Chapter 29

"I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me." ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Sano-san, Ibuki-kun, and I stood behind the cloth borders that were set up around the courtyard where the matches were to take place. Otou-san, Serizawa, and Niimi sat with the officials that the matches were being held for. The guys that were chosen to participate in the matches were in the waiting area waiting for their turn to show off their skills.

"First up is Hijikata-san and Heisuke, right?" Ibuki-kun asked both Sano-san and I.

"Yeah." Sano-san answered Ibuki-kun before asking me with a sideways smile. "Who do you think will win, Shizuka?"

"Hijikata-san." I said without hesitation.

"Ouch! I think Heisuke would be insulted at how fast you answered that question." Sano-san grinned as he replied jokingly.

"It's not like I think that Heisuke is less skilled than Hijikata-san." I defended my answer. "It's just that Hijikata-san is someone that would do anything to win, even if it means fighting dirty."

While many would see fighting dirty as dishonorable, I personally would agree with Hijikata-san's fighting methods. In a real situation with real enemies that would cut you down without a second thought, no one would care about another person fighting dirty. A fair fight? I would take survival over chivalry any day. I'm sure there were other people that also shared the same sentiment. However, I did find it ironic that Hijikata-san, who had a strong sense of honor, would fight dirty.

"Well, I see your point." Sano-san yielded to my argument.

"Oh, it looks like they're beginning." said Ibuki-kun as he pointed to the center of the courtyard.

In the center of the courtyard stood Hijikata-san and Heisuke with their wooden swords, the referee for the matches stood off to the side, close enough to see each detail of the match and far away enough not to get caught in the crossfire. Both competitors got in to position as the referee began to raise his arm.

"You may now begin!" the referee declared loudly as he completely raised his arm to begin the match.

Both Hijikata-san and Heisuke tapped their wooden swords against each other's before leaping back into their battle stances. Both watched each other with focused expressions, trying to discern each other's moves, before Heisuke gave a confident smile and began moving his sword in a slight figure-eight motion.

"What is he doing?" asked Ibuki-kun, who was unfamiliar with the certain technique that Heisuke was using.

"It's called the 'Wagtail Sword'." explained Sano-san, "He keeps the sword constantly moving so that his opponent can't read when he'll strike."

"Hehhh?" Ibuki-kun said to indicate that he heard Sano-san.

Heisuke moved his right foot forward a bit to make it look like he was about to lunge. Not fooled by the false movement, Hijikata-san shifted his weight and moved his sword down to his right side to buckle down. The point of Hijikata-san sword was now pointed in a downwards direction in the opposite direction of where Heisuke was standing. Disappointed that Hijikata-san was able to call his bluff, Heisuke lunged forwards towards Hijikata-san to make the first strike of the match. With a great cry, Heisuke swung his wooden sword down towards Hijikata-san. At the same time that Heisuke had begun to lunge, Hijikata-san had also done the same. But instead of swinging his sword down like Heisuke did, Hijikata-san had forcefully swung his sword upwards to meet the downwards swing of the other sword. When the two swords collided, Heisuke's sword was repelled and he was knocked back from the amount of strength Hijikata-san put into that swing.

Seeing an opening after knocking Heisuke slightly off balanced, Hijikata-san quickly followed up his previous attack with a downwards slash. Heisuke was barely able to block that attack and the force of that attack sent him sliding backwards in a crouched position. Being both bigger and taller than Heisuke, Hijikata-san clearly was the one that possessed more physical strength. Both men looked up at each other and grinned. It had been awhile since both of them had sparred against each other and they were enjoying the match.

Standing back up at his full height, Heisuke charged at Hijikata-san once more. Both swords clashed against each other once again. Heisuke quickly pulled back his sword and continuously attacked Hijikata-san in several fast strikes. With this barrage of speedy attacks, Hijikata-san could only defend himself as he was pushed back. With each quick attack, Heisuke made sure not to have his sword pressed against Hijikata-san's sword for too long. The speed of the attacks made it impossible for Hijikata-san to make use of his physical strength to repel Heisuke. If the swords didn't remain in contact long enough then Hijikata-san could not physically push Heisuke into submission. Hijikata-san may have been physically stronger than Heisuke, but his physical strength would be useless unless he could find some way to bypass Heisuke's faster speed.

After about a minute of the same tactic, Hijikata-san dodged the next attack instead of blocking it. Heisuke, who had gotten into the flow of his attacks, could not stop himself from moving forward after the missed attack. In that moment, Hijikata-san quickly aimed a well-timed attack in that opening and hit Heisuke's face with his wooden sword. Heisuke dropped his wooden sword and clutched his eye in pain, thus ending the match.

"Ouch." I commented when Hijikata-san's hit landed. "By the looks of it, Heisuke's eye will probably be swollen shut for a week."

"He'll be fine in a day or so." Sano-san replied without taking his eyes off the central courtyard. "It's Heisuke, after all."

At the end of that match, Both Hijikata-san and Heisuke bowed to each other before stepping off the combat floor. Shinpachi-san and Saito-san now moved towards the center of the courtyard for their match as Hijikata-san walked back towards the waiting area and Heisuke towards the cloth borders of the courtyard. Heisuke ducked under the cloth border and made his way to where Sano-san, Ibuki-kun, and I were standing.

"Dang it! And here I was so close." Heisuke muttered disappointedly.

At the sound of Heisuke's voice, Sano-san stopped focusing on where Saito-san and Shinpachi-san were standing and turned around to face Heisuke.

"Oh Heisuke…" Sano-san paused as he saw the black eye.

"Huh?" Heisuke asked at the pause with a giant grin.

Sano-san smiled back. "Forget it. It was a good match." Sano-san said.

Heisuke's grin became even wider at Sano-san's praise.

I pulled out a small container of cold water and a towel from my little tool kit that I brought with me and walked over to examine Heisuke's injury.

"Hmm… it doesn't look too bad, but it needs cold compression." I said after my brief examination. I quickly wet the towel with the cold water and pressed it to his eye. "Compress the injury with that cold towel for ten minutes at a time." I instructed before turning back to watch the match between Saito-san and Shinpachi-san.

"Begin!" I heard the referee yell right before I fully turned around to catch the beginning of the match.

Both men face each other in their normal battle stances: Shinpachi-san in the standard right-handed stance and Saito-san in his backwards left-handed stance. Saito-san had the advantage in this match. While both men were extremely skilled, Saito-san was left-handed and there were no sword techniques to counter a left-handed opponent. Both men stood still for several seconds before Shinpachi-san attacked first. Shinpachi-san charged forwards and swung his wooden sword downwards towards Saito-san only to be quickly blocked. Saito-san immediately pushed Shinpachi-san off and lunged forwards with a piercing attack.

Shinpachi-san and Saito-san both attacked each other with fast powerful strikes for the next several seconds, but none of the hits actually landed. For each attack that was attempted by both men, there was either a parry or a dodge that followed. Finally, as if they both decided that this stalemate was long enough, they both leapt away from each other. The match winner would be determined by the next attack. Both charged at each other once again, but as Shinpachi-san was preparing to swing his sword downwards onto Saito-san's lower stance, Saito-san made an incredibly fast sidestep and landed a swift hit to Shinpachi-san's side to end the match.

Both stood up straight again and bowed to each other before heading behind the cloth borders. It was now Sannan-san's and Souji's turn.

"Dammit! I lost." Shinpachi-san complained loudly as soon as he stepped behind the cloth borders.

"Good job!" Heisuke exclaimed cheerfully to both Shinpachi-san and Saito-san with his arms crossed behind his head.

"Quick, the next match is about to begin." I told everybody. Everyone shut up and went to watch the next match.

Now, both Sannan-san and Souji were facing each other in the courtyard. The referee began the match, but before anyone moved, Souji spoke to Sannan-san.

"Once I win, the lord of Aizu will acknowledge the Tennen Rishin-ryū." Souji said to Sannan-san, "Sorry, but I'm going to use Sannan-san and the Ittō-ryū as stepping stone. This is for the good of Kondou-san and the Roshigumi. Please don't hate me."

"Oh my." Sannan-san replied confidently. "It seems that I'm being looked down upon. You may be the best sword user in Shieikan. But there's a difference of experiences between us."

After the exchange of words, the match then truly began. Sannan-san started off with the same sword technique Heisuke had used in his match.

"Is that the Wagtail Sword again?" Ibuki-kun asked.

"Yeah." answered Sano-san.

"But Sannan-san… Is that going to work on Souji?" asked Heisuke.

Sannan-san attacked first by launching a series of attacks on Souji, but each of them were blocked quite easily. Souji grinned at Sannan-san, feeling totally at ease.

"I can read your moves, Sannan-san." Souji taunted with a confident smirk.

Sannan-san grit his teeth when none of his attacks got through Souji's defense. "I see you've grown strong, Okita-kun." Sannan-san admitted.

After Sannan-san had finished speaking, Souji launched into his own series of attacks. Each attack was aimed at a vital area of Sannan-san's body. The back of the neck, throat, and the solar plexus were all targets. Souji was fighting like he was aiming to kill. While Souji had always been harsh during practice, it was nothing like this. This new fighting style of his was bloody and I wasn't the only one that realized this.

"Just like I thought." Shinpachi-san said. "Souji's fighting style changed a bit. He was always rough on everyone in practice, with the exception of Shizuka-chan, but now his style is even bloody. It's like he's wielding a real sword."

"Like a real sword? What's that about?" asked Ibuki-kun.

"Watch." I said to Ibuki-kun, "Souji keeps aiming at vital spots, such as the back of the neck, throat, and the solar plexus. The angle he cuts in is also similar. If you slash at the wrong angle, a real sword may easily bend or break. So controlling the angle is an essential skill."

The fierce battle continued, until Souji hit Sannan's shoulder with the Sandanzuki and made Sannan-san drop his sword. The high officials of Aizu must have been surprised that someone from the nameless Tennen Rishin-ryū could defeat a menkyo kaiden in Ittō-ryū. Instead of joining with the rest of the guys behind the cloth border, Sannan-san and Souji both walked back to the waiting area when the match ended. Wanting to congratulate Souji on his victory, I quickly made my way over to where he was.

"Sannan-san, what did you think of this match?" Souji asked Sannan-san right before I made myself known.

Instead of calling out to Souji, I remained silent and hid in the shadows to listen in on their conversation.

"What do you mean?" Sannan-san questioned.

"The bloodiness in my swordsmanship. It's because I've had a taste of what killing is like." Souji said with a bit of self-deprecation in his voice.

Sannan-san kept silent, considering Souji's words before finally answering, "You have grown stronger, Okita-kun."

Souji seemed surprised at the straightforward praise that held no hint of sarcasm or unpleasantness.

"That's unexpected." commented Souji. "Didn't you feel afraid when crossing swords with me? You could've gotten killed."

"…Let bygones be bygones. What really matters is that you are now stronger than you were before. That's why I praise you wholeheartedly."

"Sannan-san sure is hard to understand."

I clenched my fists at Souji's words. I knew that Souji wanted to be useful to Otou-san and that he would use his talent with a sword to kill for Otou-san. Souji was determined to be a tool that would be useful to Otou-san, but the problem was that I didn't want him to become a tool. I was fine with Souji killing, but I was definitely not okay with Souji becoming a tool. I was afraid that Souji would lose sight of his humanity and become someone I wouldn't even recognize anymore. I was terrified of losing him, of being left alone again. I wouldn't be able to stand it if he went somewhere I was not able to follow. Unwilling to listen to this conversation anymore, I took the coward's choice and ran instead of facing Souji.


I hid in the comfort of Kyoko-chan's futon in her room and had not moved since arriving at her family's house. I had pulled the covers over my head and curled up in fetal position underneath for hours. It was now the Hour of the Dog and Kyoko-chan had sat by me for the past few hours trying to comfort me.

"Shizuka-chan," Kyoko-chan said as she continuously stroked my back through the futon covers in a comforting motion. "Don't you think you should go home now? The sun set two hours ago and I'm sure they're all worried about your disappearance."

I shook my head as my answer despite knowing that she couldn't see my actions under the blankets.

"If you don't want to go home then you should at least eat some dinner." Kyoko-chan said as she tried to coax me out of her futon.

I merely shook my head again. Kyoko-chan sighed before she left the room. She returned about an hour later with Otou-san.

"Shizu-chan? What's wrong?" Otou-san asked as if he was speaking to a spooked deer. At his question, I curled up into an even tighter ball. I didn't want to speak to Otou-san. He was the reason Souji was so determined to become a useful tool.

The feeling of isolation I thought I had gotten rid of several years ago had begun to creep back into my life. It settled in my veins once more as fear crippled me and clung on. The fear of being alone poisoned me down to my very soul. I couldn't think anymore.

When he realized that he wouldn't get an answer out of me he turned to Kyoko-chan for an answer.

"Did she say what was wrong?"

"No, she hasn't said a single word since arriving."

"It's been years since I last saw her break down like this… I'll take her home. Maybe Souji can coax the answer out of her. He always seems to know what to do when Shizu-chan's like this." Otou-san said. "Thank you for watching over her."

Otou-san peeled back the covers and picked me up. I remained in a tight ball all the way back to headquarters. Once we got back to the Yagi house, he placed me on my futon in my room and left to find Souji. Just mere seconds after leaving, Otou-san returned with Souji. Hijikata-san had also tagged along and was trailing behind those two. Souji crouched down in front of me and stroked my cheek gently.

"Shizuka, what's wrong?" Souji asked softly.

I couldn't answer him. I couldn't even look at him. Even though I was afraid of him leaving me behind, I couldn't face him. So I pushed him away further instead. When Souji realized I wouldn't look at him, he slipped his hand under my chin and gently forced me to look him in the eye. When our eyes connected I started to tear up and Souji's eyes widened at the drops of tears rolling down my face. I quickly pulled away from Souji and buried my face into my knees. He was at a loss at what to do. I had never reacted to him in such a way before. In fact, when we were both younger, whenever I had a mental breakdown of some sort, I would always run to him. This time I was running away from him.

"Let me try." I heard Hijikata-san say when he realized Souji's attempts weren't working.

When I felt a gentle pat on my head I looked up. Hijikata-san was now crouching next to Souji and in front of me. I felt a sense of relief when I saw Hijikata-san.

"Souji is the cause of this breakdown. Hijikata-san is going to help me fix what Souji broke." was all that was being repeated in my head as I leapt into Hijikata-san's embrace. Even though I could not think clearly in this state, I knew I would never be able to forget the look of hurt and betrayal on Souji's face as I accepted Hijikata-san's comfort while rejecting his.


After everyone left my room to rest for the night, I had laid in my futon tossing and turning. Every time I closed my eyes, I always saw Souji's back as he walked away from me. I was never able to catch up to him and always shot awake when I lost sight of him in my dreams. I had long given up trying to sleep for the night when it became clear that the nightmares would not cease. It was at this time I had finally calmed down just enough from my breakdown earlier tonight to start thinking clearly again.

How did all of this happen? How did it come to the point where I needed Souji like I needed air? Without really realizing it, Souji had become my foundation in this life. He had become my foundation in this life and I had pushed him away earlier. The image of his hurt and betrayal expression flashed in my mind once more. I truly was a wretched person. How could I have hurt the man that I love?

The man I love?!

That epiphany hit me like a brick when I realized what I had just said mentally. How could I have not realized my true feeling until now, until after I had hurt him? This had to be the reason I was so attached to him, why I always treasured his every touch and word, why I was always so irrational around him. I had hurt him and pushed him away earlier and I had to fix it now. I jumped out of my futon and moved with purpose towards Souji's room. When I arrived outside of his room, I slid the door open and was greeted by the sight of an empty room.

I immediately descended into a state of tearful panic. Where was Souji? What if he left because I pushed him away earlier? What if—

"Shizuka?" I heard a voice from behind.

I spun around and finally broke out into a sobbing mess. Souji was standing behind me in his normal clothing. Despite how late it was, he had not gone to bed yet. He started to panic again when he saw my tears.

"Stay here! I can go get Kondou-san or Hijikata—"

I interrupted Souji by running to him and burying my face into his chest.

"Don't leave me behind." I sobbed into his chest. "Don't go where I can't follow."

Souji was shocked by what I had blurted out and didn't move for a few seconds. After he had gathered his thoughts, he wrapped his arms around me and carried me into his room. He sat down on his futon and cradled me against his chest in his lap.

"I'm not going anywhere." he said softly after kissing my forehead. "What's this about? Can you tell me?"

"I-I heard w-what you said to Sannan-san after today's m-match." I hiccupped tearfully. "I-I'm afraid that y-you'll become someone I no longer recognize. I don't want to be a-alone. D-don't leave me!"

Souji tightened his grip on me at my words as realization dawned on him. "I promise I won't leave you. You'll never have to be alone as long as I'm here. Shh, don't cry anymore."

Souji stood up again so he could place me in his futon. Then without changing into his sleeping robe, he crawled in too. He held me close as he ran his fingers through my hair until I stopped crying once more. I clung on to him tightly as I fell into a peaceful sleep. I would be fine as long as Souji was with me. Everything would be okay.


I awoke to the gentle touch of someone running his hand down my back. I laid on top of Souji's chest as he absentmindedly stroked my back. The sun was already starting to rise. That must have meant I had over slept and the guys were now scrambling to make the missing breakfast that I was in charge of preparing.

"Souji?" I asked. Did he sleep at all last night? Did I keep him up all night?

"Oh, you're awake." Souji said before he smiled down at me. "Feeling better?"

I nodded before asking, "Did you sleep at all last night?"

"Yeah, don't worry." he said. "You didn't keep me up last night."

I nuzzled his chest as I apologized to him. "I'm sorry for what happened last night."

"You don't need to apologize. I understand what happened." he replied softly before cheekily saying, "But if you feel really guilty about what happened, then you can give me that kiss you promised me. I did win my match."

I giggled at his request and Souji seemed proud that he was able to make me laugh. "Alright." I agreed. My mood was definitely a lot lighter than last night.

I pushed myself up off his chest a bit and gave him a nice, long, steamy kiss on the lips.

"Mmm, Shizuka," Souji moaned in pleasure in the kiss as he subconsciously started to wiggle his hips against mine.

Now that I had finally figured out my feelings for him, if he wanted to go further now then I wouldn't stop him. We parted for air before I kissed him deeply again. I ran my hands down his chest as I returned the favor and ground my hips back against his. He moaned into the kiss as his hips buckled forwards a bit. A bulge was starting to form in his hakama as I continued to rub my hips against his lower regions. One of my hands now slipped down from his chest to stroke the growing bulge through his clothing.

"Shizuka…" he panted with reddening cheeks in between kisses.

I now moved that hand back up to the tie holding his top closed while we were locked in another kiss and as I was about to pull it loose, Otou-san barged into the room.

"Souji, Shizuka isn't in her room! Do you know where— EHHHHHHH?!"

And so the nice quite morning was no longer so quiet anymore. Luckily, Otou-san could only see us kissing because the blanket was covering everything below our shoulders. He didn't see what I was about to do with my hands below the blankets. Poor Souji didn't seem to know what to do in this situation. He didn't want to upset Otou-san, but at the same time he desperately wanted to continue.

Feeling a bit rebellious in my good mood, I said to Otou-san with a sly smile, "Don't you know it's rude to barge into someone else's room without permission first?"

Then I turned back and kissed Souji, who was still dumbfounded, again as the other guys started to arrive at the scene, drawn by Otou-san's loud yelp earlier.

"EHHHHH?!"

This time it was a chorus of people's voices that rang through the morning air.