Morning came like a kick in the head. I woke up on the floor of my room, face on the carpet. My mouth felt like cobwebs and it tasted like shit. Exhaling was nearly knocking me out as I made my way to the shower. I sat in the shower, blotchy memories of the night before stinging me like wasps as they danced in front of my eyes. I remembered the dancing, "Oh why did I think I was sexy..." I moaned into the water as it cascaded around my face.

It was halfway through forcing myself to eat a fried breakfast that I even remembered being at Jacobs. There is only so far you can squeeze your eyes shut. I felt like I wanted to emigrate, leave, die - anything to avoid EVER having to see either Edward or Jacob again.

Fucking hell.

ALL I WANTED WAS SEX.

Why was it all getting so complicated?

My phone beeped and after a fruitless search I used the main phone to call it, and found it flashing under the couch. Memories of falling over my own feet and my phone dramatically flying across the room,as I came into the house, flooded through me. Ugh.

Hows the head xx

Jacob. Please. Stop being so fucking great about everything. I stood you up, I came to your house drunk, I nearly ripped your dick off, at least be a bit pissed off.

But no, there he was, in three little words being the perfect gentleman again.

Shit. Hows your dick?

:-)

I laughed at my text but sent it anyway.

Sore. Could do with TLC.

First reaction - No. Then I sat on the couch, knowing I couldn't leave the reply too long or he would start to feel bad, so I quickly text back.

Considering every-time we

get together its mayhem

you'd probably be better

off finding someone else

to deal with that. Don't

you agree?

I sat there for ages staring at my phone but Jacob never replied to that message. So I got myself dressed and headed out in my truck. I knew exactly where I was going, but I wasn't sure why.

I got to the meadow by mid-day. School was in full swing and so I parked at the very last spot nearest the forest and ducked across to remain unseen. The thoughts of sitting in classes made my stomach turn. I took my time up the hill, leaning against trees for support, holding back the barf at all costs. Fuck hangovers were seriously shit and I didn't really think, certainly not in my case, that the gain was worth the pain. What had I got from drinking? Only a big red face and an ego that was crawling for the nearest rock.

The meadow was cool and welcoming, the grass shifting and darkening with the whipping wind. I chose a spot near to the shelter of two huge oak trees that sat on the edge of the forest, spread my parka out under me and settled to snooze this headache off. I had provisions, a bottle of water, some snacks, an extra hoody and the last Harry Potter book.

I sat for a while, felt sick, lay down, felt worse, walked around. I puked behind a rock. Then I curled myself into a little ball and covered myself with my hoody, tucking it in around me and finding comfort in this womblike position I fell asleep.

"You look like a koala bear" I snapped awake, my eyes fuzzy but making out Edward Cullens feet at my face.

I pulled myself to a sitting position and rubbed my eyes, his silhouhette blocking the glare of the sun above me.

"I saw your truck, but not you so... I figured you'd be here" Edward pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and I doubted I had ever seen a sexier expression. This rollercoaster would just not end. I wanted him to leave yet I wanted him to stay. I really was everywhere and nowhere with this guy.

He hunkered down, "Feeling shit huh?"

"Are you not?"

"Bella I only had the one beer - you were drinking for Ireland" A hint of an Irish brogue softened the word Ireland and I giggled, "Oirland"

He smiled, white teeth, "My grandfather used to say that, its a running joke at home, we do the accent so... it slipped in"

"Oh thats cute. Have you been? to Ireland?"

"No, we mean to though, my dad has of course, he says we all should go someday, you know - find more Cullens - trace our roots"

I thought that over, then started to think frantically hoping there would not be an awkward moment while I found something to say - but there was and we sat for a few seconds in it, my mind went blank, I could not think of anything to say and I started to blush. He spoke first.

"Bella can we talk?" His face became serious, his dark eyes flashed and his jaw tightened.

I nodded wishing we were still on the grandfather thing, but knowing that I wanted to hear this - much as it may hurt, I needed to hear what Edward was feeling.

He sat on the grass facing me. It seemed like the longest time before he spoke, "Bella I'm not trying to upset you everytime we..." he shook his head, "Look Bella, I don't really know what to say. I have no idea why it is that everything seems so serious, we only know each other a few weeks and yet it feels... it feels like this is the most important relationship of my life or something. I feel like there is something at stake with every move I make with you and it is really fucking getting to me"

I thought about what he said and I couldn't make head nor tail of it, was he being vague or was I just fucked from the alcohol, "What do you mean? I don't get you" I stated.

"Ugh" He spat and threw himself onto his back, covering his eyes with his arms, "You don't get me - Exactly!"

"Edward, I'm really hungover this morning, I feel like I'm going to die right here. I, unlike you, had lots of beers and made a complete fool of myself and hurt people and everything so spare me the shit and please just tell me what the fuck is going on"

He turned his head and looked at me, "I don't know" He said softly.

I moved closer to him, "What is there to know? I mean isn't it a case of be or not be?"

"What?"

"Gah! I don't know what!" I shook my head and felt like crying, this cryptic conversation was too much for my damaged brain cells to take on.

He burst out laughing but checked himself, the somber face returning.

"Look. Bella." He said firmly, "I am trying to say that I feel like I've known you forever when I'm with you, and I want to be around you - like - all the time, but..." he winced, "I don't want...I don't want-"

"What? Me?" I almost shouted, "You don't want me? Well then-"I stood up, "-why the hell do you keep ramming your tongue down my throat? Excuse my naivety Edward - I might be a virgin but I still know a fucking hard-on when I feel one" I started grabbing my stuff up and shoving it into my bag, "How do you think this is for me, Edward? Constantly having you on me then off me then on me, leaving me here last time?"

He stood too, pushing his hair roughly off his face, "How do you think this is for ME?" He grabbed my bag and threw it aggressively back onto the ground, his voice got tight "How do you think it is for me to see you run off to that fucking animal everytime I try to do the right thing? How did you think I felt last night when I saw you climb in his fucking window, into his fucking bedroom in that state? I was fucking out of my mind all night"

"Out of your mind?" I smashed my face into my own hands and screamed, "What the fuck are you talking about? You don't fucking WANT me Edward, so why should it be anything to do with you whose fucking window I climb into? YOU don't fucking want me..."

He seemed to stop breathing when I said that. His face paled and he looked as though he had seen a ghost, "You think I don't... you think I don't want you?" He grabbed my wrists and dipped his head to look into my eyes, "Don't want you? Jesus Bella what I wouldn't... what I would do to you right now, if it wasn't... if you weren't..."

"Oh what? if I wasn't what? A fucking virgin? Oh get over yourself Edward" This was a full on fight. I grabbed my bag and stormed away, only to get barely four steps in before he swung me around. The heat between us was tangible and if I hadn't been so humilated I would have gone in for a kiss. He held me by the shoulders, pushed me away from him so there was maximum distance between us. His arms were shaking. He slid his hands down my arms to hold my wrists.

"Yeh Bella, Yes." He raised his voice, "Yes it is that, you are a virgin and I am not going to be the asshole who takes that away and then hurts you. I want to hang around with you, I don't know why but I just feel like I do and so I can't- I won't be that guy. There. I, Edward fucking Cullen, do not want to be the first prick who fucks you and then hurts you - Satisfied?"

I was absolutely not satisfied. He was patronising and he was full of himself. He could go fuck himself.

"Oh Bite me Edward" I spat and wrestled my wrists from his grasp. Giving him the finger I marched off into the wood, wishing he would follow but knowing that he wasn't.