… Guess who's back?
Hanakuro: YES we're back to kill your brains and clutter up page one of the MTNN section! But we really suck for being this late. Sumimasen! It was all my fault! I haven't been helping much with the other chapters, so I wrote this one on my own! (No really, we're not dead yet!)
Akashia-chan: It's true.
Hanakuro:… thank you. And just something I have to say… this chapter isn't related to anything in the previous chapters. It makes no sense, and has little or no logic. It doesn't actually have Akashia-chan or I in it, because I think we normally just talk too much about ourselves. So you get all the canon characters!
(Akashia-chan: I've only said two words here… THIS ISN'T NORMAL!!
Hanakuro: That's 'cause I'm writing it. Normally you talk too much.)
DISCLAIMER: If we were Yuusei Matsui, this story would be updated every week instead of once every four months. Well, not anymore since the series is long since over, but... (you get it now I hope)
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Almost all of Japan had been going through the same heat wave.
Even Hokkaido had warmed up a bit for the summer, the temperatures rising to over their normal 22 degrees Celsius.
Sure, it was nice for the first few weeks after school was out. Yes, the beach was always a great place to go suntan, the ice cream shops were always open and busy, and your solar-powered calculator never ran out of energy. (Not that it's particularly useful, right after school ends.)
But, when your air conditioner breaks, your tap water runs warm, your fridge and freezer stop refrigerating and freezing, your best friend decides to take a vacation in Hawaii, and your evil, slave-driving, merciless 'boss' decides to make you work during the summer, things can start to go downhill a bit.
And guess who discovered this the hard way?
--
I'm going to solve all of these problems eventually. I just hope I do this before school starts again in the fall.
If my sink, fridge, and AC all had to break, they could have at least done it at the same time so that I wouldn't have to call in the same repairs guy three times to tell me that none of them could be fixed.
At least if Kanae were here, I could have stayed at her place until I could find a store where air conditioners weren't out of stock.
I know that self-pity isn't a very good thing for anyone, but of course there's the last bit. Neuro. All summer. Depriving me of sleep and regular mealtimes so that he could eat.
Feel sorry for me now?
Right now, I'm being dragged along by my head to go investigate yet another murder. If people could just stop dying, commiting suicide, and killing people long enough for me to live, for a little, I'd be so grateful to the world.
"Ah, is that you, Miss Detective?" The bright voice seemed to come from an approaching building. She sounded almost like a bird. A really loud bird, dressed in what seemed to be a dress made entirely of bottle caps. Did we always have to get the weird clients?
"Yes, Sensei is here to help you with your case~!"
Yes, 'Sensei' is here to daydream, be tortured while you aren't looking, and be useless in general. Actually, I'd rather just work at McDonalds and actually be paid, thank you very much.
And so, our investigation begins. The client's house was enormous. Once you got past the tiny front door, it seemed to be a mansion disguised as a run down shack. There were servants running around, and expensive-looking sculptures and art on every available surface. I could only imagine what type of food these types of people could afford… entire buffets prepared by world-class chefs every night, French cuisine, peeled grapes, wine served in jeweled cups… my daydreams are cut short by a clawed and very intimidating hand around my head. Of course.
I follow Neuro to the 'scene of the crime,' past many double doors and through many confusing hallways. Ten minutes later, we finally reach our destination. I swear, if there's a fire, there's no way I'm getting out of this place alive. But, assuming that I can find the kitchen, I can at least have a good last meal.
(The boring part will end soon, I promise!!)
As Neuro studies the room, the bottle cap lady hands me some photos.
"These are pictures we took before the bodies were carried away. Thank you, dear."
The photos are mainly just of the numerous hacked-up bodies lying on the ground. Everywhere. The other pictures are of what the victims looked like prior to being completely unrecognizable. Oh lovely.
So, with Neuro busy and nothing better to do, I started to daydream a bit.
I feel sorry for whoever took those photos. I mean, the bodies were chopped up, and there was blood EVERYWHERE. I may be used to it now, but I don't think most people are. On the other hand, there were people who took pictures of naked people… pornographers… who in the right mind would take pictures of people without pants on?
…
"Yako, tell our client that we're almost done here."
He looked at the photos, and suddenly turned into 'happy neuro' as the bottle cap lady walked by.
"Sensei~ so what have you learned from those photos~?"
Hmm… if those people who take lingerie shots are technically taking pictures of people without pants on, does that make them pornographers too? But on the other hand, those pictures are published in magazines and ads… and they're not as creepy…
"YAKO"
Speaking of creepy. Neuro was talking to me. I was supposed to be answering something. Photos? Something about photos?
"Oh, uh… these head shots of the victims… uh…"
Think, Yako, THINK!! I at least need something to say, even if it doesn't help…
"Since they're only head shots, you can't really tell what colour pants they're wearing can you? I mean, you can't see if they were 'shorts people' or 'jeans people'. Or maybe they weren't even wearing pants!"
I think Neuro's looking at me weird. Maybe a little caught off guard by my random babble about pants. Well, I'm in the middle of talking, so what he thinks doesn't matter.
"I mean, in all the photos we see, we can never tell if the person in the photo was wearing pants or not! I know that if I can't see something, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. But still! You can't see below their waist, so you can never tell! There should be a rule that all photos should be taken so that you can see below the waist. We should know if the people in the photos are wearing pants or not!"
Is Neuro still staring at me in disbelief? I bet he is…
"Oh, but then even if you can see someone's pants, you don't know if they're wearing underwear! You can never tell that even if it's not in a photo! Well, making a rule that everyone has to be able to see if someone's wearing underwear is weird. Then everyone would be walking around with their pants pulled halfway down… that is, if they ARE in fact wearing pants. I hope they're wearing one of the two. There's already a rule that people can't walk around without either, so I guess that we won't be seeing any nudists in or out of photos…PANTS!"
I really should have stopped talking a loooong time ago. If my watch is right… I've been talking about pants for at least five minutes.
I have been talking about PANTS to NEURO for FIVE MINUTES….
"Sensei… are you okay?"
Wait, is Neuro actually concerned for my well-being right now? Or is this just 'nice Neuro?' Nice Neuro would normally still be beating me up right now… But wait…
"You're acting a little…"
He must be trying to trick me! To make me think he cares!! I'll show him! I know about your little 'plan'. IT'S ALL A CONSPIRACY!! Conspiiiiiiiiraaaaaacyyyyyyy……
"If I've actually destroyed what little brains you had…"
No, he must want to gain my trust, then stab me in the back as soon as this case is over.
No! If I die now, then my air conditioner will never be fixed! Or my sink! My Mom will come home to a terribly broken house and a dead daughter! Oh my god… my Tamagotchi will die in a few days if I'm killed now! And Kanae was the only one who knew how to put it on pause! I hope my Mom will put my Tamagotchi's lifeless shell in my grave next to me… and some food.
"Or is this just your own stupidity saying all that?"
Or, does Neuro know how to take care of Tamagotchis? I bet there were things similar to Tamagotchis in hell. Maybe the souls of all the bad Tamagotchis I've let die are in hell right now!! I'm sorry Pocchi! I didn't want to! It's just… you were never nice to me!! You woke me up at 3:30 am every Sunday! When I forgot about you, just for a minute, you were beeping constantly and distracting my mother from her failed cooking attempts! Maybe since you only ate good food, you were disgusted by my mom's cooking! Just seeing it?
"Yako, if you don't respond right now, I'm going to hurt you…"
But I thought Tamagotchis were just electronic pets that had no real emotion or opinion… Pocchi couldn't have had an opinion on my mom's fail-cooking! Was Pocchi a real living thing? Did I murder my poor innocent baby? I'm a bad Mommy! Bad!
Smack! I suddenly found myself hanging upside down from the chandelier on the ceiling… crap. Once again, I have no clue what he said, and no clue how to answer. So I guess I really am going to die… my last words! I need my last words to be spoken!
"If I die now, please take good care of my Tamagotchi, name the next one Pocchi, don't involve him in your conspiracies. Don't kill him, stab him in the back, or let him get up at 3:30 am on Sundays to watch concerts streaming online! Feed him good food, and never let him see my Mom's cooking! I was a bad mommy… Don't be a bad mommy Neuro!! DON'T BE A BAD MOMMY!!!"
--
I wake up… I'm being hit in the head repeatedly… very hard. With a metal pipe.
"Neuro, why are you hitting me?"
"I'm testing for a reaction! If I hit you hard enough, I was sure you'd wake up! And it worked!"
… well, at least I woke up. Guessing from how stupid I was acting, me fainting, and the general spazziness I've been having… Either Neuro hit me one too many times on the head, or the heat's got to me.
I think it's both… Although, I really doubt the metal pipe to the head is helping much.
Let's see… escape plan so I can go home and put some ice on my head and sleep… oh yeah, that's right. My freezer isn't working. No freezer=no ice. Just wonderful.
So I guess there's only one thing left to do now…
I wonder what it would be like if all of my problems were fixed now? Would everything be boring? Wait, does Kanae not being here count as a problem? It would be bad if she were magically brought back home because the magic fairies thought I'd be happier without her leaving. Wait, what magical fairies? Oh well. If the magical fairies were able to get rid of Neuro, then I'd be free to do whatever I wanted, and take any job I wanted too! And all the creepy stalker people would go away, and I could make normal friends!
The fairies… Fairies? Like those ones flying around my head? Aww… come here fairies! I'm gonna name you Pocchi, and you're Puuchi, you're Ponchi, and you're… uh, Mochi! Mochi! I want mochi right now… mochi ice cream…..
(This paragraph could go on for pages and pages, but I've decided to end it here to spare whatever sanity you may have left after reading this.)
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Akashia-chan: THAT MADE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!!
Hanakuro: I know, didn't it? It was kinda boring in the beginning, so… I decided to make it more interesting!
Yako: Why… was I talking about all those things?
Hanakuro: Come on, Yako, this is fanfiction. I could have had you join a circus and go off to Peru on a flying camel if I wanted to write about that. But, seeing as I know nothing about circuses, Peru, or flying camels… I wrote this instead.
Yako:... That's nice. Hanakuro and Akashia-chan promise to update soon… or, sooner than before.
PANTS!
(Hanakuro: I think this is the fastest I've ever written ANYTHING... I was inspired.... by the pants.)
