Chains of Memory: Part Twenty-Nine

Internet access has been secured. With that said, my director of studies has mentioned a 40-hour week, so... watch this space. My updates probably won't be as regular as I'd like.


Himeko busied herself with the keys to the door, humming something cute and nonsensical to herself. For my part, I hung back uncomfortably. As confident as I am in most social situations, this is anything but most… and as far as I can tell, Himeko is unaware of my tension. So I can't afford to say anything. I'll just have to bear with it, especially since I brought all this on myself to begin with.

It's hard to think coherently, though, especially when I am so… happy? Perhaps. But I'm not really comfortable with my new situation, either. It's just less bad than the old. I can't think like that, though, not when I'm already this fortunate-

Himeko pushed the door open, stepping through. "I'm home."

"You're really late, just where have you been this time?" Saotome said, coming to the door then stopping dead. She gave me an unguardedly bemused look. "Uh-"

"Chikane-chan's going to stop by here for a bit," Himeko said cheerfully. "That's okay, right?"

I gritted my teeth and bowed my head. "I'm sorry. I've treated both you and Himeko badly. I apologise deeply for that."

Himeko looked at me in surprise, while Saotome just scratched her head, looking bemused. "I don't really get it," she said. "But if you apologise like that, I guess I don't really have a choice."

"No. There's no need to forgive me after everything. I don't expect that. So, if possible, I'd appreciate it if you could at least let me start again here, and act in a better way."

"Well, it isn't as if I wasn't angry with you," Saotome said, collecting herself slightly. "But don't misunderstand. I was angry about Himeko being upset, since the rest isn't important enough to lose sleep over. So if she's forgiven you, then so will I."

"I've forgiven her," Himeko said hurriedly. "Though it was more than half my fault anyway."

"Don't believe her when she says that. But, thank you." I straightened, looking at Saotome thoughtfully. "And I'm sorry to disturb you at this time of night, as well."

"You two make me feel old," Saotome groused, stepping back into their flat. "We're supposed to have at least some inertia at our age. This is bad for my heart."

"It's okay this way, isn't it?" Himeko said, following her and kneeling to take off her shoes. "Since it turned out for the best."

"How about one of you explains all this to me, anyway?" Saotome asked. "Oh, and what's up with the head?"

"A sparring accident. It should heal." I stepped over the threshold myself, silently apologising for the intrusion. I shot the room beyond a furtive glance. This was the first time I'd been in Himeko's room, and I was rather curious about the whole thing.

"We met in the park and talked things over," Himeko said vaguely. "It's not like we hated each other, so we could settle things amicably enough."

"That's quite a thing to settle," Saotome said, glancing suspiciously at me. "I hope you didn't promise anything unwise."

"Of course not. I'm not an idiot, and even then, Chikane-chan wouldn't let me do anything like that." Himeko walked towards the kitchen. "I'll make dinner, okay, Chikane-chan?"

"If you insist," I said, closing the door behind me and stepping into the flat proper. "Tell me if there's anything I can do to help."

"I doubt that, so it's safe to ask," Saotome observed. "Well, sit down, anyway."

I did so, looking around as intently as politeness allowed. It was rather less spacious and elegant than my custom, but I suppose that's to be expected. And it was well kept, probably thanks to Himeko. She seems to be a good housekeeper, as far as I can tell. That fits with her gentle image.

Saotome sat opposite me, looking at me piercingly. "This must be rather different from what you're used to," she said.

I looked blankly back. I've already decided that humouring her is for the best. Himeko is more important, so there's no meaning in unnecessary risks. "Not at all. I have enough friends in student accommodation to know. And being independent is also commendable. I'm still relying on my parents."

"Oh, really?" Saotome leaned forwards, resting her chin on her hands and yawning slightly. "It's not something so precious to me I wouldn't trade it away for more rooms. Or for anything, really. Independence just means you have to clean it and pay for it."

"Can't you talk about something more cheerful?" Himeko asked from the kitchen. "It's embarrassing."

Saotome shrugged. "Fine, fine. Harry's gone back, hasn't he?"

"Forwards, rather than back. They're touring Japan right now." I blinked at her. "I can give you his number, though, if you like."

"No thanks," Saotome said. "A stop on the train is one thing, but the Pacific's larger. Besides, I wouldn't have much in common with him, either."

"I suppose so." I narrowed my eyes slightly. "And is your university course going well?"

"I'm getting by," Saotome said. "The clubs are more fun. A lot of interesting people. I'm trying to get Himeko to join one."

"You make it sound like I'm being lazy," Himeko said, now busy with whatever she was cooking. "But it's not like that. I keep telling you, there aren't really any clubs that I'm interested in, that's all."

"No cooking club?" I asked thoughtfully.

"No cooking club," Himeko echoed. "Though I might not join that even if there was one. I cook enough here, after all."

"There is a photography club, though," Saotome said. "I keep telling her to join, but she always makes excuses."

"They're not excuses," Himeko grumbled.

I smiled slightly at her tone. When I hear her like this, I almost forget how distraught she was not an hour ago. Far more than me, she rallies fast. She's strong, insofar as she's just so happy being around the people who care for her. "You stopped doing photography before, right?"

"Right. I'd rather do something new than pick it up again now."

"So she says," Saotome observed, shrugging. "But if you ask me, she's more worried about the time constraints, and being able to meet a certain person."

I turned away from her, glancing at the back of Himeko's head. "Did you enjoy photography? I'm curious as to why you quit in the first place, actually."

"I enjoyed it, but it started to feel pointless," Himeko said. "I didn't have any direction. And the photos I did make, somehow they made me more sad than happy."

"You should try again, all the same," Saotome said. "You can always quit, right?"

"Well, yes, but that way I'd be letting the other members down," Himeko said, turning back to her cooking.

"That doesn't matter," Saotome said. "And, well, it's not true. They don't mind, it's what everyone expects of new students. You should impose on people a little more, and see what you like."

I frowned thoughtfully. "Well, it might be worth trying, indeed. You can always practise a little in your spare time before joining, and see if you like it."

"That's a good idea," Himeko said. "I might look about getting a cheap camera, then."

Saotome sighed. "Yes, yes. If that's what makes you comfortable, go ahead." She glanced at me. "But I'm surprised you're okay with her becoming even more busy than she is now."

"If it makes her happy, then she should do it," I said. "Nothing else really comes into that… and I have even more commitments than her. I'd feel guilty if she didn't enjoy her own spare time."

"Hmm." Saotome gave me a thoughtful look but said nothing more.

I turned away calmly and watched Himeko cook again. In many ways, I'm not who I was before, especially with this. I still have many more doubts, many more fears, but I also have Himeko's words, Himeko's promise. She said she wanted to be with me. So I don't have to feel insecure any more, since she felt strongly enough to forgive me and say that so clearly.

I wish I felt I deserved that, but Himeko may have been right. Grandfather's position, my mother's misfortune, this cramped flat and the many things I can't justify even to myself, about myself… you get what you get, not what you deserve, be that good or bad things.

Himeko put the plates in front of us. "Pasta, since it's simple," she said, putting a plate in front of the place next to me and sitting down. "I've been trying some new things like that, to see if I can learn something new."

"It looks delicious." I picked up my cutlery deftly, trying to remember the last time I'd eaten pasta. One of the restaurants I'd been dragged to at the start of term?

"I prefer noodles," Saotome said. "But I suppose this is fine too."

"Do you have to say that?" Himeko complained. "It makes a change."

"It does, it does," Saotome said. She began. "Where's Souma, anyway? He hasn't dropped by recently."

"He phoned me earlier," Himeko said. "He sounded like he was doing okay."

"I saw him in the canteen," I said. "I'm sure he's doing fine. Possibly he's inundated with work, of course."

"How about you?" Saotome asked. "I doubt your professors go lighter on you."

"I can manage," I said. "Just. My schedule is very tight, I may have to drop a club or two."

"So you say, but what you try and do at once is superhuman to begin with," Saotome said. "It doesn't make sense to me."

"You're in a lot of clubs, too," Himeko said. "It's not like you work less hard."

"Yeah, but I'm not going to be a top-ranker at the end of at all. It's unreasonable." Saotome looked down broodily. "In any case, you should be worrying about yourself. Have you done that essay?"

"Almost," Himeko said. "I'm totally ready, apart from the actual writing thing."

"That's not almost, that's not at all," Saotome said. "But it's not like I don't understand. Make sure you explain clearly to him when you hand it in, so he doesn't get angry."

"I'll try," Himeko said. "But I don't want to sound like I'm making an excuses."

"It's not making excuses when you have an explanation, you know."

"Umm. With Fujioka-san, it's only not making excuses when you have an essay," Himeko mumbled.

"I suppose you can't argue with that." Saotome glanced at me. "Any big ideas?"

I glanced up in surprise, swallowing a mouthful of pasta. It was rather good, actually. "Hmm… nothing springs to mind. It's not a question I can be comfortable answering under the circumstances, anyway."

"I suppose so."

I smiled slightly as she looked away. Something like this, sitting and eating with Himeko, is quietly comforting. And even Saotome adds to the familiar atmosphere, so I can't resent her presence. Or rather, would I feel more pressure if it was just the two of us? Perhaps. Right now, I'm not inclined to push my luck, even in my head. Though all of this is simple, I'm grateful for it, all the same.

"How about you, Chikane-chan?" Himeko asked, looking at me. "Do you get on with your tutors?"

"I suppose so," I said. "Mashiba-san was rather distant with me. I'm not sure why. Perhaps that's just his manner."

"It's surprising. You're the elite at the elite school, after all." Saotome glanced in my direction before returning to my food. "Did your parents go there, or something?"

"They went to Kyoto, and it's there my mother has invested. It's ironic that my grandfather should order Isato there, and me here." I shrugged. "Though that may be what Mashiba-san resents. Not the Kyoto business, but it's possible he doubts my academic credentials as a result of my status."

"Seems a little far-fetched. Maybe he just doesn't like you."

I smiled coolly. "That's always possible, of course."

"Did they meet there?" Himeko asked curiously.

I blinked. "Sorry?"

"Your parents."

"Oh. No, not in a significant way. It was a few years later they really met." I shrugged. "I don't know much about it, though. No child wishes to know anything about their parents' romance."

"It's interesting, though," Himeko said wistfully. "I still can't really imagine your parents, though you talk about them a lot. They must be really interesting people."

"I suppose so," I said, aware we were on dangerous ground again. For her more than for me, true, but also for me. "I don't know them as well as I'd like myself. They work hard for me."

"It could be worse," Saotome observed.

"I know. I've never considered myself unfortunate."

"It'd be nice to meet them some day," Himeko said idly. "When will you see them next, then? The end of term?"

"Quite possibly," I said. "If they're not too busy, I'd go to meet them."

"Are you homesick?"

I shook my head. "Not really. I'm used to this life, and Otoha-san is still looking after me."

"Me neither. Well, this is almost like the dorm at Mahoroba anyway." Himeko blinked. "Ah, do you need to tell Otoha-san where you are?"

"Who's Otoha-san?" Saotome asked.

"My attendant," I said absently. "In any case, I'd forgotten, but I'm sure she won't worry. She knows I can look after myself."

Himeko frowned. "Maybe, but you should still tell her. I'm sure she'd worry even though she knows you're strong, because she's kind."

"You may be right," I admitted. I put my cutlery aside and stood. "If you'll excuse me, I suppose I'll take care of it, then."

"Go ahead." Himeko picked up her plate. "I'll start the washing up."

I walked to the front door and stepped outside, pulling out my phone. I rang the address of my apartment. Presumably she'd be there.

"This is Chikane Himemiya's residence."

"It's me. Good evening."

"Ojou-sama! Where are you, staying out late without warning me? I'd understand if it was a club, but I was expecting you two hours ago!"

I winced. "I'm sorry. I forgot… in any case, I'm at Himeko's place."

"You are?"

"I am. She's… uh… forgiven me, more or less."

"You haven't done anything, have you?"

She sounded half-suspicious, half-resigned. I took a moment to work it out. "No, nothing. Saotome is here as well."

"I see. I'm glad, then. When will you be back?"

I glanced at my watch. "Maybe in an hour or two. Oh, and I've eaten."

Otoha-san sighed audibly. "Well, take your time. You might as well enjoy yourself."

"Thank you," I said. "I'm sorry for inconveniencing you like this."

"Not at all. I'll see you when you get back."

"Until then. Bye." I rang off, feeling slightly guilty. I can forgive myself for my rather overwhelmed self earlier today, but I should have thought of this sooner once I'd calmed down. I guess I was still basking in the afterglow of being forgiven, after all.

When I turned around to walk back, though, Saotome was standing there.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

I smiled wanly. "Go ahead, though I've never had much luck with any statement preceded by those words…"

"I'll be short," Saotome said. "I don't understand your exact situation, or even your exact relationship with Himeko… whatever. It doesn't matter. I'll forgive you this once, but make sure you don't hurt her again, okay?"

"I'm not as confident as I once was about that, but I'll try my best," I said. "It's not as if I want to hurt her, you know."

"Maybe. Just be careful." Saotome folded her arms. "I know you can take this stuff, and someone like me is fine too, but Himeko is different. She's had a difficult life and she takes thing hard. She can do what she thinks best, of course, but I don't want anyone hurting her."

"I know. I'll do everything I can. Like I said, I also want to protect her." I met her eyes. "In an ideal world, I'd take over from you in doing so… though whether I can do so is another question."

"If you insist. I don't get it, though. Why… her?" Saotome looked at me analytically. "Whatever you want, there has to be other people as well. I can understand her position, but if you're seriously talking this way… I still don't understand why."

"I'd answer clearly if I had a clear answer," I said. "It's just because it's her, that's all. She's not an ordinary person. If you're close to her, you must understand that."

"Maybe. My feelings and yours sound like they're different, though. I don't really understand that, either."

I blinked slowly. "Think what you will. I don't really have anything to say."

Saotome gave me a long look, then shrugged and nodded. "Fine. It always is her, after all. But if your mind is made up, I can't stop you, even if this is against my better judgement."

"That's fine." I glanced at her. "If I convince you, it'll be by my actions, not by my words. That's also my intention in this situation, since it's also something I have to prove to myself… that I can make Himeko happy."

"And if you can't?"

I shrugged. "Whatever happens, I'll take responsibility."

"That's your kind of answer." Saotome sighed, stepping aside. "Me, I'd say I wouldn't ever let that happen."

I stepped past her, entering their flat again. "I'm not you, though."

"How's Otoha-san?" Himeko asked, looking up. "Was she worried?"

"She's fine now," I said. "I'll tell her you said hi, if you like." I glanced behind me, only to find Saotome had disappeared.

"That would be good. Tell her I'm sorry, as well, for last time." Himeko looked down in embarrassment. "I'm sure that upset her."

"She'll forgive you. She forgave me." I frowned, changing the subject. "Do you know where Saotome is?"

"She's gone jogging. She should have gone past you, right?"

I nodded vaguely. "I was just wondering where she was going."

I'm not sure whether she's hostile or amicable, under the circumstances. But I suppose I can forgive her a little suspicion, since she let me have time alone with Himeko again.

"I've washed up," Himeko said cheerfully. "Do you want to do something? Or do you have to be getting back?"

"I have a little more time, I think," I said cautiously. "What do you suggest?"

"Hmm. I'm not sure." Himeko sighed. "The problem with this place is there's really not much to do."

"If it's with you, anything is fine," I said, feeling a bittersweet sincerity. Meaning that so much, caring this much, it's a dangerous ache. "Or we could just sit and talk. It doesn't matter, really."

"Wouldn't that be boring, though?"

I smiled. "Not for me. I don't know about you, of course."

"No, no, not at all." Himeko smiled, walking across the room and sitting down on her bed. "Just talking is good, as well."

I sat on Saotome's bed, looking across at her. It's always when we're alone, just like this, that I become aware of it again. Himeko is a beautiful girl, and I'm so very conscious of her being a beautiful girl. "I will have to go soon," I said, to cover myself. "So let's talk now."

Himeko nodded. "How about your head? I'm sorry I didn't ask earlier, but are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I said, touching my bandage guiltily. "It should heal just fine."

"How did it happen, exactly?"

"A sparring accident," I said again. "My opponent failed to pull the blow properly and struck me. These things happen."

"Don't you have kenjutsu lessons on Tuesday, though?" Himeko said, all innocent puzzlement.

"This was a catch-up session," I said vaguely. "And I… wasn't concentrating as much as I should have been. It was partly my fault."

"Oh." That seemed to have the desired effect.

I swallowed dryly. I'm not comfortable with it, all this deception. Something so simple when applied to anyone else feels so wrong when I do it to her. My head is one thing, and my feelings too… even if she says she doesn't mind I can never express these things I notice, the things I want to say. What hurts her more, the deception, or what it hides?

I don't know. I wish I had the confidence I have with everything else about this… but I don't wish for the experience of failure, not with her. Himeko is important, and all my worries start from there.


I'm here again. I've long since stopped being surprised by all this. In a way, it's comforting. At least that's how I feel right now, since my mood is fairly good.

I am in the rose garden, just like before. Bishop's waiting for me, with her sword slung into her obi again. "Good evening," she says.

"Hi." I smile at her. "How are you?"

"I don't change. You, on the other hand, are in excellent spirits." Bishop played with the roses again. "You don't have to explain, I already know. What could be better could also be much worse."

"I just did what I wanted to do," I say quietly. "Since no matter what, I didn't want to part from her. When I saw her again, I really realised that."

"I see. What are you going to do now?"

I frown. "I'm… not sure. I'll see her again whenever I can, and see how things go. It's been so fast, everything, I still haven't really had time to process it."

"It could be better if you were more decisive. But I also understand that you're following your own feelings in your own way." Bishop glances at me. "I'm glad you can at least take your time and decide… just remember nothing lasts forever. It's always better to settle things sooner rather than later. Don't waste this chance."

I nod. "I won't. I promise."

Bishop turns to face me, nodding back. "Yes. In any case, you know this already… what do you want to see? More happy scenes?"

I consider for a few moments. It's tempting, I know, and they could further balm my still-bruised spirit and confidence. Maybe the right thing to do is to reassure myself like that. But, do I really have that kind of time?

"Well?" Bishop prompts.

"How about… what happened last?" I say hesitantly. "I'm still not certain of the exact flow of events, but something happened after… that, right? How did things end, with Orochi and Ame No Murakumo? And Chikane and I? How did we end up here?"

Bishop frowns. "That's the only thing I can't show you."

"What? Why?" I glare at her. "Are you trying to protect me again?"

"No, it's nothing like that. I don't know. Or rather, my last memory is going to confront Chikane-chan." Bishop looks down at the floor. "Only the Queen knows how things ended. It's not something I can just show you."

I bite my lip in frustration. "Really? That's frustrating. Can't you take me to her, then? I'll ask her myself."

"I wouldn't advise it. It's a strain for you both, her more than for you… and she isn't well right now. Her attention is turned inwards to Chikane-chan, or rather, the Chikane-chan who stays with her." Bishop closes her eyes. "If you want to see her, make her better yourself. That's something attained on earth, not in your dreams."

"By being with Chikane-chan, right?"

Bishop nods. "More than anyone else, the Queen has to resent her lost time. She doesn't resent you because she is kind. I just hope you'll fulfil her trust."

"I'll do it. For my sake, as well as hers." I glance at her, a soft breeze rustling my hair gently. "It's not as if I'm living through these dreams alone. I just want to see what I could learn from my past."

Bishop glances at me. "You've changed. Well, I suppose you've had to change."

"I'm not sure. It feels like I'm just expressing myself more clearly now."

Bishop smiles slightly, turning away and touching the roses again. "Quite. Well, I would show you if I could. I'm no different… it's torture, knowing all of a story except the ending. And I can never, ever learn it."

"One day, I'll ask the Queen," I say forcefully. "And then I'll tell you."

Bishop laughs. "I told you, didn't I? You should concentrate on what's in front of you, rather than worrying about mere dreams."

"I can do both." I pout. "Then even you can't complain, right?"

"Yes, yes. In any case, what do you want to see? I'll show you anything else."

I look around thoughtfully. "Um… what do you advise? You know a lot more than me about everything, so can I just leave it to you?"

"I can advise. I'm surprised, though." Bishop shrugs. "Hmm. I suppose I could show you the bus station."

I blink. "The bus station?"

Bishop glances sidelong at me over her shoulder. "You can see the Orochi in close quarters. And it's also vaguely similar to what you just experienced, insofar as Chikane-chan told us not to leave…"

"That sounds good. Go ahead."

Bishop raises a hand, the scene dissolving around her. Within moments, we're standing in the evening's half-light, watching another I sitting and waiting.

"Just remember that I don't have any solid answer," Bishop says, stepping back and disappearing. "Not to the question you most seek."


"Back again?"

I stop in front of Tsubasa Nii-san, looking down at him. "Why are you always here?"

"Just as you see," Nii-san remarked. "If I'm always here, people always know where I am. It's not as if I have anything better to do."

"I don't get it, though," I said. "You're intelligent and strong. Can't you get some kind of work, and have some kind of life? You don't need to chase after the past."

"Work?" Nii-san laughed bitterly. "Even were I so inclined, my criminal record is thick and rank enough that no one would ever touch me. Nor do I have an education. People forced the fringes are forced to remain there, that's the order of this world."

"I think you could change it, if you tried," I said. "But maybe you can't change that easily."

Nii-san smirked, leering at me with his bloody eyes again. "In any case, you didn't come here to talk about me. No one ever does. You came to talk about yourself."

"It's about Himemiya and Himeko," I said defensively. "Since you said you were interested in them."

"So… it's about you," he said, with his usual infuriating smile.

I gave him an annoyed look. "Yes, it's about me. I quit, or whatever. I've been thinking things over, and this isn't the right thing to do. Protecting Himeko and making her happy… they're not this simple. What is simple is knowing that I've failed, when she's crying and hurt, all because of me."

"So what did you do?" Nii-san asked. "If it's you, you would definitely do something."

"I made them meet. I don't know how it went."

"No doubt all is forgiven. That is the nature of Ame No Murakumo's destiny."

"How Himeko feels is just that," I said irritably. "It doesn't have anything to do with your Orochi, or Ame No Murakumo, or anything like that. I'm not interested, either."

"Can you really believe that, though?" Nii-san asked pointedly. "In every lifetime, out of all the people in the world, they always find each other? And that's even so in this lifetime free of their duty, so that of all the people Himemiya could befriend it was her, and of all the people your girl could fall for, it would be her? Even your sincere affection is nothing compared to that destiny. Isn't something like that easier to accept than the alternatives for you?"

"I don't need excuses. She didn't choose me. Her reasons are always her own." I glared at him. "I can accept that, so don't try to use it against me."

Nii-san sighed deeply, frowning at me. "One and all, so few people really understand how controlled everyone is. Ame No Murakumo is just a symbol of the whole, a whole emodied by the concept of social order in itself… regardless, though. You haven't changed at all. Once and always a martyr to match the Eighth."

"You can say what you like. That's just my decision, as well." I frowned at him. "You should forget it, too. I'll contact Kazuki-san, work something out…"

"I'm not interested." Tsubasa smirked. "What is interesting is that you came to talk to me. You must know that if you never told me, I might just leave it like that."

"I don't know you very well. But I do know enough to understand this much, you wouldn't ever give up just because I said something was done, or not done. A good idea or a bad one." I sighed. "I'm trying to be fair to you."

"You've already gone back on your word," Nii-san said. "Either way, nothing is settled. I'm going to continue, and explore new options. It's not as if I didn't expect something like this to happen."

"I won't let you hurt Himeko," I said. "No matter what, that would make you my enemy."

"And if this didn't hurt her? There are other methods to use."

"I don't make any promises. Not to you. As you said, I might not be able to keep them."

"Intelligent of you." Nii-san stood, brushing off his white clothes. "Just remember this. I'm less nice than you are. You might well wish you'd let your gentle methods run their natural course before this is over."

"I'm not so nice I'd let you hurt the people I care about," I replied. "And one more thing, before you go."

"What?"

"Those clothes…" I narrowed my eyes. "They're always clean, never dirty, even though you never seem to wear anything else. Or rather, whatever you say, you can also look after yourself, or have someone to look after you."

"Some people care for me." Nii-san stepped past me. "But I don't care for anyone. Remember that."

"Everything, all of this began, because you cared for me," I said stubbornly, looking forwards. "I remember that, as well."

"That was a long time ago."