Chapter 29: In need of girl talk

I had Abby to help me to keep my sanity through out some of this. I still had Doug and Carol. And I could talk to Max too; I mean I knew all of that. It's just that all of this was very hard. I had battled depression when I was first diagnosed with the cancer. Then I had felt like the rug had been pulled out from underneath me and I just kept sinking. Losing mom, my world had been completely shattered, for she hadn't been just my mom, my best friend; she had been my greatest supporter and never once was she not by my side when I was going through the chemo in Philadelphia. She was there every day telling me that we were going to do this, to reassure me that I wasn't going to end up like my dad had, slowly dying, and slipping away a little more each day. He only lived six months after he was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer, and against all odds I had now lived over three years passed my diagnosis. I was not the same person that I was, no matter how hard I tried to be that just wasn't me anymore. I wished that it was, but life had a habit of sneaking up on us and changing our courses and who we were.

I wished that I could have been more open and forthcoming with Max about everything that I was feeling right now but some things were not meant to be shared yet. I was reeling from mom's death; the thought of my cancer coming back haunted me day and night, and the emptiness that plagued my heart and my soul that unrelenting desire to have that which I could never have. Well it wasn't that I couldn't have it, but the odds that a women with my disease, the extensiveness to which it had ravished my body, the survival rates, I would never be allowed to adopt a child. All of these things weighed heavily on my mind and I just right now felt like I had no one to talk to about any of it.

Spring time would be here soon. The thought of being able to be outside again was a positive thing. I had been cooped up inside all winter and I think that was part of the reason that I had been thinking so much about all of this. Thinking that if I had my own little one not working wouldn't have been so bad. Why is it that I couldn't get this off my mind? Was it because I had been spending so much time with Tess and Kate, or perhaps the fact that I was a pediatrician with out any patients, or just a wife who wanted to give her husband an heir to have that little person to teach, to love, that could make you smile when no one else in the world ever could. Or perhaps it was even just the fact that with spring everything seemed new. And maybe I would feel like I was getting a new start with the new season.

I needed to talk to someone about this cause I was running myself ragged… Doug maybe, no he was a guy, but then he always said that I could talk to him about anything and well maybe this fell into the realm of anything. No, I was not going to talk to Doug about wanting to have a baby; it was not like he could remedy the situation for me. I could talk to Carol, she had the girls surely she would understand what it must feel like to want to have a baby. No talking to Carol, Carol would talk to Doug, I knew how that worked. Because I knew that if Carol talked to me about something like that I would end up having to bounce what ever I said off of Max and then it's like she would have been talking to Max, not best not to talk to Carol either cause then Doug would know. Abby maybe I could talk to Abby about this. She might know of someone that I could talk to, maybe know someone who might be able to help.

I find that I have been running myself into the ground agonizing over this. I am not even sure if this is something that Max really does want. I know that if I tell him that it's something I want he would go for it just because I wanted it. Maybe I really should talk to him about it first. No wait, maybe not, I guess I just needed to bounce things off someone else before I go insane here.

I cross the room of the house into the kitchen picking up the phone and dialing one of the numbers that I had committed to memory now. I wait and listen as it starts to ring, maybe she has to work today and isn't home, oh I hope she didn't have to work last night and is sleeping. I could them, one… two… three…

"Hello," I hear a voice come on the line. It sounds out of breath.

"Hey Abby, it is Anna." I say into the phone now as I walk over and fill up my coffee cup that is sitting next to the coffeemaker.

"Hey Anns, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine, I'm doing okay" I say as I pick up my coffee cup with one hand cradling the phone in the other. "I was wondering if you might have some time we could get together and have coffee or something."

"Yeah sure I'd like that. We haven't done that in awhile."

"When do you have some free time?" I ask her.

"Uh I work today at five but I could come over for a little bit before that if you'd like."

"That would be fine." I say setting the cup down and playing with the phone cord out of habit. "I'd really like that." I'm not sure if I want to say anything more than that over the phone.

"Everything alright?"

"Yeah it's all good." I say, "Just could use some adult company I guess."

"You know I'm here for you if you need to talk."

I laugh softly, "I know that's why I called."

"Okay I'll be over in a couple of hours."

"Thanks Abby, see you soon." I hang up the phone and move from the kitchen with my coffee cup in hand. I sit down on my couch and flip open a photo album that I had been working on putting pictures into. I had taken up scrap booking now too as a hobby. Seemed like I was getting into a lot of hobbies with the free time that I had on my hands now.

But it works to pass the time. It's getting all my pictures organized and out of shoeboxes so there's a plus side to it. Max seems to think that I am happy in all of this, and well maybe I am, but I still can't shake that feeling that there is something missing. I don't know if it's just that I want to have a baby of our own, or if there is more to it than that. If I miss working so much that I need something full time to take my mind off it. Sure, that's not the best reason to want to have a baby and it's not my only reason for wanting one. All I know is that there is an empty place in my heart right now, and that empty place is one that can only be filled with the love of a child.

I try and make myself busy now, as if it will make all those feeling just go away for a little while, but as I put the photographs on pages, and put those pages into the book all I see is how happy we were before all of this happened. The dreams that we had when we first got married, all that we were going to do together. Then it struck as if a nightmare had taken a hold of our lives and with three words it all changed. We went from a happy couple to not knowing what the future was going to hold. Everything that we wanted just slipped through our fingers and any dreams that we might have had together seemed shattered. I sat there now putting old photographs onto the pages my mind wandering until I reached the point where I had to put it all away for now.

I headed into the kitchen looking at the clock knowing that Abby would be there soon. I put cookies into the oven so that we could have something to munch on while we visited, granted there was more to this than just a visit because I found that I really needed someone to talk to. I knew that Abby didn't have any children of her own but I was sure that she could help me start to sort out what I was feeling rather than having to resort to some form of professional help. I never had liked shrinks and I didn't think that right now I really wanted to be seeing one. I had this feeling that if I talked to a shrink, that they would tell me that I was over analyzing this and that it was something that I shouldn't be thinking about right now.

A knock on the door pulled me from those thoughts and I headed now from the kitchen back to the living room and the front door. "Hey Abby," I said pulling the door open, and moving aside so that she could come into the house. "Thanks for coming over." I pushed the door shut behind her when she got inside. I held out my hands to take her jacket from her hanging it on the coat rack, habit I suppose.

"No problem Anna." She said as I watched her smile, "you baked cookies?"

"Yeah pretty sad huh when the Doctor turns into Betty Crocker." I say with a warm smile back to her. We head into the kitchen and I come back to the table with two hot cups of coffee and a plate full of chocolate chip cookies that had just come out of the oven.

"I wouldn't call it sad." She said looking at me as she sat down in a chair at the table, "just rather interesting, a pediatrician that bakes cookies and cleans house too. Max must be getting spoiled rotten."

"That he is." I said, "he's about the only on there who has a woman who brings him hot meals at work every now and then. I try to make lunch at the hospital with him a couple of times a week depending on how busy they are." I find myself saying, realizing just how mundane my life really seemed now.

"You seem to like it though."

"There's not much not to like." I find myself saying, "I don't have the long hours anymore, no one is puking on me, no more being hit or bite. I miss it though; don't tell Max I said that, he thinks that he has me convinced not to want to go back to work, that I like this life of luxury."

I hear Abby laugh softly, "you secrete is safe with me, besides if I were you I would be chewing my arm off to be able to work, I don't think that I could ever be a stay at home wife."

"Well I don't think that I can do this forever, I mean after all it does get rather boring." I say, "Here have a cookie."

That gets me another laugh, "yeah I think I will." I watch her reach for the plate taking one of the gooey warm cookies from it. She smiles at me, "oh these are good, you have to love warm cookies and coffee, ever adults sweet treat."

"I am glad you like them." I say taking one off the plate.

"So what's up Anns?" I hear her ask there's a more serious look upon her face now, "you did not call for any reason at all. Something tells me there's more here than small talk a company for a lonely housewife."

"Well yeah," I say looking kind of down rather than at her, "I mean there is a reason and all."

"So spill the reason girl."

"I needed someone to bounce something off of." I am getting to the point slowly but surely.

"You can bounce anything off me. You know that's what friends are for."

"Well that might be a stretch but you know this isn't something that I can talk to just anyone about." I say in a soft voice. I couldn't help but wonder if we were good enough friends to be talking about something like this. I was a little nervous about it all to begin with and well, in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder how I am going to get her and Carter back together, the conversation might have been revolving around me and Max and having a baby but all I could think about at that moment in time was my mission.

I look up at Abby and she now has a rather worried look upon her face, "Anna what is it?" There's a tone to her voice that makes me think that I have worried her and that wasn't what I was trying to do.

"It's nothing that serious Abby," I say trying to put her back at ease, "there's just something that I have found my self, well rather obsessed with."

I hear her let out a giant sigh of relief, "what has you troubled?"

I'm not quite sure to say this other than to just come right out and say it, put what had been flying around in my head out into the world rather than it just being random thoughts that I kept to myself, "I think I want a baby."

Abby looks at me her eyes wide, as if that's not what she had expected to me say, "A baby wow, have you talked to Max about this?"

"No," I say playing with my hands now, "I don't know how he'd feel about all of this, it's not like we can… well we…" This is harder to say than I thought it would be, "I can't have one."

I watch as her expression changes now, "because of the cancer."

All I can do is nod now, there are small tears in my eyes, none were falling but it was enough to make the misty, "I think Max would like a baby too, I just don' know it's not something that is really doable."

Abby puts her hand onto mine now, "of course it is Anna." Her voice is soft now as she talks to me, "you just can't have one the old fashioned way but it is still doable."

"Do you really think so?" I ask.

"Of course it is Anna." She says to me with a soft smile, "you have plenty of other options out there. You could adopt a baby, or be a foster parent, or there's even the possibility of having someone be a surrogate mother for you. You need to talk to Max about all of this though, I'm sure he would want to know how you are feeling, that this is something that is on your mind."

"I know you are probably right about that." I look down, "I just can't help but feel like I have let him down in some way. You know what I mean, that this is something that we had talked about shortly after we got married and then all of this happened and now, now I can't."

"Oh Anns." She says looking at me, "honey you could never let him down like that." She says as if she knows really what she is talking about, "Max loves you complete and he would do just about anything for you and you not being able to have a child, he's going to still love you just as much. I'm sure that he would rather have you here with him than anything else."

"You really think so," I'm not sure why I said that, did I… could I ever really doubt that Max loved me. After everything that we had been through and the fact that even thought I tried to push him away he was still there should have been a strong enough indicator that he wasn't going to go anywhere no matter what.

"I'm positive Anna." She said with a certainty in her voice. "There's nothing that man wouldn't do for you. He really does sweetie, you can see that in the way that he talks about you, the way that he rushed back here when he knew you were asking for him. That man is definitely in love with you. He's got it bad."

That puts a soft smile on my face, "yeah he does have it bad."

She laughs, "He is addicted to you Anna and that it putting it very mildly. Really talk to him I think that you might be surprised and what he has to say, and if he feels the same way that you do, then together you can figure this all out. I know that the two of you can work through this, especially now that you have gotten some of it off your chest you should be able to talk a little more freely about it with him."

"Thanks Abby." I smile over at her, "it should be easier now that I am not going nuts. It's just has been something that I can't stop thinking about lately."

"Well if you can't stop thinking about it, you should talk to him and make those thoughts reality."

"You're right Abby."

"Feel better Anna?"

"Yeah I do," I say, "thanks I feel much better."