Thanks for the reviews you wonderful, wonderful people!
LoveAsh87 & MrsMusgraveTNG – Thank you, it was time Tom got his and for Mama Carlin to pop back in
drummergirl244 – glad I could throw you off, I'd hate to become predictable lol
somthgIlike2do – Thanks, yep Paula was due another guest starring role in this saga. I agree it's sad when people are so closed minded and then pass that onto their kids. I am in no way religious, but I agree that hate was not one of God's teachings
Spaiden14 – Thanks! Hmm Spashley time huh? I'll see what I can do
uluvme – I know that, I just figured the bat would do more harm than fists and I didn't want to let him off the hook lol. Tom would make an excellent prison bitch! I'm torn about Paula, we'll see how it plays out
mutt009 – True, but his pov gave some insight into how far he has fallen. I'm sorry about your Mom, its a kinda crazy conincidence about the name. I'm not too sure what will happen with Paula in this fic yet
Palexobsessed – Yeah go det. Lewis! Happy gay worms huh? That made me laugh. I feel the same about Paula. I loved her at the end of South and I love Maeve
WillowOn3 – Yeah we're awesome. I can kind of understand your tears for Paula, she made so many mistakes but she is still a mother who loves her child. Personally, I'm not too sure how I feel about Paula and I'm the one writing it. Hehe, we'll see what happens with Tom, but those are my chocolates!
shayer – I'm a social worker by trade (not currently practicing) and on many occasions I had to work with people who it was really challenging to work with. As a lesbian I can imagine how awful it would be to work with homophobic parents of LGBT people. I'm sorry about your sister, that's tough. Thank you for your review.
Usual disclaimer – SoN is only mine in my dreams...sweet, beautiful dreams
Fear Itself
Chapter Twenty-Nine - Realisation
Spencer's POV
After Paula left I wandered numbly around my apartment, kind of just doing meaningless tasks while I tried to get a handle on what was going on in my head. I wish I could get all of this straight in my mind, but instead I was royally freaking out. I wished that someone would just tell me how the hell I was supposed to react to my mother turning up on my door step after everything and just apologising. I had no clue how to even begin dealing with this, in all honesty I was resisting the urge to curl up in the foetal position and cry like a baby.
I think I spent an hour just idly moving around my place, not really doing much of anything before I found myself seated at my piano with my fingers dancing over the keys. In times of doubt, happiness, pain, anger, sadness, love and pretty much any other possible emotion, music was my escape. My first and truest love is music, which is one of the reasons I am so in love with Ashley, she gets that side of me and feels the same.
I was just starting to run through the song I had been working on before Detective Lewis had called me when I heard an anxious and loud knocking on my front door. I climbed to my feet and walked out with trepidation, scared Paula was back for round two which I really wasn't up for after the emotional ringer the day had already turned out to be.
As I neared the door an anxious voice called out, "Spencer? Are you in there? Has your mother drowned you in holy water?"
I laughed and swung the door open to find a rather scared and dishevelled looking Ashley on the other side. "Nope no holy water or scripture was present in her little visit, and I'm in one piece, I think," I answered, stepping aside to let her in.
Ashley walked over the threshold and swatted me on the arm playfully, "Well then did you think you could have called me? I have been really worried about you Blue!" Ashley pouted adorably, making me chuckle and shake my head.
"Sorry Brown I was too busy having my little freak out," I smiled sadly as I ambled over to throw myself dramatically down on the sofa. Ashley smiled sympathetically back at me and moved to sit beside me on the sofa. I sighed and lay down so that my head was resting on her lap. Ashley started to gently run her fingers through my baby soft blonde hair while smiling affectionately down at me.
"So do you want to tell me what happened with Paula?" Ashley asked softly, almost hesitantly like she was afraid to push me too far. I turned my head and looked up at her and bit my lip.
"Well she wanted to apologise. She said that she had been in counselling with her priest and he helped her to see that despite what the Bible says on homosexuality she shouldn't judge me. She rattled off about how God is love and it isn't her place to judge me. She told me that she loved me and was sorry for all she had done. She…she uh she told me she feels responsible for what Tom did to me, she said she feels like she handed me to my rapist. I really don't know what to do with any of this Ashley. What the hell do I do?" I choked out as tears started to roll down my face.
Ashley stroked my hair softly and I buried my face against her stomach, letting my tears soak into her dark blue tank top. She moved one hand to my back and rubbed it in soothing circles as she just let me cry.
Ashley was always amazing like that. She knew when to push and when not to. It was like she could read me and understand me better than anyone else had ever been able to, even better than I could understand myself. I was beyond lucky to have her in my corner.
Ashley stayed quiet, just letting me know with soft touches and soothing caresses that she was there with me. She didn't demand that I tell her what had happened, she didn't try to force the truth from me, even though I knew she was dying to know. She just let me get to it in my own time.
Once my tears had lessened I rolled over so I was lying on my back with my head still resting in her lap. Ashley smiled kindly down at me and tenderly wiped the last few tears from my cheeks with her thumb, her touch gentle and comforting.
I looked brokenly up at her as she gently cupped my cheek in her palm. "Spencer the only person who can know what to do here is you. Your mother has not treated you very fairly, my god that is such an understatement. Your mother had treated you appallingly, and to most people her actions would be totally unforgivable. But whether or not you forgive her is totally your call and I'd say it's not a decision you would want to make lightly. There is no rush here Blue, take some time, think about what she said and how you feel. If she really means what she said to you then she will be waiting if and when you are ready to let her into your life again," Ashley murmured, while gazing down into my eyes.
I nodded and reached up to cup her cheek in my hand, "Thank you, you always say exactly what I need to hear. I don't know what I'd do without you Ashley Davies."
Ashley blushed and smiled down at me, her eyes flicking back and forth between my eyes and my lips. I unconsciously licked them, unsure of when they had gone suddenly dry, and moved my hand off her cheek and down to her chin. I moved my thumb to her lips and gently traced the full contours. Her eyes closed and she moved to place the softest of kisses on the pad of my thumb as it caressed her smooth and oh so kissable lips.
This was the closest we had come to intimate contact since the night before Tom had attacked me. At first after the attack I was scared, terrified to let her close because then she would see how dark and damaged I was inside, plus the thought of anyone touching me sent bolts of fear through my body and now that I was healing I was still holding back somewhat. I wasn't scared anymore, I knew what I wanted and it was Ashley.
It had been almost a month since the attack and all in all I was healing well. I had good days and I had bad days. I'll admit the majority of my good days involved Ashley in some way. I wanted us to be together but until I was sure I could give her all of me without holding anything back I wasn't going to go there. Ashley deserved to have me completely, not in half measures.
I continued to caress her lips with my thumb, remembering that night a month ago when I had my lips pressed against hers under the stars, on that night everything was possible. Just thinking about it made me smile widely and moved to sit beside her, keeping my thumb on her mouth.
Ashley opened her eyes as she felt me move my head from her lap and raised her soulful chocolate brown eyes to meet my ocean blue ones. I sighed, torn between closing the small distance between us and kissing her and pulling away and ignoring the voices screaming in my head to get my lips on hers as fast as possible.
Ashley smiled in her beautiful understanding way and reached up to take the hand I still had gently resting against her face. She brought my hand to her lips and kissed it adoringly before holding it in her lap and caressing my skin with her slightly calloused fingers.
I lowered my head, a huge part of me wishing I had just kissed her. Ashley reached up with her free hand and tilted my chin so she could look into my eyes, "Its ok Spencer."
"What's ok?" I murmured distractedly.
"I am a patient woman and I'll wait until you are ready for us. You and I have come a long way in the last month, but there is no need to rush it. I love you and I will be here for you whenever you are ready for this to go further. There is no pressure or expectations here Spence," Ashley said with a kind smile that crinkled her nose in the way I found so beautiful.
"God you are incredible, almost too good to be true. Seriously Brown are you even real or are you just a figment of all my dreams come true?" I asked with wonder evident in my voice.
Ashley laughed, a glorious musical sound that spilled over me like warm honey and made me flash her a wide, toothy smile. "I promise you Spence, I am 100 per cent real and as flawed as the next person. I just think you and I are perfect for each other so our flaws don't matter because they just help make up the perfection that is this bond between us," She replied with a grin.
I had no words to respond to that, but I had something else. I stood up from the sofa and smiled at her, "Wait here." Ashley nodded and I jogged out of the room, returning soon with my black acoustic guitar.
Ashley sat up straighter and smiled in anticipation. I flashed a smile before an expression of nervousness settled over my features. "I have been working on this song for a while and it's not quite finished but I want to play it for you. I seem to spend a damn lot of time expressing myself to you through song, but I think the melodies and lyrics express more than my words alone ever can. I hope you like it," I said as I perched on the edge of the coffee table and began strumming my guitar.
Ashley moved to the edge of the sofa and bit her lip as she waited for me to start singing. I smiled and gave myself over to the music.
"Watching the stars at night
There's nothing that I'd rather do
The moon is the only light
That I can use to look at you
So let's make this memory last
Of this night that we've come to claim ours
I promise I'll never forget
Such a perfect night under the stars"
I beamed at her as I strummed the guitar and prepared to sing the next verse. Her eyes were glued to mine with a sweet smile on her face and the first hint of tears on her cheeks.
"The air is warm with comfort
The air is warm with taste
There's nothing we have to look out for
So let's make the most of this place
So let's make this memory last
Of this night that we've come to claim ours
I promise I'll never forget
Such a perfect night under the stars
I promise you
I promise you
I promise you
I promise you"
Ashley was letting her tears flow freely now, I hoped they weren't tears because she thought the song was crappy. I took a deep breath before beginning the chorus. This song was not one to be blasted out, it was soft and tender and I hoped it conveyed all I felt and was not eloquent enough to say.
"So let's make this memory last
Of this night that we've come to claim ours
I promise I'll never forget
Such a perfect night under the stars
So let's make this memory last
Of this night that we've come to claim ours
I promise I'll never forget
Such a perfect night under the stars
I promise you
I promise you
I promise you
I promise you
I promise you"
I kept my eyes on her as I strummed the last few cords with a smile fixed on my face. Once I'd finished playing I set the guitar aside and moved forward to take her hands in both of mine.
"I have been working on that song since our first, and well only, official date. It has been almost impossible to find the words to express what that night with you meant to me. I actually don't think the words in that song are adequate, but I hope they give you some insight to what that night and you mean to me," I finished my little spiel and smiled nervously.
Ashley blinked away her tears and a beaming smile broke out on her face. "Yeah I think I get it Spence," Ashley said with a teasing, but watery smile, which I gladly returned minus the teary part, "and I hope you know that night meant just as much to me. I am starting to get a little spoilt by all the songs. I think we inspire each other Blue, well I know you inspire me."
"You inspire me too Brown. You make me feel things when I'm with you that I have seriously never felt before and it's amazing to me," I reply earnestly.
"I bet it's also a bit scary, given everything you've been through," Ashley said insightfully.
I chuckled and nodded, "Yeah it is, but it's the kind of scary that is like a high. I guess to me this fear I feel is just telling me that this is worthwhile, this fear makes me feel so completely alive."
Ashley smiled and looked up at me from under her long, thick eye lashed. We looked at each other in silence for a while and then I stood up, pulling her to her feet. "So if I remember correctly you and me have some celebrating to do tonight."
"Ah yes you would be right there. So how about we have dinner and maybe a drink or something? We haven't been to Pella in a while without having a gig, they start serving dinner soon yeah?" Ashley asked with a sweet smile.
I glanced over at my clock and nodded, "Yeah they do. Give me fifteen minute to get changed and we'll head down stairs. I'll text Glen and tell him to save a table for us."
"Great, and um, do you think you might have some clothes I could borrow? My sweats and tank top aren't exactly what I'd usually wear out to dinner," Ashley asked with an adorable eye roll.
I laughed, "Sure Brown, come on and let's see what we can find." I led her down the hall to my bedroom, texting Glen along the way, and fifteen minutes later we were both dressed for a night out. I have to admit I liked seeing her in my clothes, it was kinda hot.
Ashley had settled on a pair of my black shorts with an olive green v-neck shirt and a pair of my black pumps. She looked incredible and I could hardly stop myself from staring which, judging by the smirk on her face, she was well aware off.
I on the other hand had thrown on a pair of dark blue skinny jeans, a white v-neck t-shirt and a brown waistcoat with a brown leather cuff on my left wrist. I had left my hair out so that it flowed over my back. I completed my outfit with my white Converses and some simple makeup. I kept catching Ashley sneaking glances at me out of the corner of her eye, it was kinda nice.
We grabbed our bags and headed downstairs to Pella. As soon as we walked in Glen came bolting up to us and greeted both of us with warm hugs. "Hey baby sister, hey Ash. It's good to see you both. Spence, Dad called and he said Tom got arrested, that is brilliant news!" Glen pulled me back into his arms and spun me around so my feet left the floor. I giggled and ordered him to put me down.
"Yeah it's great, hence why we are here celebrating. I also had a surprise visit earlier," Glen raised his eye brow to encourage me to continue, "Yeah Paula turned up at my door this afternoon."
"Shit, are you ok?" Glen asked with a look of concern. I really loved my big brother.
"Yeah I am, it was just hard to see her. She said she was sorry Glen, that she regretted all of it and wanted to take it all back. I guess I'm just confused about what to do now," I answered with a sad smile.
"I'll bet. Whatever you decide to do Spence, I got your back and I know this little lady here does too," Glen said as he slung an arm around Ashley's shoulder. I beamed at them both and nodded.
"Yeah I know, now how about you hook us up with a kick ass dinner so we can celebrate Tom getting arrested?!" I teasingly suggested.
"Yeah I think I can manage that, right this way ladies, I reserved you one of our best tables." We followed Glen as he led us through the crowd to a table set up near the stage. Once the dinner rush was over the tables would be moved to the side and the dance floor would open up, but until then it was a prime eating location.
We said our thanks and Glen headed off to check on the kitchen leaving us to peruse the menus and smile shyly over at each other. I know it wasn't officially a date, but in my mind it felt like one. We were shy around each other, which we hadn't been ever really. From the second we met we connected and felt at ease with each other and now here were, two friends having dinner, and we were being as shy as two junior high kids on their first date.
Soon a waiter came and took our orders, once they had brought over our drinks I bit my lip and glanced at her at the same time she happened to glance at me. We both blushed and giggled. I rolled my eyes and cleared my throat, "So, are you excited to hear the final recording of the demo?" I asked to ease the tension. In a few days we were meeting Derek and Sam and Neil to hear the demo in its entirety.
"Yeah I am, it's all so exciting. I mean I have wanted this for so long and now it's all starting to happen. It's truly amazing," Ashley answered softly, her expression one of joy and contentment.
"Yeah I know the feeling. I became stagnant with my music, suffocated and trapped in that orchestra. The only times I felt free were when I was writing music at home in my music room, well that is until Julian convinced me to join the band," I said with a slight chuckle.
Ashley grinned, "Yeah well that's when everything became possible for me too Spence. Before you joined our band we were just getting by, not really getting anywhere. Once I heard you play that violin solo at the orchestra and then saw what you could do at Julian's the next day I knew that Julian had been right. You were exactly what the band had been missing, you were also what my life had been missing."
I blushed and looked away shyly. "I don't mean to embarrass you Spence, but I want you to know that the day you came into my life things changed for me. It was like I never knew there was something I was missing until I met you. I guess this is a round about way of me saying that I am glad I met you Spencer Carlin," Ashley murmured as she reached over the table to give my hand s gentle squeeze.
"Well I'm glad I met you too Ashley Davies. I never would have gotten through all of this without you," I replied with a grin.
We held each other's gaze, each of us smiling softly and almost tenderly at the other until the waiter brought out our dinner. We each reluctantly let go of each other's hands so that we could start eating. I picked up a forkful of my delicious smelling mushroom risotto and lifted it to my lips. I watched her eyes as they locked on my lips while I took a mouthful of the food. I felt a smirk break out on my lips as she blushed and looked down to her own food.
The rest of the meal passed like that, with shy glances and not so subtle gazes and flirting. We fed each other tastes of our meals and joked and laughed about anything and everything. For the first time since the attack we were just two people who were deeply attracted to each other, there was no baggage holding us back.
We had finished our meals and had moved to the bar to have a drink when a short woman with spiky blonde hair stepped into the DJ booth and began her set spinning records.
Ashley grinned when the first song to come out of the speakers was Lady Gaga's Rock Show. I knew she had a secret love of Lady Gaga, she didn't like people knowing because it didn't quite fit with the whole rocker chick thing she had going on.
I giggled and grabbed her hand to lead her out to the dance floor. Ashley followed me willingly, swinging her hips as she walked behind me. We hit the middle of the dance floor and began dancing to the music, still holding hands but with a bit of space between us.
We laughed and got really into it. One thing I had learnt early on about Ashley was that she was an incredible dancer and that she totally loved it. The music seemed to invade her and she moved to it effortlessly. I just gave into the moment and followed her movement. As the night continued and the dance floor got more and more packed, we were forced to move closer and closer together.
Ashley looked at me questioningly, as if checking how I was coping with the closeness of not only her, but of a mass of strangers. I just grinned and looped my arms around her neck to pull her even closer to me.
Ashley's smile was blinding after that as her hands found their rightful place on the small of my back. We swayed to the music, our bodies moving in perfect time instinctively. We really did fit together perfectly. I could remember dancing with Tom and it being kind of awkward and strained. There was none of that with Ashley, it was just natural and easy.
We danced closely, intimately and if I'm honest the feeling of her body against mine, her arms around me felt so damn right I was questioning all the reasons I had in my head for why I wasn't ready to commit to a relationship with her. A relationship I knew I wanted, that I knew would make me happier than I had ever been.
It's funny, I had been talking in circles with my counselor about my feelings for Ashley after everything that had happened and had found no resolution. Instead it took a night spending time with her, holding her in my arms for me to see the truth. I could not be completely happy without her.
I pulled back and looked deeply into her eyes, finding the love and understanding that I knew I would always find there. Ashley tilted her head and smiled at me sweetly. I took her hand in mine and led her out of the club. Once we were outside I spun around to face her and tilted my head as I gazed at her, once again blown away by how truly beautiful she was.
Ashley looked at me in confusion and asked softly, "What's going on Spence?"
I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair as I bit my lip as nerves started to take me over. "I, uh…I wanted to say something to you and a crowded club seemed like probably not the best place to do it," I mumbled.
"Ok, you can say anything to me Blue, you know that. So tell me, what's going on gorgeous?" Ashley asked with a tender smile on her face.
"Tonight was great. While I was with you in there I forgot the world, forgot all the shit and drama that has been making me keep you at arms length. I guess what I am trying to say Ashley, is that while I was holding you in my arms on the dance floor tonight I couldn't for the life of me remember why I was holding back, why I wasn't letting us be together," I murmured, my eyes locked on hers which were starting to fill with tears.
"Ok you need to be really clear with me here Blue, what exactly are you saying to me?" Ashley asked with a serious look on her face, but a hopeful twinkle in her beautiful mocha eyes.
"I need you to do something for me Brown," I said, biting my lip again.
"Anything Blue, you know that," Ashley said with a warm smile.
I swallowed around the lump in my throat and took a deep breath, "Ok, Ashley would you, um…will you please ask me out?"
Ashley looked at me searchingly, seeking my eyes for any sign that I was not completely serious. Finding nothing but my open vulnerability and love Ashley smiled widely and asked, "Really?"
I smirked and tilted my head to the side, "Yes really."
Ashley smiled at me like a kid on Christmas and reached out to take my hand in hers, stroking my knuckles with her thumb, "Ok. Spencer Carlin, will you please go out with me tomorrow night?"
I tilted my head and fixed a thoughtful look on my face as though I was pondering the offer, "hmm I dunno." I said teasingly.
Ashley looked at me in disbelief and said loudly, "Hey!"
I started to laugh unable to hold a straight face any longer, "Sorry Brown, I couldn't resist. Yeah Ash I'd love to go out with you tomorrow night."
Ashley beamed at me and bit her lip and she gazed at me from under her eye lashes. I grinned and reached over to cup her cheek in my hand. I stepped closer to her and leaned in slowly. I let my eyes travel between her eyes and her mouth, grinning when I saw her tongue dart out to moisten her lips.
I paused a millimeter from her lips and whispered, "I love you Ashley," before I pressed my lips against hers. The kiss was sweet, hot, tender and loving. It was gentle and made me wonder how the hell I had survived without her lips for the last month. I tangled my hands into her wild curls and pulled her closer to me so that I could deepen the kiss.
Ashley wrapped her arms around me, one hand was on my waist while the other found a place in between my shoulder blades. I felt her smile into the kiss before her lips began dancing with mine again. It was the most wonderful kiss we had shared to date. This one was special. This one was a promise of something more, of our future.
I broke the kiss and stepped back out of her arms. I bit my lip and grinned at her before turning and walking towards the stairs to my apartment. "Hey, wait! Where are you going Blue?" Ashley called after me.
I spun around and winked at her, "Well I figure there is no better way to end the night than what just happened so good night Ashley. Call me tomorrow and we'll sort out what we're doing on our second official date."
Ashley shook her head and giggled, "Ok Blue, good night beautiful."
I smiled tenderly and waved before heading upstairs to my place, the smile never leaving my lips.
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Song Used in this chapter:
Under the Stars by Jamestown Story
