10: [The Hidden Depht]
Don't taint this ground
With the color of the past
Are the sounds in bloom with you
Cause you seem like
An orchard of mines
Just take one step at a time
[…]
I say it to be proud
Won't have my life turn upside down
Says the man with some
With some gold forged plan
Of life so incomplete
Like weights strapped around my feet
Tread careful one step at a time
And you seem
To break like time
So fragile on the inside
You climb these grapevines
Would you look now
Unto this pit of me on the ground
And you wander through these
To climb these grapevines
-Globus, 'Orchard of Mines'
It would be Shinji's first visit to the Mitsurugi Residence.
He'd visited Touji's and Kensuke's places once or twice before, though the two clearly preferred to meet if not somewhere in town, then at Shinji's place, lest they miss any potential chance to sneak a glance at Misato – Even if that also meant a higher chance of running into Asuka as of late.
Nagato, by contrast, had only recently become what one might consider a full member of their group and hadn't been there for the initial series of turbulent events that had led them to each other. Insofar, this invitation was probably a good thing, as well as an interesting opportunity for Shinji to get to know him a little better.
Misato had immediately agreed as she always welcomed the sight of the pilots maintaining their social contacts and taking the time to do regular innocent kid's stuff. Since Shinji had brought his phone and Misato could easily find out the Mitsurugis' adress and phone number with a single call to headquarters, there should be no problems in case they needed to contact him because of an emergency.
In comparison, the conversations the two had led on their way to Nagato's appartment had almost been more of a challenge, as the Third Child had never been particularly interested in politics and the like – He already had enough things to worry about without including the big, immovable processes that were leading the world on a tightrope dance at the edge of destruction.
Shinji's knowledge in that regard was limited to what he might occasionally pick up on TV, radio or internet, and his opinion of most controversial topics was rather wishy-washy.
For obvious reasons, such discussions were seldom started when the four of the were all in one place, but Nagato seemed to have expected that he would be the type to keep informed about these serious topics, or at least, that he would welcome a chance to discuss them in a setting where it wouldn't bother anyone else.
Shinji just kept nodding and hoped that his new friends wouldn't notice that he was relatively clueless. If he was somehow disappointed, he didn't show it.
Not that this meant much – If anything, it was yet another testament to the older boy's superior patience whose stoic calm was at times enough to look beyond even Asuka's constant provocations.
His statements about the complexities of the greater, wider world that Shinji had always seen as a big, confusing and hostile place one could easily get lost in were somber statements of detailed reasoning yet dispassionate nature as well as mildly concerned contemplations far disparate from the curses and complaints often associated with debates.
Shinji chose to regard this as a positive trait of Nagato's, though he could imagine that Asuka would have chided him, too, for not expressing himself in a more energetic or dicisive manner... though if she had in fact been here, she probably would have invested her limited time into the mocking of Shinji's limited intellect.
By the time the boys reached their destinations, his replies had only exceeded the domain of nods one-liners a few times.
The Mitsurugis lived in an apartment complex that was not ostentatious, but certainly on the side of greater comforts, displaying an upscale, modern design on both interior and exterior.
Judging by the sheer number of doorbells with blank tabs beside them, the building appeared to be mostly vacated, much like many others inside Tokyo-3, including the one Shinji himself lived in, though unlike the Katsuragi household, Nagatos family appeared to have at least a few neighbors: Every three or two stories, one of the three to four apartments per floor would be listed as occupied, though this amounted to only six in total.
The two boys' path led them into a spacey elevator with a shiny black floor of black marble and through it, to the sixth floor, which was located at about half the building's height.
The buttons in the elevator suggested that the building contained both an underground parking and a basement complex, from which individual rooms or spaces could be rented alongside the apartments themselves.
Like Shinji's own place, the Mitsurugi residence had an automatic metal sliding door – all it took for it to open was for Nagato to pull a keycard through a slit in the wall.
"Is this really okay?" Shinji asked hesitantly, still unsure whether he should actually follow its resident inside. He wasn't sure if the obligations and significances of crossing this threshold were all clear to him.
Nagato seemed surprised about the question, though he was able to downplay if not completely conceal this, along with a certain sense of doubt lacing his measured features.
Beckoning him with a nod and as gesture, Nagato motioned for Shinji to enter first.
The apartment was nicely furnished, but not exceptionally large. Beyond a small wardrobe which offered a space to take of coats and shoes, they were met with an open area that combined the facilities of a kitchen, living room and dining room, from which three doors branched off, all of them neatly labeled with small, hand-carved wooden signs: One of them, in the shape of a tiny bath tub, was simply labeled 'Bath', the sign on the next door resembled a motor bike and, judging by its written tag('World's Best Dad'), must have been a gift, and the last contrasted the others by being a simple rectangular plate of stainless steel, with the words 'NAGATO'S ROOM' engraved in capital letters, which suggested that even though Mitsurugi senior seemed nearly as eccentric as Misato, he had a much better feeling for what boys their age might find embarrassing.
And his son's gratitude did not merely extent to gifting him grandmotherly wooden sign, which, despite what the NERV employee's rebellious hair length seemed to suggest, were something like his great weakness, and as such omnipresent in his kitchen despite the lack of feminine figures in his household - "Pots", "Plates", "Cutlery", every drawer had its own little wooden sign, often carved into a matching shape.
There were coffee mugs as well ('No #1 Dad') which he'd then go on to use to show the world just how proud he was of his junior, for example right now, as he sat on his desk, sorting through a plethora of files and reports full of numbers and diagrams.
Though he seemed to have been absentmindedly sipping at his coffee as he worked, Mitsurugi Minoru immediately put down his mug as he heard the boys' steps drawing nearer.
"Oh, Nagato! Welcome home!" he greeted with a broad, jovial grin. "And... oh, did you bring a visitor?" he seemed surprised about this.
"We wanted to work on our studies. Is it bad today?"
Smiling, the older man shook his head.
"Of course not! I keep telling you that you could bring some friends home with you. And you're helping out another student, too. That's practically something for me to brag about. But isn't this our Third Child?"
"Uh...yes..." Shinji confirmed.
The long-haired man got up from his seat and eagerly shook the EVA pilot's hand. "I'm honored to welcome you, Ikari-kun. Make yourself at home!
We'me met a couple of time at headquarters. My name is Mitsurugi Minoru."
"Nice to meet you, Mitsurugi time."
"Nice to meet you, too!"
Throughout the whole greeting, Shinji's thoughts were not quite in the present, and he hoped that it hadn't shown. It was just the sheer casual banality with which this man had conversationally announced how he was going to 'brag' about his son as if it was the most normal thing in the world that had been deeply shocking to him, his sudden awareness that he couldn't even imagine this, to just... come home one day and incidentally find his father sitting at a table there. The older Mitsurugi was wearing a partially buttoned down white shirt and light skinny jeans that seemed to take a few years off his face. He made an all different impression compared to when he'd don his labcoat and his NERV uniform, way more insouciant and natural, more like a man that was only a few years' Misato's senior than an eccentric researcher or overly enthusiastic family man.
Shinji couldn't recall the last time he'd seen his own father in anything other than his NERV uniform. Though he was ostensibly right there in the room with the Mitsurugis, Shinji felt as if he were on some distant star, looking through a telescope to observe a distant, unfamiliar Sphere at the other end of the universe.
"Well then, good look with your studies, you busy bees~" Mitsurugi noted, patting his son's shoulder in acknowledgment.
Shinji didn't think that he had ever received a single affectionate touch for as long as he could recall... no pats on the shoulder, no hugs, nothing...
He had, after all, been raised not by a family member with whom there would have been a certain intrinsic familiarity, but by a teacher, who was a trained professional doing his job for a salary. In this setting, any touch would have been improper.
Or no, that was no longer quite right.
Not since his arrival in Tokyo-3.
It may not have anything that happened on a regular basis, and most cases had involved embarrassing mishaps, but he could no longer claim in good faith that he did not know what human closeness felt like.
But still, compared to what most others took for granted, he knew laughably little of it.
Nagato's room was possessed of generous dimensions and numerous windows, all of which were, however, equipped with dark curtains that limited the influx of light which would otherwise have been very prominent during the daytime.
Apart from the occasional metallic surfaces, the furniture was kept if not black, then in dark colors, and the carpets continued this pattern.
The large bed and the desk, a black rolltop desk that could have passed for an antique were it not for its ample size, raised the suspicions that minimizing cost had not been a major deciding factor in their selection.
The numerous and diverse lamps draped in little groups on various free surfaces added a more personal touch.
What really attracted Shinji's gaze, though, was a grand pianoforte crafted from dark wood, stored away in a dark corner of the room as if to not draw attention to it.
"It belonged to my mother." Nagato explained, well aware of where his friend's gaze had strayed.
Shinji himself, feeling somewhat 'found out', went through some hesitation before gingerly speaking the question that had been on his mind to begin with: "...Do you play?"
That would be quite a thing, if they'd both secretly harbored an interest in classical music in all the time they had known each other, and were only finding out now.
But the bandaged boy spared him the embarrassment by shaking his head.
"Not really..." he admitted, not without a drop of melancholy in his voice.
"I tried to learn once, but, I'm not really suited to it. It's not like I'm not musical, but... When I was a small boy, it did not really hold my attention, I mean, a piano- back when I was a child, I used to think it was kind of old fashioned, I was more interested in learning something a little more modern... ironically, that was a keyboard for me. Almost the same, one might think, but the differences are there. Or perhaps, I just wasn't rigorous enough with the practice. As a small boy, I didn't fully understand that I wouldn't see my mother again, and now that I'm older, I'm all the more aware that I barely knew her. I thought that, if I started playing, I could meet her somehow, but in the end-
Excuse me. You probably don't wish to hear this. This isn't what you came for, after all. I'm truly sorry for the outburst..."
Looking rather self-conscious for a moment, Nagato reached into the breast pocket of his shirt to retrieve his reading glasses and place them onto his nose.
"We should probably start..."
But those last words didn't quite make it into Shinji's consciousness. Something else had captivated his attention, a commonality, a flaw of his own person which, once recognized in another person and seen from the outside, seemed only human and a feeling he'd felt very alone with up to this day.
"It's allright."
"Hm?"
"...it's not that old-fashioned, I mean, plenty of modern music has pianos in it, they never really went out of fashion..." The Third Child attempted a smile. "Just look at me! I play the Cello."
"...is that so?"
It was true that he hadn't made this fact known to very many people. He didn't want to draw attention or rouse expectations he would be unable to live up to.
"Don't think much of it, I'm terrible. My old teacher kept saying that I'd inherited my mother's talent, but I'm pretty sure he only said that so I wouldn't be disappointed. It's not like I need someone to tell me to notice that I'm no good...
He used to be my mother's music teacher, back when he was younger. From what I've heard, she was a real prodigy, and that's how he came in contact with our family in the first place. He would tell me about her sometimes, but for me, she always remained something like a large shadow..."
"Then..."
"Yeah, I'm the same as you. Except that I started early and still never got the hang of it..."
Behind his narrow reading glasses, Nagato's eyes were wide.
Was this the same expression Kensuke had received back at that campfire? It was strange to find himself in the reversed role, actually... changing things and doing others a service rather than just standing in everyone's way.
"So, uhm, weren't we going to get started?"
Nagato nodded with a subtle, yet clearly perceptible smile.
"So, what did you get for problem number two...?"
"I gave up on that one. I'm afraid I simply don't get it..."
"Then let me see... that's actually quite good."
"Those are only the basics."
"That's still the part where most people get stuck, if I may say so."
"Well, this, uhm..."
"So then. Let's continue..."
"This is the part where I got all confused... We're supposed to use the one formula if it's negative and the other one if the result is positive, but haven't got either of them memorized..."
"They'll probably be supplied on the test paper anyway. It's not as hard as it looks as long as you can remember the basic procedure. You just have to use an inequation to calculate the values for which the function becomes negative or positive... wait, I'll show you..."
"Maybe like this...?"
"Exactly. See? You almost worked it out by yourself. You shouldn't give up so quickly."
"Why do you keep asking me if you can do it this well?"
"I... wasn't sure, and besides, I'm not exactly doing it well..."
"Almost all of this is right, though, apart from some little slips of attention here and there, and those are probably just nerves."
"That's only because you explained it to me, Nagato..."
The younger Mitsurugi couldn't help but chuckle. "Shinji, there's no one who can learn this sort of thing without having it explained to them first. There's no shame in asking questions."
"I just don't want to bother anyone else, or, look like an idiot asking stupid questions..."
"Shinji, the teachers are paid to answer 'stupid questions'. They'll probably be glad to see that someone is interested in their lessons for a change. It's actually remarkable that you can do this just with a little explanation. You've got a good head on your shoulders, you just have to be more confident."
"Hello, you hardworking boys!"
The two of them had just taken care of math, physics, literature and their homework when the door opened to reveal Nagato's father.
"Fancy a little brainfood?"
"Uh, I... I really don't want to impose on you..." Shinji answered cautiously. His doubts regarding his own father and the mild intimidation he felt in regards to the older Mitsurugi's outgoing nature further complicated the usual tightrope dance between coming off as either greedy or ungrateful.
"No need to play it humble! The pizzas are already on their way. I took the liberty of ordering you a salami pizza since most people generally like that flavor. Is that alright for you?"
"Yes, Thank you very much."
"Don't worry about it! After all, every single person in this town owes you their lives several times over. The least I can do is buy you dinner."
His following laughter matched his long hair and informal manner of expression.
"Besides, any friend of Nagato's is a friend of mine. You can go ahead and let me serve you something to drink, the table is already set and if the phone operator is to be believed, the pizza should be here any moment!
Contrary to popular belief, I think that even education should be enjoyed in moderation."
Nagato himself simply smiled. "Thanks, Dad. We're coming right away, just let me finish reading this paragraph."
In the meantime, Shinji caught himself nearly putting away his pens though he had intended to continue working after the break – Even though the man of the house didn't seem like the sort to be overly fussy about correct procedure, Shinji hadn't really had a chance to embarrass himself in front of his friends' parents before – by the looks of it, the fathers of Touji and Kensuke were both very busy men of whom he'd only caught fleeting glimpses so far, and though he was already familiar with Rei's guardian, he barely 'counted' as he doubled as Shinji's own father.
So far, the elder Mitsurugi seemed to have a positive opinion of him, but that could probably be ascribed to his being an EVA pilot.
One way or another, they found the table already set when they left Nagato's room – Shinji had stood in wait for his friend to finish reading.
As for the older man, he asked them what drinks they might want and swiftly served them – Shinji gathered from his casual and well-prepared actions here that he must have taken over the household duties for lack of a spouse.
Shinji himself decided on some orange juice, whereas Nagato contented himself with a glass of mineral water while his father opted for a cold glass of lemon-flavored beer.
No sooner than everyone had moved over to their seats, the doorbell rang.
"That would be the Pizza." the long-haired man concluded. "Wait I sec, I'm just gonna-"
But Nagato had already risen to his feet before anyone else got the opportunity to do so.
For a split second, Shinji had been considering to go himself lest he come off as a lazy mooch, but his doubts as to whether he would find his way back had kept him seated.
"I'm going. I'll be right back."
And before Shinji even had the time to blink, the younger Mitsurugi had already departed towards their Pizza, which meant that Shinji was now alone with the elder.
"Don't forget to take the cash with you, Nagato!" he called after his son – before turning straight towards Shinji. "And as for you, there's really no need to be so shy."
"Uh... thanks... anyways." Shinji answered for lack of anything better to say.
"Not all! I should be the one thanking you, without question! You've done a lot for us."
"That was just because I had to, it's not exactly my achievement..."
"I don't mean your piloting. At least, not that alone."
Shinji eyed him dumbfoundedly.
If it wasn't this, then what? What else had he ever done that would be worthy of notice?
"I've got my very own reasons of being thankful to you, boy. As you probably noticed, my dear junior is a bit... reserved. It didn't help that he's been bullied over his good grades on some of his old schools. Children can be cruel sometimes... And because of my work concerning the project, we had to move a lot, sometimes to very remote areas, so he never really learned how to blend in with others his age. Even at home he's all alone, since I'm so busy. He's been very lonely at times, and this is the first time in years that he's ever brought a friend home with him.
He's told me everything about you and the other two, and how you went out of your way to include him. I owe you one for that."
Shinji... didn't know what to say.
"Did I embarrass you? I'm sorry. I can imagine that Commander Ikari would have made sure to drum the humility into you... if the way he acts at work has anything in common with what he's like at home, he must be a pretty strict father, right?"
If only. That would at least imply that his Father had some concern about Shinji's manners and upbringing.
How would Shinji even know what he acted like in private?
Perhaps he was strict with Rei – but if he was, it surely wasn't in your usual 'go and clean up your room!' kind of way.
In any case, as far as Shinji himself was concerned, it would seem that his father couldn't care less about what he did or didn't do.
"No, I don't think he is."
"Well! That's not that surprising either. It's not like my own home life is anything like people probably imagine it... I still wonder what it is that I did wrong – and try as I might, in the end I've never been able to replace Nagato's mother. I was very hurt by her death myself and maybe... maybe I was too absorbed with my own grief to help Nagato deal with his – even though he was the one who found her, that day, and at such a young age, too...
– And with my work, even I wasn't even there for him as much as I could have been.
You know, when my wife first died, I considered sending him off to a boarding school, where he'd be looked after by qualified people, and be around other gifted children on his own level.
Sometimes, I wonder if I didn't make the wrong decision back then..."
"No way!"
Shinji was just as surprised about the intensity of his reaction as the man sitting across him. For once, the long-repressed feelings inside of him refused to be restrained.
Before the the NERV researcher had revealed this train of thought, he'd always pictured the Mitsurugis as being the exact opposite of his own family, a diametric counterpart, but now...
Could it be...?
"There's no way that could be better, Mitsurugi-san...! I mean... Don't you see how important you are to Nagato? He has nothing but praise for you!
It's because of you that his life isn't... worse... than it is..."
"It's okay kid! Thanks. I suppose you're right..."
Nagato's father pointed an understanding glance at the many gifts that decorated the room.
"By the way, now that we're talking of fathers and the like... I don't suppose you could put in a good word for me with your old man?" he asked with a grin, perhaps in an attempt to lighten the mood of the conversation before Nagato could return and inquire about their long faces. "Just casually mention what a nice and hospitable guy old Mitsurugi is when you get home, okay? I could always use a raise or a better post."
"I'm afraid you're asking the wrong person for that, Mitsurugi-san..."
"What do you mean?"
Normally, Shinji peferred avoid this particular subject, but this near perfect counterexample threw as much fuel into the fires of his anger and disappointment as it took to loosen his tongue: "My father and I... aren't speaking with each other. We barely have anything to do with each other at all! When I 'get home', I will be heading to Misato's place. That's where I've been living, ever since I arrived in Neo Tokyo 3. – Ah, 'Misato' is Captain Katsuragi's first name. In any case, I'm staying with her.
The person you're asking me to talk to is basically my superior, and nothing else!"
The loathing in his words was quiet and subdued, but audible nonetheless.
"That is..."
One could imagine that the older Mitsurugi had some variety of thoughts and feelings about this – for him, this must have been an abrupt encounter with the path not taken. But before he found the time to gather his words, the door swung open to reveal his son with three cardboad boxes full of pizza in tow, inadvertently scattering the heavy, gloomy mood that had started looming over the room as he moved in to deposit them on the table, and as if by some unspoken agreement, the topic of conversation shifted to trivial small talk such as the current subjects being covered at their school and the terror of the second child, and everyone proceeded to have a good time, which didn't change that some things remaised unsaid, as, perhaps, they should.
"So, I'd say that's enough for today." announced Nagato after he'd allowed himself to flop down on his bed in exhaustion. "It's getting rather late, too, we wouldn't want Katsuragi-san to get worried."
"I guess you're right..." Shinji agreed, already in the careful process of putting his things back into his schoolbag. "Thanks for everything again."
"Don't worry about it. If you ever have problems with your schoolwork again, you can always ask me for help."
"...Thanks. I'll be going then-"
"Wait a bit!"
Nagato sat back up and pulled something out of a drawer in his nightstand. "I've got something for you here."
"What do you mean?"
"Let's call it a token of friendship. I've been wanting to give it to you for some time now, but I suppose I chickened out so far... I've noticed how you always carry that old-fashioned cassette player with you, and I guess it made me think of something you might enjoy."
In his hands, the boy with the bandaged head held a collection of dusty old cassettes which he eagerly presented to the Third Child.
"They used to belong to my father. He was a bit of a rebel back in his youth, and I suppose you can still tell by his hair. I asked him and he said you could have it, he's got all of this as MP3s anyways."
"I – can't accept this..."
"I insist on it."
"What kind of music is this, anyways?"
"Mostly Grunge and Nu Metal, I think. Nirvana, Peal Jam, Tool, Linkin Park, that type of thing. My father tried to spark my enthusiasm, but I'm afraid this was never really my style, but, I can imagine that you'd like it. I'm sorry if you already have all of these..."
Shinji wondered where Nagato had gotten that impression of him.
To be honest, the repertoire of what he kept blasting his ears with mostly included ordinary pop songs, the sort of which the radio played every day. It was his own selection thereof, chosen from the more downbeat corners and interspersed with the occasional piece of classical music, but he'd always shied away from everything that was considered hard loud or rebellious. He'd have worried what his old teacher would think of it.
As for the bands and artists Nagato had just listed, he was only familiar with the names, in part because of the older, wealthy people that had occasionally frequented his teacher's place and their complains about the 'nihilistic' and 'anarchist' media that was supposedly spoiling today youth.
"Don't take this the wrong way, but, what makes you think I would like this?"
It wasn't a complaint but a sincere question, an inquiry into how he was being perceived – nonetheless, the reply seemed to disarm Nagato for a moment, but then, his expression changed into a melancholy smile.
"You just seemed the type, I guess. Like someone with a sullen, rebellious streak...
You know when I first saw you, my first impression was that you were someone like me. Someone who's had to bury certain dreams a long time ago, a deeply sad and resigned person..."
It was hard to believe that Nagato would describe himself as such with a smile. It was painful to look at him, and Shinji wondered if Misato had felt the same looking at him when they first met. Somehow, this seemed to make her behavior back in the day more comprehensible.
"But when I got to know you better, I came to realize that we're more different than I thought. You probably think that you should have given up, but you haven't.
I think somewhere deep down, you've got a lot of anger going on... or, well, that was just my impression, and so I thought that maybe some angry music would be something you'd like-"
It surprised Shinji that someone would see him this way – it didn't fit his own image of himself and made him wonder where Nagato could be coming from.
"You know, one thing that we do have in common is that we can be somewhat reluctant around others, and how we try to be as polite as possible out worry that we could be doing something wrong..."
"I know... It's just like Shikinami says, I'm a wuss..."
"I used to think the same of myself when I was younger... and you know what my father told me? 'Nagato, stop talking nonsense. You're just a nice person and you don't need to be ashamed of that.'"
Shinji wished that he'd have someone who could have told him such things.
"Whether it's wanting to be liked by others, or to avoid fights, those are both perfectly normal. It's a natural part of living with others as part of a group.
Actually, it couldn't hurt Miss Shikinami to follow your example and act a little more agreeably. On the other hand, I've made the experience that you can't really be happy if you're always playing some part. At least in the quiet of your room, with your music and your computers and so on, or whatever your hobby is, you should be able to be your true self."
"Is that so? I don't know, especially about that 'true self' part – just because it's 'true' doesn't mean that it's always good. For all you know, my 'true self' could be the worst person imaginable!"
"Are you afraid to find out?" Nagato replied. "Don't worry. I'm positive that your true self has to be an impressive, interesting person. Maybe a bit more intense than you're comfortable being right now, but- I'm sure you're a great person."
"And how could you possibly know that?"
"Because you do great things. That's the only way you can ever know any person – by their actions."
If only...
"I... I'll give the cassettes a listen. " the Third Child surrendered, packing them into his bag. "Thanks, Nagato. It was an interesting experience to come here... I think. Really, thanks."
Nagato sighed in a fond manner. "How many more times, it's me who should be thanking you. You're always welcome here. Should I ask my father to drive you home?"
"No thanks, I'll manage. ...but, Nagato, there is one thing I've been wondering..."
By the time Shinji spoke those last sentences, he was already standing in the doorway.
"What is it? Ask away."
Shinji believed that they should now be sufficiently acquainted for this not to come off as nosey.
"Please don't think anything strange about this, I was really just wondering, but... wha happened to you?"
Nagato took a moment to realize what he was referring to.
"Ah, you mean the bandage? That happened some time before we moved here, a couple of months ago. My father brought me with him to the lab to watch his big experiment and on this day of all days, something went wrong. There was an explosion, and I barely made it out. Some people even died... and well, I guess this kind of injury takes a good while to heal."
Walking home in the fading dusk, Shinji couldn't help but incredulously look at his hands as he opened and closed them, sometimes slower, sometimes faster.
He barely recognized himself in the person Nagato and his father had been speaking about.
Could he really make this sort of difference?
There were many people whom he wanted to help, many whom he wanted to protect, but the whole thing sounded preposterous... The great hero that everyone else seemed to be talking about barely resembled him. It was all one big misunderstanding, owed solely to his being an EVA pilot.
If anyone had gotten it right at all, it was probably Asuka – He was a weakling who couldn't even stand up for the things he cared about.
All his good intentions were utterly worthless if he couldn't enact them in reality.
Everyone had all those huge expectations of him, and the day his streak of beginner's luck ran out, he'd be forced to thoroughly disappoint them – He'd practically had it prophecied to him, not that he needed a prophecy to know it. If Asuka didn't tell him, then the next available mirror would.
He'd always been deeply afraid that people would hate him, but now, he was beginning to realize that being unjustly admired might be more terrifying than being justly hated.
Everything was so vague and uncertain...
When he arrived back home, he found the table covered instant meal packages. In his Absence, Misato must have 'volunteered' to provide Asuka & PenPen with something resembling Dinner and especially the former assured him that she was none too happy about that, as if his general existence wasn't annoying enough.
Was she seriously still upset about what happened this morning?
She usually burned herself out faster than that, or maybe that confrontation had been the last straw?
He'd never understand her...
One way or another, his own path led him straight back to him room, where he intended to listen to some Nagato's cassettes before going to sleep.
He put the first one into the player, plugged the headphones into his ears, leaned back and pressed the 'Play'-button... and then, it was as if he'd finally found the words to describe the feelings that he'd been harboring for a long time, but never found the words to express, and he knew that he wasn't the only one with these doubts, or with these feelings.
As soon as this night has embraced him, its mysterious ways send him back on his journey.
Loose and silent amid the contracting darkness, unsure of what to become, he found himself in the black depths of an ocean, where no light shone.
There was nothing but deathly silence, and both the bottom and the surface were far beyond his sight – and that's exactly why he had closed his eyes a long, long time ago.
There was nothing to see, nothing to hear, nothing to do.
There was nothing but the trickling sands of time and the process by which he slowly adapted to the cold of his surroundings.
It was no wide, open darkness, but a small, enclosed one, and he had no reason to suspect that anyone would ever find him here
- So why did it take little more than a tiny glittering, a premonition of brightness to rouse him from his curled up position in the middle of the vast nothingness and lead him to strive toward the source of the light, open wide, rising like helium, higher and higher, toward the light and the gold and the many wonders he'd never known before, surrendering to the sun like a moth to a lamp although he knew that he'd only get burned?
The reflection he saw as he neared the surface wasn't anything he would recognize, but he didn't get to examine it in detail before it was extinguished, either through himself breaking through the surface, or the sound of his alarm clock...
The day before, he'd set his alarm particularly early; He'd considered to meet Nagato at his doorstep, in part to give back what he had received, but also for a chance to be alone with him. He wanted a silent minute to confirm to Nagato that he'd chosen exactly the right gift and appreciate a quiet moment together in ways that the rest of their little group wouldn't.
Th other two were indispensable for purging the air between them of the melancholy it sometimes acquired; It was just that for each of the three, there were a couple of things that could only be discussed under four eyes.
Admittedly, another part of Shinji's motive was to evade the still-seething Asuka. The more time passed without resolving their differences, the more he feared that he may have driven her off for good.
Nagato was conceivably flattered by the gratitude but true to himself he was somewhat reluctant in expressing it.
Again, the topic of discussion went over Shinji's head, but this time, he managed to work up the courage to ask follow-up questions, resulting in the slightly older boy apologizing profusely and insisting that he hadn't meant to come off as arrogant. Nagato had himself considered to explain the topic, but he'd been afraid that he'd sound even more like a know-it-all if he did this. He wasn't really familiar with what most othes would regard as 'normal' topics.
Shinji merely replied that it wasn't Nagato's fault if he didn't understand it and that there was no reason to apologize.
No reason to apologize, hm? Was it that what Asuka had meant back then? Then again, it had bee a whole different thing in a whole other context and it wasn't like he understood any of this...
Nagato spoke then with sudden severity: "But there is one thing that I can't stop wondering, Shinji... Yesterday, my thoughts where in a whole different place, but that's precisely why I can't help but notice it today. You mentioned that you lost your mother, just as I did."
"Uhm, yes..."
"And you know how Touji always tells us how his father is always busy and how there's no one but him to look after his sister... and, remember that time we were at Kensuke's place? There was no room in that apartment for a mother.
And the Second Child lives with Katsuragi-san, just like yourself, so we can probably assume that she's an orphan as well. I've never really thought about it, after Second Impact, it's not that unusual, but now that you, too...
Tell me, Shinji, what of Ayanami? Are her parents still alive?"
Shinji didn't understand what Nagato meant, but he had a feeling, a half-conscious observation he'd never dared to pursue any further.
"She lives on her own, and her legal guardian is- he's the Commander of NERV."
"As I thought." Nagato's expression darkened, and he turned to look directly into Shinji's eyes.
"Do you know of anyone in our class whose biological mother is still alive?"
No, he didn't.
Incapable of denying the self-evident truth that shone at him from all possible angles, Shini gaped at his friend.
"What... is the meaning of this?"
"I don't know. And hearing that you don't know either worries me even more."
When he saw the panic spreading through the EVA pilot's face, he felt duty-bound to add something more to that: "From a sober perspective, all that means is that there must be some connection between our class and the project, beyond just you three being part of it. That explains what Kensuke told us, about how this class got so few new students when the city's population was still growing, and why we're the only ones to get new students as everyone else keeps fleeing to the countryside. And since I was placed in this class myself, that would mean that whatever this means also concerns my own person.
But ultimately, the upshot of this is just that our lives and our safety depend on you and the other pilots. In that sense, this is nothing new."
Great. Another piece of disconcerting knowledge that he couldn't discuss with anyone.
First the visions inside his EVA, those strage dreams, 'The World is Wrong' and now this...
"Why... why of all people do I have to know all those terrible things I can't talk to anyone about!"
"Perhaps, so you can use that knowledge to save us all?"
That must have been Ichijou Yui's thoughts as well,and the reason why she'd approached him in the first place. He was trying to 'use' this knowledge but, that meant that it all depended on him.
On him, who couldn't stop earning Asuka's wrath when it was her heart he was after, on him, who couldn't manage to become a support for Ayanami, on him, whom even his own father couldn't stand the sight of...
That Asuka didn't spare him one glance upon his arrival in the classroom was barely surprising. It was Rei's absence that shook him with a small jolt of fright when he first noticed it – what if yesterday's experiment had gone wrong after all?
No, in that case, Misato would have told him, if not yesterday evening, then this morning. She was absent all the time, it was barely anything special for her, not that this was a reason not to be worried, especially given all those pills she tended to keep on top of her fridge...
Absorbed in his brooding, Shinji barely noticed the lessons rushing by, and since he didn't feel like explaining his sour mood to his friends, he decided to depart toward the school library before the sound of the bell had time to dissipate in full.
He'd never really been there, but he knew that it existed, and he knew what door supposedly lead to it – His usual spot on the school roof would have been too obvious, and libraries could, almost per definition, be reasonably expected to be quiet, secluded places.
The greatest advantage of a silent place associated with Nerds and loners was undoubtedly that the chance of running into Asuka there was probably below zero; If she were to find and mock him on top of everything else, it would be more than he'd be able to take right now.
But even if he was correct in his assumption that Asuka would treat this sort of place like the Bermuda triangle and that his friends would look for him on the roof, he neglected to consider that he couldn't possibly be the only one among hundreds of teenaged students who was currently looking for a bit of piece and quiet, so that he allowed himself to sink into his thoughts beyond the degree that would be advisable if one wished to avoid collisions with one's fellow students.
Thus, Murphy's law struck again when a likewise distracted girl with a couple o books under her arms and another in front of her nose happened to be walking into his general direction: Baboom!
The literature immediately began its journey to the floor, where they scattered themselves openly before her feet.
Shinji instantly expected reproach and sought to apologize, but to his great surprise, whatever bookworm he'd nearly mowed down preempted him with her quiet, adorable voice, mumbling a hasty "...E-Excuse me!"
Feeling no less guilty, Shinji immediately followed up with an "A-Are you alright?"
Crap! Why did such things keep happening to him?
You'd think he was the clumsiest person in the galaxy...
Fortunately, the unfortunate girl immediately assured him that she was just fine, and immediately inquired how things were on his end.
"It's okay..." he answered, making a point to sound friendly.
And then, well, then she slightly turned her head to the side and surprised him with a beaming smile.
"Thank goodness..."
He was immediately taken with her.
It was the sort of simple, genuine smile that the beautiful and radiant ones of this world had long since forgotten, a gentle, unpretentious gesture not intended to demand a particular response.
But he thought that he'd seen her before somewhere, with that long, black hair, the beauty mark under her lips and the light grey eyes that shone even through her glasses.
Recognition began to trickle into Shinji's consciousness, but didn't fully arrive until she bent down to gather up her books. "I'm really, really sorry." she repeated, even thought it was him who had crashed into her.
"I should have been more careful..."
There! Now he remembered!
"You're..."
Yamagishi Mayumi, the girl who'd transferred in yesterday.
"Oh right, we're in the same class."
Aww.
That smile could melt him where he stood. He better get his gentleman act on, perhaps he could still salvage the blotched first impression from yesterday.
"I'm Ikari Shini." He bent down as well in order to look her in the face. "Do you want me to help you?"
"It's fine, it was my fault anyways..."
"Uh-Uh. You can't have been the only one who was spacing out..."
"I'm really, really sorry-"
"There's no need to apologize."
Now, Shinji intended to defuse the awkward situation by gathering up her books as fasr as possible, but unfortunately, Mayumi had the exact same idea, so that her fingers were reaching for the same book at the same time and as such, brushed against Shinji's.
Frightened by the foreign unfamiliar sensation of warmth, both pulled back their hands reflexively.
"I-I'm so sorry!" was all Mayumi could manage to say, avoiding his gaze in shame.
Shinji himself, alas, could not string any coherent words together: "Ehm... Er... Well..."
Quick, quick, something to talk about...!
"Uhm, were you going to borrow these books?"
Great, the dumbest question on Earth.
"Well, yes, I, I like books so that's why-" feeling that his presence was at least halfway tolerated due to her answer, Shinji took it upon himself to gather the remaining volumes. "...So that's why?" he repeated with interest as he handed her the books. It seemed like the simplest way to answer and to signal that he was paying attention to her and hey! She actually turned her face back in his direction, even if she kept her gaze lowered and her expression suggested that she found this whole situation deeply unpleasant.
"So nothing, really..." Intent on escaping the gaze of other humans at least for a moment, she was the first to rise to her feet, even though he follow her swiftly.
She used the split-seconds this afforded her to compose herself and put on a smile, lest he read something accusatory into her discomfort.
"Uhm, Thanks alot-"
"Don't mention it." Shinji answered with a placating smile that he hoped would relax her a little. He'd expected that it might not work, but Mayumi's actual reply was unlike anything he'd imagined or played out in his mind.
"Uhm, yesterday, at the pool... You were looking at me, weren't you?"
"Eh... Eh... Ehhhh!"
"I – Is fine, I really don't mind, uh..."
And well, with those words, she darted off like a startled hare, leaving him alone with his thoughts.
Great, so now she thought that he was some perverted peeing tom and a careless ruffian who runs into people. He should be ashamed.
By now, he was beginning to wonder whether there was some yet undiscovered law of nature that sharply increased the possibility of embarrassing accidents whenever he was in the vicinity of pretty girls... on the other hand, her reaction hadn't been as straightforward as a simple 'you pervert'.
Then again, it was hard to say what opinion she'd been meaning to state, given that she'd had some difficulty expressing herself.
It was strange...
All in all, this Mayumi person left him with the impression that she was fairly shy, and then there was all this apologizing, even though he was the one at fault.
Was it this what Asuka had meant?
The Events sparked chains of thought, but didn't really lead those to any firm conclusions, except perhaps that the first impression he'd had of this girl, the idea that she was like him somehow hadn't been completely wrong.
Mayumi didn't allow herself to move until she was certain that she'd heard the door slamming shut behind her.
Only then did she sink to her knees, wrap her arms around the pile of books she was carrying, and loudly bemoaned her own piteousness.
That boy... that 'popular kid' that neither looked nor acted like one... he must think that she meant to call him a pervert or something, which wasn't what she had wanted. This hadn't turned out the way she wanted it to, quite the opposite if anything, and on top of that, she'd embarrassed herself and, she'd run into him too.
Serves her right for daydreaming. All she really wanted was just- It was so hard to put into words. She shouldn't have tried in the first place.
It was just that Mayumi always hated to be looked at or even noticed by others – she feared their dismissive judgments and their condescending laughter, the fate that invariable awaited her... but when this boy, who was suppedly popular with the local girls, had chosen to look at her of all people back at the pool, it had been different, different from all the other times – for once, it was almost a delight to have been watched, to have been chosen among all the beauties around as if she wear someone special, even someone beautiful and desirable...
It was perhaps the first time in her life that she'd been the target of flattery, and she'd thought he should know that, but when she'd stood before him, she'd simply ran away without managing a single coherent sentence.
Now that she'd though, if only for a moment, that something could change, everything staid the same and she was all the more tired of it for it, tired of it all, tired of her paralyzing speechlessness, her ugliness, her incompetence and that constant discomfort that sapped her energy – today it was even worse that yesterday, to the point that she'd been sorely tempted to ask the teachers more a moment to go outside and catch some fresh air... she couldn't even think of the last time she hadn't felt awful.
But it was no use complaining, this awful day was about to continue, and she had to get a move on if she had any intention to do any more reading before the bell signalled the end of recess.
Holding on to one of the many bookshelves, she rose to her feet and looked around for the entrance to these still unfamiliar rooms... and then, all the books slid out of her hands and were scattered to the floor with a series of loud 'thuds.'
She felt a pain that made her wonder how it could exist in this world, almost as if someone had detonated a nuclear warhead in her stomach whose fiery mushroom cloud now burned like a newborn sun.
Memories spilled forth of long-denied, abominable occurrences and long-forgotten, ill-remembered times in which she'd found herself somewhere with no memory of how she got there and no explanation that she could have given in case of questioning adults, a buried chest of quiet, whispering voiced that assured her that she'd never be happy ever again, and that everything she had ever known was marked for destruction, doubting, questioning, accusing voices that had been nourished by her fears.
Her hands moved over her ignited center – what was this? What could it be? Where could that horrid pain possibly be coming from, what organs were supposed to be in that spot again?
Helplessly, she fell down on all fours.
She felt as if she were about to burst open like an overripe fruit, as if her innards were to spill out with nothing to hold them back... she was hot, she was nauseous, and everything around her seemed to be blurring together – She couldn't even seem to breathe, for some kind of hellish pressure seemed to be driving the air from her lungs as I it had transformed itself into a viscous liquid, or even frozen into sharp crystal spines that were now piercing her tissues from the inside.
She'd already begun to make her peace with the certainty that she would just die here and never know what hit her when the ordeal took a turn for the worse, exceeding even her wildest dreams and darkest fears.
There was this stirring, this gross, biological sensation in her innermost, an agonizing, dribbling contraction.
By the time she fully recognized what it was, her school uniform was thoroughly drenched in her own cold sweat: A heartbeat. It was a heartbeat, a foreign, thundering heartbeat that wasn't her own.
She knew that this could not be, but as absurd as it may have sounded, it was real, and every single of its was akin to being crucified and broken on the wheel a thousand times.
She wanted to scream, but she couldn't. Her mouth was wide open and her face contorted, but no sound would escape her lips, as if they had been muted by a remote control. The certainty that no one would come to her aid even though she was inside a school building, technically surrounded by hundreds of students felt like ice in her veins; she'd wanted to hide herself from view, and so hidden she was to remain as she tumbled to the floor and prayed for a quick end – it's not like she'd ever had anything to keep her in the first place.
"No more..." she whimpered, her pleas barely more than a strangled rasp escaping her throat. "
The pain was like an incandescent light that outshone anything else in her consciousness. Her flimsy excuse for willpower and such an absurd self-flagellating eho as her own were all too easily overwhelmed – Who was she? What was her name? Who or what was important to her? There was nothing in Mayumi's life that would have been worth holding on to in spite of this agony – her mind was blank, completely bleached out save for this soul-splitting pain and a plea that sweet death might take her, or that she might at least find release in the tender embrace of unconsciousness – there had got to be a point at which the pain would be too strong to be felt continuously -
But the entity whose infernal heartbeat hat taken possession of her was yet far from done with her and most certainly not contended with making her writhe in pain – The being had known her for a long, long time.
It had watched her grow up, and it still had plans for her, plans that required her to become a tool for the destruction of her beloved world.
Wait, beloved? No.
She had no real attachment to this world, nor to any of the people that dwelt within it – After all, none of them had shown themselves to be attached to her, at least not enough for her to refuse the sweet arms of temptation in their name, especially if they promised an end to her suffering as she lay smothered by the heavy crushing presence that came over her and demanded her soul, or rather, came to take it back.
Drunken with pain, she was incapable of resisting the alien being's commands, and whatever may have remained of Mayumi within her fleshy shell had long since begun to attribute all of this to a fever dream – or perhaps, the person called Mayumi Yamagishi had been the dream, the scattered memories o her life nothing but a convenient fantasy to offer respite from the truth – or, if she had existed, she was most certainly dead now, she had to be, it simply wasn't possible that she'd ust be able to stand up after all this as if nothing had happened, not without leaving her corpse strewn across a nearby corner, and she was almost certain that that's exactly what she would have seen if he were to turn around now – except she wouldn't dare, she was far too afraid to look bad, and that left her with nowhere to go but forward.
Onwards, march, march, just as the Angel of Illusion commanded it – First in a stagger, hem, increasingly with an almost frightening normalcy, she was sent into motion – how could it be that no one could even see how she was buring up on the inside?
…...CLOSER...
She kept on putting one foot in front of the other.
Her skin had acquired the coloration of fresh printing paper.
She knew that she'd arrived at the school with her bike, she'd certainly be much faster if she took it.
…...CLOSER...
What was she even doing?
She felt it right beneath he skin, the beast that was just about to awaken.
…...CLOSER...
Approaching Asuka was no easy feat.
This wasn't something Shinji had fully appreciated before she'd decided to give him the cold shoulder for a while – Even though he'd known her for quite a bit at this point, he'd never walked up to her seat during recess in order to talk to her – usually there would be very little need of that, as Asuka had never been too reluctant to come to him when she had something to say to him.
Perhaps it hadn't been such a good idea after all to avoid her this morning – it would have been far easier to confront her in the safety of their shared apartment with Misato there to serve as an arbiter, or, at least, one-on-one on their way to school than it was now that she was standing in a crowd of girls with Hikari at her side, eagerly trash-talking some random celebrity's allegedly 'slutty' clothing.
But it couldn't be helped – by now, he had given up hope that she'd eventually come around on her own.
"Uh, Shikinami-san, do you have a minute?" he asked reluctantly, calling into the crowd which promptly fell silent – once again, all eyes were directed towards him, and it occurred to him that he should have recognized this as as terrible idea.
It was to late to go back now though.
"What do you want?" she retorted immediacy, no less hostile than she had been this morning. "Have you come to ruin yet another day for me?"
As usual, she got straight to the point and straightened out her back as she spoke so she could look down at him from her full height.
"It's not like that..."
Gathering all the wits he could muster, he forced himself to look her in the eyes and spill the beans right away – for even if she didn't, she'd insist on extracting a satisfying answer from him.
"I... I wanted to apologize to you!"
"Apologize?" Crossing her arms in front of her chest, Asuka eyes him sourly.
Wasn't that exactly what she'd been telling him not to do?
Still, it was a marked improvement to see that dork make his way here and come speak to her in front of all these other girls, enough, perhaps, to justify listening to what he had to say.
"So..." he began soon after they had arrived on the school building's roof. "Are you still angry because of what happened yesterday morning?"
Asuka couldn't believe her ears. How much more obvious did she have to make things for him to finally get a clue? She was going out of her way to make it clear as it was.
"This is not about that stupid thing from yesterday! And even if it was, it's not like listening to you talking is going to change what happened. I don't need your useless dramatics!"
"I know!" Shinji countered. "I know I can't undo what happened, but I still want to apologize..."
What else could he do at this point? It wasn't like he could turn back time!
He was just trying to be nice and get along with her, which was more than what could be said about her.
"Save your breath!" Asuka spat, without even pausing to think. "I'd much rather prefer it if you acted like a real man for a change."
"What does that even mean?!"
Before Asuka got around to explaining the difference between him and a 'real man' in gratuitous detail, the 'peace and quiet' of the school roof was interrupted by a shrill noise – or rather, two sources of such noises.
Immediately, the Children exchanged a knowing glance – the very fact that their phones were both ringing at the same time left little doubt as to what awaited them...
"Analysis complete!" reported Lt. Ibuki. "Pattern Blue confirmed. It's an Angel, and it's the exact same one we had on our sensors yesterday!"
Aoba forwarded the target's position to Misato – it had appeared in a rural area some distance outside of Tokyo-3.
"Understood. All hands to battle stations!"
"Aye Ma'am!" Hyuuga confirmed.
"What about the Angel's power? If it could move without being noticed, why didn't it sneak up to our doorstep? What reason could it have to manifest outside of the city?"
"Who knows..." Akagi speculated. "Perhaps it's a trap and it's waiting for us to attack."
"Well I'm sorry but I'd rather not wait and see what it does. What's Commander Ikari's thought on the matter?"
"He told us to proceed at your discretion." Hyuuga detailed.
"Alright! What's the status of the Evangelions?"
"EVA 00 has been on standby all along and is ready to go. Units One and Two are being brought online as we speak."
"And what about the pilots?" Misato inquired.
"They're already in their plugs and awaiting orders."
"Very well. Connect me to the children..- Shinji-kun? Asuka? Rei? Can you hear me?
The enemy's capabilities are still unknown but we have reason to suspect that it can somehow bypass our sensors. It wouldn't be the first time that we lost or only barely escaped a battle because the enemy displayed some unforeseen power that we weren't prepared for. That's why one or two of you are going to stay behind in case the vanguard is taken out faster than we can do something about it . Above all, we have to avoid a situation in which all three of you are put out of commission all at once. Are you following me so far?"
"Whaaaaat?" Asuka bristled. "So not all of us will participate in the fight?"
"That would depend on the strength of the enemy."
"And which of us gets to go first?"
Well. That, indeed, might be the million dollar question.
Rei had the lowest synch ratio and EVA 00 was still plagued by technical difficulties so they could forget sending her out on her own. The same was true for Asuka: Left to her own devices, she was sure to fall victim to her own recklessness, and sending out both girls together wasn't even worth considering. Of course, both of them had proven on various occasions that they could be expected to work with Shinji, even though it may have taken some prodding in Asuka's case... it might make sense to send out Shinji and Rei to keep the potential for squabbles as low as possible while reserving Asuka's considerable fighting power as an ace up their sleeves, but then again, one could never be cautious enough with those things.
"I think it may be best to send out Shinji in Unit One first of all." she finally decided. He was, after all, the most experienced in terms of actual combat and while he might be liable to lose his nerve, that was far less likely if he knew that reinforcements could be sent right away. And if something did go wrong, the girls would be able to bail him out.
"Unacceptable!" Asuka complained. "Why am I not being sent? Of all the pilots, I have the greatest chance to take it out by myself! The most dangerous parts should be my job, not that of those two little children!"
"That's exactly why you're staying behind." Misato explained. "In case something goes wrong, you'll have to be our secret weapon."
Asuka wasn't all that convinced. "Bah!"
And so it came to pass that Shinji was sent to face the enemy on his own, with only Unit One itself for company.
Armed with an oversized rifle, he spotted the creature behind a hill, observing as it spun around its axis in silence.
It's lack of overt attacks only served to further the Third Child's irritation – He knew that Asuka and Rei could be sent to his aid at a moment's notice if anything were to go wrong, but the antsy mammalian fear circuits of his brain would prefer it if he could see them.
It had been a while since his last Solo sortie, he felt reminded of his earlier deployments, in many of which he hadn't exactly splattered himself with glory – he supposed that being allowed back out here by himself could be seen as proof that he'd regained Misato's trust in full since his early blunders.
The angel itself was shaped like an oblong ellipsoid standing on its tip, with six insectoid legs that ended in tiny five-pronged claw-studded 'hands'. As Shinji had come to expect from the likes of it, the creature's main body was no less bizarre: Upon closer observation, the Angel's body consisted of several disks that appeared to be spinning around the same axis – that aside, there seemed to be nothing physically connecting them, and one could discern that their inner sides coruscated in different colors, forming a rainbow along the length of the creature. The disks of themselves were composed or at least covered in hair-like bristles, resembling the coat of an insect such as a bumblebee.
Shinji thought back to what Yui had told him, but it refused to make sense – She'd said something about a power outage, but as far as he could tell nothing of the sort had happened. She'd also spoken about Asuka hatching a plan, but now, she wasn't even here, though there was at least one part of her warning that was still applicable to the current situation: Her assurance that 'shooting should work for once'.
So, Shinji released the safety on his rifle and took aim... but at what?
The creature's structure was fairly straightforward, but it was the most crucial part: Where in the world was the core? He couldn't see it anywhere.
"Misato-san? Where do I shoot...?"
It was not Misato's, but Lt. Ibuki's voice that sounded from the intercom: "We can't locate the core. It must be further on the inside."
What inside, though? That thing was practically see-through.
"Perhaps it will be easier to find once we've shot some holes into it." the leader of the operations division suggested "Try the center and both poles."
"Roger."
Shooting was supposed to work for one, eh? He would have to take her voice for it. Resolute, he emptied a whole salvo into the being, generously filling its center with center with bullets while giving priority to its middle and its ends – if one considered what results a failure would imply, it couldn't hurt to make sure.
There were sparks and several booming impact sounds, so there could be no doubt that the projectiles had struck – he hadn't missed the angels, and the bullets hadn't just phased through it either... so why wasn't there the slightest sign of damage to be seen?
The angel didn't show the slightest dent, not even a stretch...
And it was no longer inactive, either. Leaning to the side as if it wanted to join the tips of its component cogs on its left, it prepared an attack that turned out to be a broad, wide-area laser beam in the shape of a cross.
Shinji barely managed to dodge, but the ground he'd just been standing on was now burned to ash. The being shot again, forming a sun-like halo of ash-crosses around it which Shinji only barely managed to evade – he'd never had the fastest of reflexes but the adrenaline, past experiences and the training he'd received since his arrival were beginning to prove effective.
Even so, his successful dodges were enough to for the angel to switch strategies – and odd wobble went through its shape, leading up to the central segment detaching from the fold of its disk-like members, speeding towards the still kneeling Evangelion like some kind of lethal frisbee.
Despite or perhaps because of the worried shouting clamoring from the control center, the Third Child managed to duck just in time – and more than that: While the violet giant's body had essentially been made to throw itself to the side to avoid the hostile disk, its young pilot had actually succeeded in catching it, grasping it firmly with Unit One's right hand – that didn't mean that its motion has stopped, quite the opposite, the object seemed to spin faster and faster even while held in the EVA's hand, likely in an effort to escape; The friction between the test type's palm and the alien body part it was grasping rapidly filled all involved surfaces with heat, and even sparks could be seen flying, and the angel's bristly surface painfully dug into the giant cyborg's hand – but Shinji seemed determined to end this and held on tight, pulling up his other arm in order to spray the disk with all remaining bullets in his weapon.
No effect – the recoil even pushed the beast's detached center from his grasp, allowing it to wriggle free of his grip and rip a portion of flesh out of the Evangelion's palm in the process.
The hand was still largely working, but it hurt like hell.
"It's no use...!" Misato concluded. "Try another weaon!"
Damnit. This was nothing like that Yui person had predicted it. He was truly on his own then, but the foaming panic that he could feel building up in the rushing of his veins was a distraction he couldn't afford right now.
"I need to go to him! I was mistaken about something important, and now he's got wrong information! He's counting on me!"
"What are you talking about, girl? There's a fight happening out there. Do you want to die?"
"No one is going to die if only you'd let me get to him!"
"'Him'? Who are you even talking about?"
That, of course, was a question which Yui Ichijou couldn't really answer, but even if she could, it was probably pointless by now – If she remembered the proceedings correctly, Shinji Ikari must have been sitting in his EVA by now, or at the very least, have reached NERV headquarters where she could hardly get to him without fighting her way past half of NERV's security, which was impossible for her in her current situation – She was familiar enough with the routines of NERV's security agents to make her way to Shinji on the surface, but the same couldn't be said about the civilian police force that had apprehended her just a few days earlier. – that's what she got for getting herself caught.
The well-meaning patrol officer had caught her loitering in the middle of the night and dragged her to social services, where they had decided to place her in a foster family until they'd determine her identity, but she doubted that they'd find any records of a person who had never existed in this particular world.
Her movements had been far less restricted when she'd still had her device, but without it, she was something she had never been before: just an ordinary girl with no special powers or abilities, and the however benevolent actions of the authorities made it all too clear.
There was nothing she could do, she knew it, and it frustrated her to no end.
The creature had brought its Vessel as close to itself as it could afford without putting her in danger, but now, it needed its strength for the battle.
On the furthest outskirts of the city, where it bordered the fields, a silent, pale girl with long dark hair and big round glasses could be found half-leaning on her bicycle, with no real memory of how she'd gotten here – all she could recall was a tremendous amount of pain and an overwhelming sensation of heat. She still felt nauseous; the steady, agonizing throbbing in her stomach made it difficult to stay on her feet.
The wind blowing through her dark hair called her attension to the deluge of sweat that clung to her skin and clothing - and despite it she was shaking with cold chills; Breathing felt hard, as if there were a pressure on her chest, and she felt so weak as if she might faint at any moment – the cool of her bicycle chassis was the only thing she could really cling to for some sort of orientation, the rest of the world seemed to blur before her eyes.
What was even going on?
This wasn't her new school... but why would she even be there, in such a state as this? She must have gone outside to catch some fresh air, or perhaps to go home, but this wasn't her home either...
Eventually, she won against the smothering, pervasive sense of fatigue that clouded her consciousness and had a look around her surroundings, but as soon as she did that, she really wished she hadn't.
Before her was a ravaged battlefield which hosted a battle between an enormous demon in purple armor and something resembling a skyscraper-sized rainbow pipe cleaner – by the looks of it, the fight hat been going on for a while; Much of the landscape that might once have been as green as her immediate surroundings had been transformed into a melange of ash and mud, and strewn across this dark arena that marred the valley like a scar were a variety of spent weapons that meant nothing to the girl, but signified far more to the boy at the helm of the war machine.
At this point, he had pretty much tried everything: Guns and rifles from a variety of calibers, energy weapons, blaster, bazookas, miniguns, spears, tridents, halberd, sables, even a flail – at the moment he was swinging around a sword but it, too, didn't seem to be inflicting any lasting damage.
He'd come to realize one thing: The Evangelion's titanic body knew no fatigue. But this merely put them at a stalemate, as this creature still refused to take any sort of damage.
Admittedly, he had been able to prevent further damage to Unit One, but the battle seemed to be dragging on forever, and even though he believed to have seen the occasional squirt of blood spraying from his opponent, he still couldn't find that goddamned core.
"Let me go!" Asuka demanded. "Wanna bet that I'll find that stupid core in less than five minutes?"
Misato disagreed: "I don't think we can 'find' it like it's some sort of Easter egg. I mean, Shinji keeps slicing that thing like it's a Salami, if the core was somewhere inside, it should be cut to ribbons by now."
"This is cheating!" the Second Child bemoaned. "Could it be that this thing doesn't have a core at all?"
Dr. Akagi disagreed: "That's impossible. The core is the part of an angel that contains its soul. It's where its power source is held. And angel can no more live without a core than a human can live without a brain. It has to have one. "
"Yes, but where?" Misato replied.
Hyuuga hat to admit defeat: "Our scans still haven't found it. It's like it simply isn't there."
"Could the angel be hiding it somehow?"
Dr. Akagi replied firmly, schooting down Misato's speculation: "Impossible. No matter how well it might be concealed, Shinji-kun should have hit it by now."
Then, of all sudden, the young female technician let out a sharp exclamation: "Oh my god..."
"What is it, Maya?"
"Down there! We have a trespassing civilian! And it's a student at that..."
Shinji felt the blood freezing in his veins – he was experiencing a rather unsubtle Deja Vu and for once, it had nothing to do with any sort of prophetic dreams. It was hard to overlook her, considering his interface immediately had her identified, marked and zoomed in without his lifting a finger: It was Mayumi.
She stood there next to a bicycle, half- terrified half-confused, frozen in place as she overlooked the battlefield, and he could imagine all too well how the sight must be tantamount to hell, especially for such an extremly shy girl.
He'd certainly been hoping for some opportunity to correct the blotched first impression he must have made on her, but this was not what he'd been picturing.
"Mi-mi-Misato-san..."
"There's an entrance leading to a shelter right over there! Bring her there and don't neglect your cover!"
Good. Orders. That spared him from having to figure out what to do, though it was still up to him to do it – He could forget jumping toward her position, even the Evangelion's regular steps caused incredible tremors – it was easier to forget now that he'd become much more nimble in his use of this biomechanical war machine.
Careful, almost on tiptoes, he did his best to move in her direction as cautiously as he could, but his efforts were spoiled when the Angel once again sent its middle segment hurling toward him. In order to stop it, he was forced to sprint forward, landing on his side – He didn't have to look at her to guess that Mayumi may well have been knocked off her feet, but at least he managed to protect her from worse by stopping the of the speedy aprroach Angel's disc by impaling it upon the blade of his progressive knife.
Much to his surprise, he could clearly see the cut he'd left in the Angel's flesh – his earlier impressions of having seen blood were not mistaken – the creature's physical substance was not at all imprevious to physical destruction.
But then, how?
His question was answered before he could finish posing it – pretty much as soon as he'd succeeded in drilling a hole into the disc, the flesh began to close around the knife; He had no choice but to hurl the knife into the distance along with the projectile.
That, however, should have bought him the time he'd need to get to Mayumi.
Without wasting a further second, he extended one of the Evangelion's hands toward her.
"Come. I'll get you to safety."
"I...Ikari-kun?"
"It's a long story... just come!"
Far too blanked out to even think of asking questions or talking back, she meekly followed his instructions so that he was able to deposit her at the entrance of the next bunker.
Of course, he couldn't see how she'd collapses almost as soon as she'd stumbled through the entrance gate.
"Shinji-kun, take care of the target!"
Of course. How could he ever forget it.
He would handle it, especially now that he'd understood – his attacks so far hadn't been ineffective at all, at least not all of them – it was just that this angel had some crazy fast regeneration powers.
"Misato-san! Please, I need a flamethrower... and a rifle with explosive shells, I think I've figured out how to beat it!"
At first a bit perplexed by his sudden enlightenment, the operation division's leader nonetheless didn't hesitate a single instant to authorize her young ward's request.
It was the explosive rifle that he got a hold of first.
BAM! BAM! BAM!
And just like that, the seemingly invincible angel was marred by three big holes; The absence of large portions of its mass clearly visible for a moment – that is, before it grew back together in a manner of seconds.
"I see!" Akagi exclaimed, unsuccessful at hiding her considerable enthusiasm. "That could actually work!"
"Well done, Shinji-kun!" Misato, expectedly, praised the boy with fiery vigor. "Keep going! Don't let up! I don't think that thing is gonna back down until you've destroyed every last scrap of it!"
The younger Ikari did not need to hear this twice.
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
He fired without reservation – he knew it would all be in vain if that thing was given the time to grow back together, so he was none too stingy with the munition;
When he'd emptied his magazines and left the angel reduced to a lattice of many bubble-shaped holes which nonetheless still defied gravity, it tried to swerve to the side to attack him but could move itself back into its original position in order to finish the move.
Justified by the laws of merited fear, he grabbed the flamethrower, cranked its output up to maximum and aimed it directly at the messenger's remains.
Then, there was only light – and the distant sound of a heartbeat.
When the blinding veil of the spherical explosion dissipated, it revealed a compact crater than had been melted into the ground... and a basically intact EVA 01.
It barely needs mentioning that the command center erupted in praise and jubilation – Misato in particular made no secret of the great pride she felt.
As far as Shinji was concerned, the whole thing rather embarrassed him and he was grateful that they probably couldn't see his rapidly reddening face.
Sure, a part of why he was doing this was that he'd been longing for people's approval, but... he didn't feel like he deserved this.
He almost wished they wouldn't do this, except, that didn't seem quite right either. He didn't really know...
It was like what he'd heard at Nagato's place, everyone seemed to be piecing this image together, this idea of a hero who had very little in common with him.
He could barely believe that he'd pulled this off at all, it was more like a … coincidence, if it weren't for Misato, he probably would have lost his head several times over.
It seemed ridiculous – Even Asuka had some nice words to offer for a change: "Not bad, Daddy's boy! Not like I wouldn't have thought of it in your place, but hey! You almost seemed like a proper pilot today! Sure, you'll probably never match up to my level, but if you keep this up, you're well underway to make up for your lack of preparation!"
But for all the praise, Shinji didn't really know what to make of it, as long as that one man remained silent as a statue.
"He might not look the part, but it does seem like the boy got at least some of his mother's brilliance... don't you think so, too, Ikari?"
The Commander didn't answer, but he did lift his head beyond its usual position half-hidden behind the hands he'd folded over the table, as if to get a closer look at the screen.
Something in his expression seemed to deviate from his usual harsh, strict look, though even Fuyutsuki couldn't have said how exactly it was 'different'.
Perhaps it seemed a little more, well, neutral.
When Mayumi came back to her senses, she felt cold and depleted, but surprisingly, the pain had receded – indeed, she hadn't felt this free of it in a long, long time, it was as if whatever discomfort she'd felt in the recent past had completely vanished, like it had never existed anywhere other than in her perceptions to begin with.
Much of what she'd experienced that day was too dreadful to give it further thought, but as she dragged herself back some, there was one thing that burned itself into her mind: That boy... Shinji, or whatever his name was... had saved her life.
Following both the battle and the following debriefing, Misato summarized both in a few words: "Great work!"
She made a deliberate choice to let that statement percolate a bit, however, that wasn't all she had to say: "Now, I wish I could leave all of you to your well-deserved rest after this, but..."
"But what?" Asuka demanded to know.
Somberly, Misato explained: "Rei and Unit Zero are still under orders to remain on standby in headquarters."
"HÄÄÄÄ? But why?!" the redhead exclaimed. "But we already beat the angel, didn't we?"
"The order came directly from Commander Ikari."
"Too bad!" Asuka's voice and the condescending way in which she leaned over to Rei with a snotty grin said much about her badly-feigned sympathy and even worsely concealed spite: "Well, it's not like we're too badly interested in your affairs..."
Without even blinking, Rei replied tonelessly: "So it is."
She didn't even have the courtesy to turn in Asuka's direction or look her in the face, and the way that weird girl insisting on continually ignoring her existence drove her up the heights of the walls.
"And what about me?"
"You can go back to school, as always, Shinji-kun."
He felt somewhat guilty about that.
"Er, well then, good luck Ayanami."
"There is no reason to worry."
She said that so lightly... If he and Asuka would be able to keep up their normal lives despite the situation, the only because Rei would remain behind in their stead.
She'd be all alone in headquarters while the rest of them would be having fun and hanging out with their friends... even though it didn't seem like Rei did either of these things all too often, even when she wasn't stuck at headquarters. She'd told him that there was no point in worrying about her, but to be honest, that didn't really convince him and besides, what if he wanted to worry about her?
"Cripes!" Asuka commented as she stretched her limbs as bit, drawing Shinji's attention back to her. "We spent the whole day soaking in LCL, and I didn't even get to fight an Angel!"
Ponderously pulling at her chin with her fingers, Misato cautioned her to reconsider: "Better be careful what you wish for."
"What do you mean?" asked Shinji.
"Well, there's a chance that Asuka might get the fight she's looking for. When the Angel exploded to day, we didn't see the usual 'Sea of Blood' phenomenon we saw all the other times, and there wasn't a pillar of light, either. Besides, we never found the core. That's why Rei was ordered to stay behind in the first place. The Commander suspects that we haven't seen the last of that angel."
"So what!" Asuka declared without a care in the world. "If that thing dares to show it's ugly mug around here again, we'll just beat it again!
We have more than enough fighting power to do that, considering just one of us was enough to take it out the first time!"
"Yeah, that's probably true."
Misato wished she could be surer of this, though.
"I've kept my eyes closed, so how come I can't sleep...?"
Shinji had tried every possible position, but even blocking the traffic noises out with music hadn't really helped.
About half an hour since he'd laid down, Shinji finally gave up and stared at the ceiling in resignation.
What was it that was keeping him from rest?
Was it what Nagato had told him? Was it the things he'd said about himself, about Shinji, or about their class?
Was it Yui's prophecies, and how they'd been correct last time but off today? In the end, he'd still won, so why did this worry him?
Or was it... because of Asuka?"
("Not bad!" - "It's not about that!" - The sight of her breasts spilling out of her nightgown...)
Or, because of Ayanami?
(That smile... he hadn't forgotten it. "See you later." - "There is no need to worry.")
Or was it... today's battle? After all, it had been a matter of life or death, and given how hopeless it had seemed at first, it was surprisingly that he wasn't much more worked up about it.
Not to think of that monster, that fat, headless rainbow bumblebee...
He'd seen worse.
...seen worse? That way of thinking seemed remarkably unlike himself, but it was still true.
This wasn't about the battle, which was almost frightening in its own way, but the real cause of his restlessness lay somewhere else.
It was just that he still, well...
"Now listen up, Daddy's boy! If you always give up right away, nothing is ever going to change! If you can't even stand up for what's important to you, and allow others to walk all over you, it's just proof that you don't have any confidence in yourself!"
Yeah, that was it. This was about yesterday morning, not so much about what Asuka did but what she'd said. He'd been reminded of it because of Nagato... and because of Mayumi.
...proof that he didn't have any confidence?
Well of course! Why would he be confident anyways?
He knew better than anyone that he wasn't exactly worth putting one's confidence in.
'Unstable', as they said at NERV whenever they thought he was out of earshot...
Misato kept telling him to have more faith in himself and... Nagato had done the same, as had everyone else – even Asuka told him this, in her own kind of way. Especially Asuka.
But...
"Yeah sure! No matter what's going on, you apologize just to be sure! Do you honestly think that everything is always your fault?"
But he just didn't feel comfortable trusting himself, or anyone else for that matter. He knew exactly that he was going to fail and disappoint everyone, including himself, and everyone would leave him once they realized that he wasn't worth sticking with.
(He recalled that tall, dark silhouette at the train station, the distance between them increasing with every step...)
That had always been a fact to him, one of the pillars of the world: He always did everything no matter what, so it was only appropriate that he should apologize – That's what you were supposed to do when you did something wrong, right?
But at that, he had to think back to his encounter with Mayumi – she hadn't wasted a second considering which of them had ran into whom and immediately declared herself to be the guilty party... the very thing Asuka accused him of doing.
It was clear to him that Mayumi wasn't the one to blame, at least not the only one, so why would she apologize?
Well, perhaps for the very reason he'd just outlined, the same reason why he did it: Because he didn't trust himself. Perhaps it was the same with her – he didn't trust himself to do anything right and what more, he could never be sure that he hadn't made some mistake that he wasn't aware of, so he was always ready to apologize for some unseen mistake.
It only made sense – so what was Asuka so worked up over?
She'd told him to act like a man and stand up for himself... for himself? What sort of bad joke was this supposed to be? Sure, the idea of it sounded nice, but even if he had the courage to do it, how could he go through with it in good conscience when he felt ashamed of all that he was?
How could he, when he knew he would fail and disappoint everyone who'd ever had those high expectations of him?
To do any of that, he'd have to be much stronger.
If only he were stronger, he wouldn't have to have all these doubts. He'd be able to win Asuka's respect, and protect Ayanami – if only he were stronger, he might even change the future of this ill-fated world...
But wait. Perhaps, he was looking at this the wrong way.
Sure, he wasn't the sort of hero some people thought he was, but he had helped Nagato find his place in their class, and today, he had without a doubt, saved Mayumi's life. He'd protected Asuka and Ayanami as well... and Touji & Kensuke, too. Through his efforts, this whole city, no, the whole world had been kept from being destroyed many times over.
He hadn't done it alone, but who could, considering the scope of the task?
Perhaps, this meant that he had already become stronger than he used to be, even just a little bit...
Those changes... and the things people were saying about him... they were ultimately good things, right?
In actuality, it didn't even matter whether he was stronger already, the important part was that it was possible.
He'd already made a difference for the better, and not just in such small things as Misato's diet.
So there was, at the very least, the possibility for him to become stronger.
He had to become stronger.
He might not be the hero they expected right now, and perhaps he would never be, but at the very least, he had to try to change himself.
Perhaps that's why he had come here in the first place, and why he'd agreed to pilot the Evangelion – because he wanted to change himself and his life.
He had to become stronger, so that perhaps someday, he wouldn't have t apologize for himself anymore, so that he could look in the mirror without feeling ashamed or disgusted.
So... how about Kensuke's masterplan for the school festival? How will Kaji's investigations succeed? And will Asuka get her chance to kick some angel butt? Find out in Chapter 2.11: [The Second Impression]
