'This…this is very good,' Michelle said, looking down at her plate as though confused. She scraped the last piece of pasta from the china surface, paired it with the last remaining mushroom and ate the delectable combination reluctantly, disappointed to have finished the meal.

'You were expecting it to be bad?' he asked her.

'No,' she said, setting down her fork. 'No…but you cook well. Really well.'

He continued to observe her expression, part way between gleeful and guilty.

'Okay,' he said slowly, wondering if he was missing something. 'Uh…do you cook?'

'Oh yeah,' she lied effortlessly. 'A bit, you know. This and that.'

She wondered how long it would take for her woeful lack of culinary aptitude to become apparent, and the various ways in which she hoped he would one day find out. Until then, they could skirt around the fact. She pushed her plate away and looked up in time to see him do the same. Dinner was over. He watched her for a long moment. Clearly, it was her move.

'I don't think this is because of field training. I think this is because of that day,' she said, resting her elbows on the table. 'Because of the bomb and the nuke and the Cyprus recording and…you know, what nearly happened to both of us.'

'Michelle, that's not –

'Did it scare you?' she interrupted him calmly.

He leaned back and crossed his arms, looking caught out.

'Of course it scared me,' he said angrily, not even bothering to deny it. 'It was just one day. So much could have happened – so much nearly happened – and it was just one day.'

'It hit me much later than it hit you.'

He had his mouth open to respond, but no words came out. She blinked, taking in his sudden curiosity.

'What do you mean "hit me"?' he demanded.

She shrugged.

'You wouldn't have left me,' she said. 'Not after that night. Even if it wasn't great for you, you still wouldn't have –'

'Let's get something straight right now,' he stopped her. 'That night was great for me. Got it?'

She watched him, looking unconvinced.

'Alright,' she finally said, her cheeks slightly pink. 'Well…it was great for me too.'

His mouth curled slightly.

'Yeah, I got that.'

She gave him an unimpressed look. He smirked.

'It hit me after George's service,' she preserved, ignoring his smugness entirely. 'Almost as soon as I got home.'

'What did?'

She shrugged again, looking melancholy and jaded and so many other things he wanted gone from her face forever.

'Everything,' she told him. 'We nearly went to jail. We nearly to war. Work was bombed. Thirty of our friends died. I don't know why I thought I'd be able to continue on after it without any side effects, without properly grieving, or comprehending how close we came to losing everything.'

He frowned at the table for a very long time, absentmindedly toying with his fork.

'We did,' he said grimly. 'We came so close.'

She shook her head.

'No, you don't understand. You see…just after the bomb hit I found a man on the ground, in dark clothes, with dark hair. He was buried under some rubble – I couldn't see him properly. He was dead. I thought it was you.'

He gazed at her, listening closely.

'You thought it was me…'

She nodded.

'For a couple of seconds you were dead. To me you were. And I nearly lost control of myself because I hadn't told you that I wanted you. We hadn't even kissed. And you were gone.'

'Michelle…' he murmured. He reached forward, and covered her hand with his own. She pulled away slowly, needing to put a little space between them.

'All of that, all those terrible things…they struck me when I got home that evening after George's and I…I broke down. I was missing you too,' she didn't mind telling him. 'And I was angry at you. I'm sure it didn't help.'

'You broke down?' he asked.

She nodded, feeling she'd rather not go into detail, but knowing it was important nonetheless for him to hear.

'It was messy,' she admitted quietly, a sad smile at her lips. 'I felt pretty…bleak, I guess. I felt like I'd never be more than what I was at that moment: more or less devastated.' She looked pointedly at him. 'I wanted to reject everything – all the good things – until there was nothing left to hurt me.'

His gaze, glaring furiously down at the table, intensified at her words. He shook his head then, his face weighed down with grief.

'You were asleep,' he recounted, his voice ice cold. 'Your hair was everywhere and your arms were around me. And I woke up and…everything just came at me, you know? I wasn't expecting it. I thought I was fine.'

He looked suddenly resentful, and Michelle knew he'd gone to great lengths to avoid telling her what really happened that night. In fact, he'd hurt her trying to hide it.

'I thought I was fine too,' she said, scratching at the table with her fingernail.

'Paula,' he murmured, his eyes red. 'She was new. She was just a kid.'

He took in a long shuddering breath.

'And George…I accused him of trying to save himself…and then he saved everyone.'

She bit her lip, moved beyond measure to see such emotion in his face.

'And then us,' he said, shrugging unhappily. 'We weren't even listening to each other, or working together. And then we kissed and I…all our friends were dead, and we were there, in the corridor, kissing. It thrilled me…and our colleagues had died a couple of hours before. It felt –'

'Like we did something wrong?'

'It felt disgraceful,' he said honestly. 'Well, it did that night. And then we went out for dinner and made love and we were lying in bed and I was happy…but what right do either of us have to that? How could we just go on like that…as though nothing had happened…'

'It was a bit soon,' she agreed quietly, glad they were finally discussing what was really bothering him. 'It was great, but it wasn't the best idea for either of us.'

'And I offered to the take the fall for everything,' he sighed, shaking his head. 'I don't have a self-sacrificing bone in my body but we were in that holding room and I just told you to play dumb so you could get off…and so everything would fall to me. What possessed me to do something so insane?'

Their eyes met for a moment, and he found tears to mirror his own. He cleared his throat quickly, shoving his emotion away.

'I almost destroyed my life,' he told her, 'and it would've been for you. Making those kinds of ridiculous gestures…that's why these relationships are a bad idea. They drive you to do stupid things. Crazy things.'

He trailed off, scratching at his face, his eyes avoiding her.

'So yeah, it hit me that night,' he said, jerking his shoulders defensively. 'Getting the call from Chapelle was a relief, because it meant I could leave you. I didn't want to stay. I couldn't. Not when you seemed fine, when you seemed happy with everything. I felt destroyed…I felt like I couldn't be in the same room with you, with anyone, really. I'm sorry,' he told her quickly, 'but it's true.'

She nodded. She didn't take offense at his words. In fact, she'd felt exactly the same way after George's service, and for the first time felt nothing but grateful for the fact that Tony had disappeared and left her alone.

'And this field thing,' he muttered. 'You go off and get yourself a promotion where you'll become field certified. What am I meant to do with that, huh? Say "congratulations"? Ask you about training? Like I said, I had nothing to worry about before you...'

She suddenly pushed her chair out and got to her feet, Tony's eyes following her every move. He stood too, watching her warily.

'When George's condition was worsening,' she said, her voice businesslike, 'I went up to this office to speak to him. While I was there, I told him how sorry I was for what was happening to him. He brushed my sympathy aside, of course, and he told me some interesting things instead. Did you know he once wanted to be a teacher?'

Tony frowned deeply.

'No,' he said.

'Neither did I,' she informed him. 'And he chose instead to work for the government because it offered him more money. Not a lot more, of course, but enough for him to turn away from what he wanted. He had regrets, and he'd made mistakes, but he was dying and he wanted to urge me to do one thing. He told me to find something that made me happy.'

Michelle took her bag from where she'd left it on the ground and slung it over her shoulder.

'I left his office and I asked you out the next chance I got,' she said. She gave him just enough time to process her admission before continuing on. 'This job might wear us down each day…but I want us to be able to build each other back up at night. I want to do this with you, not without you, and certainly not alone. That's all I really wanted to tell you tonight. I'm not going to keep trying to make you see sense, and I'm not going to wait forever. It's…well, it's up to you.'

She turned from him then and made to leave. He rounded the table in an instant and caught her. Feeling his hand shoot out to wrap around her wrist startled her. Feeling him spin her round and press her hard against the door electrified her, and feeling his lips greet hers with enough force to bruise them caused her to tremble in his arms.

'"Find something that makes you happy?"' he muttered into her mouth, looking shocked and touched and distressed all at once. 'He said that? And you asked me out?'

She only had time to nod her confirmation before he kissed her once more. She let his lips roughly devour hers; let his tongue in to sweep around her mouth, tasting her greedily. She let his hands creep up to hold her face and let his body surge against her, pinning her inescapably between himself and the door. Her heart thudded furiously against him as he kissed her, and she moaned softly, needing to feel him again after so long apart…but then, that was his fault. It was his decision to leave her hanging…to leave her missing him…

'Don't,' she said quickly, tugging her lips from his and pushing him away with all her strength. He didn't move, holding her firmly, his lips moving against her cheek. 'Don't, Tony. I can't…you can't do this if you're just going to hurt me again…'

He exhaled at her words, at the quiet sob caught in her throat, and felt his heart deflate in his chest. He couldn't watch her like this, couldn't see the wounds he'd inflicted etched across her face. He loved her, had always loved her. Didn't she know he only wanted to protect her? To protect himself? To keep them both safe? Didn't she know how it would destroy him if anything ever happened to her? He ignored her hands as they shoved at his chest, and he kissed her deeply once more. Happy…together they could be happy…

'I'm sorry,' he broke away suddenly to mumble into her cheek, holding her tight, his voice thick and his breath hot on her skin. 'Michelle I'm…baby, I'm so sorry.'

He said it again and again as he kissed her, and she slowly started to respond, sliding her fingers into his hair and holding him close.

'I can't lose you like we lost everyone else,' he told her, his voice a desperately honest whisper, the sentence punctuated with kisses to her top lip. 'But I can't lose you this way either.'

'What are you saying?' she asked, frustration in her voice as she licked the taste of him from her lips, her body already aching for him. 'You want to do this with me too?'

He nodded, his gaze dark, his face deeply remorseful, full of raw and unrestrained emotion. 'I've always wanted this. I…I can't fight this anymore. I don't want to. Please baby,' he implored her fearfully, 'please be mine.'

He rumbled the request into her neck, where he'd been capturing bits of her skin in his mouth and sucking gently. 'I hurt you. I know. I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry. Forgive me. Forgive me, Michelle.'

He watched her, his eyes zipping across her face, searching for a sign, something – anything – to indicate that he hadn't ruined the thing he wanted most in the world.

'You're gonna be paying for this for a long time to come,' she eventually murmured.

He felt the world stop spinning around him and they came together and kissed longingly, hands tangled in each other's hair, sealing the moment tenderly. Michelle felt him breathe shakily against her, as though he'd finally let go of his doubts and qualms and succumbed to what felt like the most obvious thing in the world. They were meant to be together.

He hugged her tightly and she felt all his need in his embrace, all his desire in his kiss, all his love for her in his words.

'You can't leave me again,' she mumbled angrily, her own fears erupting, kissing his face as he kissed hers. 'You can't hurt me like that. I…I want you. I love you.'

His hands tightened on her waist, his thumbs under her top, stroking her flesh gently. He kissed her mouth and her nose and her eyes, adoring each and every tiny part of her. She sighed against him, revelling in him, all over her, covering her completely. He didn't want to fight against them anymore, and she'd stopped fighting long ago.

'Six weeks without you,' she told him, her lips nipping at his chin, tears stinging her eyes. 'I needed to know you were okay. You can't run off on me. You can't disappear and not tell me.'

Again he apologised, his voice urgently sincere, repeating the sentiment in varying ways as he ravaged her collarbone. No matter how many times he said to her, he knew it would never be enough.

'I know,' he told her. 'Never again. I…give me another chance. Give me another chance, baby.'

He pulled back to look deep into her eyes, and she gazed back at him.

'I missed you,' she breathed, her fingers grazing his neck. 'I couldn't stop thinking about you. But I hated you too.'

He nodded.

'I know,' he said, his voice tortured as he nibbling her jaw.

'Don't ever make me feel that way again,' she said warningly. She felt his hold on her strengthen.

'No,' he said, their foreheads touching tenderly. 'I only want to make you feel good. You have to know that. I want you to be safe. I want to give you the things you want.'

'So do it.'

'Huh?'

'Give me what I want. Tonight. Now. Show me I can trust you. I've...Tony, I've missed you.'

'I miss you so much, sweetheart. Every day,' he told her, his hands running up and down her arms as he dropped soft kisses upon her shoulder. 'It was killing me. I haven't been happy without you. I haven't been anything without you.'

They kissed ferociously, their lips wrestling, their tongues duelling heatedly.

'You've got to stop hounding me about field training,' she urged him, breaking away, feeling overcome. 'I'm doing it no matter what. You have to be alright with that.'

He pressed harder against her, his fingers digging into her hips.

'I'll never be alright with it,' he told her harshly. 'Don't ever expect me to be alright with it.'

She held his face between her hands, their eyes meeting. She kissed him tenderly.

'I know,' she murmured against his lips. 'I know. No one's ever worried about me the way you do.'

'No one's ever loved you the way I do,' he told her, as though this the most obvious thing in the world

She stared at him for a very long time.

'You're right,' she finally said, her hands on his chest, gripping him to her. 'You love me enough to give me crazy ultimatums, and make me dinner even when you don't want to, and go prison for me. And no one's ever loved you like I do.'

'Yeah?' he asked her, biting lightly at her thumb as it passed over his lips, feeling shocked at the joy coursing through him at her words.

'Mmhmm,' she told him, moving her leg between his, feeling him straining through his jeans, already so hard for her. 'You have to let me talk to you about it, alright? I want to tell you about this stuff. I want to tell you everything.'

He struggled with himself for a moment.

'No, Michelle.'

She jerked her head back when he tried to seize her lips again, looking at him threateningly.

'Fine,' he spat, looking annoyed. 'Fine! But…but I'm not gonna like it.'

'I know,' she purred, fingers running through his hair. 'I don't care though. In fact, that might make it more fun.'

He gave her a grumpy half smile, and kissed her gently.

'I know what I did was bad, Michelle,' he said seriously. 'I shouldn't have left you.'

'No, you shouldn't have,' she agreed. He held her closer.

'I kissed you,' he said. 'For what that's worth, I kissed you before I went. You kinda shoved me away and mumbled something.'

'Cry me a river,' she taunted, though she felt warmed by his confession. He gripped her chin between his fingers.

'Don't leave me tonight,' he asked her. 'I have no right to ask, but…stay. Please.'

'Changed your tune, I see,' she mocked him.

'Stay,' he simply urged her. 'Hell, stay forever. Please.'

He thumbed at a single tear as it made its escape down her cheek. He kissed the moisture away.

'If you make it worth my while, then perhaps,' she told him.

He raked his eyes over her as she leaned back, her face sensual and suddenly flirty.

'I'm gonna make it worth your while for as long as you let me,' he breathed into her hair. She wrapped her arms around his neck. 'I love you.'

'I know,' she told him, gasping slightly when he picked her up in his arms and took her to his bedroom. 'I love you so much.'

Her blood boiled in her veins and her chest expanded and contracted with each heavy breath as he held her. God, she wanted him. She could feel it in every inch of her body. His eyes had gone all dark, just the way she loved, and he was gazing at her as though she was dessert – something sweet and delicious for him to consume. He tugged the tie from her hair and watched her curls bounce out, free and beautiful. He slowly stripped her of her clothes, garment by agonising garment, and then allowed her to drag his shirt from his body. Together they wrestled his jeans from him, and his boxers, and stood together, entirely naked and cuddling innocently until he gave her a searing needy kiss and placed her up on his set of drawers, their faces level. She couldn't resist a glance down to admire him, standing at attention, thick and beautiful. Just for her. He caught her face in his hands and brought it back to meet his.

'All in good time,' he murmured.

'No,' she disagreed. 'We're not going slow tonight. I…I want you too much for that.'

He appraised her for a long moment, his fingers caressing her jaw.

'Okay,' he said, almost afraid of how insane things might be if they really let go. 'Alright.'

He watched her eyelids close as he assaulted her neck with his lips, and felt her hands claw at his chest, moaning in a way that made him instantly swell in size.

'Say it, baby,' he urged her, sensing her need and ignoring his own. 'Say it and you can have it. Anything.'

She sucked in a breath, and he kissed her face over and over again until she spoke.

'Your fingers,' she whispered throatily, her voice strained as her perfect hands caressed his skin and flicked over his nipples. 'I want…I want your fingers inside me.'

He pressed his hand to her core, snaking through her arousal, and he listened to her groan as he inserted two fingers within her. She jerked against him, impaled on him, and he bit at her lips, curling his fingers against her soft wet walls as he did. She bucked and he held her firm, his thumb free to come up and become reacquainted with the place he knew would drive her crazy. He pumped his fingers and swirled around her nub and kissed her fiercely, loving the feel of her hands gripping him, digging desperately into his skin as he brought her closer to orgasm.

'You gonna come, Michelle?' he coaxed her. 'You know you blush right before you come? Look at me baby…let me see you…'

His words seemed to drive her to the edge, and a final curl of his fingers seemed to throw her over it. She yelled his name again and again, doing as he asked and looking at him until she collapsed in his arms, trembling in his embrace.

'Good, baby,' he praised her affectionately while her rasping breaths subsided, as though she'd done something wonderful. 'Did that feel good? You want more? Hey? You gotta tell me.'

'Tony,' she murmured, lifting her head. He caught sight of her bright eyes and her flushed cheeks and kissed her, unable to control himself. She slid off the drawers, her legs shaky, and he held her tightly.

'What, baby?' he asked her. 'What do you want?'

'Shhh,' she said, taking his hand and drawing him to his bed. She pushed him down against his pillows, and he watched her, delighted with her desire to take control. She took his length between her hands and worked them up and down, meeting his eyes as she did. He flung his head back and breathed in deeply, unable to watch for fear that it might cause him to explode. Then, the sensation changed drastically – and for the better – and he looked down to find her curls spilling out across his thighs and abdomen, and to see her gorgeous lips wrapped around him.

Automatically, his hand went out to touch her face as she pleasured him, her tongue swirling playfully, and the other burrowed into her hair.

'Michelle,' he said coarsely, his stomach tense, his legs rigid. 'Fuck, baby, you can't…you…'

'Mmm?' she asked him, too busy tasting him to form real words.

'This…this is dangerous,' he croaked, his fingers tickling her neck. He heard her giggle, and felt himself fall from the hollow warmth of her mouth. Suddenly, she was astride him, her hands on his chest to steady herself, her breasts in full view.

'You could've had all this,' she teased him gently, taking him, still wet from her lips, in her hand and lowering herself down around him. He groaned urgently at the feel and sight of himself buried inside her, and his hands went up to cup her breasts, his fingers toying with her taut nipples. 'You could've had it all weeks ago…months ago really…'

'Michelle,' he strained against her. 'This…this is not what I had in mind…I wanted to make it up to you…wanted to – to…

'To be in control?' she whispered, seated snugly around him, tight and hot and wet. She licked her lips. 'I want to show you that I love you…I want to make you aware of what you almost lost…'

She smiled devilishly at him, and he felt like he'd been concussed.

'Michelle,' he mumbled, holding her hips tightly. She started to move, and his head pressed back against the pillows. 'You gonna ride me, huh baby?' He asked her, trying to thrust against her torturous movements. He felt her squeeze around him, and he nearly lost control.

'Christ Michelle,' he snarled at her, holding her tight. 'Don't do that.'

'What?' she asked breathlessly, looking confused – though he knew better. 'This?'

She contracted around him again, and he almost whimpered.

'Come here,' he growled, fearing she might go for a third time. 'And for christ's sake, stop being…stop being…'

'Naughty?' she asked him, laughing as he flipped them so he could hunker down over her. 'I've wanted to be naughty with you for a very long time. You've been off being protective and surly and silly…and I've just wanted to be naughty with you…'

He glared down at her, feeling stunned by her sexiness.

'You're bad,' he told her, picking up a intense rhythm and loving the way her mouth parted with pleasure as he did. She held his neck in one hand and raked her nails down his roughened face with the other. 'You're bad for me.'

'How can that be so?' she asked curiously. 'When this feels this good?'

She squeezed around him once more and he let a very primal groan rip from his throat, subsequently letting go of his self-restraint and hammering wildly into her. She moaned into his chest, frantically bringing her hips up to meet his, whispering his name into his skin and holding him dearly.

'You close, Michelle?' he asked her closed eyes huskily. He kissed her forehead several times, unable to do any more without changing the angle - the angle he knew she loved. 'You gonna come for me again? Are you?'

He stroked her thigh, and brought his hand up to tend to her breasts teasingly, caressing one after the other, plucking at her nipples.

'I don't wanna be alone in this,' he told her, increasing his pace. She moaned wildly beneath him, her fingernails leaving marks on his arms. 'Don't wanna be without you for any of it, baby.'

Her fingers come down between them and he felt undone watching her caress herself. This sight was too much for him. Far, far too much, and he finally sunk himself as deep as he could within her, coming furiously, filling her up with his warmth, hardly able to move or breathe as he did. He felt her explode into completion around him, her body seizing in his arms, her muscles tugging feverishly at him as she did.

He fell against her, kissing any and every available patch of skin, and she held him with limp limbs, murmuring unintelligible words of love and lust and tenderness into his ear.

He told her over and over how he loved her, and she repeated it back when she found the strength, kissing him softly, her lips roving against him. Finally, he moved down her body and nuzzled his face between her breasts, wrapping his arms around her waist and lying against her, delirious and exhausted and so very glad she'd barged into his home.

Several minutes passed in silence, and all they could hear was the sound of each other's sated and deeply satisfied breathing. Michelle drew her fingers gently through his hair, soothing him, trying to tell him that it was alright…that everything was going to be alright…that she loved him.

'You're beautiful,' he murmured tiredly sometime later, his lips tickling her skin as they moved. 'I know I've never told you…but you're so beautiful.'

'You didn't think so at first,' she mumbled, her hands caressing his back. He propped his chin up between her breasts, looking at her.

'How'd you know that, huh?'

She gave a small shrug.

'You used to look at my hair…like it wasn't right…like it wasn't normal. That's why I didn't want to show you.'

'Michelle,' he said, crawling up to look down into her face. She gazed back at him, her eyes bright. 'I've never been more attracted to a woman in my whole life…I just didn't understand it…and your hair…baby, your hair is perfect.'

She grinned up at him, and he kissed her cheek fleetingly.

'I know,' she said, and she giggled softly when his hands delved into her curls. He kissed several ringlets, and then kissed her deeply. 'I'm glad you came to your senses.'

He knew she meant her statement in more ways than one, and he pecked her lips once more before starting a slow descent down her body. She squirmed beneath him, and he chuckled before running his tongue over her navel.

'So am I, baby,' he told her, fully intent on making it up to her now, tomorrow and every day to come. 'So am I.'


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