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"Nikki!"

Kate's head snaps up from her book and she frowns, glancing towards the kitchen. Her husband's body is half inside of the refrigerator and she turns right around, getting to her knees and leaning against the back of the couch to watch him.

"Nikki!" He calls again, and Beckett frowns. Slotting her bookmark inside of the novel to mark her page, Kate sets it on the couch cushion next to her and stands up to head to the kitchen.

When she reaches her husband she laces her arms low around his waist, her nose at his spine, and she chuckles when he jerks in her grip. "Did you mean me?"

He turns in her embrace, frowning down at her, and she doesn't miss the blankness in his eyes. It's only there for a moment and then he's grinning, leaning in to kiss her softly and skating a palm up to settle between her shoulder blades. "Of course. Always you."

"Rick." She frowns, scratching at the stubble that covers the hollows of his cheeks with her fingertips. He leans in to her touch, almost purring in satisfaction as his eyes slide closed. "Tell me you were just joking around."

"Of course." He shrugs, his eyes coming open again to meet hers. Kate does her best to swallow back the sick feeling in her guts, letting him go so he can carry on gathering the sandwich meats for their lunch. It isn't the first time this has happened.

Isn't the first time her husband has looked at her as if he's never seen her before. "Rick, please. Don't lie to me."

"Beckett." He grits out, closing the refrigerator with more force than is really necessary and pressing his fist against it for a moment. His eyes are screwed closed again, but this time it's not in delight. "Leave it."

Kate opens the floodgates, letting the panic and the terror come pouring in. Tears spill down her cheeks and she lets him see it, all of it. Because if there's one thing that has always spurred Castle into action, it's Kate's pain.

Already, he's dragging her against his chest and cupping the back of her skull, his lips at her temple. "Shh, baby, come on. It's okay. I'm okay."

"You're not okay." She growls, mouth open on a strangled sob. Anguish fists its ugly claws in her ribs and she draws in a shaky breath, her fingers tangling in his shirt. "You keep forgetting me."

She feels the sticky wetness of Castle's own tears at the top of her head, his embrace crushing her, and she hopes to god Bea doesn't drop in for one of her unannounced visits this afternoon. Since she finished college three years ago, their daughter has been living in the city and she often stops by just to say hello to her parents. If she finds them crying together in the kitchen. . .it doesn't bear thinking about.

"I'm scared, Kate." He whispers, and she works her arms free from around his waist to cradle his head against her instead.

And now it's her turn to soothe him, fingers carding through his hair over and over and desperate kisses pressed to his cheek and jaw. "I know babe. It'll be alright. But we can't keep dismissing it as nothing."

"You're right." He nods, letting her pull back and grab tissues for them both. He wipes away the tear tracks on his cheeks and blows his nose, balling up the tissue and tossing it into the trashcan from several feet away. "You're right."

Kate drags him with her towards the couch and curls up close at his side, her head pillowed against his chest. Stroking her fingers over the back of his hand, she gives them both a moment to collect themselves before she speaks. "Richard Castle, we've been married for nearly thirty years. I'm going to be right by your side through this, whatever happens. I love you, so much."

"I love you too, Kate." He chokes out, his hand folding around her knee. "I'm not ready to leave you yet."

Her desolation must show all over her face because he clutches at her again, his embrace almost stifling. She closes her eyes against his chest and draws in a deep breath, letting the familiar smell of him wash right over her.

"You're not leaving me. We have an amazing life, wonderful kids and an amazing grandson. I'm not letting you get out of our life together that easily."

"I don't want out." He murmurs against the crown of her head. The dog comes skulking over from his bed and jumps up onto the couch, laying a heavy head on Castle's thigh.

Kate smoothes her fingers over Kit's head, the silky fur soothing her just a little. "I know. You're not going anywhere, Rick."

"Kate. . ." He starts, one hand peeling away from her to smooth down the dog's furry body instead. Kit rolls onto his back, seeking affection, and the distraction seems to loosen the words from Castle's tongue. "You'll be okay, right? If something happens to me."

"Don't talk like this, Rick. Nothing's going to happen to you."

"But if it did." He grits out, insistent. His body underneath her is rippling with tension and she kisses him, soft and seductive until he relaxes by increments.

Eventually, he manages a smile for her, strained though it is. "I'll be okay. You've given me so many happy memories, and a beautiful family. But Castle, let's not think about that. Because I really don't want to have to think about not having you."

"I'll put up a fight, Kate." He says insistently, taking her hand so their palms kiss. "I won't leave you."

She does her best to believe it, but even hours later when Bea stops by to get dinner with them she's dwelling on it. And of course her daughter picks up on it, frowning at her from over top of her wine glass.

Doesn't matter. Beatrice can glare all she wants; Kate is not burdening their children with this.