Chapter 26: Scars of the Soul
Unna'Karis: That was the first time he ever told you his first name?
Tali'Zorah: It was, and to be honest it is not surprizing. When was the last time you heard the name "John Shepard?"
Unna'Karis: It's not even on his tomb if I remember right, it's "Commander Shepard."
Tali'Zorah: Exactly. Aside from his immediate family, he was always rather impersonal.
The walk back up the steps of the amphitheater seemed much longer then it had been coming down. Grunt was carrying a large chunk of chitchin from the thresher maw, and Shepard was doing his best to ignore that fact. Tali was beside him, and while they were not holding hands, they were a lot closer than humans generally were comfortably. Quarians had no real concept of personal space, not when they lived in such cramped quarters. Humans on warships also had a much less defined sense of personal space, but the new Normandy was spacious, and Shepard had been keeping his distance from everyone.
'Probably for the same reason he broke down back there.' She thought.
She glanced at him again and mouthed the word "John." It was funny, she had known him for a long time now, even met his mother, but she had never really thought about his first name. She had probably heard it in a news cast or read it in a document at some point, but she didn't remember. The name fit him though, simple, strong and beautiful. Tali wondered if and when it would be appropriate to actually use that name though. Technically they were no longer an actual military unit, but he was still the ship's captain and Tali's superior.
As they mounted the final step, a group of krogan warriors led by Uvenk in heavy armor with the glow of biotic force.
"Well, that was impressive-"
BOOM
The sound of a sniper round echoed through the ruins, and Uvenk slumped to the ground with a mass accelerator round through his head.
Shepard stepped forward, hefting the rifle. "Alright. I've had a bad day. I'm not in the mood for any of your shit. Now either scram, or I start target practice."
"Wasn't he the one curled up on the ground crying when the thresher showed up?" One of the krogan whispered.
BOOM
That krogan also slumped to the ground, dead.
"Any more comments from the peanut gallery!?" Shepard screamed, his eyes wild.
Tali pointed her shotgun at the others. "Shepard's not the only one in a bad mood."
While krogan were likely not familiar with the phrase "discretion is the better part of valor," even if their clan chief was a Shakespeare nut, they showed remarkable discretion and decided they had pressing business elsewhere.
Grunt let out a heavy sigh. "Did you have to scare them all off? I was ready for more."
Patting Grunt on the back, Tali leaned in close and whispered, "Today is probably not a good day to argue with Shepard."
"It never is." Grunt rumbled.
They made their way back to the vehicle where the shaman and guards waited. Grunt stepped forward and knelt before the ancient krogan.
"You have completed the Rite of passage, and earned the honor of clan and name. Many survive, but it has been years since a Thresher Maw fell. The last was at the feet of our chief, Urdnot Wrex." The shaman intoned.
Tali was impressed. If the last krogan to take out a Maw on foot had been Wrex, that meant it had been at least half a millennia since that had happened. Her appreciation for her uncle's combat skills went up quite a few notches, as did Grunt's.
"You may now own property, join the army, and apply to serve under a battle master." The shaman continued.
"Shepard is my battle master!" Grunt declared, "He has no equal."
The shaman simply nodded. "Understood. Accept this token from Fortack. His weapons are the finest we have. Congratulations, Urdnot Grunt."
The assembled guards jumped and pounded their fists, bellowing in approval. Grunt rose, and the party re-boarded the transport.
The ride back was just as bouncy as it had been before. Tali found she was sliding closer and closer to Shepard, and he to her. It might have been coincidental, but the way Shepard always managed to land just a few millimeters closer to her made her think it was not. She felt her pulse speed up, and as they touched a sense of warmness suffused her. He even seemed relaxed, though his eyes were still red from the tears and the agitation of dust.
The ride was over all too soon, and Tali was surprised to find Wrex waiting side by side with Kelly for them.
"Hmm." Wrex rumbled as they piled out, "Is this what it will take to replace me?"
Grunt looked the old krogan up and down. "You were the last to kill a thresher maw?"
A predatory grin spit Wrex's face. "I was. And it was at least half again as big as the baby you got."
Grunt nodded, studying Wrex for a long moment. "Perhaps one day I will replace you as clan leader. For now though, I follow my battlemaster."
Wrex's eyes flitted to Shepard for a moment. "Good call. For a short lived human, he's got more combat experience then just about any two krogan you care to name. Except me of course."
During the conversation, Kelly sidled up to Tali. "We need to talk." She whispered.
Tali nodded, and followed Kelly off while the krogan and Shepard started boasting about their victories. Tali's heart skipped a beat when Shepard's previous experience with thresher maws came up, but when she looked over he was laughing and boasting about his survival skills. Apparently, that particular nightmare didn't' have quite the same hold in the halls of a friend.
They found a secluded spot, and Kelly suddenly turned, her face grim. "I know it finally happened. Shepard snapped. I've known it was coming for a long time. I had EDI alter his suits readings during the combat, this cannot get back to the Illusive Man. Shepard is to important, and far too fragile at the moment, to be taken off this mission. I want details Tali. I heard you singing and what was said, but facial expressions and body language can be even more vital."
The sudden shift from chipper airhead to suddenly serious psychiatrist was startling, but not entirely unexpected. Tali had begun to suspect there was a lot more to Yeoman Chambers then met the eye, and now it was plain to see Kelly had not gotten her position due to lack of merit. So Tali told her everything. Shepard freezing up at the first sight of the thresher maw. The look of absolute despair on his face while he wept about lost comrades and dead gods. His slow calm while she stroked his hair and sang. And his violent, abrupt execution of Uvenk and his guard.
Kelly took it all in, a look of concentration on her face. Worry lines appeared where once had been only dimples and happiness. It was almost painful to see, and Tali wondered which was the mask. The consummate professional, or the cheerful girl.
"Well. I think you handled that perfectly Tali. I knew something like this was coming, that's why I came down. I never thought he would encounter a thresher maw here, but it makes sense as a trigger. Even Shepard can only take so much before something snaps." Kelly said, massaging her temple.
"I suppose the real question is whether or not he's fit to command now." Kelly added after a moment's silence.
"How can you even think about that!" Tali hissed, fury filling her voice, "Shepard is at the edge of a break down and your worried about the mission! What about him!"
"Because no matter how important he is, Shepard is one man. We have the entire human race, the entire galaxy to worry about." Kelly answered, her face grim. "And as much as I love and value Shepard I love and value the rest of humanity just as much."
"Is that what it's about! Balancing lives!" Tali demanded, her fists clenching in anger.
A smile played on Kelly's lips and she shook her head. "No Tali, it's about balancing love. I do love the commander, but I love everyone just as much. I love the children, the elderly, the drunks, the whores, the politicians, the journalists, even the lawyers. I love them all and value all their lives. And frankly, if Shepard is having a crisis, the battlefield is the last place he should be for his own safety."
Taking a deep breath, Tali forced herself to calm down. What Kelly was saying was true. If the collectors really were rounding up humans for slaughter they had to be stopped. If Shepard was no longer the man to do it the one who was had to be found and brought in.
"I just don't know what John would say about it." Tali grumbled, "Being a hero is all he has left."
A real smile broke out on Kelly's face. "So he told you his name, did he?"
The fact that Kelly Chambers, a Cerberus hireling who Shepard had known only a short while had known his first name before Tali hurt for some reason. "Yes."
Kelly put a reassuring hand on Tali's arm. "Hey, don't be jealous now. There is nothing between myself and the Commander. I only know his name because I've read every psych eval on him since he was a child. He's just Commander Shepard to me, but he's more to you."
Suddenly, Kelly's eyes widened and she let out a less shrill version of the squeal when she had petted the Varren, "Oh my gosh! That would be the best thing for him! The best treatment possible!"
Tali took a step back, confused. "What would? What are you talking about? What treatment?"
Kelly grabbed Tali's arms and jumped up and down. "You! The two of you! Shepard is a very focused, very dedicated person. He works best when he has something to fight for, a reason to keep on going. Saving the human race is all well and good, but it's pretty impersonal when you think about it. You though, you're very personal! Love conquers all, even the wounds in Shepard's soul!"
This time, Tali blushed in embracement instead of anger. " But- That's not what it's about! I'm not just a panacea for John's heart! I want there to be room for me, the real me, not just the girl who makes him feel better."
Kelly calmed down a bit and rolled her eyes. "Tali, please. What exactly we're you going to build your relationship on? Camaraderie ? He get's that from Garrus, but he's obviously not in love with him. Your both hurting people whether you see it or not. It wouldn't be just you healing him, it goes both ways."
"But I'm not-" Tali couldn't finish that sentence, because suddenly the metal image of Ven, Leewie, even Prazza flashed in her mind. And Tali hated to say it, but her father's cold behavior toward her lately went through her head as well.
"Ok, maybe I do have a few emotional scars of my own." Tali admitted, but when Kelly just looked at her with an amused expression, she continued, "Fine, a lot of emotional scars. But this is about Shepard, not me. How do you know he even loves me like that?"
Kelly started ticking points off on her fingers. "Item: Out of all the people he knew before he was revived, two stuck with him, and ones a turian he's best buds with. Item: When Shepard broke down again, it was you who picked him back up. Item: You're sexy by human standards even with the suit and face mask, and men love a mysterious beauty. Item: You've know each other for years and trust each other completely. Item: I've watched him look at you when you walk. He thinks the wolf whistle so loud varren turn their heads."
"The what whistle?" Tali interrupted.
Kelly whistled two sharp notes that meant absolutely nothing to Tali, but she glanced over at Shepard and noticed him looking in their direction. Kelly made a weird gesture with her thumbs pointed up from balled fists while she gave Shepard an exaggerated wink. He grinned sheepishly at Tali then went back to boasting with the krogan, who had busted out several kegs of what Tali assumed was alcohol and were passing out frothing mugs.
"And finally, Item: There's the fact that when he heard that, he looked at you, not me." Kelly finished with a grin.
"Quarian's don't whistle." Tali managed lamely.
"Oh?" Kelly's eyebrows shut up, "Do you not have lips?"
"What? Of course we do!" Tali exclaimed.
Kelly nodded sagely. "Oh, then you can probably kiss then."
This just devolved Tali into incoherent sputtering. She knew what kissing was, asari were found of the practice and since virtually every love story had an asari (or two) in it somewhere the practice was widespread now. Even species that had no business kissing had picked it up, like the turians. Quarians though almost never touched bare skin, and the thought of lips, portals full of bodily fluids and disease, touching was enough to give most hysterics, or at least hives.
Kelly waited for Tali to stop sounding like a pyjak having a heart attack and then patted her arm gently. "You really are a sweet and pure girl Tali, and right now, I think that's something Shepard wants desperately. Play it however you want, but make sure Shepard knows your IN play. Men are dense at the best of times, and I think Shepard is probably about as clueless as they come."
Kelly skipped away to join in the festivities, and after a moment Tali followed. At some point Garrus had come back with Jack and Mordin, their mission evidently also a success. Mordin and Wrex were in a corner talking urgently and quietly about something, and Garrus and Shepard were toasting with the krogan home brews. Garrus couldn't drink any, but that didn't stop him from slopping it all over the place and swigging liberally from a hip flask he and produced from somewhere.
The krogan didn't seem like anyone Tali really wanted to talk to at this point, all far too loud and boisterous. Kelly was having the time of her life talking animatedly to the shaman about krogan culture and psychology, or what passed for psycology among krogan. So Tali stayed at the edges, wandering around and wondering what exactly to do while the krogan celebrated the newest member of their clan.
Grunt endlessly repeated the tale of his battle with the thresher maw. Somehow, he had figured out a way to weave in a Tyrannosaurs into the story. Apparently, he had ridden at top it while he fought a squad of turians that had mounted the Thresher Maw, and done battle with a mixture of laser swords, sonic yells and fists. It was utterly ridiculous, but several krogan had gotten hold of Grunt's crayons and were hard at work recreating the lavishly embellished tale with wax and paper while Grunt supervised.
"Fucking stupid way to raise kids." A voice near Tali muttered, and she turned to find Jack crouched in an alcove while she looked on.
"It seems to work for them." Tali said as she flopped down next to the biotic.
Jack's eyes flicked to Tali, then went back to watching the festivities. "Yeah, well, I was raised in an arena myself so I guess I shouldn't judge to harshly."
"Oh?" Tali asked, this had been the first time she had heard anything out of Jack that wasn't profanity or a calculated insult.
"Yeah. Made me fight in it. Pumped me full of drugs, then had me fight. Other kids, animals, trained soldiers. I ripped them all to shreds. Because I was the strongest." Jack said.
"I got out though. And I'm looking for the place. When I find it, I'm going to blow it the fuck up." Jack finished with a snarl.
That was a revelation to Tali. As far as she had known Jack was just a criminal who happened to also be the strongest human biotic ever born. That she had been raised in arena and made to fight since she was a girl...
"Who did that to you?" Tali asked softly.
Jack grunted. "Fucking guess who."
"Cerberus." Tali spat, "Those animals are wherever something bad happens. Those experiments we found in the traverse the attack on the fleet. Killing Ven..."
Tali noticed Jack's eyes were now fixed on her. "Boyfriend?"
Tali shrugged. "He would have been, if he hadn't taken a Cerberus bullet for me."
"Tough shit."
Tali couldn't really think of an answer to that one, so they sat for a few minutes in silence.
The silence was broken by Jack. "You know what Sparkles wants me to do?"
Tali just grunted softly, not really sure if she wanted to know.
"She wants me to submit my shit to Galactic Poetry Monthly."
"Huh?" The startled noise escaped Tali before she could stop herself. She had read a few pieces from Galactic Poetry Monthly, mostly love poems by humans. Quarian poems were not usually appraised by other races.
Jack ducked her head under her arms, which she had crossed over the uplifted legs. "She made me read a few of them to her. She liked them, said they were good."
"You write poetry?" Tali finally managed.
Jack looked up, a blue glow covering her body. "You wanna fucking make something of it?"
Shrugging, Tali stretched from her sitting position. "I don't know, I sort of like poetry. Can you tell me one of yours?"
Jack hid her face again, the glow fading. After a brief pause, mumbled, " My soul
Burns
With a fire of darkness
Quenched only in the pain
Of loneliness
I hold my breath waiting
Until spots appear black as the past
And fill my lungs up with lies of hope
I mark myself
Black and jagged
To cover the scars
That make me a monster
A warning
This is not a place of honor
No esteemed dead are buried here."
One eye peaked up from tattooed flesh at Tali, scowling at her.
"That is good." Tali said after a thoughtful moment. "It reminds me of the time I got my whole team killed on Haelstrom."
Another eye poked out. "A bad time?"
"The worst." Tali answered, her voice choked with emotion.
The eyes disappeared again. "Good."
After a few more hours the party finally died down and the crew of the Normandy made their way back to the shuttle. Tali, Jack and Mordin were the only ones even remotely sober, even though Mordin had sampled the krogan drink.
"Fast metabolism. Alcohol dissipates quickly. Good in college, made parties more practical." Mordin explained as he helped Tali heft Shepard into the shuttle.
Jack had been forced to use her biotics to lift Grunt, and since Garrus had been limited to the dextro brandy he had in his flask, he was sober enough to walk the completely wasted Kelly to the shuttle.
"Man, you salarians can take the fun out of anything." Garrus complained as he stumbled aboard.
"Shut up turian." Grunt mumbled. "Turians are always wrong."
Tali took her seat behind Shepard, putting his head in her lap as he snored away. The sight of him propped up with his head on Tali's lap reduced Kelly to hysterical giggles, and she prodded Garrus.
"They've totally hooked up. Pay up." She insisted.
"They haven't done anything interesting yet. I'm keeping my money." The turian slurred.
The exchange made Tali grateful Shepard was passed out. She didn't think their love life being a betting pool would help at all. If anything, it made her want to do something violent.
It was a short ride up to the Normandy, and on the way Tali managed to rouse Shepard enough that everyone stopped haggling about whether or not they had "hooked up."
"Alcohol, short term solution to long term problems." Mordin observed as they docked with the Normandy.
"You got a better one doc?" Shepard grumbled as he wiped his mouth from the bile he had just spewed up into a sick bag.
The salarian nodded. "Yes, but takes more work then emptying bottles."
Shepard just moaned and buried his face into the bag again.
"Charming." Tali remarked.
That sent Kelly off into another fit of giggles, and Tali stuck her tongue out at her. Kelly couldn't see it of course, but it did make Tali feel a bit better.
Somehow, Tali got the job of helping the now semi-coherent Shepard up the elevator to his quarters. Thankfully, it was a straight shot and Shepard and basically emptied his stomach already. They managed to get inside, and Tali made Shepard strip down and step into the shower, which she directed EDI to make it as cold as she could without killing him.
It was the first time Tali had ever seen him, or anyone else for that matter, naked. Quarians didn't really have a nudity taboo so much as it was utterly impossible to be naked 99.9% of the time. Even couples didn't usually strip down for the act of love making, that much skin on skin contact was a sure fire way to get very ill, not to mention the hazards of being exposed to the environment. From what she knew of anatomy and the pictures of naked quarians and other species she had seen, Tali realized that humans really didn't look all that different from quarians. Shepard was peach where quarians would be given to grey or soot colors, but Shepard's skin was remarkably pale here his suit covered the skin. He was also covered in hair. Quarians had hair too, and from what Tali had seen of her father's skin males were hairier in both species though her pool of quarian samples was limited to only her father.
The similarities didn't end there, the parts all seemed to be pretty much the same too. Admittedly, any bodily fluids would be toxic to the other species, but for some reason Tali found it comforting. At least they were... compatible.
Shepard stood under the cold water, shifting from foot to foot for a few minutes before Tali decided he had sobred up enough and had EDI shut it off. She tossed him a towel, a sign of the extravagance of Cerberus since normally people air dried, and a set of clean clothes.
"You didn't have to stay." Shepard mumbled as he quickly dressed himself.
"Maybe I wanted to, John." Tali answered, "As a bit of payback for all that puking you did."
He grunted and finished pulling on his clothes. Tali helped him hobble over to the bed. On the nightstand was a picture of his mother in full dress uniform with him and a man Tali had never seen.
"Your father?" She asked, picking the picture up. She pressed the button on the side and a new picture appeared, of Shepard as a young boy in a uniform with his mother.
"Yeah." Shepard answered, sitting up. "Don't even know where the old bastard is. Hadn't talked to him in years. Guess I probably should, though I'm starting to understand why he's always so far down a bottle."
The idea that Shepard was starting to take after his alcoholic father pained Tali, so she changed the subject. "What about your mother? Have you talked with her at all?"
Shepard grimaced and looked away. "What is there to talk about? 'Hey mom, I died, but I got better!'"
"I told her you were only mostly dead."
That brought a shadow of a smile. "Did you now? You ever watch that vid?"
Tali felt a surge of relief. Old vids were easier to talk about then absent family. "No, what's it called?"
Shepard lay down and closed his eyes. "The Princess Bride. We'll have to watch it together sometime. Miranda has a copy, she's a fan as well."
"Will Miranda have to be there?" Tali found herself asking.
Shepard opened one eye. "No. Just us if you want."
Tali nodded, leaning over and closed the eye. "Then I'll look forward to it. Sleep well, John."
Tali walked to the elevator, turning to see if Shepard was asleep. His chest rose and fell regularly, but she thought she had seen his eyes close just as she turned. Like he was watching her. She put an extra bit of waggle in her hips as she stepped over the threshold, just in case.
Tali made her way down to find a very pale, suddenly sober Kelly and a grim Garrus waiting for her.
"What is it? Has the Illusive Man found out?" Tali demanded.
"Found out what?" Garrus asked, then waved it aside, "That's not important. There's a message for you. Kelly checked it, standard procedure for a covert ops mission, and it's not good."
Tali felt her blood run cold. Could the admiralty be withdrawing her? "What is it?"
Kelly bit her lip. "You've been accused of treason."
Unna'Karis: You? Treason?
Tali'Zorah: It's something the history books have kindly forgotten. Wouldn't want to make the Lady savior of the quarian people look bad, would we?
Unna'Karis: Was it true?
Tali'Zorah: Suffice to say that I am about to tell you secrets that have been long buried.
Authors Note:
Whoa, thanks ever so much readers! I wasn't planning on posting this until after Christmas, but the sheer number of people that reviewed and sent me PM's inspired me :)
To answer a couple of oft repeated questions:
Q. Is Shepard OOC?
A. Yes and no. He's OOC from cannon, but cannon Shepard is a machine that never really emotes. This Shepard is a part of a love story, and as such is in character for that. Love stories are more interesting when they are about emotionally vulnerable people that have deep passion inside them, so no, hes not OOC for this fic.
Q. Will you finish this!?
A. Yes, in fact I've planned the rest of this fic out in an outline. Things have taken a bit longer then I thought they would in places, but I can comfortably say that by this point we are about halfway through.
Q. Why is your spelling/grammar soooo bad?
A. Spelling and grammar are NOT my strong points. Story and character development are. If you see an error, tell me and I will try and fix it. I KNOW I make them, I don't try to and I do proof read but they happen. I am personally fairly dyslexic and have a hard time spelling words I haven't just flat out memorized. Also, spell check doesn't like alien names and sometimes auto corrects them to stupid things.
Q. John? Seriously, default name?
A. Shepard in this fic is not the main character. He's obviously important, but I want him to be the everyman Tali falls in love with in the games. As such, I picked the default name. You can assume he looks like whatever you want though.
Q. Ending?
A. /facepalm. It will be kinda cannon. Sorta. If you squint real hard.
