La la la I CAN'T HEAR YOU la la la la…
Okay…today…it's time for…awkward pauses…and writing…yeah…writing…why am I doing this…I dunno…felt like it…it's smegging fun…to scare you people…I mean…what?
Moving on. Sorry about the minor delay. Fan fiction dot net was rebooting or whatever they do right on Friday when I update, and I couldn't log in, hence I couldn't update until now. HERE'S THE NEXT CHAPTER!
Chapter Twenty Nine
I LOVE YOU VENDING MACHINE
In which things get wierder still
"H…Q?" asked Ebony Crow in horror.
"They've completely taken over the base!" said Red Dwarf frantically. "They've done it all! They've captured our best women, they've raided our supplies, they've burned our records, they've deleted all the ten thousand screen caps we have of Seto and the wallpapers-"
Ebony Crow gasped in disgust.
"-and they've turned it into their base!" cried Red Dwarf. "We were going to lead an attack against…but our best agents were hunting down that Tish woman and-"
"This is my fault," said Ebony Crow darkly. "You needed me…you needed me more than anything else…and I wasn't there…I let them take that place…I'm so sorry…"
"Don't be sorry woman!" yelled Red Dwarf. "Perhaps you haven't noticed, but we need to crack down on whoever the heck is behind it, and bring them to justice! Which means that we need your superior talents to beat them down!"
"I failed you too many times," said Ebony Crow, sinking to the ground in front of her master. "I am no use to you now. Cast me aside as you should. Let the dubbers take me. There's nothing left to my sinful life anymore…"
"Are you still harping on the fact that you joined us halfway through the series when Battle City was most of the way through, and you used to hate Seto Kaiba?" asked Red Dwarf, as Ebony Crow gazed up. "Look, nobody cares, okay? Better a late fan than a no fan for all I'm concerned. What matters now is that you need to get back in the game!"
"Don't waste your kindness on me…" said Ebony Crow.
"STOP BEING ANGSTY AND HELP!" yelled Red Dwarf.
"I still feel worthless…" said Ebony Crow.
"We'll deal with that later!" yelled Red Dwarf. "Right now, I need your help! Please, if you're so dedicated, I need that dedication the most now!"
Ebony Crow looked at Red Dwarf, tears streaming down her face.
"I said you can be angsty later!" said Red Dwarf.
"Right, sorry," said Ebony Crow, getting up.
---ooo---
"Whoa! This place is really dark Odion!" said Marik. "DARKER THAN THE OCEAN, DARKER THAN THE SEA, DARKER THAN THE UNDERWEAR MY MOMMIE PUTS ON ME. SEE!"
"That's fascinating…" said Odion, as the two continued on their journey to the center of the school through a long, tunnel-like hallway that was lined with lamps. "I can't help but think that there'd be some sort of booby traps or something lining the entranceway to the core…these dubbers don't seem like the type that messes around."
"You're so paranoid Odion!" said Marik. "You act like someone's going to jump out and kill us! SERIOUSLY!"
"Well do dark clouds that looks suspicioulsly like a mystical booby trap like the one right ahead of us count?" asked Odion, pointing out to a huge, black mass of fog that completely blocked the path in front of them.
"Well notice how it isn't jumping out and killing us!" said Marik.
That's when huge knife whizzed out of nowhere and clipped a huge bit of his platinum blonde hair off as it sped by.
"Notice how that didn't kill me!" said Marik.
Another knife ripped out of the darkness, and skewered his pants as it flew by, ripping them off and flying off to the end of the hallway.
"That's no problem!" said Marik. "Now everyone can see mah smexy legs and mah smexy chest!"
"DON'T ENCOURAGE THEM MORON!" yelled Odion, slapping Marik behind the head. "So 'master', what are we supposed to do?"
"GO IN THE BLACK THING!" yelled Marik.
"WHAT!" yelled Odion. "ARE YOU INSANE! Do you see that thing? That's a trip to the shadow realm if I've ever seen one before! What could possibly possess us to willingly walk into that!"
"Who's yo daddy Odion?" asked Marik.
Odion glared at Marik. If looks could kill, Marik would be wearing morgue makeup.
"Let's just get this thing over with," said Odion darkly, following Marik as he happily skipped into the abyss, passing easily through the border between worlds. He sighed darkly, closed his eyes, and walked through the border.
His eyes suddenly heard really bad music, and his nose filled itself with the smell of Fabreeze. He could automatically tell from the feeling of the gravity around him that he was in a completely different world…
"OPEN YOUR EYES ODION!" yelled Marik at the top of his lungs in a sing song voice. The second he did, Odion screamed. Marik now had huge, chibi eyes, and he was happily bouncing through a field of pink and yellow flowers. In fact, everything about that place was pink. The sky was a faint shade of pink, the trees were laden with thick, pink flowers, and the wind echoed with very bad rock music.
"This place…is disgusting…" said Odion.
"Disgusting in the new sense of the world meaning FAR OUT WICKED COOL!" asked Marik.
"No, disgusting as in 'I want to gourge my eyes with pencils in order to keep my sanity in this place for another six minutes'," Odion said.
"DON'T BE RIDICULOUS ODION!" said Marik, his legs now covered in light blue pants. "This place ROX!"
"Wait, where did you get those pants Marik?" asked Odion.
"I DUNNO!" said Marik, his voice getting way high pitched. "Wow! I feel like I just at a whole bag of sugar again! This is great!"
"What's…happening here…" said Odion, sinking to his knees. "I feel…steadily more…pathetic…"
"I KNOW! ME TOO!" said Marik. "Well come to think of it, I always feel pathetic…FLOWERS?"
He stuffed a huge bushel of flowers in Odion's face.
"GET ME OUT OF HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!" yelled Odion to the heavens, as the horror of the way-pretty flower petals spiraled even closer.
---ooo---
"Darn Dubbers…I swear, they make their heads out of solid cement," said Seto angrily, massaging his knuckles, as three beaten up dubbers lay behind him, all moaning in pain. "Note to self…aim for their stomachs if they get too close next time."
Besides having to beat up several dubbers who had gotten too close, Seto seemed relatively oblivious to pretty much everything that happened that happened to the school in the period of one day. Perhaps it was being hated by virtually every man alive and the fact that he was being hunted down by everything from deranged, long haired, fancy pants millionaires to ten year old brats who got locked up in virtual la-la land that made him relatively desensitized to these kind of events.
However, something was clearly on his mind, as he walked over to a wall and sighed, putting his back against it. Then, very dully, he let his back slide down it, until he was eventually sitting sprawl-legged on the floor, looking like he was about to launch into an especially violent period of angst.
"What's wrong lad?" asked the very familiar, mildly-Scottish sounding voice behind him, as a Blue Eyes White Dragon plushie crawled up along to his shoulder. "Yehr looking particularly angsty right now…if it's the dubbers, ah can always-"
"It's not them," said Seto bluntly. "It's…her."
Bluesy rolled his button eyes to the ceiling, 'Oh God' echoing somewhere in the back of his mind, as Seto buried his face in his knees, the cuddly dragon patted him on the back with a stuffed paw.
"Look lad," said Bluesy. "Yeh can't just let yerself got tae waste because of one lassie that's blessed with huge eyes and no brain."
"But she doesn't know I exist!" said Seto. "I bet I screwed up something along the lines, and now she ran out of the school in pure disgust! I bet she wants me dead! I bet…I bet…"
"Yeh aren't going to cry on me, are you?" said Bluesy. "Because if there's one thing that I hate, it's you slobbering all over mah fabric."
"I'm not going to slobber on you!" said Seto, angrily glaring at Bluesy, his glare automatically switching to 'If you weren't a stuffed animal, you'd die if you looked into my eyes' kind of look. "I've got a pair of thread scissors in my back pocket, and if you go on about me doing something like breaking down, then I won't hesitate to rip out every single stitch on your body, and I'd enjoy every second of it!"
"Look, just do it and get it over with…" said Bluesy darkly.
Another infamous 'angry-Kaiba' glare.
Then he started bawling pathetically into the unfortunate plush toy.
"Yeah yeah…I really do feel like living the rest of my life as a sponge…" said Bluesy angrily.
"She haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaates me!" sobbed Seto.
"Uh huh," said Bluesy.
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATES!"
"I'm sure she doesn't."
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOES!"
"She probably doesn't even remember your name. She's incapable of hating you in consequence."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"Oh, right, that was probably the wrong thing to say."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"Oh, for God's sake lad, getta tissue or something!"
"AAAAAAAAAH (Sniff hack) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"GOOD LORD ABOVE, AND THE LORD'S CHORUS OF A THOUSAND ANGELS, PLEASE DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING TO STOP THIS MAN FROM CRYING!"
"ALMOST THERE STEED!" sung Bianca in a sing-song voice, driving Valon on, who was still laughing stupidly. She was laughing stupidly, as was he, as they gallivanted full speed down the highway, until Valon crashed head first into the last telephone pole in front of the school that wasn't a smoldering crater.
"THANK YOU!" said Bianca, eagerly reaching into her pocket, pulling out a flowerly little coin purse, reaching into it to pull out a dirty penny. With that, she ripped Valon's face out of the telephone pole, and stuffed it in his mouth, then turned on her heel and happily skipped off to the school. Valon gave her a thumbs up.
"It's…her…" said Seto, his eyes completely streaked in tears, tearing to the window, after hearing her sickeningly cheerful, overly-loud voice.
"THANK YOU!" cried Bluesy.
"BI-ANC-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Seto happily, running full speed down the hallway, a huge, happy smile on his face, his eyes stained with grateful tears.
With that, as she busted open the doors to the school, and turned in his direction. With that, she too broke into a happy smile, her face lighting up even more than usual. With that, she began to charge toward him, her arms spread wide. That's when everything switched to slow motion, and very dreamy music began to play somewhere.
"I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!" she cried.
"OH, ME TOO!" Seto said, looking like this was the best day of his life.
"HOW I'VE LONGED TO BE NEAR YOU!" she cried.
"YES! YES YES YES!" said Seto.
"I LOVE YOU!" she screamed.
"I LOVE YOU TOO!" screamed Seto.
"God, how long is this going to last?" asked Bluesy, watching all of this unfold in front of him.
"I LOVE YOU…BIANCA!" said Seto.
"I LOVE YOU…VENDING MACHINE!" she cried, flying full speed past Seto, as the record on the player scratched so violently that Seto froze right in midstep, causing him to teeter over falling on his face. Bianca then rushed up to the vending machine behind him, embracing it in her grasp, as little hearts flew all over the place.
Seto once again started bawling.
"They say that the good lord made everything for a reason," said Bluesy Woosy. "But I can't help but think that he could have thought twice that when he created love, especially between fictional characters, not so ridiculously blind."
---ooo---
"WOW!" screamed one of two particular students as the walked down the hallway. "It sure is fun walking, isn't it Jim?"
"IT SURE IS TIM!" said Jim.
"I LOVE YOU JIM!" said Tim
"MAD LOVE TIM!" said Jim.
Their pointless dialog was halted as they were halted in the middle of the hallway, forced to face the face of a big eyed, smiling, green furred little chibi squirrel.
"COOL! WHAT'S THAT TIM?" asked Jim.
"I DON'T KNOW JIM!" said Tim.
"I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERY-BODY'S NERVES, EV-REE-BOD-EES NERVES, EV-REE-BOD-IEES NERVES-" the squirrel began to sing.
And that's when it all began.
"My goodness! Just look at the fuss your making Odion!" said Marik in horror, as Odion continued to pant wildly, knees on the ground, just barely supporting himself with one hand, the other one clutched to his chest, as he hacked and begged for non-perfume ridden air. "Honestly! You're acting like a real stick-in-the-mud!"
"Marik…stop…talking…like that…" Odion panted. "This place is evil. Go, get out…of here…while you still…can…"
"Lollypop?" asked Marik sweetly, holdining up a huge, spiral lollypop to Odion.
"I knew it…" said Odion. "This place…is a portal…to one of the eviler planes…of dubbing…where 4Kids…draws its evil…power…"
"You sure you don't want it?" asked Marik.
"Get out of here Marik…they'll kill you…" said Odion. "This place…it's suffocating…"
Marik just stared as Odion collapsed in pain to the ground. Then he stuffed the lollypop into his mouth with a huge smile on his face.
Odion was beginning to feel his head spiral. This is what he was dreading. The second that he came to, he knew he would be a pansy-skipping, bad-slang using weirdo. What was he going to do…oh what…his senses would soon belong to this plane of insanity, where everything made so much sense…it didn't.
Suddenly, he felt a thin chord of elastic slap behind his head, and something slap across the bottom half of his face. As he inhaled, he suddenly felt clean, not perfumed air suck into his lungs, and his head, for just a moment, didn't fell like it was going to explode. A few more breaths…and he slowly felt himself get better. What was happening? Was this it? Was he dubbed? Could he still remember profanity, risqué humor, naughty bits?
He remembered his high school prom. Oh yeah. He was soooooo not dubbed.
"Honestly, walking into a Dub Dimension without a mask on," said Asuka in front of him, as he got to his feet to face her, to see that she too was wearing a mask. "Sheesh, your just asking to die if you do that, you know?"
"Marik…" said Odion, his voice a little muffled. "Is he…"
"No, it hasn't run the full course yet," said Asuka, as Shou (also wearing a mask) slapped a mask across Marik's face. "The effects tend to have a little more automatic effect on characters with the least amount of intelligence."
"My goodness gracious!" said Marik, turning to everyone. "It's just so wonderful to see new friends to-WHAT THE HECK!"
"That sounds a little more like Marik.," said Odion with relief.
"Hey, why do I feel like I've been talking like someone from a 50's chick flick?" asked Marik. "And-OH GOD! How come no one can see my smexy chest!"
With that, he ripped off the shirt the dub dimension charitably provided him.
"Ah…that's much better…" said Marik.
"Whoa…" said Shou. "I think I liked him better before."
"Everyone does…" said Odion.
The sound of clapping behind him caused all four to whirl around, facing a small group of dubbers, none of them wearing masks, but all with triumphant smiles across their faces, their eyes narrowed to excited slits.
"Bravo Mr. Marik," said their head dubber. "We all knew that it was going to be all to easy to hunt you down, but to actually bring Asuka and Shou here too…you, my friend, are quite impressive. And by impressive, I mean as dumb as paving cement."
"One could say it's vice versa," said Alexis bravely. "Please note that we are top agents for our organization that has secret locals all over the world, and you're only slimy little hit-men from some cult that resides in a shack in a hick town!"
"She knows about the shack!" screamed one of the dubbers.
"WELL SHE DOES NOW!" yelled the head dubber. "Never mind! The fact is, now all of you are in our clutches, and as you can see, we clearly have the advantage!"
"Perhaps not," said Alexis. "It's a great spring of faith to just walk into such an unstable world such as this one without any sort of protection from its power. No one can withstand this kind of place forever."
"Yeah!" said Syrus. "We have masks and you don't! That means that we can stay here a lot longer than you can! So it turns out that we have the advantage!"
"Not quite," said the head dubber. "Perhaps you haven't noticed, but we remain unscathed from being here, for we have learned to control this dimension's vast powers. You think that mere masks can stop the effects of dubbing? It's power effects not just the air, but you entire being. Notice how your names have already been turned into something a little more American!"
Alexis and Syrus both looked at the dubbers in horror. Then, very slowly, both of them read the last few paragraphs of dialog, then their eyes slowly came together.
"Oh my…" said Syrus. "I thought Shri was just being stupid again!"
"This is very bad," said Alexis.
"And we too, are at an advantage…" said the head dubber, as he held both of his hands in front of him in a cup shape, as huge ball of power began to form within it. Then when it had gotten big enough, he wheeled it back, and threw it forward, as the four leapt out of the way, Odion dragging Marik.
"So they can manipulate the power of dubwork around them without the aid of weapons," said Alexis. "Well, this is just peachy."
"EAT PLASMA CULTIST FREAKS!" yelled Syrus, reaching into his holster and pulling out…a bushel of flowers. "TIME TO AIR OUT YOUR…oh…"
"Were doomed," Odion said.
Sadly, as all the dubbers began to form power balls, that is the fate that it seemed like our heroes were going to need to face. Having all of their weapons turned into harmless bushels of flowers, chocolate bars, and fruit, even the most well equipped members of the team were powerless to the onslaught of the mighty dubbers. All they could do was dodge the dub-based power balls and hope that it didn't hit them. But only that could last them for a little while, considering they were outnumbered at least three to two.
"Well…this may be how it ends," said Alexis, as all four of them hid behind a huge tree that was thick with flowers. "There's no way we can beat them…we're completely outmatched. I hate to be the pessimist but…it's only a mater of time."
"It's been great working with you…do you mind if I don't say your name?" asked Syrus.
"Don't worry about it," said Alexis. "If by some slim chance any of us makes this out alive…tell Fubuki I love him."
"Okay," said Syrus. "And…tell Ryou that he still owes me for last year when he forgot my birthday and had to pull something really stupid at the last minute."
"…right, I'll make sure," said Alexis.
"TELL ODION I THINK HE WOULD LOOK HOT IN A SKIRT!" said Marik.
"Tell Ishizu that she should have pushed you in front of a car when she had the chance," said Odion.
That's when the top of the tree got blown off, and charged pieces of bark rained down on the gang.
"ENOUGH OF THIS!" screeched the head dubber. "All of you, surrender right now, and your translation will be quite painless!"
"Never!" yelled Alexis.
"Me neither!" said Syrus.
"How painless are we talking?" asked Marik, as he got smacked on the head by Odion, about the same time that the head dubber fell forward, yelling in pure anger, his face slapping against the ground, a ball bouncing forward.
"Such strategy," said the voice of Ebony Crow, as the dubbers turned around to face the tall, graceful figure of the fangirl ninja. "I believe that this shall be…quite entertaining."
"How the heck did a ninja get here!" yelled the head dubber, getting to his face. "And…how come…"
"Bouncy Balls," said Ebony Crow, tossing one up and down in the air. "Harmless toys…and toys don't apply to this dimension. So go ahead…I too, am armed."
"But you can beat us!" said the dubbers. "Everyone knows that ninjas are well equipped to beat people up! So what are you going to do about that now!"
"I can still beat you up," said Ebony Crow bluntly. "In fact, I can do anything I want to you, as long as the scenes are cut from the actual story."
"Really?" asked Alexis.
"Indeed," said Ebony Crow.
"Well…that changes everything!" said Alexis.
Cut from the US version is a scene of devastation as various wicked cool P0W4H moves and ninjitsu are preformed on the dubbers, who try to put up a fight until they get kicked in various uncomfortable places.
And this particular shot where…lets just say a lot of rude hand gestures are involved.
"COOLY COOL!" yelled Marik, as the field was strewn with dubbers (all of their nose bleeds properly digitized out). "I can't believe it! We won!"
"Yay us," said Odion.
"Ebony Crow!" said Red Dwarf, running toward her full speed. "Ebony Crow…why did you run away like that…you could have gotten hurt…Ebony Crow!"
That's when, with one last effort, one dubber managed to cup one hand, forming another small, trembling power ball, and with an aim at no one in particular, hurled it forward with the last of his strength.
Everything went fast. Alexis, seeing it coming toward her, quickly dodged out of it's way as it sped by, falling onto her side, as the ball continued to spiral wildly around, heading toward Red Dwarf. Red Dwarf completely froze in place, and there was a flash of black as-
"EB-OH-NEE CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"
---ooo---
"So…this is one of the agents…" hissed the voice behind the red-veiled chair.
"Yes master…this is it…" said the dubbers, kicking Tish forward lightly, her hands firmly tied behind her back. "She attempted to disguise herself as a fellow school student…but she wasn't that hard to pick out."
"I see…" hissed the voice, as Tish glared boldly back at him. "Well…this is the end of the line my dear…do you have any last requests?"
"Who are you?" Tish asked darkly.
"Who am I?" said the voice, followed by a think, hallow laugh. "Is that your request? Well…your wish is granted."
With that, the curtain slowly began to part around the chair.
---ooo---
Cheh. Cliffie 8P.
Next time, finally! Seto asks Bianca the big question, a brave escape from a dubbed dimension, and the true identity of the dubber king! See ya!
