Disclaimer: See Chapter 28.
Note: I do apologize for missing last week. Everything is explained in the bottom A/N, so I won't repeat myself. I certainly hope this chapter is up to speed as the others. I'm also sorry if there are typos. See you Friday! Enjoy! -JJ
Chapter 29
An awkward silence filled the apartment, Hideo unable to look up from his feet. It had felt good, so good, to say those words. Slowly, his smile started to fade, the reality of the situation starting to finally settle in. No matter what happened, he couldn't turn back now.
He felt his nervousness grow in the stifling silence, afraid that after pushing Finn away so many times before that he wouldn't believe him. He knew there was a very real possibility that Finn would tell him to leave. He took a shaky breath, those fears suddenly all too real now that he was standing in Finn's apartment. He couldn't let things end like that. He'd done so much to keep Finn away, now he only hoped Finn would take the time to understand why.
Finn's eyes stayed focused on Hideo, wide with both shock and slight confusion. He shook his head, disbelief clinging to him as he tried to mull the words over. His mouth opened to speak, only to close when nothing would come out. He couldn't believe that Hideo was there saying exactly what he wanted to hear. Lightly, he bit his lower lip, his eyes falling to the ground as he leaned heavily back against the sink. He couldn't believe it. Hideo couldn't mean it like Finn wanted. "Like a friend, right?" he finally asked, his voice barely above a whisper. His brows furrowed, his throat tightening. He had to hurry up and squash the hope that was currently rising in his chest.
Hideo shook his head, taking the chance to look up and over at Finn. He could see how tense the other man was, the hopeful yet uncertain look in his eyes. "Tea?" he asked, forcing a small smile to return to his lips. "So we can talk?" He needed it as an excuse to ease into the conversation. It wasn't something he could just jump into. He didn't have that kind of courage yet. "There're things I need to tell you."
Finn nodded, turning around towards his stove. His hands shook as his picked up his kettle and went through the motions of making two more mugs of tea. The silence that fell between them once again was even more uncomfortable and heavy. It left Finn's mind to run wild, wondering what exactly it was Hideo wanted to say to him. As much as he hated the silence, he didn't want to break it. He didn't want to make the atmosphere anymore nerve wracking than it already was. He also didn't want to unintentionally make things worse between him and Hideo.
Hideo watched from his spot. He tried to control his fast breathing and rapid heart rate. He just wanted to try and relax his jumbled nerves knowing that they wouldn't help him. Very little he told himself helped. Once he realized it was no use, he tried to focus on what he wanted to say to Finn.
The loud, high pitches squeal of the kettle pulled Hideo from his thoughts. He swallowed hard, suddenly completely lost. Everything he'd been thinking was gone, vanished. His attention turned to Finn as he walked over and offered him a mug of steaming tea. "Thank you," he murmured, gently taking the offered cup.
Finn tried to smile as he brought his own mug to his lips, lightly blowing before taking a sip. Anxiousness was building in him quickly, growing to an overwhelming limit. He couldn't handle the silence any longer. "H-Hideo?" he murmured after a few more moments that seemed to painfully drag by. He had to know what it was Hideo wanted to say to him. He had to. "Why are you really here?"
Hideo lowered his mug from his lips, his eyes falling to the dark depths. "I'm sorry," he started, looking up to meet Finn's eyes. "For everything I put you through." He took a shaky breath, slowly letting it out. He could feel his entire body trembling, fear coursing through him making his body feel cold. "I've been selfish."
Finn remained quiet, unsure of how to take Hideo's confession. Was this for everything, every single time Hideo had turned him down? Was it just for what had happened while they were in America? Was it for the day before when he'd pulled away from him completely after confessing his feelings? What was Hideo trying to say? "I don't… I don't really understand," he breathed, sighing softly. He thought of the day before with Cass. "Yesterday, you hated me and now you're in my living room apologizing to me. What's going on?"
Hideo felt a sharp stab at his heart. He hadn't thought about how harsh his words had been or how much they could've hurt Finn the day before. After knowing about Enzo and Finn, he'd seen red. "I've never hated you," he said, his and Finn's eyes locking. The corner of his mouth twitched with a smile. "I could never hate you." Silence fell between them, showing just how serious he was being.
"Then—?"
"I was angry and hurt yesterday," Hideo interrupted, his eyes dropping back down to his mug. "You told me before that Enzo was only a friend. I was upset that you'd lied to me again. I felt like we were back in Japan." He paused, biting his lower lip. He was letting Finn in deeper than he ever had before. "How many people did you say were your friends, only to find out they were in your bed too?"
Finn looked down at his own tea, feeling guilty. "I never wanted to hurt you," he murmured, sighing as he walked towards the couch. He sat down, wondering how long Hideo had felt like that while they'd been in Japan. He hadn't thought about the consequences back then. He'd only been thinking about the satisfaction he'd be getting at that moment. "They never meant anything to me."
Hideo smirked, walking over to sit next to Finn. He knew that. If they had, Finn would've settled down long before now. His heart started to beat a little faster. He couldn't handle anymore silence between them. He had to hurry and say what he wanted before he lost the courage. "I spoke with Enzo last night."
Finn's eyes jerked up, finding that Hideo's eyes were already resting on him. He didn't miss the small smirk on his lips. It only made him feel even more nauseous at the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He looked down, ashamed. "Then, you already know it wasn't anything serious." It had been like his "relationships" in Japan. No strings attached.
"Yes," Hideo murmured. "He's the only person that has ever been honest and open with me about you and your relationship together." He blew lightly on his tea before taking a sip. He watched as Finn leaned forward, avoiding his gaze. "I know he loves Cass and that he's the one that went to you to understand."
"Yeah," Finn answered, sighing softly. He hadn't expected the conversation to go this easily. He'd expected for Hideo to say what he wanted or at least yell at him for everything, especially with Enzo being there when he'd showed up. "Cass knows now too. That's why Enzo was here. Cass asked me today after class to talk to him."
"Enzo said before that Cass doesn't like you," Hideo said without thinking, confused as to why Cass would ask Finn to talk to Enzo after everything. He watched confliction fun over Finn's face. "Finn?"
"He doesn't, mostly because Cass was jealous that Enzo and I spent a lot of time together, even before anything happened. He was the first friend I made when I came to NXT," he explained, moving to set his mug on the coffee table. He clasped his hands between his knees, his elbows resting on his thighs. "I'm sure he hates me for sleeping with Enzo, but things haven't been well between them lately and then this."
Hideo nodded. He could understand how Cass felt. How many people had he hated for the sole reason that they had been in Finn's bed? "Things didn't go well for them?" he finally asked, wondering how Cass had found out about Enzo's love. He saw Finn shrug in return.
"From what he told me, things didn't go bad at all when he told him."
"Then why—?"
"Enzo's scared," Finn breathed, smiling as he looked over. "Even if he doesn't want to admit it." He shrugged again, sitting up a little straighter but looking down at his hands. "He loved Cass so much, he just doesn't want to get hurt if Cass decides that he can't be with Enzo."
Hideo's heart skipped a beat. He knew that kind of pain all too well. He let out a slow breath, looking down at his tea as he gently swirled it round. It was now or never. He couldn't be scared anymore either. "Finn, I'm sorry, for everything. You poured your heart out to me so many times and I pushed you away. And yesterday, I finally had the courage to tell you that I felt the same but when I heard about you and Enzo, it felt like you were just toying with me."
Finn smiled tenderly, reaching over and gently taking the mug from Hideo's hands. He set it down next to his own and took the now empty hands into his. He gave them a squeeze. "Don't apologize anymore," he whispered, leaning in slightly. "I was at fault for letting it continue after we'd agreed on ending it." His eyes moved up to Hideo's.
Hideo only nodded, his throat suddenly tight. The soft look in Finn's eyes drew him in. His gaze flickered down to Finn's lips before slowly rising to meet the sparkling blue orbs again. He was getting sucked in, once again wanting nothing more than to kiss those sweet lips and treasure the other man.
"Is it okay to kiss you again?" Finn asked, one hand coming up to rest against Hideo's cheek, taking in the smooth skin and the light brush of facial against his fingertips. "Or are you going to push me away again?"
Hideo sucked his lower lip into his mouth, gently nibbling the edge. He couldn't. He still had more to say. He couldn't be lured in like this. He couldn't.
"Just a kiss, Hideo, nothing more."
Hideo was frozen, his lower lip slipping free. He'd read enough books, seen enough movies to know how it went: a kiss after the great epiphany between the two main characters. But it never ended with just a kiss. It always led to something more, to the crashing of lips, clothes being shed, and bodies intertwining with each other to show the power of their love and attraction.
He knew it wouldn't stop at a mere kiss between them, but he couldn't bring himself to stop his head from nodding. He wanted it. He wanted to feel Finn's lips on him again, consequences be damned.
He leaned in, his facial hair brushing against Finn's. His eyes fell shut as his and Finn's lips lightly met in a chaste kiss. His stomach flipped at the contact, sure that his heart was going to stop beating in his chest at that moment. Everything in his mind went blank other than the indescribable feeling of warmth that filled him. This felt right.
Finn smiled into the kiss, Hideo's hands already moving to rest against his chest, fisting in the material of his shirt. Electricity zipped through his body, igniting every nerve inside him and setting his entire body ablaze with heat. His other hand rose and tangled in the back of Hideo's hair. At long last, he was allowed to kiss these lips. He wasn't going to be pushed away or rejected.
He still couldn't wane the want for more. He'd felt Hideo's passion before, he'd tasted more than his lips, and he craved it again. Slowly, his lips parted. His brows furrowed, hoping the subtle movement wouldn't cause Hideo to jerk away from him. He felt his heart give a hard thump when Hideo's followed his lead, their chaste kiss deepening into slow, open mouthed kisses.
Hideo whimpered, Finn's tongue being the first to ease across his lower lip. His hands tightened in Finn's shirt, his own tongue chasing after the warm, wet muscle, almost begging for it to come back. He stiffened slightly when he felt Finn's tongue slide against his and into his mouth and lovingly searched inside. He was glad they weren't standing, sure that his knees would've given out by now. Already, with a simple kiss, he was putty in the other man's hands.
Tenderly, their tongues grew acquainted and it reminded Hideo of their kisses from before. He'd constantly thought about the one back at Finn's apartment, wanting nothing more than to dedicate the taste of the other man to memory. He'd never thought that he'd have the chance to taste him so openly again. Not after he'd run. Not after the yesterday morning.
Finn felt his body start to tremble. He already wanted more than Hideo's lips. He wanted to push him down on the couch and kiss every inch of him, taste every last bit of skin he could. He wanted to worship the body he craved so intensely. He wrestled with suppressing those desires, telling himself not to push for more than what he'd promised.
Hideo had never felt so good, his mind fuzzy and his entire body light. He groaned, his body shifting backwards. Had Finn pushed him or had he done it without thought? He didn't know. All he knew was the feel of Finn's knee know resting next to his hip, and weight the other man's body hovering over him. It felt good, too good. Even from just a kiss, he'd never felt so good. Yet, he knew this was wrong.
He was still running from what he'd come to tell Finn. Guilt started to settle in his chest, over coming the warmth. He was only leading Finn on now, giving him false hope that there was a chance of there being a them. Suddenly, he turned his head away, slightly pushing Finn back at the same time. He lay there breathless, his eyes focused on the two mugs that sat forgotten on the coffee table. "I'm sorry," he panted, closing his eyes. Why did things have to be so hard?
"Hideo?" It was cautious, nervous even. Finn moved back to where he'd been sitting, Hideo following him, both hands refusing to the leave the front of his shirt. He lightly rubbed the outside of Hideo's shoulders, hoping the motion comforted him at least a little. "What's wrong?"
"I can't. I can't be with you like we want," he whimpered, his head bowing. He hated those words, hated how bitter they tasted and how much they made his heart ache. He could feel the air around them shift. He felt Finn grow tense under his hands. He already knew how this would end and he hated it with every fiber of his being. "I'm sorry Finn…."
Finn's brows knitted together. For a moment he was in shock. He didn't understand why Hideo would come to him and apologize, admit that he wanted to be there and then outright refuse him. Anger and frustration filled him as he yanked free from Hideo's grasp. He stood, taking a step back, his eyes narrowing. "Then what is it that you want?" he asked, his voice rising, showing that he was obviously hurt. "I can't just be your friend Hideo! I can't just pretend that we don't have feelings for each other." He shook his head, taking a moment to pace, hoping it would ease his frustrations. He'd always thought Hideo was a gentle person, someone who possessed a kind heart. He'd never thought he could be so callous towards his feelings.
Letting out a miserable sigh, Hideo shook his head. He didn't want Finn to be angry. He just wanted him to understand. "I don't want to be your friend, Finn," he murmured, looking down at the now vacant spot next to him on the couch. He bit his lower lip. It was now or never. "My heart belongs to you. It always has and always will, but I can't ignore my culture or my upbringing."
"This isn't Japan! You don't have to live like that here!" Finn hissed, resting his hands on his hips. He didn't understand why Hideo kept hiding behind those reasons. America was a place of freedom, a place of opportunities that weren't back home in Japan. "No one here is going to judge you or us for being together!"
Hideo stood, his eyes narrowing just slightly. "I'm in America for now!" he growled, his hands fisting at his sides. "But I do plan to return to Japan, Finn!" He was quickly growing frustrated with Finn's tone. "I can't fall deeper in love with you and go home without you!"
Finn froze, shocked at those words. He felt time between them stop, their eyes meeting. He couldn't ignore the way his heart ached. What had Hideo meant by that? He'd thought everyone knew that Japan was like his second home. He could easily return to Japan with Hideo and continue their life together. He didn't care if they had to hide who they were and their relationship, as long as they were together. "What?"
Hideo's heart ached in his chest, his eyes falling to the floor. He closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath. He took a moment to gather his thoughts, most of them moving a million miles a second. His eyes opened and locked with Finn's. "I'm the only son in my family. I have to continue my lineage," he started, his voice already beginning to shake. "My family won't accept you as my partner. Ever. They'll disown me first."
Sighing, Finn took a step towards Hideo, the frustration starting to fall away. He shook his head, knowing just how important family was in Japan and to Hideo. "Dammit," he murmured, reaching out and resting his hands on Hideo's shoulders. "I'm sorry."
"I'm not afraid of losing my family," he murmured honestly, tears starting to settle in his eyes. "They almost cut ties with me for wrestling." He sighed, a hand coming up to scrub his tears away. "I'm afraid of opening my heart to you and not being enough. I don't want to be alone in this world Finn." He looked up, unable to hide his emotions. Similarly, he could see the conflicting emotions in Finn's gaze before he looked away. "I can't promise you a future."
Finn nodded, his hands sliding down to Hideo's, taking them in his. He brought them to his lips, pressing a tender kiss to the back of each one. Slowly, he leaned in, pressing his forehead against Hideo's. He could see the fine worry lines on Hideo's handsome face, the tears that still clung to his short lashes. He'd never seen the other man so vulnerable and open. He took a breath, taking in the feel and taste of Hideo's breath on his lips.
How had he not thought about Hideo's home life? He'd lived in Japan for eight years, he knew about their culture and customs. He released one of Hideo's hands and brought it to hold Hideo's cheek. How had all that completely slipped his mind? Onyx eyes met his and he leaned in, covering Hideo's lips with his. His kiss was met anxiously, almost desperately. It was sweet and gentle. He pulled back, hating the look of fear in Hideo's eyes. "I'm sorry," he murmured, refusing to let Hideo pull away. "I'm sorry that you would ever think that I would walk away from you."
"Finn…."
"No, listen to me Hideo," Finn said, his voice leaving no room for argument. His other hand let loose of Hideo's hand and joined his other in holding Hideo's face. "I've never loved someone so much in my life. I would never walk away from you." His brows furrowed, wanting Hideo to understand and believe him. "Please, listen to me. I understand that you can't promise me forever and I won't ask you to. But, please, please, let me have all your days here in America. We'll take this, whatever we decide, one day at a time. We'll take our time, okay?"
Hideo felt the weight on his shoulders lift, his heart racing with happiness. He nodded, his throat too tight to speak. A smile broke across his lips, his hands coming up to rest against the back of Finn's. He barely saw Finn's own smile before he leaned in and pressed their lips together again. Warmth blossomed in his chest, chasing away all the fears from before.
He finally felt like he was able to move forward with his attraction and love. They could take things slow. They could handle each task and trouble as it came to them in their relationship and in their lives. He could put his trust in Finn and enjoy the time they had together, no matter how limited it was and he would never regret it.
As much as he was enjoying the thought of their future, at that moment, all he wanted was to keep feeling Finn's lips against his. He groaned, Finn's hands sliding into his hair, carelessly messing it up. He groaned, their lips parting and tongues once again dancing together. He allowed Finn to lead him away from the couch and towards the door to his room, his heart beat growing faster, his nerves starting to get the best of him. "Finn," he whimpered as they crossed the threshold. "Too fast." He wasn't ready for this.
Finn pulled back from Hideo, chuckling. He knew what Hideo was thinking. He'd seen enough movies to know the typical ending. "I just want to hold you and kiss you. Nothing more than that," he explained, pulling Hideo into his bedroom and leading him to the bed. "Clothes stay on, shoes come off."
Hideo couldn't help but smile, toeing his shoes off and following Finn onto the bed, their lips once again fusing. He could get used to the feeling of Finn's arms around him, his hands in his hair, the taste of his lips. He really could.
(A/N): Hi everyone. I wanted to apologize for missing last week's update. I was having a lot of personal issues going on and it made it very hard for me to write. Honestly, at one point I really thought about giving up completely and walking away because I'd gotten so discouraged about writing as a whole. But things are looking up, and I'm happy to present the talk these two needed to have. Now let's hope Enzo and Cass can have their talk too. If you haven't noticed, our little story is starting to wind down to a close. So as always, I'd love to hear your thoughts and speculations! Thank you for reading! Onwards and upwards loves!
JacktheSinister_JaketheJust
