A/N: So after lots of careful thought, I've decided there will in fact be only two chapters more of this fic, including this one. So just this chapter and an epilogue. I hope you guys enjoy, because this is my longest chapter yet of this fic!
Eren had scrambled to pack his things and book a plane ticket for the first flight out the moment Hanji had called him with the news. He had thrown things into his suitcase with the fervor of one possessed, hands shaking. Once he had packed, he had explained to Armin on the phone on his way out of the dorms in a rush why he was leaving and that he'd call him when he could letting him know when he'd be back, before he had been out the door and hailing an Uber to take him to airport. Once he had boarded his plane, it was a five hour trip with just his buzzing thoughts and Hanji's words to him over the phone as company.
"It's Levi. We haven't seen him for days in his tank. We've been trying to get him out, and he attacked Moblit today. Last we saw him, he didn't look good. He's been self-harming and….I'm worried he's in a bad way down there, and that's why he's not coming out. You're the only person I can think of that'll be able to get him out of that cave."
He's sick or hurt, he told himself, resisting the urge to bang his head against the window of the plane in frustration and self-hatred. Instead, he gripped his own thighs tightly, digging his nails into the flesh above his knee. The pain soothed him for a brief moment, before his thoughts started right back up again. He's dying down there. He's already dead. There'll be nothing you can do for him once you get down there. It's too late.
He gripped his pendant tight, his stone and the seashell Levi had given him digging into the skin of his palm, praying with everything he had that he was wrong.
By the time he landed, Eren had worked himself up into a fit of self-hatred and panic, the feelings hot and prickly as he paced back and forth while he waited for his suitcase like a caged animal, hands dug into his jacket pockets. He could actively feel his throat trying to close as he fought to breathe normally, to not give into the awful fear so that he could function normally when he got to the aquarium, for Levi's sake.
Luckily, by the time he got his suitcase and headed for the exit, Sasha was there waiting for him, thankfully not wasting their time with many words beyond a quick greeting before packing him into the driver's seat of her car, and speeding away from the curb as fast as she dared. The drive to the aquarium was spent in silence, Eren thankful for this fact because he was far too afraid that if he opened his mouth he might throw up all over the floor of the car from the nerves that were squeezing his stomach relentlessly, or that he might fly into a rage, or pass out from a panic attack, and he knew Sasha didn't want to deal with any of those things any more than he did. He didn't even see the lovely springtime scenery whipping past the window, blinded as he was by his vicious thoughts, which were screaming at him over and over again the same thing.
You did this to him, you did this. It's your fault. You did this. If he's hurt or sick, it's because of you.
If he dies, or if he's already dead, it's because of you.
By the time they finally arrived to the Sina aquarium, Eren felt dizzy, all the blood draining from his extremities as hyperventilation began to set in. He was beyond dying to hop out of the car, and he did so before it even stopped fully, Sasha exclaiming for him to wait as she almost ran over his foot with the tire. He shook his limbs for a moment as she placed it in park, trying to get the feeling back in them, stumbling a bit like he was drunk instead of trying to maintain a proper breathing pattern. He limped his way to the aquarium back doors, Sasha forced to sprint after him, holding him up as he tripped over barrier between the inside of the building and the outside pavement.
Thankfully, Sasha didn't bother trying to tell him to slow down after that. Instead, she just jogged alongside him to match his long strides, apologizing to people he pushed his way past and helping him when he stumbled or tripped to remain upright. It was only when he reached the lab successfully did she take her leave, figuring her job was done and being far too nervous to witness what was going to happen when Eren did in fact see the extent of Levi's condition. So, she ran out of the dimly lit hallway as quickly as possible.
Eren for his part didn't even notice when Sasha left. And the moment he saw Hanji and Moblit, before they could even utter a word, he was demanding, "Where's a wetsuit and scuba gear? We're wasting time standing here, we gotta"-
"Eren, Eren, easy," Hanji held up her hand in a placating gesture. "I'm not letting you go in that tank until you calm down."
Rather than helping, those words had the exact opposite effect. Eren swelled and his eyes narrowed, before he rounded on the both of them, shouting, "How the fuck can I be calm right now? I've been on the verge of screaming or throwing up the entire way here! Do you know how much I've been fighting taking my keys and digging them into my thighs to punish myself because…because"-
And with those words, he very suddenly deflated, his expression changing abruptly into one of deep sorrow. His body seemed to collapse on itself, the boy sinking to his knees and his shouts transforming into a choked, angry sob, though no longer directed at Moblit or Hanji, but rather at himself. The two of them raced over to him, Hanji kneeling down next to him while Moblit hovered, ready to act if Hanji gave him the word. They both began to ask if he was okay, but stopped once his tears picked up in earnest.
"This is my fault," he cried, harshly wiping at his eyes, "all of it. God fucking dammit, can I do nothing right? Can I really prevent nobody from getting hurt because of my stupid decisions? First me, then Levi, what the hell is wrong with me? I should be fucking shot if he's sick or worse because I was too selfish to stay here with him, I don't deserve to live"-
"Eren!" Hanji exclaimed in alarm as she grabbed by his shoulders and gave him a shake, "That's enough!"
He stopped his babbling the moment she put her hands on him, as if he had literally been shaken out of his self-loathing stupor. His eyes cleared minutely, though his hot tears still flowed fast down his cheeks as he stared at her, expression lost, and Hanji knew she had to be very careful in choosing her next words, because they could either motivate Eren to help his friend who needed him desperately or break the poor boy in front of her.
"Alright," she began in a low voice, "Now you listen to me and you listen good. You've been going to see that psychologist of yours for close to eight months now, and I can't believe that she wouldn't tell you that a situation like this isn't your fault. Yes, Levi missed you, and that pain probably contributed to him hurting himself"-
Eren winced, and started to pull away from her, but Hanji held firm.
"-but let me emphasize, you cannot make someone hurt themselves. He made that decision all on his own. And you know what, as hard as it is to hear, if it hadn't been you leaving, he might have found another trigger that would have brought about this kind of behavior. You should know that better than anyone. You care about him deeply, but you can't stay with him all the time. You need to live your life, and Levi knows that, of course he does. And you did everything you could to keep in touch with him so that he wouldn't miss you as much, but unfortunately, university work and your future comes before relationships. You are not selfish, you are not uncaring, and his faulty coping mechanisms are not your fault."
Eren shook his head, still unconvinced. "But-But…"
She squeezed his shoulders, silencing him, and fixed him with a harder stare. "Look at it this way," Hanji explained seriously, "Reiner didn't make you hurt yourself, did he? The stress from living with him did, but not Reiner himself. He didn't tell you to cut yourself, you made that decision. Do you understand?"
The boy's breathing began to pick up a bit, his heart pounding. She wasn't comparing him to his ex, was she? The very thought made him feel ill. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, his shoulders rising and falling with the effort, and he kept his eyes fixed on the ground between them for a bit, staring at their knees. But he was just like Reiner in that way, he figured. He had driven Levi to cut himself, even if he hadn't meant to. Hanji saw his face blanch, and then must have realized what she said, because her eyes widened with alarm and she tried to backpedal.
"Oh my God, no," she gasped, "No, no I didn't mean that you're like Reiner, that's not- shit, I'm sorry Eren. I didn't mean it that way. I only meant that there was nothing you could have done for Levi, there really wasn't. What happened wasn't your fault. I promise it wasn't your fault."
Her words didn't make him feel better, but they did help to ground him a bit more, until he was certain he could look at her in the eye and nod slightly.
"Well, regardless," Moblit said from his place beside them, "we need to get Eren in that tank ASAP. If you'll be okay in here for a minute, Hanji and I will go grab your scuba gear."
Eren sniffed and shakily got to his feet. "Yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine."
He and Hanji gave him one last concerned look before leaving the lab, and Eren heard their footsteps echoing down the hallway as they sprinted away.
They were soon back with a wetsuit and scuba gear, letting Eren get on the wetsuit before helping him with the gear while they walked to the tank. The shakiness was back in Eren's limbs, an odd, numb, tingly feeling also taking up residence in them. His heart pounded irregularly, painfully, and suddenly he was terrified once more. He could feel himself on the verge of a panic attack the entire walk to the tank, until the tank itself was in his sight. And then, oddly, as soon as that familiar blue glow of the water washed over him and he took in the sight of Levi's still, silent cave, he felt the fear begin to drain out of him, little by little. Perhaps it was because, when he saw just how quiet everything in the tank was, how eerily similar it was compared to the first time he had, that the reality fully sunk in.
The yellow caution tape was even back on the walls surrounding the viewing glass.
He felt his heart skip a few beats in his chest from the horror of the sight, before he forced himself to take several deep breaths once more. That, more than anything, reinforced that he needed to get ahold of himself. He could panic later. Now, Levi needed him just as badly as he had nearly a year ago when they had first met. Perhaps even more so now.
As he walked up the familiar set of stairs, Hanji and Moblit following behind him and offering him instruction on how he should approach Levi, Eren found that he heard absolutely none of it; it was as if he was already underwater, their voices sounding far away and muted. Whatever they were telling him, for some reason, it didn't matter to him at the moment. As he finally came to the top of the stairs and gazed at the surface of the water, strangely still and shimmering with the artificial lights that hung above them, his mind went blissfully blank. For a moment, there was only him, the water, and a burning sense of purpose.
Even Hanji and Moblit went quiet for a moment as they watched Eren stare at the water, unblinking for a moment. Before they could ask if he was okay, he turned around to face them and murmured, "Okay, I'm ready."
Both of them sighed with relief, before Hanji handed Eren his flippers and Moblit did one last check to make sure that his gear was in good working order. There was another beat of silence, and then Eren tipped backwards off of the end of the pathway and disappeared under the water in a cloud of bubbles.
000
Both time and space had ceased to have any meaning a long time ago for Levi. Being in his cave, he felt as though he was suspended in a single, endless night. A second was measured as the space between his each drawn out throbbing of his tail. Other than that, he had no way to tell how much time had passed since he had hidden away from the outside world, too ashamed to face it anymore. And now, he was so weak that even if he wanted to, he couldn't.
He knew what was wrong with him, or at least, he had an idea. The weakness had of course started when he stopped eating, but it had grown exponentially worse when his tail had begun hurting like it had. Some of the areas he had chewed on weren't healing like they should have been, instead only growing more painful, tender and hot to the touch as the days wore on. It hurt to swim for long periods of time, then he could only do so for short periods of time with frequent rests, then it hurt to swim at all. Once that started, he had holed himself up in his cave and laid down on the soft area that was supposed to be his bed, hoping the cool water inside the cave would soothe the hot wounds on his tail, but it was doing next to nothing. In fact, now there was a sour smell filling the cave now that made his nose wrinkle, and he wished there was a way he could get away from it. This was aside from the smell of his own piss and shit that surrounded him; he was so weak he couldn't even get up to use the bathroom anymore, and his own excrement floating in the water couldn't have been helping his wounds any.
However, what really scared him was that lately, in addition to the horrendous, steady pain that had taken away his ability to swim, he had begun to feel ill as well.
It had only started a day or so ago, if he were to guess, but already it was so bad. He was shivering as if he had been dropped in the middle of the Arctic, his muscles aching, and yet he felt a veil of humid heat surrounding his cheeks and forehead. His breaths felt too hot in his throat, his eyes too hot in their sockets, and his skin too tight for his body. Levi had been sick before, but never like this, never where he felt like he was so terribly, bone deep exhausted that it was too much effort to even think. Instead, his thoughts hung listlessly in his head, no motivation to string themselves together into coherent sentences.
Levi felt a sudden spasm in his hollow gut, a throbbing that seemed to engulf his entire upper body. His abdomen muscles, now stretched far too tight over his protruding ribs, clenched warningly, and he knew what was coming. However, he no longer had the strength or the will to lift himself up while he vomited, and he knew nothing would be coming out anyway. He only had the chance to moan pathetically into the silence before he began retching, still laying there, boneless, on his side, head thankfully propped above the water by a moss covered stone. He felt bile burn its way up, and he spat it out of his mouth. That was all that came up, and yet his stomach still kept clenching, and it was horrid, alien feeling. Levi cursed his body for doing this, to hurt him for no reason by trying to rid itself of something that just wasn't there. It felt like it went on forever before it ceased at last, leaving him to moan in agony, his wounds throbbing even worse now.
He lay there for several moments afterward, panting, the sound hurting his pounding head as it echoed off the walls. He shivered uncontrollably and found himself whimpering as he did so; even shivering hurt.
Levi wished he had the strength to get up and swim to the surface. He just wanted help from someone, he didn't care who it was anymore. But it was too late now, he figured. What a way to die, alone and in the dark, surrounded by his own waste and vomit. Certainly not how he imagined it. Rather, lately, he had imagined passing away softly in Eren's arms with his boy's face being the last thing he saw, his smell in his nose comforting him as he took his last breath.
Oh well, he thought with a sigh. At least he'd be able to see his mother again. These years without her had been so exhausting….
His breath rattled loudly in his ears as he faced the entrance to the cave, his eyes feeling heavier and heavier, consciousness drifting further away. So it was no surprise that when he first heard the water being disturbed outside his cave, he thought he had imagined it. But no, there it was again. Something was clearly there. Instinct told him it was a predator that knew he was weak and had come to finish him off, but logic told him that was impossible. Still, his instincts screamed at him that he couldn't afford to show weakness. He lifted his head from the stone as far as he could and began snarling, though it sounded far too soft and pitiful to his own ears, almost a purr rather than a threat. His upper lip twitched, but he knew his enemy would barely be able to see his teeth. Yet, he kept it up, not knowing what else to do.
When a dark figure in scuba gear rose a few feet away from him, his growling picked up, though it still sounded terribly pathetic, and he tried to look as menacing as he could. Though the effect was ruined by how heavy his eyelids felt, falling into slits as he fought the urge to pass out. He was helpless as the person raised a hand, and Levi prepared for the worst.
However, when the person took off his mask and revealed his face, the mermaid became convinced that he must have died hours ago, and that this was heaven.
"Levi, it's me," the boy above him was saying gently, trying to appease him, "It's me. I came back. You-oh God, look at you, what a mess. Oh Levi, Levi I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. Levi look at me, please look at me…"
But Levi couldn't look at him. His eyelids felt like they had been weighed down by boulders, and they closed without his consent. His mind drifted, and he felt as if he was already floating, a ringing beginning in his ears. He thought he felt someone trying to shake his shoulders, but it was most likely just part of his rapidly forming dream. And so were the next, beautiful words that he could have sworn were whispered right in his ear.
"Hold onto me, Levi. This time, I'm going to be the one to save you from drowning."
000
"-isn't good, we need"-
"My fault, this is my fault, if I hadn't"-
"-ault. Shit his pulse is so weak"-
When Levi woke, he thought he was still floating inside a dream for several minutes. However, this illusion was quickly shattered when he felt an agonizing bolt of pain in his lower body, so intense that he screamed himself into full consciousness and began thrashing, trying to escape the source without even knowing where he was. The second thing he became aware of was he was laying on something ice cold and hard, something that sapped away at his body heat rapidly. He jerked his tail, trying to swim away, but he felt no water moving beneath it. Growing more panicked, he jerked it again, still crying out shrilly.
"Levi! Levi no, calm down!" he heard a voice above his head shout over the noise, and then suddenly, he felt a pair of hands on his shoulders, gently trying to hold him still. He didn't have to look at the person to know it was Eren; he'd be able to recognize his boy even if he had gone completely blind and deaf.
The adrenaline left Levi pretty quickly, his energy reserves dangerously low in his deprived body. In no time at all, he was forced to lay still, panting, his protruding ribs heaving up and down. Eren's face entered his blurry vision, expression so worried that it broke the mermaid's heart. He could see that he was still in his wetsuit, and that his hair was even still wet.
"Shh," he hushed him, brushing the hair away from the mermaid's damp forehead, "Easy now. It's okay, I'm here. You're in one of the exam rooms. Hanji and Moblit are trying to get a vet in here for you."
Levi's cries tapered out into little whimpers as Eren's voice grounded him, reducing his panic enough so that he could think coherently enough to form words between their bodies. "What's going on?"
Eren kept stroking his hair out of his forehead, and the motion calmed Levi a little further. "We're not sure. We didn't get much of a look at your tail, but we don't need to know that something is really wrong. You're sick and hurt. We need a vet to look at you so we can see how to make you better."
The mermaid wasn't entirely sure what he was talking about, but he trusted him. Anything that would make him better, he didn't care what it was at this point. If they wanted to go ahead and cut his tail off at this point he would gladly let them do it. He tried to nose his way closer to Eren on the table, but it was difficult to do so, impossible even when he felt so weak. However, the boy got the message and scooted closer up to the table, placing a hand against Levi's feverish cheek, stroking it as gently as he could. He wanted to say so many things to the mermaid, but he looked so bleary and out of it that he didn't think any of it would register. So he kept his mouth clenched shut, providing as much physical comfort as he could.
Within moments, he saw the vet enter the room with the two scientists trailing behind. Levi lifted his head the tiniest bit, rolling his eyes down so that he could see what was going on, but too soon, he was forced to lay it back down again. Eren leaned down and grabbed a couple of towels that he had used to dry his hair, placing them under Levi's head to take the strain off his neck. Luckily, the vet wasted no time and began his exam as quickly as possible. Eren recognized him vaguely, knowing he had helped the dolphins that had been Levi's neighbors recover from their ordeal.
"Well, it's easy to see just from looking at his tail that it's infected," the vet pointed out. "Yeah, ugh, look, there's puss coming out of the wound, and it's raised and red, and it smells pretty bad. The way the wound is shaped, it looks like something bit him."
"He must have done it," Hanji explained. "He's been self-harming for weeks now."
"Ah, that explains it. The bacteria in his mouth probably caused the infection then. And the infection is causing the high body temperature. I can feel the heat radiating off of him from here. I wouldn't be shocked if he had sepsis at this point, but only a blood test will be able to confirm that."
"Oh shit, he's not going to like that," Moblit warned.
Levi wasn't exactly sure what a blood test entailed, but he felt everyone's apprehension in the room, and he suddenly grew unsettled again. He looked at everyone with huge, scared eyes, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he fought the panic. At the edge of his vision, he saw the vet moving around, Hanji assisting him, but couldn't see exactly what he was doing. A second later, he felt a sharp poke directly into his tail fluke, and he let out a shriek that was so shrill and sharp from the shock that everyone froze and covered their ears. Levi tried to get away from the source of the pain, tail thrashing, teeth bared. He heard a few things clatter to the ground, and he knew he must have knocked a few things off of the exam table. Everyone was suddenly standing up at once to try and calm him down. Surrounded on all sides, Levi felt closed in, threatened, and he lashed out, sinking his teeth into the first object that got in his way.
However, he let go immediately when he heard Eren yelp in pain and stagger backwards, clutching his forearm. Blood seeped through his fingers, and Hanji quickly raced over to grab him a towel to press against the wound. Levi stilled immediately, his stomach dropping when the sight of the pain on Eren's face registered. In fact, he went so still that the vet quickly swooped in and finished his job of taking blood from his fluke. Levi didn't even flinch.
His boy looked up at him, his face white, his mouth set into a hard grimace, and yet, to his astonishment, Levi could see that he was trying to smile at him.
"It's okay," he was trying to reassure him over Moblit's shoulder, "I'm not mad, kid. That was our fault, I'm sorry. We should have known better."
Levi made a high keening noise in his throat, guilt choking him, but before he could begin to apologize, Moblit was pulling Eren out of the room.
No, oh please don't leave me again. Please not again…
He reached for Eren, trying to scoot off the table to follow him, but someone held him down, and he had no choice to obey. The mermaid was then left alone with the vet and Hanji, but soon even the vet left him, carrying Levi's vial of blood to the lab, while Hanji remained behind, sitting up by Levi's head.
"They'll be back," she reassured him, "just give them a few minutes. I know Eren would fight his way past all of us before he let you go through this alone."
The twenty minutes Levi remained in that room alone save for the scientist, whom he mostly ignored anyway, felt like an eternity. He never broke his stare with the door Eren had disappeared through, whining anxiously the entire time and trying to lift his head off from the table every time he heard a noise that might signal his boy's return. Hanji pushed him down every time and even returned the damp towels under his head. When Eren finally turned, he began whimpering weakly and apologetically, reaching for his boy, even more so when he saw the giant white bandage that was now wrapped around his boy's arm. Eren took Hanji's place beside him, a soft smile still in place as he reached out to stroke Levi's hair again.
"It's alright," he told him. "They said I get to keep the arm. I just got the wound cleaned and got a shot of some antibiotics. It should be all good."
Levi nosed his way towards Eren's bandage, giving it a couple of tiny licks. And then, to Eren's surprise, he began to purr, holding Eren's arm against his throat so he could feel the vibrations all the way up his shoulder and down into his chest. But the boy knew what he was doing, and he felt his heart stutter when the realization hit him. Levi was trying to speed up the healing of his wound; just as a cat's purring helps to heal their bodies when they're sick or injured, so did a mermaid's purr. But the purr was so weak and watery sounding, like Levi was using all of his available strength to try and heal his boy…it broke Eren's heart, and he gently told him, "You don't have to do that, Levi. I'm not mad at you, and I'll be okay. Moblit and I joked back there that we'll have matching scars now. It's just another way I'll get to carry you with me, you know?"
Levi didn't respond, except to purr harder, going from sounding his lungs were full of water to a dying motor, and he continued to hold Eren's arm.
Eren didn't pull away either, not even when the vet came back twenty minutes later and confirmed their fears; Yes, Levi had sepsis. But the good news was, he was still near the beginning of it.
"The bad news is, in order to treat him for that and the infection, we're going to have to remove the infected tissue and clean the wound," the vet explained.
The boy felt Levi stop purring immediately when he said those words, and he stiffened up imperceptibly, tightening his grip on Eren's arm against his throat. He glanced up at his boy with terrified eyes and began whining pitifully, understanding enough that whatever they were going to do next, he wasn't going to like it. Seeing this, Eren pulled his hand away slightly so that he could also grip Levi's hand, instead of Levi gripping his forearm, and asked on the mermaid's behalf, "So, wait, what does that mean?"
"It means," the vet said, rifling around the new tray he had brought with him, "that I'm going to have to operate. Which is going to be difficult, considering I hear he doesn't respond well to anesthetic. So we're just going to have to give him the local anesthetic, which won't put him to sleep, but will numb the area where I'm working, and we're going to have to keep injecting him as it begins to wear off."
Levi's whining picked up when the vet began asking Moblit and Hanji for their help in prepping for surgery; cleaning their arms, slapping on scrubs, and putting up a curtain that covered Levi's lower half so the mermaid couldn't see what was happening. His heart rate spiked dramatically, when he saw all manner of shiny, sharp instruments being placed on the tray, even more so when they handed Eren a pair of scrubs and told him to put them on over his wet suit and he was forced to let go of the mermaid's hand. He began to shriek and tried to wiggle away again, away from the vet and towards Eren. The boy held up his hands, pausing in this changing, his mouth already forming reassurances that he was hurrying, he'd be back by Levi's side in a second, but instead, Hanji came over to stand by the mermaid's side, placing a hand on his shoulder. Levi glanced up at her, and while his whining diminished at the contact, it didn't stop completely.
"It's okay, Levi, he'll be right up here with you the whole time," she told him soothingly.
"Is that where you guys want me during this?" Eren asked as he put the surgical cap in his head.
Hanji nodded. "I think that would be wisest. Just stay up here by Levi, keep him as calm as you can. Wet him down when he gets too dry. You know the drill. We're going to try and make this as fast and easy as possible, okay?"
Eren answered, "Alright," while Levi pretended she wasn't there, too wrapped up in his fear to really respond. Nevertheless, Hanji still squeezed his shoulder comfortingly, before wishing him good luck and going back behind the curtain.
When Levi began to shake from the sheer terror of the situation and his own helplessness, Eren quickly sat back down by his head and took his hand again, saying, "You heard her. I'm not going to leave you. Whatever you need, I'm here, Levi. I'm right here."
The mermaid continued to shiver, but squeezed Eren's hand a little tighter, and pulled it closer to himself until his forearm was tucked under his chin, bracing for what was to come.
When he felt another needle prick his tail near the place where his infection raged, Levi yelped like an startled dog, but he didn't move. He quickly flicked his eyes up to Eren's face, squeezed his hand tightly, and found the strength to keep still as stone. The sound pierced Eren's heart, and he swore he could feel the mermaid's temperature spike from the stress. He leaned over and came up with a wet rag, dabbing it on Levi's neck and shoulders, and Levi found it just the tiniest bit soothing. After having been out of the water for so long, it was a relief to feel it again. But that was only the first few minutes.
Soon after, the numbing agent began to take effect, a feeling that ripped its way down his tail and spread all the way to the tips of his flukes. It was so odd, so uncomfortable that it was almost painful, and awfully frightening, to suddenly not be able to feel the entire lower half of his body. Immediately, it brought up flashbacks of when he had firs met Eren and his dad had numbed up his tail so that he could sew his wounds shut. Perhaps they were going to do that now for him.
The first few pokes to his tail came soon after, and while they weren't necessarily painful, they were desperately uncomfortable, making his stomach do all sorts of queasy flips and his pulse pound hard enough that it was visible in his neck. All Levi could feel was foreign pressure that made his skin crawl and set his nerves on edge. He panted hard, squeezing Eren's hand so tightly that his friend's bones creaked, and he knew he had to let up otherwise he risked breaking them. So, to take the pressure off, he tried to bite at his own arm, mouthing the skin. Eren saw this and immediately stopped it, pulling Levi's forearm away from his mouth and replacing it with another towel, which he reluctantly took in his mouth and chewed on instead.
After a little while, Levi almost began to relax, ignoring the awful smells of the surgery and finding a rhythm with the pressure of the instruments as they poked around at his flesh. His mind was on high alert for so long and his body so stiff with preparation for fight or flight when he could do neither, and lacking the energy to stay too on edge for long, his body seemed to give up when it realized the pain wasn't coming. Still, he very much wanted the whole thing to be over with as soon as possible, and he very much appreciated Eren staying with him. His boy had draped himself over Levi, holding his upper body against his own chest and covering him protectively so his mermaid didn't have to look at the outside world. He spoke to him softly the entire time about happier times they shared that summer; playing with Fern, Levi trying tea and chocolate for the first time, the two of them swimming together on those bright, shiny afternoons…it all came together to form a warm, lovely picture in his mind only made more vivid by Eren's soothing voice.
He was trying so hard to lose himself in the fantasy his boy was trying to create for him, so caught up in the warm darkness and Eren's musky scent that at first he didn't notice that the anesthetic was beginning to wear off.
When the pinching turned into more vivid, blinding pain, he began to shriek shrilly again, spitting the towel out and wriggling on the table in an effort to escape it. He kept crying and crying, tears welling in his eyes, begging for Eren to help him without words. When his boy pulled back, he gazed directly into his face, eyes huge and pleading.
"What's wrong?" Eren asked loudly over the mermaid's shrieking. "Are you hurting? Do you feel like you're going to be sick?
Levi nodded, though he was so weak and so overcome by pain at that moment that his head did little more than twitch downwards once or twice. He could hear the vet, Hanji and Moblit trying to soothe him as well, telling him to calm down and lay still, that they weren't finished yet, but Levi didn't want to hear it. He wanted this to be over now, and if it went on for much longer he was sure he was going to pass out. Or his heart would simply give out from the strain. He had to let Eren know what was wrong, otherwise one or both things might happen.
And now that he had Eren back, he most definitely was not ready to die yet.
Slowly, he chanced letting go Eren's hand, his pulse beating unevenly in his throat as he lost the comforting contact, everything screaming in him to latch back on, it was the only way he was going to survive this. But no, he had to, had to let Eren know what was going on. And his poor boy looked so worried when he let go, his eyes reflecting Levi's own fear…so, with trembling hands, he signed both "needle" and "hurts," repeating "hurts" several times in a row. As soon as he understood, Eren yelled down towards the vet frantically, "Stop what you're doing! The anesthetic wore off, give him more!"
He heard Moblit swear behind the curtain before the vet immediately ceased his actions. A moment later, Levi felt the deep, sharp sting of the needle, and he whined long and low in response, grappling for Eren's hand again, and the boy took it, but Levi didn't tuck it under his chin again. His tail began to become numb once more, and as soon as he lost the feeling in it, he felt the vet resume his surgery. The return of the deeply uncomfortable pressure was far too much for the mermaid; he felt like he was going to be stuck here forever, the sickness and discomfort becoming a permanent part of him. He moaned tremulously, feeling ill at the thought.
Oh please not now, Levi begged his body, swallowing several times in a useless attempt to stop his stomach from revolting, I can't do this, I can't take one more thing, please no.
But evidently, this was not going to be a case where his mind won out over his body. Once more, unable to sit up, he began to retch pitifully while lay prone on his side. However, unlike before, Eren was here, and he quickly helped Levi sit up so that his head was hanging over the operating table. The boy felt his stomach clench in sympathy, not only for the fact that Levi was throwing up, but the fact that he was completely limp in his grip, his body resisting no more than doll's would.
"Oh baby, I'm so sorry," Eren murmured. He felt Levi jerk a few times, and then still, going silent in his arms. He bent forward, kissing his hair once the vomiting had run its course. He found that he was sadly unsurprised that Levi had brought up nothing from his stomach. Instead, he heard a faint tinkling sound, and got a whiff of something pungent, and looking down, he saw that Levi had lost control of his bladder and that his urine was dripping onto the floor. He squeezed his eyes shut in sympathy, hugging Levi more tightly. But the mermaid didn't react at all; no change in his breathing, no sign that he even noticed that he had let go. He supposed he understood; his lower body must have felt numb to the point that he no longer had control over it. He felt the mermaid sink into his arms, a complete dead weight, and Eren knew if he let go right now, not only would Levi collapse, he had no energy to break his fall at all. So he held tight, listening to his poor mermaid wheezing against his shoulder.
"It's going to be okay," he insisted. "They're almost done. It's alright love. It's alright…"
Levi listened to what Eren was saying, but his boy sounded as if he had plunged underwater. And no matter how much he focused, he couldn't make out exactly what he was saying. He snuggled a little further into Eren's arms, but he did so with the air of one who is only half awake, his movements sleepy and uncoordinated. His eyelids were getting heavy and he was shivering hard. His own breathing was too loud and slow in his ears, the only thing he could actually hear clearly at the moment. His vision had gone fuzzy, made evident when Eren pulled back and he could barely make out his face anymore. He thought he looked worried though, at least, perhaps he did. He seemed to be drifting further and further away, being taken away from him by the current, and he had no strength to hold onto him. The dark undertow swooped up and yanked Levi away, water roaring by his ears and across his eyes, before it faded to a high pitched ringing that stretched on forever.
000
When Levi had first woken up after his surgery several days ago, Eren had always been a fixture at his side. He was attentive to Levi's every need, always on the edge of his vision, never more than a whisper away. As constant as the ocean itself, he was there. He was comforting Levi through his pain, holding him steady either in the water or against his body in the small recovery pool. He was monitoring his infection even more closely than the vet, and curled around him constantly so he could keep track of his fever. He did so with the manner of one so overwhelmed by their worry that all other emotions were silenced in response.
Now, he was still there, still attending to Levi's every need. He was still making sure that the I.V bag Levi was attached to was always full, and that he ate every single one of his meals, many of which he hand fed him. He still slept by him at night, sacrificing his own comfort to spend it laying right outside the tank in a tiny cot. He monitored Levi's wound every day, the incision site growing smaller every day and the skin around it looking healthier. His relief began to set in as he saw Levi's progress, and along with that relief, Levi noticed that he was beginning to distance himself. Disappearing for an hour at a time, then a couple hours. Missing one of his feedings, then every other one, then dropping the bucket for Levi and letting him feed himself before leaving. Being there when he'd fall asleep but not when he'd wake up, making up excuses as to why he had to leave, acting more awkward and tense around the mermaid. Levi was growing concerned. He knew he had fucked up, and that was putting it mildly. But if Eren wasn't here, then he couldn't work on fixing what needed to be fixed with him.
A horrible thought occurred to Levi one day as he sat up in the shallow end of the recovery pool. What if Eren was avoiding him because he was angry with him over hurting himself? After all, he was making Eren miss his classes. Did Eren think that Levi doing this to himself was all a ploy to get him to come home, and he was so furious that he was avoiding him now? Levi began to shake at the thought. It looked bad, oh it looked so bad, but he knew in his heart of hearts that it wasn't true. But he had no idea how to explain that to Eren.
His heart began to pound, and his head followed suit as awful thoughts began to race around it, telling him what a terrible person he was, that he was ruining Eren's life, that if Eren had never met him, he'd be better off. That Levi needed to stay away from him, and if he did that, Eren could live a long, happy life free of the unnecessary anguish the mermaid had put him through. He wasn't worth it anyway, was he?
The mermaid glanced down at his tail again, feeling tears well up in his eyes. The skin was healing wonderfully, no longer red and sick looking, but fading back to pink. They said it would even be ready to stitch up soon. Yet he felt the itch in his teeth, in his claws, and in his very skin, to tear it open again, to mangle himself since no one else would punish him for his misdeeds. He ran his nails over his tail, making the scratches deeper and deeper with every pass, but not enough to break the skin. Still, the sting was tantalizing, and it created a swell of white noise in his mind that effectively drowned out the logic that was trying to scream at him, no, this was wrong. He hooked his nails into his skin, sucking in a breath and stilling his lungs altogether when he saw blood bead up around them.
"Levi, hey, what are you doing? Stop!" he heard a cry behind him.
The mermaid whipped his head around, only getting a glimpse of Eren before the boy all but tackled him sideways into the water, ripping his hands away from his tail and pinning them against his sides. Levi didn't bother to fight back; whatever Eren was going to do him now, he deserved it. And from how heavily his boy was breathing, though he couldn't see his face, as his head was lowered, his hair tickling Levi's upper arm and shoulder, he had to be furious with him. Levi closed his eyes, accepting his fate, bracing himself for the tirade of negative words he knew was going to come.
But when Eren spoke, it was as soft and gentle as if he was comforting Levi through his surgery all over again.
"Please don't," his boy was saying, almost begging, "please don't ever do that again. I can't-can't- you stupid mermaid, I know it's hard to resist, but it's how you got into this mess in the first place. Levi, please don't. My heart can't take it."
Levi barely stopped himself from jumping in surprise at the words he was saying and tone Eren was taking with him. He only grew more surprised when he began to utter brokenly, "I know this is my fault in the first place. I'm so sorry for leaving you here. If I had just stayed, none of this would have- w-we wouldn't…"
He sucked in a surprised breath when he felt Eren situate himself so that he could press his face into Levi's shoulder, straddling his lap and hugging him tightly. Stunned, he sat there with his hands hovering over Eren's back, until he felt his shoulders begin to shudder and heard soft sobs. Only then did he lay them along his boy's spine, and sorrowfully buried his face against his shoulder.
This was way, way worse than thinking Eren was angry with him.
How could his boy even say so those things when they were so clearly untrue? He listened as Eren continued to mumble against his skin, repeating over and over again what an idiot he was, how he never seemed to make the right decisions…how he was no better a person now than when he was with Reiner, and that for Levi was the final straw. He pushed Eren away from his chest, glaring at him sternly, and made sure he was looking at him before he spoke.
"Eren, none of this is your fault," he said slowly, carefully choosing his words. "I…I didn't hurt myself because of you. You leaving might have been the trigger but I…no, shit, that's not how I meant to say, I'm sorry. What I mean to say was I used to do this long before I knew you. It's just what happens when I'm stressed. I wish I knew how to stop, but…just, please Eren, don't beat yourself up over something that clearly isn't your fault. It's just my own messed up head."
Eren sniffed, wiping at his eyes roughly with the back of his hand. "Still..."
"No. It's my problem, and yet I dragged all of you into it with me, and for that I can't be sorry enough. Did I miss you? Yes, but I know how important school is to you, and how you have to be there. The logical part of me knows that, and it also knows that you should get back there as soon as you can."
Incredibly, Eren laughed, the sound all congested through his dripping nose. When Levi stared at him in confusion, he explained, "You sound like my parents. Don't worry dad, I'm planning on going back to school in two days. Already have my ticket and everything. Not going to miss my finals and I plan on making up my work on the flight back. I'll make graduation, and then I'll officially be a marine biologist with a concentration in animal vocalizations."
Levi's expression softened into one of fondness, pride filling his chest at the thought of Eren accomplishing his goals and achieving what he had been so passionate about for years. But that pride shifted a moment later into apprehension when Eren continued, "But before I can go back to doing that, we need to teach you better coping mechanisms for dealing with stress."
Levi wasn't so sure any coping mechanism would overcome the powerful urge he felt to hurt himself; even now, just talking about it, he felt the need to do it again. But he supposed if anyone could help him, it would be someone who had been there.
Eren sighed, and then got off of Levi's lap, choosing instead to kneel next to him, before he said slowly, unsurely, "Though…before we can do that, I think we need to address what's causing you to want to hurt yourself in the first place. That's what my therapist did for me, and once I understood the cause, it made recognizing and fighting the impulse a lot easier."
The mermaid was dubious, but trusted Eren. He continued to listen as the boy explained, "I've been thinking about this since I got home…but I believe, maybe, there's a chance the reason you did this doesn't even have to do with me. You said it yourself, you've been doing this since you were kept in Trost, and I wasn't there to leave you then. Levi, what thoughts run through your head when you hurt yourself?"
For Levi, that was easy; his thoughts were always so violently loud, his feelings so potent when he dug his claws into his flesh or rubbed his skin against the concrete walls that it scared him. "How frustrated, scared, and angry I am."
"At what?"
"Myself, mostly. For giving in and hurting myself. For…not being able to let go."
"Of what, Levi?" Eren asked, placing a supporting hand on his shoulder.
The mermaid thought about it, and decided, "Of the bad experiences that caused these feelings. It's like, when I'm all alone in that tank, I feel so lonely and horribly bored, but more than that, I feel trapped. That's all I could think when I lived in Trost, was how trapped I was. How I didn't have the option to leave that prison. If I just had the freedom to choose where I wanted to go instead of having it be decided for me, I think my mind would feel a lot better, not so hot and sick all the time. But there's no way for that to happen. You gave me that option when you were here, and then you left and the anger came back and then…"
"Shh, shh," Eren quickly murmured when Levi began to shake. He moved behind him, sitting so that his legs were spread on either side of his body, and he placed his chin on the top of his head, holding him around his middle. Seeing Levi say these things, as heartbreaking as they were, were also a weight off his chest so massive he felt dizzy with the relief of it. Levi didn't blame him after all, though he most likely never did. Still, it would still take a bit before the guilt left Eren completely. He squeezed his mermaid a little bit tighter, and reiterated, "So I'm hearing you say you wanted freedom? That's what made you hurt yourself? That desire to leave your tank and go where you wanted and not being able to?"
"…yes," Levi finally signed, hesitating to confirm it out loud, afraid it would make it real, unchangeable. But what was so bad about that? It had been an unchangeable fact for him for most of his life. However, having met Eren made him realize something else too. "I want to be free, but I want to be free with you. More than anything, I want the power to be able to follow you wherever you go."
A sudden grimace came over Levi's face, and he quickly amended, "I don't mean everywhere you go. I'm not following you into the bathroom when you take a shit, or hanging outside your door when you undress- well, I mean, unless you want me to I mean, I-shit, this is coming out all wrong."
Before he could try and correct himself, he noticed, to his astonishment, that Eren had the gall to start laughing at him again. He felt the vibrations in his throat against his head, and he raised an eyebrow that of course the boy couldn't see, but he felt the need to express his annoyance anyway. It melted away a moment later when he felt Eren's lips against his cheek, his eyes going comically wide and his face heating up just as hot as when he had had his fever. Despite the fact that his tail still hurt a substantial amount, it was washed away for that instant, and instead Levi was reminded of just how stupidly infatuated he was with this ridiculous human. He leaned back into Eren's arms, and his boy held him up.
"Levi…" Eren began soft after a moment, "Maybe there's a way I can help you obtain the freedom you want."
The mermaid didn't move, but he grew stiff and silent in his arms. Was he going to suggest what he thought he was going to?
"If I- what if that story you told me was true? The one from this summer? Where a mermaid's true love can turn them human forever if they kiss them?"
Levi morosely voiced his long held fears. "What if you're not my true love?"
Eren just shrugged and said optimistically, "We won't know unless we try."
The drying water on Levi's back made his skin prickle in sudden anticipation, and he twisted around to face Eren as best he could. His heart pounded, he shivered, and slowly, ever so slowly, he looked between Eren's eyes and lips, and began to lean forward. But Eren placed two fingers on his lips and halted his motions, explaining, "Well hold on, I'm certainly not going to try it now, not until your tail has healed. Do you really want new legs and your first thought is how much you hate them because they hurt? Besides, we don't know if it'll disrupt the healing process or not, and I don't think it's worth the risk."
Levi blinked at him, stunned for a moment, before he crossed his arms, pouting. Eren snorted, reaching out to thumb his bottom lip, saying, "Oh my goodness, that bottom lip is so far out it's going to need its own area code."
The mermaid halfheartedly nipped at his thumb, which caused Eren to lean forward and land another kiss on his forehead. Levi grumbled a bit, and then leaned up and kissed his cheek, still pouting, but it was melting away slowly. Eren smiled down at him and reached up, tucking Levi's hair behind his ears as he assured him, "Don't worry. By the time I get back from school in a couple of weeks, your wounds should be all healed up by then, and I'll kiss you the moment I walk through those doors, okay you needy little fish?"
Levi bit his lip, suddenly unsure. He realized then just how selfish and demanding he must have sounded, completely forgetting about what a rough time Eren had been having with intimacy up until now. It prompted him to say, "I mean, only if you want to. I don't want to force you do anything…"
The boy shook his head, his eyes warm and sincere as he replied, "You won't. I want to do this. It's a long time coming, I think and…yeah, I'm ready, I think. So it'll give you something to look forward to when I come home, yeah?"
Levi pretended to think, tapping his finger on his chin, before he signed with a smirk, "Oh I suppose so."
Eren grinned hugely in response, his smile so bright that it nearly blinded Levi and set his heart beating so erratically he had to stop and determine whether or not he was having a stroke on top of the infection. When it appeared that wasn't the case, he decided to remind Eren with a slight cough that would hopefully distract him from how hot his face felt, "So um, those coping mechanisms?"
His boy's smile softened, and his eyes grew all warm again in a way that had Levi feeling disgustingly gooey inside. He loved it of course, but he wasn't about to admit that out loud. He had a reputation…kind of.
"Okay," Eren began, "So here's what I did to help me stop self-harming…"
000
After Levi's wound had healed enough, it was time for it to be stitched up. Eren of course resumed his position at Levi's side, holding his hand in a crushing grip when it was time to be placed on the operating table and given more numbing agent in his tail. And luckily, this time, though it was no less terrifying, it went much more smoothly than his last surgery. The stitching was relatively quick, though deeply uncomfortable. But Levi behaved himself, staying as still as he could, squeezing his eyes shut and whining instead of struggling, while Eren shushed him and murmured to him the entire time, shielding the upper half of his body with his own so that he was trapped once more in the warm darkness against his shoulder. To Levi, there was no safer place in the world he could have been.
When Eren left for school, Levi was still terribly uncertain about whether or not he'd be strong enough to follow his advice on how to keep himself from harming himself again. After all, he'd struggled with this for so long…but Eren insisted that this would work, that he believed in Levi, that he knew he'd succeed.
"You're so strong, sweetheart," he'd assured him as Levi snuggled in his arms before he left. "If anyone can overcome this, you can. And if you're having trouble, have my mom call me. I'll pick up, I don't care what time it is. Things are going to be different this time. Just keep the ice with you at all times."
Eren had suggested rubbing ice on the areas where he liked to self-harm, as the burning sensation of the cold was a good substitute for cutting the skin. He had it had helped to get rid of his need to cut, and he hoped that it would be a good crutch for Levi until he returned to his mermaid. So, on the day he'd left, he'd placed a whole big bucket of ice in the recovery pool with Levi, kissed his forehead firmly, and promised him he'd be back in a couple of weeks.
That left Levi to his own devices once more. At first, he had been far too exhausted to even attempt anything; his painkillers had kept him wiped out for the most of the first few days, after all. However, as he began to feel better and gotten both his energy and his appetite back, and especially when they deemed him well enough to place back in his own tank, that was when his skin began to itch with the need to bite it again. In the beginning, all he had to do was take a look at the wound that had made him so sick, the skin still pink and in the process of forming yet another scar on his body. Did he really want to risk going back onto that operating table yet again so soon? For a while, the answer had been no, and he had resisted.
However, he began to break down the longer time went on. It was easier not to think about it during the day when Carla came back to see him, and even brought Mikasa with her on some visits when school finished for her. Being able to bond with them helped make him feel not so trapped, as if he had eyes in the outside world that could tell him what was going on, and describe it in ways where he felt like he was experiencing all of their adventures himself. It was only when he found himself alone, especially at night, when his dark thoughts took hold hard enough that he felt the only way he could get rid of them was to replace them with physical pain. Many a night, he had placed his nails against his flesh, ready to dig them in deeper, only to be stopped by the thought of Eren having to come all the way back and not being able to finish school like he so badly needed to. If that happened again, he knew he'd never forgive himself. He was already having enough trouble doing so for the one time it had happened.
When the urge proved to be too much, he would take the bucket of ice left for him and shove his hand and as much of his forearm as he could into it, holding it there for as long as it took for the urge to pass. It burned like hell and a few times he thought he was going to cry out for how long he'd force himself to keep his arm in that bucket, but this burn was much more preferable to the burn of the scalpel cutting his skin again, or the ache he'd feel in his chest at seeing the disappointment that would surely be in Eren's eyes if he relapsed. So, he gritted his teeth and bore it, determined to greet his boy with unmarked skin and pride in his heart when he came home again.
The morning Eren flew back home was as warm and bright, the early June sunshine seeming to seep right through his skin make him feel giddy. He did a poor job at hiding his excitement at being home once more, allowing it to radiate from him with his every action. His steps were lighter off the plane, his smile bigger on his face out of the runway and into his father's waiting car, and his heart beating faster the entire drive home, and even when he hopped into his own car in his own driveway and sped off towards the aquarium.
When he caught sight of Levi's tank, for some reason, it seemed different than all the other times he had looked at it. It was as if he was on the precipice of something, something far too grand for him to wrap his head around. He was reminded of the time he had first seen Levi in his tank, how his heart had simply forgotten how to beat and he was incapable of any thoughts outside of how in awe he had been. But as he ascended the familiar steps, he had no idea what it meant, just that every step he took seemed to be in slow motion, and yet he was hyper-attuned to everything happening around him; the rustle of the trees in the distance, the hum of the filter, the rust on the railing, and the subtle splash of water up ahead that told him he was eagerly expected.
And when he saw Levi waiting for him on the rocks, skin perfectly pale and clean of any new wounds, his hair shining its lovely blues, greens and violets under the late spring sun, and his dark eyes shimmering with absolute elation, he knew why this feeling had come to him.
He was about to change Levi's life, one way or the other. The same way Levi had changed his.
When they embraced, it wasn't with the same delirious desperation that they had before. They were happy yes, very much so, to be together again, but it appeared Levi had changed in more ways than one with Eren's absence this trip. Now that he had uncovered the reason for his fear when Eren left, it had become easier to deal with, and therefore left room for Levi to begin to find confidence in himself, which translated to a greater sense of independence.
"I'm so proud of you," Eren said over his shoulder, before he pulled back, keeping his hands on Levi's shoulders.
"And I'm proud of you," Levi replied with a huge grin. "You did such a good job."
"Because of you. The whole department really enjoyed my final thesis on mermaids. Said they'd be there for me if I needed any help landing a position in the field."
"Eren, that's wonderful!"
His boy smiled at him gently. "It is. And it's all thanks to you. But…I think you struggled far harder than I did, in some areas." He stroked Levi's chin with his thumb. "I think you deserve a reward for that."
The mermaid blushed heavily at the implication, and he averted his eyes shyly. "Only if you want, Eren, I don't want to"-
"For the last time, you're not." Eren placed a hand on his cheek and turned his face back towards his. "I want to do this, I promise."
With those words, their hearts began to pound so hard and so loud they were certain the other could hear it, and they could hear the blood roaring in their ears. Eren fiddled with the edge of his shirt, too embarrassed to look Levi in the face, his cheeks and the tips of his ears dusted pink. He chewed on his bottom lip for a moment, before saying lowly, "Levi, listen. Even if nothing happens, I want you to know that it doesn't change anything."
He looked up, took a deep breath, and cupped Levi's face with his large, warm hands. The mermaid's gaze was transfixed on his, eyes dark and liquid as a doe's, and his whole body just as on edge as one. Eren continued, "I love you. Heh, it feels really good to say that, finally. I do though. Holy fucking shit, I love you so much, Levi. And no matter what, I'll always be thankful for you, for saving me in every way I could have been saved, and for changing my life forever, in more ways than one."
Levi wanted to reply so badly to such beautiful words, but unfortunately, his body wouldn't let him form the words. Instead, it made his hands shake to the point that he had to grab Eren's wrists for support and squeeze them, and made his eyes overflow with tears to the point that his boy blurred in front of him. Eren made a concerned, clucking noise, laughing slightly at Levi's happy tears, and wiped them away until they stopped while his mermaid laughed in return, that funny metallic laugh that Eren cherished so much. He then leaned forward and briefly nuzzled under his boy's chin, purring, telling him without words that he shared the sentiment wholeheartedly.
When he leaned back, they gazed into each other's eyes, Levi getting the last of his sniffles out, still grinning nervously. Eren took a deep breath, and decided it was now or never. Still, he was hesitant. What would he do if he couldn't change Levi? What if he was stuck in this tank forever? Well, only one way to find out. And even if that was the case, they'd find a way. They'd always find a way. Now that he was home, he was never leaving his mermaid again.
He leaned forward a little more, stopping halfway, having to take another breath to calm the butterflies raging in his stomach. Levi leaned a little bit forward as well, a patient smile on his face that made his eyes seem even softer, brighter. Eren glanced down between their bodies, staring at Levi's webbed hands, which were sitting on his knees, and then back up into those lovely eyes, close enough to see the deep blue shimmer behind the dark gray. And then, finally, finally, as a final insult to his abuser and all the hell he had put him through, he let his eyes flutter shut, and leaned forward the rest of the way until his lips met Levi's in the softest and most delicate of kisses.
It was just a brushing of lips, a whisper of breath, and then Eren pulled away, his eyes still shut as he sat there, frozen, taking in what had just happened. Levi's breath quickened, and he tightened his hands into fists, both of them poised on the brink.
And then Eren surged forward, capturing Levi's lips once more.
Elation. Ecstasy.
The mermaid gasped, taken aback by the confidence and passion compared to the first shy kiss, but quickly melted into it. Eren hand moved his hands from his face to around his waist, holding him close against his body while his lips moved eagerly against the mermaid's, built up desire from the past year finally pouring forth. He seemed to kiss Levi with his whole body, sitting up straighter, pulling him as close as possible until he could feel every breath Eren took. Levi reached up, wrapping his arms around Eren's neck and the cupping the back of his head with one hand, kissing back just as eagerly. He was shivering, and yet an inferno raged in his core. He wanted to cry all over again, at what he didn't know. Everything. Nothing. His mind raced, and then went blissfully blank when he dug his long nails into his boy's hair. Their chests pressed together, hearts beating against each other. Eren made a little sound in his throat when he felt Levi's tongue venture into his mouth and touch his own carefully, as if the mermaid was testing the waters. Eren responded by rubbing his tongue against his more heavily, and Levi sucked in a breath at the sensation. And through it all, one single thought emerged.
They were both free.
Eren reluctantly pulled away, nipping at Levi's lower lip as he did so. The both of them were panting and grinning like absolute fools. Their faces remained close, each of them laughing breathlessly, unable to break contact with each other completely. Levi pecked Eren's lips again, still not over the sensation. He felt as though his whole face was tingling, and it was as amazing as it was foreign.
"Yeah?" Eren breathed, "I'm that good, huh?"
Levi couldn't help it. He laughed even louder, leaning his forehead against Eren's, elated beyond belief.
In fact, he was so elated that he didn't notice the tingle in his abdomen that had formed when they first began their kiss was growing worse and worse.
Levi was suddenly pulling out their embrace and folding forward, clutching his stomach and yelping. It took Eren a moment to respond, his brain trying to catch up and wondering how they had gone from kissing to Levi doubled over and curled up on the rocks, writing in pain. But when he did, his heart began to race, panic overtaking him, unable to handle the agony written on his mermaid's face. However, that panic was replaced very rapidly and very forcefully by utter astonishment when he saw that, no, he wasn't imagining things. There was indeed an odd flicker spreading across Levi's skin, as if the mermaid was being lit from within, starting from his stomach and stretching outwards. It was a shimmering glow that reminded Eren of the sun reflecting off of the water. But Levi was still crying out shrilly, reminiscent of the way he had on the operating table, and Eren did the same thing he did then, covering his upper body with his own. Cocooned in the warm darkness reassured Levi all over again that whatever was happening, whatever pain he was going through, Eren wasn't going anywhere, and was going to help him fight it.
Through his cries, Eren shushed and kissed any skin he could reach, telling him how brave he was, how proud Kuchel would be of him if she could see him now. And Levi knew he was right. He had done just what his mother had asked; he had smiled and sung for this boy, and now he was his, and they were free together. This pain was just a pinprick in the grand scheme of things. It was Eren's presence and that thought alone that kept him from passing out from the feeling of his insides and outsides twisting and mangling themselves, feeling as if they were trying to switch places.
When the pain finally faded, Levi was left shaking and sweating, his stomach threatening to rebel. But once he felt he was steady enough, he felt Eren get off of him, checking his face to see if he was alright. And when he did, he saw the boy's eyes get so wide they almost popped out of his skull.
He watched as Eren's gaze travelled down the length of his body, and he followed where they looked. It was only when he did so that he found himself gasping with a shock so powerful that he, for a few moments, forgot how to breathe.
He supposed he shouldn't have been surprised, and yet, if he wasn't already laying down in Eren's lap, he would have collapsed.
He stared and stared, but they didn't disappear. Even when he reached out and tentatively touched them, they didn't vanish. They didn't melt away like snow, but instead were real and solid, solid bone and muscle and flesh. It was silly, but he couldn't get over how much his legs resembled Eren's, and yet didn't. They were uniquely his; thighs thick, calves strong, and when he contracted his muscles in them, they twitched. He bent his knees, and then flexed his ankles, before curling his toes, astonished. It was then when he pulled his hand back that he saw that the webbing was gone, and his nails had shortened. The blue-green tint had also vanished from his skin, and instead it was completely pale, only rosy in some areas where the blood was closer to the surface of his skin, as well as no longer tight and dry feeling with the lack of water. His lungs didn't gasp automatically as he instinctively held his breath, but instead came easier, more regularly. He glanced up into Eren's eyes, and saw his own wonder reflected in them.
There were no words that describe what Levi felt right then, but he felt he still had to try. Levi started to sign to him, but halted. If he was human now, that meant…
And something else…
He cleared his throat, and exhaled unsurely. This couldn't be that difficult, right? He knew the words, he just had to make his tongue form them. He felt the vibrations in his throat, but his vocal chords were so new, so different. Unused. Still, he wanted to do this, had to. He parted his lips, throat working, but the sound that came out of them was faint and raspy. Eren's eyes grew wide when he realized what Levi was trying to do, and waited patiently, unable to believe what he was seeing. He tried a few more times, until the hoarse rasp cleared from his voice, and his brand new vocal chords warmed up.
"I…I- mmm, I love you. Too. Eren."
His voice was deep, clear, and smooth, so blissfully wonderful to Eren's ears, and he knew he'd remember Levi's first words to him for the rest of his life. He instantly burst into tears, and leaned over him again, pulling him close, while Levi embraced back, laughing softly. A real, human laugh, caressing Eren's ears, and it just made the boy cry harder.
When he finally pulled back, they stared into each other's eyes for a moment, and Eren felt himself leaning down to pull him into another kiss. However, he stopped abruptly, gaze drawn down Levi's body, and he saw his boy's face color harshly, before he looked away and cleared his throat.
"What?" Levi murmured. His gaze flicked down his own body, and then back to Eren's face. "Is my new body not pleasing to you?"
Eren laughed nervously. "No no, it is. That's um, that's the problem. It's making me fee- you know what, never mind. Uh, here, you should take this for now."
He swiftly pulled off his shirt before draping it over Levi's hips, covering his lap as best he could. Levi blinked up at him in confusion.
"I'll get you a towel later. Okay?" Eren's face was still the deepest red Levi had ever seen, and if he wasn't mistaken, his eyes were the tiniest bit dilated. Eren exhaled, his cheeks puffing out as he tried to get a hold of himself, and then he froze, and groaned. "Oh no."
"What?" Levi asked, sitting up a bit. "What's the matter?"
"I just remembered. Hanji. She's going to have a fucking field day with this."
A/N: In case anyone is wondering, it took 175, 497 words for these two shits to kiss xD But here it is, finally! Hope you guys enjoyed, just the epilogue now!
