A/N:
1) I'm back finally - and sorry for dissapearing for so long. I returned from taking care of my father to find all my pet canaries dead or dying(in my hands), and myself fired, though despite practicality it is the former which has taken the most out of me, and for a long time, I haven't been able to even think about writing (though that's probably a good thing since as you may know when I'm depressed I write tragedies WITH tragic endings, not just liberal angst along the way).
Anyway I hope that these first efforts do not dissapoint (I cannot tell if I'm entirely happy with how they turned out but I can't say I'm happy with much lately so I suppose I may be a biased jury).
In any case, I hope to be updating more regularly... and Thank You All! for all the support which has given me something to come back to!
2) Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: EternityInYourArms, Grey Grapevines, SerenaRiis, cara-tanaka, DragonAngelRaven, Choas Babe, EmeraldEyed, bermellon, ladyofstayne, Erestory, hisokauzumaki, archangelraphaelsdaughter, AvoidedIsland, LeoLuin, noukinav018, Nicholls, Beloved Daughter, AquaBurst, SomeofAwe, IONCTM, AliceTheHunted, articwolfgirl347, ThatOneFan, Psyche102, Nitmi, fan girl 666, Nenagh 24, Isis36, Guest, pointyearsrule, Ordis, Guest, Byvenic, StarCaptain299, AoiGinga5, Avoided Island, Skye Guardian, Chani, Yana5, phoebe turner, le-maru, wolf of infinity, Purplenurpl, Saniwa, sami1010220, Dadairro, AiryAri, Guest, EmeraldWings90, Tears and Rain, darkoraclegirl, Crossover Addict, Baow, The Hollow Inside, samiam 13, Redhood, killing u with umbrellas, peppymint, Random Google, and Power of Funk. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.
Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, you are all great!.
3) On a lighter note, I have made and posted fanfic covers for all my fics, and since the resolution here is terrible and they look awful (not complaining... images take up so much cyberspace), I also posted full-res versions on my tumblr, which is: astragalactic dot tubmlr dot com (spaces removed of course)... so if any of you are digital-art afficionados like myself, enjoy!
4) Finally, for any Holmes fans out there - or for any of you who like the redemption arc that this story has followed, "Dynamics of an Asteroid" is a non-crossover Holmes fanfic that I'm writing which spans AGOS, the Great Hiatus, and beyond, following the emotional journey of a character (Alexandra Moriarty) who is like Loki here our narrator, except arguably, she may well at times make Loki seem an angel by comparison... so if youre interested, uhhhh...there that is.
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When Loki arrives on Asgard, he chooses to rematerialize in his old chambers, certain that they will be long desolate….. because traveling in this manner has always been exhausting, even for him, and he'll need to rest before facing whatever awaits him.
What he does not expect though is that he isn't alone – that instead of the emptiness he'd thought to find, there is the unmistakable presence of another. It reminds him of Thor, and for that reason, there is little surprise that registers when he enters his bedroom and finds the Thunderer there – asleep, sitting against the foot of his bed.
It would be so easy to draw all the wrong conclusions because centuries ago, Loki had banned Thor from his chambers after he and Sif had used them as an improvised staging area for one of their fights with the warriors three…. and the resulting devastation had been far from acceptable, or necessarily reparable.
Over time, of course, the Thunderer had apologized for it all…. but there had still been the issue of his friends, and Loki had left the magical wards intact, as well as his injunction not to enter.
Now those wards have been long-since shattered – something that definitely had not been pleasant for the Thunderer – and once in the not-too-distant past, it would have been easy for Loki to resent Thor for it all…. to conclude that this violation was proof of how little his supposed family ever cared for him or respected him.
But he's not that person anymore, not after all he'd learned from the fragile mortal who had become so precious to him. So instead of getting angry, he takes a moment to look at Thor – to really look at him – and what he sees…. hurts.
Even if the misery written on Thor's sleeping, unguarded, features was not clear…. his emotions are only too easy to know, because stepping out onto the balcony, Loki finds himself in the midst of pouring rain.
This is not one of the Thunderer's healing rains, which cool unbearably hot days and nurture the ground below, nor is it the raging lightning and thunder of his anger. No… this is misery in its truest form….. an overcast sky which looks as if it hasn't cleared in days, but is too weary to even muster a single flash of lighting.
The sky is weeping – because deep down inside Thor is also – and even asleep as he is, he can't truly find respite from the pain.
Thor doesn't stir as Loki stealthily walks back inside and drops to one knee before him. He wouldn't in any case; Loki had always excelled at stealth, and a year as a cat had done nothing to detract from that quality.
This close, Thor looks fragile, vulnerable and broken…. in ways that are entirely wrong on the Thunderer's features, and something clenches within Loki's chest because the last time he'd seen Thor look this lost, he'd been trapped as a mortal…. defeated…. hopeless …. and it had been Loki who'd delivered the final blow to break him by telling him that he'd destroyed his family…. and would never again see his home.
Now he regrets all that….. how deeply he regrets it all….. but if there's anything he's learned from Tony, it's that the past cannot be changed, and all he has to work with is the shattered imperfect reality of the present.
"Loki…"
Loki starts slightly as he hears his name be called, wondering for fractions of a second if somehow he'd awakened Thor before realizing that it's not that at all, because the Thunderer restlessly shifts in his sleep, fingers tangled in one of Loki's green cloaks, calling out in a tone that burns with desperation:
"Loki …. no!"
Sighing lightly as he listens, Loki wonders if Thor's troubled dreams are of him harming the Thunderer – after what he'd done to him last time it would make sense – or maybe of him destroying worlds or something else equally unpardonable.
The idea burns, but Loki's come too far to be angry about it, and he's done too much - perhaps has hurt Thor too deeply – to expect forgiveness or even feel that he deserves it.
Utter devastation and raw anguish replaces the previous desperation in Thor's tone as he as he clutches the green cloak tighter to his chest and all but screams: "No!", but it is only when tears start to stream from his closed eyes, and his voice shatters from grief as he whispers over and over: "I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry." that Loki realizes what truly has been tormenting the Thunderer's dreams – and if it was even possible his heart shatters a little more.
What sometimes feels like an eternity ago – or alternately is so raw it could have been just yesterday – when Thor had been calmly walking up to his executioner, he'd taken on his shoulders all the blame for their quarrel….. and at the time, while part of Loki had wanted the Thunderer to bear that blame alone, and part wanted to call him a daft fool, the greatest part of him refused to give those softly spoken words any more weight than a failed attempt to placate him - for all that in the end Thor had simply offered himself up defenseless before Loki's desire for revenge rather than pleading for forgiveness.
It isn't until now though that Loki knows the depth with which those words had been meant…. knows that through it all, Thor had blamed himself for the collapse of their bond of so many centuries, even as the part of this revelation that cuts the deepest is that in all this, Thor had never merited any real guilt.
That day, staring certain death in the face, Thor had admitted that he didn't understand why – because he'd never known…. couldn't have known… that Loki had been collapsing from within for so long and had at last been utterly shattered by the truth of his lineage and all that truth entailed, and in all the years of life they had shared, the Thunderer had never intentionally hurt him – but that fact didn't stop Thor from assuming that it was he who had hurt Loki, because in the end he had believed in Loki more than Loki himself could at that point…. enough to assume that the only thing that could have driven Loki to command his own brother's death was some indescribable hurt that could neither be forgiven not forgotten…. and the fact that in all this, Loki had been so very willing to cast their love into the icy void between the realms and drown it in blood while Thor had cherished even the shattered fragments that he'd so stubbornly refused to let go…. feels like more than Loki can bear.
Frozen in place, Loki fights back the tears that threaten, because he'd expected anything – had been prepared for anything – but this, and had Thor been rightfully angry at him, had he come to hate him even, Loki wouldn't have begrudged him for it, knowing that after all he'd done it was deserved. Instead he'd spend an eternity trying to atone for his actions, if that's what it would take.
Perhaps it wouldn't be enough ever… perhaps true absolution would remain a dream forever out of reach….but even that wouldn't stop Loki from trying….. and why should it? Such a hopeless situation hadn't stopped Tony.
This though… to come back and find that in all this time, Thor had blamed himself for it all – to find that his attempt to end his own life which had finally lost all meaning still haunted the Thunderer's dreams – to find Thor still mourning for him….. This is the one thing Loki doesn't know what to do with, the one thing that manages to tear anew into the heart that Tony had slowly and steadily helped him to heal – even though this is a different kind of pain…. it's mingled with warmth and a feeling of belonging that only in the past year he has become familiar with.
Kneeling here, finally, Loki knows beyond any doubt that he is loved. He doesn't know, however how to stop Thor's pain…. doesn't know how to heal the bleeding wounds that his own actions have opened in the Thunderer's soul. All he can do is try – and that is exactly what he does. Leaning closer to Thor, he gently rests one of his hands over the Thunderer's, and softly calls his name.
There is a moment of shocked silence while Thor registers his presence…. a moment while he realizes that Loki is not some residue of a dream or his pain-fueled imagination taunting him…. and then he suddenly lurches to his feet.
Loki stands too – reflexively – unable to tell whether Thor's disbelief has morphed into joy or caution, because even though he knows Thor loves him, caution would be more than warranted…. and it is only when he finds himself enveloped in the warmth of Thor's embrace that he can finally stop doubting.
Outside the pouring rain slows to a drizzle, and Loki remains still, just soaking up Thor's presence, only realizing now how much he'd missed him.
This isn't one of the crushing embraces that Loki had once shied away from as a child. Instead Thor is cradling him close…. as if he's…. precious …. and it is that realization, mingled with the memory of Thor… of his brother …. laying dead by his hand which draws a strangled sob from him as he splays one hand over Thor's chest, feeling his heart beat…. and breaks away.
Loki knows it is entirely unlike him to give voice to his pain in this way, because of the two of them it was Thor – and only Thor – who was that completely open with his emotions, but he doesn't really care anymore….. not when the truth of what he's done is so heavy a burden to bear, and all he can do is whisper:
"How can you…."
Before he can finish, Thor cuts in softly, calling his name in a tone that's something between a plea and a prayer….. and before the apology Loki knows is coming can be uttered, he lets out a strained bitter laugh, cracking with grief and guilt, as he turns to rest his forehead on the windowpane and stare out over their sleeping world and chokes out:
"Really, Thor? How can you think to apologize to me when it's I who hurt you…."
He hears the Thunderer approach him, sees in the reflection of the window the concern written on his features – but the image burned into his mind instead is one of those same features set in a cast of utter despair and hopelessness …. because of his lies….. and though in another life, Loki would have scorned Thor's unquestioning belief in his words and called him a fool…. all he can feel in this moment is sickened by himself – for hurting his brother when he was already so … so broken.
Cautiously – obviously unsure how much his presence will be accepted – Thor reaches out, gently touching his fingertips to the armor covering Loki's wrist before trailing them down to lightly cover his hand.
The Thunderer murmurs something soothing ….. but it is lost in the wave of white-hot agony that sears through Loki as he remembers warm yielding flesh being ripped by sharp metal and hears the sickening crunch of shattering bone as he – embodied in the Destroyer – had lashed out, extinguishing the fragile mortal life which was all Thor had left.
Loki doesn't know what is worse…. that he'd killed his …. brother…. or that he'd felt nothing when he did it. All he knows is that looking back on those fateful moments feels as if his heart has frozen and shattered into fragments that are tearing him apart from the inside out.
All he knows is that there is no describing the magnitude of this agonizing regret for what he's done – except for a whispered admission that is more an anguished sob than words and yet can do nothing to express the pain and horror filling his mind:
"…. I who killed you."
Again Thor calls his name in that same gentle hopeful tone, but Loki doesn't reply…. there's nothing left to say because there can never be any real absolution for him.
Loki knows this now…. and it would be so much simpler if Thor would just accept it and leave him be …. but the Thunderer has always been stubborn, and upon receiving no reply, once more carefully gathers Loki in his arms, turning him around to face him, although this time he leaves a little more distance between them.
In another life, Loki would have resisted…. but he feels too tired -too broken – to even muster the strength to do so. It doesn't stop him from verbally resisting though, doesn't stop him from reminding the Thunderer in a brittle tone: "…. I killed you"
For all that he's called his stronger sibling stupid far more times than he can count, he knows that Thor hasn't forgotten… cannot forget this, and needs no reminders of the fact. It is simply that the Thunderer's reaction to seeing him again is so far removed from what it should be that he cannot help but state a reminder that neither of them need…. and yet it far from has the effect it should have, because suddenly his brother's hands are cupping the sides of his face, gently, and his tone when finally he does reply is calm and comforting:
"And I would give my life a thousand times with no regrets, just to have you back, brother."
Loki closes his eyes, not wanting the tears in them to show…. not wanting to admit to the desperate hope filling him or the desperation that burns beneath it… not wanting to acknowledge the bitter weariness lacing his whispered words, because he's asking for something that perhaps shouldn't be:
"Am I still your brother?... with all I have done?"
And finally, Thor smiles – heartfelt, open, trusting …. all those qualities that Loki had once scorned but now finds that he needs because they complete him – replying softly… sincerely:
"Always, Loki. Whatever you do…. wherever you go, you will always be my baby brother."
At last, Loki gives in…. not because he can feel that he deserves this welcome, this forgiveness, but because he needs it… he needs his brother in the same way that he has missed him…. both with a consuming fierceness which he only truly understands now that they have finally been reunited, and this time when the Thunderer embraces him, he returns the gesture with his entire being.
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