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MohawkWoman: Of course it isn´t said that Lillian is right about her thoughts about Connor´s behaviour towards Emily. ;) There will be an explanation later on in the story. But it will take a while until then. Honestly, I didn´t write it yet. :D
The end of all similarities
Luckily it didn´t take long until Emily had calmed down. I carried her upstairs and lay her into her cradle, hoping to get some time for myself like that, so that I could have some peace on my own. I closed the curtains and left the door slightly open, before I went downstairs and sat down at the table in the kitchen. My face buried in my hands, I thought back to my conversation with Ray. I just couldn´t realize that my brother had changed so much. What was necessary to make a man change his whole personality and lose his mind? What was going on in Ray´s mind? What was he reproaching the people he was harming for and why did he want to protect me from them? He even talked about protecting me from Emily. A child. An innocent baby. He was totally insane. But was this realization satisfying? Not really, but there was no use for racking my brains anyway. I just hoped that Connor wouldn´t use it against me again that I had talked to Ray at all. Maybe I should have screamed in panic for the whole homestead to hear...
I ran my shaky hands through my hair and commanded myself to pull myself together and to distract myself with work. There was nothing else left anyway. So I started with the preparations for dinner, but was interrupted as Emily´s crying sounded. I went to her, cared for her, laid her back into her cradle and stayed with her, until she had returned into the world of dreams. She had just fallen asleep when I heard steps on the staircase, but when I left the bedroom, I could only see and hear how the door to Caleb´s room closed.
"I hope for you that you haven´t smuggled anything into your room again", I said towards the door but didn´t get an answer.
If he had done something wrong, he would have protest already.
Shrugging my shoulders I went downstairs again. Caleb was quite rebellious recently and the last thing I needed was an argument with an adolescent. As long as he hadn´t taken anything from Connor´s arsenal, I didn´t care why he had retreated into his room. I attended to the preparing of vegetables again, as the front door was opened shortly afterwards. Or rather: It was slammed open, according to the loud bang as it hit the wall.
"Lillian?", Connor´s worried voice sounded and finally his hurried steps in the hallway, after I had given a reply.
He appeared tensed and also hounded when he stopped in the doorframe and let his gaze roam through the room at first, before he finally looked at me, who was sitting at the table with a grim expression, pushing a bleeding forefinger into her mouth. The banging of the door had startled me so much that the knife had slipped away.
"Are you well? Is he gone?"
I didn´t even ask whom he was talking about. The pain in my finger became irrelevant in an instant and I angled for a clean rag from the shelf behind me, to wrap it around my wound, while I answered.
"Nothing happened. He was just in front of the house and wanted to talk to me. We spoke shortly, I sent him away and went inside again."
Connor frowned. "Where did he go?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "Into the forest. I didn´t pay much attention to it. I doubt that you will catch him. It´s a bit more than an hour ago."
"And you where here in the kitchen for the whole time?"
His question confused me, as well as this alarmed expression in his eyes, but I nodded slowly.
"I was upstairs with Emily for a few minutes but beside that, I was here."
"And nobody came inside?"
"Caleb did, but he disappeared in his room without talking to me. He didn´t come downstairs since then either."
Connor´s expression hardened when I said this, he put a hand on his tomahawk and turned away in the next moment. Surprised by this reaction, I leaped onto my feet and followed him.
"What´s wrong?", I asked and Connor stopped at the landing of the staircase, looking upstairs.
"Some homesteaders saw a stranger in a cape coming here a few minutes ago", he said quietly and looked at me seriously. "And Caleb is by the mill."
When is words reached my mind, it felt like an ice cold hand was seizing my heart.
"It wasn´t Caleb?", I whispered with my eyes wide in shock, as it became aware to me that my brother probably had come back, had sneaked into the house and had hid in Caleb´s room, before I could see him. If this was the case, he was still upstairs. As well as...
"Emily!"
Connor couldn´t grab me in time, as I pushed myself past him and ran upstairs. I almost stumbled, but I wanted to get into our bedroom as quickly as possible. I had to make sure that my baby was fine. I pushed the slightly open door entirely open and stayed in the doorframe like frozen. By my daughter´s bed stood Ray, looking down at the little sleeping girl, while he was gently rocking the cradle with one hand.
"You were always sleeping so peacefully, too, when you were so little", he said in an almost scarily calm voice. "Sometimes I sneaked to your cradle because I wanted to know what was making the difference between the legitimate child and the...bloody bastard. You weren´t different from me. Only the fabrics you were wrapped in were made of the finest materials."
I didn´t know what to say. My only impulse was it, to drag him away from Emily, as far as possible. But something inside of me was telling me that I shouldn´t act rashly. I didn´t know what Ray was probably capable of, especially when I thought of his last words from our previous conversation.
You will talk to me. You will understand.
That´s why I held Connor back, as he wanted to push himself past me and into the room. His hand was still laying on his tomahawk and according to his expression, he would have liked to keep Ray away from our daughter, but probably he would do it less gentle than I would. But luckily he obeyed my silent request, although he wasn´t thrilled by it.
Ray in comparison was entirely unmoved by our tension. He kept rocking Emily and neither raised his eyes as he continued talking.
"I wanted to hate you at first. Sometimes I wanted to grab you and throw you out of your cradle." I winced as Ray bent down and lifted Emily out of her bed. She lightly kicked her legs, but stayed asleep. I was glad about it. Ray only held her on one arm and went with unhurried steps to one of the windows. I had to seize Connor by his sleeve, when he wanted to jump towards my brother and gained a protestant noise for it.
"Ray, please", I started, totally unimpressed by it. "Whatever you want to tell me, we certainly can continue our conversation downstairs. Let Emily sleep in peace."
I was surprised myself how calm my voice sounded, even though I was inwardly struggling against my panic. I didn´t want this man to hold my child. I didn´t want him to be close to her at all. But it didn´t seem like Ray was impressed by it.
"You just sent me away. Called me a bloody bastard, like your mother, our father and your governess did. Even though you used to be different than them. You never were condescending to me and that´s why I loved you as my little sister. I never wanted to harm you, but you're still afraid me and send me away. But now I know why you did it."
Ray stopped by the window and pushed the curtain aside. Emily moved on his arm again when the daylight hit her face. Ray turned to me and Connor. Again I felt uneasily because I couldn´t see his face underneath the hood, but when he continued talking, he turned his words to Connor, who was standing next to me as tensed as a bowstring.
"Did you know that for Lillian, family is one of the most important things in life?", he asked as calm as always. "She lost a large part of her family too soon and that´s why I always wanted to be a good brother to her, even when we were separated. Now that I could finally talk to her and make up for the time we lost, you´re standing here with your hand on your weapon. Although I don´t like the thought, you´re my brother-in-law now. We are a family and as family members we shouldn´t threaten each other."
Connor uttered a scornful snort about these words, whereupon I gave him a nervous gaze from the side. His eyes were sparkling with anger and the contempt he was feeling for Ray, was unmistakable in his gaze, as well as in his voice.
"I do not care who you are. I do not count somebody to my family who is attacking, robbing and killing innocent people for no reason", he growled. "Furthermore you did not try to tell your mother and your sister that you are still alive. What kind of good son and brother is doing something like this?"
"I would have sent them a message, if men like you hadn´t stand in my way." The calmness in Ray´s voice had disappeared. Anger which he had suppressed so long was to hear in it and my gaze flitted nervously to Emily, who was becoming more and more restless. Ray was pressing her even closer to him as he continued.
"I was injured, was declared dead by my company and I was on my own. Helpless. I only moved crawling and disoriented, but do you think that anybody of your patriot friends was willing to help me, when they saw me? Women, men and children avoided me, a seriously injured men, but they were all saying that the Redcoats were the monsters in this war."
The more he said, the more he was talking himself into a fury. The hate he was feeling for the patriots seemed to be boundless and slowly I began to understand, why he was calling them traitors and had ordered all these crimes. As a revenge? Just because they hadn´t cared for him when he had been injured?
"I think they all had to take care of themselves during the war. I doubt that they didn´t care for you because of some bad intentions", I said calmly and I had barely spoken, as Ray began to relax again.
"It´s not just about that", he started, now a bit calmer. "Lilly, I think even you would have avoided me, if you had seen me back then and you would still do it today, if I wouldn´t hide from everyone."
A lump formed in my throat and again I didn´t know what I should feel towards Ray, when I heard the sadness in his voice. I was sorry for him, no matter what he had done and suddenly I felt the urge to go to him and embrace him.
"You are my brother", I said quietly and made a careful step into his direction. "No matter what you´re hiding underneath this cape."
Except of Emily occasional whimpering, it became silent in this room. I didn´t turn my eyes away from Ray while I could feel Connor´s tension behind me. I asked myself for how long he was able to keep his feet still. He had searched for Ray for so long and now that he was standing in front of him, I was in his way. Connor certainly didn´t like it, but I wanted to use the chance to talk to my brother and maybe I was able to find out why he had done all of this. Learn about his intentions. But at the moment it was more important to find out what had happened to Ray, even though I had to confess that I was afraid of this answer.
I took another step forward, but when he indicated to me that I should stop, I followed this order.
"That´s what you´re saying now", he said. "But you will change your mind when you see what the war had made me become."
I shook my head with determination. "You should know me better."
It became silent again, but I almost held my breath as Ray finally mumbled "Alright" and slowly moved his free arm to his hood and pushed it off his head, likewise slowly.
An ice cold shock ran through my body, when I looked into my brother´s face for the first time in almost ten years. It was hardly recognisable because it was entirely disfigured. While the right side of his face was "only" covered with thin scars and I could see my brother´s familiar intelligence and liveliness in his green eye, it seemed like the left side was almost deliquesced. The skin looked like it had been pulled downwards, covered by coarse, irregular burn scars. A scarred eyelid was hanging slackly over an apparently empty eye socket and several long scars were running from his cheek down to his neck and his throat, as if the claws of an animal had torn up his skin and flesh. Also his reddish brown hair scarcely existed. He only had some tufts on his bald head. He looked terrible and when I imagine how he probably had looked like when the wounds had been fresh, I could understand why people hadn´t taken care of him. It was a terrifying sight.
"Not what you have expected, isn´t it?", Ray said and a bitter expression appeared about his mouth. I gulped and shook my head slowly.
"It would be a lie, if I would say that I´m not shocked seeing you like this. But what happened? They told your mother and me that you´ve been torn apart by a cannonball in Savannah."
"Not me." Ray squinched up his face. "The powder storehouse next to me. It exploded and I was hit by the flames. I became unconscious and they thought I was dead. I woke up in a pile of bodies in the middle of the night and escaped somehow. Don´t ask me how I did it and survived. But when I was better, the war was already over and I had nothing left. My comrades were gone and I was surrounded by traitors like your husband."
His gaze slid to Connor and when I glanced over my shoulder to him, he had squared his shoulders and was giving my brother a provocative look.
"There were fights on both sides. Both sides had injured and dead men and women. You cannot make just one side responsible for your fate", Connor said and I had to agree to him inwardly. I could understand Ray´s anger about his injuries, but if he wanted to make somebody responsible for it, the innocent settlers were the last ones to blame. When I told him this, Ray´s gaze became furious.
"Do you see how he´s influencing you?", he growled. "Of course he´s saying that. I´m sure he even enjoyed the war, when I look at him and think of what he did to my men."
He looked at Connor full of hate, while the assassin wasn´t moved by it. Then Ray´s gaze returned to me.
"Connor and all his patriot friends, including the settlers you like so much, are cowardly traitors. We British never wanted this war. Our king did everything he could to help his people in the colonies and the ungrateful rabble provoked this war because something wasn´t to their liking. They are like animals and now they are boasting about an alleged victory and fail to see that their new leaders are incompetent idiots. This nation can´t survive without England and they have to understand that. My men and I, we will take care of it."
"And that´s why you are attacking them and ruin their livelihood? That´s why you´re killing people?"
"We are showing them that they shouldn´t feel safe. Nobody was able to stop us until now and why? Because their self-appointed leaders are incompetent. They are hiding and try to expand their new power. They don´t care for their people and they have to understand that. They have to understand that they made a mistake with this war and that they need England."
With every word he spoke, I became more and more dumbfounded. So for him it was only about pure nationalism. The pride about his native country in which he felt offended, probably connected to the pain and the anger about his injuries. The way he was looking at me now, so entirely convinced but also waiting for agreement, made it hard for me to stay calm. I had never seen Ray like this. He had never been fanatic and I just couldn´t understand him. I could only pity him, but I doubted that he wanted that. He wanted me to agree to him. Stand by him, because we were a family. But his thoughts maybe were understandable for himself, but I thought that his actions were wrong.
"I think you´re obsessed", I said, shaking my head, but I raised my hands in a soothing manner, when Ray´s expression hardened. "I understand that you´re feeling anger for the patriots. At least they have been your enemies for a long time. But if you would look around, you would see that they all just want the best for this country. They all progressed. Even the British."
Ray slowly began to shake his head with my words, his lips pressed together. But I didn´t let myself been swayed by it and kept talking, while I approached him step by step.
"You haven´t been in England for a long time. The British are starting to come to terms with the lost of the colonies and most of them are glad that the war is over. Everybody progressed and maybe you should do it, too."
Ray stared at me as if he would doubt my mind. Anger was visible in his face, but I also saw grief in his eyes.
"So that´s what he made you become?", he asked in a muffled voice and I was tempted to contradict immediately. To make clear to him that neither Connor, nor anybody else was influencing my thoughts. But when I saw how the grip of his arms tightened around Emily´s little body and she finally began to cry, any kind of contradiction stayed stuck in my throat. I leaped towards them, but when I reached out my hands for Emily, Ray pushed against my shoulders with so much force that I stumbled backwards and would have fallen down, if Connor hadn´t caught me in time.
"That is enough", the assassin growled and wanted to approach my brother now, but obviously he had expected that. He shoved the window open and I uttered a terrified scream, as he held the crying Emily outside. His gaze was provoking when he looked at Connor, who had stopped as if he was rooted to the spot.
"How big is your wish to attack me, Connor?", Ray asked scornfully and I felt sick when I saw his amused smile.
"Do it, but then I could drop the little girl." Ray cocked his head, still having this smile on his lips. "What do you think? What happens to a little body when it falls from the first floor to the ground? Does the head burst open like an overripe fruit? Shall we find out?"
He held Emily farther outside. She was wriggling, crying and I feared that she could fall off his arms because of it alone.
"Ray, please!", I begged with my voice shaking in panic. "She´s a child!"
He looked at me and I saw something in his healthy eye that was nothing else but insanity.
"She is for now. But when she becomes older, she will be as rotten as her father and everybody else in her environment. Maybe it would be better, if she is freed from it."
His gaze turned to Emily again and I already saw her fall. My fear for my child was lacing up my throat and I felt terribly helpless. My gaze slid to Connor, who seemed to be struggling with himself. I hoped somehow that he would find a way to stop Ray. But no matter what he did, Emily would probably fall.
"Ray!", I tried it again. "Do you remember what you told me once?" My voice was cracked, but I tried to make it sound as strong as possible. I had to reach my brother somehow, even if it was only through memories. "When you wanted to teach me how to climb on trees and when we got caught? My governess put me over her knee and wanted to make me understand that a lady doesn´t behave like this. She locked me up in my room and you came to me through the window and wanted to comfort me. You said that everyone should have the chance to go their own way. We were children back then, but you were right." I paused and felt relief when Ray gave me a thoughtful look. "Emily should have this chance, too, shouldn´t she? She doesn´t have to become like one of us and nobody will force her to develop in a certain way. You don´t want to take this chance from her, don´t you? She is...your niece after all. A part of our family."
I hoped that I was successful when I reminded Ray of his basic sense of family. Actually I didn´t intend to give him any word of encouragement, but I hoped that it would safe Emily. She was screaming loudly and the longer she cried, the more it was a stab into my heart. Nevertheless I tried to keep my gaze on Ray, who obviously was thinking about my words, while Connor was standing next to me motionless and silent like a statue and probably thinking about every possible way to attack Ray. But it seemed like Ray thought of it as he scrutinized Connor and finally nodded at his belt.
"You will borrow me your pistol, won´t you?"
Connor knitted his eyebrows. "Why should I? So that you can shoot one of us?"
Ray clicked his tongue and I whimpered when he held Emily out of the window even farther.
"I have left my weapons behind to come here unarmed. Now I want your pistol as a security to get away from here. You won´t let me pass you, won´t you?"
Of course he wouldn´t. Connor had waited too long for getting Ray into his hands. But I didn´t care about all of this. I didn´t want to keep watching how my crying child was held towards its certain death.
"Do as he says", I whispered and earned a dumbfounded gaze from Connor.
"You want me to arm him, so that he can keep threatening us?"
"Do you prefer to watch him dropping Emily?" I gave my husband a pleading look and it seemed like he had finally lost faith in anyone´s mind in this room. Ray in comparison was still smiling and obviously more than pleased with this situation.
"I won´t shoot as long as you are not up to mischief. I promise. I just want to go", he explained relaxed.
Connor´s gaze moved back to our uninvited guest and he pointed at Emily. "You will give her to Lillian first", he said, but Ray uttered a laugh.
"So that you can shoot me?" He shook his head. "But we can do an exchange. Lillian will give me the pistol and I will give her Emily. We´re all on the safe side then."
He smiled at me smugly and I looked at Connor, who nodded slowly and reluctantly. He pulled the pistol out of the holster and gave it to me. I took the weapon with shaking hands and approached Ray with it. He took a step back from the window and loosened an arm from Emily to reach out his hand for the weapon. I gave it to him and at the same time, he handed me my daughter. But I still didn´t dare to give a sigh of relief. Not as long as Ray was still here.
I gently pressed Emily against me and stroked reassuringly over her head, while I didn´t turned my eyes away from Ray. He weighed the pistol in his hand and pulled the hood over his head.
"Then I will bid farewell. But..." He roughly linked arms with me and pressed the barrel against my side. "I hope that you will accompany me to my horse, Lilly. Connor surely will wait here until we have bid farewell to each other and you return."
Of course. How could I expect something else from him? He didn´t risk anything. But as long as he was really going to let me go, it was better than a falling Emily. I gave Connor a warning look which would hopefully make him follow Ray´s order and basically I knew that I was offending him with it. He was certainly able to knock Ray out without harming me but I also didn´t want him to risk something when we all could get out of this situation unharmed.
When Ray made a step forward, with me by his side, I first thought that Connor wouldn´t obey my silent request. But he stepped aside with an irritated growl and let us pass. I gave him a short look and silently formed the name "Cobalt" with my lips, hoping that he would understand. Bus as far as I knew him, he had already planned what had just come to my mind.
Without further resistance and without saying anything, I let Ray led me out of the house and towards the homestead, while I tried to calm the still crying Emily somehow. I didn´t know why, but Ray obviously chose the direct way through the homestead and past everyone who was outside. I looked into many shocked faces, but when somebody made an attempt to come to us, I shook my head vigorously, while Ray seemed to enjoy this attention. I couldn´t see his face but he squared his shoulders and his walk was nothing else but lively. Absurd in face of the fact that he was threatening me with a weapon.
When we had crossed the homestead, he led me into the undergrowth of the forest, until we reached his horse which was tied to a tree. He let me go and pushed the pistol into his belt.
"I heard Connor has quite a collection of weapons. He won´t miss this one, won´t he?"
He smiled smugly and leaped onto the saddle. "I hope for you that you are going to come to your senses, Lilly", he said and his hand reached into his cape. "I don´t want that it has to end between us like it did between father and me."
Confused about his words, I frowned while he pulled a shining object out of his cape and threw it onto the ground in front of me.
"I hope to see you again soon, little sister", he said and thrust his heels into his horse´s flanks.
Slowly I bent down and took the object he had thrown to my feet. I gasped when I recognized it and suddenly had an oppressive feeling which I hadn´t felt for a very long time. It mingled with a terrible fear and presentiment, but I suppressed this feeling as I went back to the street and held Emily tightly against my chest again. I heard the clatter of hooves coming from the homestead and shortly afterwards Connor stopped beside us.
"Are you well?", he asked and I shook my head. But pure anger lay in my eyes when I looked up to him.
"What are you waiting for? Get him at last."
Connor frowned but luckily he didn´t hesitate. He drove Cobalt on and galloped down the street. I looked after him until he turned around a bend. Not until then I lowered my eyes to the object, which I had seized firmly with my hand. My father´s signet ring which had disappeared after his death.
