Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)
What happens now is not as important as how you react to what happens.
- Ellen Glasgow-
Every Step Of The Way
It was well past midnight when Carlisle offered to drive me home. Edward still hadn't come back as we prepared to leave; I tried not to worry about it too much. When I asked Alice about it, she told me that he hadn't gone far. Apparently he just wanted to be alone. Alice tried to convince Emmett of this as he declared that he was going to go look for him, but her warnings fell on deaf ears. Emmett disappeared into the night together with Miguel, and I was torn between worry and amusement as I tried to imagine Edward's reaction when he realized that Emmett wasn't going to let him sulk for the rest of the night.
It was hard to describe the atmosphere in the living room as we left; everyone seemed relieved that the three-day ordeal was over and the unexpected trip to Italy had ended as well as it could under the circumstances. And yet, there seemed to be an air of unknown threat hovering over us because our understanding of the situation had changed.
"What now?" I asked quietly from Carlisle as we were headed towards the highway. I glanced at him, and even in the darkness of the car, I could see that he felt it, too. This obscure feeling of foreboding.
"Now... we proceed as we had planned," he answered calmly. "After we have made the necessary preparations... we should think about leaving for Alaska. Eleazar and I still believe that it would be for the best if you were changed there." He turned to look at me.
"Do we have some kind of a time frame?" I asked as casually as I could; everything was becoming so real all of a sudden.
"It's safe to say that the Volturi expect you to be changed within the course of a few months. Aro understands that preparations take time; it will only attract attention if you disappear without a trace, and attention is something the Volturi want to avoid, as you know. It might even take a full year before Aro decides to send someone from the guard to look for you. As long as you're a vampire when someone of the guard arrives, we have kept our end of the bargain."
"So are you still suggesting that we wait until Alice sees when Aro decides to send someone?" I asked. "Isn't it a fine line we're walking, then? What if they accuse us of stalling?"
"Aro read my mind in Italy. He knows that my promise to change you was sincere, and that I have no wish to deceive him."
"Then he must also know that you'd do practically anything to give me more time as a human," I pointed out gently. "Therefore he might send someone a lot earlier than we expect, just to make us act. After all, he knows about Alice now, too. He knows that she sees it when he makes the decision to send someone."
Carlisle shook his head. "Aro knows that I won't play with your life like that, no matter how much I want to give you more time. He knows that I will keep my word." He paused, keeping his eyes on the road ahead. "But nonetheless, I agree that postponing your change is unwise under the circumstances. Once we have made the necessary arrangements... we should be prepared to leave without delay."
He didn't say anything else for a long while, seeming to be lost in his thoughts. The way he had said under the circumstances caught my attention. I studied his face as well as I could in the darkness of the car. What had happened in Italy had changed him somehow. There was gravity in him now, something deeper than mere concern. It made my stomach knot.
The silence made me restless, and after a few minutes, I ventured to ask if something had happened between him and Edward while they were in Italy, even though I knew that it probably wasn't Edward burdening his mind right now. Carlisle hesitated for a beat before answering.
"I wouldn't say that something happened," he said. Even though I barely saw his face, I knew that he was frowning.
I hoped they hadn't argued or anything, but it didn't really surprise me if they had. I knew Carlisle wouldn't choose to hide his thoughts from Edward, and therefore it was very likely that he knew what had been going on between Carlisle and me for these past two or so weeks.
"I guess Edward wasn't too happy to find out about you and me," I mused.
Carlisle let out a quiet sigh. "I didn't mean for him to find out about it the way he did. In Volterra, of all places. I had hoped that I could have a proper conversation with him about it instead of him seeing everything from my mind. But there was no time for such conversations, as you may imagine. Aro certainly didn't make it any easier. He found the situation... amusing."
It was my turn to frown. "How so?"
He gave another quiet sigh. "Since he treats humans as inferior, he couldn't fathom the idea that you have brought out such strong reactions in our kind. He had already read Edward's mind by the time Eleazar and I arrived in Volterra and he knew that you and Edward shared a past. Later when Aro read my mind and found out that I as well came to have feelings for you... well, like I said, he found it amusing, especially because the matter was still more or less unresolved between Edward and me."
I gave a huffy sniff. "Well, I'm glad someone finds this entertaining."
Carlisle gave a joyless, soft laugh.
"So... you didn't get a chance to talk about this with Edward?" I asked. "About you and me?"
"No. There wasn't a good moment for that. And I'm not sure if he was ready to hear what I had to say, in any case. He seemed distant on the way home."
"Maybe it's best to give it some time," I suggested. "I'm sure he has a lot of things on his mind as it is, especially after what happened in Italy." I glanced at him. "What do you think about it, by the way? About this new turn?"
He shook his head. "I'm not quite sure what to think, to be honest. Since the Volturi had no knowledge about you until now, we have to look at this from an entirely different angle."
"But how? Who else could be behind the vision Alice keeps having of me?" I asked.
Carlisle shook his head again. It bothered me that I couldn't see his eyes. Even though nothing indicated that he was troubled, I knew that there was restlessness about him. I could feel it.
The rest of the drive passed in silence. I watched the dark sceneries pass by as we drove through the night. I might have dozed off at some point, because the next thing I knew was Carlisle's light touch on my arm. I realized that we were at my apartment.
I remained silent as we made our way inside. Maybe Carlisle thought that I was tired and that was the reason why I didn't say much, but the truth was that my mind was teeming with thoughts. After getting inside, I shrugged off my coat and hung it on the rack, waiting until he had done the same before starting to speak.
"I don't want to give the Volturi any reason to come here," I stated. Carlisle quirked his brow and looked at me. His expression was preoccupied, like he was still deep in thought.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"I mean that I'd rather be changed before Aro decides to send someone to check if we've kept out promise." I swallowed. "As soon as possible. And if I'm able to do so, I want to go to Italy myself."
The look in Carlisle's eyes was still pensive. "You're worried about Alice," he guessed.
"And about Jasper and Edward as well," I admitted. "If Aro was interested in my possible abilities as a vampire, then I have no doubt that he was beyond intrigued about what they can do."
It was hard to read the expression on Carlisle's face. He nodded leisurely, but it still seemed like he was looking more through me than at me. "Edward said that especially Alice's gift to see the future fascinated Aro greatly," he mused quietly. "And Jasper's ability to control emotions impressed him as well."
"Well, there you go," I said, trying to catch his gaze. For some reason, he wouldn't meet my eyes. It both confused and worried me, and I wondered what was going trough his head at the moment. "Look, I know you don't believe that Aro would forcibly make Alice or anyone else of your family to join him, but if we can do something to avoid the Volturi's visit, I don't understand why we wouldn't choose to do so. I want be changed on my own terms, on my own time, rather than wait for their decision to come here. I want it to be us that set the pace, not them."
Carlisle nodded again, frowning slightly. "It's your decision. And I agree with you." He rubbed his chin with his fingers in a very human-like manner before walking past me. He stopped in the middle of the living room for a short moment before making his way to the window. I watched him stare outside into the darkness for a few seconds before he turned around, taking a few idle steps before stopping again. I had rarely seen Carlisle pace, but when it happened, I knew that something had unsettled him greatly.
I went to him, touching him arm and once again trying to meet his eyes. He seemed to come out of it for a moment, and he reached out to touch my cheek lightly with the tips of his fingers. But then he looked away again, still that pensive frown between his eyebrows. Some vain part of me was a little saddened. For three days I had worried and feared for his safety, for three endless days I had literally ached to see him, and now that he was back, safe and sound, for some reason it seemed that he wasn't here at all.
"What is it?" I asked, unable to take it anymore. "What's bothering you?"
My words seemed to finally shake him from his reverie, and then he looked at me, really looked at me instead of through me. He let out a deep, silent sigh, holding my gaze for the longest of moments. Then he walked past me again. Not to pace this time, or to avoid my eyes, but to sit down on the couch. He leaned forward, arms on his knees, and laced his fingers as if in prayer. He suddenly looked exhausted, old. It was as if the thought of what he was about to say had the power to age him. The shadows under his eyes seemed more prominent, and even though his eyes were the familiar shade of golden, they seemed suddenly darker and deeper, like fathomless chasms.
"It's just very hard to accept that all these weeks we've based everything on an assumption that proved to be false," he murmured. "Edward believed all along that there was something else behind the vision Alice keeps having of you. He never truly believed that the Volturi were behind this. He was sceptical about it all this time." He sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. "If only we had listened. If only I had listened. If we had continued to investigate this more further like he suggested, we might have made progress by now. We could have a better undertstanding of the situation. Instead, we are back where we started. Completely in the dark." He shook his head, the look in his eyes beyond frustrated. It was the closest I had seen him come to losing his composure.
I crossed the few steps to the couch and sat down beside him. "You can't blame yourself for this," I told him softly. "The Volturi's involvement was the most plausible explanation to Alice's vison. And you weren't the only one who believed it to be so. The rest of us believed it, too. Edward might have had his doubts about it, but I don't think he's very pleased now that he appears to have been right about it. Especially the way he found out isn't very ideal." I stayed silent for a beat, wishing that he would look at me. "And besides... not much has changed when you think about it. Even though the Volturi didn't know about me at the beginning, they know about me now. All we can do is to act accordingly. So stop second-guessing your decisions. You've done all you can under the circumstances. Once I become a vampire and Alice's vision disappears..." Carlisle closed his eyes at the words, and I fell silent, realizing that I had misunderstood his feelings of regret. Because he wasn't troubled just by the fact that he had been wrong.
It came to my mind, then, that the Volturi probably worried him a lot less than they worried me. That was the real reason for his restlessness and troubled manner; Alice's vision. The root and core of everything.
He brought his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. "If I have done all I can under the circumstances, as you say," he began, still keeping his eyes closed, "then why isn't it enough? Why doesn't it seem to matter where it really counts?" He opened his eyes and laced his fingers again. "If Alice's vision stays the same no matter how we act, no matter what we decide..." He shook his head again and let out a deep sigh. Then he looked my way, his eyes becoming apologetic. He reached out to touch my cheek lightly.
"I'm sorry," he said, his voice quiet. "It is not my intention to burden you even more. You have enough things on your mind as it is."
I shook my head. "Don't apologize. I want to know what you're thinking. You don't have to shield me by keeping these things to yourself." I reached out to unlace his fingers and grasped his hand with my own. "I would be lying if I said that I haven't thought about Alice's vision myself. All things considered, it should have changed the moment I decided to become a vampire, whether the Volturi were involved or not. But maybe it's like what you said once ― that it's not an exact science. And maybe what Jasper said was true as well. Maybe conscious decisions aren't the only things that have an impact on Alice's visions." I watched our linked hands, pondering. "He also said... he also said that maybe some people's futures are predetermined in some way. That maybe there are fates that cannot be changed."
Carlisle turned to meet my gaze, the look in his eyes suddenly alert. "Bella. We have talked about this before. Just because Alice's vision hasn't changed by now doesn't mean that it never will. Jasper wasn't talking about your future when he said that."
"I know that," I assured, nodding. Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair. "But I was thinking, just in case ― I know how cliché this is going to sound, by the way," I murmured, giving a joyless laugh. "Whatever happens... whatever comes to pass... I have no regrets. None. I promise you that."
Carlisle was frowning again. Suddenly there was an edge to his eyes; my words seemed to have upset him.
"Are you saying that you've accepted the possibilty that Alice's vision will come true?" he asked. His voice was forcibly even.
I began to turn my head away, suddenly finding it hard to look into his eyes and see the agony there. But Carlisle touched my chin gently, not letting me avoid his eyes.
"I just wanted you to know this," I told him softly. "I think it's important that you do. Whatever does happen ― "
"Bella," he cut me off. His voice was quiet, very quiet, but he might as well have shouted; his words cut me. Or maybe it wasn't the words. It was the pain in his voice. It pierced some deep, vulnerable place within me. "Don't. Please."
I tried another approach. "I'm not saying that I want the vision to come true," I assured him. "That's not what I'm saying. Believe me. I just... I just hate to see you like this. I don't want you to be in doubt with yourself. I don't want you to question your past decisions if something does happen." He opened his mouth to argue, but I placed a finger to his cool lips, silencing him. "Do you remember what you said about love a few days ago? That it can't be measured, no matter how long... or how short a time it lasts. That's how I feel about us. About you and me." I paused. He didn't try to interrupt me this time. For some reason, he seemed to be at a sudden loss of words. "And this short time that I've got to spend with you... I can't even describe it with words. I feel like I've met someone after a lifetime of loneliness."
He took my finger from his lips and entwined our hands. "I feel the same way," he assured, his voice hushed. "Now, looking back... this does feel like a very short time. That is why I would hope for it to continue. Wouldn't you?"
I leaned my forehead against his shoulder, closing my eyes. "You don't even have to ask."
We stayed silent for a while. Keeping my eyes closed, I breathed in his calming scent. My human senses were too dull to define the complex aroma of his skin. It evoked images of a moonlit ocean and the waves caressing its shores, of sunshine and summer rain and meadows filled with flowers...
Carlisle tightened his hold around my hand. "When we were on our way to Italy, not knowing what would await us once we got there..." He was silent for a beat. I raised my head from his shoulder and looked at him. He shook his head, searching for words. "I know what I told you before Eleazar and I left. I know that I told you that I would do all I can to make sure that that everything would turn out well. But on our way there... I had to question my words and my promise. All along I wondered to myself if the situation with the Volturi would turn out to be worse than it had first seemed. I was forced to consider the possibility of..." His words died away.
"Of...not coming back?" I suggested quietly.
Carlisle sighed. He didn't answer my question directly, but he didn't have to. "I tried to imagine what it would be like, never getting another chance to do this," he whispered as he ran his knuckles along my cheek gently. "Or hear this," he said, placing his palm on my upper chest. "Or do this." He brought his hands to the sides of my face and lowered his mouth to mine. His cool lips explored mine for the longest of moments, and yet the kiss seemed to be over way to soon. As he eventually pulled back, I felt like I was swaying, my breaths coming in shallow inhales. A cool forehead pressed against my warm one. "The thought of not getting an opportunity to do any of those things... it was pure agony," he whispered.
"But you're here now," I told him softly. "You came back. You kept your promise."
"And I intend to keep this promise as well; I will do everything I possibly can to make sure that Alice's vision won't come true."
"I know that." As I closed my eyes, letting him pull me flush against his side, I couldn't help but believe his words. But no matter how sincere his promise was, no matter how much he meant the words, I had to wonder to myself if it was enough ― if keeping that promise was really up to him, in the end.
As Carlisle's arm came to encircle my shoulders, keeping me firmly against him, I kept my eyes closed and focused on his touch as if it would keep the thoughts away.
But even his touch wasn't enough to accomplish that.
That night, in my dreams, I was back on that unfamiliar street again. The snow was coming down in large, heavy flakes, leaving a blanket of white over everything. Including me. As I crawled across the cold ground, I left a smear of red behind me in the snow. There was pain; a lot of it. I couldn't tell what caused it, though, nor did I have any energy to focus on anything else but the adrenaline and fear coursing through me, shouting me to escape and forcing my tired muscles into action.
An invisible being was watching me from the shadows as I continued my desperate escape. My heart took flight, continued its hopeless run, even though it knew that the battle had been lost.
I spent a lot of time in Ithaca during the upcoming days. What had occurred in Italy seemed to be the catalyst to put things in motion, and I spent most of my free time with the Cullens, planning, organizing, preparing myself for what's to come. After their return from Italy, Eleazar had decided to stay with the Cullens for a while, and I spent many of my evenings with him, Jasper and Carlisle, learning more about the Volturi and the vampire world in general. We often talked late into the night before Carlisle drove me back to Buffalo. One night Alice suggested, half serious, that since I spent so much time with them in Ithaca already, I might as well move in with them.
While the thought wasn't unpleasant, I found myself clingling to the small, simple pieces of my normal life as long as I could. I wanted to sleep in my own bed. I wanted to be surrounded by the familiar walls of my apartment. I wanted to know that if I woke up in the middle of the night, I could make my way into my small library and curl up on the couch with my favourite book I had read at least twenty times in the past. I wanted to walk to the bookstore in the mornings and enjoy the crisp March weather, and guess to myself when the snow would melt completely. I wanted to do all these things as long as it was possible.
I suppose it was my way of dealing with the changes that were bound to come someday. I didn't know how far away that day would be, but I wanted to be ready when it came. Eleazar seemed to believe that we had plenty of time to make preparations and that it would take several months before the Volturi would send someone to check up on me. Since he knew the Volturi even better than Carlisle did and was familiar with the way they operated, I had faith in what he said. But still, there was this unspoken uneasiness within me. I couldn't put the feeling to words, and eventually I just decided not to pay attention to it and instead tried to keep myself serene. I had little reason to feel uneasy, after all ― Alice was watching Aro's decisions, and when she wasn't focused on what was going on in Italy, she was watching me.
So far there had been nothing new. Alice said that Aro didn't seem to be in a hurry to send anyone just yet, confirming Eleazar's opinion.
"The Volturi know that the preparations take time and you can't just drop everything and vanish," she explained. "That would draw attention, and that is something they want to avoid at all costs."
Therefore my life didn't take any drastic turns during the course of those few days. My everyday life wasn't the only thing that stayed the same, though. Maybe this was the reason for my constant uneasiness, for the bubbling unrest beneath the surface. Because no matter how many hours we spent everyday planning my upcoming change, no matter how determinedly I was preparing myself for the upcoming years as an immortal... no matter what we did, Alice's vision of me remained the same.
She no longer brought it up, but she didn't have to. I was sure that it was on everyone's minds. I certainly didn't need a reminder that all of our efforts might end up being futile. I never said that out loud, though, especially because I didn't want Carlisle to think that I had given up, succumbed to the idea that Alice's vision of me might come true no matter what we did or decided. The truth was that I hadn't succumbed, not really. I didn't know if it was healthy or not, but a part of me was growing almost indifferent towards the vision. Maybe it was some unconscious way of trying to push the fear and worry aside. It didn't work very well, though. There was more than one occasion when I woke up in the middle of the night, a muffled cry on my lips and my heart hammering in my ears. I usually willed myself to calm down, then, and forced myself to stay awake those few early morning hours until it was reasonable to get up. Carlisle always gave me searching glances as I emerged from my bedroom. He no longer mentioned it in the morning if I had been restless in my sleep. At first I thought that it was for my benefit, but I later realized that my nightmares, or the reasons behind them, troubled him as much as they troubled me. Maybe even more.
He tried not to show it to me, but it was the little things that gave him away. For instance, whenever I spent time in Ithaca at their house, and if Alice stopped breathing as her eyes became unfocused in that certain way, Carlisle always appeared beside me in less than a second, even if he had been on the other side of the house at the time. And when Jasper suggested that someone should guard the perimeter of the city, at least during the nights, Carlisle supported the idea. He was also reluctant to leave me for long portions of time, and I noticed that he tried to go longer than normally without hunting. It wasn't as if he didn't trust the others to keep an eye on me while he was gone, because of course he trusted them. There was another reason for his anxiety and his reluctance to leave me, and that's how I knew that I wasn't the only one who was plagued by this indefinable unrest Alice's vision caused. That he, too, felt like we were living in the calm before the storm.
For this reason, it felt good to be doing something, even if that something was preparing myself for the months to come. It was both practical and mental preparation; during the days, Alice and I got down to taking care of what needed to be done for the future of my bookstore. She took care of most of the practicalities and the necessary documents ― all I needed to do was to sign a few papers. It was strange to see my own name in the documents Alice brought to me, and a wave of sadness filled me after I had signed off the last paper.
"There," I sighed and set aside my pen. Alice added her own signature to the papers in a handwriting that wasn't hers. As expected, even the name wasn't hers. I blinked at the neatly calligraphed 'Rachel Lee' at the bottom of the paper and decided not to ask how many aliases she had. I felt oddly empty as I stared at my own signature next to Alice's neat handwriting. "Well..." I sighed again. "Congratulations, Alice. You just bought yourself a bookstore."
She rolled her eyes. "Don't look like that, Bella. Every bit of it is still yours. This is just a formality, as you know."
I did know that, and I also knew that I could always come back. It would take a few decades, though, but I suppose what mattered the most was that the possibility would always be there. But still, I felt oddly melancholy as Alice gave me my copies of the documents, almost like I was closing a door I could never open again.
Later that afternoon, I gave a call to my parents, telling them both about my so called plans to start traveling again. My revelation surprised them less than I thought it would, making me feel grateful that I had chosen to bring this up with them and lay some groundwork when I'd last seen them. I also felt slightly guilty when they both reacted to my news exactly like I had expected; Renée seemed both pleased and excited about my plans, whereas Charlie was cautiously worried. Even though he had been slightly against me buying the bookstore in the first place, he now seemed to think that giving it up just like that was unadvised.
"I'm not giving it up," I tried to explain to him. "Not really. I'm still going to work there, I'm just not going to own it anymore. It's a lot less risky for me when you really think about it."
"How are you going to work there if you're planning on beginning to travel?" he asked, slightly gruff. "I'm sure the new owner isn't going to make you the employee of the year or anything if you're climbing the Alps or something when you're supposed to be working."
"The new owner is great," I told him, winking at Alice. "And I'm not going to start traveling right away." I was getting good when it came to lying. It was slightly startling notice that in the course of those few days, I had learned to rattle off untruths with an ease. "I honestly don't know when I'm going to leave. I'm not sure yet." At least there was one thing in our conversation I could be honest about ― it made me feel oddly relieved. "Stop worrying, Charlie. I'm working things out."
He was silent on the other end for a minute before he sighed. "I know that. You're good at working things out. You've always been very responsible, and I know you're not going to give me gray hairs on purpose."
I had to take a deep breath at that point. "Right. Thanks."
Alice gave me a sympathetic glance, and I somehow managed to bumble my way through the rest of the conversation.
Unexpectedly, handling Renée was slightly more challenging than I had thought. She was excited about my plans and even seemed slightly relieved that I wouldn't have as much responsibility towards the bookstore as I used to have. But during the whole conversation, I had a feeling there was something she wanted to say but just couldn't bring herself to say it.
"What about the man you were talking about when I visited?" she eventually burst out, just as I was getting ready to end our conversation. "The one who gave you the corsage? I got the feeling that you really liked him."
I tried to think fast. "Uh, yeah. I did. I do. But the thing is... I don't think he thinks of me that way." I grimaced. Alice rolled her eyes at me, probably thinking that I had no imagination.
"You don't think he thinks of you that way?" Renée asked.
"I know he doesn't," I kept on lying. "I asked him. It turned out that I was seeing things that weren't there." It was almost painful to lie about something as important as this, but I knew that bringing Carlisle into this was too unsafe. If I had to disappear in one way or another somewhere in the near future, it would be safer and a lot less complicated if I wasn't involved with anyone.
"Oh. Okay." Renée tried to hide her disappointment, but I had always been able to see through her.
"Mom, it's fine," I told her. "He's still my friend. A good friend. That never changed." At least that was true.
"You're not thinking of leaving because of him, though?" she asked. "I know what it's like to have a broken heart, Bella, but - "
"It's not like that," I assured. "I've been mulling over this for a while now, as you know. I know it seems like selling the bookstore is coming out of the blue, but I've been planning on making changes to my life for a long time now. And I can't wait to start traveling again. I really miss it."
That seemed to convince her. When we eventually said goodbyes as we finished the conversation, I felt drained, like I had run a marathon.
"You're getting better at that," Alice commented.
"Wish I didn't have to," I answered, receiving another sympathetic look from her.
Later that day, I got down to making a job advertisement. Alice had offered to take care of those things for me in case I found it too hard, including handling the interviews if someone did apply for the job, but I had refused. I guess I felt like I needed to see this through myself from the beginning to the end. Or maybe I was a masochist, as simple as that.
"You don't have to hire anyone right away," she reminded me when I had been staring at my laptop screen for full five minutes without managing to type anything. "And even if you do find someone you like enough, you don't have to give up your work in here immediately. You can stay for a few weeks and work alongside with the new employee and follow him or her around with a whip and a megaphone and make sure that your beloved books get the treatment they deserve."
I smiled at her attempt of humor, snorting softly. "And what, put the new employee in a time-out if he accidentally tears a page or forgets to kiss the books goodnight?"
Alice shrugged. "For instance."
I gave her another smile but sobered after a while. "I guess. I don't know. A part of me is kind of anxious to get things moving. Don't get me wrong ― I'm not in a hurry to leave all this behind, but... " I gestured around me, my eyes sweeping the tall, wooden bookshelves and the wine-red walls of the store. "But I suppose I don't like to stand still like this, constantly waiting for something. I'd like to leave with my head up, you know? I'd like to know that I have everything taken care of if something sudden happens. I don't want to leave things hanging. If the Volturi make a rash decision to send someone to check up on me..." I let the words die away, knowing that I didn't need to finish the sentence.
Alice nodded. "I understand that. But if it's any comfort to you, the Volturi don't see the passage of time like humans do. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. That's how long they've been around. I wouldn't be surprised if you were fourty before you crossed their minds again." She rolled her eyes, half-serious.
If only it were just the Volturi we have to worry about.
Alice seemed to sense what I was thinking, her expression sobering. "I know what you mean, though. And I understand why you'd rather take action instead of just wait around for problems to come along. Also, Eleazar told me that Aro is more than anxious to see how you'll turn out as a vampire. Therefore, he might think that the sooner you'll be turned, the better."
"He hasn't set a date or anything, has he?" I asked.
Alice shook her head. "He's not planning on sending anyone just yet. Of that I'm sure."
I nodded, relieved. "You know, I was thinking... Eleazar said that Aro would like to meet me in person when I'm fit enough to travel."
"That's right, but I don't know how realistic his wish is at this point. It takes several years for some vampires to perfect their self-control, and therefore the thought of you getting on a plane to Italy with a bunch of humans within a year or so is far from reasonable. That's why I believe that Aro might decide to send someone after a couple of months to see if we've been true to our word, and he'll settle for meeting you in person later. As unpredictable as he is, he's also extremely patient."
I nodded, mulling over what she had just said. "Still, I hate the thought of anyone of them coming here. I don't know why exactly, but even the thought of it makes me feel uneasy."
"You're not the only one," Alice admitted. "Edward told me that when he read Aro's mind, he found out that Jasper's ability to influence emotions intrigued Aro greatly. He has rarely come across such a talent. It's similar to what Corin can do, though her power is more limited..." she mused, pondering.
"Corin?" I asked, unsure if I had heard the name before. It sounded familiar. Eleazar or Carlisle might have mentioned it during the passing week.
"She can make others feels content no matter what the situation, but not much else. Like I said, it's a limited power. Apparently Aro had been impressed by Jasper's ability because it's more versatile, and therefore more effective. That's what Edward said."
"Has Edward been talking about... anything else?" I asked, making Alice raise her black eyebrows. Sighing, I decided to explain. "I haven't caught a single glimpse of him since his return from Italy, even though I've practically spent every evening at your house for the last week. I'd like to have a conversation with him, but he's always gone when I visit. I'm pretty sure he slips out of the house as soon as I arrive, and it's not like I can run after him or anything."
Alice bit her lip in a very human way. "I suppose he doesn't know how to face you. He feels a little guilty about what happened in Alaska. If he hadn't gotten curious and followed that trail in the mountains, after all, he wouldn't have run into Veronique. Therefore he wouldn't have gone to Italy and the Volturi wouldn't have found out about you."
"But like I said a few days ago, if all that hadn't happened, we'd still be in the dark about what the situation really is."
"That's true, but think about how ironic this is for Edward. He kept saying from the beginning that we shouldn't jump to conclusions and assume that the Volturi are behind the vision I keep having of you. He was also against the idea of changing you into a vampire just because he didn't want our actions to be based on that assumption. And now that the Volturi have learned about you through him, hence now forcing us to take action and change you possibly even sooner than we had originally planned..." She shook her head, giving a wry laugh.
"I'm sure his head is pretty much about to explode," I stated dryly.
"Exactly. And he knows that all this could have been avoided if he hadn't run into Veronique. And now that it's confirmed that there's something else behind the vision I keep having of you... let's just say that we have enough things to worry about as it is, and to have the Volturi breathe down our necks isn't exactly making anything easier."
I suppose it was easy to understand why he was avoiding me even more than during the short time he'd spent in Ithaca after Esme's and Miguel's wedding. I had to wonder, though, if he was staying out of my sight just out of guilt. I knew he was avoiding Carlisle as well, which indicated that Edward wasn't exactly okay with what had happened between me and Carlisle during his absence.
My thoughts went to Alice's vision again, even though I knew by now how useless it was to obsess about it. "I was thinking..." I began, hesitating. "What if our interpretation of your vision is, well... wrong?" I asked her. "You've told me that in the vision, I seem to be in pain, as if I'm injured. But what if there is no attacker like we have thought? What if your vision simply has something to do with the moment when I'm being changed?"
Alice frowned, shaking her head. "I've considered it, but it doesn't match."
"How so?"
"Because you're clearly hurt in the vision, as I've told you before. You're bleeding, and calling out to someone."
"Who?" I asked.
She shook her head. "I don't know. It's almost as if... as if it's still uncertain," she murmured, frowning. "Like it's a variable that can still change."
"Has there been any change to the vision? Anything at all?"
Alice hesitated. "It's slightly sharper now, especially compared to what it was last fall when I first saw it. But it's still distant and brief, almost if it's still a long time from happening. Almost like there are conditions that have to change. That's what confuses me. If some has made a conscious choice to attack you, why not act immediately? And what was the thought or decision that brought the vision into being all those months ago?"
"Your guess is as good as mine," I sighed. It unnerved me a bit to notice how casually we were talking about this, and I shook my head, deciding to change the subject. I couldn't afford losing any more sleep; I was tired enough as I was.
My thoughts went to Edward again, to his recent behaviour, and I wondered how long it would take for him to get over what had happened in Alaska. It wasn't as if he had run into that Veronique on purpose.
"What do we know about that vampire who took Edward to Italy?" I suddenly asked, staring idly at the laptop screen.
Alice shrugged. "Not much. Only that she has served the Volturi for a few decades, possibly even a century. Why do you ask?"
"No particual reason. On the night when Edward returned from Italy, I just got the feeling like there was something about her that annoyed him."
"Well, he's still a little irked about running into her in Alaska. And when she was taking Edward to Italy, apparently it turned out that she was rather talented at controlling her thoughts around him. He said that it was almost as if she was trying to hide something from him. Edward is used to being able to get inside other people's heads without an effort. Maybe it frustrated him when Veronique mastered her thoughts so well."
"I guess it's no wonder that he keeps avoiding me then, considering that he can't read my mind at all," I murmured, half joking. "Maybe I annoy him. That would be something."
Alice gave a soft laugh. "I don't think that's the case. It's this sudden turn of events that frustrates him. Anyway, there is a silver lining to all this, as strange as it seems. I think Edward is about to change his tune about turning you. He no longer strongly opposes the idea of you becoming a vampire," she revealed. "Not as much as he used to, at least. Apparently Caius' aggressive stance towards you worries him. As you know, Caius didn't exactly agree with the idea of changing you."
I nodded, lost in my thoughts. "Makes you kind of wonder what he said. It can't have been pretty if it convinced Edward that a vampire life is suddenly a good option for me."
"Well, apparently even Carlisle's patience was running thin when he was negotiating with the Volturi. Eleazar told me that it took all Carlisle had to stay diplomatic with Caius. And if you know Carlisle at all, you know it takes a lot to rile him up."
I was too horrified to think what might have happened if he had lost his patience. At the same time, though, I wasn't surprised to hear that he had managed to stay civil even in such a difficult situation.
I suddenly found myself yearning for his calm company. Not that it was an unexpected yearning, nor did the strength and intensity of the feeling confuse me. Even though I saw him every day, I'd lately felt like we hadn't had the chance to spend enough time with each other, just me and him. During the last few days, I had spent most of my free time in Ithaca, preparing for my upcoming time as a vampire, and that hadn't left us much time to be with each other. I still didn't know for sure if anyone knew about us, except for Alice and Jasper ― and Edward, of course. We weren't openly affectionate with each other when we were around others, except for the occasional hand-hold. To be honest, I hadn't had much time or energy to think about telling the others about Carlisle and me. What had happened in Italy seemed to have pushed all those things aside for now. There was simply too much going on, and it almost felt wrong to stay quiet about it when all I sometimes wanted to do was to declare it to the whole world. It was a contradictory feeling; one moment all I did was to worry about the Volturi and my human life that was coming to an end, and in the next moment I thought that none of that counted, in the end; that no matter what happened, whatever would come to pass, I knew I wouldn't have to go through it alone. There would be someone standing by my side every step of the way.
And now you sound like a greeting card, I thought to myself.
"You're rolling your eyes at your own thoughts," Alice noted, making me glance up from my laptop screen.
"Oh. I'm surprised you aren't suffering from the same problem yourself."
She huffed and pulled out a fashion magazine from her bag, giving me a miffed look before hiding behind it. I bit down a laugh and turned to the laptop screen again, trying to focus on finishing the job ad. I began to type half-heartedly, some optimistic part of me reminding me that maybe there was a bookworm out there who was just like me, and who'd be just as enchanted by the store than I was when he or she would step inside for the very first time. That thought was enough to help me carry on.
After getting off wrong work that day, Alice took me to Ithaca again, just like on most evenings during the past week. It had been raining today ― the first proper rain since last fall ― but when the twilight turned to darkness, the roads began to glisten with ice as the temperature dropped below zero again. Alice gave me a confused glance when I rolled down the window of the car and let the cold wind stream past my face. It didn't quite smell like spring yet, but it was close.
I suddenly wished that I could get to experience the upcoming spring as a human. Just this one last spring. I had no idea if that wish could be fulfilled. Most likely not; as soon as I would get everything arranged at the bookstore, I was ready to leave. I had to be.
Alice's question stopped my stream of thoughts; it was almost like she had sensed what I was thinking.
"So," she began. "Have you made a bucket list yet?"
I turned to give her a surprised glance.
"You know," she explained. "The list of things you want to do before you die ― or in this case, things you want to do before you become a vampire."
"I know what a bucket list is," I told her, rolling my eyes. "But uh, no. I have never actually thought about making one. Maybe it would make life too much of a performance. I don't want to write down a thousand things that I should do before my life ends and then feel obligated to do them. Most people like to write down things that will force them out of their comfort zone, and I happen to like mine."
"Well, the list is usually about things you want to do, not about things you should do. Things you feel passionate about. Dreams you'd like to fulfill. You don't have to go bungee jumping or take skydiving lessons or anything like that."
"Hmm." I closed my eyes for a moment, letting the cold night air brush against my face for a while more.
"Bella, you're worse than some dogs. You're going to give yourself a cold."
Laughing, I opened my eyes and rolled up the window. Then I sighed, leaning my head against the headrest, and for a moment I thought about what she had said.
"I don't know," I murmured. "I've already done many things I feel passionate about. And I've also done things that have surprised me. I've studied, I've bought a bookstore and found a job that I love, I've traveled, I've fallen in love, I've taken a kickboxing class ― "
"What? When?"
I gave a soft laugh. "Two years ago. Adrian made me do it. Or not exaclty ― he didn't make me do it, he bet me that I wouldn't have the guts to participate in a class with fifteen men and not a single woman."
Alice laughed. "How did it go?"
"Fine. I took the class for six months and won the bet."
She shook her head, looking both amused and taken aback. "Wow. Well, Bella, I didn't see that one coming. Pun intended."
I laughed, and she gave me a glance, smiling. "So, no bucket list?"
I shook my head. "I don't think so."
Alice shrugged and turned to look at the road again. I mulled over our conversation, wondering if I was being naive or otherwise thoughtless. Because how could one have too much life, too many experiences? Was it arrogant to think that I had done pretty much everything I had wanted to do by now, at least when it came to things that I saw most important?
Then I remembered what I had told Carlisle a few nights ago.
Whatever happens... whatever comes to pass... I have no regrets. None. I promise you that.
I thought about the words I had said, and suddenly I felt peaceful again. Because I knew that I had been sincere with Alice just now, and I also knew that my words to Carlisle had been sincere as well.
Because in my heart, I knew that where it really counted, I truly had no regrets.
"The transformation can last roughly from two to five days. It depends on how much venom there is in the bloostream, and how close to the heart the venom enters."
I nodded slowly at Carlisle's words as he explained the course of the transformation to me. That had been our topic of conversation for the past hour or so. Most of the Cullens were present; they were scattered around the living room, either sitting down or standing. Everyone seemed to have something to say when it came to this matter ― the transformation process was something they could all remember of their human lives.
Only Edward was missing from the room. Apparently he had decided to remain faithful to his habits and leave the house the moment I stepped in.
"My change took a little over four days," Miguel spoke up, glancing at me. His expression was hesitant, as if he wasn't quite sure if he should have told me that. Maybe he thought that I might find the information troubling. "But it's my understanding that it's not very common for the change to last that long."
Eleazar agreed. "The vampire who attacked you only meant to feed on you," he mused, looking at him. "Therefore there musn't have been a lot of blood in your system, and your attacker had no reason to inject you with a lot of venom in order to immobilize you. If the amount of venom and blood in the system is low, the transformation takes longer." He turned to look at me. "The spread of the venom is slower compared to how fast blood moves through the blood vessels. That's because the venom is thicker than blood. But it's the reconstruction of cells that takes the most time, and that is eventually the reason why the transformation lasts so long."
Carlisle nodded at Eleazar's words and looked at me. "We aren't very sure of the details since the transformation process is something no one has had the chance to study very closely. It's not exactly something you can experiment on. But we believe that the venom must saturate every cell in the body before the process is complete. Depending on where the venom enters the bloodstream, it first makes its way throughout the body and heart before it starts meeting itself in the veins. Then it will burn all the veins until your heart stops beating."
I nodded again. My lips felt cold, but I tried not to show how disturbing all this information really was. I kept telling myself that all of them had survived the change ― why wouldn't I? Of course I acknowledged that it would hurt like hell ― apparently it felt like you were burning alive ― but for the sake of my mental health, I kept reassuring myself over and over again that it wouldn't kill me. Pain was just pain.
Right?
I cleared my throat quietly, trying to figure out something to say or ask. I didn't want to sit there all tongue-tied.
"What if there is much damage to the body?" I asked, unsure if I wanted to hear the answer. "Does it have an effect on how long the transformation lasts?"
"If there are a lot of broken blood vessels, it can slow down the spread of the venom. Or if there is a major trauma to the bones, for instance, the reconstruction of cells takes longer," Carlisle explained. He glanced at Esme who was sitting on the couch next to Miguel. "Esme's transformation took longer than Edward's, for instance, because her injuries differed a lot from his. She had several broken bones, whereas Edward was dying from Spanish influenza, as you know. I've seen vampire venom work miracles, but there are conditions even venom can't overcome. If there is a heart failure, for instance, before the venom reaches the heart..."
I nodded, understanding, and took a slow breath.
"We've been considering if there are ways to numb or at least lessen the pain the venom causes," Eleazar said, drawing my attention back to him.
"Oh?" I quirked my brow in surprise, not having expected this. I had thought that the agony of the transformation was sort of a given. That there was no possible way around it, and I just had to suck it up and deal with it.
"I've been considering if enough morphine could take the worst edge off the pain," Carlisle told me. "I attempted it with Emmett, but the venom had sealed the veins before the morphine had the chance to spread. The morphine was an afterthought in that situation, though ― I should have given it before biting him, of course, but he was losing blood so fast that I was forced to act before it was too late. I've been thinking that it might work with you, though. If I gave you enough morphine before injecting the venom into your bloodstream..."
I considered his suggestion, a spark of hope igniting somewhere within me. Maybe I wouldn't have to feel like I was burning at the stake for several days. The relief was short-lived, though, as I suddenly remembered that I'd had morphine and venom together in my bloodstream before. I remembered the dark ballet studio, the sharp smell of gasoline, Carlisle's calm voice as he was trying to stop the bleeding in my head... I remembered Edward's voice, begging, pleading... I remembered the sharp, scalding pain in my hand where James had bitten me...
"Bella?"
Realizing that I had zoned out, I raised my gaze at Carlisle's voice, meeting his eyes. Frowning, I searched for words.
"How much morphine did you give me... at the ballet studio in Phoenix nine years ago?" I asked, hesitating.
Eleazar gave me a puzzled glance, then turned to look at Carlisle who was now also frowning, apparently having a hunch about where I was going with this.
"A considerable amount," he answered. "Why do you ask?"
I bit my lip, still hesitating. "I admit that my memory from that day is a little fuzzy, but I can easily remember what it felt like when the venom began to spread in my hand after James had bitten me. I don't remember the morphine having any effect on the pain."
Carlisle looked disappointed, though I could see that he tried to hide it. "I see. That is good to know. We might have to reconsider it, then."
"I'm sorry," I told him.
He shook his head, giving me a swift smile. "Don't apologize. When it comes to these things, any new information is always useful."
"How about a larger dose?" Eleazar suggested.
Carlisle nodded, his eyes reflective. "It's worth considering."
Their deliberation went on for some time, and soon they were so deeply engrossed in conversation that the others dropped out. After a moment, Emmett and Miguel began to think back their own transformations, sharing their rather vivid memories from their last human moments. Their descriptions became eventually so graphic that at times it was difficult to listen, but at the same time I couldn't stop listening. It was like watching the proverbial train wreck about to happen ― you just couldn't look away. Esme chided them gently after a while, apparently noticing that their conversation didn't exactly lift my spirits.
Something in my peripheral vision suddenly caught my attention, and I glanced sideways towards the large window overlooking the garden. It was dark outside, but the garden was dimly lit with lamps and ice lanters; apparently Alice had kept busy again. Frowning, I stared outside and wondered what it was that I had seen. Just as I was about to turn away, nearly convinced that I had only imagined it, I saw it again. A quick flash of bronze in the far end of the garden. Edward.
It was the first time I had seen him since his return from Italy. Deciding that this couldn't go on forever, I stood up from where I was sitting and looked at Carlisle. He had stopped talking to Eleazar, his gaze lingering on the window for a moment before he met my glance. Apparently he had also seen what I had.
I inclined my head towards the glass doors leading to the garden. He gave me a small nod, his brow furrowing slightly as he exchanged a look with Eleazar.
The rest of the Cullens didn't pay much attention to me as I grabbed my coat from the back of the chair where I had left it when I'd arrived. Or maybe they only pretended not to notice as I slipped through the double doors and outside into the cold night.
It was a good thing that the garden had lighting; the sky was utterly black. No moon tonight. I kept my eyes on the ground as I made my way along the winding, paved path, trying to evade the spots where the melting snow had created icy puddles. I didn't raise my gaze until I had reached the end of the garden where the woods began. I stopped beside the old bird bath that stood under the huge oak, and I looked around me, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the darkness.
It took a while before I spotted him standing amongst the trees.
Wrapping my arms around myself and trying to keep the cold night air at bay, I looked at him. Just looked, not saying anything for a while. Edward's eyes were dark. Maybe it was the lack of light, or maybe he hadn't hunted in a while.
"Still not a fan of crowds, are you?" I asked when it looked like it wasn't going to be him starting the conversation.
Edward remained silent for a while more. "What makes you say that?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe the fact that you're standing here all alone when the rest of us are inside? I just figured that you either avoid company, or..." I let my words die away.
"Or?" He prodded. His voice was remote, slightly formal, as though he was addressing a stranger.
"Or then you're avoiding just me," I finished my sentence, giving him a piercing look.
There was another moment of silence. I then thought that he was going to keep this up for longer than I had patience for, but he surprised me. I saw him push away from the tree trunk he'd been leaning into and motioned with his head towards the woods behind him.
"Take a walk with me," he asked, his voice still more or less unemotional.
The thought of taking a walk in the pitch black woods this late in the evening didn't exactly sound ideal. There was still a light layer of snow on the ground, and my mind went to the treacherous roots and fallen branches hiding under the icy crust. Good thing that I was wearing boots.
Edward seemed to have guessed where my mind was. "Don't worry. There's a path. It goes about a few miles away from the house."
"Oh. Okay." I took a step forward as he turned around towards the trees, and I took a glance over my shoulder to look at the house before following him. I wondered why he wanted to take me for a walk – maybe he wanted to have a conversation in private. If so, I wondered how far away we had to go to achieve that.
The path wasn't as slippery as I had expected. Even so, our pace was rather slow at first, but after a few minutes of walking, my eyes had adjusted to the dark. The path got wider at one point, and after a while Edward matched his pace to mine to walk beside me instead of ahead of me. He gave me a glance and seemed to evaluate my expression. It bothered me a bit that he could see my face with perfect clarity when I couldn't see his.
"So," I said to break the silence. "What is it that you wanted to talk about?"
Edward stopped, turning to face me. "I was under the impression that it was you who wanted to talk to me."
I stopped as well. "True," I granted, "but it was you who suggested that we take a walk. That kind of leaves me under the impression that you might have something to say as well."
He studied my face – or that's what I thought, at least. I heard him draw in a deep, silent breath.
"First of all, it hasn't been my intention to avoid you," he began. "I'm sorry if I've given you the impression that I sneak out of the backdoor as soon and you step inside the house," he told me.
"Okay." I frowned, shoving my hands into my pockets to protect my fingers from the cold. "Why haven't I seen you before now, then? I've spent almost every evening at the house this past week."
I saw the motion of his shoulders as he shrugged. "I haven't been around the house much during the last couple of days, to be honest. It has little to do with trying to avoid you."
"So you're practically avoiding everyone, then?" I asked, trying to understand what it was that he wanted to say. "Ever since your return from Italy – "
I could faintly see Edward turn his head away. Even though I couldn't see his face properly, I knew that every muscle in his jaw had tensed. I heard his teeth snap together.
His reaction didn't surprise me. Of course what had happened with the Volturi was bothering him.
"Edward," I said, speaking quietly. "Whatever happened in Italy... and whatever occurred that eventually led you there... you have to find a way to move on from it."
He shook his head. "I'm not at all sure if I can do that."
"Be rational. If you hadn't run into that Veronique in Alaska, we never would have found out that the Volturi didn't know about me to begin with. Isn't it better to know what the situation really is rather than have a false understanding of it?"
"So do you think that things have gotten better now? Now that there are two threats hanging over your head instead of one?" he asked. His voice was chillingly calm. "We still don't know who's behind the vision Alice keeps having of you. We didn't need the Volturi to be thrown in the mix."
"Maybe not. But nothing has really changed when you think about it. Not where it really counts."
"Really?" Edward gave a sardonic laugh.
"I'd already made the decision to become of you. It doesn't matter whether or not the Volturi knew about me before. Not anymore. They know about me now, and we can't turn back time and change that. You have to accept this. I have." Edward stayed silent, making me sigh. "Before this whole Italy thing had even happened, Carlisle considered paying the Volturi a visit in order to buy me more time to stay human. I'm sure you heard about his plans. Back then we were still under the impression that the Volturi knew about me. If Carlisle he had decided to go through with it and visit the Volturi, and if it had turned out to be him instead of you who exposed my existence to them, do you think I would have held a grudge against him because it? No. Just like I don't hold a grudge against you now, or anyone else who might have turned out to be in your position. You were just the victim of the circumstances."
"I also created those circumstances. I shouldn't have followed that trail in Alaska. But I did. I made a conscious decision to go after it, even though I knew it wasn't worth the risk. But I did it anyway, just because I was curious."
"Was it just curiousity?" I asked carefully.
My question seemed to throw him off. He was silent for a beat. "What do you mean?"
I hesitated. "Alice said that you had trouble deciding where to go after you left the Denalis. She said that you needed some time alone... and I just wonder if you followed that trace in the mountains because you were upset or frustrated or angry..." I paused, drawing in a deep breath, "because of me and Carlisle."
It was dead silent. I stared at the statue in front of me, once again wishing that I could see his face.
"I'm still not accusing you of anything," I told him when he didn't break his silence. "I just want to know how you feel about this matter. It bothers me that I don't know what you think about it. About Carlisle and me."
Edward remained silent for a long while. I pinched my mouth shut, deciding that this time it would be him who was going to talk. I was ready to stand there all night if it was necessary. I had time.
There was a quiet exhale in the darkness, something like a pensive sigh. "You really don't know how I feel about it?" Edward asked quietly. "How do you think I feel about it?"
"I have hunch," I answered dryly. "But I guess I just wanted you to come out and say it, straightforward, if you had something to say. I don't care how unpleasant it is. Even back in Forks, you never talked to me about things that bothered you. I would like to end that pattern right here and now."
He sighed again. I heard the motion of his hand as he raked his fingers through his hair. "I don't know how to feel about it, to be honest," he murmured eventually. "It's not exactly easy, the thought of you and him together. It's weird for me... for so many reasons."
I nodded. "Okay. I get that."
There was another moment of silence. "Are you saying... that it wasn't at all weird for you, then? Not at any point?"
I thought about it carefully before answering. "Way before anything had even happened between us, when I had just begun to see him in a different light... I guess it was a little, I don't know, startling. But I wouldn't say weird. And when I eventually realized what I felt for him, and when I found out that he felt the same way... it never felt wrong. It just felt right, like it was supposed to happen." I paused, searching for words. There were none; how were you supposed to put things like this into an understandable explanation?
"How long?" Edward suddenly asked, surprising me. I found it hard to read his tone. "How long have you felt this way for him?"
I shook my head. "I don't know if I can answer that. When Carlisle came to Buffalo to watch over me last fall... well, it was obvious that we spent a lot of time together. I befriended him, and that's how I saw him for a long time – as a friend. Eventually the changes in my feelings happened so... stealthily. Slowly. And at the same time, though, it caught me unawares," I mused. "Like I had suddenly been dropped into a different world I had never been in. Like everything around me was familiar in one moment and very different in the next."
It took a while before Edward spoke again. For some reason, this time his silence seemed more significant than before.
"It sounds like... he had an impact on you like no one else ever had."
I had to think carefully what to say next, knowing that I should be honest, but also knowing that my honesty would hurt him in one way or another. Before I could say anything, though, Edward spoke again. His voice was quiet.
"It's alright. You don't have to say anything. It was unfair of me to say that."
I bit my lip. "Edward..." I hesitated, taking a deep breath. "Despite everything that happened to us in the end... despite the fact how everything went down... I want you to know that I treasure the time that I got to spend with you. I always will. That's why I was so heartbroken after you left. I felt like you took a piece of me with you, and in a way... I will never get it back, that piece." I paused, no longer trying to distinguish his face in the darkness. "I can't go back to feeling what I felt for you all those years ago, but it doesn't mean that I don't care about you still. You're the first person I fell in love with, after all. That kind of has an impact on a person, too. A great impact."
He didn't say anything for a few seconds. "I may have been the first," he spoke softly. "But not the last. I guess a part of me still wishes that I would have been just that. The last." He sighed. "I know I don't have the right to say that. I know I gave up that right when I decided to leave. And if I had to make that decision again..." I could faintly see him shake his head. "I don't know what I would do, to be honest. What I would decide."
His words surprised me less than they should have. I hugged my arms to my chest, wondering what to say to that, wondering if I might have felt the same way had I been in his position.
A shiver rippled through me. I was getting chilly – the night was surprisingly cold – but I tried not to pay attention to it. I had a feeling that the chance to talk to Edward like this was one of a kind.
A question pierced the silence. A quiet, hesitant question. "Do you love him?"
I drew in a deep breath. It sounded loud in the silence of the night. "You know the answer to that."
That gave him a pause. He stood still for a moment before I saw him incline his head as an acknowledgement. I studied him as well as I could in the darkness, the posture of his shoulders, the shadows on his face... For the tenth time I wished that I could see his eyes. So I could have at least a small chance to find out what was through his head.
But I couldn't see his eyes. Words were the only thing I could rely on.
"Will you be okay about this?" I asked. "Someday?"
Edward hesitated. "I don't know," he answered slowly. "I know I haven't exactly tried be understanding for these past couple of weeks, but..." He let out a deep, silent breath. "I can't make any promises at this point. All I can say is that I can try to make an effort. Carlisle... well, Carlisle deserves it. And so do you." He paused. I heard the rustle of his coat as he crossed his arms over his chest. "He was alone for over two centuries before he found Esme. And he ended up losing her. I keep reminding myself of that. I know he says that he didn't lose her, not where it really counts, but... despite what he says, he was very alone after Esme and Miguel had met each other. We were all worried about him. I suppose... deep down I'm glad that it's over for him now. Loneliness." He paused for a beat. "If I were a better man, I would have taken example of how he once related to Esme and Miguel when I found out about his feelings for you. But I'm not. Carlisle outshines me in many other ways as well."
"You don't give yourself enough credit," I said quietly.
"And you give me too much... if you think that this is something I can get over easily."
"I don't think that," I told him. "I don't have the right to ask or expect something like that from you. And I'm not going to start blurting out a bunch of clichés and demand us to be friends. If that is something you're not ready for, I understand. I just want you to know that if you someday change your mind about it, I'll be here."
I waited for him to talk, and at first I thought that he wouldn't say anything. But then he spoke, his tone once again difficult to read. "I just need some time," he murmured. "I don't know how long."
I nodded. "I understand."
"And Carlisle?"
''You know Carlisle," I murmured. "His capacity to understand nears a supernatural ability sometimes."
It was silent again. "I know. It does."
We stood there for a long time, me and him. The dark woods around us was silent, and I suddenly thought about another moonless night in the woods several years ago. I thought about how different we were from those two people who had once stood on a similar path all that time ago. We had both been afraid, back then; one of leaving and the other of staying behind.
And once again, as we stood there, I sort of felt like he was leaving again. Like he was a distance way even though he was right there in front of me. But then I wondered if it was the opposite – perhaps it was him staying behind this time while I moved on from what had been before.
Time. He just needs time.
I heard the rustle of his clothes as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. It caught my attention – Edward never fidgeted. It was almost as if he was nervous about something he was going to say.
"For what it's worth, Bella..." My name rolled off his tongue uncertainly. His tone was different than before, almost formal again, and I knew he had changed the subject. "I owe you an apology for putting you into the position you are now in. My actions are the reason why the Volturi know about you." He gave a joyless laugh. "It's rather ironic that I wanted to do everything I could to keep you safe, and I ended up doing the exact opposite. And I'm not just talking about what happened in Italy. I'm also talking about the actions I took and the decisions I made over eight years ago. Like I told you a moment ago, I don't know what I would do if I had to make that decision again. The answer should be easy when you think about it. If I had agreed to change you back then, we wouldn't be standing here talking about this right now. You wouldn't be in danger. Many things would be different."
I nodded. "Why is it so hard to think of making a different decision, then? If you now could?"
Edward's voice was more quiet now; he was looking down at the ground. "Because that's how important I thought it was... to give you a chance at a normal life. That's how much I treasured you humanity. I still do."
"But you don't treasure it over my life," I said. "Do you?"
It was a moment before he answered. Perhaps he was hesitating with what he was about to say, or perhaps he wanted to make sure with himself that his answer would be sincere. Honest.
His answer was just a whisper. "How could I?"
A quiet breath left my lips at his words. Even though my decision to become a vampire hadn't depended on Edward's opinion, I felt a little lighter now, knowing that he had begun to accept my choice, at least on some level. I didn't say anything to him, but instead reached out for his hand. He hesitated for a beat before loosening his arms from his chest and clasping my hand in his own, his hold tightening momentarily before letting my hand slip from his grasp again.
It wasn't an agreement or reconciliation, but maybe it was the first step towards those things.
A/N: Alice's phrase "Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. That's how long they've been around. I wouldn't be surprised if you were fourty before you crossed their minds again." is borrowed from New Moon, except that it was Edward who spoke the words. The original line goes like this: "Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again."
When Alice signs off the papers regarding the purchase of Bella's bookstore, she uses the name Rachel Lee. There's an outtake chapter on Stephenie Meyer's website that didn't make it to the book Twilight. In that outtake, Alice uses a credit card that says Rachel Lee.
The following quote is taken from Breaking Dawn, "I've seen vampire venom work miracles, but there are conditions even venom can't overcome." and Edward's following phrase is a quote from New Moon: "Carlisle outshines me in many other ways as well."
Throughout the story, I've received worried questions about Edward and if he'll end up happy or not. In the novels, Edward's character had many features I liked but sometimes he also annoyed me to no end. It doesn't mean that I'm willing to bash his character, but I do try to make his behaviour and reactions as realistic as possible. And about whether he'll have a happy ending or not... let's just say that it's not the goal of this story to try to make him as miserable as possible, so you can rest assured. That's all I'm going to say :)
A huge thank you for everyone who voted me/my story in the TwiFic Fandom Awards! I didn't make it to Round 2 (congratulations for those who did!), but the nomination itself was extremely flattering! :)
