Two years. I can't believe I've been working on this fanfic for two years. Considering my history of unfinished progress (before I took on this penname), I find this phenomenal. Thank you for all of your support and I hope you continue to love this story as much as I do, no matter what happens.
Happy 2nd Birthday, Stygian Solace. Let's have another successful year, yeah?
Author Notes:
As you see, I didn't have enough time to work out an entire new chapter for SS's birthday. My life is hectic right now, and my time is very limited, especially with all these other projects I have going on right now. SS will always be my main priority (despite the wishes of many others), but sometimes it has to suffer too.
So, here's an intermission I pieced together from a lot of character perspectives, to keep you occupied until Chapter 19. Enjoy. :D Or not... It was supposed to be light-hearted and a break from angst, but alas, it sort of turned into something... angstier. X.x; Just think of this as a lot of little drabbles stuck together, I guess.
Intermission Interlude Thingy #3: Waiting in the Shadows
-o-o-
Beauty surrounded him.
The lush, emerald jungle echoed with a cacophony of countless exotic shrieks and wails. Colorful bird after bird swept by with a purr of feathers, just as a silent serpent with gleaming eyes slithered down the trunk of a tree infested with purple vines, and unnamed beasts of nightmares stalked the lower levels of vegetation, tails swishing, claws digging into soft branches. Though Riku had seen many things on his adventure already, this setting, this beauty impressed him the most. This was the kind of adventure he had wished for, back on Destiny Islands.
Unfortunately the heartless had begun to infest this world too... thanks to the trinity's arrival. Those damn creatures were following Riku's keyblade, never failing to hone in on him no matter where he was or who was with him. Leon and Cloud were doing their best to keep his spirits up, but...
Some things they couldn't help. For some civilians of this rich jungle, they had been too late in arriving here...
Not because of the heartless. No...
Because of a human.
A human had hunted some of the animals, and successfully murdered a few. After a skirmish, Cloud and Leon had managed to take the crazed human and his heartless ride down, but...
Now the small, empty eyes of the apes regarded their fallen kind, the bodies carefully laid out by a woman and her apeman friend. The trinity was silent. Only the song of the jungle remained, thrumming above, below, around them, trapping them in this one, sad moment.
Riku had encountered death only a few times in his past and he remembered each moment as though it had just happened. He remembered many things like that, little episodes in his memory that haunted him, retelling better times than this. Better times, and worse.
And here he had another to add to the list.
Death had a certain effect on him. In the beginning the heartless had been easy to fight, as he assumed their bodies merely returned to the darkness whence they came, but now he knew better, and that every heartless he defeated could very well be one of his friends who had been consumed by the storm that had destroyed Destiny Islands.
Was he killing people he knew? Was this right? Death... What would happen if he, the keyblade master, perished in a fight? Fell to the darkness? Lost his heart?
Back home, he'd never had to think of this kind of stuff. Death had never worried him. Giving into the fight, giving into the darkness... That had never been an option. Losing Sora? He'd never even imagined it.
Back home, he had just wanted to be free.
Free from his parents, free from the pressure of expectations, free from...
-o-o-
...that cage, that thin-wired purgatory between the small bird and the vast blue sky. Even a nine-year-old such as yourself had understood what it felt like to be caged that way. Just a flip of a latch, just a pull on the gold wire doors, and your birthday present had been a blur in the sky after that. You'll always remember that subtle blue on blue and rustle of wings.
But your father is furious.
That is evident by angry red cheeks and curling fists as he stalks back and forth across the expensive rugs of his study.
You sit in your chair, hands folded in your lap, your back straight and chin held aloft, the perfect little gentleman as your mother had taught you, even now as you imagine the gavel cracking three times sharply, and wait for your punishment to be announced. Will it be a caning? Will it be no dinner for a week? Will it be a four-month grounding again?
Just what is the price for freedom?
The bird had been pretty, its soft feathers a bright blue like Sora's eyes, and its song like the peaceful tinkling of a wind chime on a breezy day. It had probably made a nice-sized hole in your mommy's purse. You had been surprised on your birthday, but the bird had started reminding you of yourself.
Trapped in an elegant cage of false gold.
Out of place in a world you did not care for.
Misunderstood no matter what you sang.
You don't belong. The bird hadn't either.
Your father is ranting again, running through the list of things he hates about you, of what you are expected to do, of the future he has planned out for you, of why you should be thankful for his upbringing, and—
"Are you listening to me, Riku?!"
"Yes, Sir," is your automatic response to everything.
—and of how your friends are a bad influence on you and that you shouldn't be allowed to wander off to that 'damn island of savages.'
Those savages are your friends. Sora, Kairi, Tidus, Wakka, Selphie... That island is your sanctuary.
Oh God, how you hate your life. How you wish you had been raised like Sora, with a caring mother and the freedom to do whatever you wished, as long as you were home in time for dinner. Or even like Tidus, with a father that at least has his obsessions aimed in the right direction—Tidus, at least raised around something he loves, blitzball, and has the freedom to avoid his testy father whenever he wants. Or even...
Or even like Kairi, with no parents that she can remember, brought up by someone who still loves her, who still sees her as who she is, not who she can be.
Nobody understands you.
You just... want to fly away.
Three days later, after stepping off the ferry to return home from school—no stops, no hellos, no nothing, as your father had instructed—you spy a circle of older boys huddled around a mess of blue feathers. Its wrangled body seems to spell out your own fate, as one of the boys nudges its tattered wing with a stick.
"Looks like a cat got to it," one of them comments.
You want to cry.
But you keep walking, your back straight and chin held aloft, the perfect little gentleman as your mother had taught you. You feel so lonely as you pass by, like you're being swept away. You just want to...
-o-o-
—disappear."
"I won't," he replied, nuzzling his face into my neck. I felt him smiling. "I'll take you with me, Sora. We'll both go." He sounded so much happier now. "We'll build a raft and leave this island—we'll go explore other worlds. How does that sound?"
People were usually wary of Riku's smile, suspicious of his intentions, but I knew better. They said my smile was infectious, but they obviously didn't know Riku very well. When he smiled... really smiled...
It was as great as the first bite of chocolate ice cream after long, hot day of yardwork.
"It sounds awesome!" I laughed, and his arms tightened around me.
I shifted a little, my ancient mattress shaking under us at my movement, and I pulled away enough to look at him. His green eyes were glittering with so much happiness that I couldn't help grinning, feeling my cheeks warm.
"I don't know what I'd do without you, Sora..." he said, his brilliant smile turning a little sad.
Snuggling into his warmer body, I giggled. "Yeah, you'd have to find someone else's bed to sneak into!"
"Like you actually care," he retorted, pinching my pudgy belly.
I yelped, batting his hands away before clinging more tightly to him. "You're mean," I pouted. "And you didn't tell me why you're all anti-social now."
Suddenly his body went rigid. He obviously didn't want to talk about it... He'd probably thought I had already forgotten about what we had been discussing earlier. Was he trying to escape the topic? What was so scary about answering?
"Riku?"
He buried his face back into my neck and breathed. "Fine...."
I twisted my hands in his hair and waited.
"Once in a while... For some reason I get this strange feeling," he said quietly, lifting his head so I could hear him clearly. "I've never told this to anyone before, but... When I'm laughing with everyone, or when I'm reading, or when I'm on the ferry to school, sometimes, all of a sudden, everything goes quiet and..." His fingers curled into my nightshirt. "...and my mind goes somewhere really far away," he said. "When I come back to reality, it seems like a lot of time has passed, but it's really only been a few seconds."
I nodded in encouragement as he paused to collect his thoughts. I recognized the feeling. Didn't it happen to everyone?
"When that happens," he continued softly, "I feel like I'm lost and alone, even though I'm with all of my friends. It's like a voice from deep inside of me is telling me... This isn't where you belong." A gentle shudder ran through his body and he lowered his face once again. "I never understood it before, but... I think I do now."
Left confused and a little shaken, I could only hold onto him, unsure of how to reply to something like that. I think...
I think that was when I realized I loved him.
I never wanted him to be alone. If I could always be there with him... That would be the best thing in the world.
Riku... He really wasn't as strong as everyone thought he was, was he? Especially on these nightly encounters, when he came to visit me because he can't stand it at home... He really was the most sensitive. He was so...
-o-o-
...frail.
"Look at you. Don't you have anything to say about this?"
You shook your head.
Always keep your gaze averted, never meet her eyes, never talk back...
But by the light, you cannot stand her voice, which, you decided long ago, sounded most like a clogged drain sucking down water.
"How can you miss a calculation as simple as this, boy?"
Always remain meek, never try to explain anything... Never defend yourself.
Ignore her spider eyebrows. Ignore them.
"Well. Your father would be furious. Best thank me for not telling him of your serious lack of attention with your studies. Do not even let me get into the mess you've made with your physics assignments. You're thirteen already, young master. You best shape up if you want to be a suitable heir, as you should be."
"Yes, Ma'am."
"Good. Now hold out your hands."
Another punishment?
Obediently you stretched your fingers, tiny little things that looked even more delicate because of your gaudy robes. But your professor never looked at your thin wrists, dwarfed by the large cuffs of your sleeves. She never saw the sharp angles of your ribs like your nanny did whenever she undressed you for your evening baths. Your body is a land where even the angels would fear to tread, too bony, too fragile from all the stress you have had to put up with.
All these studies, all these lessons...
Did they not see your hollow smiles? Did they not notice the lack of enthusiasm in your yellow gaze?
Of course not. The more honest you tried to be, the more you were misunderstood.... and the fact that no one valued the truth as much as you did hurt you even more.
You never meant to be a bad person.
You just wanted acceptance.
Why does everyone feel like your enemy?
As her cane rapped against your frail hands, you did not even bat an eyelid. You were already gone, lost in a quelling of inner thoughts, words.... The burning whispers were back, assuring you everything would be fine in a few years.
When your so-called regal family died, you would be laughing alone... But at least you would be laughing.
Even when her whipping began to cut into your tanned skin, you...
-o-o-
...didn't cry.
Squall never cried.
Maybe that was what drew me to him at that young age. I never asked questions... Maybe that was what kept him near me all those years. After Rinoa's death he had closed himself up, never daring to smile much, talk much. Even meeting someone else's gaze seemed like a curse to him, like he was afraid of getting too close to anyone again, as though they too would be taken from him.
He was an orphan to begin with, a shy, curious little kid with large stormy blue eyes that a person couldn't help falling in love with. We orphans had all been friends, but he had stuck to Rinoa the most. Her brash, straight-forward ways had impressed him probably because he didn't think he had the courage to do the things she did himself. He did, of course.
Have the courage, I mean. Lionheart. He never realized it though.
I doubt he realizes it even now.
It's a curious thing to think about.
Those wings, the ones etched into the back of his jacket as I had seen at the coliseum...
What do they represent? A tribute to Rinoa for her laughter, her influence on the ice cube known as Squall? A sad reminder of a love that never had time to grow? Were the wings Rinoa's own, to guide her spirit safely? To always know where to look to find him?
Perhaps Leon's wings do not even represent anything Rinoa at all. Perhaps they're the lingering sign that Squall had once existed. Perhaps they're his stigma. Perhaps they're for Hollow Bastion, for a life so suddenly left behind, for all those people swallowed by the darkness when he, of all people, had been saved.
Curious, indeed. And why that color? Why wings?
It is almost like a twisted extension of the joke Fate had dealt Cloud and myself, with our own one wings.
Leon is not a Gemini, but he is just as cursed as we are.
Now that I know he is alive, and Cloud is in safe hands, perhaps Squall will...
-o-o-
—open up a little?"
"....."
"C'mon, Squall!"
No.
Stop remembering.
Stop thinking about it.
"Let's get Seifer and go get some ice cream!!"
She's gone.
They're all gone.
Stop thinking about it.
"Leon... You okay?"
Grey eyes raise to meet concerned blue.
"I'm fine, Cloud."
A relieved smile.
"You were there for me, you know," he said, voice suggestive. "If you ever just need to—
-o-o-
...break down and cry.
Oh God, how embarrassing.
Daddy will be so mad. Worried, but mad. That's how it always worked.
I can't get up though... my ankle hurts too much. The rain's just pouring down, soaking my pretty new dress and ruining the hair that Selphie had battled with for so long, threatening strand after strand with tweezers if they didn't behave. They had.
But now it's all ruined!
I can't even feel my tears anymore, the cold rain washing my warmth away.
How long have I been here, in the street, waiting for someone to come help...?
Do I even look human anymore, with all this mud covering me...?
Will I die here from the cold, sprained ankle, looking for all the world like a drowned rat? What will they say when they find my body being pecked at by seagulls?
'Oh, poor Kairi... When she came here a few years ago, I had no idea she'd end up like this. And she'd had so much potential...'
No. That can't happen!
Riku and Sora would never forgive me for something like this, for acting so weak when they're so strong. Sometimes I wish I was a boy, just so I could be that much closer to them... Sometimes I feel so alone, when they're off doing their boy things... wrestling... sparring... Even Selphie can sometimes hold up against them.
But me?
Weak.
I hated being weak.
....Sora... Riku.....
Feeling a new wave of tears, I try struggling to my feet, only to find that my ankle gives out on me again. I crash to the muddy street with a fresh cry of pain, the sound of which is drowned in the downpour.
Oh God... what am I going to do?
Somebody, anybody help me!
"Kairi?!"
Splish-splash Splish-splash Splish-splash Splish-splash
The sound of Sora's large feet never sounded more comforting.
"Kairi.... what happened?!"
I can only...
-o-o-
...crack a dry smile at your own misfortune.
For once you are wasting time, chin resting in one palm, elbow propped on the worn desk you have grown accustomed to working on, your gaze focusing on only the dancing flame in front of yourself. Your free fingers are swirling around the hot wax of the wide-based candle, mesmerized by the texture.
You love the feel of drying wax blanketing your slender fingers, how it is so hot at first but cools down just as it becomes unbearable, how the hardening wax molds around your skin like it is your own.
You never liked the bitter smell of a candle just extinguished, however, because of the way its fleeting death filled your throat and choked you with its thickness.
For a moment you wonder why you are here, idling away your precious time while you have more urgent matters to deal with.
Oh yes.
You miss him, do you not?
It has only been a few days and yet... You feel restless.
Riku is no longer there to reach out to when you are bored with your duties. He is no longer there to ask you those same questions over and over again, to present new and interesting challenges for you to dance your way around, to stir your mind in ways it has no been stirred in a very long time. You already miss the feel of his soft, pale skin under your fingertips.
You once thought you needed only your books to remain content with your life, but if that is indeed true...
What is this empty slit in your heart?
Feelings do not have shape or weight. You cannot measure their size or how deep they run. No one knows that they truly are, but... they can be hurt.
The thing that you dread the most.... For most people it is death, but for you...
It is living.
You are afraid to feel.
And when you are with him....
-o-o-
...there's no reason to pretend.
You were happy. Very happy.
Sephiroth may have been cruel to you a lot of times, Squall may have not particularly cared if you existed, but you were happy today at least. You had gone with them to the lake to fish and they had both been really nice to you. Seifer and some of the others had been there too, but the highlight of your day had been when they had made Squall laugh. A real laugh!
You'd caught a few fish and given them to Nanny to cook for dinner. Sephiroth had complimented you on your fishing. It was a silly thing to dwell on, you knew, but... Was this progress?
Were they finally warming up to you?
And now here you were, waiting in the castle foyer for Lord Ansem to meet with you. You'd been more than surprised to get the summon, but it wasn't like you were scared of him, so you had gladly come. Ansem was really nice, so you were curious as to what he wanted.
Needless to say, you were a little anxious when he finally did arrive. He swept out of the hall with a warm, welcoming smile, his white hair completely down, even his bangs... He looked so much younger that way. His clothes were fancy and expensive as always, so much more than anyone else in town, even some of the other nobles.
You didn't think he did it because he wanted to, however... But probably because it was expected of him. Maybe that was why he gave so much to the orphanage to keep it running.
"You came," he noted positively, reaching a large hand out to you.
Giving a polite bow, you shyly took his hand. His yellow eyes twinkled in amusement.
"Come, I have much to discuss with you, young Cloud."
You nodded, feeling many questions stirring within you, but you're not sure if you're allowed to ask...
"Tell me, Cloud," he said with a slight drawl, pulling you towards the hallway he had come from. "Do you know anything about Gemini?"
Gemini?
"The twins?" you asked, and then look away with a soft blush. "I mean, that's all I really know. Why do you ask?"
His handsome face gave another smile—pleased this time. "I want to invite you to become a... What would you say...? A helper, almost. Perhaps an apprentice. I have chosen two of you children, and I am hoping both of you accept. The extra help in my studies is greatly needed."
You almost leapt at the opportunity, never mind the weirdness of it.
Everyone looked up to Lord Ansem. People would jump at an offer like this, and you weren't about to give it to anyone else. You would ask questions later, yes. A lot of questions. But there was especially one that couldn't help escaping your mouth early.
"Who's the other child you asked, if I may...."
His lips curved into a smirk.
"Sephi—
-o-o-
—roth...?"
"Shh..."
His long finger slowly presses to his lips, cold green eyes glittering through the dim light. He looks like some fallen angel resting there against the faded canvas of the tent, long silver hair spilling around him, his obsidian wing stretched to the side and curving a little forward over the boy sleeping in his lap. It was surreal, seeing both of them like this, just a stream of orange sunlight stretching into the tent and highlighting their pale hair with a fiery glow.
It will be dark soon, and Riku still has not waken up. Cloud would be worried, if he did not trust Sephiroth as much as he did.
Those long fingers curl over and over in the boy's soft, silver hair, a delicate-looking pet that never ceases.
"He looks just like me..."
"Yes..." Cloud agrees. "When will he be up?"
"Not much longer," Sephiroth says quietly, never looking up from studying the boy's colorless face.
"So young..." the blonde man comments, admiring the innocence that remains in Riku's face as he sleeps.
"You were younger," Sephiroth breathes.
And everything falls—
-o-o-
—silent, except for the steady drip-drip of the old leaky faucet that sometimes haunts me at night whenever I try to sleep and concentrate on anything but the dripping.
This will be the last time we take baths together, I can tell. We're too old now... It's gotten so awkward.
He keeps catching me looking at his peepee. I can't help it though! It's so much bigger than mine! Will I be like that in another year? It must be weird.
Riku's cheeks are red now. Is the water that hot? I mean, it's a little warm, but—OH, is he blushing?! Why is he blushing? It must be because I'm staring.
This is so awkward.
Riku, say something!
He clears his throat, which is just as good I guess.
"It's gotten a lot more crowded in here," he comments.
Yeah, we've both grown a lot. I'm going to really miss the days we could hold water wars in the bathtub because we were so little.
"Maybe mom can put in a bigger bathtub? Ohh, like maybe a mini-pool! That would be sooo cool!"
Riku just looks at me, his cheeks still red.
"Sora..."
I give him a wide grin.
I'm going to miss this. What's going to be the next thing to go? Sandcastles, burying each other in the sand, slumber parties, pouring buckets of fishy ice over each other's heads....
-o-o-
....swimming together?
Oh, no, he was wrong. Kairi wasn't anywhere to be seen, unless she had drowned. That meant Sora was probably trying to fish with his bare hands again or something, though that was unlikely too because he was so deep out there.
The water reached up to his elbows with each surge of the waves, and when the ocean waned to rebuild itself, Riku could see the boy's bright blue swimming trunks. That was all he was wearing, except his crown necklace, and he looked really cute today, his shoulders slightly pink with a sunburn from yesterday (unlike Riku who peeled, Sora would be getting a nice tan from that).
But... what was he doing...? Just standing there, looking at the water? That was something Riku was known to do.
He was used to drifting off, daydreaming, but Sora?
Hmm...
He stood there in the water, just watching his best friend, waiting for the boy to do something, wondering, wondering.
Maybe they had more in common than he'd thought.
He was used to stopping and listening to the call. He had thought no one else ever heard it, yet... what else could Sora be doing?
Something was calling them.
Riku heard it all the time.
In a crowd, walking along the main island's cobblestone sidewalk, alongside the cracked seawall, in the ferry going home, with the setting sun shining in...
When he was sitting on his tree... Even in his dreams.
Something always stormed deep inside his heart, and he would get a feeling that something was going to change...
It made him restless. He didn't know what it meant, and he didn't understand it...
But...
Did Sora hear it too?
Or was he just trying to listen?
Without realizing what he was doing, Riku began wading deeper, fighting against the icy hands of the waves trying to push him back to the warm, golden shore. Sora must have heard him coming, but the boy didn't turn, didn't even acknowledge him until Riku was practically on top of him, arms draped over his shoulders and hard, wet, cold shirt-covered chest pressed to his bare back.
The boy flinched a little, snapping out of his reverie with a slight whine.
"Rikuuu..."
"Soraaa..." Riku tossed back, clenching his hands together in front of Sora. It might have just been the sunburn, but he thought he saw the boy's cheeks flush a little. "What are you doing out here by yourself?"
"Just thinkin'..."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah."
Riku smirked, leaning his head against Sora's and gazing down at the ocean lapping around their bound bodies.
"Well, let me think with you."
The ocean was calling again, beckoning, even as its rocky current tried to pull the boys apart. If the ocean was like their future, when they finally set sail on that raft, even if he clung desperately to him, Riku wasn't sure that he could tell Sora he'd always be...
-o-o-
...with him.
I should have never come with him.
I should have never come with him.
Never.
"Oh come on, Squallie," he laughed. "What's the worst that can happen? And I thought you wanted to find out what happened to Lord Ansem and the others? Seph and Cloud? Or are you too scared you'll end up like your boyfriend?"
"Seifer..." I warned, eyes narrowing into cold slits. As always, he was the only one who could get a rise out of me.
"You're scared," he said, grinning a little maliciously as he spun around to face me. "Come on, I bet we'll find something up ahead."
But we never got to check up ahead. That had been my first encounter with the heartless. I remember standing there, wanting nothing more than to be back home, curled up with a good book to forget all about the disappearances that were happening around town. People had been claiming it was Ansem's doing, that one of his experiments had go awry and he'd succumbed to madness, and now his experiments had escaped.
Ansem had been a good man. A little weird and aloof, but... that was what I had liked about him. He'd reminded me of myself. He'd always been kind to me, to the other kids too...
But Seifer had believed the rumors, and that was why we had been wandering the bastion that fateful night.
Five minutes into our little adventure to discover the secrets behind the disappearances, the heartless had attacked.
Too many of them.
I had gotten away with just a scar—thanks to Seifer's bad aim...
But Seifer had stayed behind.
Had he perished there, or had he survived until the entire world had fallen...?
I still wonder.
I still worry.
I still feel that ache, though now it has lessened, knowing at least Cloud and Sephiroth are safe.
We're safe.
We'll win this fight.
We'll move on.
We'll go—
-o-o-
—together.
Always together. He won't let you stray too far by yourself, probably worried for you...
But... Leon's so cold.
So cold.
You want to make him smile. You want to give him what he's given you.
He comforts you, provides his silent strength when yours gives out, when you feel their stares and wish once again that you were normal, that you weren't cursed... That you didn't have this damn wing. That...
That you were a better friend.
He's suffered so much but he's still standing tall, his face is still dry, and he's as guarded as he was all those years ago.
Just what would it take to hear him laugh... A real laugh?
He's helped you so much, but what can you do?
Leon... what do you want?
Why...
-o-o-
...do you care?"
"I... don't know...."
He whimpers, more out of fear than passion. What is this shudder I am feeling? What is this satisfied groan of mine supposed to mean? I do not know. I am not sure I want to know.
The known already frightens me enough.
"I... I just...!"
A soft moan issues from his flushed lips, his pretty sea-green eyes rolling back into his head as my fingers tighten their hold on him.
Such a complicated creature with simple needs.
He was trying to love me to escape his fears.
I was loving him back to find my own.
"You just...?"
"Nngh!"
A pleased grin pulls across my lips as I redouble my efforts, intent on driving him to the edge. He will regret doing this, yes. But I can enjoy him while I still have him. This will be our final time together.
I am tired of his questions. I am tired of leaving him confused.
I do not lie, no. I deliver the truth as I see it is needed.
I do not withhold secrets, no. I fabricate them.
"Riku..."
"Ahh... Shit... Yami...!"
I freeze.
Of course...
That name...
Not my real name....
He squirms beneath me, confused as to why I have stopped. His eyes swirl with emotion, a despairing kind of regret. He knows what he is doing, but he wants it anyway. Shimmering tears make their way down his flushed cheeks, staining the white sheets of a foreign bed.
I wish I could steal him away again, back to my own domain, but...
Sora is there.
Id is there.
I don't want to risk it.
My fingers slip into his wet silver hair.
"Riku... Please do not call me that."
"What..?" He is disoriented for a moment. "Then what... What should I call you? Isn't it Yami?"
I shake my head, but...
His question?
I do not know....
-o-o-
...how to answer something like that, something so personal, so emotionally scarring.
"I know!!" Sora cried, burying his face in his pillow and trembling. "It's just... I miss him." He sucked in a sharp breath, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to pour out, burning at his eyes, even though he had them closed so tightly, so tightly. "I want to see him. I want to be with him. I'm going crazy without him. Going through my day-to-day life is torture."
Forget about him. He betrayed you.
Id.
Why was he so cruel to Riku?
"I-I can't... I love him..."
Sora breathed, letting down the dam just a little, a few hot tears leaking out to stain his dry skin. His voice sounded so desperately reassuring. Did he really mean all this? Or was he just saying this because it's what he should be saying?
Yes.
Yes, he meant this.
With all of his heart, even the dark side of it.
"I just want to know what I did wrong..." he said, voice thick, murky with emotion. "What led him to do that, with Yami... after such a perfect night together with me. What did I do? Was I not good enough...?"
It wasn't your fault. Stop worrying about him and concentrate on revenge.
"Revenge...? No... I don't want to hurt him..."
Never. Riku didn't deserve that...
He was probably just as confused as Sora was...
And why not?! After he did that to you? And now he's forgotten you, running off with his new friends to fight you!
"I don't care about that..."
Why not?!
"Because..."
Because why?
Why, Sora? Why don't you care about that?
"Because," Sora said quietly, certain. "He needs me. He'll never forget me."
I don't understand.
It was all so clear.
Just like back at home...
"Riku's always pretended to be strong..." Sora explained, so suddenly sure of himself. "He'll do anything to keep that image. Whenever something bad happened to him, like his father got mad at him and hurt him, or when his bird died... he'd bottle his emotions up until later when we were alone... and then he'd cling to me, never crying, just shaking and letting me comfort him."
But what does he have to be upset about? You were the one hurt.
Sora shook his head, reaching a hand up to wipe his eyes. Even if no one else understood, he had to. Riku wasn't as strong as everyone thought he was. Riku...
"He has plenty to be upset about," Sora said, defensive. "Right now he's pretending to be strong by continuing his mission or whatever... But actually, he wants nothing more than to curl up with me, never crying, just shaking and letting me comfort him."
Then why haven't you gone to him?
Oh.
That... That was a good question...
"I-I dunno..." he admitted. "I'm scared, I guess."
What would happen...? What would he do? Say? If he saw him again...
You're scared about why he slept with someone he said he hated.
"No, I'm not worried about that," he ensured, eyes shining with more tears, but this time of a different resolution. "I know he loves me."
Then what...?
He looked up, staring into the shadows of his room, feeling his anti-Rikus stir a little against his warmer body.
"I guess I'm worried... he'll cry."
He'll cry?
A nod, and then...
A real smile.
"I never want to see him cry."
Because for some reason I have trouble coming up with my own meaningful character interior monologues, some of the deeper thoughts in here came from a variety of sources, from song lyrics to quotes in manga. I tweaked some of them to fit the setting, but I still disclaim the ones you may or may not recognize. :D;; Most of them were my own, so stop looking at me like that! T-T
Well, see you at Chapter 19!
