Right. So... sometimes, I can be quite silly. Those of you reading Capes and Capers will already be aware of this.
The following chapter does contain some very silly moments. Once the idea for this chapter popped into my head, I really couldn't ignore it. I hope you like it.
Chapter Twenty Nine: Dude Looks Like A Lady
Naomi
I froze with shock as Cook's words sank in. I felt numb, unable to think of what to do next. I had known of course, that this would happen – ever since Justin discovered our secret. I knew that it was the only likely outcome, but I hadn't allowed myself to really think about it. I had hoped blindly for some miraculous way out, but none had materialized.
"I thought you said Justin had given you time to think about it?" Asked Emily, the same panic that I felt was evident in her voice. I simply shrugged. Justin had originally given me the option to go back to him in exchange for keeping my secret. Not that he made the offer in quite so blunt a manner, but I knew what it amounted to. And I hadn't believed a word of it. Justin doesn't want me here in Vegas – he wants me back in England playing the doting wife. This was his real plan all along: destroy what I've created here, in the belief that I will fall back into my old ways and turn to him for rescue.
"Naomi! Naomi!" Cook's tinny, far-away voice from the other end of the receiver reminded me that we hadn't even finished our phone call.
"Tell Katie what's going on" I told Emily. I pointed in the vague direction of her mobile while I picked the receiver back up. "What the fuck do we do now?" I asked Cook in desperation.
"I don't know. We need to get together so we can decide what's next." We quickly arranged to meet down in the theatre.
As I hung up the phone, I turned to Emily who was still talking to her sister.
"We're having a meeting down in the theatre" I said. "One of you can come, but the other one will have to sit tight and wait until we figure something out." Emily nodded and relayed the message to Katie. The decision was quickly made: Katie naturally insisted that she should be the one to attend, and Emily didn't argue.
As I prepared to leave the room, I pecked Emily lightly on the lips.
"Don't open the door once I'm gone. Don't answer the phone, stay out of sight, don't have the TV on loud…"
"I know" she said firmly. "I'll stay here quietly until you contact me." I nodded. "Are there really fifty of them out there?" She asked. I shook my head – that figure had been a gross exaggeration. I gave her one last kiss, and braced myself for what was to come. I opened the door just wide enough, then slipped out into the hallway. Immediately, two photographers and a reporter were in my face asking questions about the twins. I pushed my way past them, and kept on along the corridor.
"Any ideas?" Asked Cook, a hopeful look on his face. We had assembled together in the empty theatre. The others had confirmed that reporters were camped outside of their doors, too. They had clearly discovered which rooms we were staying in, but since they were all registered in my name, they had no way of knowing who was in each room.
"What's the point" I grumbled, unable to match Cook's optimism. "The secret that our show was based on is out. Even if the papers don't get their proof, people will still know the truth when they see the show. Freddie's put the idea in their heads now."
"You're wrong!" Snapped Katie, fiercely.
"Katie, we can't keep the two of you a secret anymore…"
Katie shook her head firmly.
"No, I mean you're wrong that that's the basis of the show. You were putting together a show long before you met me and Emily. You two have worked so hard on this show, and you can't just give it up because of one secret coming out!"
"She's right" said Cook with a nod. "That's just one bit of the whole show. We've worked too fucking hard to throw all that effort away now."
I gave a small smile to Katie.
"You and Emily have worked hard too, though. The show has been a success because of all of us." Katie waved her hand dismissively.
"Yeah, we're all fucking awesome" she muttered in a bored tone. "But can we leave the big love in until after we've saved the show?" I was spared from answering by the sound of the theatre doors behind us opening. Although access to the theatre during the day was strictly limited, I still leapt up in panic that it might be some reporters. I relaxed when I saw Mr Tomone and Panda walking towards us – but my anxiety increased when I remembered that he must be here about our secret coming out. I immediately went on the defensive.
"Mr Tomone! We know that the papers have gotten hold of the story of the twins. We're already working on an alternative finale. We'll need to close the show for a couple of nights…" I fell quiet as Mr Tomone held up a silencing hand.
"You will do no such thing" he said with a calm authority. "There's something you should all see." Without waiting to see that we were following, he walked back the way he had arrived. The rest of us tailed after him, exchanging curious glances.
Mr Tomone led us to the main entrance of the theatre. He pointed across the casino floor to the box office desks located a short distance away. A queue of people stood waiting in line, despite the fact that the box office wasn't open for another couple of hours. I gasped as I realised that the queue was already very long.
"They are all waiting to buy tickets for your show. It seems that McLair's little stunt may have backfired."
"But they're all…" I checked myself as I realised that it would be unwise to hold our discussions where there was a big risk of being overheard. "Let's go somewhere quieter" I muttered. Once safely back within the confines of the theatre, I voiced my original line of thought. "Those people are only coming in the hope of finding out if we are using twins in the show."
"So let's give them what they want!" Declared Cook with excitement. "You said it yourself, Naomikins: we can't keep it a secret anymore now, so let's reveal it to everyone in a spectacular way!" Katie beamed at him, and Mr Tomone nodded his head approvingly. Cook continued. "We shouldn't change the end of the show. We'll do everything the same right up to the point where Katie appears at the back of the room. The audience is sat there all smug at that point, thinking 'that must be the twin'. Meanwhile, we've sneaked Emily off somewhere else. Everyone thinks that the show's over, but then we reveal Emily in some spectacular way – while Katie is still in full view."
I nodded thoughtfully as I mulled through Cook's suggestion. It had an 'if you can't beat them' quality to it that I certainly appreciated. Everyone would be expecting us to ignore the recent speculations about the show. The last thing anyone would anticipate would be for us to show off the secret ourselves. But since we couldn't use the secret anymore no matter what we did, it made sense to reveal it all in our own way. And at least in the short term, it would make us the most talked about show on The Strip.
"We've got to get to work" I muttered, feeling a renewal of energy flowing through my body. Tonight was our dark night – which meant that we had about 34 hours until our next show.
"That sounds like quite a plan" said Mr Tomone with a grin. He turned to leave, but then looked back at us over his shoulder. "Should I tell the box-office to increase the price of any remaining tickets for the next few nights?" Cook clapped his hands firmly together.
"Tell them to double them!" He declared. My own thoughts would have been more moderate, but Mr Tomone was clearly in agreement with Cook, and left without any argument. For once I was glad that we had 'four-walled' the theatre – it meant that any additional profits would come directly to us.
"How do we get Emily down here unseen to start rehearsing the new ending?" I asked, suddenly spotting the one flaw in our plan. In order for it to remain a surprise, we had to keep Emily away from the photographers that were prowling about.
"Sounds like you need a disguise" answered Panda, who had lingered back instead of leaving with Mr Tomone. I shook my head.
"A disguise worked before!" Argued Katie.
"But they're looking for twins now" I pointed out. "Those reporters will be scrutinizing anyone who leaves any of our rooms." We all lapsed into a despondent silence.
Eventually, it was broken by Katie.
"But if there was some way that we could…" her face was scrunched up in concentration. Then suddenly, she chuckled. "Yeah, that might work." She walked over to Panda. "We're going to need a wig."
"Katie, a disguise won't work!" She silenced me with an imperious flick of her hand, but kept her attention firmly on Panda.
"I need you to find a one that's as close to my hair as possible" she instructed. "Also, we'll need you to…" Katie paused, and scrutinised Panda from head to toe with a keen interest. I watched her with mounting curiosity – especially when her eyes seemed to linger on Panda's chest. "Too big" she murmured, seemingly to herself. Then she fell silent, apparently stumped. It didn't last long though, and soon the light of someone with a brilliant idea shone in her eyes. She brought out her phone and dialled a number. Whoever she was calling seemed to take forever in answering – causing Katie to swear several times in annoyance. Finally, the call was connected. "James, get yourself down to the theatre now" she snapped, without any pleasantries. Her brother's answer caused her to snort derisively. "You're with a 'fit bird'? I don't think so! You spent the night alone, and you were just about to go in the shower for an early morning wank!" I winced at the harshness of her words. If we needed her brother to do us a favour, was that really the way to gain his assistance? But clearly Katie was accustomed to getting her brother to do what she needed. "There's fifty quid in it for you" she told him. "And I won't tell mum where the underwear section of her Freeman's catalogue went all those years ago." The call ended shortly after that exchange, apparently with a promise from James that he would join us soon.
"This isn't going to work" I muttered for about the fifth time of the morning. I looked back and forth between the two petite red-heads that were stood in front of me. They were dressed very similarly, in animal-print blouses, pencil skirts and high-heels, but you could see at a glance that they were not identical. For a start, Katie was a good few inches shorter. Though the height difference was the least of my concerns, considering that the other red-head was in fact Katie's brother, James. He was dressed up in a set of Katie's clothes, and sported a face full of expertly applied make-up.
"It'll work" said Katie, firmly. "You and James – dressed as me – walk past the photographers into Emily's room. Then Emily changes into the clothes James is wearing, and the two of you walk out the room. The reporters will think that the same two people are coming out of the room that just went into it."
"In theory" I said, with a roll of my eyes. "But James doesn't exactly look like you, does he?" Katie cast an appraising glance over her be-dragged brother.
"I think it'll be close enough" she muttered, thoughtfully. "James can wear some sunglasses, and keep his face buried in a magazine. If you keep moving, then they won't have chance to notice." I sighed and shook my head. I couldn't really believe that I was agreeing to this madness.
"I'm actually feeling pretty good like this" said James, twisting this way and that to see himself better in the full-length mirror of Katie's dressing room. "I feel… comfortable. Now I understand what Shania Twain was singing about." Katie was frowning at her brother.
"James, I think you need a bit more padding in that bra. You're boobs aren't quite big enough."
"They look the right size to me" answered Cook, flatly. Katie threw him a dirty glare, which he just ignored. "But Naomikins is the expert." He turned towards me. "You've had hold of the originals – are they big enough?"
"She has not!" Growled Katie, indignantly.
"Well I meant Emily's" said Cook. "What do you think, Naomi?" Not keen to get into a debate about the size of my girlfriend's cleavage, I decided to stop this particular train of conversation before it went any further.
"It doesn't exactly matter – we're hardly going to stop in front of the reporters and let them measure vital statistics, are we?" The others shook their heads sheepishly. "Good thing too, or they might notice that he's about three inches taller!"
"Oh, the heels will cover that" said Katie with a shrug. "We're lucky that he's not any taller. It's a good thing that he took all that ADHD medicine as a kid – it stunted his growth."
At the mention of heels, my eyes were drawn downwards. James kept stroking his hand gently against his bare legs, and I suddenly realised why.
"You've shaved your legs?" I asked in disbelief. "That's why you took so long getting ready?" I turned to Katie. "Why didn't you just put him in dark tights?" Katie rolled her eyes.
"He laddered four pairs trying to get them on."
"How you women manage them, I'll never know" stated James. He began to move towards the door before staggering wildly in Katie's unfamiliar heels. "Fuck!" He gasped, as he steadied himself. "Eddie Izzard makes that look so easy!" His sister watched him with resignation.
"I'm going to have to teach you how to walk in heels" she told him.
"Katie, this isn't My Fair Lady!" I snapped, my patience finally deserting me. "We don't have time to teach him how to walk in heels, or show him how to put tights on, or give him fucking elocution lessons!"
"Yeah, we'll just tell them that I'm having a woman's period" added James with a grin. I shook my head in disbelief. If James thinks that women really speak like that, then he is never going to lose his virginity.
"Don't you dare say a word in front of those reporters" I growled at him. James mimed zipping his lips shut. "Time is getting on. Can we please just get moving?"
"Wait!" Said Katie suddenly. She reached for her handbag. Fuck, now what - more lipstick? But Katie simply pulled out her phone from the bag. "I've got to get a shot of this" she laughed, raising her mobile to take a photo of James. Instead of arguing, he struck a pouting, glamour-model type of pose. Katie quickly took a snap. Since no-one seemed to have anything further to add, we finally agreed to get going. James put on a large pair of sunglasses, and picked up a magazine. He hooked his arm awkwardly through mine to steady himself as he walked. I picked up the bag with his regular clothes in, and we left Katie's dressing room.
"Since I look like your girlfriend right now…" asked James in a tone that told me I wasn't going to like what was coming. "Can I finally get a shag from you? It's not really cheating, if I look like Emily."
"Not if you were the last female impersonator on the planet" I cheerfully informed him.
As we reached the entrance to the theatre, I spotted none other than Jenna Fitch making her way towards us. I felt my whole body tensing in anticipation. She already thought that I had corrupted her youngest daughter – how on earth was this going to look? She drew to a halt in front of us, and gave me her usual filthy look.
"Katie, have you seen James?" As she turned her gaze towards her son, a look of recognition flashed in her eyes. It was instantly replaced by a look of abject horror. Her jaw literally fell open in shock as she stared at James.
"Hi Mum" he grinned, as though nothing were out of the ordinary. For a moment, Jenna stood stupefied in front of us. Then she span around and ran swiftly from the theatre, as though the place were marked with the sign of the plague. James watched her go with a considered look on his face. I held my breath, worrying in case he was about to suggest going after her. I really needn't have worried. "Mum can even run in heels" he muttered with appreciation.
"Come on." I dragged him over towards the lifts. The sooner we got this over with, the better.
My anxiety increased the moment we were on the floor of our rooms. 'This isn't going to work' chanted a voice in my head, over and over again. It was like a mantra to me as we made our way along the corridor towards Emily's room. Fortunately, James played his part admirably. He kept his head deep inside his magazine, not making eye-contact with anyone. We pushed our way through the questioning journalists towards the right door. I shoved the key-card in the lock, opened the door, and shoved James unceremoniously through it, crashing in to the room after him.
Emily jumped up in surprise from the bed as we burst in. Her eyes nearly popped out of her head when she took in the state of her brother, but she was able to at least keep her reaction quiet. As swiftly as possible, we filled her in on the plan. Without any embarrassment, James began to cast off Katie's clothes so that Emily could put them on. She chuckled as James stepped out of the shoes.
"You even painted your toenails?" She asked. I looked down and saw that James had shocking-pink nails.
"I was just getting into character" he answered with a grin. When the two of them started to giggle, I found myself chuckling along with them. Now that we seem to have gotten away with Katie's insane plan, I was feeling slightly more relaxed.
"Come on, lets go" I said to Emily one she was changed. "Stay here for at least an hour after we've gone" I instructed James as an extra precaution. I didn't want those reporters putting our plan together too quickly and chasing after us. James didn't seem bothered by my restrictions.
"That's fine. I think I'll have a long soak in the bath, then I might just treat myself to a manicure." I couldn't shake the feeling that James wasn't joking.
The remainder of the plan passed by without a hitch. Emily and I breezed past the unsuspecting reporters, chuckling slightly to ourselves at their stupidity. Then we made our way down to the theatre to join the others.
"Right everyone" I said with authority. "We've got a lot of work to do before tomorrow night."
For those of you wondering about Capes And Capers: yes, I do still have every intention of finishing it. I've been a bit stuck with it lately - and rather busy with my own business, too - but I will be going back to it very soon.
