The past and memories burying the present, small words lost on deaf ears…
WARNING: This fanfiction contains swearing, malexmale, violence, child abuse
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Characters ©
Chapter 29
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HP
The trip back was silent.
The worried look on Sirius's face had sunk back into a dark scowl.
Harry could feel the tension, the slow turning of his Godfather's mind.
This silence said more than anything Sirius could have done, it was thick and heavy and hung over them as they caught a taxi back to London. Harry wished they could have just Apparated, or maybe even caught the night bus where the only thought was to stay upright.
But no magic was to be used and travelling with an unconscious boy and wanted murderer hadn't given them much choice.
Luckily though, many of Snape's outward injuries inflicted by Vernon had healed, allowing them to hail a cab without too many questions.
Harry sat silent in the badly lit, confined space. The small figure on his right leant heavily against his shoulder and Harry wished for the same safety in unconciousness.
He heard Sirius crack his knuckles, but the man said nothing, staring out the window.
The taxi was getting too warm, but he didn't want to break the silence in case it triggered something, and the last person he wanted to involve in this, was the small hunched over taxi driver, who drove at a nerve wracking speed for someone who could hardly see over the steering wheel.
He bit the inside of his cheek, and stared out the window over the top of the messy raven haired head propped on his shoulder.
His arm was going numb, but he clutched the small body tighter to himself.
Panic slowly set in and he couldn't breathe properly.
Everything was going so wrong.
"Sn-Harry." A small shake of the shoulder and Harry blinked wearily out the window.
He was warm where he must have fallen asleep against the smaller boy, cheek resting on top of the messy hair. Caught half aware he tried to brush away the cold tone his Godfather had woken him with, the guilt that sat in his stomach.
"I'm sorry."
He should have told Sirius about the potions accident.
Then he wouldn't have had to lie to the only one left in his family, he could have gotten help, not have had to face this alone.
He should have warned Severus, should have arrived earlier.
It was his fault Severus had gone to the Dursley's without a warning, it was his fault the man had suffered again because of Harry's stupidity. Wasn't he the one that always caused Severus into trouble? That made Severus risk his life again and again?
"It's not your fault." The tone was softer, Sirius's hand on his shoulder. But there was still a hard glint to his eyes.
Harry blinked out into the badly lit street, the pavement tinged an unnatural orange from the light spilling from the cab. The shadows seemed to be waiting for him as he shuffled forward. He had trouble getting out of the cab, trying to pick the small body up while Sirius paid.
Tears started to well in his eyes, Sirius probably hated him now, thought he was pathetic, weak.
He stumbled and almost dropped the weight in his arms and the glare Sirius shot towards him, burnt as he was shoved unceremoniously aside as Sirius snatched the injured boy from him.
Harry bit his lip, trying to tell himself that Sirius was reacting only to the image of Snape. That the man couldn't see that Harry was inside, and had obviously reacted to that without thinking. But what if that wasn't it?
Srius dumped the unconscious body onto the couch and turned to face him, before he could even walk a step into the room.
"Now you're going to explain this… this whole mess of the Dursley's to me, S-Harry." The voice was low, almost calm but with an edge to it.
The words bit into him.
He had hoped beyond reason that maybe the revelation that Harry was actually in Snape's body would distract the man, had hoped he would have more time to come up with an excuse, a story, something.
Anything.
Anything to make it all go away.
Instead he was forced to face this…
He had expected shouting, denial, threats, rage.
But this quiet, brooding, deadly voice weaved its way through the air, filling it with unpredictability, instability that shifted beneath Harry's feet.
He steadied himself, caught in the doorway. Wishing to step forward into the room, half wanting to run back out on to the streets.
Not able to meet Sirius eyes.
He couldn't say anything.
"How about we start from the beginning." Sirius took a deep breath and Harry saw that the man's hand shook ever so slightly. "How long have those fuckin-" there was a pause where the barely suppressed rage in the voice, that had caused Harry to flinch, was replaced by more appropriate words and a control Harry didn't know his Godfather possessed. "How long have the Durleys, treated you this way?"
Harry stared hard at the floor.
This was it.
This would be the confession that could leave him without a family, without friends.
With pity and disgust.
He could feel his strength ebbing, he didn't have the force to deal with this tonight, all he wanted to do was curl up and hide. Instead he lifted his eyes to meet Sirius's hard gaze. He felt unclean under that look and it tore into him, did his Godfather hate him? Did he think him weak? Unworthy?
"I don't know." He rubbed a hand over his face, trying to hide from Sirius, from himself. "Since I can remember, I guess."
The hard gaze fell at the words.
Anger, fear, guilt, sorrow, ran in quick succession across the older man's face, but ended with a sharp ferocity that lit up his Godfather's eyes.
"I'll kill them." The man stood slowly, deliberately taking the time to gather himself as he straightened, eyes gleaming. And Harry took an unconscious step back under the force of the almost cruel, cold emotion that swept from him. The voice cracked a low growl in his throat. "I will fucking tear their souls out of their throats and-"
The man took another step forward and Harry tried not to flinch, but this anger swept around them, contained in the small room and Harry knew it had to be released.
He knew his Godfather cared for him…
But the irrational panic that crippled his nerves, left him standing, eyes a little too wide, breath a little too shallow in his chest, told him to run.
His mind kept yelling at him that this wasn't Vernon Dursley, but every instinct told him to cringe away from the man.
He stood, caught frozen, by his mind, the anger. The inside of his cheek raw where he held it firmly between his teeth.
"Although it sounds like a rather appropriate punishment Black, I believe we should follow Potter's wishes for the time being." The tension snapped and Harry, taking in a quick grateful breath, turned to see Snape sitting, glaring at the convict. Harry thought he caught Severus's gaze soften as he was caught in emerald eyes, but it flickered and was gone.
There was a moment of tense silence, before Sirius shifted and turned to Harry.
He flinched.
And the man seemed to deflate right before Harry's eyes.
"I'm so sorry Harry."
Pain, desperation, self-loathing, and a range of other emotions clung to those words as the man hid behind his hair.
"All these years… I should have seen what they were doing to you. I should have had you move in with me in hiding. I should've…."
Eyes averted as he rubbed at his eyes.
"I've failed you."
Harry blinked, stepping forward tentatively, hand coming to rest on his Godfather's shoulder. He loved the man, knew it wasn't his fault that Harry had suffered under the Dursley's, no matter how many times he had pleaded to stay with the man and been refused.
"You didn't fail me." He offered the bent head a small smile. "You didn't know, I didn't want you to."
"But I've failed the trust James placed in me."
Harry flinched.
"My best friend's trust."
His Father.
"I'm so sorry."
James Potter.
"Then you've failed my father, not me."
The black haired man cringed at those words, as if they stung him, more than the idea of failing Harry's trust.
Harry felt tears bite at the corners of his eyes, was he only a faded reflection of his father?
SS
Severus had woken in the taxi to the tickling sensation of warm breath on his neck and an uncomfortable kink in his neck. But the warmth that radiated from the body next to him kept him still, and the steady, gentle, warm puffs had seemed to forgive him, though he knew their owner never would.
He held onto that feeling, until they were brought to a stop.
Harry's arms had given away to Sirius's, and he had forced himself to stay calm. The couch had felt cold through the thin clothes as the warmth Harry had given him was leeched away.
The conversation that broke the tense silence sliced the air. He had only ever heard Sirius use that voice in the most dire circumstances, it brought with it memories which Severus pushed back, concentrating on the present. He would deal with them later.
He had forced himself into the conversation, eyes narrowed, watching the darker side of Black come forth, the side he was more accustomed to. He had always wanted Harry to see the true nature of the mutt, but the badly concealed fear he saw on Harry's face made his heart clench.
The boy shouldn't fear the one person he looked up to as a father, no matter how much Severus hated the criminal.
But he had also interrupted, to give Harry a way out if he needed one. But the way the boy had reacted to the mutt's words looked like he wasn't going to ask for any help…
He was going to run.
Severus watched Harry flinch under the forced projection of his father, of the mutt's memories and expectations placed over the boy.
He would have to step in again. Obviously the man knew nothing.
"No, he failed you, not your father. If you may recall James Potter died over ten years ago, you can't fail a dead man." Severus smirked as the mutt whipped around to face him and Harry gave him a surprised, slightly apprehensive look.
Draw the mutt away from the boy.
"What would you know about loyalty and promises Snivellus! Obviously you haven't kept you wizarding debt for those ten years you stingy bastard. You'd probably be ecstatic if Harry was dead!"
"That's not true." Harry jumped in before Severus could open his mouth and slice into the man before him. "He's saved me more times than I can count."
The mutt turned in surprise to Harry, and Severus tried to remember if anyone had ever stood up for him before without the promise of personal gain. Even Dumbledore had had a hidden agenda.
"But he didn't save you from this." The low growl cut straight into Harry and Severus could see the way his knees almost buckled and his emotions splash quickly across his face. If he had had the time he would have marvelled at how easily he could read the boy.
"But he was the one that was sent back there. It should have been me…"
Severus ignored the boy's soft whisper.
"You are suggesting that if I had known, I would have left Potter in that hell hole?"
Sirius scowled.
"I wouldn't put it past you."
"Then you are more jaded in your opinion of me then I believed you to be." Severus frowned.
"Jaded?" The man whipped out his wand, pointing it directly at Severus's heart. "I see you for who you really are, worm."
Severus ground his teeth, those words had almost perfectly echoed the words of Vernon Dursley. His ribs still ached from where the healing potion hadn't finished its job.
"Sirius. Please don't." The soft plea caught the man.
"How can you be so calm?" Agitated. "Your in his disgusting body! You're trapped in a nightmare that he is pulling you down in. He's probably enjoying it." Sudden realisation, and accusing eyes returned to Severus. "You touch my Godson's body in anyway and I will rip your head right from your body…"
A menacing growl.
"I'll make you wish you died that night."
Dark eyes flashed as emerald eyes open ever so slightly.
A dark grin.
Severus repressed the shudder and the memories that clambered in the back of his mind.
But he let his hatred for the mutt simmer and seethe.
This wasn't the time and place.
"I would have thought considering the circumstances, your request is nigh impossible. I am in his body." He baited the man because he could do nothing else. He needed time to regain control. The way this body reacted to emotions almost amplified them, he had a hard time keeping them hidden as they threatened to swell up an consume him.
And although he would have loved to let his unbridled rage for the man go, he had more important things to deal with tonight.
Harry.
"You keep your filthy hands off him." The man stepped forward towards Severus menacingly. The wand was gripped with white knuckles.
"Sirius. Please, this is stupid." Severus's eyes left Sirius only for a second to glance at Harry, whose face was a little flushed. Embarrassment?
"Stupid?! What if he's been molesting you!"
The flush increased.
Yes, it was embarrassment.
"I'm sure that's the furthest thing from professor Snape's mind." Another emotion flicked across his face too fast for Severus to catch.
Sirius glared holes at him and Severus raised an eyebrow.
"You can never tell with this child molester."
Severus flinched at the sudden reminder of the small boy a few nights ago. The blood, the stench of fear, the Dark Lord.
Death.
His silence had been long enough to alert Sirius to something.
"You sicko." Was the low growl as the man stalked forward, only to be stopped by Harry.
"Please Sirius…."
"He's been using you!" Voice raised. "He probably set this up! Switched bodies so he could-"
"This was my fault!" Harry cut through the loud voice with his sharp one, and Severus smirked from his position on the couch.. "It was my fault. Severus was only trying to help me, and I screwed up a potion."
The potion's professor blinked. Harry had just called him Severus, almost as if he was used to calling his hated potion's professor by his given name. The boy didn't even notice the slip.
"And it's not like he's had the time to waltz around in my body, between the Dark Lord and the Dursley's…"
"Exactly! That's his fault as well!" The voice bounced off the walls as the man riled himself up, turning back to Severus. Accusing. "You've put Harry in even more danger!" Anger. "Because of you he went to a Death Eater meeting! You delivered James Potter's son straight to he-who-must-not-be-named you twisted son of a bitch!"
The man's fist still clutched at the wand.
"Your fault he had to stay at the Dursley's. You were suppose to check up on him every summer! You hated James! And now your taking it out on his son!"
"We all had a duty towards Harry Potter , Black, and you are just as responsible for checking up on him as I was. It was the Order's mistake for not looking closely at the situation, but not our fault. That fault rests with the whale we left back at Private Drive." Calmly spoken, though he seethed inside at the accusations. He couldn't help but feel the truth behind the words.
He should have seen what was happening at Harry's home.
He should have been more careful with Harry during the meeting with the Dark Lord, hadn't Harry gone to save him?
He should've kept a closer eye on him.
"Don't give me that bullshit! It's all your fault. Harry could have come to live with me, if you hadn't spoken against it. You just didn't want James's son to be happy! You couldn't stand the idea that even though James was gone there was someone to take his place. The memory of him would never die."
"Such is the pity." Severus scowled. He could see warring emotions dancing across Harry's face as he stood just behind the mutt. It was these memories and expectations that tied the boy down and Severus wished he could erase them.
Harry was not James Potter.
"But you've failed, because when I'm cleared James's son will come and live with me, and there's nothing you can do about it!" A triumphant smile. "Harry has taken James's place, everyone can see the resemblance! He's exactly like his father, and that's why you hate him! Because James Potter's memory is still alive."
"James Potter is dead."
The words hung in the air with a sense of finality.
Broke only by a swift movement.
The man lunged at Severus.
"Stop." Harry's voice cut through the room, his hand gripping the back of Sirius's robe, stopping him from his forward stride toward Severus.
"Please Sirius!"
"He deserves to die! That filthy disgusting Freak!" A back handed swing, dislodged Harry from the man's robes and sent him sprawling on the floor.
Shock.
Silence.
"Oh Merlin! Harry I'm so-" Severus watched as Harry backed away from his Godfather, fear in his eyes.
"Out."
Severus, stood, seething as Black turned to him confused.
"Get out." A hand pointing toward the door.
Sirius looked back at Harry, who avoided his eyes.
"I-"
"Not tonight, Mutt."
Narrowing eyes and an almost animalistic growl as the man's attention came back into focus on Severus.
"This is all your fault. You've done this. You couldn't get your revenge on James, now your using his son."
"This is nothing to do with that man. Harry needs rest for tonight. He needs-"
"He needs me."
"Please, Sirius." The soft voice from the floor and Severus winced, he had been trying so hard to keep the man's attention off the boy.
"I'm right here for you." The mutt's voice softened and the boy on the floor looked a little relieved. "I won't fail James like this snake has."
Pain.
"I'm not him." A whisper and Severus sighed.
"I think you should leave for tonight Black."
The man glanced up at the use of his name and seemed to snap out of the daze he was in. He took one look around the room and stepped back a little.
"Tomorrow would be a better time to deal with all this."
The man's shoulders slouched, and he bent to help Harry up.
The boy flinched and didn't take his offered hand.
Wouldn't look him in the eye.
"Ah, Tomorrow." The other stood with those words and Severus tried to hold the glare back.
"I-" Sirius started again, but stopped at the doorway, staring down at Harry's bowed head.
"I'm sorry."
He left a thick silence behind him. Almost as if the air had been sucked out of the room as soon as the front door had closed with a soft click.
Harry looked up, ebony eyes drifting around the room slowly, not meeting Severus's emerald gaze.
Looking so lost.
Sitting on the floor, knees tucked under him, arms hanging limp at his sides.
So lifeless.
"He'll come back."
Eyes turned to him.
"Will he?"
"Of course. He loves you." Severus tried not to wince at his own words. He hated how the mutt had a way of hurting everyone around him. Harry should never have had to deal with the convict.
"He loves James."
"Harry…"
"He loves my father."
"Harry, he-"
"Everyone loves my father."
Severus lowered himself gently to the ground, as the ebony eyes wandered around the room again. Tears had started to fall unchecked down the boys cheeks.
"Everyone thinks I'm him. But I'm not him."
Severus took the chin gently in his hands and forced the eyes to meet his own.
"I'm not James Potter…"
He stared straight into the ebony eyes.
Nodded slowly.
"I know."
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To be cont'
