Sam couldn't stop thinking about Gabe. He woke up after having been hugged by Cas for a prolonged period of time the night before just wanting Gabe. He wanted to text him to see what he was doing, or call him to hear his voice even if he just got the voicemail. But he couldn't. It wouldn't be fair to Gabe to drag him down with Sam's fucked up life. He rolled over in bed and immediately felt Gabriel in his arms. But Gabriel wasn't there.

Sam got up quickly. Being in bed was not going to be easy if he kept feeling Gabe every time he moved. It was about time for breakfast anyway. Walking into the kitchen, he knew this was going to be a bad day.

He asked Dean and Cas, who were curled up with each other on the couch, "Have you guys had breakfast?"

Dean looked down at Cas, who seemed to be sleeping, and replied quietly, "Nope. I just got up."

"Pancakes or waffles?" Sam asked.

Dean softly nudged Cas awake and asked, "You want pancakes or waffles?"

Cas yawned, stretched, and mumbled, "Bacon."

Dean laughed.

Sam shook his head. He didn't need to be reminded of that morning after spooning Gabe the first time. He really didn't. But the kitchen had done it already. Every time he went to grab something, he'd turn around remembering where Gabe had been standing when they made breakfast together. Maybe this idea to keep away from Gabe wasn't as great as he thought.

He grabbed the flour and tried to focus on the soft, fluffy texture. This was for the best. Gabriel would be better off without having to deal with him. This could be okay. Sam mixed together the dry ingredients, grabbed the eggs. There were only four eggs left, so they could still have either waffles or pancakes.

"Waffles or pancakes? Last chance," Sam said.

Dean got up from under Cas and joined Sam in the kitchen.

"Waffles, I guess," Dean said. Sam reached for an egg. It slipped from his fingers and cracked open all over the counter.

"Dammit," Sam said. The last time that happened, Gabriel had laughed for minutes and wiped it up from behind Sam, way too close to Sam's back. Sam slammed his fist into the counter, trying to forget that painful and wonderful memory.

"Sam?" Dean said, "It's just an egg, it's not a big deal."

Sam nodded and said, "Well, we don't have enough eggs for waffles now."

Dean put a hand on Sam's shoulder.

"We can have pancakes. It's not a big deal," Dean said.

Sam couldn't stop thinking about Gabriel.

Sam shook his head, "That's not why I-I just need a minute."

He took a breath, trying to focus, but he kept seeing the inside of Gabe's flat, eating breakfast with Gabe, falling asleep with Gabe. He really needed to stop thinking about him.

Dean looked at Sam, concerned, and said, "Why don't you go chill with Cas on the couch and I make breakfast?"

Sam nodded, head swimming with thoughts of missing Gabriel. His chest ached, thinking about him. Maybe it didn't have to be forever. Gabe didn't seem to mind trying to fix Sam.

But he could never ask it of him. He couldn't be that selfish.

He wandered over to the couch and plopped next to Cas who was staring at Sam curiously.

"For what it's worth," Cas said quietly, "I think you should call him."

"Have you talked to him? Is he...?"

Cas looked at him groggily and said, "I woke up literally five minutes ago. Don't ask stupid questions."

Sam rolled his eyes and slumped back against the couch.

"We're going to Gabriel's after breakfast, though. You can come, too, if you want," Cas offered.

Sam shook his head. "I can't," he said.

Cas nodded, "Suit yourself."

He really wanted to go. He wanted to go and tell Gabe how much he meant to Sam. There was so much he wanted to get off his chest, and there was so much Gabe needed to hear. But he was broken, just like his stupid arm. Gabe couldn't fix it, so why let him waste the effort.

He knew he was broken. If he dated Gabriel, he wouldn't even know what to do. He'd quickly fall back into his pattern of texting once a night to check in, telling him where he was going, who he'd be with, asking permission before talking to friends. This is what he was used to. He didn't know how to be a boyfriend any other way. And Gabe would have to break all of that. And what if Gabe wanted to have sex at some point? Sam wasn't at all sure if he was ready to have sex again. And he may never be. Not after all the pain with Luci. Gabe would have way too much to tackle, and that wasn't even including any blows to his mental state and self-esteem that were completely justifiable to speculate on.

Dean got Sam's attention by waving a plate of pancakes in front of his face.

"Dude, food. You're still planning on eating, yeah?" Dean asked.

Sam nodded and wandered over to the table where Dean plopped down his plate.

As he picked up his fork and started to cut into the pancakes, he started to feel a little better. Maybe he was hungrier than he thought.

The syrup drenched bite of pancake touched his tongue and suddenly he was back on Gabriel's futon before ridding his room of Luci's things. He blinked and swallowed, nearly breathless from the strength of how much he missed being at Gabriel's. This was ridiculous. He'd only seen Gabe yesterday. The idea of not seeing him again was killing him. It was necessary, though.

Sam looked up to see Dean staring at him.

"What?" Sam asked.

Dean asked, "You alright?"

Sam nodded.

Dean put down his fork and raised his eyebrows.

Sam glanced at his hands. He was squeezing his fork so hard, his knuckles were white. He dropped his fork and got up abruptly.

"I need some fresh air," he said.

"Sam," Dean said.

Sam ignored him. He grabbed his jacket and shoes and walked out the door, leaving his pancakes relatively uneaten. As the cold city air hit him, he started to relax. He started to think that he'd had a panic attack. If that wasn't proof that he was too broken for Gabe to handle, he didn't know what was. He shoved his hands in his jacket pockets, started walking, and focused on taking slow, deep breaths of freezing, cold air.

Maybe it wouldn't be forever. It couldn't be. He couldn't just cut his best friend off.

But that's exactly what he was doing. He was a horrible person. Gabe wouldn't want to be around him. This was all his fault. If he hadn't stayed with Luci, he wouldn't be so fucked up. If he wasn't such a fucking head case, he could be with Gabe in a heartbeat. But he couldn't do that to his friend. Not with how much of a mess he was. How could he ask anyone to deal with him? This was on him. This was all on him. Any pain Gabe was feeling was solely his fault. It was all his fault.

No, this was Luci's fault. If he hadn't hurt Sam, none of this would be happening. And he'd never forgive Luci for depriving him of Gabriel. Fuck him. Fuck everything that had anything to do with him. And fuck Gabriel, too. Gabriel could have fought for him. He could've told Sam he was being stupid, and he could've stopped him from leaving. Why didn't he? Didn't he care? Didn't he want Sam around?

But what made him different from anyone else? Dean and Cas didn't want Sam around either. He was just in their way, preventing them from displaying the sort of affection they wanted to out of consideration to his fucking feelings. Charlie and Dorothy didn't want Sam around. They had bigger problems to deal with, like getting Dorothy's insurance straightened out. The last thing they needed was Sam whining about his stupid fucking mistakes.

He knew that wasn't true. He knew Gabe was trying to be supportive and let Sam make his own decisions. He knew Dean and Cas just wanted him to be happy. He knew Charlie and Dorothy loved him. Just because he knew this didn't make anything any easier. He hurt them. He hurt and lied to all of them. Dammit.

He refocused on his breathing.

Inhale.

All his fault.

Exhale.

Fuck everything.

Inhale.

Why was he such an idiot?

Exhale.

He wished he'd never been born. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and die.

He thought about letting off some steam by punching the nearest wall, but that would just remind him of how he met Gabe.

Goddammit. He thought about going skating at Millennium Park. But that would only make him remember trying to convince Gabe to go skating. He had pled uncoordinated and fought Sam on every attempt to go skating. He'd get him to go someday, though. Except he wouldn't because he was never seeing Gabriel again.

God. Fucking. Dammit.

Not remotely calmer, Sam kept walking around the block until he got back to the apartment. While he was not on the verge of having a panic attack, he was not prepared to talk to Dean about ditching breakfast. As he walked inside, he shrugged off his jacket, kicked off his shoes, and sank into the couch.

"Sam," Dean said, walking over slowly, "You wanna tell me what happened to possess you to skip on pancakes?"

"No," Sam answered.

Before Dean could say anything, Cas touched Dean's arm and asked Sam, "You want to watch something on Netflix?"

Now, there was an idea.

"Sure," Sam said.

Cas grabbed the tv remote, and Dean nudged on Charlie's Xbox 360.

They watched Labyrinth, Face/Off, and copious pilots of tv shows they'd never heard of.

Eventually, Charlie came out from being on the phone with the school insurance office to grab some food. She held her cell phone between her cheek and shoulder.

"If I add every minute I've been on hold to my age, I think I might be older than Galadriel," she sighed, earning a chuckle from Cas.

Sam focused harder on the pilot of Orange is the New Black. He didn't want to think about Lord of the Rings. He didn't want to think about Gabe sleeping on him through Return of the King. After the episode, which contained a startling amount of lesbians and girl on girl everything, Sam went to bed.

It was only 8pm, and they hadn't had dinner yet, but he wasn't tired and he didn't want to think. He was too emotionally exhausted to think much anyway. This was going to be a long life.

In the morning, the only reason he got out of bed was the constant phantom feeling of Gabe's chest against his back, which was slowly driving him insane. He blinked against the light coming from the hallway. When he could see, he saw Dean and Cas holding hands in the kitchen. He really didn't want to be awake.

Dean said "Good morning" with false cheer.

Sam glanced up at his brother and muttered, "What's so good about it?"

Charlie said quickly and cheerfully, "Hey there, Mister Grumpy Gills."

Sam rolled his eyes.

Cas walked away from Dean stood in front of Sam, almost like he was at attention.

"We are going to go to IHOP for breakfast," Cas said, "You might want to get dressed."

"Why are we going out for breakfast?" Sam asked.

Dean grinned, "Well, we don't have any more eggs. And you might enjoy breakfast more if we're out and you can pick whatever you want."

Sam knew Dean didn't want him freaking out again. IHOP probably wouldn't bring up any memories for him. He never went there with Gabe. He only went there with Luci once since Luci preferred Denny's.

"Okay," Sam said quietly, "I'll get ready."

Maybe it was a day by day thing. Maybe today would be better. Maybe he could really do this.