Chapter Twenty-Nine

Light from the sun streaming in through her thin curtains filtered through her closed eyelids slowly rousing her from sleep. As she realized her position, Kate had to stifle the urge to stretch as she woke. Lying on her side with her body pressed against his and a leg thrown over his, high against his thigh, her movement now would wake him.

She managed to lift her head from his chest enough to glance at the clock. She almost groaned in frustration on seeing that it was barely seven. She had sent a text to Esposito the night before for him and Ryan to hold the fort because she'd had a long day and would probably sleep in. But here she was awake less than an hour after her alarm normally went off.

As comfortable as she was lying with Castle, she didn't think their position was the best one for him to wake up and find them in. Carefully, she retracted her leg and shifted away from him. The hand that had been resting against the bed at her lower back tensed.

There was a moment as she watched him sleep where she let herself wonder what it would be like to wake with him every morning. To open her eyes and see him beside her relaxed in sleep as he was now, hair ruffled, face in peace, a tiny pink line in his cheek from how the fabric of her pillowcase folded against his cheek while he slept. That line led her eyes to the fainter, but still obvious, bruising along the side of his face.

She let he fingers trail gently across his shirt, remembering the sight of the bruises that marred the skin on his chest. Thoughts of that night in his apartment had her introspective again. Looking into his peaceful features as her mind replayed the events of that night, she almost cringed as she thought of her deflection. She had let her insecurities about how things would work between her and Castle rule her for so long that it had been just a little too easy to tell him half-truths and play into his assumptions.

Kate realized she had done the same thing when he woke her, a short time ago. It would have been a perfect opportunity to set him straight, but once again she let it pass. She was a coward. She grimaced at the thought, but couldn't even argue with herself. She didn't understand why it was so hard to say the words, except that she knew it would change everything.

Some part of her was not naïve enough to think that things weren't changing around them regardless of her withholding that information from him. The longer she waited to tell him, the more likely he would read something negative into her omission. It was a lie that she perpetrated every time Castle brought up Josh and she didn't tell him.

When a deep frown creased his features, she was reminded of why he was here with her. Once again her thoughts drifted to the small boy on a slab in the morgue and she decided that once the case was over she'd tell him. She didn't want either of them to be left with the thought that the other was grasping at something, anything, to take their minds off seeing the disgusting waste of life that was this case.

She felt his hand tighten at her back, balling her shirt in his fist and pulling the fabric tight around her body. That movement, the frown and a slight flaring of his nostrils was the only indication that something wasn't right. She almost envied him the calm and quiet that seemed to stick with him through even what was obviously an unpleasant dream.

She was certain she'd feel more rested after nights spent in places only her dreams could send her if she were a less active dreamer. Though, with his imagination, she'd be surprised if Castle's dreams weren't incredibly vivid, all the more reason to be impressed that he was maintaining slow steady breathing as his jaw clenched.

She continued to watch him for several minutes, as that tick in his jaw seemed to count time for her. She wondered if she should wake him, but couldn't really be sure that he would want to be awakened from whatever he was experiencing. Perhaps it wasn't that bad and he would prefer to get some more sleep. A moment after the thought crossed her mind it became a moot point as his eyes snapped open and a gasp filled his chest quickly.

He exhaled the breath, long and slow, eyes locked on the ceiling above him. As she watched, he continued to stare, lying perfectly still as if unwilling to move. She couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking about as that serious expression stayed on his face. She wondered because, while he didn't even glance in her direction, his hand loosened and his thumb or one of his fingers began to slowly move across the fabric at her back.

When the silence and his expression started to cause her to feel uneasy, she finally asked, "You ok?"

Any other time, his reaction to such a softly spoken question would have her teasing him mercilessly, but this was anything but a normal situation. She let his startled jerk slip past without comment and met his gaze as he turned his head to look over at her.

She was only a few inches from him; it was front row seats to the show of emotions that took the place of that blank stare he had been directing at the ceiling. Confusion seemed to be the dominant emotion, but it along with whatever else was there had been swiped away by a familiar expression. It was gone in the blink of an eye and he was smiling at her sheepishly, masking whatever he was really going through.

She wondered if he actually thought she would judge him for expression the same thoughts or feelings she had just a short time ago.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" He asked, and his voice was slightly scratchy, a little deeper than normal with lack of use. It's one more thing she can add to the list that they probably should have learned about each other after their first night.

She found herself wondering how things would have been different if they had woken together after that night. She wouldn't have hesitated in kissing that frown off his face while he slept, for one thing. That would have led to more, but now she wasn't sure where they stood. She wasn't sure what this meant to them, and she didn't have the energy to figure it out. "I was already awake." she responded, and watch him cock his eyebrow as his expression softened to compassion. She knew it was his way of asking if she had another nightmare so she just shook her head, "I need thicker curtains."

His smile was genuine for just a moment before his eyes darkened with some other emotion he was trying to veil. Normally she could read him like a book, but whatever was under the surface, he seemed able to keep there enough for her not to be able to pinpoint it.

"You should go." She finally said; though it was the last thing she wanted. Watching his expression darken just a little she felt the urge to explain. Soft and unsure, feelings she didn't normally attribute to herself, much less let seep into her voice, she continued, "I'm not getting any more sleep, and if you hurry you can see Alexis before she leaves for school."

He seemed to watch her intently for a moment as if trying to puzzle out some hidden meaning to her words. Finally, he gave her a brief nod and released her. Castle climbed from the bed and began to get dressed in his clothes from the day before.

She watched him in silence, his movements seemed to be carefully controlled and he avoided looking at her until he had slipped his suit jacket on. Fully dressed, he finally turned back towards her with a question in his eyes. He didn't voice it and she saw the uncertainty in his expression in those few brief moments. She watched as he seemed to dismiss the thought, whatever it had been, and he started to turn away and leave.

Beckett found herself inordinately interested in his unspoken question, "What, Castle?"

His movement stopped as his eyes returned to her again. He shrugged and seemed to consider responding, but instead just shook his head as if to say nothing was on his mind.

She lifted an eyebrow and waited him out. She knew he'd cave eventually, or at least she hoped he did. Not knowing what he might say, she was slightly nervous that it may be something she didn't want to hear. At the same time, she was on edge, hoping that he might be the one to break their stalemate so that she didn't have to.

Her silence seemed to finally wear him down and he sighed. She noticed his gaze shift to somewhere just behind her as if he wasn't comfortable asking while actually watching her expression, as if he were concerned about the reaction that his question would elicit from her. The nervous knot in her belly grew until he finally let out a soul deep sigh. "I was just thinking."

She smiled softly. He wasn't looking at her, but perhaps his unfocused gaze could still detect the movement. "Don't hurt yourself, Castle." She teased.

It seemed to hit the mark, and she watched him visibly relax just a little. Instead of addressing her remark with a comeback, he simply continued, "Once we get in there, I don't think we'll be able to stomach much of anything." Just like that he was able to bring things right back into the land of serious and out of all the thoughts of what he would say, that lead in was not on the list anywhere. She let the silence hang, still and calm, between them. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence as she waited and he seemed to gather his thoughts, "I just thought, maybe you want to get some breakfast with Alexis and me." The words tumbled out quickly and after a breath he continued speaking, filling the silence before she could respond as if he were unsure of himself or her potential reaction to the request. "If she already ate, she'd probably be happy with a hot chocolate or something. We can fuel up and grab a coffee before you head in to work and I go grab a change of clothes. I don't think it's a good idea to skip out on breakfast. I understand if you want to just grab something on the way in or if you're not hungry, but considering the fate of my last meal I was just thinking some food finally sounds good and I wouldn't want to spoil it by having to eat there, in front of the pictures and thinking about what it all means."

"Castle." She cut in as he took a breath, but looked like he was about to continue rambling. "It's not your best plan."

He nodded sagely, and started to turn away. He spoke as he made his way to the door, "Look, I'm sorry, Beckett. You're right. It's a dumb idea. I'll see you in a little while."

"Wait." She called as he reached the threshold and started out of her room. "That's not what I meant." She wondered briefly how many times they could say something that was so completely taken out of context. Deciding that it was time to just be straight, just the facts expressed with clear and concise statements, she saw the hope he had masked beneath the placid expression on his face as he waited her out. "I just think you should go home first, get changed and see Alexis. You can talk to her, ask her in person if she wants to join us, because it will probably mean she's late for school and I know how much she hates that. Then you, or you and Alexis, can meet me at Dolly's Diner and we can head straight to work from there."

He stared at her a moment, a hint of uncertainty blanketing his features as he took the few steps back to stand at the bedside, looking down at her for a moment, "Ah, so it's not my best plan, but you concede that it's not the worst one yet."

Kate rolled her eyes, but it was a halfhearted gesture. "I don't need it leaving this room that I'm a complete wreck." She watched the flash in his eyes and knew he was about to tell her off for thinking he would say anything to anyone. She knew he wouldn't so she cut in before he could even respond, "But you should know that it's easier with you there." He eyes fell away from him, unwilling to let him see how much this whole thing affected her. She knew he had some idea that she wasn't as strong and capable as she let on, but it was still new for her to share it with anyone. "I don't like the idea of walking in there alone and facing the fact that we've got nothing."

She felt the bed dip slightly beside her a moment before his face came into view over her, blocking the uninteresting white ceiling she had been regarding as she spoke. He leaned onto the mattress with one hand supporting him and before she realized his intent he had brushed a gentle kiss across her lips. He seemed as surprised as she was about the action and abruptly stood back up taking a small step back. "I know." He said and then turned to leave. She didn't know which part he was expressing knowledge of, but somehow she knew it was the entirety of her statement that he understood.

She lay there in silence as he finally left the room. She couldn't help reaching her fingers up to gently touch her lips. His impulsive act of kissing her seemed an entirely too intimate moment. It was something lovers did, a kiss before leaving, and she dismissed the negative connotations of that put forth by the side of her that had been at war, the side that had kept her from telling him everything.

Perhaps that was the part of her that she shouldn't have been listening to. Despite her previous experiences with the difference in her personality and reconciling them, she couldn't help but wonder if that 'voice of reason' that she always assumed was the angel on her shoulder, was actually the devil.

x.x.x

A/N: Yuck. That didn't go where it was supposed to. We should be back at the precinct a couple days into the case, but this is what happened instead. Sorry. I could have continued to where I had wanted to end this, but it's already getting long so we'll let Castle have a crack at it all next chapter.

I had a total geek moment yesterday. License plate on the car in front of me was SK8TANA. I'm sure it had something to do with Skating, but all I saw was Kate in Stana. Cracked me up, but my sister just rolled her eyes at me

Side note on reviewer's comments lately: If English is not your primary language; you can leave your review in your native language if that's easier. I can get it translated if you just let me know what language it is. That way it's easier, especially considering that English is such a frustrating language for people who are born here, having to learn it after probably learning a language with less stupid grammar and rules is probably tough.

Review that made my day: eesperas, Yes, go ahead and translate this. From your profile I'm guessing you'll translate it in Russian? That's a blanket authorization for anyone else, considering my foreign language is actually American Sign Language, and I can't translate it for those who don't read English. Just shoot me a message and let me know where to find the translated version, not that I'll know what to do with it once I know where it is. That's actually very cool and exciting.

daphnebeauty, you should shoot me a message next time you're visiting your family in my area and I'll buy you dinner. It'll be good to chat with someone about Castle without the above reaction I got from my sister for being a geek.

Thanks to everyone for reading.