Disclaimer: Supernatural and all its characters belong to Kripke and the CW. I own nothing.
AN- A huge thank you to those of you still reading this story. I know the wait for updates is long and I'm sorry about that. I'm hoping I can speed myself up a little. (at least once this LID diet is over and I actually feel like moving again.)
Previously on Supernatural- "Gotcha!" John shouted, tickling his little boy. He climbed back to his feet, tossed his giggling son over his shoulder, and followed the others to the door.
SPN
John glanced over his shoulder when his eldest walked out the screen door. "He go down alright?" he asked, turning his gaze back to the star filled sky.
"Yeah" Dean replied with a yawn. He trudged over to the rickety front porch railing and leaned over, settling his arms on the wooden plank. "Sammy didn't even make it through his bath. He fell asleep in the middle of it."
John chuckled. "It's been a long time since he's done that." He said.
"Not really" Dean admitted, smirking. "You'd be surprised how many times I've had to startle Sleeping Beauty awake during bath time. That's the second best place to put Sammy if you want him to conk out."
John smiled, showing off his own set of dimples. "Really?" he asked. "What's the first place?"
"The impala" both men chorused.
Father and son snickered. "Jinx!" Dean playfully called out.
"Cute Dean" John muttered, lightly swatting the back of the younger man's head.
The two shared an amused look before turning back to the darkened landscape and lapsing into silence. They stood and watched the beautiful, natural light show for a while, each quietly mulling over the miracle that had brought them together again.
"Dad" Dean said the same time as John called "Dean".
Dean grinned. He had so missed times like this. "You first, old man."
John nodded. "Alright" he agreed. He turned to face his son. "Dean, what I'm about to say…I don't want you to take it the wrong way, okay?"
"O-okay" Dean hesitantly answered. He immediately braced himself, knowing whatever his dad had to tell him was going to be bad…really bad.
John took a deep breath and slowly let it out before beginning. "You need to let it go, son." he cryptically advised.
Dean's brow furrowed in confusion. "Let what go?" he questioned.
"All the anger directed at Sam" John clarified.
"I don't have…"
"Yes, you do." John interrupted. "I've seen it every time the two of you have fought lately."
"You've seen it?" Dean gasped. "You mean, you, you…"
"Yep, I've been watching you guys." John grimly stated. "Not everything mind you but enough."
Dean's expression quickly slid from surprise to anger. "So what? You watch a couple of our fights from your cloud or whatever and you're suddenly on Sam's side!?" he growled.
"I'm not on anybody's side, Dean." John firmly answered. "And watch your tone. I'm still your father."
"Yes sir" Dean replied, though his expression revealed exactly what he thought about the order.
"That's better." John said. "Now just listen, okay?"
Dean nodded.
"What I mean is that you have to let go of all the past wrongs or perceived wrongs. You can't keep holding onto every little thing Sam has done since he was born. All that anger and hurt will eat you alive." John told his eldest. "You're like your mom with that. She used to tell me I was forgiven and I would be until the next time I did something stupid. Mary and I didn't fight often but when we did, she would bring up every little thing I'd ever done no matter how small or silly. You know, the second week we dated my boss sent me out in the middle of nowhere on this urgent call. Took me two hours to find the place but once I did the fix was an easy one. I had the old man's Jeep running in less than half an hour. Everything was going great until I started back. I got about sixty miles and then the boss' truck rattled and jerked to a halt. I tried cranking it but it wouldn't start again so I took a look under the hood. The fan belt had snapped in two. I tore that truck apart looking for a replacement but I came up empty handed. I wasn't worried though. I still had two hours before I had to meet your mom for supper and I was sure someone would come along before then; even if it was the middle of bumfuck nowhere. Unfortunately for me, Winchester luck has always been crap. Nobody drove by and my boss started working on his pet project and forgot all about the time. It was midnight before he realized I hadn't made it back yet. Needless to say I missed our date. I went straight to Mary's as soon as I got back in town and explained the whole mess to her. And she assured me she understood and that she didn't hold it against me. But every time we fought afterwards, that incident was the first thing she'd throw in my face."
"I hear what you're saying but I don't…"
"Stanford" John reminded.
Dean scowled. "Stanford wasn't some accident. Sammy left us to go there; left us for four years. He chose college over his family."
"That was my fault. I'm the one that made him choose." John admitted.
"Maybe, but he should have picked us! We are his family! We raised him! Took care of him! And he left us!" Dean ranted.
"And how many times did I leave you boys alone?" John asked.
"That was different. You were hunting." Dean countered. "Besides, you always came back."
"Sam would have too if I hadn't pushed him away. He would have met up with us every holiday and break. I'm sure of it." John sadly stated. "Come on Dean. You know Sammy. He's always had an independent streak a mile wide. You tell him he can't do something and he's going to do it just to show you he can."
Dean smirked 'cause that was his Sammy alright. The kid was as bull headed as they came. That smile fell however, when he thought of the four years he spent worrying about the kid. "He coulda called!" he growled.
"So could you." John helpfully pointed out.
"But he…"
"Started it, I know." John sighed, running a hand over his face. "I remember. Trust me."
"Dad!" Dean groaned.
"Don't dad me." John huffed, growing frustrated with his hard headed eldest. "You didn't do this when you two were little. You might get mad at each other or even fight but it never lasted. The two of you would make up and be best friends again minutes later. All would be forgiven and I mean really forgiven. You never brought it up again. It wasn't until you hit your teens that you started keeping count and throwing all past transgressions in the kid's face."
Dean shot his father an incredulous look. "I wonder where I got that from?" he sarcastically spat.
"You got it from me. I know that." John responded. "But I was wrong. You and I both know me bringing up every mistake Sammy made hunting did nothing but make the boy think he could do no right in my eyes. And worse between that and the arguments about school and other things I gave Sam the impression that I hated him. And that's exactly what your throwing every little thing back at him is doing, too. You're making him feel just like I did."
"He doesn't…"
"Yes he does. He may not show it but he does. I've seen it." John countered. "And that's not acceptable. You two are all each other has. You should be closer than ever. Not divided over things that happened years ago especially when some of those things weren't mistakes or slights." John held up a hand to stop Dean from objecting. "Son, let me tell you something. One parent to another."
"I'm not a parent." Dean objected.
"Maybe not in the traditional sense but you are a parent. You're Sam's parent." John stated, the regret clear in his voice. "You raised Sammy, not me. Sure I was there sometimes and I did what I could but you were the one that was there all the time. The one that made sure he ate and went to school, the one that nursed him through I don't know how many illnesses, kissed his boo boos, the one he went to when he had a problem. You were his dad and his mom growing up." The Winchester patriarch paused for a moment to give Dean time to absorb that bit of information. Seeing a ghost of a smile flit over the boy's face, John continued. "The hardest lessons a parent learns are to not take things personally and to let their child go. Kids push their boundaries; break their parents' rules…"
"I never"
The look John shot Dean shut him up real quick. "Every kid runs away at one time or another, too. With you it was the day we brought Sammy home. You were so mad that we wouldn't take your new little brother back to the hospital. You said we either took Sammy back or you were running away and never coming back. You went in your room and packed a bag with your favorite toys and some cookies and everything. Then when you came back out and when we told you Sammy was staying, you stomped outta the house." John recounted. "Made it as far as the corner, too."
"I did?" Dean asked.
"Yep" John replied. "I wanted to go after you and drag you back but Mary wouldn't let me. She said you had to come back on your own. Of course, you being as bull headed as you are, you didn't come back. You fell asleep right there on the corner. Your mom told me I could go get you then. So I went down to the corner, knelt down beside you, and woke you up and do you know what you did?" He paused for a moment. "You threw yourself into my arms and apologized for leaving. Told me you were sorry and that Sammy could stay and you'd try your best to be a good big brother."
"And I kept my word right?" Dean bragged.
"Please, you spent the first six months of Sammy's life trying to get the poor kid in as much trouble as you could." John related with a grin. "I think you figured if Sammy caused a lot of problems we'd get rid of him and you'd have your mom and I all to yourself again."
Dean chuckled. That sounded like something he would have done. He ran a weary hand down his face and then looked back at his dad, all traces of merriment gone. "That story's nice and all but what does that have to do with me keeping grudges?"
John sighed. He'd hoped he wouldn't have to spell it out. "It has everything to do with it. Sammy running off to Flagstaff after the fights with us and him going to college, those are just a natural part of growing up. Most kids run away some time or another and a huge number go on to college. They don't do it because they hate their parents or even to hurt them; they do it because that's a normal part of growing up and becoming an adult." He explained.
"We're not normal dad." Dean countered.
"I know but our lives being different doesn't mean you boys didn't go through the same things other kids did." John replied.
"True" Dean said, grimacing at some of his more embarrassing teenage moments. "And yeah, that explains Flagstaff but it still doesn't clear him from going to Stanford. He had a choice and he chose school instead of his family."
"Okay, one he's not the only one that made that decision. I'm ashamed to say I chose hunting over family again and again. And before you say it I know saving people is important but it should never have been more important than my two boys. Knowing what's out there should have made me more protective of you not been my excuse to leave you here, there, and yonder." John argued. "And two, I understand Sam's decision and I respect it. He was becoming a grown up and he wanted to be treated like one. And he wanted a life where he would be Sam Winchester; not John's youngest or Dean's little brother. That wouldn't have happened if he had stayed."
"He didn't have to leave for that! We treated him like a grown up!" Dean growled.
John raised an eyebrow. "Really? Name one time we allowed Sam to take lead on a case; one time he took point during a hunt." John challenged. Seeing Dean open and close his mouth several times, the Winchester patriarch smiled. "Can't, can you? We protected that boy. We were always watching out for him, not letting him make a move without our knowledge. He never drove, went out with friends, or even got a part time job to help with money. Hell, when we hunted we kept Sammy between us to keep him safe. We never would have changed any of that and you know it."
"Maybe" Dean conceded.
"We wouldn't. It took me twenty-six years to loosen the reins on you enough to let you start taking on solo hunts. And I wasn't half as overprotective of you two as you were of Sammy." John said. "Knowing you, it would have taken three times as long for you to come to that point."
"True but…" A whimper came over the baby monitor Dean had set on the railing. "Uh oh, sounds like somebody's having a bad dream." Dean muttered as he stood and turned towards the front door. "We better go see about him."
"Dean" John called, grabbing his son's arm.
The younger hunter sighed. "I'll try, dad. I will. It's just gonna take me some time."
"That's my boy" John praised, ruffling his eldest's hair much to the boy's displeasure. "Now let's go wake up that brother of yours before he starts yelling his lungs out."
Smiling, the two headed for the door only to stop as a man in a rumpled trench coat suddenly appeared, blocking their way.
Castiel took a seat towards the two men. "Dean, I have found a solution."
