Author's note: It's St. Patrick's Day and I was feeling a little mischievous... Oh, and the subject matter is a little mature. Not to mention immature, too.
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Four Leaf Clovers Don't Stand Up to Warlocks
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Gaius, sitting outside and deep into one of Merlin's medical books, was right in the middle of a very interesting chapter on diseases of the kidneys when a pitiful (and astonishingly high-pitched) shriek rent the air. Putting his book down, he was already on his way up the stairs when a quivering Gwen came racing up to him in the corridor.
"Please, Gaius, you must come quick!"
"What is it, my dear?"
"It's Gwaine. When he screamed, I rushed into the lavatory and found... well, he thinks he's dying!"
"I AM DYING, GWEN!" the knight in question cried from the other side of the lavatory door. "HOW COULD YOU EVER BE SO HEARTLESS AS TO SAY ANY DIFFERENT? MY LIFE IS OVER! IT'S ALL OVER!"
Gwen was biting her lip and Gaius could've sworn she was doing her best not to laugh. "You'd best go see him," she said.
"THERE'S NO POINT TO GOING ON!" Gwaine continued to moan.
"I think you're right," Gaius told Gwen. She nodded, shaking with suppressed giggles and went downstairs while he continued up. Coming to the lavatory, Gaius knocked on the door. "Gwaine, please let me in."
"IT'S NOT WORTH IT! YOU CAN'T SAVE ME! NOTHING WILL EVER BE WELL AGAIN!"
"Gwaine, let me in!"
There was a sniffle, then a pause, and finally Gwaine said, "All right, but only you, Gaius. Don't let Gwen witness my shameful affliction again!"
"Only me," Gaius agreed.
The lock on the door clicked and one eye showed as Gwaine checked to make sure. Finding only Gaius standing outside, he opened the door just wide enough for the man to enter.
"Now, what seems to be the problem?" Gaius asked the naked man.
"Can't you see?" Gwaine asked. He looked down. "My...my manhood! It's... it's..."
Gaius just managed to stop himself from gasping. Instead, he schooled his features into a proper physician's expression (though he could not hide a hint of perplexity as well), and said calmly, "Well, I admit, I've never seen a man's member, uh, that was... emerald green... before. But I'm sure it's nothing to worry about."
"NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT?" Gwaine screeched.
"Sorry, that was inconsiderate."
"But surely you've at least heard of something like this before, haven't you? Please tell me you have!" Gwaine begged desperately.
"Uh...not precisely."
"I'M DOOMED! IT'S THE END OF ALL THINGS!" Gwaine nearly wept.
"Have courage, Sir Gwaine. I'm sure we can find the answer."
It was when Gwaine asked, "Give it to me straight: it's some terrible pox and this is the finally stage before it falls off completely, isn't it?" that a possible explanation occurred to Gaius. Putting on his best clinical manner, he started in on the list of questions he usually asked in any examination. "Have you eaten anything strange lately?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Tell me what you ate yesterday."
"All the leftover spaghetti, five salmon sandwiches, three slices of ham, six pickles, three bananas - "
"Is there any possibility you're pregnant?" Gaius asked, interrupting.
"Is a green member something that happens to everyone who gets pregnant?" a hysterical Gwaine cried.
"Actually, pregnant people tend to lack that particular piece of anatomy," Gaius said, realizing Gwaine was not in a fit state for logic. "I was being facetious. Go on."
"Two servings of pad thai, an egg, some blue stuff I found at the back of the fridge, a hamburger, a Super-Grande taco from that place in the village, four slices of pissa with sardines - "
"Pizza," Gaius corrected. "And you feel perfectly all right otherwise?"
"Yes."
"Fascinating!"
"And, let's see, some peanuts, cereal with blackberries, nine cookies and an ale milkshake."
"Where in the world did you get an ale milkshake?"
"Merlin taught me how to use the blender last week."
"Ah, I see," Gaius said. "I'm not quite sure why it's always Arthur Merlin worries about getting fat," he mumbled under his breath.
"What was that, Gaius?"
"Nothing, my boy, nothing. Now, how have you been sleeping?"
"Like a log."
"Have you exposed yourself to uh... any questionable companionship lately?"
"That's what I was planning on doing tonight!" Gwaine wailed.
"Fine, fine, yes. Have you been keeping warm enough?"
"Yes."
"Getting sufficient exercise?"
"Yes."
"Washing regularly?"
"Once a fortnight!" Gwaine asserted, a touch proudly at successfully sticking to this new duty.
"How about your clothes? Have you washed them any time lately?"
"I do them at the same time."
"Last question: have you by any chance recently angered an extremely powerful sorcerer?"
Gwaine's mouth fell open.
"Say, I don't know, by suggesting his need to lay with a woman when he was trying to introduce us all to Ms. Stewart from UNIT, in hopes of getting her assistance?"
With an earth-shattering roar of "MERLIN!" Gwaine leapt to his feet and barrelled out the door.
"Gwaine, wait!" Gaius yelled after him.
From downstairs they physician heard Arthur bellow, "GWAINE, CLOTHES! You are in the presence of your Queen!"
"It's all right, Arthur," Gwen said, "I've already seen it."
"WHAT?" the King demanded.
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Yeah, I know. I'm about twelve. Anyway, a few things:
First, I'm sure some of you noticed the tiny Doctor Who reference, but if any of you know her exact rank (military or academic, like "Doctor" or "Professor") I'd love for you to let me know because she might show up again.
Second, to "older and amused": thank you for your PM. I'm sorry for not getting back to you the second time. I am working on that piece I was telling you about, so hopefully you might see it next week.
And finally, huge thanks to everyone who's reviewed, or even just kept reading, these little snippets. I'm sorry there haven't been many lately, but I've been having some problems with my left leg that make sitting for long periods a bit difficult. Nothing serious (one doctor says inflamed ligament, the other says pinched nerve, and, given the last few days I've had, I'm more worried about my joints), but it does keep me from any long writing sessions. But I'm going to try harder to get back into the habit!
In any case, I hope you enjoyed this, because I did have a lot of fun writing it!
