One of her earliest memories when she was a little girl was a time with her grandmother. She and her mother went for a visit. Her mother had been horribly ill. A horrible barking sound came from her mother's lungs, making her double over in the carriage for nearly the entire journey. Her grandmother had been waiting for them and as soon as they arrived her mother was whisked away by to women she didn't know.
At the time, she was only four-years-old. She couldn't recall much of her mother's sickness, her grandmother kept her from it, but the burning of herbs stayed with her. She could still remember the heavy scent of sage. The smoke which filled her grandmother's small home made her run out of the house often.
Then one evening, she got out of bed and wandered out into the small room where her grandmother was burning something new. It smelled of the forest and fruit and popped in the small bowl filled with fire as her grandmother dropped bits into its depths.
"Why do you burn so much?"
Her grandmother's graze flicked to her, and a warm smile greeted her a moment before she patted the spot next to her.
Taking a seat, Regina watched the smoke rise for some time until her grandmother combed through her long hair with her fingers and explained, "It's a prayer, lass. When we burn this, we transform it from something of our world and into the world beyond."
"Is the prayer for Momma?"
"Oh, she's had lots of prayers. This one is for you."
Regina's eyes widened. "For me?"
"Aye," her grandmother's soft voice said as she nodded. "I've been asking the Goddess ta look after ya."
"But you're looking after me."
Her grandmother's musical laugh filled the room, warming Regina that she was able to make her smile. "That I am, my wee one. But soon your mother will be better, and you'll go back home."
"Can't you come with us?"
"No, this is my home, lass. But even when you're gone, even when I'm gone I'll be with ya."
"How?"
"It's like your gifts. Just because we can't see them doesn't mean there not there. The Goddess has blessed ya, Regina. No matter what happens, if I'm here in this world or moved on, remember that light inside you and I'll always be there."
Some gift, Regina thought as she stared down at angrily at the unchanging view in front of her. She could see Robin from the corner of her eye. He sat beside her, biting back a smile as he watched her silently attempt to goad the candle placed before her to do something – anything.
But still nothing.
Nine days had gone by and not even a flicker.
Her chest gave a throbbing ache somewhere in the vicinity of her heart. Regina was ready to give up. She didn't understand why Merlin wouldn't believe her. Her gifts as her grandmother called them were gone.
She glared at Merlin across the table as he sat, his expression as inscrutable as ever, blissfully unaware of her anger and disappointment. She was surprised he hadn't picked up on it by now.
Merlin' fingers were steepled in front of him, curiously watching and waiting. There was no instruction forthcoming, no words of advice. Just a curious blank stare, as though his thoughts were perhaps elsewhere. Frustration coursed through her like a river and filled her eyes with angry tears. What was he waiting for?
Regina turned towards Robin his neutral expression filled her with murderous with rage. Why was he so calm? When her eyes narrowed at him, only then did his head tilt and lips pull down.
Scowling at his expression, she pushed her chair backwards as she stood her anger getting the best of her. She wasn't mad, she was seething. At this rate they would never get home.
"Regina, perhaps if you relaxed a bit?" She lifted her head an inch and gave Robin a withering look. Raising his hands in surrender, he muttered, "All right, I'm sorry."
"What's the use? What's the use in any of this? It's not working."
Merlin sat back in his chair and this time he simply raised an eyebrow.
Regina ignored him and stared at the ceiling of the large library chamber before waving a dismissive hand in his direction. "How am I supposed to transfer my magic to Robin when I can't even use it for myself?"
"Might I make a small suggestion?" Merlin sat forward a bit.
Regina scoffed, and noticed Robin as he turned his attention from the wizard to give her a pointed frown. Regina could care less of Robin's disapproval of her behavior. The old wizard had done nothing to help her for nearly two weeks and he was just now making a suggestion? Crossing her arms over her chest, she gave a small, derisive laugh. "By all means."
"Light magic."
Regina chuckled, deep and rich and filled with contempt. Tempted to roll her eyes, but she resisted. "You've got the wrong sorceress. My magic has never been nor will ever be light. The spells I've studied from all drew from one source. Darkness is all I've ever known." She turned her back to both men in the room. "My mother saw to that."
She felt Robin's immediate, indignant denial, but she was too angry and frustrated to let it make her feel any better.
Despite her back being turned, the wizard gave her a warm reply, "My dear, light magic resides in us all. It matters not of the darkness one has used to conjure it, only of the goodness with which one carries. The light in you, child, must be very great, for it is requiring a great deal of anger and fear to repress it. And at this very moment, it is that which is driving your motivation. If you were to release its hold upon you, I think you may surprise yourself."
"And how do I do that?" She turned and crossed her arms across her chest. "It's all I have."
The old man chuckled. "Is it? Tell me, when you used your magic before was is not the anger and even perhaps the resentment for your mother which you drew your energy from?"
Her gaze fell to the candle. Yes, they were, but it was all she had ever known. Harnessing her magic had always been easier that way. Her eyes widened. It was right then she came to the stunning realization that it wasn't her mother who had made her magic dark but herself. Because she didn't try then, but she had when she healed Snow and it worked. She had the ability for both. Anger and fear were there but no, they were not all she had.
She raised her eyes back on the wizard who was smiling.
"There you have it," he said tipping his hand in her direction as though he had read her thoughts.
Regina's opened her mouth for a retort bit it died on her lips as her eyes flickered to Robin, who met her gaze with a curious stare. Her eyes widened as the wizard got to his feet.
"It is clear to me that my presence here is only a hindrance to you now. In my passing on the way here, I thought I smelled sweet bread rolls in the kitchens. It has been too long since I've had fresh bread." He moved for the large oak doors and added, "I will return and check on your progress in the morrow."
"You're leaving?" Robin asked with a furrowed brow.
"Oh indeed, Lord Robin, for it is not my instruction Lady Regina requires, but only your own."
And with a simple nod, Merlin was gone, leaving them alone in the silence of the room, high emotions inside themselves, saying much more than words ever would in the space between them. Robin blinked over at her and Regina folded her arms tightly.
"What?"
He shook his head a light laugh leaving him. "Nothing, my love."
Regina huffed. "Good."
Robin pushed his chair away from the table so he could face her. "All right, you know I do not pretend to know the first thing about magic, so let's do this your way. What would you like to do?" She turned to him in surprise, but before she could utter a word, he added a provision, "And you're not to give up or," he held up a finger as a whisper of her mood slipped into their connection, then added, "leave them all here to rot. I may not know exactly what you're thinking, but what you were feeling, that is another story, and that emotion is plain as day."
She gave him a narrow-eyed glare. "I wasn't serious, you know." His eyes sparkled with disbelief, and she allowed herself to smirk.
Robin sat back and grinned. Shaking his head, he held out his hand for her, and once her hand was in his he pulled her into his lap. She leaned against him and allowed him to rub his thumb over her fingers. "Well, it's nice to see you smile for a change, even if it is at the prospect of abandoning us all."
"I wouldn't leave you," she said, with her lips quirking up a moment before they fell once again. It took her years to learn the magic she did know. What if it took her as long to summon light as easily? They could be here for months, maybe even years. "I don't know how to do this, Robin," Regina admitted and glanced at him before nervously pivoting to her feet. "All I've ever known is how to conjure dark magic."
Robin shook his head. "Regina, you've got to stop thinking you're capable of only darkness because I know that's not true." He gestured across the table to the candle with a rise of his chin. "When you try to light that candle, what are you thinking about?"
Her eyebrows rose, and she crossed her arms in front of her. "I'm thinking about lighting the damn thing, about getting us the out of here. Really Robin, what else would I be thinking about?"
Her spiky mood was starting to wear him thin. He sympathized in her frustrations, they were both feeling the strain, but the continual pessimism didn't help them, only hindered them. His tone was a little harsher than he intended. "But that's where you're going about this all wrong, Regina…"
"So now you're going to tell me how to use magic?" she scoffed. "The man that detests magic is now going to lecture me on my methods."
"God, Regina! You're so damn maddening." He smacked his hand against the arm of the chair, his eyes flashing with something between anger and pain. His voice dropped to a gruff murmur. "Why are you acting like this? Have I been so horrible in the past to make you think so little of me?"
Her brows lowered, and the corners of her mouth turned down. "I'm sorry." Her shoulders slumped, and a defeated sigh left her. "I didn't mean it like that."
"I only wish you'd have a bit of faith in me."
Regina turned away. "I do, Robin…it's me I don't have faith in. It's hard for me to feel so… weak."
Robin let out a breath. She was being too hard on herself once again. He wished she could relax and open up to the idea she was a stronger person than she thought. He knew it because he could feel it inside her. "Regina, you're anything but weak."
Her exhaled shaky breath sounded defeated in his ears as it did in the feelings from her. She hugged her arms to her before she turned back to face him. "I'm not strong like you"
He walked over to her and gently gripped her arms and leaned down to press his lips to hers. When he pulled away, he murmured, "Then use some of mine for the both of us."
She gave him a thoughtful look. He brought his hand up and caress her cheek tenderly.
"So, what do you suggest?" She let out another breath and reached up grabbing his wrist. "Nothing I do seems to work."
Robin smiled, his irritation evaporating with her candid admission. "If magic is about emotion, as you say it is... How about we do this together?" He dropped his hand and brought both up to softly caress up and down her arms.
She arched a brow at him. "And how do we do that?"
He nodded towards the chair in front of the candle. "Sit down and I'll show you."
"All right."
She took a seat back at the table he came up and stood behind her. Placing his hands on her shoulders, she glanced back at him and he grinned. "Turn around and close your eyes."
"Excuse me?"
Continuing to grin broadly, he ignored her indignant protest, and turned her so she was facing the table. "Just trust me, Regina. Close your eyes." His hands held on her shoulders and massaged them gently, easing the tension away from her. Her breath hitched as he kneaded the muscles of her upper back and was thrilled to see a dull flush creep up her neck to her cheeks. Robin worked diligently, rubbing and pressing but kept a deep connection with her mood.
He waited until Regina was relaxed and comfortable.
She sighed happily and murmured, "Mm, that feels so good."
Her voice was throaty, and heat traveled through his veins at the sound. His hand slid higher on her neck, and she moaned a little louder, her head falling down, and sighed as he continued to knead and stroke.
Several moments later, his hands stilled, and he leaned down, whispering in her ear, "Don't think about anything except us."
She didn't answer, only lifted her head and nodded.
His voice was but a whisper, "Just feel, Regina."
With her eyes closed, she pushed away all thoughts of getting home, of Merlin, of that mad Madam, of all the fears and doubts clouding her mind. For the moment, she did as instruct, focused all her energy, all of her emotion on Robin. And as easily as reaching out and taking his hand, she felt it. His love for her and her love for him, and let it fill her. His soft voice beside her, whispered, "Light the candle, Regina," and remembering the spell she reached out of its energy.
Hearing his intake of breath, she opened her eyes to find the candle flickering brightly in front of her. Her heartbeat raced, she blinked away tears.
"It worked," she breathed, in awe of herself.
His hands were on her shoulders squeezing gently. "I knew you could."
She turned, gazed up at him, and let out a breathy laugh. "Don't be so smug." Turning back to face the candle she watched as it danced this way and that. Her magic was there. It wasn't gone like the Fae had said and she didn't need her darker emotions her mother instructed her to use to summon it. She reached up and took Robin's hand. "Can we do this?"
He stepped to the side and pulled her into his arms. "Together, we can."
"So, it seems," she mused. Cupping his cheek, she drew his face close to hers. When they were a breath away from their lips meeting, she smiled. "Now it's your turn."
"Challenge accepted, my lady, he chuckled quietly, then took her lips with his and kissed her.
Many hours later, as they lay in each other's arms, her head tucked under his chin and her fingers stroking random patterns across his chest, she leaned up and pressed her lips against his neck. He never did light the imprudent candle, but she had, many times over.
She closed her eyes and nuzzled his jaw line and whispered in his ear, "Thank you."
He grinned as he rolled her underneath him. Kissing her soundly, he mumbled against her lips. "I assure you, my beloved, it was entirely my pleasure."
Arriving outside the council chambers, Regina paused. She took a deep breath and let her eyes fall closed. The darkness doesn't control me, she murmured to herself with another steadying breath while she held onto the little bit of happiness she had only moments before with Snow. She found that if she could hold on to the light, the darkness did not stay with her as long as it would if she had not.
Opening her eyes and straightening her shoulders, she pulled open the door.
"Regina, finally," her mother's voice called from across the room. "Did you drag your feet the entire way here?"
"No, Mother." She closed the door behind her. As she walked into the room, her brow furrowed when she noticed the table where her mother usually placed her spell books was empty, leaving only to mean one thing. Her stomach clenched with unease knowing what was to come.
"I imagine you're wondering what we are doing today," her mother said from behind her.
"More summoning I can imagine," Regina replied.
The only thing she hated more than using her gift. The strength involved took too much of her energy and left her feeling weak for days.
Her mother let out a dark chuckle. Regina met her gaze and smiled. The pleasure in it sent a cold chill down Regina's spine. She could only imagine what her mother came up with.
"I have a surprise for you," her mother said.
Regina opened her mouth to ask what she meant, but then the door to the room opened. Three of her father's guards stepped inside along with a young man. Gagged and chained, his clothes were dirty and tattered. They walked him over to the middle of the room and then pushed him roughly onto his knees.
Regina recoiled, taking a step back.
Despite his dirt smudged face, Regina could tell he wasn't much older than she. Smirking, her mother walked around the cuffed man like a predator stalking its prey. Cora's long, pale fingers reached out and danced over his shoulder and down one arm. His green eyes were panicked and confused when her mother came to a halt in front of him.
"Kill him."
Regina inhaled sharply. Until this day she'd only used her magic to sway minds, never to harm. "Mother?"
Cora turned to her. "What do you think we've been doing here, Regina? There's a reason you're learning, a reason why you've been studying day after day after day. There will be times when you must show people, people wishing to threaten you, that to cross you can mean their own demise. And as a ruler, Regina, you must be prepared for that because I will not always be there to see that the job gets done."
Regina tightened her jaw as she pushed back angry tears knowing to what her mother was referring. The times she failed to persuade the lords her parents bade her to encourage their donations to her father. "Some minds are stronger than others…"
Cora rounded on her. "Then you must be stronger!" Regina took two more steps back, colliding against the table. "Today I'm going to teach you to squeeze the necks of your enemies until they've fallen to their knees and then…" Cora looked back to the young man, a calculating smile forming on her lips, before turning back. "You're going to break them."
Before Regina could object, her father burst into the room. "Cora, what is the meaning of this?"
Her mother gave a long, tired sigh. "This doesn't concern you, Henry."
Her father raised his eyebrows and his head tilted to the side. His voice rose as said, "My own daughter doesn't concern me?"
"Your daughter is weak," she told him. "It is time she learned what it is to be a ruler."
"Cora, you must stop this nonsense this instance. She's just a child!"
Regina jumped at her father's forceful words. Never had he spoke against her mother. He may have been a duke, but it always had been her mother who governed their estate.
"She's a child who in a months' time will be a duchess. A duchess who could, at any moment, assume an empire. Do you want the people to respect her or not?"
"They will fear her even more with what you are doing," he pressed. In four great strides, he closed the distance between them and took her mother by the arms. "Do you not hear the whispers of the kingdom? The new believers are starting to call her evil."
Tears stung in Regina's eyes. They were wrong. The death of Lord Garret and Sir Thomas was her mother's doing. When they realized what Regina was trying to do, to influence them, it was her mother who banished her from the room, and the next morning they both wound up dead- miles from their home. Her eyes closed as she fought to keep her composure.
"Whispers from fools who place their beliefs in one God. Don't you see, that is their weakness. With the help of the Goddess, Regina will bring them all to their knees."
Regina turned away, covering her mouth with her hand to keep from letting out a sound.
"The religion of Old is dying," her father's voice said, slowly, as if speaking to a child.
"The only thing dying around here will be this young man. Very soon."
"Cora, can you not see what is happening?" The harshness to his voice had Regina turning back. His grip on her mother's arms had tightened, and with his rising temper, he shook her, his eyes wild looking. "Do you not see what we're becoming? What we are doing to our daughter?"
Regina's eyes slid from her father onto her mother's face. Wanted to see for herself how little she thought of her because she couldn't have cared. But then, her mother's eyes fell, and with them, the corners of her lips. She waited with her breath caught in her throat for her mother's response. Could she regret all those years they used her gifts?
When she finally did answer it was with a humorless, cold laugh. Her mother shrugged her father's hands off. "We? This was what you wanted. It was you who used her powers for your bidding. You who took her around the kingdom to gather donations. I'm just finishing what you no longer have the spine to do. Now, leave us."
His eyes glanced over Cora's shoulder and met Regina's for a heartbeat. They gentled and slowly slid back onto her mother's becoming hard once again. "It doesn't have to continue," he hissed. "We have want we wanted."
"I'm sorry, Henry, but I'm afraid it does."
"Cora-"
"Guards, take him away from us."
Helpless, Regina watched as her father's own royal guard took him away. Regina wasn't the only one who could control the minds of others.
Cora turned to Regina, her eyes were unyielding and as dark as her heart. She commanded Regina once again to kill the man standing before her.
Regina would remember his eyes. They were bright green with flecks of gold, and they shone brightly when they filled with tears. Regina could scarcely breathe as the man straightened his back and looked up once more. He may have been a thief, a criminal, but he did not deserve to die. Not like this.
"What are you waiting for, child?"
"But…" Regina's eyes flew between the prisoner and her mother. She bit her bottom lip. "Mother, please…"
"No, Regina. I've given you long enough." Cora's voice was hard, her tone leaving Regina little room for protest. Her figure loomed around the young man, and then she made her way over to Regina. Coming up behind her, Cora took Regina by the shoulders and said, "He is a criminal and will pay for his crimes. If it's not by your hand, it will be with an axe against his pretty little neck at dawn. Spare him the pain and do it quickly."
Regina's voice came out in a hoarse whisper, "Mother, I-"
"Do it now, Regina!"
Regina's heartbeat thudded in her chest as she watched the young man struggle against his bonds. The guards held him tightly, there was nowhere for him to go even if he did get free. She shook her head.
"Are you so weak? So pathetic?" Cora sneered, her eyes dropping to Regina's feet and slowly traveling up. "No wonder the king takes no real interest in you. It seems I was wrong about you. How disappointing you've become."
Her mother's statements set a fire inside Regina's blood. How could she say that? After everything she's done to gain her mother's acceptance. Just for once she wanted to make her mother proud. For her to love her the way a mother should. Her jaw clenched, and her eyes narrowed. "I am not weak."
"Then by all means…" Cora walked over to the young man and taking a handful of his hair, yanked his head back to expose his neck. His cry of pain was muffled by the material in his mouth. "Prove it."
She could feel the energy gather in her middle and the tingling in the tips of her fingers as her anger flooded her. Her magic built within her, consuming not only her mind but her heart as well. Raising her hand, she pushed away all thoughts of guilt and whispered an incantation she had been made to recite many times but never used.
The thief's eyes held hers, and his face turned red. The breath left his lungs slowly as her power squeezed.
A tear.
Her eyes caught it as it fell from his eye, and she blinked. What had she done? Grief and overwhelming sadness filled her chest and she dropped her hand. She wished for her mother's love but not like this. Regina did not care if her mother saw her tears and she cried out, "I can't!"
Her mother stared at her. Her expression was a hardened look of disappointment and pity. With a flick of Cora's wrist, the man's neck snapped, and he fell dead at Regina's feet.
Regina let out a sob.
"What did I tell you?" Baroness Cora's voice came from behind her. "Weak."
Cora left the room. The guards followed her, leaving Regina with the prisoner. She fell to her knees, sorrow for the man threatening to overwhelm her. His eyes that were once bright were dull, completely lifeless.
"I'm sorry," she whispered to him.
"Regina, wake up!"
Regina woke with a gasp and sat up. Tears streamed down her face, and her thundered beneath her chest. She became aware of his hands on her arms, and then his voice, saying her name telling her over and over that it was a dream. It was all a dream.
Blinking, she held Robin's worried gaze, and let out a sob as she trembled under his touch. "She wanted me to kill him."
His brow creased. "Who?"
"My mother," she said while attempting to hold back her tears. "She wanted me to be like her. Wanted to teach me how to… kill. There was a man, he'd been caught stealing too many times in the village, he was supposed to be hung but she brought him to me… and I almost did." She wiped away her tears, and when she looked back up at him he was gazing at her without judgement, only gentleness as he waited for her to finish. "I couldn't go through with it, and when I told her I wouldn't she… she did, and I didn't save him."
His head shook slightly, and he reached up, his palm cupping her cheek while his thumb brushed away another tear. "Regina, you cannot blame yourself. There was nothing you could do to stop her."
"Wasn't there? I didn't even try." Another sob broke through, and the next thing she knew his arms wrapped around her, held her to his chest as she cried. "When I first came to your camp I told you that I harmed no one, but that wasn't true. I -I tried… I wanted to prove to her that I wasn't weak. That I could be powerful like her."
"But you didn't," his voice replied, softly. Her eyes closed as his lips fell against her brow. "You didn't give in to those feelings, and that's what makes you stronger than her."
Was she though? As much as she wanted to believe him, Regina wasn't so sure.
