Chapter 28
My heart is beating fast. I try to calm myself down by drinking my coffee. Matthew and I are sitting at the dining table, which isn't a thing to get all excited over. No, the reason why my heart is beating so fast is not that. It's because Matthew keeps staring at me with these… I don't know… pleased eyes? I can't tell. I see mixed feelings in his eyes. That and it makes me feel really nervous and uncomfortable. I can't handle it any more.
"Spit it out Matthew," I say.
Matthew stops sipping on his still too hot tea and gives me a confused look.
"Spit what out?" he asks.
"I know that something is bothering you, so just tell me already," I say.
Matthew puts his teacup on the table and smiles at me.
"I was just thinking, that whatever happens, I will always be there for you," he says.
I can feel how a light blush forms itself on my cheeks. I get touched by how sincere his words sounded.
"Matthew… I…" I say, but Matthew stops me from saying more by pushing one finger on my lips.
"It speaks for itself. Blood is thicker than water after all," Matthew says.
Gently I push his finger of my lips. Blood is thicker than water? Well, yes but…
"What do you mean by that?" I ask.
Matthew lifts one eyebrow.
"You don't know what that phrase means?" he asks.
I feel a bit ashamed because I really don't know it.
"It means that family bonds are closer than those of outsiders" Matthew explains.
"And by that I mean," he says while grabbing my hands. "That even if you can't tell me what is going on in your head, even if you vanish one day, even if you betray me, I will always love you."
I want to cry. Not because of sadness, I want to cry because of happiness. Thank God I have such a cheerful, nice, smart, and lovely brother. I don't deserve his love. He works so hard to earn enough money for us both to live. He always comforts me when I feel sad. And what did I do for him? Nothing, nothing at all. I only hurt him. Hurt him in so many ways, and I'm still hurting him today. I feel even more ashamed of myself by suggesting Matthew killed Arthur. Matthew can't have killed Arthur. My beloved brother could have never done such a thing. Matthew sees how emotional I got by his words. He lets my hands go and rises up. He walks around the table and hugs me. His embrace feel so warm, so safe. A smell finds his way to my nose. It's a nice smell, a sweet smell, Matthew's smell. It's a combination of the smell of the shampoo he uses and the smell of the vanilla tea with honey he just drunk. But what would I expect? As far as I can remember he always smelled nice. I remember when we were both kids. I wanted to show myself to the world. I liked to scream and run. Nothing was dangerous enough for me. And the things the elders said I wasn't allowed to do, I had to do as soon as possible. I was always dirty and covered with bruises. Most of the elders named me 'The little rebel'. I was proud of that name. I saw it as a triumph, because I was the only one who was given a name like that. Matthew was the complete opposite of me. He didn't want to have many eyes looking at him. He was always silent and could sit perfectly still. He avoided danger, and read some books or drew something instead of searching for danger. He didn't dare to do something he may could get punishment for. He followed all the rules and was always clean which a perfect skin. They called him 'The little Angel'. I remember how Matthew always had a cute blush on his cheeks when someone called him that. Back then I was a bit jealous. I was supposed to be the only one with a nick name, so I started teasing him. I kept repeating that being called an Angel is girly. One day I went too far and made Matthew cry because of my teasing. I always hurt him, I always did. I wake up from my memories when his nice smell vanishes. He let me go and now he's staring in my eyes again.
"Always remember that I love you, okay?" he says.
I rise up and hug him. He seems a bit surprised by my sudden action but he hugs me back without hesitating. I smell his nice smell again.
"I love you too," I say.
Suddenly I remember all kinds of memories with Matthew. The first time we met. Both our parents died so we got in a foster family. Our foster parents were almost never at home, so it was always Matthew and me. The first time I got a love letter from a girl. With bated breath we opened it together. It was a beautiful letter, but sadly I couldn't except her love. I didn't love her back. The first time we travelled together abroad. We went to Canada because Matthew was born there. It was so nice there. Matthew and I had so much fun. And these are only a few memories. I remember much more.
Matthew is so important to me. He is the best brother in the world. Our bond is so strong that even something as complicated as Arthur's death can't break it. Maybe we're not biological brothers, but he really is my brother. And then I remember something I don't want to remember. The first kiss. I let Matthew go but he doesn't let go of me.
"I love you," he says while giving me a kiss on my forehead.
If my face could turn more red it would have done that, but it can't. Matthew notes that I feel uncomfortable and lets me go.
"Remember that always," he says.
"I will," I say while smiling.
Suddenly the doorbell rings.
"I'm coming," Matthew says while walking towards the door.
Now that the warmth of my brother is gone I can feel how someone is staring at my back. I turn around and see Arthur. A really angry Arthur. His pose, his face, his eyes, everything about him tells me he is really jealous. And when I mean really jealous, I mean really jealous. When I look at him he refuses to look into my eyes. I want to ask what is wrong but remind myself we're in the same room as Matthew, and that Matthew will find it weird if I start talking to the wall. I hear how Matthew opens the door and after that I hear Matthew gasp. Immediately I turn around, by hearing him gasp like that I thought there would be something wrong, but when I see who's at the door I know it was false alarm. Or wasn't it? Francis is standing in the doorway. He has a big bouquet of roses with him. He gives them to Matthew.
"For you, mon amour," he says.
I can see at Matthew how surprised he is.
"For me? Really?" he asks.
"Oui. Zey are all for you," Francis says.
Matthew gets the smile on his face I admire so much. It's the most beautiful smile he can smile, the most happiest, and from day one I claimed it as mine. There was no one else who could make Matthew smile like that, only me. Somehow it hurts seeing that Matthew is smiling that smile now for someone else. I should be glad for Matthew. He never was in love before, and he is really lucky that Francis loves him back, but… somehow I feel like I lost Matthew. And that I lost him to Francis makes me even angrier.
Francis goes with his face to Matthew's. Gently Francis pushes Matthew's head closer with his hand. It's like my heart is standing still. I know what's coming. I don't want to see it, but at the same time I can't look away. When their lips almost touch each other Matthew turns his head away. I'm surprised, I didn't see that coming. I know why Matthew didn't want to kiss Francis on the moment he looks into my eyes. He must be ashamed, ashamed to kiss Francis when I'm around. Francis follows Matthew and looks in my direction. When he sees me his soft expression turns into a really hard one. I just screwed up their almost first kiss. Suddenly I feel a bit glad I took Matthew's first kiss. Now I will be sure that Francis can't take it from him anymore.
"Bonjour," Francis says.
I don't feel like talking to Francis at all. There are still some red marks on my body, and even if they were gone by now, I would still remember who gave them to me. I smile a fake smile.
"Au revoir," I say.
I want to turn around and go to my room but Francis' voice stops me.
"I want to talk to you," he says.
I look at him. He doesn't look angry anymore, just really serious. Matthew has stopped blushing, he's just really concerned now.
"I don't really feel like talking," I say.
"It will only take five minutes. Please," Francis says while coming in.
Matthew follows Francis as if he's Francis' shadow. I look at Matthew's concerned face. I sigh.
"Okay, but only five minutes," I say.
Francis seems glad I'll listen to him.
"I want to talk in private. I'll be back in a few minutes," Francis says to Matthew.
Matthew nods. I start walking, feeling how different emotions are coming up. When I turn around I see that Arthur's expression is the same as Matthew's. His jealousy fade away to take place for concern. When Francis and I are in my room I close the door.
"So, what did you want to talk about?" I get to the point.
I see how Francis is trying to give himself a pose, but that's really hard when you have nothing to lean against. Something I experienced myself.
"Look, I don't know what 'appened at my shop. Ze only zing I know is zat Matzew must never hear about it," he says.
He waits for me to say something, but I don't say a word. I feel how uncomfortable he is feeling.
"Please. I love Matzew so much. I don't want to lose him," Francis says with a bit trembling voice.
I don't want to believe him. I know Francis isn't a normal man. Danger surrounds him. But I do believe him. His words… it's like he really means it. I sigh again.
"Okay, I won't tell Matthew," I say.
Francis' face turns a bit happier. "Zank you so much."
"Yeah, whatever," I spit out.
I want to walk away but suddenly Francis pushes me with force against the wall.
"Ow! What's your probl-" I lost my voice as I look in his eyes.
His eyes… they've turned purple again. With his face him comes closer to my ear and then I hear the voice. The voice of my nightmares. The voice that makes me feel as if I'm an ant, an ant who is going to be downtrodden.
"Missed me?"
