A/N: I don't have a lot to say this time. Which is probably good because I can get quite verbose. Sorry.
Today's chapter deals with a couple subjects that are pretty serious, one being kind of controversial. I did the best I could with it, but I don't want anyone thinking I'm preaching in any way. That's not intended at all.
Anyway, I just wanted to warn you now in case it is a serious problem for anyone. I highly doubt it is, but still I'd rather be cautious about it. This story has been dealing with some serious issues since the first chapter, and I've done the best I can to treat all of it with the respect and care it deserves. I've also done my best to make it more true to life than come across as some cheap fanfiction fetish or lack of realism. There's still plenty more topics that will be brought up in the coming chapters, and sooner rather than later.
Oh, and a little teaser. In just a few more chapters, the group might be expanding by one more. I am really looking forward to it.
Also, a few characters that have mostly just been side characters up to this point will be getting the spotlight more often than they have been. I've listened to the feedback on that as well. I've got plenty of PMs from people asking for more Kristoff and Anna time, as well as Rose time. Well, your voices and prayers have been heard. It won't be this chapter, but starting with the next chapter they are going to take center stage for a short bit. I'll be working more of their stories into the chapters from here on out. I promise.
Shit. Looks like I lied. I had more to say than I thought. Anyway, read on and enjoy!
Chapter 29
Admission of Guilt
The movie ended up being rather enjoyable for them, even though neither really knew anything about the Warcraft lore. They still hadn't tried out World of Warcraft like the group had decided they would, so they weren't sure how things tied in with the movie, if they did at all. They had shared a drink during the movie, along with a box of chocolate covered mints. It was chocolate, so Elsa was immediately a fan.
On the way home, Elsa was dreading what she had sworn to herself she'd have to follow through with. There were parts of her that she had never shared with him, even though she had made the promise to Micah that she would never keep any secrets from him again. That was her promise to him. But that very promise had already been broken, and she was disappointed with herself, even more so than Micah was. Even though she was afraid, it was something that had to be rectified.
As soon as they got home, Elsa led him upstairs to the kitchen and started rummaging through the pantry and cabinets. She was looking for something, anything, to make for dinner. Something good to soften the mood he was in. She knew her cooking always made him happy, so she was praying that it would do the trick this time as well.
Eventually, she settled on homemade spaghetti and meat sauce. So, she quickly set to work concocting the sauce from the tomato sauce and spices she had available. While she was busy getting things together, she decided she would convince Micah to help so he could learn how to cook. At first he was pretty apprehensive, but she urged him to try and just do as she instructed. Elsa was as patient as a saint with him, and tried to make it a little fun for them both. Whether or not she succeeded, she had no idea.
Soon enough, dinner was done. There was enough for them to have seconds, or even thirds if they really wanted. Anna wasn't home, and Elsa's mother rarely ate dinner with them anymore, so there was plenty of food to be had. Once they were full, they stored away the rest of the food in containers and tossed them in the fridge before doing the dishes. With the both of them doing everything, it went by much quicker. Micah wasn't a hindrance at all like he thought he would be. When they were all done, Elsa gave him a quick peck on the cheek before leading him down the hall to her bedroom.
Closing the door behind her, Elsa pulled her computer chair towards the middle of her room and sat down. Her hands were folded in her lap, and she was biting her bottom lip out of nervousness. Micah was sitting on her bed, looking at her expectantly, but not sure what was going on.
"Elsa, what is this?" he asked in confusion.
"I, um, owe you an explanation," she replied quietly.
"What do you mean? An explanation for what?"
"Earlier you reminded me that I had promised to not keep anything secret from you anymore. Well, I've decided that you're right and that it's time I come clean."
"Oh. Look, I'm sorry I got upset about it. If you need more time to become comfortable enough to tell me, then take all the time you need," Micah said.
"No, I need to do this. If I don't, I may never do it. But I want you to know how scared I am. I'm not proud of anything I'm about to tell you," Elsa admitted.
"I know you are. But you don't have to be afraid with me, okay? And no matter what it is, I won't judge. I promise."
Elsa took several deep breaths, and not a single one helped. Her chest felt tight, and her heart was racing. She refused to look him in the eyes, believing he could see her thoughts if given half a chance.
"Okay...Um, I don't really know how to start this. So, I'll just be as blunt as I can I guess. I, uh, have this problem that I haven't told anyone about. Not even Dr. Cohen. I've been trying to suppress these thoughts as much as I can, but it's been really, really hard. Um... Oh God, I can't do this."
"Elsa, just take your time, okay? But I have to ask, what thoughts are you having?"
"Okay, I can do this," she said, trying to psych herself up. "See, these thoughts are really dangerous, and I don't know why I have them. But I suppose this isn't helping at all."
"Not really. I don't know what you're trying to say right now," Micah admitted.
"Well, what I'm trying to say is that a very small part of me sort of misses the abuse. I have no idea why, and it scares me. But it's like having this tiny voice in my head telling me I still deserve it and that I need it, and that no matter what I say or do that it will never change. It scares me because, well, the voice is getting louder."
Micah was quiet for several seconds as he processed what she had just said. It didn't make any sense to him, and he had no real idea what to say. What she said seemed ridiculous.
"Okay, wait. Let me get this straight. A part of you misses being abused? Like what? Being hit and stuff?" Micah asked.
"...That's part of it," Elsa mumbled.
"That's only part of it? What does that mean? You miss being molested too?"
"I don't know!" she cried. "I can't figure out the thoughts in my head! And it's not so much I want it as it is that I feel like I deserve it."
"Holy shit. Elsa, this is serious. Very, very serious. I've got no idea how to handle this. I mean, my girlfriend is telling me that she deserves being abused and misses it. Please, don't tell me you want me to do this stuff to you."
"I'm not sure what I want, Micah. I mean, I love how you treat me. You're kind and caring, you don't hurt me or call me names, and you are an amazing lover. But I can't get rid of these thoughts, no matter what I do. I told you before many times that I am a complete mess. Now you see why."
"And the nightmares? What about those?"
"I haven't really had many since we've been together, mostly because we've slept together every night in the last couple weeks. But I know that as soon as you're not here they'll be back."
"Okay, well, that's a start," Micah said, relieved. "But this other stuff, you need to tell Dr. Cohen when you see her next. When is that?"
"Thursday," she told him.
"Then you're telling her. I'm not giving you a choice here. You have to tell her."
"Okay, I will. I swear."
"Good. I'm glad that's out of the way. Now we can just relax."
Hesitating, Elsa bit her bottom lip again and looked away from him. "There's more."
"What? What more can there possibly be?"
"Do you remember when you found out I was raped by Jeremy?"
"Yeah, why?" Micah asked.
"Back when I was still with Jeremy, it was a couple months before we broke up that he actually raped me. He, um, took me up to that spot above the lake that I showed you. He was angry at me for something, I honestly don't even remember what, when he hit me really hard and knocked me to the ground. After struggling with him, he managed to take off my pants and, um, do what he did. Then he took off, leaving me there. It took me almost an hour to call my mom to have her pick me up. I just told her that we got into another fight and Jeremy was acting like an ass. She never noticed the bruise on the side of my face. That's how oblivious my mother is to everything.
"Well, the day I broke up with him, I had to ask Rose for a major favor. I asked her if she'd go to the clinic with me. Thankfully, she said yes. When we got together, I told her why I had to go, and she was shocked but very supportive. Um, I, uh, had to have an abortion."
This completely floored Micah. His eyes were bulged and wide, and his mouth was slightly open. He was once again speechless.
"Wow. Okay. Why...I mean, um...what?" he said as he stumbled over his own words.
"It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make, Micah," she said sadly. "I feel horrible for having gone through with it, but at the same time the baby was not a product of love. I most likely would have resented it, and it didn't deserve coming into this world unloved. But that incident joined my nightmares, and there have been times I've lied awake at night crying because of it. I hate myself so much, but I didn't have any other choice."
"Why didn't you ever tell me?" he asked.
"Because I was so ashamed of it. The only reason Rose knew is because I didn't want to be alone when I went through with it. She was very supportive and understanding. Afterwards, she took me to get ice cream so I could eat and try to forget. It didn't help though. It's the only time chocolate has ever tasted horrible to me."
"So, what? Nobody else knows?"
"No. No one else. Just you and Rose," Elsa said teary-eyed.
They were both quiet for awhile, neither one really sure what to say. There didn't really seem to be anything left to say. Elsa was slowly starting to weep silently, and Micah stood to pull her into a very loving embrace. Rubbing her back gently, he placed a kiss on her forehead and then held her tight. They didn't say anything, they simply just stood there holding one another. For how long, neither one could say.
After a time, Micah guided her to the bed and sat her down. Elsa was still crying, and didn't really seem to care what he did. So, he took off her shoes and forced her to lie down, then removed his own in order to crawl onto the bed with her. He laid behind her and just wrapped his arm around her as tightly as he could and held her. Her body shuddered as she wept, and he did his best to constantly tell her that everything would be alright. It seemed to help a little, because she did eventually calm down enough to breath normally again. Then she took his hand and brought it up to her lips and kissed it, then rested her cheek on top of it.
"I love you so much," she whispered. "You have no idea."
"I love you too, baby," he said soothingly. "And I think I have a pretty good idea. You sort of showed me this weekend. I just hope you don't regret it."
"Of course I don't. But that doesn't undo what I did. I told you, I'm a horrible person, and this is why."
"No, you're not. You have been dealt a shitty hand your entire life, Elsa. After everything that has happened to you, I'm amazed that you're still standing. You have a lot of hurt inside of you, and I'm going to do everything I can to help take that hurt away. You are too beautiful of a person to suffer so much."
"You're going to make me cry again, Micah," Elsa said. "This is exactly why I don't deserve you. You're too good to me."
This made Micah frown. "That's not true at all. And I don't know how to deal with either of your issues, but that doesn't mean I'm not gonna to try. But as far as the abortion thing goes, I think you made the best decision in a terrible situation. You shouldn't have to be a teenage mother because some asshole raped you, and the baby didn't deserve to be born that way. The baby deserved so much better. I know you keep saying you're a mess, and maybe you're right, but I highly doubt you'd be in a good enough mental or emotional state to take care of it and love it the way it would have deserved. I'm normally against abortion, and I know you are too, but I honestly believe that was the only real choice you had. The baby would have hated to grow up and learn that it was the product of a rape anyway. So, as far as I'm concerned, what you did was show the poor thing mercy."
"Thank you, sweetheart. It makes me feel a little better knowing that you don't hate me for it. I still feel like a horrible human being though."
"Well, I think only therapy will help," Micah said with a shrug. "Which is why I am urging you to tell Dr. Cohen when you see her next. Please do this for me."
"I told you I will," Elsa reminded him. "I promise. I won't hide anything from you or her anymore. And yes, those are the last of my secrets. There is nothing else. I swear."
"Okay, I believe you. I just hope you stay honest with me from now on."
"I will. I won't hide anything from you ever again."
They laid there like that for the rest of the night, slowly falling asleep. This time the nightmares came, and her sleep was restless and disturbed. She ended up tossing and turning all night, and woke Micah up several times. There was one point where she was whimpering in her sleep. When she rolled over to face him, he pulled her close and held her, and had to wake her up because she was whining. As she woke up, she slowly started to remember what she had been dreaming of and started to cry into his chest, clutching his shirt tightly in her hand.
Micah was heartbroken. He was witnessing the girl that he loved more than anything suffer from things that she could not control or change. With as much as she had suffered, he wondered how she was still able to function at all. The summer had only just started, and they were already dealing with something major and heavy. There was a very real possibility that things would only get worse.
00000
It was Thursday afternoon, and Elsa had just gotten out of her appointment with Dr. Cohen. Micah had been waiting for her in the lobby, and when she came out of her therapist's office, he took her hand and walked with her out to the car. When they got in, Elsa slowly started the engine and just sat there. Normally after a therapy session she would be a bit happier, but this time she looked rather morose.
"What's wrong babe?" Micah asked. "You normally like your visits with Dr. Cohen."
"I know," Elsa said with a sigh. "Today was just too heavy for me to deal with. I cried again. A lot. The worst part was I didn't have you there to make me feel better."
"Oh. I'm really sorry. What did she have to say?"
"She's putting me on a new medication along with the one I'm already on. It's an anti-psychotic. It'll supposedly help me with having those horrible thoughts, but it'll only work if I continue the therapy as well. As for the regret and self-loathing, she's going to help me work through all that. She said that a lot of women have those feelings after having an abortion, and because of the circumstances that led to my pregnancy, it's even more likely that I'll become suicidal, even with the medication I'm already on. I told her that too, by the way. That I've had thoughts of hurting myself again."
"You never told me that," Micah said.
"I'm sorry, I must've forgot," Elsa apologized. "I thought I did."
The drive home was quiet, and Micah kept looking over at Elsa as she drove. She really didn't look like she had it together at all. Her face was paler than normal, and her eyes were bloodshot. It was obvious she had been crying a lot, since that was all she had done since Sunday night. The lack of restful sleep was catching up with her already, and her hair was lacking that luster it normally had. She was a complete wreck.
When they got home, he dragged her upstairs to the bedroom and forced her to lay down. She didn't even bother protesting or arguing. Once she had climbed into bed, he fished out her little red dragon that was in poor shape and gave it to her. She immediately grabbed it from him and cuddled with it. Micah wasn't sure if he should smile or feel incredibly sorry for her.
Sitting down at the desk, Micah pulled over his laptop and booted it up so he could hop onto Skype. He knew the others would be online, so it wasn't really a big deal. As soon as he was logged in, they had already had messages waiting for him.
Mikasa Ackerman: How'd it go? Is Elsa doing alright?
Dominator: Hey bro. Hope everything is okay.
Raging Rajang: Hey guys. And no, everything is not okay. Elsa is an emotional wreck right now. She's been crying nonstop since Sunday, and she looks horrible. She's got bags under her eyes, her face looks a little sunken in, and she just looks defeated. I think coming clean might have broken her.
Feisty Firecrotch: That sucks, Micah. That wall Elsa had built up was paper thin anyway. It was bound to come crashing down at some point. After everything she's gone through, I'm honestly surprised she's kept it together this long. But we've all tried to be there for her.
Raging Rajang: I know. You have no idea how much she appreciates it either. She told me last night that she was glad she told you guys, although I sort of forced her to.
Mikasa Ackerman: Just don't push her too hard, sweetie. We don't want her to regret telling us, and we don't want her to slip further away from us. Right now, you have to handle her with the utmost care. Really, you should be with her right now instead of on here.
Raging Rajang: I know, but I am making her take a nap. She is so broken right now, Rose. She didn't argue, she didn't try to get out of it, she didn't say a damn thing. When we got back, I dragged her out of the car myself and up the stairs, and when we got into her room I had to basically maneuver her body for her because she wasn't really functioning. It hurts so much to watch her just fall apart like this.
Mikasa Ackerman: I know. Do you want us to come over?
Dominator: Yeah man, we can come over and try to cheer her up. Maybe take you guys out somewhere.
Raging Rajang: No, I think right now what she needs is rest. She has her little dragon buddy to keep her company. Hopefully that'll help. He helped her through her entire childhood with all the awful stuff that happened to her. I catch her cuddling with him a lot still, and it was kind of a hint that things weren't okay. But I never dreamed it was this bad. I honestly don't know what else I can do right now.
Feisty Firecrotch: Elsa is a very loving person, and is very receptive to it as well. She's also incredibly gentle. You know all this. She's fragile. What you need to do is find a way to glue her pieces back together. I know you'll find a way, Micah. When was the last time you bought her flowers and chocolates?
Raging Rajang: Um, Valentine's Day.
Feisty Firecrotch: Then you need to do it again. Get her a card too. Tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her how much you need her, and how much she means to you. Surprise her with it. Just do it out of the blue. You have no idea how much that will mean to her. It will make her feel so much better, even if it's just for a short time.
Raging Rajang: Yeah, okay. I can do that. That sounds really good actually. I'll do it.
Dominator: If she's asleep, then go now. She won't even know you're gone. It'll really surprise her when she wakes up from her nap and you're standing there with flowers in your hand.
Raging Rajang: Okay. I think she's asleep now. She was exhausted earlier. I'll be back later guys. Wish me luck.
As soon as he was signed off, he made a mad dash for the car keys, knowing Elsa wouldn't care if he borrowed them, and ran to the car. Elsa was already fast asleep, so she didn't even notice. Once he was pulled out onto the street, he hit the gas and sped off towards the nearest grocery store.
He ended up going to the nearest Fred Meyer, knowing that they'd have the biggest selection of flowers and hopefully Elsa's favorite. She loved posies, especially the light pink ones, and he had to scour the entire floral section to find the perfect ones. The best he could manage was a small assortment of posies with a few other flowers he didn't know the names of. They were pretty to be sure, so that's what he went with. It would have to do.
Next on the list was getting a card for her. What he needed was something that said exactly what he felt, or at least close enough. Something that would make her feel better. There were so many choices, but not a lot that really spoke to him. Eventually, though, he did manage to find one that sort of came close to what he wanted. On the front it had a quote he didn't recognize in gold lettering, and the rest of the card was flowery and what he considered to be romantic. He hoped, at least. It didn't really matter too much because he knew Elsa would appreciate the effort regardless, plus he planned on filling in the card with his own message for her. He knew that would matter the most to her.
Finally, he was off to the candy aisle to get Elsa's favorite chocolate. She really loved the caramel-filled ones from Dove, so he grabbed a couple bags of those and headed to the checkout line. The line wasn't too long, and in a matter of ten minutes he was back at the car and headed home. On the way, he kept praying that she was still asleep. He didn't want her to be awake when he got there, mostly so he could surprise her when she woke up. Not that it ultimately mattered. The fact that he put forth any effort at all would be more than enough for her, and he knew that.
When he got back, he ran upstairs and then quietly sneaked into the bedroom to find Elsa still passed out cold. She hadn't moved from her spot on the bed at all. Ellie had finally come into the room and curled up at the foot of the bed like always. As soon as he walked into the room, she lifted her head and began wagging her tail. Setting the flowers and chocolates down on the desk, Micah scratched her behind the ears and pat her on the side. She loved just about any attention she could get, and she had grown fond of Micah. He suspected it had something to do with the fact that he was always with Elsa, plus he treated them both very well.
He sat and waited nearly two hours before Elsa began to stir. At first she just stretched and yawned, then rolled over to see what time it was. When she saw Micah standing there with the flowers and a card in his hands, she sat up and rubbed her eyes.
"Micah, what is this?" Elsa asked sleepily.
"It's my way of showing you what you mean to me, plus I wanted to cheer you up. You've been so down since Sunday that it hurts to watch you slowly slip into this deep depression that you're going through. But these are for you. They're your favorites, with a few others mixed in. I hope you like them," Micah said.
When Elsa took the flowers, she started to smile for the first time since Sunday night. Then, before she could say anything, he handed her the card that he had in his other hand. She took it from him and read it over, her smile broadening. When she read his message on the inside, she started to tear up some.
I know that you've been through a lot of horrible things since we first met, but you have managed to survive it all. You are the strongest person I have ever met. Even after everything, you are still so full of love and life that it amazes me. I now know just how much you love me, and I think you have a pretty good idea of how much I love you. But, just in case you don't, I thought I would say it here.
You are, without a doubt, the love of my life. You are all I think about, and you are the only one I see. I want you to know that you warm my heart with just your bright and beautiful smile, and you make me fall head over heels when I look into your big blue eyes. You make my heart race with every kiss, and now I can't sleep without the warmth of your body laying next to me. I want you to know that I will never, ever stray. I will remain faithful to you until the day I die. I want to have a wonderful future with you. I want us to grow old together, have a family, own a home. All of the things that people dream of. That's what I want for us. There is no need for you to ever worry, because I will always love you.
As she read the card, tears started to drip down her cheeks and onto the card itself. When she finished, she set the card and flowers aside and stood up, pulled him into a hug, and gave him a deep and passionate kiss. It was a long and powerful kiss, and it meant something more than normal. He could tell that what she meant with that kiss was something that couldn't be said with words. It was something profound.
When their lips finally parted, Elsa looked into his emerald green eyes and he knew that she was telling him she loved him. She didn't have to say a word. He knew. They had had such a deep connection their entire lives that he could read Elsa like a book without saying a word to one another. Being with her felt like something that was always meant to be. Even though they had been together for only a few weeks, they had really had a relationship since they were little. They had always been together, they just hadn't realized it for a very long time. The only difference now was that they had made it official, and it felt so right.
After a few moments, Elsa escorted Ellie out of the room, closed the bedroom door and then the curtains over her window before fishing something out of her purse. When she pulled him over to the bed and motioned for him to slip under the covers with her, he gladly obliged. They laid and cuddled, kissing one another with as much passion as two lovers could have between them. Soon things became heated, and clothes were slowly being removed and mindlessly tossed to the floor. As they looked at one another with lust in their eyes, they both knew that there was no other way to express just how much they truly loved one another. They both knew that they were right where they belonged.
