Book Entry 11: Method of Protection

I wanted to take my words back. But there was a part of me that didn't want to take it back because it was the truth. I know that deep down, Sano still cares about his brother no matter how many times he confesses that he wants papa dead. I only know because of that dream that I had that led me to his aid.

After he left, I felt like crying. I wanted to cry of not only because his words were like poisonous needles, but because I made him hate me. Right when I thought that we might be close friends like I was hoping we could before he joined mama, I said one thing and he left me. The one word that stung the most was 'freak'. No matter who says it to me, it would always sting the most. Even more than when the humans call me 'Devil child' or 'heartless wretch'.

I put the plate of food on the side of me and I pulled my legs up to my chest. That was when I started crying. Then before I knew it, I felt cold yet familiar hand on my back. I sharply look up from it's touch and I saw mama. She has my plate of food on her lap and she's sitting next to me with her hand rubbing my back in comfort.

"Don't be sad, little one," she told me, her hand smoothing it's way from my back to my face. She lightly taps the tip of my nose and I stare up at her, completely surprise. The smile she has on her face, the tenderness in her eyes, it was a look of the mama I once had. Her smiles becomes sweeter when she said, "I know that what Envy said was harsh and cruel, but you know that he didn't mean it. He was just angry, that's all."

Then like every helpless child with his mother, I cried like a baby.

"But...but..." I tried to say, between sobs. "It was the truth. I know that he says he doesn't and that he's here because of that but I know deep inside, he still cares for his brother. They're all they have left. Why do they have to kill each other?"

Mama's hand was still on my back and she rubbed it in the most comforting way any mama would give to their child. "I know it's hard and it's cruel and that it's hard to understand, but that's how it is." I looked up at her and she still has that gentle, tender smile. "We all do what we have too to survive. I believe that the other reason why Envy is here is because he wants to live. You said so yourself that before he was terrified of everything around him and he didn't excel any further with his powers than level one before we met him. He came to me for encouragement and he's going to show how strong he really is by killing his brother."

"But it's wrong!" I tried to tell her. "How can family fight against one another? It's...it's...it's too cruel! I don't like it."

"Sometimes people fight against each other to protect the other."

When I heard that, I was greatly surprised and apparently, so was she. She gasp in surprise as if she realized that what she just said did not come out of her own mouth and it was someone else talking instead of her.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she apologized. "I have no idea what just came over me. But I guess what I just said was also part truth. Sometimes we end up hating people because we love them so much and sometimes we fight them because we want to protect them. If I had someone like that, like someone who I really cared about and wanted to protect with my body and soul, someone who I would be devastated about if that person got hurt, someone of my own flesh and blood, I would make them hate me so that person could be better off and I would fight against that person to protect them from something much worst. Love comes in both joyful ways and painful ways. It's bliss when someone you love loves you, and it's painful to know that that person could easily be destroyed completely because of the love you shared together."

Hearing her say those words was like hearing a message I learned long ago but completely forgot about it because of the events that took place. At least there was one thing I did remember when I was reminded of the message. The message came from the story that mama always told me when she would talk about papa. she told me that papa kept trying numerous methods to make her hate him and one of them worked. But before she became willing to hate him, the love she didn't realized she had with papa nearly killed her when he told her that he hated her. She accidently cut her wrists, glass penetrated her feet, and she fell of a twenty story building. She also told me that she would have died in the hospital, but papa pulled her out of it. Love nearly killed her that day, but it also saved her. As I was also listening to this message, I started to wonder that maybe mama left was because she was following papa's example of how to protect someone. She was a victim of this kind of protecting and yet she decided to use it despite the amount of pain she received from it. Was that the reason...why she left me?

I slowly nod. "I believe I understand. But I still don't like it."

From my back, I felt her hand smooth it's way to my head and she started to gently pet it.

"One day, you'll understand," she told me. "You're still only a child. I know that what's happening now is making you believe that you have to grow up and get a grip on reality, but please try to keep some childish traits. No child should ever grow up so quickly."

I stared at her for a moment and then I looked back down at the ground. Mama, rather she remembers me or not, she always knew what to say and they always make me feel good. I feel a little better now but I still feel a little lost and confused, like I didn't know exactly what to do anymore.

"Thank you," I told her. "For everything, but I..." I didn't think I needed to say anymore. She understood immediately.

"You want to go back to the others, don't you?" she asked me. Feeling a bit guilty because now it feels like I'm leaving mama behind, I nodded. She stared at me for the longest time with a blank expression.

Then I added, "I also think it would be best if I leave Sano alone for a while. Some space might be good because I don't want him to hate me."

This time, she smiled at my decision. "I did say not to grow up too fast, but I think I may have spoken too late."

After that, she got up, my unfinished plate in her hand and she flouted in mid air, or rather flew. She used her free arm to wrap it around me and we both glided down to the ground. But instead of putting me on the ground, she still held me as she putted the plate on the bed. She hugged me with both arms and when I realized that this might be the last time I might ever hold her like this again, I held her back. I didn't want to leave. I really didn't want to but there are so many other people wondering where I am, one of them being papa. This is like a child being torn from divorced parents and I'm choosing papa because he already lost so much.

Mama told me, "I'll have Greed escort you back." When I heard that, I flinched. She was going to let one of her blood thirsty, uncontrollable minions to take me back. She felt my tension. "Don't worry. She had enough blood and I'll tell her not to harm you. Just think of the place you want to be dropped off at and she'll teleport you there." Her hold got a little tighter and she whispered, "My door will always be open to you, even after I tried to kill you."

Even as a devil princess, she's still so kind.

After that, she put me down on the ground and the door opened. When I looked, I was hoping that it was Sano but as if mama gave a silent, telepathic order, Greed was there at the door looking like she just came out of the water as always and looking as fine as can be. I was disappointed to see her and then I was terrified because she was looking at me with eyes of surprise and then hunger. I quickly hid behind mama's leg out of habit and she giggled from my reaction.

"Greed, be nice. I didn't tell you to come here to eat him," she told her. "I would like you to escort him back home."

Greed asks her, "Why don't you?" Mama didn't answer right away.

I looked up at mama and I saw her looking to the side like she was hiding something. She was thinking about papa and the kiss they had. She didn't want to escort me home because we might arrive where papa will be. She can't face papa right now after what happened.

She looked back at Greed and told her, "I have my reasons," as calm and un-secretive as she can. "Now be a good girl and take this boy home, unharmed."

Greed let out a stubborn sigh and answers, "Alright, my lady."

Mama told her, "Greed, I'm not your lady, remember? I'm you sister." Then she looks back down at me and kneels down in front of me. She tapped her finger on my nose again and said, "Remember what I said, okay Kish?"

I felt like crying but I knew I was going to see her again, only under worst circumstances. Still I nodded without shedding a tear. She must have known that I wanted to cry because she smiled at me ever so gently and ever so sweet.

Then she pushed me towards Greed and I walked towards her, still afraid and now Greed is looking at me with eyes of irritation - only because she can't eat me. She let out one more sigh and then she kneels down to my level so that she can harshly grab my arm. Her hand felt wet and really cold. It made me shiver but I remembered mama's words about thinking of a place for Greed to drop me off and I thought of my sanctuary, the healing room.

As Greed was teleporting us to the healing room, I was hoping that no one was inside. I sort of didn't want to answer so many questions about why I was mama and Greed or I might not be able to keep mama's offer to me a secret. I just had a feeling what I saw here must be kept to myself, although they might not feel the same. Soon Wrath's old red room changed to the familiar features of the healing room and I felt a bit relieved to be back here. My sanctuary...

Now as I was standing at the corner of the healing room, I was half expecting Greed to be on her way and teleport back to her home bust instead she stood up straight rather too slowly for normal and when I looked up at her, her eyes were wide with surprise and her mouth was open in surprise. I was confused at what could have caused her to go into shock and when she took a step forward and then another, I looked up at where she's heading for and I knew. She was heading for Pai's healer and Pai who's laying inside through a glass lid. He looked like he was merely asleep and on his charts, his blood amount only rose up to ten percent. It was better than the three percent that he started with after he was bitten.

I continued to watch, actually grateful that no one else is in the room beside me and her and the recovery people. Greed stood in front of Pai and placed her hands on the glass lid, allowing some water to drip down the lid. She was looking at Pai in surprise and then confusion.

"P-Pai...san..."

Papa, before he lost his memories, told us that Greed and Sloth were the ones who bit Pai and Taruto but they bit them from behind. They didn't see their faces and seeing Greed now, if they did they would have recognized them and remembered their old selves. I only continued to watch as soon Greed's once cruel and hungry expression tenders into a kind and sincere face, the face of Aunty Lettuce. Her eyes then clouded with tears, I think. It was hard to tell when her whole body is wet all the time. But I knew they were tears, especially when they looked so sad and full of regret when she covered her mouth and stood back.

"Oh my god! What have I done?"

That was all I needed. Aunty Lettuce was coming back right in front of me.

"Aunty Lettuce!" I called, softly. She looked at me as if she just realized that I was here and I told her, "They came back, like they promised."

"B-But I..." She was going to say that she hurt him and that she can't forgive herself for doing that but I went up to her and cling to her dress.

"It wasn't your fault," I told her. "You couldn't control yourself and you wouldn't have known that it was him from behind. But right now, that doesn't matter. He needs you now more than anything." She just stared at me with wide eyes as if there was some truth to my words.

Then we heard the door open.

Aunty Lettuce quickly reacted by ducking behind the healer and we both look from behind to see papa coming in and closing the door behind him. He leaned on the door in frustration and he mumbled something. Then he turned around and punched the wall. I flinched when I saw that and he mumbled some more. But I couldn't hear.

"He doesn't remember Ichigo, does he?"

I looked up at Aunty Lettuce when she whispered to me. She looked at me for an answer and I sadly nodded. Her eyes were full of sympathy then. Then I quickly told her, "Come back tomorrow." She was surprised when I said that. "They would be keeping a watch on the humans and I'm the only one in here. Come and see him. He needs you by his side."

Papa must have heard us.

"Who's there?"

Both Aunty Lettuce and I flinched when we heard him, especially when we started to hear footsteps coming towards us. If he catches us, he's gonna think that Greed is here for ransom or something so I quickly mouthed to Aunty Lettuce, "Go!" She nodded and then teleported away, leaving some trails of water in her place.

When she left, I took in a breath and let it out. I needed to calm down and prepare myself. When I was ready, I peeked out from behind the healer and I saw papa not too far from me. He was shocked to see me.

"Kish?" he asks, just to be sure.

I came out a little more and I asked, "Yes, Uncle Kisshu?" Then I was in his arms.

"Oh thank goodness," he breathed out, relieved to see me. I hugged him back, mostly out of apology for making him worry. Then he pulled me back and asked, "Are you alright? Are you hurt anywhere?"

I was half expecting, 'What the heck was the big idea running away like that?', at least that I was expecting this forgetful version of papa to ask me. But instead he asked me about my well being.

I answered, "I'm fine. I didn't mean to make you worry."

He must have seen my bruise because he had one hand go to my face and he moved it to the side where my bruise is. I gasped when he was examining it and he looked angry. "They did this to you, didn't they?"

I tensed up instantly and quickly told him, "I didn't even Lust today! This was an accident."

"I wasn't talking about her."

Then a click was heard in my head. That was why he didn't ask me why I ran away. He already knew. He knew that the humans attack me. But yet again, how can he not know? They basically screaming about everything, especially about me, the 'devil's child'.

Then he got up and mumbled, "I'm gonna give every one of those humans a piece of my mind! They've gone too far!!"

I quickly jumped on his leg and held him back. He only stopped because he felt me hugging his leg. I'm not strong enough to completely stop him. I pleaded, "Please don't! I'm perfectly fine."

"That's not the point, Kish!" he yelled. "All fricken day you're stuck in this room because of those damn humans!" Apparently, he's too angry to worry about his swearing right now. Not that I mind anyway. "They keep calling you 'devil's child' when they don't even know the real you! Then they got the nerve to scare you off by hitting you with a rock! You could have gotten serious hurt and then I..." He stopped himself there for a minute. When I looked back up at him, he looked like he was trying to say the right words but it was a little hard. Why do grown men have such a hard time saying what they want to say from the heart? "I might go on a killing spree. Damn it! There was a reason why I hated humans before!"

"And now?" I asked him. He looked back down at me and I said, "Why do you protect them now?" He looks surprise by my question. That or he was surprised that he didn't have an answer.

"I..I don't know."

I knew. It was because before, he thought mama was human. The one person more important to him than his own life was human.