bloody riddanse to those soddin wankers." (...wow, she actually used the insult in the correct context for once.) Wheatly britished (And now it's ruined.) an we all nodded with heads in agree. There was jus one thin left to do… (Commit seppuku.) get President Snow an MAK. HIM. PAY!
I punched thru the wall to President Snows hidin place were he was hidin lick a coward (Just gotta make sure the villain looks completley pathetic to the audience.) "So u defeet those idots but yull never defeet me" He yelled sprawin blood full frontal at us. It was his seekrit attack. (What is this, Axe cop?) "You are the choosen one Marrissa (Bullshit, nothing chose her.) only u can defeet him" Ratman said (She also could've done this a good few chapters ago on her own and maybe not caused the death of so many innocent civillians.) so the others hung back for me to fase him one on on. (Because they've proved they are totally useless.) I charged at him with power ready for a punch to KILL (Stupid random capitalisation.) but Snow grabed my hand an twisted it. (Hah. I just got an image of one of those martial arts fights where someone catches the other person's fist and then throws them.)
"Imma more powerfell than you (Imma gonna weeen.) thot Marrissa Roberts." He said an electic sparks came from his arm to zap me an it hurt a little but not to bad (Marissa just shrugs off electrical sparks, of course.) so I pushed him back. "WHY DO U FLAMMERS AN TROLLS HAT ME SO MUCH YUR JUST JELOS OF MY GRATE STORYS RITE?!" (No we just hate you because you're completley dense and you have no idea what good literature is. Also, sick burn to all your haters there.) I screemed to Snow be he started lollin in a funny voice. (No specifics of course, we're just left to assume.) "You still dont get it do you Marrissa"
President Snow brabbed his face an tore an tore till it riped of (More wonderful imagery... i'm gonna guess this is robot blood?) with lots of bloody blood sprayin out but when the blood stopped I o-mouthed (I don't even care any more.) "Impossalbe! I screemed" an 'Presdent Snow' lolled with evil. "I told you I wood have my revenge you b*****1" (Oh wow, swears, truly this person is evil incarnate.) It was…. GLaDOS!#3131313 (Oh wow, what a fucking surprise... what IS a surprise is she's spelling the name correctly.) "After you sented me to space I builted a andord body (With what, the mountain of debris up your ass? And we saw her get ripped to death, so how'd she survive that?) that was President Snow to kill you an take over the world111111!" (Since when have GLaDOS' ambitions been world domination?) GLaDOS (And again...) ripped of the rest of the snow robot suit to show she was her old head but a robot body. "NOW PREPAIR TO DYE (I'll make your hair purple and it will look super tacky!) BECOS I BROT YUR OLD FREND NEROTOKSIN!#" The green farts (Yeah just remove any dignity from this situation at all.) was pumpin into the room an ever one but me an Wheatly died. Ratman died coffin (GEDDIT?! CUZ HE'S DEAD?!) an Prim an Peeta-Body were dead in a lovers embrase. (Fucking disgusting.)
"Ha I killed all yur frends LOL!" (It's so sad to see this snide and sadistic AI become a stupid child of a villain.) GLaDOS lolled but she made one misteak. I still had me portal gun (No you don't, you just pulled it out of your ass.) from all that time befour waitin for the rite moment rite now. (This is why I never mentioned it nor used it or even showed I still had it until right now.) I charged alla my powers into the portal gun so it glowed briter than anythin (Therefore you can't look at themthen fired it an shot a portal into GLaDOS an another portal also into GLaDOS so she started gettin sucked into herself. (...that makes no fucking sense.) GLaDOS had a WTF look on her feces (Even I would at this point, even if your shit fetish has reared its ugly head again.) an then she was sucked into the portals in herself so she imploated (That just doesn't make any sense. You can't shoot a portal inside of someone, they're too big.) (which is lick explodin but backwards) (We can look it up for ourselves author, we're not idiots.) an she died. I felled to my nees in exhauston an Wheatly comfarted (Now THAT really is Half Life full life consequences.) me. "We bloody did an killed that soddin git waner for ever Marrissa!44" (Oh don't worry, she'll be back for the next one... hopefully not.) Wheatly cheered but I wasant happy becos ever one else had dead. (Since when has Marissa cared about the death of others? I thought she'd just laugh and get over it.)
"All are frends are dead an killed! " I cried (Which Wheatley of course failed to notice, is Marissa just condescending to everyone?) so Wheatly got a brave face an stooded up with strong. He startod to cast a powerful spell (Which has never existed except for the sake of fucking convienience.) with lotsa enerjy an sparks like my powers but even strongerer an said "I LOVE YOU MARRISSA!#" (What a stupid name for a spell.) an there was a huge flash an Wheatly explosded. The magic went ever where an Gale an Prim an Peeta-Body an Ratman an Sweary Guy an Skepness Man all camed back to alive (No spell in the Harry Potter universe has the power to ressurect the dead. So that magic must've been Marissa's doing.) an all the other good guys who ever died like Teen Fortres 2 an Gabe Jonson an even Carline befour she was GLaDOS (Oh bullshit. This is just way too sappy...) an Vaas from Far Cry 3 losed all his money an street cred (Because of Wheatley's random spell?) becos noone wanted to sex with a dirty poogirl lick Katniss so she had a happy end to! ! (No, she didn't. You still turned her into shit spewing joke and she has remained that way right to the very end, so fuck you.)
"Caroline my dotter!" A guy ranned up an huged Carlion it was… BISSNESS MAN!?222 (Oh good, more unnecersary twists.) We all o-mouthed (Nope... still don't care.) that Caroline was his dotter. "Dad I missed you an Gabe Im sooo glad (hehe) (What's the joke? I don't get it...) im free of being GLaDOS!#" (So in the end, all main characters are fine and absolved and all the stupid added flamer characters are dead. Fucking weaksauce...) Gabe runned to Caroloin an they started makin out (Get a room.) an so did Prim an Peeta-Bdoy (Get another room.) an Scot an Pyro (Get a whole other house.) an Heavy an his Sasa (his gun) (GET AN ENTIRE TOWN!) an Sniper ugged Katty Smithereens (Why? What's the link between them? Probably something in Teen Fortress I missed out on... and no, i'm not reading that one.) an Bissness Man huged his sun Skepness Man and wood raise him to be a cool dude (God, reading this fic is giving me diabetes.) an not a falmer an ever one was happy and the magic also teleportaled (Even more Full life consequences...) Chell Junor to here to. (For no goddamn reason.) "Mama!" I huged her titer than ever becos she was all I had leaft of Wheatly an his brave sakrifase. (His sacrifice that made no sense and, knowing this fic, won't last long.)
"Im sorry Marrissa. Wheatly an me were best blokes befoure wen he was Harry (Oh yeah, we need to be reminded of that plot point don't we? So, in the end, the reason Wheatley was Harry in the past was simply to give us this point where Wheatley could save the day with one random spell. Did he really need to be Harry for that? Couldn't Marissa have just given him the ability?) I no it must be hard." Gale said pattin me on the back. Teers went into my eyes an Chell Junor cried to becos she wondered were her dad was (I think we can assume why she's crying author, we're not idiots like you think we are.) becos they had done lots of bondin sins I was gone in the games. (Bonding the author couldn't be bothered to show to make us actually CARE about it.) "Ill never forget you Wheatly my ture love." (Oh don't worry, he'll be back before the chapter's done...)
Then a time portal opened an J an K steped out with Abram Lincon. (Oh good, we need to round up this fic by bringing up those characters who appeared in one chapter to bring in other characters who did nothing for the story either.) "I herd this place is in need of a Piesedent." He politiced. (Ugh... the verbs... make it stop...) "But yur present in the past?" Frenched (Stop. Please...) Spy. "I pretended to be assinated (Oh good, now she's spitting on President Lincoln's assassination, just to make sure she rounds everything up.) so I cold go to the future an be Pres here (...wow. So Abe Lincoln faked his death to go to the future to be president of some random place he knows nothing about with future technology he can't possible understand... smart move author, now this fic makes even less sense.) so its all good!" Abraman esplained. We all cheered (Yaaaaay random things.) an Teen Fortress 2 went bak thru the time mashine to so they cold take there midterms at Halflife College. (Wow, since when did being out of your time line actually matter? I mean Wheatley's still out of his own time line and causing a paradox, even if he is dead.)
THREE MOUTHS LATER (What do three mouths have to do with time movement?)
Lots had changed sins the final kill of GLaDOS an Critics Uniter (Bad fanfiction runs rampant and rules all, any who dare call Marissa a flat character or her story shallow are rounded up and shot by a firing squad.) an Presdent Abram Lincon was doin a good job rebildin things. (Despite not being from this time.) There was no more Hunger Games expect for ones that only the falmer trollz were in an instead of bein onse a year they were all the time so all the flammers wood die quick. (...that's even worse than my firing squad joke. Anyone who dares dislike Marissa's work is forced to kill others, and it happens so often she must be axing half the population.) Haymitch an Wip Whittaker opaned a AA place to help other druggy jerks became good guys (...I actually kind of like that idea. Shame they're both such useless characters anyway... seriously, what did either of them do? Train them to do things they could easily do anyway?) an Prim an Peeta-Body were gettin merried. (Peeta was soon arrested for his numerous pedophillic crimes.) Sweary Guy was vice presdent. (Again, give of the bad guys a position of power. Genius.) Ratman still had the flyin Portal Labs an it was Presdent Lincons speseal police force lik the Deth Star that people want Obama to bild. (...I don't know which part of that sentence to call politically incorrect first.)
I was carryin Chell Junor in one arm an nothin in my other arm (Good thing you told us that or we'd NEVER have figured it out.) as I walked to the place were Portal Labs used to be. (Surely that must be a giant hole now.) There was a toomstone there (A tombstone just hovering in mid air?) that sad "Wheatly: Roboball FatHer an Lovin Hubbsand. (You forgot "Useless housewife, Marissa's bitch" etc.) RPI"Me an Chell Junor both cried but sum shadows came a made it dark so we looked up an o-mouthed. (Truly it wouldn't be the end without one more rendition of that stupid face...) It was… .RUGGED RALF AN FIXIN FEELIX!131344 (And fitting to just add in more random characters for the sake of it...)
"OMG HOW I THOT U GUYS WAS PRETEND CARTOONS?!" (They are. Until you made them real. For no reason.) I yelled in shok. "Some wished us here!" (Really? Who?) Wreker Ralp said an Feeloks taked his hummer out. (Guess we'll never find out.) "I herd somboddy needed a fixin well I CAN FIX IT!3" An he dugged up Wheatly body an hammered it (Wheatley's also biological since he has Harry's brain so this shouldn't work... but it's this fucking fic so of course it does.) an then…. "Marrissa?" "WHEATLY!#!13!" I screamed sooo lowd (It popped all our ears.) an rand an huged him "I thot I loosed you forever!" (No, of course not. Someone Marissa likes dying in this fic? Never.)
"Oh dear god save the queen I thot I was boner there." (I did too.) Wheatly happied (One more stupid verb to round us off...) an then Chell Junor said "Dada!" An he wall huged an had the happiest endin ever. (No, the happiest ending ever is that Marissa dies and the laws of canon come back into line and peace is restored properly.)
THE END (I thought I would never see it through...)
WELL HOWS THAT FUR A FINAL GUYS (It was so bad I will most likely have gotten irritable bowel syndrome.) I BET EVEN THE FLAMMERS CANT HATES IT!3 (Flamers hate on everything. And don't worry, people like me will always be around to bring you down you sick fuck.) ASLO WATCH OUT SKEPKOTTY I GOTTA PLAN FOR U AN YUR HALF WOLD BLOOG. (Marissa has yet to follow up on this threat.) WELL GUESS WAT, 2 HALFS MAKE A WHALE SO WATCH OUT!#31 (Two halves of a whale do indeed make a whale.)
BI GUYS13! (And good fucking bye to you too.)
(Good GOD am I glad this is over. Week after week of torment just doesn't feel like it's worth it sometimes... now, it's time to summarise. First major question, is this sequel worse than Its my life? Yes, yes it is. While Its my life mostly meandered around and did stupid shit, it at least tried to be its own fanfic and didn't completley rip off the story of portal. This fic, does. Aside from crossing it over with films, TV, video games and goddamn internet personalities, it doesn't have a single original thought in its head. Next, Its my life only focused on the universes of Portal and Team Fortress 2, something that was quite limited in its characters and since most of them didn't exactly have a personality to being with, of course with exceptions, it was more acceptable. The Marissa games steamrolls over the entire Hunger Games series and leaves it bone dry after picking its carcass clean, and making sure its destroyed everything about the original, whilst using its skeleton to perform its scenes again, quite morbidly. And of course, there's the usual mistakes, horrible spelling and grammar, characters that are introduced only to be killed off, the dreadful narcicissim and maniacal killing tendencies of our protagonist, real life writing the plot, getting things wrong, obvious jokes being pointed out, melding verbs together, not doing your bloody research and above all, just being all out awful.
Fuck this fanfic, fuck the author, fuck Marissa and fuck anything to be asssociated with it.
So, I can't wait for the sequel in which Marissa's child will be all grown up and surpass her mother and be just as hot, powerful and godlike, and have to fight her way through the Harry Potter franchise to defeat GLaDOS again who has secretly been Voldemort all along because this author can't get away from the past. And i'm sure Atlas and P-Body will turn out to be Crab and Goyle and that everyone in Hogwarts will be killed by Marissa because she wants to test out her new chainsaw hands powers. Because I wouldn't expect anything less from this waste of flesh of an author.
Finally, i'd like to extend a thanks to everyone who's read this commentary, sent me notes and written me reviews. You guys are what kept me going during all of this, and I thank all of you. And as one final note, should this author decide to continue writing, you know i'll be there to comment on it. But I still hope not. Au revoir, mes enfantes.)
