Chapter 27
Trouble pt.3

"Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough,

just a second, we're not broken, just bent,

and we can learn to love again..."

Pink- Just Give me a Reason

Disclaimer: I don't own GG
Background: takes place in the episode where Lorelai is gone for the weekend and Rory eats in her house with Jess and Paris, which is when Dean comes, Jess leaves and they start fighting. All starts going down after that.
Warning: Some chapters may be really triggering.

Author's note: To everyone following this and wondering why I haven't written in close to 2 months(or at least a long, long time...) I am sorry. This is extremely hard story to write. Sometimes it comes out of me in many chapters one after another, and sometimes I can't write another word. In the past weeks I've sat down to write numerous times, and it felt impossible each time. There are times when writing about this is just impossible, inconceivable. So I am doing it whenever I can, as best as I can. I hope you guys enjoy it anyway. :)

"Repercussions"

1.
Rory and Lorelai sat at the kitchen table, which somehow seemed to be their place for more serious talks(and of course, the proper dinner place was in the living room with a good movie). Rory's mind was still reeling back in the memory she got when they rehearsed.

Every second while Tristan had talked to her, she had pushed back the memory, and now she was actively continuing to do so. Sensations were shooting through her, memories of that moment. The lack of air, the strength of his arm on her mouth. And now Lorelai wanted to talk about school, and Rory wanted to be there, to be active participant in that conversation, but she struggled. The lack of air and that feeling like her chest would implode, the black stars in her vision from the panic and the lack of air, and his weight pressing over her... School, she tried again, her mom wanted to talk about school.

"They told you." said Rory, looking at how serious her mom is.
"Yes. The question is, why didn't you? You love studying, I just don't understand..."
Suddenly, despite knowing who she was talking to, knowing that her mom knows what happened, still felt deeply ashamed. She had allowed this to happen, and now she was in this hell, and every time she made a step forward, something worse happened as a result. And she just could not find a way to care about it, to care about school and university and all that.

She had allowed...she had stopped fighting, that night, she stopped fighting, and that knowledge was imprinted in everything about her after that night, even before she remembered. Every second the memory was in her made her feel sick, and she let her mind detach from it, float above it, stop feeling, because it was too much to feel. It was simply this feeling of detachment- she didn't want to disappoint her mom, or Jess, or anybody else, but she just couldn't feel a need to do any of those things, grades and university, and normal daily things. It was like she knew what she needed to do, just had nothing in her to give to anything, or anyone. At least that's how it felt.
"Rory, I know you're going through something, but this is your dream. If you don't do in school, then you won't go to Harvard."

Rory shrugged. "I know."

"Rory?" The lack of interest in her daughters voice was even more scary than her being upset. She looked like she was sleepwalking, pale, detached, uncaring, with her eyes glossy like she was looking at something else, in another place.

"I'm doing the best I can mom, okay. Just tell me what my punishment is"

"This isn't about punishment, I just don't want you to let everything else falls through the cracks because of this one thing."

"I'm allowed to be upset. I'm allowed to get distracted or change my mind or be in pain and feel like I feel."

The tone in her voice was suddenly hypersensitive, and Lorelai frowned a bit, trying to grasp what was happening.

"Of course you can feel the way you feel darling. But this is why I'm here, not to let you fall apart when things are hard."

"This is not about you, mom."

"I know it's not."

"Can we just move on to the punishment part? I really don't feel like talking."

Lorelai sighed. It took a lot out of her to nod and agree, when she would give everything to just know what her daughter was feeling exactly.

"No punishment, exactly. But, the school did suspend you for a week, although you still need to get your assignments done...can you do that."

"Yes. God. Mom! I don't go out the door thinking, I'll skip something today, that's not how it works."

"How does it work?"

"Can we move on please?" The lack of air and the blackness exploding...No thinking. No thinking. No...

"Okay. No punishment, but I need you to take a step forward."

"Meaning?"

"Go to the doctor, get checked out. We can also find you counselor, or support group. You don't have to talk to me, but you need to talk to someone."

Rory looked at the ground for a while, feeling the tears gather in her throat.

"Mom?"

"Yes?"

"I really don't mean to do those things, I just don't know how to do this, I don't...I feel so...out of my depth. So far from who I was. I want to talk to you, I just can't...I don't know how...I'm sorry mom. This is the hardest thing I ever had to do"

Lorelai said nothing, looking at her daughter for a moment. Then she circled the table and hugged her tightly. "I love you kid, more than anything in the world, nothing changes that. We'll figure this out."

2.

"Complications"

It was dinner time, but Rory was anything but hungry. That day was one of those that make your head spin so much you feel like you're crashing from one thing into another. The group in class, the volleyball game, telling Tristan, the rehearsal, trying to mend things with Paris, the memory, the talk with her mom. She had to get out for a bit, so she convinced her mom to let her go see Jess. Lorelai was wondering if it was a good idea, but it was the first time in few days that her daughter expressed any real interest in doing anything, so she let her go.

When Rory entered the diner, the first thing she saw was Jess, chatting over the counter with his ex-girlfriend, or whoever that blonde was. She was sure if they'd exactly had a relationship or if it was a fling. Either way, they seemed much too comfortable and close right now. Something stung her at the thought. She stood there frozen, looking at them.

"Mmm...I love this, what is it?" the girl was tasting something, really slowly and sensually. Rory had no doubt it was something tasty, but she also thought the girl was overdoing it a little. Every move and sound she made seemed calculated to attract Jess' attention more. And it seemed to be working.

He smiled with his mischievous, slightly crooked smile.

"Double chocolate brownie with walnut and cherry filling. If you really like it, you should come with me this weekend, there is this food festival..."

Now Rory forgot all control. She had never acted like this before, but suddenly she felt highly irrational.

"Oh please, you don't even like festivals. Or gatherings with people, of any kind. You think they are lame..."

Now both the blonde and Jess turned to her, startled.

"It's none of your business what he likes. Who are you anyway?" said the blonde, looking at her like Rory was below her attention.

"Nobody. I'm nobody."

Rory spun around on her heels and marched out of the diner as fast as she could. Jess ran out after her, and she heard, but it only made her speed up more.

"Rory. Rory! Wait! What are you doing?"

She turned towards him, the wind blowing her hair from behind. She hugged herself tightly, and looked at the ground, suddenly feeling a little ashamed, and still way, way too angry.

"Nothing. I'm doing nothing. Don't you have important things to talk about with that girl?"

"Rory, you came in the diner. You came to see me, talk."

"What is there to talk about, clearly you're doing just fine without me?"

Jess laughed now. "Are you...jealous."

"Stop it. It's not funny."

Now he got serious. "You're right, it isn't."

She waited for a second, but he wasn't saying anything more. "So is that it Jess, are we done? Is that how long your interest span is? We kissed once and now we're done and you're all over that girl doing things you don't like? I thought we moved passed that."

"That's not fair, Rory. I've been there for you, every step of the way, and you treat me like I don't exist. You come when you need me and then you're gone for weeks."

"Jess, you know..."

"I do, I do know. It's complicated. You're hurt, you're in pain, you don't know what you feel or what to do. I get it."

"But..."

"But you can't force someone into recovery, or a relationship. And we aren't even together, not really. We had one date that I wasn't even allowed to call that, because I don't want you to freak out. We had one kiss and than you disappeared again."

"That's not fair. This is the hardest thing that..."

"Rory, stop."

She stopped talking feeling the tears welling up in her. It was not the first time she felt guilty for that night, but it was the first time she felt guilty for taking time to recover.

"I don't want to make you feel bad."

"Well, aren't you doing a great job out of that..."

"Just listen, please. I know you're going through something unbearable. Nobody should have to go through it, but it does happen. And I get it. I can't even imagine how bad it really is."

"No, you can't."

"And so I'm there for you. And I will continue being, as your friend. But when it comes to the rest, I can't Rory. I can not be the person waiting for you on the sidelines when you decide I exist. You're treating me like cr*p and I'm sorry you're in pain, but it's not fair. I'm a person too. And I never even do relationships. You're it for me, you're the only one I ever...You eclipse things. You're incredible and you don't even see it. And you're making relationships seems like something worth it. But I can not lose you again and again, and wonder if you'll come back every time. I can not tip toe around you, wondering if every move I make will make you run for the hills. And I don't talk about feelings, ever. But you're it for me."

"Jess..."

"Let me finish. I want you Rory, I want to be with you, I want to talk with you about the universe, and brownies, and the next book you're going to read, and travelling. I want to go on dates, and pick you up, and go to lame things just to see you smile, because I know you love them. I want to kiss you and be with you in every possible way, and no, I would never force anything out of you. I want you to want me in the same way. But you're not in a place where you can do that, and I get it. So I can be your friend, and I can be there for you...but you can't expect me to be in a relationship where you're constantly leaving me, before we have even had a chance to be something."

She stood there saying nothing for a moment. The wind was blowing the smell of her honey and lavender shampoo in his nose, sweet and untouchable. For a first time since they met, he was talking a lot, and she was the one barely saying anything. It was the first time since what happened with Dean when she realized she still had impact on something, someone. That she may have felt like a ghost, but she still had the power to hurt people, and she had hurt Jess. It was an awful thought, and it made her feel awake. It made her want to do things differently.

"I like you."

"That's not enough."

"I want to be with you." She was present again, fully present, and she hated that she'd ever let what they had slip through her fingers.

"That's not enough either. I told you..."

"Yes you want to be friends. That kiss wasn't a friend kiss Jess."

"Rory, I said what I needed to say..."

"And I didn't. I want us to have a chance Jess, and real chance. I know it often doesn't seem like it..."

"Never. It never does. I know it's a cruel thing to say, Rory, but this is the truth. You're constantly making me feel like I'm forcing this out of you. I can't keep doing it."

She flinched at the word "forced", but this was too important and she tried to keep herself present.

"Okay. OKay. You're right. But I do, I want this, I want you, us. Jess, please, give me one more chance. Give us one more chance."

"I can't do that. Not if you won't give yourself a chance. I can't fight for the both of us Rory."

"What does that mean?"

He didn't say anything, and the silence hung in between them, heavy with implications.

"What does that mean, Jess?"

"You don't even seem like you want to move on, to recover, let alone be in a relationship. You're fighting every step towards healing."

"I'm doing the best that I can."

"I know you are. But may be it's not the right time for you to try being with anyone. May be healing will have to take priority over other things. That has to be okay."

"It's not okay."

"But it is what it is, though."

"No. Please, Jess."

"I watch you leave all the time."

"I won't, I promise. I'll be better."

He was quiet.

"You can't promise that."

"Jess! Please!"

"I need to know that you want this Rory. That you want to live, not just the being with me part. You scare me sometimes, you really scare me. That detached look that you have sometimes, I know where that look goes, and I can't watch you go down that road too."

There was more behind what he said, there was a story, but that wasn't the moment for her to ask. It felt like a low blow, more so because it was the truth and she tried to see his view point as well. His voice sounded scared for her and it made her see his point a little more.

"Jess- I want to live. I don't know how, but I promise you I will do everything I can to move on. That's that. Now please, would you come on a date with me next week? A real date? I'll dress up and everything."

He stood silent for a moment, and her heart skipped a beat. Then he smiled with his crooked, warm smile that she knew so well, and she felt relief and joy. Her Jess was still there. There was still hope. She smiled at him, fully, happily, her big blue eyes filled with anticipation, with knowing he really saw her, wanted her, just as she was.

"Well, when you say it like that, who am I to say no?"

"So you will...?"

"Yes, crazy. Date it is. But you asked me, so you have to pick me up."

"Stop mocking me"

"Who said I'm mocking you? I like flowers, by the way. Lillies."

"Jess!"

"Hey, you asked me out."

"Yeah, I know." She smiled widely, and leaned in for a gentle kiss, still trying to regain her confidence. The kiss was soft, short and sweet. After that, she turned to go home.

"And Jess."

"Yeah?"

"Get rid of the blonde, please, unless you want a murder on your hands"

"Yes, m'am."

His eyes flickered with mischievous thoughts. "I'm not jealous, Jess, just get rid of her"

"See you at our date, then"

"Yup. I'll call you with the details as soon as I can"

"OKay"

"Okay"

None of them was moving, both of them smiling widely. "I'm not kissing you again, Jess."

"I didn't think you were."

"Then stop looking at me like I'm tasty..."

"Well, if the shoe fits..."

"Fine."

"Fine, what?"

She stepped in, and pressed his lips against his, passionately this time. It was liberating, feeling in control again for a moment. As she walked towards her house, the big, goofy smile stayed at her face.

3.

"Reality stings"

About 3 streets away from her house, the memories caught up with her, and overshadowed her happiness. She started involuntarily trembling, suddenly too cold to face the repercussions of the last 24h.

He was right. Nothing in what she had been doing so far- may be other than telling her mom- suggested that she wanted to move on. That she wanted to even keep breathing. It scared her too, more than she wanted to admit it. More than that horrible night, the lack of desire to even wake up some mornings, was terrifying. This was the hardest things she'd have to do, figuring out how to move forward from this, and she needed all her energy and more...and she felt like she usually had nothing to give to it. It was a scary thing to think even, let alone say out loud.

The scariest part of it was admitting- to herself or her mom- that she didn't know how to manage this on her own.

She didn't want to trust anyone that deeply, ever again. Especially doctors or counselors she barely knows. But at this point she had to admit to herself that she didn't know how to manage this. And for a first time in weeks, she saw for a moment how it can feel if she moved on. What she could have.

She took a deep breath until it hurt her chest, and went inside her house. Her mom was on the couch, reading, and, she thought, probably waiting for her.

"Hey, honey. Did you have a good time?" Lorelai was trying to hide it, but there was worry in her voice. Rory had been too much in her own pain to notice it before, but now she saw it way too clearly. That stung too, but Rory was determined this time. I can be strong. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

"Mom, I'm ready."

"For what?"

"The check up. The counselor. I'll do it. I'm going to try to do this. I want to move through this. I don't know how, but I want to try."

Lorelai said nothing at first, but got up and hugged her tightly, filled with love and relief. Her brave, strong daughter.

"I'm so proud of you. You're so strong!" She whispered in her hair, and Rory wanted to cry. She felt anything but, but she had people caring for her, she felt that now. She had to really try this time. So she let the hug fill her with warmth, and let the worry for what was about to happen slip away for later time.