So this is going to be another song chapter. I don't own the lyrics they are property of Shinedown. I love doing those I don't know why. But I'm warning you right now. I made myself cry while writing this one…
Send away for a
priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away
for a perfect world
One not simply so absurd
In these times of
doing what you're told
Keep these feelings, no one knows
I sit in my hotel room flipping through the channels on the TV. It's been 10 days, 10 days, 6 hours 35 minutes since I woke up to this nightmare that is now my life. And 2 days, 2 hours 47 minutes since Jay and Shawn left me here to rot after going back to the real world. Now more than ever I just want things to be how they were before. Is that to much to ask for? I can't stand this. Being alone is giving me way to much time to think. I have no idea what I'm supposed to now. Everyone acts so sorry all this happened but when it comes down to it I know as well as they do that there's nothing they can do. They keep telling me that things will get better and I have tried so hard to hold on to that. But as of now I don't think that it's going to happen. I know they've realized that I'm not taking this very well, but hell who would. I haven't let them see how messed up I really am at this point. What happened yesterday didn't help much. I fight the images from returning to my mind but they do anyway.
What ever
happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed my pain as he slowly
fell apart
I slowly wheeled my way out in front of the hotel it was raining of course. I had to excuse myself as I made my way through the crowded street drawing everyone with in a 20 foot radius' attention to my condition. They all walked around me and looked down with their superficial sympathetic smiles, it made me want to hurl. I sat there for I don't know how long and still hadn't gotten the attention of a cab. I looked over and a guy came up beside me and was also trying to hail a cab. But he actually managed to get one of those ass clowns to pull over. He looks over at me.
"Why don't you take this one."
"Don't do me any favors Jack."
"I'm not it's just I'm not in that big of a hurry and you were here first."
"Yeah whatever."
"Where too?" The cabbie asked. Then he looked a little uncomfortable when he saw my…condition. "There's no ramp down on this street sir."
"But I've been standing here for I don't know how long. Who knows how long it'll take for me to find another one."
"I guess I could try to help lift you in the car."
I leaned my head back against the chair and close my eyes. I couldn't believe this is what my life would be like now. What I had been reduced to. How I couldn't even do something so simple as hail a cab and actually get in it. "Fine." The guy gets around and awkwardly grabs me under my arms and moves me down the step from the curb so I can sit in the car. I thought nothing could be more humiliating than having Shawn help me into the wheelchair. I was wrong. When he shut the door to the car I close my eyes and a tear ran down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away. This whole situation is bad enough with out a stranger seeing me cry. When I finally get to the hospital and up to the floor with the NICU on it I was shocked to see Jessica's parents. I guess I really don't know why but I was. Shawn had told me they were there for most of the time I was still in the coma but I hadn't scene them since…everything. I wheel up to them and something snapped and I started to cry. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
They both come stand beside my chair and her mom hugged me tight. "It's not your fault Chris, it's not your fault." And we talked for a while and after promising that they would get one weekend a month with her they left.
As much as I appreciated the sentiment it is my fault. If I hadn't gotten shot she never would have gone into premature labor and she wouldn't have waited to go to the hospital to see if I was ok. I take a deep breath. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to live my life having to have other people help me into cabs. I don't want to go through life knowing the only thing that people see when they look at me is a damn wheelchair. Which is why I kept the knife that came with my dinner and it's sitting in front of me on the bed begging me to use it.
And I'm
staring down the barrel of a .45 (.45)
Swimming through the ashes
of another life (another life)
No real reason to accept the way
things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a .45
I realize that it's Monday so I turn the channel to SPIKE to watch Raw. I know I shouldn't but the sadist in me won't allow me to change the channel. I watch the people on the screen. My friends. In what used to be "my" ring on "my" show after all RAW was Jericho. I know it had been pissing me off lately. It seems funny that not to long ago I was complaining about not getting a title shot. Now I'd give everything I have just to be able to get back in the ring again. Wrestling's all I ever wanted to do besides be a rock star. Oh my god Fozzy. I hadn't even thought about my band. It's not like I can't sing anymore but it would never be the same. Part of the fun of it was performing on stage and I really couldn't do that anymore. It's funny how something as small as a bullet can change everything in an instant. I pick up the knife and stare at it. Maybe I'm being over dramatic. I guess I'm lucky to still be alive. But I don't see myself having a much of a life from now on. It's funny that the only reason I can think of not to do it is my daughter. My daughter…
Send a
message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In
a box high upon a shelf
Left for you, no one else
There's a
piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sewn up tight
I clumsily lift myself into my wheelchair. I go to my bag and take out my wallet. In it is a picture of me and Jess. I get a piece of paper out of the drawer and wrap it around it and write for Ash on it. Then I get out the video camera my parents had left me to video tape Ash for them. I set it on the table holding the TV and wheel my chair in front of it.
"Hi everyone. I don't know really what to say. I can't live like this, I don't want to live like this. I can't spend my life confined to this contraption." I say shaking the stupid chair. "Mom, Dad this is for the best. Just always remember that. Jay, Jeff…you guys were like brothers to me. I'm so glad you two finally found each other because you really gave me hope that love really does exist. And I want you guys to raise Ash. I know you two will give her all the love she'll need and you two will make wonderful fathers. Adam, Matt we've been through a lot together. I'm counting on you to keep that spark in the WWE that only you two have. Adam and Jay I want you two to take over the highlight reel. Only you two could do it justice. To everyone else in the WWE you guys were like family and you all mean the world to me." I pause for a moment "Ash, someday you'll thank me for this. I'm sorry that you will never get to know you're mother. I feel like I'm partially responsible for that. And Jay and Jeff are going to take such good care of you you're not even going to miss the fact that your real father isn't around. I just want you to have a normal life. I don't want to leave you with the burden of having to take care of me. I wouldn't be much good to you. I couldn't cook for you. It would be hard for me to clean. I could hardly play with you. I couldn't take you anywhere because I can't drive. You are in the NICU right now I don't even know how I'm going to get you home because I can't carry you. Someday you'll realize that this was in fact for the best. In Jessica's house there is a box of Every single pay-per view, special video, magazine cover, Fozzy Cd's and anything else that ever had me in it. Ash I want you to have all that stuff. I want you remember me like that. Not the broken down man you see on this video. Good bye everyone. I love you all and this really, really is for the best. I'll see you on the other side." I wheel myself over and turn off the camera.
What ever
happened to the young man's heart And I'm staring down the barrel of a .45
(.45)
Swallowed my pain as he slowly
fell apart
Swimming through the ashes of another life (another life)
No
real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the
barrel of a .45
I wheel back over in pick up the knife and stare at my reflection in the blade. I never thought I would be contemplating doing what I'm about to do. But I don't really see any other options at this point. Nothing is going to make all of the pain go away except for this. Everything hurts so much I just want it all to go away. I wipe a tear away. No tears this is the right thing.
Everyone's
pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
Nobody knows what I
believe
I believe
People will probably
say I was being selfish. That I shouldn't have left Ash especially.
That I should have thought of her. But the funny thing is I am
thinking of her. How can I be there for her or anyone else for that
matter when I can't even be there for myself? I always thought I
was a strong person despite my inner drama queen probably brought on
by my bisexual tendencies. I feel like I've learned a lot in my
life. From my parents and family, from friends and from wrestling and
writing music. But nothing I've learned taught me how to deal with
everything in my life falling apart at once. I've almost completely
lost my independence. I lost the woman who up until a few months ago
I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. And my daughter is
basically fighting for her life in the NICU. And it's all my fault.
That's a big burden for even the strongest person. And I just can't
carry it anymore. But no one wants to hear my anger or my sadness
they just want me to get over it. As if it's that easy. No one
understands what I'm going through no one. And I'm
staring down the barrel of a .45 (.45)
Swimming through the ashes
of another life (another life)
No real reason to accept the way
things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a .45
I let the blade of the knife touch my arm. It feels cool against my skin. I press down slightly. There is some pain but that's all I've felt lately anyway and the pain in my arm is small in comparison to the rest of it. I pull the knife away and watch the blood start to trickle out of the small hole I just made as a physical outlet for all my anger and pain. It occurs to me that there is a slight irony in blood being red. I take the knife and press it again into my skin and this time start to pull upwards. I heard somewhere that's the "right" way to do this.
And I'm
staring down the barrel of a .45 (.45)
And I'm swimming through
the ashes of another life (another life)
There is no real reason
to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a
.45
I jump slightly when the door to the hotel room opens pushing the knife deeper into my arm. No! Can't I have a break just this once. Let me finish this. Then Shawn comes into my view. "Hey Chris, we were not that far away so…I thought…I'd…stop by…"
Oh come on you didn't think I'd actually let Chris kill himself did you? I'm a sadist but not that much of one lol. I've written sad shit before but I think that would probably be the worst. This was in fact the hardest thing I've ever written. To put myself inside the mind of someone wanting to kill themselves wasn't easy. I want reviews and I've actually had this chapter done for a while holding out for reviews on the last one but I couldn't wait any more hehe. I've already got the next one almost done…so three reviews will get you another chapter.
