Chapter 28
Lou
A sunray streams through a small hole that a termite must have drilled on the shutter and falls on my face. I grunt and cover my face with my arms, but sleep is unavoidably fleeing from me. I groan again as I let my arms fall from my face and open my eyes. Apart from that single tiny stream of light, everything is in darkness… just like I want it… just like I feel inside, dark and gloomy.
The mattress below me seems ingrained in my body as if it had become a send skin. No wonder. It is in this bed where I've spent the last few days in a vain attempt to delete and destroy my dismal reality. I wish I could sleep my life away and forget. Yet, today is the deadline Rachel game me, and I have to reach a decision, whether to return to Rock Creek or ignore everything and become a hermit here. How am I supposed to face the world when I don't know who I am? Many a time in the last few days I've woken up in the hope that everything has been a nightmare: Pa would be bustling around in the cabin as always, we'd enjoy breakfast together before going out for the day, and Rock Creek would simply be the town I've never been to. Yet, my hopes break as the written evidence that I'm Louise, not Lou is there waiting to shock and strike me once again.
I remain on my back, looking upwards in the semidarkness, unsure of what I want or need to do. I try to tell myself that this discovery ain't as horrible as I feel it is, just like Rachel told me. After all, now I've found out why I was and felt so different to the other men. However, that doesn't stop my bitterness. I always thought I was a man, and I really loved to be one… an inadequate one, mind you, but a man anyway. What on earth am I gonna do now that I'm a woman? I don't know the first thing about women, what they do, or how they feel. How am I supposed to be one?
My whole forlorn being just wants to let go and spend my days in solitude. Yet, my proud nature rebels against this passivity and defeatist spirit. Should I let this matter trounce me? I can't allow myself to give in. Despite my lack of energy and will, I force myself to move from the shelter my bed has been. My stomach grumbles; I haven't eaten much lately. In the kitchen I light a candle, and in the sideboard I find some jerky, which I nibble at unenthusiastically and soothe my complaining stomach.
The air in the house feels chilly, and as a shudder courses all over my body, I realize that in my hurry to flee from the station, I forgot my coat. That's why I step into my father's bedroom, which is in the chaotic state I left it after frantically trying to find something that proved that Rachel and everybody else were wrong about me. Unfortunately, I found just the opposite in Pa's den… written proof that I was nothing but a fake pantomime.
From the wardrobe I pick up his coat and put it on. Naturally, my small size almost gets lost in the garment, a reminder of what my body kept telling me all this time, and the lies disguised. I have no alternative, so this coat will have to do. Inside the wardrobe I also notice a poncho and a hat, which I decide to take with me as well.
After Kid and Rachel left days ago, I managed to force myself out of the black hole I've hidden my soul. My mind was lucid enough to act and move Lightning to the stables. She shouldn't be neglected because of my problems. So I filled the troughs and feeders with abundant water and food for her. Whatever is happening to me mustn't affect my beloved mare, and she deserves to be treated properly. She's probably the only one who hasn't let me down or betrayed me. My beautiful mare… only she remains pure and untouched. Unlike her, everything I look at now has been fouled by a veneer of rot and scum. How can I remain unaffected when my father, the person I loved and trusted with my life, turned out to be nothing but a cheater, who lied and messed with my whole existence? How can I trust anybody now? If my own father did this to me, how much further can others go to harm me?
That thought is enough to question my decision. Why should I return to Rock Creek? It would be like willingly exposing myself to harm's way. Had I better stay put to protect myself? But then, what to do? Rachel and the others count on my return, but well, what do they care after all? They're nothing to me, and I'm definitely nothing to them, just the odd one who amused them for a while. I know I'm not fair in this. That's not the whole truth. I have to admit I've been happy at the station despite my problems with Cody and my torture over Kid. If I decide to go back, things will be different now, that's certain, but shouldn't I give it a try? Rachel and Kid came to find me, and that means something. Or maybe I'm just deluding myself into believing there's something good out there. There's a great deal of wickedness too, and well, I didn't even have to travel too far because it was right by my side all this time. Pa has caused me the most painful wound he could have, and he always claimed he wanted to protect me! I know I need to be prepared and gild my soul with a protective shield that keeps me safe. Now that I know how deeply rotten the world is, I have to defend myself, and I will.
When Lightning and I set into motion, my despairing negativity and nerves shroud my whole soul. I'm disillusioned and desolate. It's as if all my far-fetched dreams are mocking and laughing at me. I used to hope that my thirst for adventure and knowledge would one day be quelled, and those dreams could become a reality. Now all that seems so unimportant, and I feel as if I'm back in the prison my father built for me. It's so bizarre. It's as though I'd been tricked to escort a lady to a dance and had no idea what to talk to her about. That's me. That strange lady I don't know how to treat. Maybe I could act as if she didn't exist and live my life as the boy I believed myself to be. I can talk to him easily and I know what he needs, but well, if I'm honest, I have to admit I haven't been successful leading a life as a boy either.
From the distance I catch sight of the station's windmill, and my heart almost skips a beat. Pulling the reins, I stop Lightning, and one last time I consider whether I'm doing the right thing. Actually, I'm tempted to turn my horse and ride back to the cabin. "Don't be such a coward, Lou," I hear a niggling voice within my head, and I make the mistake to listen to it. No, I ain't a coward, and I tap Lightning's flanks with my boots, instructing her to ride on.
When I finally trot into the station, to my chagrin the riders are all around, and they stop what they are doing to watch me indiscreetly. "Rachel, it's Lou!" Jimmy calls, and as soon as the words waft across the yard, Rachel comes running out of the enclosed back yard, where I guess she's been hanging laundry. She reaches me just as I'm easing off Lightning, and she engulfs me in her arms.
"Oh Lou, I'm so glad to see you!"
When Rachel pulls away, I find myself surrounded by the boys. My sense of shame is so penetrating that I feel unable to meet their eyes, so I slam Pa's big hat lower to cover my face and I keep my head low.
"How are you?" I hear Buck ask.
"I… I need to speak to Teaspoon," I stutter in a trembling voice instead of answering his question.
"He's in his den now," Rachel says, and I can hear some very noticeable wariness in her voice, and even though I ain't looking, I'm sure they're all sharing looks and will comment on my weird behavior once I walk away and ain't present.
I nod, and keeping my head down, I mutter an 'excuse me', and shuffle towards the stables. Teaspoon's den is a small room, adjacent to the barn, where he hides away when he needs some peace and quiet, or has to see some matters regarding the ride schedules. The door to the den is ajar, and through the narrow gap between the frame and the door edge I can see Teaspoon's enjoying one of his restorative naps. Any other time the image would have made me smile, but today things look too dismal from my perch and I ain't in the mood for amusement.
I gently tap on the door, and Teaspoon instantly opens his eyes. I've always thought it incredible how easily he can go from sleep and wakefulness, and vice versa in a question of seconds. I normally need a good ten minutes to simply stir up every morning.
"Lou!" Teaspoon exclaims when he sees me at the door, and scrambles to his feet at once. "Please come in."
I sheepishly step inside and lower my body on the chair Teaspoon beckons me to sit on. As with Rachel and the boys, I keep my head down, hidden under my wide-brimmed hat. After a few seconds in silence, I mutter, "I'm back."
"I can see that," he replies and I blush, feeling foolish at once for stating the obvious. "And tell me; how are you?"
"I… I'm fine," I say in such a soft tone that even I have problems hearing my own words.
"Could you please take off your hat? I like lookin' at people in the eye when we talk."
I begrudgingly remove my hat, which I squeeze between my fingers, and I even force myself to meet Teaspoon's gaze. My eyes, which must be bright and red-rimmed after days of torturous weeping, and my face, which must look as pale and grayish as my mood, surely speak volumes. "You ain't well, Louise."
I cringe at the name and feel an urgent pull to cry. Now I'm justified to cry, ain't I? Women weep, and that's why Pa always berated me, calling me names, whenever I was tear-eyed. He wanted to crunch every single trace of femininity in me, but all he managed was to create a monster, a hybrid being. I'm no man, but I don't think I'm a woman either.
"Please don't call me that."
Teaspoon eyes me warily in silence. "It's your name," he says softly.
I don't want to talk about who I am and who I'm not. I wish I could annihilate my whole reality, but if that ain't possible, at least I don't want to deal with this now. So I rev the conversation in another direction and ask the question I came to see Teaspoon in the first time for. "I'm sorry I shirked my responsibilities in the last few days, but if it's possible, I'd like my job back."
"The job's still yours naturally. Can't blame you for needin' some time to consider your … uh… new perspectives."
"Thanks, Teaspoon."
"I wonder, though, whether you'd rather do somethin' different."
I stare at him in confusion. "I don't understand."
"Workin' the stables is harsh, smelly, and unrewardin'… hardly the kind of job a young woman would love to do."
My fingers squeeze my hat more tightly as a similar pressure seems to clutch my chest sufffocatingly. "Don't you understand I ain't a woman, Teaspoon?" I exclaim tersely. "And the problem is that I ain't a man either!"
"Lou, I can understand you're feelin' lost and terrified. That's logical."
I shake my head. "You can't possibly understand. Nobody can."
"And you're right. I can't really put myself in your place. This is your cross to bear, and the sooner you come to terms with your new situation, the better and less hard it'll be for you in the end."
"I don't even know what's real any more. I've been surrounded by lies all my life, and I don't know where the truth is. How many more lies have I blindly believed? What else am I still deceived about?"
Teaspoon nods his head. "I'm afraid that's somethin' you'll have to find out on your own. The good thin' is that you ain't alone… Rachel, the boys, and this old fox are here to help pick you up when the chips are down."
I sigh. "I can barely stand my own reflection in a mirror now. How can I let others see the pantomime I am?"
"Because unlike you, honey, we have no sight problems. I guess we were also blind when we didn't get to see the lovely jewel you are, but now our blinders have been removed, and we see perfectly."
"Please, Teaspoon, don't say that. Don't…" My words get drowned by the sudden sob escaping my lips. Once again tears flood my eyes and my despair shatters me. I bury my face in my hands as I cry, and I'm vaguely aware that I ain't alone. A couple of arms wrap around my trembling body, and I lift my eyes to see Teaspoon's blurry face among my tears. He gives me a sad smile, which boosts a fresh bout of tears, and impulsively I lean my face against his chest and circle his trunk with my hands as I cry and cry.
