A/N: Hello lovelies! Back with an update! Extra long chapter to make up for the lack of update last month! I had exams so I'm really sorry about that. Anyways, I plan to update regularly once maybe twice per month if my schedule allows it. As for the special I mention, god, I really couldn't get it to work out the way I wanted it to so it'll take a little more time. I apologize!
Shout out to a guest reviewer, who did a fan-sketch of Ida! She left her Instagram: the_amazing_misha if you guys are interested!
Also a shout out at Nel-Nelart on DeviantArt! I've commissioned a fanfic cover with him for the next arc of HSW which will be used soon (a little spoiler in the poster of how the storyline will go if you look it up though). If you're interested, please check out these two amazing talented artists and send your love!
Happy Belated Birthday to a dear reviewer Selene too! I hope you had a blast!
I hope you enjoy this chapter! WARNING ahead for some sensitive topics though. Thank you for the overwhelming support on the previous chapter! I love you guys! Guest reviews replies at the bottom!
Humanity's Strongest Woman by xDollfie
Chapter 26 — The Price
Year 849 — Underground City
Her heart was racing, her breathing haggard. The still stale air of the Underground City pressed against her cheeks. Behind her the sounds of gears operating echoed, her ears prickled and she tensed.
Two more to go…
Fueled by the raging fire in her veins, in an instant, she was only a blur — the twin blades in her hands whistled dark and sharp through the air. It was a simple maneuver, a basic backflip and slice, yet neither of her assailants sees it coming.
Her pursuers didn't even have time to register surprise at her sudden attack. Both their heads were off their shoulders in an instant and their beheaded bodies crashed onto a worn down building, still hanging from their grapples. Ida Starke smirked triumphantly and without further thought headed towards her destination, maneuvering through the buildings of the Underground City with expertise.
"Ida!" Seth shouted, watching her zip through the alley and skillfully land in front of him. Relief was all over his face. "What happened?! Where were you?! You were just supposed to stand guard!"
She released her grapples quickly as he ran to her. Using the back of her hand, she smeared the blood splatter on her cheek in a quick attempt to clean up. "What the hell! What kind of job was that? Edward almost screwed us over, he didn't even tell us they had gears! I was almost caught off guard!"
"Gears?" Seth echoed, confused. "Did you have an encounter with the Military Police?"
Ida grimaced bitterly, though she wasn't particularly fond of killing people, she couldn't deny that she was astoundingly good at it. "Whatever, I took care of it. How did things go on your side? Did you get the papers Ed assigned us to steal?"
"Yeah, it was a pain to get. I took out the merchant too, so the deal Ed was so worried about is bound to the cutoff. You can't strike deals with the dead after all." Seth informed her quickly, a confident smirk to his face. Then his eyes narrowed at the blades still in her hand; human blood was still dripping from it. "What happened? Did the Military Police find you?"
"It's nothing," she brushed him off, cleaning herself with a handkerchief. "Get yourself clean too, the kids shouldn't see us with all this blood. Let's go collect our payment from Ed and go home."
He stepped forward and grabbed her hand, stopping her. "No, tell me. What happened?"
Ida grabbed her hand back, eyes wide. Was he that worried about her? She could handle herself, surely someone like Seth who has been with her for a year knew that. "It wasn't the Military Police, some thugs probably… They didn't have any uniform. They looked like normal civilians, but they utilized the 3DMG quite well I must say."
To her displeasure, Seth wasn't about to drop the matter just yet, "Did they… say anything?"
She raised a brow suspiciously, trying to decipher where he was getting at. "No? Just to capture me or something along that line, it's really nothing," she replied firmly.
Ida found it quite odd how the usually composed man was fussing over something like this. There were bound to be guards, surely they couldn't infiltrate an Underground trading house that easily.
"Ida," Seth stopped her before she could move away, his voice dire. "Those weren't the trading house guards, I took them out."
She blinked, turning to face him. Her green eyes were wide in confusion. "Well, you surely missed a few. About five I would say, they chased after me."
"No," he reaffirmed sternly, shaking his head. There was something in the way he spoke that didn't sit well with Ida, and her breath hitched. "I'm certain, I scouted the area before you came. I took them all out, there weren't supposed to be any guards alive."
"Are you trying to say that…" Ida forcibly swallowed the lump in her throat. "That someone else is after me?"
Seth paused briefly and when he spoke again, his voice was quieter and more solemn, "Why do you think I insisted you live above the walls?" he finally admitted. "I… heard rumors… It's not safe for you anymore. Now that it's come to this, it's obvious that more people are going to come after you."
She spent another moment just staring at him, a heavy feeling entering her system. Mixed emotions whirled around inside her, and feeling the bitterness well up in her stomach, she quickly tore her eyes away and resumed her task of cleaning up.
"I see…" Ida murmured, her expression reticent.
Seth sighed audibly, "Ida, you'd have to go into hiding for a little while."
At this point, she already knew where this conversation was going. Her heart thumped harder in her chest, the dismay seeping into her skin. Hiding? How long did she need hide? Who were these people after her? Why were there after her? Time was precious, she needed to earn more money and every day living in this stinking slums meant that Lucas and Marcel—
Realization struck her hard and she pivoted around violently to face Seth.
"The kids—"
But Seth cut her off instantly. "Listen Ida, you need to hide. Immediately. Do you remember how to go the safe house? I made plans with Ed already, you'd be safe there— "
"SETH! WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS?!" she screamed, worried. She grabbed him by the shoulders, forcing him to look at her in desperation. "Seth, what about the kids?! We need to get them—"
He merely shoved her hands away. "I'll take care of it, you need to go to the safe house now."
Something snapped in her that very moment. "Oh what the hell!" she cursed, grabbing his face by his chin angrily. Ida screamed at his face, having enough with being shut down. "Shut up for a moment and listen to me! I'm sick to the death of you always deciding things for me and never listening! How long were you planning on keeping me in the dark?!"
"Why are you asking that?" Seth asked tensely, looking at her with caution in his eyes. His eyes were hard, and so was his voice. "We don't know our enemies numbers. They sent five men after you, five skilled men. Getting you to safety is the best course of action now."
She turned what he said over in her head for a moment, wracking her brain for a comeback. But Seth countered her before she could conjure one up. "If you're seen with the kids — if your relation to them is known — it'd get dangerous for them. It's hard for us to protect them against so many. I'd take them to the safe house when things have died down, but for now, we need to split up."
He stared at her expectantly for an answer, but it never came. Silence was her way of conceding defeat.
Seth regarded her with the same sort of eyes that hadn't even changed once, no matter how many times she looked at them. It was the kind of eyes that had her feeling angry — like how she felt back then when they first met.
Ida had hoped that she would see some sort of break in his eyes, some sort of indication that he wasn't completely set on his decision. So far, she had seen no such sign. And it was making her feel irritated once more. She wasn't going to say that he wasn't responsible for her aggravated emotions, but she also wasn't going to blame it on him entirely.
After all, deep down Ida knew that he cared for her despite all his shortcomings and wayward way of doing things. Perhaps more than she ever knew.
But still she hated it; how he would always decide everything for her. How his devotion to her meant that she would always be kept in a cage. How his overwhelming concern would mean that she wouldn't get a say in anything.
In truth, sometimes she hated Seth for disregarding her feelings all the time. She felt like she was nothing more than a child in his eyes — a child that needed protection. But she couldn't bring herself to truly blame him.
"You'd take them back to me, Seth and everyone will be safe. Even you," Ida began in a tiny voice but it got stronger with every word. The hopefulness in her tone was smothered on the very top of her voice so that he could hear it clearly. "We're a family."
She felt him move towards her. Her green eyes met his steadily. Seth smiled, nodding his head. "Of course." He leaned in, sweeping her bangs away and planting a kiss on her forehead. "We're a family. We'd all be together."
He held her for a while, breathing in her scent. The time was right — soon everything would be over. Silently, he wished was for time to come to a screeching halt. Just a little longer. Seth wanted to live in this made up fantasy he had played ever since he met her.
"But Ida, do you remember what I said?"
Her head absentmindedly tilted as she regarded the tall, strong man in front of her. "Mhm?"
He smiled softly, painstakingly searing the memory of her face into his mind so he could remember it and treasure it for eternity. With heavily guarded features, he tucked the strand of hair behind her ear as he reminded her of the words he once promised,
"I'm always on your side. I'll protect you, no matter what. No matter the price."
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
"When do you think our debt will be paid?"
He forcibly pulled his focus from his documents laid out in front of him. Feather pen still in his hand, his eyes narrowed at the enigmatic sentence that flowed out of the redhead sitting in front of him. As always, her face was stoic and cold and so were her eyes, but the words that she spoke were full of hope.
Levi's brows clashed together, "What do you mean?"
It was one of those times again, he concluded. It had been a week since they had transferred Eren and Historia to the hideout. Though Ida had struggled to maintain the strong persona she had always portrayed, she would come to him at times, a totally different person.
"It's really cruel — us living here that is. Cleaning, cooking, living everyday mundanely," she continued passively. "It's almost as we're living in a false peace, and somehow, soon, one of us might not be sitting next to each other like this, talking with each other. One of us might not even be alive."
Her eyes finally met his, and her smile faded. "I wonder, would you think of me if I'm gone?"
"...What is it this time, Ida?" he sighed, placing his pen down. He leaned back on his chair, staring at her intently, waiting for her to say something and explain herself.
"To be honest, I'm getting tired of chasing ghosts," Ida muttered softly, a small smile playing on her lips. "The debt that we owed the dead — when will it be paid? No, will it ever be paid? Isn't the price we have already paid enough, haven't we lost enough people? Is freedom the only way to pay that debt? Why should more people die and suffer to satisfy the wishes of dead? It's so... much easier to give up. Tell me Levi, will it really be worth it when we finally get there?"
He considered her for a long time, feeling uncharacteristically frustrated. Ida was such an oddity to him; why was it she was able to ask these questions so easily? It had been years since Levi had joined the Survey Corps, but never once had he had the courage to ask such selfish questions even though it had run through his mind countless of times.
A genuine brat — he would once say if anyone had the galls to ask him such ridiculous questions. But this time, a different word popped into his mind: selfish, beautifully selfish.
He briefly wondered if it'd be okay to tell her that he was getting tired of chasing ghost too and that deep down, he wanted nothing more than to live by his own will and not chained to the ghost of his comrades. But he decided not to — this wasn't the type of advice she was seeking. She wanted something to cement her resolve to continue fighting deep into her soul.
"Everything in life exacts a price. Either way, whether you like it or not, you'll have to pay the ultimate price too," he finally answered in a deadpan, picking up his pen again. "And only then can you decide whether the price is worth it in exchanged to what you've gained."
Levi drawled in a long breath to compose himself.
All he really wanted to do was curl up and fade away. The only real sensation breaking through to him was the rocking of his horse beneath him as it raced across the landscape. Hours might have passed; he wasn't really sure. The only thing he could remember was Erwin riding him to meet his squad halfway on route to Orvud district and him hurriedly reporting everything back to Erwin.
Everything but Ida Starke's untimely death that is.
He felt different. From the way he moved, to even how he breathed. He could tell that his body was only moved by pure instinct. Levi finally exhaled his breath as he finally passed the gates of Orvud District. Frankly, he didn't even want to speak about it. Even speaking about it meant breathing life into the fact she was likely dead.
Why did she die? She could've killed him easily, he had given her countless of opportunities. If she had wanted to save Elsie so badly, why couldn't she have killed them? That way, she'd be alive right now.
Images flashed through his mind vividly: an old memory of Ida curling up in bed as she wept for Eld and the rest of their team, her wretched face as it twisted with rage when she knew Erwin was by death's door not too long ago, and finally, when she was by Erwin's bed side, promising him that it'd be the last time she'd ever be deterred by her emotions anymore and that she'd utterly devote herself to humanity.
If he was a slave to the ghosts of their dead comrades, then Ida was a slave to the living. That was her downfall; that she could never live with the idea that someone she loved might die. She was a pacifist at heart.
It wasn't as if Levi didn't understand the reasoning behind her actions, it was because he couldn't accept it.
"Commander Erwin!" A soldier came scurrying towards them the moment they stopped. "What happened?!"
Erwin dismounted swiftly and the rest of the squad followed suit. "Gather all the leaders, we have an emergency! An aberrant Titan is on route to Orvud District! No one, civilian or not, is to leave the district until further notice!"
Levi found his eyes trailing to Eren and Historia — the hopes of humanity. Was this what he exchanged for the ultimate price he had paid? He felt anger simmering in his soul, but he willed it to cool. Hah, Levi wanted to laugh miserably.
It was so unreasonable. Why was anger the only thing he was capable of feeling right now?
He wanted to laugh at the fact that he couldn't even find it himself to grieve — to be human — even if it was just for a moment. Images of her were flashing in his head, but the severity of situation took precedence to everything else.
"You haven't told him…" Hanji's voice meekly sprang from his side, pulling him out from this self-destructing thoughts. "Why did Ida betray us? Did you've any idea? I heard from Armin… What happened that is… I heard she disarmed herself."
Levi secretly smirked at the hilarity of it, feeling the disgust pool in his stomach and poisoning his soul. A part of him knew that Hanji wasn't just merely asking because she grieved the death of a comrade but it was because she wanted to know if Ida provided him with any valuable information in regards to humanity.
He could feel Hanji's eyes upon him, hardened by the harsh reality, but she didn't make a move to speak another word as if to give him space.
He felt as though a bullet had ripped through his chest when the image of Ida's horrified expression when she saw Hanji falling from the sky flashed through his mind — it was the final straw that drove her to do the unthinkable out of desperation to stop herself.
Yet this friend, this comrade, this family that he knew Ida loved — like him, couldn't even mourn her.
Perhaps that was why he couldn't even find it in himself to get angry at Hanji, to lash out at her. He understood her predicament. Levi knew that his self-control was truly commendable, but he never knew just how good he was at controlling himself till now.
He wondered if Ida would despise them in the afterlife. No, she probably wouldn't. She'd smile at them, loving them in her own fucked up way even if they were the shittest people on earth.
"Tch." Levi clicked his tongue in annoyance, swatting Hanji away as though she was a bothersome fly. "Elsie Starke is alive, she's being held hostage."
"Alive? How can this be—" Recognition struck her and she stopped. Oh god, Elsie Starke was alive. Was this the reason why Levi hesitated in telling Erwin?
Judging from the dark shadow hovering over Levi's features, Hanji guessed she was right. "I'll… report to Erwin about this Levi, just relax—"
Levi stopped in his walk immediately, his eyes tightening as she regarded her. "Relax?"
He wanted to ask her if she was out of his mind. Relax? He could hardly bring himself to stand on his own feet, let alone do something like relax. "That fucking huge shit of a Titan is on its way to our gates now, and you're telling me to relax?"
She was almost about to retort that that wasn't what she meant but Hanji faltered, her eyes growing softer as she studied him — ah, this was Levi's way of escaping. He was going to distract himself as he always had by devoting his heart and soul to humanity.
It had always worked for him. This method of shutting down despite earnestly wanting nothing more than to break down and cry.
Hanji was in a mix bag of emotions; she couldn't help but admire his resolve yet pity him at the same time. There was a concerning thought hovering at the back of her mind; just what would happen to Levi when he finally had a breather and mankind wasn't in an imminent threat?
He saw through what she was thinking immediately, and he felt his body go rigid of its own accord. He kept his expression neutral as he spoke again.
"She knew what she was getting into," he murmured softly, almost as if he was speaking to himself. "The moment we became a soldier and took that vow, our lives are not ours to live. This is the shitty price everyone must pay in due time."
Hanji adjusted her glasses uncomfortably, her lips tightening in a thin line. It was apparent that she did not expect him to mention anything about Ida's death. She wanted to offer some words of consolation, but she couldn't find the words to. After all, the pragmatic Levi was right, as he always was.
"...What did you think about the brainwashing of the Reiss family?" Hanji switched the subject indiscreetly. Was it too much to hope for that neither one of them was really paying much attention to the conversation topic, or that both of them would let it slide? There was no point in being sentimental. "Historia said that if a Reiss Royal member were to inherit the Coordinate, they'd be able to fully utilize it. But they'd be subjected to the first Reiss King wishes and unable to do as they will…"
"It's a right decision — the Coordinate power should stay with Eren, I don't how the hell he managed to utilize it back then and control Titans, but he did. We're all riding on that glimmer of fucking hope," Levi said in a monotone, his eyes aimlessly training ahead.
"Also, from the recounts of Eren about the contents of Rod Reiss bag…" Hanji paused and grimaced, cursing that either way how the conversation flowed, it all brought up a certain someone that was sure to ignite a wave of emotions in the man next to her. "He said that it was delivered to Rod by Ida and a brown-haired man. So to be exact, we can assume that it came from Jaron Starke."
There was a twinge of exasperation lining the breath he exhaled, his eyes shutting in a blink for a couple seconds longer than usual. "Tch, so the bastard is churning out fancy serums for Titans?"
She nodded slowly, her eyebrows knotting. "It's safe to put it that way, Rod did not attempt the inheritance ritual until the package was delivered by Jaron."
"Add that to the damn list of things to tell Erwin," Levi added sarcastically in a deflated tone, his energy seemingly drained away from him. Then a loud protest commanded his attention when he entered the room.
"What are you trying to do Erwin!" A Garrison squad leader in charge of Orvud district demanded, his features thwarted with accusation and contempt. "That Titan will be here before dawn!"
Erwin regarded him in a slow and passive distaste, prompting Hanji to step in, "It's a deviant type."
"So what?!" The Garrison soldier snapped, trailing his eyes back to the Survey Corps commander. "Why are you stopping the people from evacuating?!"
"The target Titan is attracted by densely population areas, and it's so extreme that it completely ignored small villages and came directly to this town," Hanji elaborated on behalf of Erwin, who at this point looked as though he wanted to throttle the soldier for being so ignorant. "If you order the people to evacuate to Wall Sina now, it'll destroy Wall Sina to follow them. In the end, it'll arrive in the most densely populated Capital Mitras and bring about destruction there."
"What?"
Erwin's form is a steady presence at the round table, and he finally spoke again. "In order words, we must kill that Titan on the outer wall of Orvud District. We need the people to act as a decoy. However, it doesn't change the fact that our mission is to protect people's lives. Even in the case we aren't able to kill the target, we'd make sure that no citizens are killed. With the excuse of an evacuation test, we will prepare the civilians so that they are able to move in and out of Orvud if required."
The soldier faltered, "I... guess that's the only way."
"The target is a size never seen before, but because of that, it's slow and easy to hit. I believed the canon fixed on the top of the wall are extremely capable of subduing it, however in a case that we fail," Erwin paused, turning to where Levi and the rest of his squad were. "We'll use the best team of the Survey Corps."
"We'd have about an hour before that thing arrives," Hanji informed him. "We'd have to hurry."
Erwin nodded his head jerkily, "I understand. Levi, gather your squad immediately and meet me on top the wall."
"Wait, Erwin..." Levi stopped him and Erwin raised a brow at his gravelly tone. "Ida's dead."
The sudden hush that fell in the room is stark against the heavy information that was just revealed.
Erwin didn't look like any of that information surprised him, but his eyebrows pulled together just slightly as he observed him. "I see…"
Levi noticed that Erwin was not only speaking in a very clipped manner but that he also did not seem as taken aback as the rest of the room clearly was. "Are you not even going to ask why Erwin? Or how?"
"Later, Levi," Erwin said in a steely tone. He felt the hesitation from Levi to let the matter drop so easily. "I'm sorry… for your loss."
"Elsie Starke is alive," Levi said loudly, silently enraged that Erwin could even say that he was sorry; frankly, he didn't even deserve to apologize. "She died because her mother was held as a hostage against her."
This time, Erwin's features darkened and Levi knew he had triggered something in him. "Are you not going to do anything? You could hand over the command here, assign a squad to follow you and rush to her."
Erwin kept his face carefully under guard, but Levi was sharp enough, and he knew Erwin better than anyone. The slight twitch in Erwin's fingers told a different story than the passive facade the commander was trying to portray.
"To sweetened the proposition, it seems that fucking Jaron Starke was churning out an injection that could turn anyone into a mindless stark nude Titan," he added with the same aggravation, indignation clouding his voice. "Has this, fucking piqued your interest now Erwin? Enough for you to go?"
Erwin glared down at the shorter yet frighteningly intimidating presence before him; he knew what Levi was doing. He was taunting him, the man who didn't even flinch at the death of his daughter — the woman Levi held so dear in his heart — but would jump at any information regarding the secrets of humanity.
"Later, Levi," Erwin repeated himself again. It was a stern command. "For now, we must secure the security of this place."
"Oi, hold it." Levi snarled with a frighteningly scowl. Ice cold glaciers formed in his eyes. "If you don't don't stop acting high and mighty as though you're feeling nothing, I might just cut off your other hand. If you kick the bucket from it, I guess everything is over for you, yeah? Your shitty dreams and all."
Erwin paused and then broke out into a small disturbed smile. "Ha…" he breathed. "...You can do as you see fit, Levi."
Levi's eyes narrowed instantly; he became deeply aware of the underlying passive hatred he bore for this frightening cunning man in front of him. He remembered how he felt when Isabel and Farlan died because of him and a scheme he had set in action too — the rage, the never-ending agony, how he wanted to cut this man down. But he also recalled how Erwin spoke words of hope — how brilliant and arrogant he sounded, and how those words gave him a purpose, a dream.
"But what about you, Levi? Will you let your eyes remain clouded? Will you kill me, and return to the darkness of the underground?" Erwin had asked him then, each crude word reverberating deep into his soul. "So, fight for the Survey Corps Levi! Lend humanity your strength!"
And so, Levi followed him — as detestable as Erwin was at times — and cemented his road to being a soldier under his command. Though it was clear it was a gory and bloody road, Levi made a choice. So he befriended him, respected him, and at his darkest hour, Erwin was his confidante.
Would things be different if he hadn't met Erwin? If he hadn't followed him? Would Isabel and Farlan be alive then? Would Ida have never joined the Survey Corps?
But this was the choice he made and deep down, Levi knew that he could blame no one but himself for it.
However, Ida was his light, his salvation. Just as Farlan and Isabel were to him back in the Underground City where he lived. In his eyes — even after knowing the taste of true freedom beyond the walls — he was keenly aware of how Ida's presence could rival the brightness that only freedom could grant. This time, Erwin had taken that from him too.
But she was gone, and nothing could bring her back. He could only continue down the path he had chose years ago, hoping that freedom in the end would be worth the price and grant him salvation. He needed this man to see his dreams through the end, not only for humanity but for the sake of his own sanity.
It was what she would've wanted as well.
"What will happen after you realize your dream, Erwin?" Levi questioned after a long pause, his eyes softening as he looked away. "What will you do afterward?"
Erwin allowed a wan smile on his lips and he unconsciously touched the stump that was once his right hand. "I still… don't know yet."
"I see... I'll trust your judgment." Levi replied evenly, turning towards the door. "I'll lead the operation on Orvud against that fucking huge Titan. Seeing the state you're in, you just sit back and just move your brain, it's more detrimental to the Titans and it benefits humanity more. If you kick the bucket now, it's all over for humanity."
And for me, he wanted to add. But he didn't.
Erwin grimaced when Levi and beckoned for his squad who was patiently waiting for orders at the corner of the room to follow him and left. Now that Erwin was alone, a mild bout of irritation hit him hard enough for him to close his eyes and raise a hand to his face, rubbing his temper as his vexed emotions slowly dissipated.
How could this happen? How could Elsie be alive? How could Ida be dead? He had always been so prepared for every possible outcome, so this was an oversight that he found unprofessional. Ida was a valuable asset — her strength accounts to a whole squad alone. This was a huge blow to the Survey Corps—
Ah. He stopped, startled and horrified by his train of thoughts. His flesh and blood had just died and all he could think about was the future of the Survey Corps. He smirked inwardly; his desire to chase his dreams and his thirst for knowledge had truly made him into a monster.
If he couldn't even save the woman he had once loved, or his own flesh and blood, what made him so sure that he could save humanity itself?
In midst of his troubling thoughts, Erwin had failed to notice another lingering presence by the room, "Erwin, do you have a moment?"
"What is it Hanji?" he answered lethargically, opening his eyes as he turned to her. His expression mirrored hers; distressed, irritated and overall solemn.
Hanji adjusted her glasses and jumped straight to the point. "...Don't let Levi go to the front lines, I'll lead his squad in his place."
"It's not like you to say something like this..." Erwin looked perturbed; he had enough on his mind as it was. "I'd pretend I never heard your request."
"You know why I'm asking this — this, is different. He's not himself." Hanji retorted briskly, stressing on every word. "You know that. Surely you can understand?"
Erwin nodded numbly, processing this information. "Hanji, I assume you're aware that many people had someone they loved pass away amid this vicious war?"
She blinked. "Yes but—"
"Do you see any other scout or their lover sacrificing everything to meet each other?" He carried on apathetically, his features stoic. "Do you see them abandoning everything to run to each other, to be with them in their final moments?"
"No..."
"They were aware of their duties, Hanji. As is Levi. That's why I trust him, as I always have." He elaborated, his words raw and unfiltered. "Why do you think he is here now? I know you can be impetuous at times, acting in what you believe in. But surely you know that."
"If you wanted him to believe that duty was more important than anything, you wouldn't have that disturbed expression on your face now," she snapped cruelly, stunning him with the bluntness of her words.
A hateful spark played on his expression before he replied; the most honest Erwin had been in a long while. "...It's not as if I'm immune to emotions, Hanji." Relinquishing any hold on his perfect calm persona, sadness found a way to his tone. "Despite my position, despite everything I…"
Hanji looked stricken, but she forged on. "I'm sorry. This…. is hard on you too... I wasn't thinking—"
Erwin cut her off instantly; he was too strong, too powerful and too influential to play the victim. Not when he was the mastermind of his own schemes and had the future of humanity riding on his shoulders.
He forced himself upright. "I need to oversee the operation, gather your squad and report to the Garrison. We need their cooperation on the cannons on top of the wall, see to that and then report back."
Hanji gritted her teeth as her unspoken disapproval of his dismissal. "Understood."
With that, Erwin left leaving Hanji to nurse her own mixed feelings. When she finally left the room to heed to her duties, she was surprised to see Armin by the door.
"Armin?" she called, snapping the boy back to earth. "What is it?"
"I'm sorry Hanji-san, I overheard your conversation with the commander..." he admitted after a pause, his eyes haunted. He hesitated before he asked, "...Do you think Ida-san is alive?"
Hanji smiled wearily. "I don't know… It's hard to even fathom that she could get out of that rubble on time," she moved down the corridor with Armin following her. "You seem awfully worried about Ida-san… You shouldn't blame yourself…."
And you shouldn't too, Armin's eyes spoke on behalf of his lips.
He fiddled with his fingers before he said, "...It's just that, with Ida-san and Levi-san… I think both of them are just sad, not because whatever they had between them ended so tragically..." He stopped himself. "It's because…"
"...Armin, do you know why those two are so attracted to each other?" Hanji questioned suddenly. Armin remained silent, allowing her to further enlighten him. "They seem to be a quite odd pairing, don't you think?"
His shoulders dropped sadly. "...I guess."
"When I first joined the legion... I realized that everyone was united by the will to fight, the will to live; it was the same for Erwin, Mike, Nanaba, Nifa and me..." She gave him a forced, reassuring smile that was cloaked with sadness at the mention of their deceased comrades. "But I was there when Levi and Ida joined, two cynics and victims of their own circumstances, so different yet so similar... And then I discovered that the desire to live and the will to live are two entirely different things."
"I don't quite understand what you're trying to say, Hanji-san." Armin admitted softly. "Aren't they the same? If one wishes to live, then you have the will to live."
Hanji weariness could be heard from her voice. "You can apply that for normal people, perhaps, but for us soldiers? It's different. That why those two are so tragic, and that's why even I can't help but wish to see them happy."
"Levi desires to live peacefully — perhaps even live out a normal life — and to be frank, to be with Ida. As much as it doesn't seem like it, he hates bloodshed, he detests unnecessary deaths and he is truly compassionate at heart. But he has no will to live for himself — that much was taken from him after years and years on the battlefield and watching his comrades brutally slaughtered." She swallowed a dry lump that formed in her throat. Sadness emanated every word she uttered. "...The will of humanity and will of his dead comrades precedes that of his own. He will die for them, even though he wants nothing more than to live for himself. He lives only because he is bound by duty. It's what makes him such an excellent soldier, it's what made him humanity's strongest."
Then she stopped, a darkness touching her features. "But for Ida… it's the opposite..."
"When I first met her, it was obvious that she had no desire to live on her own — that much was clear even to Levi. She wasn't suicidal per say, she just didn't have the desire to live. All her wishes and her will revolved around those around her — fighting for humanity, killing Titan after Titan so that her people she loved could stay alive, throwing herself into every danger recklessly just so she could protect others. If she had a choice, and if she was truly all alone, she would be long dead by now."
Though Armin looked stoic, Hanji surmised from the darkness in his eyes that he understood what she meant.
"Ida is impossibly selfish in a sense that deep down, she doesn't really give a damn about humanity or freedom or even the wishes of the dead. She pretends she does, but over the years it's easy to see that all she cared about was keeping those close to her alive no matter the price. That's the only reason why she has the will to fight for freedom and live because she wants to protect those around her. Because freedom is what those around her desires, and that's why she fights for it. Her will to live is chained to those around her, and whether they live or not."
Her eyes finally met Armin in a deadlock. "They're two fundamentally different people, Armin, but they truly understand each other. They envy each other because of they each have something that they don't have." Her heart stopped, when she realized that all the possibilities of her two precious friends ever finding happiness were all but pipe dreams now. Her fist clenched. "...But it's because of this difference, that makes them so utterly… tragic..."
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
An excruciating pain entered her, somewhere, where, she did not know, but she felt it, felt it and could not feel anything after that — and it hurt so badly that the tears of despair and heartache became mingled with tears of pain, and she knew that she was dying. She remembered a sad sob that rose in her throat at her horrible choices but was blocked by the blood that had filled her mouth.
Then nothing. Blank. A spread of never ending darkness.
Pain sheeted through her with a terrible intensity again soon after. She felt as though she was being pulled to heaven, as though she was flying, but an intense pain kept her rooted to earth. Slowly, her senses came back to her. Her sense of pain came first, shocking her to core. Then came her sense of hearing; grass crinkling underneath someone's boots. Finally, she painstakingly snapped her eyes open, and her sense of sight awakened.
Ida could hardly register the world around her, everything meshed together in a blur. The more she tried, the more her headache soared. The colors blended together, seemingly materializing a figure in front of her.
She brought her hand to shield her eyes, having a good idea of who exactly it was. "I'm alive…?"
Ida didn't even need to look at him to recognize the owner of the steely voice. "Would you prefer to rest in your grave?" Seth replied sarcastically. She could hear the grimace in his bitter tone. "Well… I supposed that you'd give some comfort..."
Her utmost priority was gathering all her jumbled memories — a fight, Levi, the cavern crumbling...
Something snapped in her and she bolted her upper body off the ground as though someone had punched her in her stomach, "What about— Ah!"
"Stay still!" he dashed towards her, propping her up with his hand. He wanted to chide her for her recklessness, but he decided otherwise. "I saw them... Every Survey Corps member got out unscathed."
Relief was prominent in Ida's eyes, so prominent that it disgusted him. "You almost died and yet that's the first thing that worries you?"
At that moment, all she could think was how glad she was that they were alive. However, at the mention of her injuries, she started to assess her body. She moved her fingers, sighing in relief when they worked just as well. Then her legs, but this time a sharp pain seared. Her eyes went wide when she saw that it was bandaged messily with a dirty cloth. The bleeding had stopped. Putting two and two together, she steadied her breath.
"Why did you save me?" she snapped, her tone accusing and cold. "Was it on Jaron's orders? You know that I—"
"That you'd rather die than to serve him." Seth finished for her. His hands tightened slightly into a ball, something that didn't go unnoticed by her. "And whilst I do not deny that it's on Jaron's orders, it seems that our goals align this time. So I wouldn't say I saved you solely for his sake."
"So what now?" Ida questioned demandingly. "You take me back to Jaron now that my mission had failed?"
His lips pressed tightly together, a pause skipped between them before he replied. "No," he shook his head, trying to sound earnest. "You're free to leave."
This struck a chord with Ida's anger, her fingers digging into the soil beneath her. "Why?" she demanded through clenched teeth. "Just yesterday you were pleading me to submit to Jaron's will, to save my mother... What's changed?"
"Because you'd rather kill yourself than to betray them," he replied unyieldingly without a second to waste. "And I, for that matter, would rather see you alive. Think what you must but I'm always on your side."
Hush wrapped around both of them, but her eyes never left his. Bitterness and resentment filled the air and Ida finally moved her attention to her surroundings finding it redundant to even look at him.
The relationship between them hadn't changed: he was still treating her like a child.
"What… happened here?" she breathed in terror.
The thick forest that had once surrounded the chapel was half burnt, the illuminating sparks of the aftermath glowed against the dark. In the distance, Ida could see thick gray smoke billowing into the skies. The once pale night sky was now shielded by a veil of darkness as the smoke swallows up the whole sky.
"Rod Reiss transformed into a Titan," his voice rippled through her, haunting and displeased. "The whole succession ritual was fucked. Kenny's entire squad was likely killed. I would've thought your squad dead as well if I didn't see them emerge from the rubble with my own two eyes."
Rod Reiss? Transformed? Ida took a moment to come to terms with the events. What the hell happened while she was unconscious? Her headache throbbed, sending another wave of pain through her body. Seth immediately took notice of her agony.
"We need to leave," he wrapped his arm around her gently and lifted her up. Seth took a moment to silently thank the gods that she didn't protest as he had expected her to. As she hobbled through the fields to the forest where his horse was with his support, she made no attempt to swat his hands off her.
This wasn't like her.
But more than being confused, Seth felt anger bubbling in his stomach — the look in her eyes made his lips press together slightly, hands threatening to curl to loose fists. He didn't understand why her eyes spoke of such desolation and despair. Even though she knew that her squad was alive, despite the fact that he told her she was free to go… In spite of it all, how could she have such eyes?
"Wait…" her raspy voice brought him to attention and he trailed her line of sight. "There's someone there..."
"Kenny…" Seth could only echo softly in recognition. From where he was and under the shine of the moonlight, he could clearly see the blood that clung onto his badly broken body. His throat tightened — there was no saving him.
"Bring me there," Ida said sharply, more of a command than anything else. He quickly weighed out the options in his head and sighed, obliging to her request. He surmised that she wouldn't settle for anything else.
The sounds of rustling leaves forced the heavily injured middle aged man to open his eyes. His body rested against a tree, his breathing hard and labored. Kenny found the strength in him to smirk when he saw his visitors approaching him.
"Ho ho," he chuckled in the same mocking tone that Ida detested to the core. "If it isn't Jaron's little shitty brat and my good pal…"
Ida shrugged Seth's hands off her shoulder, and with great difficulty, she forced herself upright. She stood her ground, unafraid the power radiating from his authoritative and wrathful demeanor that Kenny never failed to emit even despite being in the state that he was. He arched his brow at her.
"All your comrades… were crushed during the explosion..." she started strongly, eyes narrowing. "But you know that don't you?"
He coughed briefly, blood splattering with each heavy cough and he smiled, "Those... bloody fools died on me…"
She blinked, almost suspecting a hint of warmness in his voice despite his crushing words. Steadily, she focused her attention on his cracked lips, which edges hosted a trail of dried blood.
"Kenny…" Seth frowned deeply.
"It's over, boy…" he said and Ida wondered how he had it in him to even laugh in his horrible condition. "...All our shitty dreams… It's all gone down to shit."
Ida found herself studying Seth for any signs that he acknowledged what Kenny had said, but all she saw was solemnness. They were even closer than she had expected.
"What does Jaron want with me, Kenny?" she demanded. "Why does he want the Ackermans dead? What is his goal? Surely you'd know."
"Tch," Kenny clicked his tongue and glared at her with a mixture of displeasure and disgust. "You damn fucking Starkes… You won't even let an old geezer die in fucking peace..."
"I was told to kill Levi," Ida informed him bluntly. Confusion tainted his features as he regarded her through suspicious gray eyes. With obvious reluctance, she made her point. "You raised him."
Kenny broke into a sadistic grin that had Ida's wondering if she made the right choice — had she read him wrongly? Perhaps he didn't care for Levi at all. "Hands off missy," he taunted, words slick with hatred. "I'm supposed to kill him. The brat is my prey."
She was about to break into an acid retort but stopped herself before she could. No, this is wrong. From the stories she heard from Levi, Kenny had raised him. But why? Why would a total stranger raise a child, much less someone like Kenny? Mentally, Ida found herself comparing herself with him; she too had taken in two children back at the Underground City. She loved them like they were her own, with all her heart.
And when they died, she felt as though someone had ripped a limb from her.
But this was Kenny she was talking about. A vicious man who was immune to words such as love, affection and empathy couldn't possibly raise someone that wasn't his kin and seeing how Jaron specifically named Levi as an Ackerman, Ida had arrived at a conclusion that her theory was right; Kenny was related to Levi somehow.
"Tell me why does he have to die?" she pressed on determinedly. "Why does every Ackerman have to die?"
For a moment, Kenny looked at her with skepticism. But slowly, realization seeped its way through and he chuckled amusedly. "Ah you don't know…" he noted with conviction, before lifting his head slowly to Seth who stood stoically behind the redhead. "...You didn't even tell her."
"Tell me!" she almost shrieked, her patience thinning. It took all of her resolve not to lunge for his neck. Her fingers curled into loose fists. "You're dying, alone, and weaponless."
Kenny looked as if he took joy in her anger and it only served to anger Ida further — it was all a game to him. A final game that he could enjoy before his passing.
"I wonder about that…" he pondered out loud, his hands etching towards the small black box on the ground beside him.
Unfortunately, this action did not go unnoticed by Seth, who immediately had his hand around his blade and shouting in a panic, "Ida! Get away from him! It's a Titan serum! He'd turn into a mindless Titan!"
"W — What?" she stuttered.
"Oi, Oi… Careful now, Seth…" Kenny taunted, hissing. His eyes narrowed dangerously at the armed man. "Who's to fucking say I won't transform before you get to me? Then you, and your precious little redhead will get blown to little shitty pieces."
Seth gritted his teeth and clutched tighter to his blade, but Ida stopped him with her gesture from her hand from going any further. "Stop," she said softly, her wide eyes focusing on the item on the ground. "He won't transform."
Ida felt as though a weight had been lifted off her shoulders — Hanji's theories were true. Titans were indeed humans. But how? A Titan serum that allowed one to transform into a Titan?
"You swiped it from Rod Reiss's bag, didn't you?!" Seth continued to accuse him, and Ida's ears prickled at the revealment. She focused back to the small black box housing a syringe, a needle, and a weird liquid in a tiny sealed tub.
It clicked.
The bag that Seth was carrying when they arrived… The same bag that was passed on to Rod Reiss that she thought little of and had no significance. If Seth served Jaron, then the contents of the bag came from him as well. A heavy sobriety lulled her mind and heart to stability, and the layer of numbness that she had so desperately needed to keep herself together surrounded her again.
Ida almost laughed aloud, so tired she was of the information and stories and games that she was still playing when she wanted nothing more than to crawl onto the cold, stone ground and die.
"Stop it," she forced herself to speak. "If he'd had wanted to transform, he'd have long ago."
Seth frowned at her request. "He would do it if he's threatened! That man has no qualms—"
"I told you to shut up. I said he won't!" Her characteristic acidity was starting to surface. Softening her glare, she turned to study the severely injured man before her. "That's because… he's waiting for someone else…"
Kenny Ackerman was waiting for Levi.
"Fucking righteous twat, aren't you?!" Kenny managed to say amidst his raspy laughter. When his laughter finally died down, his voice had taken a deeper, darker turn. "Fine, you won me over brat! I'd tell you everything! But… first… Sweet Ida-chan… Tell me, why do you think your life is so shitty?"
His cryptic question caught her off guard. "I don't understand—"
"Why do you think everyone around you had to die? Why do you think those boys had to die? Those brats that lived in the underground city with you? Don't tell me you forget about them!"
A paralyzing terror unlike any other overcame her at his last words.
How did Kenny know about them…?
"What are you talking about, Kenny?" she repeated, staring down at him with fear in her eyes. With his silence remained, she upped the ante and enunciated her next words with unforgiving severity. Her expression said it all: she was going to rip his face off if he didn't answer her soon. "...What are you talking about?"
He smirked triumphantly, knowing he struck a chord. He was satisfied with her reaction. "Why do you think they died? Why do you think they were targeted in the first place!"
The color drained from Seth's face. "Kenny—"
"You killed those boys remember, Seth?!" Kenny turned to him, a mad wildness sparkling in his eyes. "Those sweet little brats!"
Within a split second, the ambiance around them evolved from wrathful to ominous. Terror ricocheted off her body while she stood there in shock. She was beyond comprehension at this point. She bounced her terrified eyes to Seth and back to Kenny after that troubling confirmation assaulted her psyche.
She bit down on her teeth, her voice almost begging. "Shut up..."
"And why do you think he did it! To save you! A little Starke brat!" he roared, his irate voice thundering in her body. Motivated by her pleading voice, he continued his assault, "My men were after you because you were born with the name Starke! A fucking family that is the harbingers of death! Everyone who died in this fucking war! Those brats! Titans! Ackermans! All because of you red-haired bastards! All this happened because of you fucking Starkes!"
It happened so fast, a whistle in the still air, eyes blooming with hatred and vengeance. Before Ida could even comprehend what Kenny was saying, Seth had his blade out and pointed right towards the insane man drunk on pleasure from watching the redhead tremble at his revealment.
Kenny's voice was cold and taunting. "What, boy? Do you want to kill me now?"
"You should've killed me back then when I asked you to," Seth replied passively. His blade gleamed under the moonlight, hungry for blood.
But before anything could escalate any further, Ida halted the escalating tension. "Stop it… Let's go."
A doubtful spark played on his expression while he scrutinized her request, "Ida—"
"Leave him and let's go," she repeated again, stressing every word. Her face was ghastly white, and she staggered as she turned and walk away. "He'd die with or without your hand in it."
But even knowing that Kenny would die eventually brought little solace to her grieving soul.
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
Year 849 — Underground City
Seth never believed in god being the miserable being he knew he was. The thought of an almighty being having the power to control one's life was too sickening for him to even comprehend. If God had the power like they all say to determine one's fates, why did he make him live through such a wretched life?
But as Seth approached the apartment that he shared with Ida, he prayed. He prayed that he was over-thinking things as usual. For the first time in this life, he begged the almighty — someone that was believed to be able to change one's fate — to spare him, to forgive him, to grant him absolution for his sins.
He turned the doorknob, stepping into the apartment.
Immediately, he knew that God that forsaken him once again.
"Oi, Oi… look at who comes strolling in boys… After all these damn years..." A distinctive taunting voice echoed in the darkness, and then someone lighted the oil lamp on the table. Kenny smiled when he saw him. "Been awhile since I have seen your fucking shitty face, Seth. Nice place you got. Should I give you my shitty thanks for the address?"
Seth swallowed bitterly, he scanned the room, noting three other unknown men. "Kenny… It's been awhile..."
The middle aged man touched his black hat, grinning. "Well, we would've kept in touch if your reports on Jaron's illegitimate niece kept coming, but those shitty report letters stopped eh?" Kenny pulled his hat down to cover his eyes, but Seth could clearly detect the suspicion in his tone. "Where's the brat? Jaron wants her captured and sent back, that missus days of playing the mercenary is over. Though, that brat isn't that all bad, seeing how she managed to kill my men."
"She suspected I was working with you because of exactly that, Kenny. Why the hell didn't you tell me? She ran away because of that." Seth lied smoothly, feigning anger. "Why does Jaron want her back now?"
Kenny lifted his hat off his head and scowled, "Have you betrayed us, Seth...?"
"No."
"Then why did you not capture her and return when Jaron ordered you to?" Kenny demanded, a bout of irritation hit him and he grimaced. "Tch, and to think I took all the damned trouble to come down to this shitty rat hole again because of your failure… You were supposed to fucking keep an eye on her."
Seth's face was heavily guarded, and he governed his voice carefully when he spoke, "I haven't betrayed Jaron, Kenny. There were circumstances..."
Kenny's eyes narrowed down into slits while he scrutinized his answer. But the suspicion withered away when Seth stood there rigidly, without moving. It was clear to Kenny that Seth was indebted to Jaron who raised him, and him who trained him, but honestly, it didn't matter whether Seth betrayed them or not. Either way, Kenny could simply end Seth's defiance by a single slit to his throat when the questions about his loyalty became too bothersome.
Relinquishing any unnecessary bothersome thoughts, he smirked and clapped his hands. "Alright, then! Now that's out of the damn way, it's time to make use of her brats!"
Seth's eyes grew to the size of saucers in horror when he saw Lucas and Marcel brought out from a room. They were trembling from fear and confusion. He clenched his fist when their eyes met and he quickly broke the eye-contact. "What are you going to do, Kenny?"
"Lure her that queen bee out with honey," he smirked viley, eyes twinkling as malicious thoughts swarmed through his mind. Then he pivoted around and issued commands, "Take them and tie them to the pole outside. Doubt that shitty brat can still hide when her own brats are in a precarious situation."
"No! No!" Marcel cried in horror when a man grabbed Lucas from him roughly. "Don't hurt him! Please! Don't hurt my brother!"
Lucas wailed for the only paternal figure he knew in his life. "SETH! SETH!"
Forcibly tuning out the children cries and ignoring them, Seth turned to Kenny. "...Let me do it. They'd struggle and it will be a hassle."
Kenny considered his words for a moment, and then, he clicked his tongue in irritation, signaling for his men to stop. "Fine whatever. Just do it quickly, I wanna take a damn dump after this."
"Captain Ackerman?" Traute chimed in confusion.
"Let him do it," Kenny replied in a cool manner. "Go stand guard outside."
Slowly, the brown-haired man approached the trembling children. He could hear the ringing in his ears and the beat of his heart slowing down.
Marcel blinked back tears, slowly tilting his head up. He had Lucas cuddled to his chest, and his legs were trembling so hard that Seth wondered if he was going to collapse any moment. "S—Seth…" Marcel whispered hoarsely, eyes wide with fear. "Are… they going to kill us..?"
"No…" Seth replied in a monotone, eyes hollow. "They are going to use you as hostages to lure Ida out of hiding."
The older boy sniffled, trying to look strong. Lucas, on the other hand, bawled into his older brother chest and ignored everything that was happening. "...They are after Ida?" Marcel asked again for a confirmation. "...Those scary guys knew who you were…"
"Yes…" Seth answered with hesitation. The room seemed to grow chiller at his words, the foreboding fear of what he must do stealing all the warmth from his body. "They... are my colleagues, I'm working with them…"
"Are... you going to kill Ida too...?" The child asked and Seth mentally cursed at the sharp perspective bright child that he had adopted.
He inhaled sharply and gave him a grief-stricken confirmation, "...No… I'm going to protect her…"
"But… as long as me and Lucas are here…. Ida will be in danger, right?" Marcel's reply was feeble and weak, but it held a degree of recognition.
"Yes…"
A long string of silence ensued, then comprehension flooded the boy when he realized what Seth was going to do. Seth's agonizing expression spoke of it all. But instead of bursting out in tears, Marcel smiled softly and nodded his head. "Do it, Seth."
Seth's hands curled into fists, and tears started prickling his eyes. How does one decide on a choice like this? Embarrassed and knowing he'd come to regret this, he lowered his eyes, unable to face the younger boy. "I'm… sorry…"
"It's okay... We're both going to die anyway, and I want to protect Ida." Marcel smiled brilliantly as a form of reassurance and this only served to deepen the guilt that had already rooted deep into Seth's soul.
When Ida first brought them back, covered in blood and insisting on adopting them. Back then, Seth honestly thought little of them; they were orphans, dying from an illness, and completely broken human beings. He couldn't even comprehend why Ida wanted to adopt them. Clearly, those children didn't want to live. It was more merciful to give them a quick painless death. But as time passed and memories were made, even a heartless soul like him felt some form of attachment to them.
He watched in a pitiful silence as Marcel slowly peeled a sobbing Lucas off from his chest, and then guided him to turn around. Marcel gave him a small reassuring parting smile, before turning his back to him as well. "...Will it hurt…?"
As much as he wanted to save them, it was clear to him that he couldn't take Kenny on. The choices of his past had finally caught up to him — he had to see things to the end. He had to pay the price.
Seth bit down hard on his lips, tears finally spilling out of his eyes. Slowly, he retracted a small knife. His hand trembled in fear. "N—No… you will feel a slight pain… then it'd all be over…" he finally managed to answer, his words coming out in stutters.
"Okay... Tell Ida I said bye."
He shut his eyes in pain. "...Okay.."
"Thank you, Seth..."
After what seemed like an eternity had passed, Seth moved towards them, blade in hand. By the time Kenny Ackerman noticed what was happening at the end of the room, it was too late, the deed was done. Outraged, he flew towards him.
"Oi! What the fuck did you do, you fucking brat?!" Kenny stormed over and grabbed him by the collar, but Seth didn't even fight back, his hand that was still holding the bloodied blade swung lifelessly from his body. "Why did you kill them?! Tell me… you fucking piece of shit! Have you honestly grown to love that stinking redhead like I had fucking suspected?!"
Despite his immobile state, Seth spoke with conviction, "...You will report that you never found her…"
Enraged, Kenny launched a hard kick to his stomach, sending the man crumbling to the ground. "You're a traitor!" He bellowed in a twisted scowl. "Why would the fuck would I lie for you?"
"This is the last request I have of you Kenny," Seth closed his eyes, the physical pain was nothing compared to the pain he felt in his heart. "...Just kill me and get it over with. Do it..."
He waited for a steel blade to touch his neck, but it never came. Instead, a laughter ringed in the tensed air. "HAHAHA!" Kenny laughed maniacally. "Look at you! Trying to act heroic when you're pathetic as hell! Get the hell up brat."
"Why?" Seth demanded in a hoarse voice. "Why are you letting me live?"
"We're all going back to Jaron, like one sweet happy family!" Kenny smirked, but Seth saw through his pretense forgiveness, he didn't do it out of love for him or kindness in his heart, it was entertaining to him. Kenny's sadistic thoughts knew it was much harder for Seth to live through his guilt than to die as he had expected to.
"Oh don't look at me like that! I'm starting to feel sorry," he added on sarcastically, not once dropping the jovial tone. "Plus, I'd just love to see that bastard Jaron get his panties all twisted when he hears his beloved niece went missing again."
When Seth remained unprovoked and stayed eerily silent, Kenny tried to incite a reaction. "...She won't stay low for long as you hoped, Jaron will come looking for her. What will you do then eh?"
"That's up to Jaron to decide when he comes to know of her existence again," Seth said weakly. "I've done all I can for her."
Entertained, a maniacal smile spread across Kenny's face; he couldn't wait for that day to come. To see Seth writhing in agony when the woman he loved found out who exactly killed those kids, it was so ironically distasteful and tragic that it brought him joy.
What a twisted love story, but it was entertaining to him. Far more entertaining than what was happening in his mundane job of killing people.
It was six hours later did another life form finally entered the apartment again. Under the cover of the darkness, Ida threaded deeper into the confines of her apartment.
Strange, why wasn't the lights turned on?
Unable to sit at the hide out any longer and frazzled by Seth's sudden lack of updates, Ida had decided to go back home to check on things. She had half expected Seth to jump out and chide her for doing something so reckless, but she frankly couldn't stay still any longer.
She found an oil lamp on the desk where she had placed it and lit it, carrying it with her as she explored her apartment. Though it was her home for the past four years, Ida had never felt more like a visitor than a resident.
Then she realized the floor was rather sticky. Alarmed, she shone some light on the wooden floor, only to drop the lamp in horror when she saw that she was standing on a pool of blood.
She bit back a blood curling scream. The oil lamp rolled on the ground, only to stop abruptly when it hit something — someone.
Ida took in everything in one frighten glance; two children, in a pool of blood, stab wounds at the back of their neck. It was a fatal blow, for she knew that the knife would've plunged straight up to the brain and ended their lives.
She also knew it was fatal because it was Seth's favorite way of killing someone. 'Back-stabber Seth' was what he called himself once as a joke and she remembered laughing at how silly it sounded.
No, it can't be…
No. No. No. NO!
Everything went blank as she rushed to the bodies, picking them. In the dark, Ida sat and rocked in the pool of blood, tears pouring down his cheeks, shivering from the agonizing pain as she cradled the two lifeless bodies to her chest tightly. She wailed, she begged, she screamed.
It can't be true.
It can't be.
Seth couldn't have.
It was a lie she repeatedly told herself until she fell into the cages of denial.
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
It was said that the truth will set you free.
However, Ida begged to differ. The truth would only set you free if you had the courage to accept it. It wasn't as though Ida didn't know about the murders of Marcel and Lucas or the reasonings behind it — it was that she couldn't accept it.
She felt no semblance of liberation those people talked about, only a painful agony and a vicious battle as reality and denial fought for dominance within her.
What did Kenny mean when he said that everything was because of the Starkes? Titans too? What did they do? No, what did she do? Could just an insignificant name she was born with be such a curse to everyone around her?
The thoughts were driving her insane; she wanted to run, wanted to hide, but most of all, she wanted answers. She stumbled on her footing, only to feel strong arms catching her and supporting her.
In a second, all the strength that was sapped away from her returned and she pivoted around violently, slapping his hands from her shoulders.
Her wrathful expression said it all: it was disgusting to be even touched by him.
"Is it true?" she demanded in haste, eyes blazing in fury. "Did you... really kill them…? When I saw how they died from those wounds... and when you were nowhere to be found... it was obvious."
Seth's eyes took inventory of the petrified that she was in. "Then why are you asking me this?"
"Because I need to hear it from you."
He inhaled sharply and closed his mouth. It was palpable that he did not want to answer her question. "Yes, I killed them."
She felt all her strength escape her again. "W — Why?"
"Because Kenny was going to use them as hostages to lure you out, and knowing you... you'd gladly take the bait won't you?" he elaborated in a simplistic manner; too simply, for Ida felt her ire spark within her again. "I wanted to save you."
Ida clenched her fist to stop her hands from trembling. "You approached me, befriended me, guided me, all because of Jaron orders from the start…" she whispered in a harsh conviction. "You were a spy. You reported my whereabouts, what I was doing... all those times... So why did you change your mind in the end? Why…?"
She panted as she waited for his answer, weary but alert. She felt Seth hesitation to answer again until he met her questioning eyes directly. "Because I fell in love with you. If it's to save you, I wouldn't mind being a monster.
At his confession, Ida recalled how safe she felt around this man in the past.
Now, though, an unconscious but deep-rooted seed of resentment found way into the back of her mind. As she thought of Seth, who had shown her such care and devotion, she found her memories colored with a red haze that she often saw when she thought of Jaron — a visceral, searing hatred that she tried blinking out of her eyes.
She could not let herself be manipulated by the man who casually confessed that he had murdered her family, but no matter how hard she tried to retain her composure, Ida's willpower was an insignificant, pathetic force that was only scrambling to cling to the closest explanation that made sense. The worst thing was that Seth's explanation did make sense — it was something that had crossed her mind, even, but she had dismissed it as impossible.
The Seth she knew loved Marcel and Lucas as if they were his own.
"Damn you… DAMN YOU!" she nearly shrieked, sprinting forward and shoving Seth so quickly that he was actually solid when she did so. "They were my life and you took them from me!"
"No! I saved you!" he retorted hastily, but her searing accusingly glare served only to spark his anger and he continued on with a venom dripping from his words. "I set you free! You were only clinging onto them because you live for others as you always had!"
"Don't act like you know me, like you cared for a second about what I wanted!" she snarled, unable to rein in the anger and hurt that she had tried so hard to ignore because if they were present, that meant that everything he said the truth. "Don't you dare presume that my love for them only borders on just that! Don't you fucking dare go there! Because I will kill you right now, right here. And I will feel nothing for you for you are long dead to me!"
It was clear to Seth that he had said something he shouldn't, "No! Ida, it wasn't like that, I—"
"You loved me?" she snapped. "No! You loved a girl, not me! You loved a broken girl who depended on you! You loved a girl who had no dreams and saw you as everything in her life! You didn't care about my feelings, nor about what I wanted! You loved a weak girl who was your broken doll, and I'm no longer that girl!"
Ida held her tongue as she looked up at Seth, who gazed down at her with a mixture of disbelief and anger. A loud sigh passed his lips, "...You can run, Ida. But no matter how much you run, you'll always run to yourself at the end. "
It was obvious what he was saying: don't fool yourself.
But Ida wasn't falling for any of that. However, she didn't find the need to explain herself to him either. So she settled on glaring at him.
He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Just go back to the military, I won't follow you. Nor will I ever appear in front of you again. Just promise me to live, for yourself. If you truly believe in the ideals of the Survey Corps, then I won't stop you."
She scoffed in disgust. "Forget the damn military, we're going back."
"Back?" he mumbled then comprehension flooded him; the only reason why Ida wasn't lunging for his throat was because only he knew where Jaron was hiding. "No!"
"Stop me then."
"I'm sick of this!" he scowled at her stubbornness. "When are you going to start living for yourself?!"
"I'm living for myself," she answered dryly.
"Admit it, the only reason why you're going back to Jaron is because you want to save Elsie and you want answers — answers that you believe can save humanity and that stupid flock of ignorant idealistic people you call comrades."
At this point, Ida was too tired to even argue. "What's your point?"
"If you're truly living for yourself, you'd have long abandoned them."
Ida had tried to hold her tongue, it was redundant to even explain herself to someone as despicable as him, but try as she might, Seth had once again crossed the line.
"Like how you abandoned them? Killed those innocent children who depended on you? Discarded them when they became a hassle? How you did all that just to save me and sate your own whims?" she scowled fiercely. "I don't see how you don't find that despicable, how you can justify these horrible things you have done!"
His twisted expression mirrored hers when he snapped back, blinded by pure hate, "Why do you think you grew so attached to me in the first place, Ida? Because you saw it in yourself what you didn't have, the desire to live for yourself and only yourself! You saw that in me, and you wished for it, and now you're condemning me?!"
"I don't need your preaching!" she roared. "You don't understand what is it is love!"
"Like how you love him?" he bit back cruelly. "When he abandoned you, left you in a pool of blood for his dreams? I watched it all go down, Ida. And I chose to save you still even if it meant forsaking my mission, my dreams, everything! If that is not love then what is?!"
She allowed a scathing scoff to escape her lips; so this was the reason why the usually composed Seth was so worked up. "Yes, you seem to have trouble understanding Seth, Levi and me. You don't understand what it's like to love someone to the brink of insanity. That even after he chose humanity over you a thousand of times you'd still love him. You don't understand what is is like when he can be pointing a sword at you, and you'd still love that person and you'd always try to find the best in him, because that's what you fell in love with. You don't understand how it is to love someone so much, you'd gladly die for his dreams."
Seth conceded defeat by staying silent, unable to recover from the shock of her blunt answer.
Oddly enough, Ida felt peace and warmth amidst all this chaos as she talked about Levi. She knew that by saying it out loud, it'd only cement her resolve. "You don't understand what it is like to love, Seth and I feel sorry for you."
"Then why can't you love me the same way...?" he clenched his fist. "Why? Why him?"
"Because you want me to sate your own ego. Because the thought of me being independent from you, drives you insane," she answered without filter, not caring if it hurt him. "When selfish people like you love, you keep that close to you in an effort to protect it, so that it'll never disappear. It's self-centered and there's only enough to fill to your neediness."
He gave her the appraising look as if wondering if she was saying this out of spite. "But I'd do anything for you. Anything. Only you… You just have to ask. He… won't grant you the same… He just left you there, to die, to wilt away…"
"Because that's what I asked him to, and he respected my choices," she told him in a monotone, trying to swat away the aching feeling in her heart. "As much as he might want to, he couldn't do all he could for me. But his love... is selfless."
"That's insane!" Seth roared, his lower lip quivering from anger. His eyes flashed so fiercely, Ida thought that he was going to lunge at her. "You call that fucking selfless love?! Just because you asked him to let you die, to just abandon you to save that stupid Eren Yeager, he just left you! Love isn't that like that! Love is always selfish! Because you'd want that person alive, next to you, no matter the price!"
Ida looked on pitilessly at the man standing before her, slightly appalled that a nagging part of her heart was partly agreeing with him. But she squashed that feeling before it could consume her. Ida understood that it was much easier to be loved by Seth, who saw her as the only star in his entire sky.
If she'd to describe a relationship with him; it'd be two stars who saw cared for and saw nothing in the universe around them save themselves. It was a hard pill to swallow for Ida, who knew that deep down, it was so much easier to love selfishly like that.
But then she thought of Marcel and Lucas, and how such selfish love was like a double-edged sword.
It was different for Levi — she who was a single star, but he who was like an endless sky that houses thousands of fallen stars that were their comrades. But how could she, a lone star, ever hope for the entire sky?
She bit down hard on her bottom lip and unyieldingly held her empty gaze with the brown haired man before her. A silent battle of the wills clashed and he knew that she was resolved to stick with her plan.
"I'm sick of playing into people's schemes, Seth," she finally said with great determination. "I'm fucking sick of waiting, crying, and then blaming everyone and everything for my fate! I'm sick of being used and manipulated because I can't ever decide for myself! If what Kenny said about the Starkes had even a little bit of truth to it, I'll uncover it and I'll change my own fate. I'm so sick of waiting for people to decide things for me, and if you won't help me, don't stop me. That's the least you can do for me."
"Even if it means that Elsie will die?"
She paused. "Yes. Even if that means Elsie will die. I'm prepared to sacrifice that. I don't know why she allowed herself to be trapped there by that cunt of uncle of mine, but it was clear she had resigned herself to death. The mother I knew would hate to be a hindrance to me, making my own choices out of my own will is what she'd have wanted."
"Fine, you want to go back to Jaron?" Seth finally said, his voice chilly and resolute. He steadily walked past her. "Let's go then. But heed my words; while Elsie and you can play the self-sacrificial bullshit, it's the not same when the other party doesn't put you as their priority. Watching him choose humanity over you over and over again will be poison to your soul. Just like your mother; you'd know that you're just an afterthought, a hindrance and a mistake to men like him, and it'd kill you before you know it. After all… love is always fucking selfish and your twisted logic of love can't exist in a fucking world like ours."
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
Jean had his head down as approached her, "Starke-san?"
She didn't even look at him when she answered, "What is it, Jean?"
"My gun… It isn't working as well anymore." He told her softly, handing her the rifle. "...I asked Corporal on how to fix it, but he told me to come to you instead."
"Tch. Fine, give it to me." Ida took it from him without hesitation, immediately examining it. She went to her bag and grabbed a bottle of oil and a rag before she sat down in front of a makeshift table that was an old box. "Didn't they teach you this during military training?"
"Not really…" he admitted, his eyes and tone completely despondent. He watched as she expertly began to disassemble the gun. "...We were taught how to take care of our gears but as for guns..." he trailed off, the guilt in his stomach started to bubble over again.
"Ah that's really dumb." Ida's scowling voice reached his ears. "Well it's not like I blame the training corps, most soldiers were meant to be fighting Titans, not humans. I'm sure if you did enlist to the Military Police as you said you would it'd be different."
He bit his lower lips — he remembered when he first met her after the battle of Trost and how she had correctly deduced that he wanted to join the Military Police just by looking at him. Has it really been so long ago?
He held his head low. "...I shot a few rounds, but I didn't shoot anyone…"
"I see. It's rusty. You haven't been cleaning or oiling it have you?" she asked. Ida's voice was calm and serious, yet somehow holding the twinge of languidness that never seemed to leave. "You ought to be learning how to take care of firearms if you're going to be using it from now on."
Jean took note of how Ida had chosen her words carefully — 'from now on' she said, and Jean felt another pang of guilt shoot through him. Could he really kill someone from now on? A long time ago, he'd have deemed that impossible, but after that fight with Kenny Ackerman and his men at Trost things were vastly different.
"...Back then, it wasn't as if I couldn't pull the trigger. It's that I didn't want to…" he admitted honestly. He quickly wondered why he was explaining himself to her. "Even if I knew that my friend would be in danger because of it… I still couldn't…"
He peeled his eyes away from the rifle that Ida was currently cleaning and downcasted his gaze to the floor. Jean knew he looked pathetic and Ida probably thought he was pathetic too. "...Since I enrolled in the military, I've grown so accustomed to seeing guns… But even after all that gun training we had recently, when the time came I... still couldn't use it… and because of that… Armin…"
"Had to kill someone in your stead," she finished for him, causing him to look at her. She shrugged her shoulders idly and reverted her attention back to the rifle. "So now Armin is outside the stables vomiting to hell because he's unable to contain his guilt over killing someone. His hands are now stained forever. And you're making that face now because your hands remained clean due to his quick actions."
A thick tense silence shrouded them and Ida stopped midway of cleaning. From her expression, Jean could surmise that she was cursing herself for saying something she shouldn't have.
"Ah. I'm sorry—" she broke off her own sentence off, letting out an angry hiss between her teeth at herself. She looked away. "...I shouldn't have said something like that. I made it so that it will forever be a burden to you."
Jean offered a slight tilt of his lips at the redhead. "Have you ever thought of killing people as a burden?"
Her answer came like it was natural to her. "I'm not qualified to say something like that because... I, myself have taken countless of lives in the past and also because I've chosen to go on this path."
"Countless of lives..." he echoed in wonder. "You mean when you lived in the Underground city?"
"Mhm." she hummed, grabbing a steel wood pad.
He watched in wonder as she expertly cleaned the rifle — just how many weapons had this woman use before? Jean swallowed sharply. "Why?"
"Because killing people was a job back then."
He couldn't hide the horror from his voice, "Just because of that?"
"Yes." she stopped mid way of her cleaning, her features stoic. "I killed simply because it was my job. As it is yours now too."
Jean clenched his fist and he deadlocked his eyes with her. "Thats—"
"Strange?" she cut him off. "In this world, there's nothing strange anymore, Jean. But if you'd to use the word strange, aren't you the strange one?"
"What?"
Ida rolled her eyes away. "I'm sure you must have noticed it, the Survey Corps is just bunch of misfits strung together with some stupid ideology. But out everyone of us here, aren't you the strange one? You had a wonderful childhood from what I heard from Eren. Compared to what everyone else has been through, that is. Can you blame them for becoming monsters sooner or later? Most of us don't have a choice. After all, the only reason why you chose this path was because something terrible had happened to you... Your closest and dearest friend died and you regret it."
"Why are you bringing Marco up now?" Jean demanded in a soft anger. Ida raised her brow at the soft alternation of his voice. "So what if he died? So what if that's the first tragedy I'd witnessed? You can't comprehend what I'm going through — the pain... despite my upbringing it doesn't make me any different from you or them…"
She watched as Jean plop down on a box not too far away, looking as though all the energy had been drained from him. He had his head downcast and his hands wrapped around his hair in frustration.
Breaking the quietness and the slight tension that had slept between them, Ida told him, "Which is why I say, you're strange... You've such an adversity to killing, even after you know the horror of losing someone close to you. In that sense, even Armin is braver than you. It makes me wonder why did you choose this path in the first place."
Jean gritted his teeth, she knew the underlying meaning she was trying to get across: he shouldn't have joined the Survey Corps if he was going to be like this.
"Why did you choose this path then?" he challenged, lifting his head up.
"Why?" she repeated in wonder, voice like velvet. "Well, it's nothing as glorious as Eren or perhaps even you. I was curious and bored at first. It was unimaginable to me how people would willingly throw their lives for this magical thing called "freedom", I wanted to see what their desires got them. So I joined the legion wanting to experience it for myself, to see if it was worth the price."
"Was it worth it...?"
She hesitated. "No."
Jean frowned. For reasons hidden deep inside of her, Ida was still full so of sorrow as he'd first met her. There was something in her eyes that seemed so worn out, so tired, as if she was detached from this world. As if this life that she lived was one without color.
Ida scowled as she continued, "...Humanity can rot behind this cage for all of eternity for all I cared, freedom is not something that humans needed. It just wasn't worth all those lives lost in order to retake it."
This had him confused; he had always seen Ida one of those fanatics in the Survey Corps who spoke passionately of life outside the Walls. "Then why continue fighting?"
"Because freedom is a necessity now. Ever since Wall Maria fell, there are not enough lands for agriculture or for human settlement. Not to mention the existence of Titan shifters and other corrupt nobles within the walls..." she trailed off, then Jean saw it when she spoke again — for the first time her once dead eyes were sparkling, color had returned to her world again.
"And also because freedom is something the people I cared about wanted... They're all fools actually, suicidal fools. I'm only here hopelessly wishing to increase their chances of survival, because... I want nothing more than for them to live."
That very instance, Jean had a silent understanding that Ida was the true definition of a cynic, perhaps she was even more cynical than he was. But Ida was a cynical fool and a walking contradiction. She had no honor that Levi had nor Erwin's strong sense justice and ambition. Hell, she didn't even have a twinge of the fanatical thirst for the unknown that Hanji had.
She was just a simple being, darkly honest with herself and surprisingly compassionate. She didn't fit in here, just like him.
"What about you?" Jean questioned. "Do you want to live too?"
At his question, her eyes lost its spark immediately and her acidic personality returned, "Are you asking this because you've finally realized that you're a hypocrite who only thinks about himself and his survival? Are you trying to find what little solace in me? 'She's like me, she wants to live to' — that would certainly make you feel better right?"
"Is it wrong to be pragmatic? Is it wrong to want to live when others are dying every day for the 'greater' good? It's it that much of a sin to just want to live safely and in comfort?" he snapped sharply. "Are you saying now that's it's cowardly? That I'm… wrong?"
"There's no need to get angry," she said softly, frowning. "I'm not saying it's wrong, I merely meant that you're remarkably honest. But seeing as you enlisted to the Survey Corps and instead of the Military Police as you had planned, things have changed hasn't it?"
"Titans have changed it."
"No, your love for others have," she told him, voice chilling and firm. "It's strange, us humans... We grow attached to things, no matter how hard we try not to and we change and do stupid things because of that. I don't desire to live, Jean. But I will, for others, for mankind, for you. Someone once told me that nobody joins the military to be protected, only to protect. But to survive and protect yourself is the basic instinct of any living organism, so don't blame yourself. No one will blame you too."
Swallowing down all that, he nodded his head once. Curtly. "Even if you say that it doesn't make sense. Don't you want to live for yourself then? If you truly meant what you said, then aren't you strange too?"
"Mhm, I wondered that many times before…" she murmured, a soft sadness predominant in her features. "If I were to guess though; it's because dying is much easier than living with your regrets and your sins. I'm not strange, I'm… a coward..." Finally putting the gun back together, she handed it to him. "It's done."
"Thank you..." Jean replied slowly, taking it from her.
He regarded her for a brief moment and decided that it was best to not ask any further questions. He had enough to think about as it is. He understood that this was a defining moment in his life as Survey Corp scout, and he'd have to decide if he was willing to give it all for a cause he once had thought was so idealistic and insignificant. He could no longer be on the fence, for his friend's lives were on the line too.
"Jean?" she stopped him before he could leave.
He turned around, "Yeah?"
"It's wonderful to have the desire to live," she said with a smile that had him stunned.
He smiled back at her sadly. "I think... it's even better to be like you, to devote yourself so unselfishly to protect others."
She laughed sardonically, standing up. "It's good to have a balance sometimes, Jean... Humans only have the capacity to care for just a handful of people in their heart. If you have no desire to live for yourself, one day if those reckless fools you love sacrifice themselves for some righteous shit like 'mankind' or even go dying on you for some shitty dreams of 'freedom', you'd be nothing more than a walking corpse. Remember that."
Ah, damn it.
He exhaled sharply, and he bit into the dry ration almost violently. Why the hell was he thinking of something like this right now? Numerous crunching sounds echoed as he chewed. Jean found himself studying his classmates, only to feel a bout of irritation hit him again.
Every one of them had a dejected air hanging around them and Jean couldn't understand why. The Survey Corps had just managed to successfully defend against the immense Titan that Rod Reiss had transformed into, Wall Sina was safe, there were no casualties and Historia would soon be crowned Queen.
Didn't everything go as planned? So why on earth was everyone making that damned expression?
He growled to himself and bit down on his dry ration again, chewing like he wanted it to dissolve faster. Connie caught onto the sounds of vigorous crunching. "Jean?" he called, worry coating his tone. "You alright?"
"Yeah," Jean dismissed him. "It's bad enough we have Armin sulking by the corner there."
Connie blinked, realizing that Armin was just merely staring at his ration, his eyes completely hollow and bleak. "What's wrong with him?"
"You can't tell? It's because of how Ida-san died," Sasha nudged him by the rib, her mouth completely covered in crumbs. "From what I heard from Mikasa, he could've saved her, but he didn't make it back in time before the cavern collapsed."
"Who cares?" Jean said loudly, full of spite. "It's good that she's gone."
Sasha gasped, shocked by what he said. "Jean…"
"She's a traitor potato girl," he reminded her flatly, eyes narrowing. "She tried to kill me, and she'd have killed everyone too. I… should've fought her with everything I've got… I should've given it my all. You people are too damn soft. Tch, maybe Armin wouldn't be feeling this way if she died by my hands."
"No one blames you," Connie informed him reassuringly. "You couldn't have touched her even if you tried."
"And Levi? He just let her live, he let a traitor live!" The ration crushed under his grip. "And Armin? Why the hell should he be feeling this way? He gave it his all to fight Annie, didn't he? Didn't he even have a small crush on her? Why the hell would he feel apologetic and blame himself for a traitor's death?!"
"Because she wasn't a traitor." Eren came after him from the corner of the room, eyes blazing. "She isn't one."
Jean held his glare with equal ferocity. "She tried to kill me—"
"She wouldn't." Eren cut through him in a measured voice. "I know she wouldn't."
"Are you even listening to yourself Titan boy! You're being fucking bias! Just like Corporal Levi!" Jean's furious voice thundered through the room. "Did you, no, did anyone of you ever thought that Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie would have betrayed us?! After everything we went through together?! But they fucking did!"
"Shut up!" Eren stepped forward challengingly. "What the hell did you know about Ida-san?! Or Corporal Levi?"
Mikasa took notice of the challenge swarming in his eyes. "Jean," she spoke through slightly gritted teeth, her tone holding a stern warning in it that he disregarded and ignored.
"Are you going to defend Eren again Mikasa? As you always had? But you know yourself! It could be Levi, Ida or even Erwin! The moment they laid hands on Eren, they'd long dead in your eyes!" Jean retaliated violently.
Mikasa simply narrowed her eyes at him cautiously. "But she didn't lay a hand on Eren."
"Nor did she help him," he spat back.
There was a loud bang on the door as a fist collided with it in agitation. Immediately, everyone turned to the door, stunned to see Levi. "Shut the fuck up," he warned, but before he could add anything another figure appeared.
"Levi." Erwin held his shoulder. Unlike the shorter man, he radiated a calm but equally powerful aura. "Please."
"Tch." Disapproval and annoyance were noticeable in his tone, his eyes matching the scowl that was on his face. Throwing one last glare at the recruits, he stormed out of the room.
Erwin cleared his throat. "I believe we've to clarify something, the reason why Ida left was on my orders," he informed them in a composed manner. "She infiltrated the Starke's mansion in order to gain information about Jaron Starke."
"Then why did she change sides in the end?" Connie piped up, looking rather alarmed by the news.
"Because her mother is alive and is being used against her," His crimson eyes seemed to harden slightly as they met Jean's brown ones. "And yet… in the end, she disarmed herself and chose you and her duties over her own flesh and blood."
Jean knew that the last part was directed towards him and he hastily looked away with gritted teeth.
"I don't understand, it'd be better for her to infiltrate the mansion and capture Jaron with a team..." Armin pointed out sharply.
"That is correct. But she refused to do it any other way," Erwin said, a hidden glacial tone in his voice. "It was a risky mission, we couldn't be sure that the Starkes did not have a hidden weapon or had knowledge about Titans. Not to mention we're also severely lacking manpower. She didn't want anyone else dying."
"It doesn't change the fact that she was a traitor, and a useless one at that." Jean spat angrily, storming out the room before anyone could say anything.
"Oi—"
"Eren," Erwin stopped the teenager from following him. "Let him go."
Eren's eyes widen, he simply couldn't understand why Erwin would tolerate the insult thrown at his own daughter. "But…"
"In his own way, Jean respected her more than anyone else," The commander said cryptically. "He needs time to come to terms with the matter on hand. In the meantime, be prepared, after we have secured Queen Historia in a safe place, we will immediately ride north of Wall Sina when we've pinpointed the location of Jaron Starke."
Outside, Jean angrily punched the wall, his knuckles cracking from the impact. Ah, damn it. Everything was just so confusing and aggravating. It was so much easier with Annie, Bertholdt and Reiner — they were traitors from the very start, they served themselves and their homelands from the beginning. Everything, all the memories they made were just a facade. It was so much easier to hate them, to want to kill them.
If only he never had that conversation with Ida and understand how lonely she was, if only he didn't know about the horrible choice she had to make from Erwin, if only he didn't know that Ida truly desires nothing more than the safety of the people she loved.
What a fucking righteous fool.
What was he fighting for exactly? Wasn't it to protect his friends as well? Didn't he sacrifice everything he had believed in the past, and believed in the way of the Survey Corps? Hadn't he convinced himself that he believed in that same dream that everyone had? That freedom, was truly worth the price?
But everything he had witnessed thus far was a glaring contradiction to what he had convinced himself was the right thing to do. The people he thought he cared about were traitors, the superior he respected didn't believe in dreams, and the Survey Corps way of bloodshed and human sacrifice was truly revolting and hard to stomach.
If Ida had lived for herself as everyone had, then perhaps he'd wouldn't feel so god-damn bad about hating her.
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
The rainwater fell to the ground in singular pellets. From the carriage that he was in, the sound of rain was soothing. He leaned his head on the carriage window, staring out listlessly. The air was cool and comfortable, though the ride to the headquarter was not.
Plop, went the raindrop.
He was neither hungry nor thirsty. In fact, he felt absolutely nothing — no sadness, no anger, just a stale kind of numbness. Now that mankind wasn't in an imminent threat, he felt incredibly lethargic as the fire that drove him to fight was no longer there to fuel him. Rage was the gasoline that kept him moving, but now he felt nothing.
"Corporal…?" said Mikasa's voice, sounding very far away.
He did not answer her. Levi closed his eyes, finding his state of mind somewhat surprising. It was as if he were having some kind of out-of-body experience — everything seemed so distant, and the overwhelming sorrow he expected to feel after having nothing to distract him was nowhere to be found.
Rod Reiss was defeated, everyone was safe, but Levi knew he couldn't protect himself from the monsters that were alive inside of him.
"Corporal…?" Mikasa repeated again. He could hear the disturbed frown from her voice.
He opened his eyes, perhaps he had lost the energy to even feel anything any longer, perhaps numbness was what he was supposed to feel now. He didn't know. "We'll grab the documents that Hanji wants us and go," he finally replied, his voice dryer than a desert.
Mikasa nodded softly. "Will we be embarking on a mission after we're back?"
"Erwin is busy securing Historia as the next queen and keeping her safe until the coronation," Levi lifelessly recounted the important details with the younger recruit. "Then we'll move to decipher where that fucking bastard Jaron is before he turns anyone else into a damn Titan. Now that the military is in control, those damned nobles involved with the Titans can't hide in their ratholes any longer."
He scowled grimly, still uneasy at the odd numbness blooming in his chest, "Hanji said we might get some damn insight on the documents about nobles she left at the headquarters."
"Are the documents in your office?" she asked.
"Mhm." Levi mumbled, looking severely annoyed and distant. Listlessly, he turned back to the passing scenery.
"Alright," Mikasa said flatly.
Plop, went the raindrop.
Levi sat there, listening to the rain, wondering if he was going to feel this frustrating numbness for life. Perhaps this was Ida's intention, perhaps she'd given him some bizarre form of closure when she told him to leave her and save Eren and Historia. All throughout the ride, Levi lingered on the sentimental memories that he had tried to avoid ever since she left — if anything, a normal person should've curled up in bed and cried. But even if he dared to try to feel anything, he couldn't.
Irritated by his own hollowness, he moved his attention to his young female companion. "He's going to be safe with them, Ackerman. Stop making that stupid face. If you're so worried about Eren, you should've protested when that damn four eyes asked you to come with me."
Mikasa hesitated before speaking, "That's not it… About your… Uncle… Kenny Ackerman?"
Immediately, Levi was flooded with memories of today — how he met with his dying mentor who casually revealed that he was his mother's brother with a sarcastic nonchalant laugh, handed him a stolen Titan serum and then passed on like the pathetic loyal dog that he was.
That dumbass, Levi thought bitterly. His mind flashed back to Kenny's words before his passing.
"They all had something they were drunk on… It was what kept them moving… If you don't devote yourself to something how can you survive in this world...?" Kenny said, hollow eyes downcast. "They were all slaves to something, even he was... What about you devoted to?! Being a hero?!"
Levi closed his eyes again. What exactly was he devoted to? Was it being a hero as Kenny had said? Or it was humanity itself? Perhaps he devoted himself to carrying on the wishes and will of those long dead? Or perhaps it was the thrill of having a purpose in his life?
What about her, was he devoted to her as well?
He opened his eyes. Probably not. He didn't deserve half of the things she did for him, and perhaps his love for her was misplaced as well. Nothing was clearer than his utter failure to care about her life. Levi could love humanity with the entirety of his heart, mind, and duty. But he loved Ida like an afterthought, a mistake he had come to terms with.
He studied the silent girl in front of him, she didn't even look bothered with the silence. "You want to know if we're related to you?" he asked bluntly, seeing through her. "Well, I don't have a flying clue about that. That shitface didn't say shit right up till he kicked the bucket."
"I see... Did he tell you, why our family…" she held her tongue as she regarded him, then added an afterthought. "No... Why were the Ackermans prosecuted?
"No," he stated.
He watched as her face contorted. Mikasa quickly reverted back the emotionless face she was prone to portray when she saw Levi was studying her. He breathed out loudly and went back to the viewing the scenery.
Plop, went the raindrop.
Finally, he felt the scenery change to a familiar building and the carriage stopped. The rain hadn't stopped, in fact, it seems to had grown heavier. The crisp smell of wet soil invaded his nostrils. He sighed, he hated the rain.
Getting out of the carriage, he quickly went towards the stables for shelter. Running his fingers through his wet hair, he waited for Mikasa. There was a rustle at the stack of hay and to his surprise, a brown dog emerged from it, walking towards him.
"The hell?" he scowled irritably, grabbing his hand back in repulse when the dog tried to sniff it. "Why is there a dog here? What the fuck are the stable boys doing to allow this runt to live here?"
"That's Ida's dog, sir," Mikasa informed him casually. She bit her lower lip in dismay when she realized how casually she had mentioned her in front of him.
Slowly, she watched as a series of emotions ran through his features; hurt, surprise, and then sorrow.
To her utmost surprise, Levi bent down and patted the dog on his head, which only made its long tail wag even faster. The dog being rather filthy was an understatement, so it was appalling for Mikasa to even see a clean-freak like Levi standing one foot from it.
It wasn't until the dog lifted his head, did Levi see he had a collar and name tag and he frowned when he saw its name: Levi. He smirked, it was just like her to name a stinking filthy dog after him.
He has grown so big, he thought to himself. Has time really passed that quickly? The last time he recalled, Ida had brought the dog back when it was still a stinking puppy. He could still clearly remember her pleading eyes as she literally begged him to let her keep the abomination.
The dog whined, snapping him out of his thoughts.
"Are you still waiting for her to come back too?" he wanted to ask the animal, wondering if it missed his owner. He found it rather crudely hilarious that both Levis were the same; yearning for the same person who would never come back.
Strangely, the only other living thing who could truly understand him was this dog that Ida had left behind too.
He took his hand back. "She's not coming back," he said softly, missing Mikasa's ears. The dog tilted his head and whined again as though he understood his words. Without another word, he gestured for Mikasa to follow him and they left the stables.
Levi knew that that dog would still be there; waiting. It was a dog after all, forever loyal and devoted to its owner who was its whole world. Was it bizarre that he somehow envied that? Maybe, but Levi didn't really care.
He was too numb to even care.
They entered his office, and Levi was assaulted by another onslaught of memories; memories of her sitting on that couch waiting for him to complete his paperwork, memories of the conversations they had whilst they sit by the fire, memories of how he watched her nod off to dreamland on that chair while he was still buried under that god forsaken stack of paperwork that still rested on the side of his table like a tumor.
Levi inhaled sharply. "Get the papers, it should be in the drawers," he ordered dryly. He didn't even wait for Mikasa's reply when he hastily left the room.
It hurt to even stay in there.
As Mikasa rummaged through his office, Levi found himself strolling down the hallways to pass some time. Anything was better than remaining in that damned office that hosted so many memories of her.
But his feet only found its way to Ida's bedroom in the headquarters. He touched the door gingerly. It has been ages since he been in there; hell he had only been in there once when he confronted her about Erwin's schemes about the Female Titan that eventually resulted in the death of their original squad.
Perhaps she was right after all. Perhaps they'd all grown so used to bloodshed and necessary sacrifices that they could only believe that it was the only way out and that it was the right thing to do.
He gripped the knob firmly. He was alone again. The sole survivor.
To his surprise, the door creaked open.
How odd, Ida had always kept her room locked insisting on her own privacy. He smiled inwardly at the memory of how they were forced to share a room once.
Before he knew it, he felt his legs move.
The room was unexpectedly cleaner than he expected. Everything was packed neatly and there were no stray sweet wrappers that she always left behind. Through the subtle light that streamed through the window, he imagined how she'd look like in this room.
Plop, went the raindrop.
Slowly, he closed his eyes and savored in the memory — reminiscing about all the times she was by his side, times that he had taken for granted. Her red hair that was the color of blood flowing down her back, her pink lips that slightly parting as she breathed, and her eyes… Pools of emerald that spoke so much of her feelings.
His stomach clenched just by that memory, wondering why she'd always allow herself to be so vulnerable around such a creature like him — one who could so easily forsake her.
But somehow deep inside, Levi knew… he knew that he could never forget her because he could never forgive himself. He shouldn't have let her go. He'd have stayed by her, protected her, no matter the price. He should've found another way. It was only as Levi stood by the empty room alone had he realized that she had unknowingly become his one link to whatever humanity he had left and it was clear to him that her ruin would be his ruin.
He inhaled sharply as Ida's words echoed in his mind and a bittersweet memory played of how she talked about her death so casually like it meant nothing to him.
Lifting her hand to the sky, she tried childishly to reach out for the disappearing stars. "But you know, they say when you die, you become a star in the sky to watch over the people that you left behind on earth." Clutching her hand in the sky, she bought it towards her chest and closed her eyes, relishing in the tranquility. "…When I die, I am going to the brightest star, and I will watch over everyone… Even an asshole like you..." she grinned at the final part.
He tilted his head up to the ceiling and opened his eyes, just like he did that day on top of the wall with her. Even though he knew he'd see no sky, no stars, only—
His breathing hitched.
For plastered across the ceiling was countless of bloodied Survey Corps emblems and if he blinked, somehow, they transformed into stars hanging from the night sky. Was this what she was looking at every night before she fell asleep?
In a slow motion, his hand dug into his pockets and he extracted her emblem out from it. He didn't know how long had passed as he stood still in that room, glaring at her bloodied emblem in his shaking palm that hosted a tremor of shock.
Plop, plop, plop. The storm was growing worse, the raindrops banged on the window, rhythmically syncing with his increasing heartbeat.
His fist curled, crumpling the emblem within it. Hah, what bullshit was this? Why was it she always got her way no matter what? Was it that great to be a fucking star as she said? Did she give him this knowing that he'd come here eventually?
How fucking cruel.
He slackened his grip and dropped the emblem. He had lost his barrier — he had let herself hope — how stupid, how incredibly stupid he was to think that after everything he witnessed, he still believed she would return now, alive and well and even with her trademark "I'm sorry."
Something in him snapped: Why was he a victim of circumstances all the time? Why was it he, who was always alone had to shoulder everything? Why did he have to sacrifice everything? Why him?
Why?
Something resonated within him and the hollow numbness was overshadowed by an emotion he was familiar with.
In a rage, he sprinted forward and kicked the table over. There was loud bang on the table as his feet collided with it in agitation. Grabbing to the chair, he threw it across the room before he screamed — for the first time in many years since he lost himself when Isabel and Farlan died on the battlefield, Levi Ackerman cracked.
Mikasa came running through the corridor upon hearing the noises. "Corporal—" she stopped herself at the door, flinching when Levi violently tipped the dresser next, the wooden furniture crashing loudly on the ground. Another blood-curdling scream of frustration, one so painful she shuddered. She watched silently as he went on a blind rampage, destroying everything in the room.
"Why do I have to go with that disagreeable man?" she demanded quietly in a passive show of disagreement. "What about Eren?"
"Because you're the most level-headed among all of us here at the moment, Mikasa. It's only a short trip, you'd be back in a few hours." Hanji gave her a small smile, patting her on the shoulder. "...You'd know what to do."
Mikasa assumed she was supposed to stop him, to calm him down, to reason things with him as Hanji had expected her to do. But she couldn't find it in herself to stop him. Oddly, Mikasa understood him. She remembered the hollow numbness that seared through her body when she thought Eren had died back at Trost — and she remembered that feeling with fear every day.
If Eren died, it was clear to her that she would too.
It was said that power comes with a price. It's was a burden and it demands sacrifice. Mikasa understood this; she who was gifted with the same awaken power of the Ackermans as he had experienced it herself countless of time as he had.
There was a heavy expectation that came from power — people will always look up to you with those hopeful eyes filled with admiration and awe, as though you're unbreakable, godly, and so utterly perfect. She had seen it with her classmates back at training camp and she felt it when she joined the Survey Corps as well.
It was precisely because they were so strong that no one could ever imagine how utterly fragile they truly are. Their strength overshadowed everything, and soon everyone had forgotten that they too were made of clay.
So Mikasa walked away and let him mourn, for she knew that he deserved it, more than anyone else in the world.
For he had lost his brightest star.
A/N: Yay! This marks the end of Ida's backstory! The next official chapter will also mark the end of the Starke family arc and answer every question regarding Ida's family. Also… the official reunion will be next, haha, I promise! I'm really amped up to write some fluffy cute scenes, writing angst all the time makes me sad. ),:
As always, thank you for the support! Please take a little bit of time to leave a review if you could, I'd love to hear what you think and it's really helpful!
Guest review replies:
Holy: Thank you for the warm welcome back! I'm glad you smiled when Ida called Hanji her friend, their relationship wasn't as explored as the Levida, but I'm so glad you can see the fondness they have for each other! Fluff scenes are coming soon, I promise! Thanks for your review dear!
Selene: Happy belated birthday my dear, thank you for the review. I hope you had a great birthday! I'm glad I made your day as you had made mine with your review and sweet words. I missed you too, and your words mean so so much to me. You're loved too! Thank you so much. :3
Guest: I'm glad that this is your all-time favorite fanfiction and that you like it! Thanks for the review love! Sorry for the lack of updates though, I'll try to update more often. (:
Guest: *Hands tissues* Thank you for your review! I don't think I deserve your high praise, but I'm glad you found Levi accurate! One of the challenges was ensuring that Levi isn't OOC, and it being a romantic fic makes it all the more harder so I always appreciate feedback like this! Hope to see you around again!
Guest: Hi there! Thanks for your review, haha yes I really do focus on the whole 'desperation' theme of AOT. I live for it and I personally feel that it makes for great story-telling and character development too! I'm glad you found the characters in canon! I won't abandon this fanfic, no worries! Thanks for the review dear.
Tigaier: I was worried for Ida too actually! Yes, I know that I do need to work on grammar and proofreading, sorry about that. But I appreciate the feedback and I'll try to improve. Thank you so much for your kind advice and review! Oooo, mature stuff are definitely coming… I'm thinking of a cabin where they can be alone… maybe…? :P *hints*
111: *Gives eyedrops* Oh god, I know that feeling haha. Hello, new reader! Thank you for your feedback, dear! I hope you enjoy this update!
