Chapter 29

"Never Ever"


When Mello woke up that morning, it took him a moment to remember where he was. Then he felt someone's arm around him, and turned on his other side to see Matt sound asleep beside him.

Mello didn't move from the bed for a while, savoring the warmth of Matt's body against his. It had been a long time since he'd been able to relax freely around the other boy. He closed his eyes, comforted by Matt's soft breathing. Gently, he leaned forward and placed his lips against the other boy's forehead. He didn't want to leave – all he wanted was to stay like this forever.

A few moments later, Matt opened his eyes, blinking a few times before smiling at the other boy.

"Morning sleepyhead," Mello said, kissing him again.

"Morning," Matt yawned, tightening his arms around Mello. "What time is it?"

"I don't know. Probably around eight."

"Last night was wonderful," Matt said.

"Yeah – it was." Mello took Matt's hand in his own, lacing their fingers together. "I've missed you so much, Matt."

"I've missed you, too, Mello. I missed holding you in my arms."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Let's just forget about it, okay?" Matt said softly.

Before Mello could reply, they both heard a knock on the door.

"Come in," Mello replied, sitting up to face the doorway.

The door opened, and Kaori walked in, her face flushing a little as she saw them. "Mello, I need to talk to you for a minute."

"Um, alright. I'll be there in a minute."

"Alright." she turned and walked out of the door, closing it behind her.

"I'll be a minute, alright?" Mello told Matt, reaching down on the floor for his clothes.

Once dressed, he went out in the living room, where Kaori was sitting on the couch waiting. "What is it?" he asked.

"Sit down," she said softly.

Wordlessly, Mello sat down beside her and waited for the answer. Then he saw papers in her hands. "What's that?" he asked.

"Mello...your father called last night."

"He did?"

"Yes...and, he sent this." She handed him the papers.

"He's cancelled all credit cards," she explained as he read the papers. "All checking accounts. In other words..."

"I'm disowned," Mello finished.

"...yes. But he also sent this." She handed him the envelope.

Mello opened it, and his eyes widened. "How much is this?" he asked.

"The rest of the money that was in your savings account. Naturally, you need something to live on."

"I'm surprised he cared enough to actually bother," Mello said, setting the envelope and paper on the table.

"You're his son. He cares about what happens to you, even if he doesn't accept your lifestyle. He wanted to make sure you were alright, otherwise he wouldn't have called."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Where are you planning to go?" Kaori asked.

"I don't know. I have no idea." Mello shook his head.

"I can help, if you need me to."

"It's alright. We'll figure it out."

"Alright. Just call me if you need anything."

"I will."

"Do you regret leaving?" she asked.

"No, I don't really. I love Matt, and if I have to leave home to be with him, then I'll do it. He's my first priority. I know I may not have acted like it sometimes, but it's always been true."

"I know that. I'm sure your father will come around sooner or later."

"If there's one trait I get from my father, it's his stubborness. He's not likely to change his opinion of the matter."

"Even so, you're his son and he loves you."

"Really? You think a father always loves his child?" Mello asked softly.

Kaori could feel her heart skip a beat. It was obvious where he was hinting; Matt had apparently told him. "Sometimes..." she began carefully, wringing her hands in her lap, "parents make mistakes. BIG mistakes. But I believe that all parents love their children, deep down – even if they don't always show it."

Mello shrugged. "Maybe you're right." He sighed and took the papers and envelope. "I'll go put these up."

He walked back to the guest room, the papers under his arm.

"What was that about?" Matt asked curiously as Mello entered the room.

"Just discussing my disownment," Mello sighed.

"What? Is it written down on paper now?"

"Might as well be. But we have about $18,470 in that envelope."

"Holy shit!" Matt cried. "Are you serious!?"

"Yes. He took everything out of my savings account before he froze everything."

"Well...that's good, at least."

"Yeah, but we'll still need to find a place to stay."

"I'm sorry," Matt said again. "I'm causing so much trouble for you. It's my fault you're in the mess."

"Hey..." Mello walked over and sat beside him, gently taking his hand. "Stop saying that. It isn't your fault."

"You're just saying that."

"What? Do you wish you'd never kissed me that first night?" Mello asked.

"No, of course not!" Matt cried, his eyes widening. "I just...wish it didn't have to be so difficult."

"Matt, nothing in life is easy. But as long as we're together, everything will be fine."

"You really think so?"

"Of course." Mello leaned forward and gently kissed the other boy.

"Mello...why do you think we ended up together?"

"I don't know. Some things are fate, I guess. Or karma."

"But if I had never kissed you...do you think we'd be here now?"

Mello was silent a minute, contemplating the answer. "I don't know," he said at last. "But I think I'd be very sorry if you hadn't."

Matt smiled a little. "I would be, too."

"I love you, Matt. That's all that matters."


"Have you been having any more nightmares?" Mello asked Matt later that night, as they both rested under the covers of the bed in the guest room.

"No. I mean, I've dreamt about it sometimes, but nothing like before," Matt replied.

"I'm glad. I worried about you."

"That's not necessary. I can take care of myself." Matt gave a small smile.

"I know that."

"I've always relied on you. I think I needed to learn how to take care of myself. It was good for me."

Mello was silent for a minute. "Matt...can I ask you something?" he said at last.

"Sure what is it?"

Mello reached over and touched the other boy's face, a troubled expression fleeting across his face as he contemplated the thoughts that has been bothering him for so long. "When we were at the orphanage...all those times that I --- how badly did it hurt?" he said softly.

"...emotionally, or physically?"

"....physically," Mello replied quietly.

Matt was silent for a while. "...why do you want to know?"

"Just tell me, okay?" Mello said, his voice shaking slightly.

Still, Matt hesitated. "....really bad," he said softly. "It always hurt."

Mello could feel tears fill his eyes, and a small sob escaped his throat.

"Mello..." Matt reached for his hand. "It's alright..."

"No, it's not alright!" Mello cried, his voice a little high-pitched as he sat up in the bed.

As Matt put a comforting hand on his shoulder, Mello turned to look back at him, tears streaking down his face. "Matt, the last thing I'd want to do is hurt you that much." He started to sob.

"Mello..." Matt took the other boy in his arms. "It's okay..."

"No, it isn't!" Mello sobbed. "Gods...." His shoulders shook as he buried his face in Matt's shirt. "Wh-when we first did it – it hurt, Matt. It r-really hurt, even when you were c-careful. So I can't even imagine how – much it must have hurt for you all those times..... I-I never even worried about hurting you. You were always careful with me, and I... How could I even have been so awful to you?"

"Mello...it's alright. It's in the past. I don't care about any of it."

"You should hate me, Matt. You should really hate me."

"Mello, I could never hate you." He gently stroked Mello's soft blond hair. "I don't care about any of that. You remember how everything was back then."

"It wasn't that long ago," Mello said, wiping his eyes. "You only let me treat you that way because you wanted to be with me. I knew that – I knew it hurt you, and I should have been considerate of that. I'm so sorry."

"Mello, stop crying," Matt said, his voice shaking a little as he tried to be firm. "I hate it when you cry. You know I hate it when you cry."

Mello stifled another sob and attempted to stop.

"You have to stop beating yourself up over this," Matt said, brushing hair away from Mello's face. "It's over."

"I know, I just...."

"How many times do I have to say I forgive you before you believe me?" Matt asked.

"It doesn't matter if you forgive me, because I can't forgive myself," Mello said, still crying. "I can never justify what I did, and you shouldn't either."

"Mello – I know that you're sorry. I know you regret everything, and I understand."

"Matt..."

"That fact that you're upset about this means you must really care about me."

"I do!" Mello said.

"And I know that – I know that you do, and that's enough. I hate seeing you upset like this, especially over me."

"But you know...... Even though we went through hell at the orphanage, I still kind of want to go back. It felt like home, in an odd sort of way. And even though we went through hell, it was still just like being kids. It was nice – in a way."

"Yeah, it was. But it's in the past."

"I never wanted to grow up, you know. Leaving the orphanage made me feel like a whole part of my life had already passed. I had to fend for myself again. I guess that's why I was so reluctant to tell my father about us and leave home. I was content with being looked after all my life. I was being selfish – I'm sorry."

"I understand. I've always relied on you to take care of me, so it was difficult for me as well."

"I relied on you, too, Matt. Ever since we were kids, I've looked to you anytime I felt alone. You didn't know it but...I've always, always relied on you."

"I think we both need each other," Matt said with a small smile.

"We're both pathetic, aren't we?"

"If being pathetic means we can be together every night, I don't think it really matters." Matt smiled and leaned forward, pressing his lips against Mello's.

"Our love for each other seemed so much more innocent when we were kids."

"Maybe so. But that doesn't mean we love each other any less now." Matt kissed him again, softly, and pulled Mello into his lap. "No matter how much we change, that's one thing that will never stop being true."


-End of Chapter 29-


Mello is still tormented by the way he treated Matt at the orphanage; he just feels like it's something he shouldn't be forgiven for, and he regrets it every day. We all have something in the past we regret and can't quite forgive ourselves for, no? Mello has a really hard time accepting that Matt actually forgives him for it. He feels extremely guilty about it... kind of like when your puppy dies and you tell yourself over and over, "If only I hadn't fed him chocolate!" Ahaha.