+ Warnings: Sexytime, McFahrt's knickers, Lee crying and dog food. Not in that order.
+ A/N: I actually can't listen to 'Prince Charming' by Adam Ant without thinking of this story, now.
Chronicles Of Max
Chapter 29: Mankinis Complete With Nipple Tassels
Saturday 3rd May '08
7.25 in the am
"'ELLOOO!"
A minute later
That shout was not from me. Nor was it from Mariam. And contrary to what you might be thinking, now… Nor was it Tyson.
It did in fact come from the new 'glory hole' in our wall.
I am going to have to block that up with something.
Tyson's arse might fit in it.
Actually, no. God knows what could happen, then.
7.28 in the am
A vibrator has just been pushed through the glory hole.
I'm not touching it.
It looks as though it's been used.
And from the way Tala and Kai are now cackling evilly… I'd say it probably has been used.
A minute later
"Maaaax? Can you throw us our vibrator back, please?"
Not a fucking chance.
A minute later
EWW!! I touched it!
I must go and decontaminate myself.
A minute later
"Max, please don't tell me you actually gave them their vibrator back?"
Mariam is looking at me with raised eyebrows.
"It was only courteous to do so," I said, shrugging. "Besides, I didn't want that thing lurking in this room for the next two years. You know how their things seem to find their way into this room, and don't leave again."
We both looked at Bam. The cat.
Mariam looked back and me, and nodded.
A minute later
I don't even know how long we've had that cat in here for, actually.
A minute later
When was the last time it was fed?!
"OI! Kai!" I shouted through the glory hole.
"WHAT?" he shouted back, his purple eyes staring at me.
"When was the last time you fed your cat?" I asked.
"I dunno. I haven't seen him for a while," Kai replied.
"That's because he's in our room," I said.
"WHAT'S HE DOING IN THERE?! IS THIS REVENGE?! DID YOU KIDNAP HIM BECAUSE I KIDNAPPED YOU? OH, HOW COULD YOU MAX? AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE A FRIEEEND!"
I wish I hadn't bloody said anything, now.
A minute later
I have returned the cat to it's rightful owners.
By pushing it through the glory hole.
You might think that's cruel, but it isn't. The glory hole is just massive. In fact, I think Kai and Tala have secretly made it bigger.
They're probably going to make it into a whole fucking window.
Maybe even a door.
Hell, they might just get rid of the wall completely.
30 seconds later
Oh my God.
I cannot let them do that!
That is one of the worst things that could happen ever.
Breakfast
8.04 in the am
I've calmed down somewhat, though I'm still looking suspiciously at Tala and Kai. Because I know they're planning something… They've got that look in their eyes that says, 'Max… We're planning something and you're not going to like it.'
Though, it could be that look that says, 'Max… Why are you staring at us as though we're about to pounce on you and shove our cocks up your arse?'
I've just given myself mental images.
A minute later
"PRINCE CHARMING! PRINCE CHARMING! RIDICULE IS NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF! DON'T YOU EVER… DON'T YOU EVER… STOP BEING DANDY, SHOWING ME YOU'RE HANDSOME!"
Those bloody dinner ladies…
"You know, that song was clearly made for me," Tala said.
"I disagree. It was made for me," Lee butted in.
He's not even sat with us, but sat at the table behind Tala and Kai again.
"It was not made for you and your hairy penis," Tala countered. He's narrowed his eyes, but he's not even looking at Lee. So it just looks as though he's squinting at me.
"I'll have you know I shaved this morning," Lee said.
Thanks for that, Lee.
A few minute later
"Has anyone else noticed that we've been given dog food for breakfast?" I ask.
The others nodded.
I worry about those dinner ladies more and more every day…
A minute later
Do you know who else I worry about more and more every day?
Bryan.
He has just walked into the canteen, and sat with us. He is wearing a pair of giant, flowery knickers on his head, with the leg holes looped on his ears.
Three guesses as to who the bloomers belong to.
"Bryan… Why in the name of Lee's shaven scrotum-" I began.
"- and penis," Lee interrupted.
"- and penis," I nodded at Lee, "are you wearing McFahrt's knickers on your head?"
"They're comfy," he shrugged.
"Comfy as they may be, my little Bry-Bry, I need them back."
McFahrt has arrived.
How did we not see her approaching?
And also… Why does she need them back now? Please, God… Don't say she has no knickers on. Please. I beg you. Seriously.
A minute later
Bryan is stubbornly refusing to give McFahrt her knickers back. Can they please take their argument elsewhere? I have a really bad feeling about the outcome.
"Yo, peoples," Spencer announced his arrival, and sat on my lap.
"Can you get off my boyfriend, please, Spence?" Mariam asked, raising her eyebrows at the REALLY HEAVILY BLONDE RUSSIAN SAT ON MY LAP!
OH MY GOD! HE'S SQUASHING MY THIGHS!
"Sorry, didn't see him there," Spencer replied, and sat next to me.
Didn't see me?
I'm not that short.
Am I?
Oh my God. What if I am really short? WHAT IF I'M A DWARF?!
"No, Max. You are not that short," Mariam said.
Wow. She can read my mind.
A minute later
"Fine, have your smelly knickers back!"
Oh good, Bryan's finally given them ba- OH MY GOD!
A minute later
Poor Spencer has fainted. Onto my lap. Which means his dead weight is back on my thighs.
Why has he fainted, you ask?
McFahrt pulled her skirt up to put her knickers back on.
She had one leg on a chair.
We all got a view of her… Thing. You know. Love muffin. Bitch wrinkle. Oyster ditch. VAGINA!
It is not nice.
It's not shaved.
It is like a fucking bristly forest.
IT'S SCENT IS WAFTING AT ME!
And you know how you just want to stop staring, but you can't seem to? Yeah. I think we all have that.
30 seconds later
Kai looks traumatised.
"It was next to me. It was hairy. IT WAS ATTACHED TO A WOMAN!"
"Well, yes, Kai. That's where you'd generally find them," Mariam said.
"Unless you're Tyson," Tala pointed out.
"Tala…" Kai said quietly."
"Yes, my favouritist penis-owner?"
"HOLD ME!"
Kai burst into tears, and Tala hugged him, also looking teary.
That is one epic phobia of vaginas…
Back in Room 101
9.10 in the am
Ahh, boredom ensues. Tyson is reading another pregnancy magazine, and Mariam and I are just lay on our bed. Cuddling. And listening to Tala and Kai giggle as they attempt to fit both of their penises through the glory hole at the same time.
I will chop them off… I will…
A minute later
Knock, knock, knock.
Someone's at the door. Of course, Tyson and Mariam aren't going to answer it, so it is up to me to stop being lazy and open the door to-
Oh, for the love of vaginas.
How much nudity am I going to be exposed to today?
"Lee, why are you naked?" I ask the boy stood at the door.
"SOMETHING HORRIFIC HAS HAPPENED, DUDE!" he yells.
"You haven't been exposed to McFahrt's vagina again, have you?" Tyson called over his shoulder.
"No, man! MY MANKINI SNAPPED!"
He burst into tears, and rolled around on the floor, waving the broken mankini in the air. And there was me thinking it was something actually horrific…
"Don't worry, Lee, we'll buy you a new one," Mariam said.
"Will we?" I asked, raising my eyebrow at her.
"Yes. Because we have nothing else to do," she replied, nodding.
"Thank you! THANK YOU! I shall kiss your feet!" Lee said, crawling towards them.
"Thaaat won't be necessary," I said, scowling and moving my feet away from Lee.
"We'll go into town, and we'll buy you a new mankini," Mariam said, standing up from our bed. "But you're going to have to wear some clothes."
"Why?" Lee questioned.
Is he dim?
Actually, that's a stupid question.
"Because you'll embarrass us," Mariam replied. "And you'll probably get arrested."
In town
9.57 in the am
We eventually persuaded Lee to put some clothes on.
We had to promise him that we'd let him walk back to the school in the new mankini.
That's if we get a new mankini.
Where the Hell are we going to get one from?
Five minutes later
Of course.
From the mankini shop.
Why didn't I realise…
A minute later
They have pink mankinis, mankinis with frills, mankinis complete with nipple tassels, mankinis complete with an elephant where your cock goes…
"I'M IN HEAVEN!" Lee shouts, and begins trying on every mankini.
Surely… He can't do that?
A hour later
We are still in the damn mankini shop.
We can't tear Lee away from the precious mankinis.
I hope Mariam is seriously regretting saying we'll buy Lee a new mankini.
"I'm seriously regretting saying we'll buy him a new mankini," Mariam says.
Ha, ha and triple HA.
Fifteen minutes later
We have now left the mankini shop. Lee eventually decided on a green mankini that was exactly like his old one.
Of course, he is wearing it as we're walking up the street. He looks so happy and proud of himself.
He owes me 30 quid…
Room 101
8.30 in the pm
We have just managed to shake off Lee. He's been hanging around like a bad smell. Like a bad vagina. Like a- I'll shut up. Tyson is also 'out'. He's gone to one of the potential daddies. He didn't say why, he just said he was going.
That leaves Mariam and I.
Alone.
With the room to ourselves.
"You know Tala and Kai could easily interrupt through that bloody hole?" Mariam said, when I suggested sex.
"Yes, I know, but…"
"I do not feel like having to steal another sex tape of us from them."
"But…"
"Max, no."
"But I'm horny!"
I gave her my ultimate puppy eyes, and she caved in. Just as we were snuggling down into the covers, a voice popped up.
"We have this camera rolling, you know."
The bastards.
"Never mind…" I sighed.
"Yeah… It's not like we need sex. The damage is already done," Mariam said.
What does she mean by that?
+ A/N: What DOES Mariam mean?!
I'm not telling you.
