A Selfless Kind of Love
Part 29
Ten minutes later he was still sitting there, trying to decide what he should do. Did he leave things as they were? Because nothing had changed, he still had this fear of losing Craig, of him dying; and now he knew why it was so intense. But then Paddy was right, by dumping him he wouldn't be in his life anyway, he wouldn't see him again, talk to him again, he wouldn't feel his arms around him, his lips on his. He wouldn't again know that safe, cared for, wanted feeling that enveloped him whenever he was with Craig. And Paddy had been right about something else, that loss was already hurting, badly.
"Out!" Paddy ordered in exasperation. Aaron sitting silently staring at his hands was getting them nowhere, certainly no closer to him getting back together with Craig.
"What?"
Ignoring the younger man's startled look he leant across him and threw his door open, "I said out!"
"Paddy?"
"It's getting late, I'm not driving all that way home now, so while you're in there putting things right with Craig I'm going to book us into that place Andy's staying in. Ring me when you're ready, I'll come back for you."
"But ..."
"Out...now!"
He found himself standing in the drizzling rain, watching the lights on Paddy's car until they disappeared around a corner. Only then did he turn around and look at the hospital.
'While you're in there putting things right with Craig'... the older man had made it sound so easy. But he knew it wasn't going be.
He wasn't ready to do this, he didn't know how to do this, he wasn't even sure Craig would want him to do this; after all he'd made it clear he wouldn't take him back. He'd have to be mad to!
/
He was standing by the window, looking out into the night, into a very wet night and wondering if it was raining at home? Probably. He wished he was there now, in his flat, where he could mope around to his heart's content. He couldn't do that so easily here. The nurses kept popping in and out, checking on him, bringing him cups of tea, medication. He might have enjoyed all the attention another time but not now, right now he just wanted to be left alone.
He hoped the painkillers the Night Sister had just given him would ease his headache, take the edge off it at least, it was going to keep him awake otherwise, and he desperately wanted to sleep, he wouldn't think about Aaron if he did.
When the door had opened yet again he'd expected to see one of the nurses, he had a smile on his face ready for her. Their job was hard enough without having to look at his miserable mush, and he was miserable, he'd never been more miserable in his life. The smile had disappeared on seeing Aaron.
Once again he was taken aback; he'd thought him long gone. He could tell Aaron didn't know what to make of his reaction; he was just standing there looking at him questioningly. He stared right back, waiting for him to speak, to make the first move.
"Do you want me to go?"
Did he? His head said yes but his traitorous heart said no...his heart was always getting him into trouble so he'd intended saying 'yes and don't come back' but that's not what had come out of his mouth. "I thought you'd gone," had slipped out instead. He knew he'd sounded more hostile than friendly but he couldn't help it, he was hurting, Aaron had hurt him badly. He'd never believed he could or would.
"I got as far as the car."
"Wouldn't it start?" He could see Aaron wasn't sure what to make of that remark, that he didn't know if it was meant jokingly or sarcastically, he wasn't sure either.
"Craig..."
"What? What is it you want?" He could see Aaron was struggling, he knew the younger man had a hard time expressing himself and that he wasn't making it any easier for him now, well why should he?
"To talk."
"That'll be a first, you wanting to talk." He'd snapped that out, he knew Aaron wouldn't mistake that for anything other than sarcasm.
"So you meant what you said?"
"What do you think?" Aaron was looking at him now like he didn't know him. Well he didn't know this side of him; his defensive side, the 'you hurt me and I'm not going to let you hurt me again' side. It wasn't pretty and he didn't like it, but it was the only way he knew how to protect himself. Richie had seen it that night he'd found out he'd been sleeping with someone else. Steve when he'd suddenly turned violent towards him. He'd not given them a second chance. He'd closed himself off, turned cold, hard. It was all an act because he was neither of those things, he didn't want to think he was anyway.
"I don't know, the way you're being with me now then yes."
"The way I'm being with you! You're the one who ended it."
"I know, but like you said I wasn't thinking straight."
"But you are now?"
"Yeah."
"And?"
"I realised something."
"What?"
"That I..."
"That you what?" He asked impatiently, what was Aaron trying to say?
"Why are you making this so hard for me?"
"Because it's hard for me! Right now it's hard just to look at you, to be in the same room as you, knowing you'll never..."
"Never what?"
He could only shake his head; Aaron had no idea what he was talking about. Did he never wonder how he felt about him? Did he really not know how much he cared about him, how much he loved him. Well if he didn't know now he never would because he had no intentions of ever telling him.
"I'm sorry for hurting you."
"I know." He heard himself acknowledge. The sincerity in the younger man's voice had somehow reached behind the wall he had erected around himself and had tugged at his heart, his oh so very tender wounded heart.
It seemed that show of weakness had given Aaron the green light because he was striding over to him now to stand just inches away from him. So close he could feel his body heat and see into his eyes, and what he could now see shining in their blue depths was making him want to reach out and pull him into his arms. The urge to hold him was suddenly overwhelming. But he couldn't, wouldn't... because he had to be seeing something that wasn't really there!
TBC
