Okay, so this one is going to be a bit different. I did not want to leave you with a filler chapter; I try not to do that, it's not my thing. If I had ended 29 where I planned to end it, it would be… boring.
And I don't do boring.
So, I combined 29&30, which means there'll be a bit more for you to read, but plenty of things will happen in this one. And the next one is a BIG one. So, hold your horses. I'll update soon.
As always, let me know what you think. I hope you enjoy it :)
"You are not listening," Gendry tells me, shaking his head. "You are holding that thing as if you are holding on for dear life. Loosen the grip."
"Gendry, it's a sword," I tell him, feeling the anger boiling in me. "If I am using it, chances are that I am holding on for dear life!"
Gendry rolls his eyes at me and I hear Jon chuckle behind us, from where he was sitting on the ground, leaned on a tree. I turn around to frown at him; I do not appreciate him laughing at me when I am trying to learn how to handle a sword properly.
"Are my failed attempts at sword fighting that amusing?" I ask.
"No. The two of you are," Jon smirks. "You are fighting like siblings."
"That's because she asks for my help and then when I offer it, she refuses to listen," Gendry tells him. This time, I am the one who rolls her eyes. "Loosen the grip, Sophia."
"He's right," Jon jumps in. "You are holding it with a lot of force."
"I'm a girl," I sigh, throwing my free hand up in the air. "If I don't hold it with all the strength I have, I'm going to drop it and then I'm going to follow it down."
"You need to find the middle ground." Jon tells me.
"Alright, if you are such a good swordsman yourself, why don't you show me how to do it?" I suggest.
"I am fairly certain my brother would not appreciate me teaching his Queen how to swordfight."
"Who's to say your brother will ever find out?" I raise my eyebrow. It worked; Jon gets up and walks over to us, getting his own sword ready. Gods be damned, I forgot I would be going up against valyrian steel. I just cannot stop making stupid decisions, can I?
To my surprise, Jon does not hold back. I cannot say if he could have stopped himself if I was not fast enough to react; it did not appear to be that way. Luckily for the both of us, I managed to stop his sword just in time with my own; the force of the impact almost threw the sword out of my hand.
By pure luck, I guess the side which Jon would attack and I block him again. Then, Jon speeds up. He hits, I block. Hit and block, hit and block, hit and block, until I realized that I was stepping away from him, going backwards for my own protection. I wanted to look behind, to see if there is any room for me to escape or anything on the ground that I might trip on, but I could not afford to do so, not with Jon hitting every other second. I could not look around and fight back at the same time.
I knew how it was going to end even before it happened. Luckily for me, I hit a tree; if I fell down, I might have hurt myself with my own sword. With my back against a tree and Jon's sword pointed directly at my chest, I suddenly become very aware of the danger I was in.
"You've proved your point," I snap at him, acting surprisingly brave for someone who has an incredibly sharp sword pointed directly at her heart. In his defense, this was what I wanted. Somehow, I imagined it to go differently; I expected a lesson, not him showing his dominance and my lack of skill. It caught me by surprise, and in all honesty, it left me a little bit insulted. "Are you going to put that sword down or are you going to finish me off?"
It was obvious that Jon didn't realize he took it too far, not until it was too late. His look of confusion changed when he realized what my words meant. In seconds, he looked apologetic.
"I'm sorry," He tells me. Well, at least he has no problem with apologizing. "I should have warned you, but this is the only way you will ever learn. No one would ever dare put you in danger while training you. That is why Queens don't train to sword fight." He tells me.
"What about Kings?" I ask him; while I understand his explanation and accept his apology, I am angry. Not at him as I am at his sex. "Are you telling me than while you trained with him, you did not dare put Robb in danger? Are you telling me that no one ever put a proper fight, because he was the heir and Gods forbid something happened to him?"
"That is different," Jon shakes his head at me. "You cannot compare the two."
"Yes, I can," I fight back. "And it is different only because men make it different. You said it yourself; I'm never going to learn unless someone actually puts up a proper fight. So why not put up a proper fight?"
"I just did that," Jon replies, looking irritated. "I did that just now and you wanted to strangle me."
"Oh please, I did not want to strangle you," I roll my eyes, annoyed by his argument. "You caught me off guard, that's all. I would have appreciated the warning."
"At the battlefield, you won't get a warning," Jon shakes his head at me, looking down as if he was looking at a stupid little girl. "You never get a warning."
"It matters not, because I will never be allowed to go to the battlefield, will I?!"
"If you were a decent fighter, maybe you would be."
"Alright, maybe the two of you should…" Gendry starts, only to stop mid-sentence when he saw the glare I directed his way. "I'm going to shut up now." He sighs, taking a step back, away from us.
"Thank you for your help, Jon. It is much appreciated," I say as I throw my sword on the ground, completely aware that I was too old and too mature to throw a childlike tantrum.
Still, I do just that. I throw my sword and I march away from him, ignoring the worried look Gendry sent my way as I walked into the woods on the side of the road. If I am going to be angry, I wish to be angry on my own. We won't be leaving anytime soon, and if we do leave, I am positive that they would not leave me behind. Well, at least Gendry wouldn't.
I was angry and Jon was the drop that made the water in the glass overflow. I was angry long before he made me angry. He shouldn't have said the thinks he did but I should have reacted in a different way. I should have stayed calm and collected. It would not have gotten out of control if I kept my control.
This is not how it was supposed to be. For the love of Gods, he's my husband's brother! We were supposed to get along, or at the very least, be civil around one another. It was all going so well too! It started of great and now… We were not supposed to end up fighting each other, with a sword pointed to my heart. Even if he had no attention of stabbing me with it, he shouldn't have done that.
And I should have been more… calmer. More regal about it. If there ever was a moment for me to act like a Queen, it was this one now. And I did the exact opposite.
I wasn't alone for very long; I heard footsteps and I was not surprised to find Gendry, and not Jon. Jon never would have come up to me, not this soon. After all, I did not want him to.
No, it was Gendry, the humble smith that became my friend in a very unexpected turn of events.
With his demeanor, he reminded me so much of Matthos. Although, not enough to make me look at him the same way I looked at Ser Davos's son; Matthos was my first love and Gendry? Gendry is a friend. Like the brother I never even knew I wanted.
"Well, that got a bit out of control, didn't it?" He asks and I scoff as he sits down on the ground next to me. Sitting on the ice cold ground without a cloak beneath our backsides was not smart.
"That's a nice way to say it," I sigh, shaking my head. "I'm sorry about that. You never should have seen it."
"Ah, don't worry about me," He smiles. "I've seen worse."
"It was idiotic," I grunt; I imagine I look like a sulky brat. "Why did I even ask him to help me? Why did I even take that sword in the first place?"
"Because that is what you do," Gendry shrugs. The way he says it makes it sounds as if that is a solid explanation for everything. "Cersei Lannister sits on her bottom. She plays the mind game. Most Queens do. You, on the other hand, are the type of Queen that will grab a sword and try to wield it."
"Try being the most important part," I sigh. I ignore Gendry when he laughs. "Perhaps there is a reason Queens do not do such things. Perhaps they do not do it because they might end up with a sword pointed to their heart. Especially if it's pointed at them by their husband's brother."
"There's nothing wrong with trying and deciding that it is not right for you," Gendry suggests. "It wouldn't even be a mistake. We cannot all do everything."
"I don't think you understand, Gendry," I smile. I knew it was one of those sad smiles of mine, I knew it by the way Gendry's smile fell down when he saw the look on my face. "I cannot afford it. If Robb dies, which he very well might, my Father might follow. And if they die… How am I expected to lead an army of men that don't even know who I am, or what I can do? I need to learn. I need to learn how to hold a sword because that might be my only option. This isn't some childhood wish of mine, to be one of the boys. It's necessary." I explain. I cannot quite put it to words. Not appropriate words, at least.
"Sophia, you cannot do everything," Gendry repeats. "You can negotiate and that is good. That is necessary. More than sword fighting."
"Can I negotiate?" I ask. "Can I really? Yes, I got Jon out, but at what price? You've seen him just now; if he doesn't hate me for it, he'll hate me soon enough. I might have promised more than we could give. I have added another thousand mouths to the ones we already have to feed. When he sent me to Winterfell, Robb told me to do two things. One was to get Jon and the other one was to control the spending. And what do I do? Does that make me a good negotiator? I think not."
"Which expectations are you trying to fulfill?" Gendry asks. "Yours or your husbands?"
"Both, Gendry. Both." I admit. "And so far, I have not fulfilled anything, not a single expectation."
"You are being too hard on yourself and you know it."
"I have to be like that, Gendry," I tell him. "If I am not like that, I cannot do what is expected of me. If I am not hard on myself, if I do not do all that I possibly can, I will lose sense of reality. Days of playing games on the beach are gone, Gendry. I cannot afford to be a child any longer. If that means I have to deal with hatred, so be it. After all, I am sure Jon will not be the only one that despises me once all of this is over." I admit.
Kings and Queens are loved. Loved and respected. And hated. Hated beyond belief. It matters not what Gendry says. I know what I must do. I have to awake the Baratheon side of me. I need to become more like my father. Men like Father survive wars and earn respect. I must do the same, as a woman, as a Queen, as a Baratheon and more than anything, as his daughter.
"Will you tell Robb about this?" Gendry asks me sheepishly.
"No," I shake my head, not even stopping to consider the possibility. "My husband is at war. The last thing he needs is to fight my battles."
I will bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut. I will not complain, not to anyone. I will become what I always needed to become.
I will be my father's daughter. That is the only way that I could survive this.
Left foot forward, slash to the neck. Left foot back and block the hit. He takes two steps forward, which means he will strike low; I block another hit and purposely change the direction of my hit.
Gendry was lucky he had good reflexes. He jumped backwards right on time.
"You're getting better," He smiles, impressed. I shrug, pretending as if this was nothing of importance. "A couple of more days and you'll kill me."
"Never," I smile at him. "Unless you piss me off." I add, earning a nod from him; he was impressed. A few days in his company and I set my tongue free. It is reserved for training, however. Once I let the sword down, the fun is over.
"Focus on your feet," Jon speaks up, causing both Gendry and I to look up in surprise. He looks at me. "Your right knee bends when you take a step back. Keep it locked." He tells me.
"Thank you." I reply, as soon as I remind myself that he is a good person to take advice from, at least when it comes to sword fighting. In the few moments when Robb spoke to me about him, especially when he was trying to explain what kind of person I will have to convince to join us, he was never shy of complimenting his brother. He even went as far to say that he was better with a sword than him.
We did not speak much, over the last two days. Our journey was a silent one, with only Gendry having the courage to try and start a conversation, with either one of us.
The two of them got along quite well. I could officially call Gendry a friend. The best one I've had in years, in all honesty. Jon and I? We exchanged only a few words.
At least both of us kept our swords and tongues down. We both put that incident aside as we kept up with our journey to Winterfell. I only have a few days to build over that bridge, even if the first one was week to begin with.
When we get to Winterfell, I need to have Jon on my side just as much as he needs me on mine. Catelyn will be there and I know that by now she knows where I went, and what I went to do.
I cannot see her welcoming the both of us with her arms open wide.
I need to be a diplomat, now more than ever. I need to be a Queen. Whether she and Jon experience a conflict or not, I need to be ready to make them be at peace with each other. I cannot do that if Jon will not even look me in the eye. I cannot do that if Catelyn has reasons to try and make me think that doing this was a bad idea.
If he does not listen to me, it will be useless. If she points out that the man hates me, it will all be useless.
Before we reach the gates of Winterfell, I need to have Jon on my side. I might not want him there, but I need him there. We gave this man the power. He might not betray Robb, but if Robb was to die, who's to say that he won't betray me? I need him on my side. It is no longer a choice.
"How long?" I ask.
"Two days, if we keep our sleep short," Jon tells me, knowing what I wanted to know. "Do you plan on keeping our sleep short?"
"Oh yes," I smile. "We'll sleep in warm beds when we get home."
"Home?" Jon asks me. I pretend as if he said nothing. "Days ago, when we first met, Winterfell was Winterfell. Now you call it home?" He asks me. I should not be surprised he noticed this. Even I caught myself saying or thinking the same thing. It happened without me knowing it. I cannot say what caused the change, but it was about time. Winterfell has been my home for weeks. I should call it that.
"I take my vows seriously, Jon," I tell him, adding a small smile, hoping that will soften my words. I am not pretending; I simply need to remind myself to be kinder. "And I have the utmost respect for your brother. His home is my home. That is what I promised."
"You miss him, don't you?"
Gods damn it, people that do not even know me well can read me like an open book.
"He is your brother, Jon," I shake my head. "Whatever I tell you, whatever words I speak, how can I know that your brother will not hear them as well?"
"You do not want your husband to know you miss him?" He asks, smiling. Good, improvement.
"I do not put my emotions into words. Not lightly, at least," I explain. "Robb was… a stranger. I suppose that now he is a friend. When he should be a husband. I should cry myself to sleep every night, feeling pain in my chest because of his absence. I do not. I do not want him to know that I miss him, not until I miss him properly." I admit.
Why am I saying this? This will in no way benefit the relationship Jon and I have. This is not important to anyone but myself! And I cannot close my mouth and shut up.
"I'm sorry," Jon speaks up and I look at him in surprise. "For what happened the other day."
"I'm sorry as well," I admit after a few seconds of silence. I do not know what caused him to apologize all of the sudden but I will not complain. "We were both caught in a moment of weakness. I think my anger that day had nothing to do with you. Nor did you say anything untrue."
"Neither did you," He tells me. "I have been thinking over what made me say what I said. I recognize two things." He tells me.
"Better tell me now, before Gendry comes back from his… little break." I joke. Gods be good, he laughed! It happened again!
"One is obvious and it is Robb," He tells me, shaking his head. "He would kick me all the way back to the Wall if he knew I put his wife in danger in any way."
Would he really? I could see him doing that for the love of his life, but for a wife he barely knows? No, I doubt it. I wonder if Jon knows about Talisa. He did not know about our marriage, but perhaps Robb said something to him, perhaps they were sending letters to each other before? As much as I would like to ask him about that, I cannot.
What if he does not know? What if he has no idea that his brother fell madly in love, and I reveal Robb's biggest secret? To his brother, yes, but a secret nonetheless. I say nothing, no matter how much I wanted to.
"I have my doubts about that, but you know him better than I do."
"Robb has honor," He tells me. And now I am absolutely sure that he knows nothing about his brother and what his brother did. For one, he wanted to marry Talisa. I did not need to hear it from him in those words. I knew it from the way he described their connection. He held onto his honor when he parted ways with her, so that he could marry a Fray girl. Which is an oath he broke so that he could marry me. Not because he was madly enough, but because our offer was better. Robb might just be the most honorable man I have ever met, but he is far from perfect. "He would protect you with his life."
"Again, you know him better than I do," I say, not wanting to openly disagree. As I pointed out before, anything I say might end up in Robb's ear. I do not want Robb to believe I have a low opinion of him. I do not; I am just aware that he is not perfect. "What would be the other reason?" I ask.
"You reminded me of someone," he tells me. I turn to look at him; he looks directly in front of him, avoiding my eyes. "She was a fighter. A good one, at that."
"What happened to her?" I ask, knowing that he was not talking about someone who was still alive.
"I am not sure," Jon admits, finally turning to look at me. I could see sadness in his eyes. I am yet to see happiness there, but the sadness was more prominent now. "She might be dead, she might be alive. If she is dead, she died in battle and if she is alive, she is in danger at all times. Seeing you… trying so hard to learn, trying to prepare yourself for the possibility of a battle… it reminded me of her and her bravery. I did not want to see her like that and I know Robb wouldn't want to see you like that." He tells me.
"Because I am a woman? Because she is a woman?" I ask.
"Because you could die."
One thing is clear to me from his words. However this woman is, or was, she had Jon's heart.
Was she at Winterfell? That is the first thought I had, and that could explain why Jon would agree to come back. Then again, I imagine Robb would know about that. If he knew about that, he would let me know, so that I could use it as an argument while convincing Jon to join our side. Also, he did not describe a little lady or a regular handmaiden. He described a warrior.
I've seen the dismay in Ser Rodrick's eyes when I asked him to teach me how to wield a sword. I've seen just how much he was against it, even if he ultimately agreed to do it. There was no warrior girl in Winterfell. Unless he was talking about Arya?
She is his sister and he loves her. Robb told me how she would spend her days in dirt, changing needle and thread with a bow and arrow. And we do not know where she is. She could be alive, she could be dead. On paper, it sounded like Arya. In Jon's eyes, I did not see a brotherly love.
"Who was she?" I ask him.
Why would he share anything with me? Why do I even feel the need to ask?
"I'll tell you about her one day," Jon smiles at me. "All I will say now is that I broke my vows even before you knocked on the gate and asked me to break them again."
I do not need to ask to know what he meant.
"Do you still want to return?" I ask him. "Jon, I had one task and one task alone and that was to try to bring you to Robb, to try to convince you to join us. Obviously, I still need that to happen. But Jon, if you want to change your mind, turn your back and return, now is the time to do it." I tell him.
After I confirmed to Robb that I have managed to convince his brother to follow me, I cannot imagine how I would explain Jon's sudden change of heart. I would take the blame, even if I have a difficult time imagining Robb being openly angry at me.
That would be a change, since he has always been kind. Whatever reception might await me, I would receive it. But if Jon needs to do this, he needs to do this now. I cannot have him becoming Lord of Winterfell and then deciding to leave it all for a woman. If he wants to follow his heart and not his honor, now is the time to do it.
"I made my choice," He shakes his head at me. "I will stand behind it. That book is closed."
I did not know what to say, and Gendry's reappearance could not have been better timed.
"Right then! Ready to go?" He asks cheerfully, completely unaware of the heart to heart conversation Jon and I shared. That is for the best, without a doubt. This was for not meant for any ears other than mine.
"Ready when you are." I smile.
I was right when I guessed that the journey back to Winterfell would last less than the one to the Wall. This time around, we had a Northerner on our side. A Northerner who knew where he was going.
I was also right when I predicted that the journey back would be far more comfortable.
I still had plenty of problems to deal with, whether in reality or in my head, but I did not feel the pressure I felt when we went to the Wall. I had one task and it was fulfilled. It was easy for me to take a deep breath and calm myself down, pushing back the worry about Catelyn and her welcome.
With Jon and I "burying the hatchet", as Gendry said, I managed to enjoy the company I was in.
My first impressions about Jon were true; he does not say much. Gendry managed to make him smile, even laugh, every now and then, but for the most part, he was quiet. Friendly, but quiet.
And I finally started receiving proper lessons from him. Lessons that did not end with a sword to my chest and a snarky comment from either one of us. He was teaching me and he was equally as good as Ser Rodrick was; perhaps even better. Robb described him as a great swordsman, and that was before he went to the Wall, where he had to train and perfect his skills even more.
In a matter of hours, if not less, I will have to deal with a much bigger problem than improving my skills with steel.
I did not read Robb's letter to Catelyn and for the first time, I started to think that was a mistake. If I had read that, I would know how much she knows and I would know which game to play. Manipulating my mother by marriage was not something I thought I would ever do. Not to mention that Catelyn does not appear to me as someone who is easily manipulated.
She will hate me. She will despise me for what I did and having my husband's mother looking at me in hatred cannot be good for the wellbeing of my already troubled marriage. The only good thing is that my husband is the one that came up with it in the first place; his mother hating me would be his fault.
"Why do the two of you look like you are about to shit bricks?" Gendry asks.
"Gendry, I know we are friends, but language," Jon shakes his head, his face showing a mixture of a smile and a disgusted frown. "You are in the presence of a Queen.
"She does want to be called by her birth name." Gendry shrugs.
"One, she can hear you." I say, twisting my neck to look at the two of them as they bicker behind me. "And yes, I do want you to call me by my name. Normally I would not have a problem with your language, Gendry, but that was bad. That being said, we look like we are shitting bricks because we are shitting bricks." I add, causing the both of them to laugh.
"But… why?" Gendry asks in confusion.
"You are a bastard as well, Gendry," Jon tells him. "Do you know your father?"
"I know… I heard who he might be, but I have never met him." Gendry tells him.
"Well, I knew who my father was," Jon explains. "He brought me to his home, raised me as his bastard son and made his Lady wife watch as I shared everything with his trueborn children. She never missed a moment to remind me of who I was and I doubt she forgot it over time."
"And I am the one bringing him to the door." I sigh.
"With a royal decree that makes me a true Stark and the heir of Winterfell," Jon adds. "Believe me, we have reasons to shit bricks."
"She seemed so kind," Gendry comments. "Lady Catelyn, that is."
"Oh, she is kind," Jon tells him. "She is a kind woman, an honorable one as well. She loves her children with all her heart and there is very little she would not do for her children. That is the problem. I am not her child. I was nothing more than a reminder of her husband's infidelity. Many men have bastards but only Eddard Stark would bring his home and raise him with his heir."
"Lady Catelyn is very dear to my heart," I speak up. "She has been nothing but kind to me and she helped me a lot. As I never had my husband come back from a war with a child in hand and as I fear the same, I cannot say that I understand how it feels. However, a child should not pay for the sins of their parents. We have all paid for it, all three of us. You more than I, of course, but we all have. As much as I understand her pain and betrayal, she did not act justly." I say.
If it was anyone other than Gendry with us, I would imagine that Jon would not enjoy this conversation. But Gendry, being a bastard himself, a bastard that led a much tougher life than the one Jon had, he could relate to what Jon experienced, at least in a way. And I wanted Jon to know I do not support Catelyn's behavior. In fact, I hope never to see or hear anything like that happen, ever again.
I am afraid that I will have to be the one that calms the tension and I do not know how I will do that without taking a side. For obvious reasons, I need to be on Jon's side. If I want the Kingdome to remain safe and to keep what could be a friendship, I need to be on his good side. And if I want my day to day life and my marriage to be as enjoyable as they could be, given the life I am leading, I need to be on Catelyn's good side.
I cannot take sides and yet I need to be on both sides. I'm afraid Robb did not consider this when he entrusted me with making his brother legitimate and taking him back home.
"I am not angry at her," Jon shakes his head. "She is the mother of my brothers and sisters. That is enough for me to… bury the hatchet." He said. It is proven now; Gendry influences us too much.
"Hopefully, so will she. We will find out soon enough." I sigh.
The horn sound that greeted us will be present in my nightmares for a long time. Whoever was on watch noticed the Queen returning, and they greeted us in all the proper ways. That right there was the reason I had to sneak out in the middle of the night.
I knew nothing of Winterfell. Did the people know where I went and what I had to do? Did they think I left in the dead of night with a blacksmith? In all fairness, that is exactly what I did. Although my motives might be different than the ones they imagined I had.
If Catelyn found the letters, and I have no doubt she did, I imagine she would have thought of a way to keep my escape a secret, to a certain extent. Even if she had no particular desire to protect me, she would do so to protect her son. And her son assured me that he will make her see sense.
It all falls down to Robb and whether or not he made his mother realize that she should not kill me.
As the gates open before us, I could feel my heart beating faster, just as it did when I was about to enter Castle Black. It was the same kind of nervousness I felt. I had no escape then and I had no escape now.
As we entered on our horses, I noticed everyone stopping whatever it was they were doing and turning to look at us. They were all looking, but no jaws hit the ground and no eyes went wide, not even when they laid eyes on Jon, a man they all knew well, a man they all recognize.
They must have known. Catelyn must have told them. As the people started bowing and kneeling, I felt relief, realizing that I was not seen as a traitor. And I soon saw the reason why.
Catelyn and Sansa were both standing in the courtyard, waiting for us. Even before I had a chance to dismount my horse, Jon and Sansa were already enveloped in a hug. I could hear Sansa cry and Jon saying words of reassurance, but I could not afford to pay attention to them; I watched Catelyn, who was looking directly at me. Taking a deep breath, I walk toward her.
"You nearly made my heart stop, Sophia," she tells me in a strict voice, once she was close enough; she spoke in a low voice, so that no one else could hear us. "To leave like that, without a warning…"
"Catelyn, I am sorry, "I tell her, shaking my head. I wanted to stand tall and proud and here I am now, all but begging for her forgiveness. "I did it for him. He asked me to do it and he asked me to keep it a secret. He reassured me that he would explain it all to you."
"So he did," Catelyn nods her head. "You are too young and have not been married long enough. A woman's duty might be to listen to her husband, but there is one more duty, a duty we do not speak of. A duty to know when to not listen to their husband's and listen to common sense." She explains. She does not look pleased with me. "I understand. I was angry but I am not angry anymore. You did it for him and you are back and safe. Everything else is… almost irrelevant." She tells me.
"You forgive me?" I ask, feeling a weight fall of my shoulders when she gives me a small smile. In a moment of weakness, I rush and hug the woman. I could cry with relief now.
"He is a Stark now?" Catelyn asks me, whispering in my ear. I nod my head. "So be it." She sighs as she lets me go and walks over to Jon, who only just let go of his little sister.
I was frozen as I watch the two of them exchange looks. I could swear my heart stopped for a moment.
"Lady Catelyn." Jon greets her. He stayed true to his end of the bargain, but that was a bargain he made with me, not with Catelyn. And I had no chance to bargain with Catelyn.
"Jon," Catelyn nods her head. I wait and I watch, praying to all the Gods I could think of; the New Gods, the ones I grew up believing in. The Lord of Fire, the one that was thrown on me, even if I never accepted it. And the Old Gods, the ones I accepted with my marriage. I silently prayed, hoping that the time has come for another hatchet to be buried. "Welcome back." Catelyn tells him. I could hear it in her voice; it was not easy for her to say this. She did so nonetheless and I believe Jon will find it in him to appreciate it. "Welcome back home, Jon Stark."
I am magical. I am absolutely magical. I can make alliances, I can make relationships stronger. I can make two arch enemies bury the hatchet and I can make men break vows.
It's a shame I cannot make my husband feel about me like a husband should.
Who needs love in a marriage when you are a Queen that managed to proclaim a bastard a trueborn, take him out of the Night's Watch without facing any consequences and see him make amends with the one person he never imagined he would make amends with?
I am magical. Just not magical enough, I am afraid.
"Sophia!" I hear a yell and my smile grows. Now it was perfect.
I cannot say how long I stayed in the bath. All I know is that I stayed in it for too long. By the time I finally managed to make myself step out of it, my skin was wrinkled and the water was ice cold.
Once I was out, I wrap myself in a fur cloak I found in one of the drawers. It was Robb's, without a doubt. How poetic is it? Me, wrapping my naked body in his cloak as I sit next to the fire, reading the letters from him that have arrived while I was away.
I was away for one and twenty days. I had thirteen letters waiting for me. I read them all, as fast as I possibly could, taking in each word.
The first ones were filled with reassurance. He told me how he knows I could do it and how he would not send me if he didn't have faith in me. The next ones were filled with a bit of doubt; not in me, as he reassured me with his words repeatedly, but in himself. I could do it, he was sure of it, but was it smart of him to make me do so? By the end, they were apologetic. And the last one?
Sophia,
I will try and put to words what I felt when I read your letter. Should I call it a letter? Really, you only bothered to write one simple sentence. Simple it was, but it carried a lot of meaning.
I don't think I will ever be able to thank you enough. For everything that you did, from the very beginning, but for this especially.
I waited for you to retreat, to try and find a way to save yourself. I waited for you to be quiet, to ignore me. I waited and waited, but it never happened. No matter how much you wanted to, and I know you did, you never closed the door on me.
And now you do this? Now you do the impossible?
How will I ever be able to repay you for that? My actions are pale in comparison. You say I am fighting a war and I am the one doing the work? That may be true, aye. But you are the one that is picking up the pieces and building everything. Looking back at everything that I have done, I can only say that I do not deserve someone as capable as you. I do not deserve you, not after everything you have done.
You have accepted my family as your own. Mother writes me. I know she never informed you of this, but she writes me every day. I know what you have done since you got to Winterfell. I have heard it all, from you overseeing the workers that are rebuilding the walls, down to you playing in snow with your sister and the other children of Winterfell.
I feared the most that you would not consider it a home, and while that might be true, I know you've behaved as if it was the only home you have ever known.
I know you have a way with words and I thought that would be enough when you leave for Castle Black. It was too late by the time I realized that it wasn't. You did not know the land, you did not know the people you were going to speak to and you only had one man to keep you protected. A blacksmith at that, not a warrior.
It was stupid of me to organize it like that and it was an impossible mission. I have already come to terms with you being unsuccessful. Not because of your own capability, but because of my bad planning.
And then you do this. You bring Jon home. You name him a Stark. How long did it take you? A day? Two?
I cannot say if you learned this from your father or if this is something you were born with. I still can't quite accept it as the truth. It sounds like a lie, even if I know it isn't.
Your capability might have exceeded my expectations, but it does not change that what I did was incredibly stupid. I hope you can forgive me. As I already told you, I cannot imagine how I would ever repay you for this. If you know how, by all means, tell me. I would do it this instant.
I hope you are back at Winterfell and reading this in the warmth of your chamber. Or is it mine? I do not know where you are.
Honesty has to be the best thing about you and I need you to be honest. I want you to tell me how Mother greeted Jon. I want you to tell me what you think of Jon and why do you think he agreed to do this. Tell me what you think, Sophia. You have yet to be wrong.
I might be leaving Dragonstone soon, if only for a little while. It is not set in stone yet, but the Lannisters have been traveling towards the Riverlands. I might have to stop them before they go too far North. Not only are we not sure in our next move, but I cannot write it here either, in case someone else gets a hold of this letter and not you.
No matter where I am, your raven will find me. Please, write to me. It has been too long.
The first time you wrote to me since our ways parted, you told me that it must be a bad thing, to start a marriage with an apology. Well, I am continuing that tradition.
Write to me soon,
Robb
My husband either has a very good memory, or he is keeping my letters close to him. I wonder which is the truth. Somehow I cannot imagine Robb reading my words with a foolish grin, memorizing the words I wrote. No, that is not Robb. Then again, can I even be sure of that?
I did not expect to cry. I was surprised when I noticed a tear falling over the letter, smearing the part where he told me that he knew I would be able to do it, before he realized that I wouldn't. I was not crying because I was happy. I was not crying because I was missing him either.
I was crying out of relief, knowing that I have not failed him, not as a husband and not as a King. I was crying because I was proud of myself. Robb and I shared the idea; at first, both of us thought I could do it, and as the plan started being realized, we both came to the conclusion that I was in, way over my head. Then, as we both thought it was over and done with, I actually succeed.
I cry as I finally allow myself to have one single moment of weakness.
Still wearing his cloak, I get up, grab a piece of parchment and a quill and I return to the little place by the fire. With my legs folded beneath me, I sit up and I try to write.
For a long time, no words come out of me. But once they flow starts, it becomes unstoppable.
Robb,
You might be a King and I may be your Queen, but we are still young and stupid. I wish there was no need for me to say that, but it is the truth. In all fairness, I believe that the both of us are doing better than anyone could have imagined we would do, when this war started. Even the best make mistakes, and the two of us are, I'm afraid, far from being the best.
That being said, I was angry at you. If only for a little while. My own doubt, my self-doubt got the best of me and to you is where I directed it. I would not be able to do it, but I knew that from the start, had I not? It was all you, it was all your idea. Had you bothered to get to know me, you would have known that I had no chances of succeeding with this. Gods, I was angry. If you were in the near vicinity, I think you would not be able to recognize the woman you married.
Luckily for both of us, you were far away and my anger tends to fade as fast as it appears. After all, it was successful. When the plan is successful, should one really bother with the rest?
We had no issues on are way there, nor on our way back. Gendry is a capable man. If we were in some kind of trouble, I believe he would be enough to fight it off. And in the return, we had Jon with us. The road was safe both times and we had no troubles.
I had to negotiate, both with Jon and with the Lord Commander. I can tell you know that neither one of them drew a hard bargain, which carries a lot of meaning. For one, Jon misses his family. He did not jump at the chance to leave the Night's Watch, which is understandable. I did not tell him that he is now a Stark, not until I practically already made a deal with the Lord Commander. That is not what made Jon join us, I can assure you. Of course, I am sure he is happy and glad, but he had the same look in his eyes that you had, when I first met you. When you were negotiating with my Father, before you agreed to take me as your wife, I looked at you and I noticed the desire for revenge. It was obvious, it was pouring out of you. And although you and Jon have very different eyes, I could see the same look in his.
Jeor Mormont wasn't as difficult to deal with as I expected him to be. It almost appeared as he knew that someone would come. He was surprised when I asked for Jon's leave, but he agreed to it after I offered what I did. A warning to you. This might be the part where you get angry at me.
I promised him men, once the war is over and you win. I also promised him food. I will send men to the Wall tomorrow morning, to bring food to them. The Night's Watch is only but a shadow of what it used to be, at least in the stories I heard. Jon told me more on our way to Winterfell. They are lacking men and good conditions. I ate their food, Robb. They need more. I realize that having an added cost was not something you were looking forward to, but we cannot turn our backs to them. Not only because of Jon, but because of our duty. If we are to rule North, I want us to rule well.
Having men of the Night's Watch starving, in broken castles with no one to guard them is not something we should allow. Of course, we are at war, and there is only so much we could do at this hour, but once the swords are lowered and once the blood stops pouring, we need to deal with this. I will send them food whenever I think I could afford it. Coin and men will have to wait.
I hope we do not clash at this. I do not wish to be going against you, but the words I write cannot do it justice; you have to see it just to realize in what ruins they are left.
You told me how you have never been to the Wall and I can tell you now, you should have gone. It is as magnificent as it is frightening. Jon took me all the way to the top of it, twice. Once at night, once in the middle of the day and I cannot say which was more terrifying. Standing there, at the highest point of Westeros, at the very top of the world… you realize just how small you are. You realize how little a crown means. I'm sad to say that the feeling fades, once you step down from it.
By the time we returned to Winterfell, all three of us, I was shaking with fear. I did not know how much of it you had the chance to explain to your mother, and after all, the way I left made it seem as if I ran away with a blacksmith. Add to that that I was bringing Jon with me. I was afraid of your mother, more than I was ever afraid of anyone.
Needless to say, it was irrational. She welcomed us with a small smile. I could tell she was not happy with the way I carried myself with the swift exit, but she forgave me. She and Jon did not run into each other's arms, but there were kind and polite to one another. From what Jon tells me, that was a pleasant change. The reunion between Jon and Sansa was heartbreaking. Sansa looked relieved and glad to be with her brother again. I think I saw a tear in Jon's eye, although I think he would never admit to that.
I did not have time for a proper conversation with anyone, since my sister ran out of the castle at that point. You know the power Shireen has over me. The moment I saw her, everything else was irrelevant.
Now, I am sitting by the fire, after taking the longest bath in my entire life. To answer your question, I am staying in your chambers, the ones you used before you left. I have to add my apologies. I may have borrowed some of your clothing. I might be leagues away from it, but I steel feel the cold of the Wall.
As soon as I rest, I will return to my duties. One night is all I ask for. Well, I am not asking for it; I am simply informing you of it. This was something I have never done before and I can assure you, I was not properly prepared for it. I doubt I will ever taste dried beef again.
Tomorrow, I will go and see what the walls look like now; I have been away for a while and I imagine that some progress has been made. I will talk to your mother about the costs and how much we can afford to send to the Wall. I will see how Sansa is doing and if Jon is happy to be home again. I believe I do not have to oversee Shireen. This place is doing wonders to her. For someone who has always been a frail child, the change about her is evident. Even without the presence of the sun, she has more color in her face. She has more meat on her bones too. I told you this before and now I am confirming it. She was never as happy as she is here. This is her home now, too.
I believe you have already done this, but if you haven't, I would advise you to write to Jon, as soon as you possibly can. While I have no problem with being the raven between the two of you, I believe you need to exchange words directly. After all, all that he heard from me, he needs to hear from your brother as well.
Now what do we do? We have only planed until this point. Does Jon stay here or does he join you? If he joins you, where does he join you? If you are not at Dragonstone by the time this letter reaches you, tell me, where Jon should go, if he is to go somewhere at all. If you are not at Dragonstone, I would rather not condemn him to the presence of my lord Father. You are married to his daughter and allied with him; Jon is not. Why would he go through the same torture?
All jokes aside, let me know what you want us to do next. After all, I do my best work when I am following your directions. We're lucky I seem to be good at that. Better than both of us expected, it would seem.
I did not expect this letter to be this long. I suppose that I had a lot to say, having not written to you in detail for a while now. If I remember something afterwards, I will send you another raven. Until then, I expect an equally long letter in return. The last one truly was filled with apologies and I know you can do better than that. You might be at war, but your lady wife should not be disappointed?
Just to make it clear, I accept your apology. I am not angry anymore, if I ever had a reason to be. A reason that was not caused by being cold and miserable, that is. I just wish I could talk to you in person. Letters are not doing it justice. All the letters we have exchanged so far, we could say all those things to each other by nightfall. We have no other choice, I know. I just wish it was different.
I need you more than I ever thought I would, Robb Stark. I can say that now, when I couldn't truly say it before. Standing on top of that Wall really changed the way I look at everything. Small and irrelevant in comparison, that is all we are. If we are so small, why should I feel shame in admitting that I miss you?
What is next for me, for you, for us, I truly cannot say; that is something you must do in my stead.
As I was writing this, I thought of ways you could repay me. I can confirm it now. You are one lucky man, as your wife is a humble woman. The only thing I want is simple, and I have faith that for you, it will be easily achievable. Don't get yourself killed. That is all I want.
I hope your eyes are not too tired by the time you get to this line, so that you can reply at once. Or leave me waiting. It's not like I could ever know the truth.
Oh, and you will need to knight Gendry once the war is over. I will explain it when we meet again.
Write me soon and be safe.
Yours,
Sophia
I want to send the letter straight away, but I do not want to move from this place. I would have to get dressed and to walk all the way up to the highest tower in this part of the castle.
If Robb is going to battle, and his letter tells me that that is the plan, I need this letter to reach him as soon as possible. I cannot delay it simply because I did not feel like getting out of the chambers and going for a very short walk.
So I change and I walk out, hoping I would not run into anyone on my way there and back. I do not feel the particular desire to speak to anyone. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I even do not want to speak to my sister. I just need to be alone with my thoughts, if only for one night.
They knew it. No one protested, not Catelyn, not my sister. My lucked served me well, as I managed to send the letter to Robb and return to the chambers, without being noticed by anyone. There, I simply crawled into the bed and just stayed there, fully awake, thinking.
Things are about to change, and I can only hope that change for the better. If Robb moves away from Dragonstone, in order to stop Lannister forces from reaching the North, what will happen with the plan of taking King's Landing? I do not know enough to panic, but I cannot contain the worry.
I kept asking him, over and over again, to make sure he returns home, when he was in no real danger. What do I say now, now when I know that his life will be at risk?
I wish I could put to words just how much I don't want to lose him. I could never do it justice because I could not use the word love. It's not fear either. I have accepted that fear when Father decided to go to war for something that was rightfully his. When I married Robb, I simply added to that fear. And yes, I have accepted it. If I end up alone, I will do my best. I cannot say whether that would be enough or not, but I will do my best.
I just don't want to be alone. I accepted this man, I accepted his family and although it was not something I was particularly looking forward to, but I did it. And I do not want it to change.
A knock on the door startles me. I have been alone for long enough, it would seem.
"Come in," I say, no matter how much I wanted to pretend to be asleep. I don't bother to sit up, and when the door opens, I smile. If there is a person that would not leave me alone to rest, it would have to be my sister. "You couldn't wait one day?"
"No," she shakes her head.
"Come over here," I say, moving to the side of the bed. Shireen jumps onto the bed and lies down next to me. "You didn't miss me too much, did you?" I ask.
"No, not at all," she laughs. "Yes, I've missed you. But you were not away for that long, I think. I imagined you would be away longer. Everything was alright, while you were gone. Lady Catelyn did have a frown on her face, but she was not smiling that often before, was she?" she tells me.
"No," I sigh, knowing that Catelyn only ever had a sad expression. Even when she would smile, one could see the sadness in her eyes. Losing a husband, fear for her son and not knowing where most of her children are and if they are even alive? That leaves a mark. "Well, I'm back now. What did you do while I was away?" I ask her, choosing to talk about something less troubling.
"The same as I did while you were here. I would play, read, do some needlework. Sansa's teaching me, she is really good at it," her face lights up.
"You get along well with her, don't you?"
"Yes. She is a very nice person," Shireen tells me. "Lady Catelyn has been happier since she got here. If only the other children would come back home as well."
"We all hope for that, little one," I smile at here. "Last we know, all of them are alive. Now we can only hope that we will find them, or that they will find their way home on their own. And Robb will come back once he wins." I say.
"I hope you are right," Shireen smiles up at me. "It will be nice to see them happy. Now, what is the Wall like?" She asks me.
After so many years, I finally had new material to use, new stories to tell. I tell her all about the Wall and what it looked like, knowing I could never do it justice with my words. I even tell her about Gendry shouting from the top of it. I cannot say for how long I was telling her my story, but before I got to the end, she drifted off, falling asleep next to me.
Smiling, I cover her in furs and I move further away from her, so that both of us could have more space. Not long after, I fall asleep, finally comfortable after days of cold and hard ground.
Six horses, six men and three wooden carts full of food pass through the courtyard and through the gates as Catelyn and I stand and watch. I could not afford to wait for Robb's response. With the risk of him completely disagreeing with my decision, I follow through with my promise to Lord Commander Mormont. I can only hope that Robb will be reasonable enough to understand why I did what I did.
For one, I made a promise. I gave Lord Commander Mormont my word. Being a Queen and above all else, an honorable woman, I must keep my word. Not to mention that the Night's Watch needs our help. If Robb protests, I will stand my ground. Still, I would rather avoid it.
"The last time we spoke to Benjen, I heard him say that the Night's Watch is having many difficulties," Catelyn speaks up. "Ned worried about that, always. We are close to them. Starks have been honorable members of the Night's Watch for many years, we have always helped them. We might be at war now, but we cannot turn our backs to them now." She tells me.
"I hope your son thinks the same." I admit. While I appreciate her supporting my decision, it is Robb whose opinion I fear.
"Sophia, it is time you stop worrying about what Robb will say," Catelyn tells me and I look at her in surprise. I never expected I would hear Lady Catelyn say that; it makes no sense. "He sent you hear to rule. A time will come when the two of you will rule together, and when that time comes, you will have to agree on everything. But now, you are ruling here alone and he is doing the same down south. You have no choice. Even if he doesn't agree, he will understand." She tells me.
"You might be right, Lady Catelyn, but I do not want to do him wrong," I shake my head. "I still do not know him, not as well as I should. We are building our trust and while we are yet to experience troubles with that, I do not want to appear as if I am doing whatever I want to do, while he is away."
"You think he doesn't trust you?" Catelyn asks me in surprise.
"He trusts me, I know that," I shake my head, as that is not what I was trying to say. "To some extent, he does trust me, but I cannot say if that is enough. For all I know, he trusts me enough to take care of Winterfell, but he does not trust me to be loyal to him and not to Father."
"You can be loyal to both."
"Aye, I can," I agree. "And I am. As true as that is, how can I know that Robb isn't worried about the possibility of me turning on him? Anyone who knows me knows I would never do that, but Robb does not know me. I am proving myself, every day. And I want to keep doing it, if that is needed." I say.
"Dear Sophia," Catelyn shakes her head at me, offering me a soft smile. "You should not waste your worry on such things. He trusts you. Believe me when I say it, he trusts you."
"Why do you say that which such certainty?" I ask. I know Robb is close to his Mother, but I do not see him talking to her about this.
"He tells you more than he tells me," Catelyn smiled. "You have received twice as many letters and that's the way it should be. I know my son, Sophia. He would never leave Winterfell in the hands of someone he doesn't trust completely."
"You might be right, but I will believe it when I hear it from him." I say. "If I may be excused." I say. Knowing that what I did might be considered rude, I turn around and make my leave. I cannot speak to anyone about this, let alone Catelyn. I need to be alone.
Catelyn has been my biggest ally, ever since I became a part of her family. Not only was she a good listener but she gave advice. Good advice, at that. She helped me every step of the way, starting from adapting to Winterfell, right to accepting the decisions I made on my own.
I could talk to her about anything, but I cannot talk to her about this. Not when it is her son we are talking about. It is bad enough for me to admit my deepest worries to someone. And admitting them to Catelyn? Yes, she has been a friend to me, a mother figure of sorts, but she is Robb's mother. There is no doubt in my mind that she would take Robb's side and not mine, if need be. As she should. After all, she is his mother and my friend.
I cannot have Robb knowing the truth.
The Stark honor. That would explain everything. A Stark stays true to his word, a Stark never breaks promises, a Stark does whatever is the right thing to do. Yes, they do. Eddard Stark did, that is.
Robb broke his promise for me. Robb gave his word to Walder Frey and he did not stay true to that word, only to marry me. How can I describe Robb as someone who is honorable at all times, when he was not honorable when he married me?
No, he is not as honorable as people think. And yes, he might not trust me as much as he would like to.
But he did leave me in charge of Winterfell. Catelyn seems to think that is proof enough.
And his letters. Gods, I read those words so many times. There wasn't a trace of doubt in them. He trusted me with his brother, he trusted me with a secret.
Gods, what is wrong with me? Why do I doubt him when he did nothing to make me do so?
"Sophia?"
I wipe away my tears before I turn around, but it was already too late. Jon saw me crying, I could see it on his face. Men have a tendency to panic when they see women crying. Jon is no different.
"Yes?" I ask, pretending, even if I know my act is useless. "How are you, Jon?"
"I'm good," He responds, frowning. "How are you? Did something happen?" he asks. Well, there goes my foolish hope that he would pretend as if he saw nothing.
He is no better than Catelyn. Robb is his brother and who am I?
"I write to Robb all the time," I say, looking away from Jon. "Some letters I send, some I burn, some I keep, with no intention of sending them. I write him almost every day. I only wrote my Father once, when I first arrived here. Only one letter."
"I… I don't know what to say to that," Jon tells me after a long silence. "Perhaps that is what happens when daughters marry and move away. You are no longer a child. You do not need your father as much as you did when you were younger. Now, you need your husband."
"Yes, I do," I agree. "I am… I am losing my mind over here, Jon. Whatever I do, I wonder if he would agree. Whatever move I make, I wonder if he would agree. Ever since we went our separate ways, all I have been doing… I question myself every day, all day long. I feel… tied down. Gods, I just want to talk to him!" I snap and Jon jumps up, as my voice was close to a shout. "I just need him to tell me that I am not going to ruin everything."
"You are not going to ruin everything," Jon tells me and I actually smile at him.
"Thank you, Jon, even if you simply said it to make me feel better. Thank you, but I need to hear it from him. And the ravens never seem to come fast enough."
"If that is not enough, you should speak to him in person," Jon tells me and I roll my eyes. He says it like it is something I can do every day. "I'm serious," he tells me when he notices my reaction. "You tell me he's going to Riverrun. Riverrun is not that far from Winterfell as you might think it is."
"Jon, I can't simply leave Winterfell whenever I want to. I am here for a reason."
"Sophia, you really look like you need to have a conversation with him. Winterfell would survive without you for a week or two. I might be going to Riverrun as well, if that is what Robb wants me to do. We could go there together and you could finally get the… reassurance you need."
"That might be what I need, but I do not think it is a good idea." I admit.
"Ask Robb. We'll see what he thinks."
"No," I shake my head. "I don't want him to know about this. I can't leave Winterfell again."
"Sophia, you really can," Jon shakes his head. "You are just afraid to do that."
I don't even want to know what he thinks I might be afraid of.
