Joe's Point of View.

Our families leave the hospital after a while, and it's just the four of us again. Me, Demi, Demi's mom and my mom.

Joella's only able to be out of the incubator for a little while at a time, because she still doesn't know how to control her temperature properly. The doctor said it's normal, but Joella's temper is very touchy. It doesn't take much to set her off and make her cry, but it seems like she's a sweet little baby.

We're allowed to give her a sponge bath later on tonight and the doctor is going to teach Demi how to feed her from her breast.

Personally, I don't think that Demi should be able to feed our baby if she still has that shit in her system, but I guess it's okay if the doctor says it is.

I don't know. Maybe I'm being mean to Demi. But I just can't believe her. I seriously can't. Me and her talked about this whenever she first found out. She swore to me that she'd stop. She lied to me.

And she hurt our baby. Joella won't be able to get out of his hospital for another eight weeks. She has to pass a buttload of tests before we can take her home.

I watch while Demi's doctor performs a couple tests on Joella. I think Joella's sleeping, because she doesn't cry or whine, even whenever Jade pricks her heel to test her blood.

Some blonde haired doctor comes into the room with us and checks on Demi. I don't want to, but I listen to what he's saying anyway.

"Scale of 1-10, how's the pain?" He asks her. He touches her gingerly on her arms.

"It's only an eight…" Demi whispers to him. She's talking at the ground as if she's afraid to look up at him.

"An eight's too high for me. Let's take a look." He unlaces her gown and pulls it down over her shoulders.

She has some pretty nasty bruises on her shoulders. They're in the shape of my handprints.

"I'll go get your x-rays developed and I'll see about them tomorrow. In the meantime, I'll give you some more shots to numb the pain so that you can sleep tonight. It seems like there's some pretty bad nerve damage in here, but I'll take a further look tomorrow morning. I don't want to cut in on your mommy time again." He grabs a long needle and injects something into Demi's shoulder blade. She winces.

"Thanks…" Demi whispers to him. The doctor gives her a welcoming smile and gathers his things and leaves the room.

I focus back on Joella again. She's resting peacefully under the light. She has a tube up her nose. She is gorgeous.

I hear something crash to the floor behind me.

I turn around and look to see what it was.

Demi is trying to feed herself, but she dropped her tray of food onto the floor. She looks pathetic.

Serves her right.


Demi's Point of View.

I feel like poop, to say the least. I'll explain.

I feel like I don't really have a purpose to be alive anymore. I screwed up so bad. My mom won't talk to me. She said "she just doesn't know what to say." My dad came to the hospital, my mom told him about my mistake, and then that was it for him. He held Joella. Kissed her. Cuddled with her. Looked at me. Shook his head. And left. Joe hates me. He's being so harsh and standoffish to me.

Not to mention, I feel pretty bad physically too.

I'm really hungry and I can't hold a fork without dropping everything because my hands and arms are numb. I have a really strange headache. The kind of headache that comes from my eyes, not my actual head. Between my legs, I feel like I crapped out a knife and the stitches in my crotch are really uncomfortable. I just don't feel good. I just want to lay down and sleep. And maybe never wake up.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to open up a granola bar when your fingers are numb? I just want to eat to shut the nagging hunger in my stomach up.

I suppose I deserve all this. The whole being looked down upon and ashamed of.

Nobody has showed me any kindness lately except for Jade. And she'll be leaving soon, after we bathe and feed Joella.

I think Joella has to go sleep in the NICU tonight, which is a place where they put babies so they can get better. I have to sleep in this hospital bed. It's not exactly uncomfortable, I just don't feel like I'll be able to sleep whenever my arms feel the way they do.

I manage to tear open my granola bar. I lean my head forward and lift my hand as best as I can. I can't make it to my mouth.

I put the granola bar down and sigh.

I feel bad about how this older nurse is cleaning up the mess I made by dropping my tray on the ground. If I could, I'd get out of this bed and help her.

She cleans up the tray of turkey and mashed potatoes that I had and she's a good sport about it. I make a mental note to hand her a $20 bill before I leave here. I should've been cleaning it up. It's my mess.

My stomach roars loudly and I have to really try hard to not cry.

I'm one of those people that like to have a reason behind everything. And I think the reason behind me not being able to feed myself is the fact that I don't really deserve to eat right now.

I lean down and wipe my tears on the shoulder of my shirt.

Quietly, Joe walks over to my bed. He doesn't say anything to me at all. He grabs the box of Chinese food that Nick brought for me and leaves the room with it.

I thought Nick brought that for me… but if Joe's hungry, I guess he can have it. I can't feed it to myself anyway.

When Joe's gone, I don't feel so embarrassed anymore, so I just let myself cry.

I have to be alone to cry the way I'm crying right now.

You ever been to a shopping mall and you see a little lost child who's sobbing really hard and wanting his mommy to come back? That's how I'm crying.

The only difference between me and the little child is that my mommy isn't looking for me too. And my mommy really isn't coming back to me.

I sniff hard and bite my lip hard to keep back the wails. I don't want to wake Joella up with my relentless sobbing.

Joe walks back in the room and I pull myself together really fast. The tears still won't stop, but my sobbing has let up.

He's still quiet. He has the box of Chinese food in his hand and a fork and a can of soda.

That food smells so good that my stomach growls again.

Joe walks over to me and sets the food down on the table next to me. He pulls the little bed-tray out and puts the food in front of me on the bed-tray. He sits in front of me on the bed.

He reaches out and grabs my chin softly. He strokes my face. He uses the pads of his fingers and wipes my tears.

He stabs some chicken and rice on the fork, blows on it and holds it by my mouth. I lean in and eat it.

"…What you did… was really… Stupid, Demi." His voice is really soft for me as he feeds me some more food.

"….I know. and I'm really sorry." More tears spill over my eyelids and I can't stop.

"Stop crying… stop crying. You have to stop crying." He tilts the can of soda to my lips.

I drink a little.

"Stop crying, beautiful. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm really sorry for hurting you like that. I love you… you just made a mistake." He kisses my cheek.

"No… don't apologize to me. I'm sorry. It's my fault. I deserved it, Joe…"

"No, Demi. Get that out of your head. I don't care what you did. You didn't deserve for me to hurt you. I'm sorry." He continues to feed me the food.

"But…"

"Just shut up, Demi. Don't say anything… I'm sorry baby girl." He kisses my shoulders. "Are you full?"

"…Yes."

Jade walks in the room wheeling a cart. "Joella said she's tired of being stinky."

I crack a smile at that. I really missed holding her.

Joe cleans up my area that I had the food and clears out a spot on the bed to lay the baby. He walks over to her and picks her up. It's so funny to see big, humungous Joe holding a tiny small baby.

"Waaake up, pretty lady. Wake up." Jade croons to her.

Joella squirms in Joe's arms but she's still. Joe lies her down on my bed and I get a really good look at her again.

I don't think she can get any more beautiful. She's such a perfect little baby.

"What you guys are gonna do is sponge-bathe her. She might fuss a little, but that's only because she's cold. In order to keep her warm, only do one body part at a time." Jade explains and hands me a little yellow sponge.

I dip it into the water that's on the cart that Jade was pushing. The water is really hot.

Joe's busy taking off Joella's blanket.

I haven't seen her from the waist down yet. I'm excited to see what her little buttcheeks look like and stuff.

I scrub her little feet with plain warm water first. She clenches her toes under and moans. I lean forward and kiss her feet. It's really hard for me to wash her up with numb fingers, but I'm determined to bathe my baby.

I take off her diaper. She has a little smidge of thick, tar-like poop in her diaper. "…Did you leave me a present?" My first dirty diaper… I don't know how to feel about this.

I've seen my mom change Madison before. So I know that I'm supposed to wipe the poop off her butt with the diaper before I clean her off.

I wipe her with the diaper and start washing her butt. "Oh my goodness, Joe looky!" I exclaim and I point to her butt. She has a light brown heart-shaped birthmark on her ass. It's so cute.

Joe, of course snaps a picture of it.

"…Did you tell them yet?" I'm almost done bathing Joella. I'm finishing off with her head. Her hair is so thick and fluffy.

"Tell who?" Joe asks.

"…The press?"

"I thought I should ask you first…" He hands me a diaper to put on her.

That really means something. Throughout my entire pregnancy, nobody has ever asked me how I felt about anything. He's asking me now…

"…I guess they have to know sometime. Just make sure you let me know what you post." I strap a new diaper on Joella.

I can tell that Joe is super happy to tell people about our baby. He stands off to the side of Joella and snaps a picture of her hospital bracelet. It takes him a moment to type what he wants to type, but he posts the tweet. He hands me his phone when he's done and takes over on dressing the baby.

I read his tweet.

He has the most adorable picture of Joella. It's not even of her face and it's REALLY adorable. Her little foot is clenched with a pink bandaid on her heel where Jade pricked her foot to check her blood. All that is visible is her hospital bracelet, her tiny little foot and her chubby little ankle.

Along with the picture, he wrote: I guess she couldn't wait any longer to see the world. Everybody, meet Joella Sophia Jonas. Born September 3rd at 1:45 a.m. She is 5 pounds and 6 ounces of pure cuteness! :)

"Is it okay to post?" He asks.

"It's perfect." I say.

I pick Joella up and hold her in my arms.

You know, I don't know if I'm ever really going to forgive myself.

And It's going to take a whole lot of work for me to fully even be able to look at myself in the mirror again.

But it's not perfect right now.

And that's what makes it perfect.