29: Slide

Joey looked up at the sound of the back door opening and Angela came into the house frantic like a hurricane, knocking over a stack of clean clothes that sat on the kitchen table. Craig came in a moment later, slow and looking relaxed until he saw the mess on the floor. He quickly bent down to help.

"Craig and I want to go to the park," Angie declared, ignoring the laundry on the table as she climbed onto a kitchen chair.

"It's a beautiful day. We're tired of the backyard," Craig encouraged. He was beginning to think the outside world didn't exist; it was school, Joey's dealership, home. He barely got to see his friends. There was only before and after school, lunch, and in between classes to hang out for five minutes, ten if he was lucky. Sometimes he thought they looked relieved that they didn't have to take care of him on a Friday night. They weren't the only ones giving him watchful looks. The teachers did that too during roll call. Yes he was still here, Craig would think to himself as he raised his hand. Was that what Joey's problem was? He thought that he was using this trip to the park as some elaborate scheme to run away?

"Park! Park!" Angie encouraged, hopping down and bouncing over to Craig.

"Listen to the kid, Joey. I wouldn't want to play with you either. You don't do anything!" Craig argued with a playful smile.

"Hey!" Joey argued back jokingly. "Motion sickness tends to creep up on you when you are old."

"So let Ang hang with someone who…you know…actually plays."

"Yeah!" Angie echoed in agreement. Her father was only mildly annoying at the park, choosing to hang out at the picnic benches with the other parents while she ran around with the other kids. But she felt like she had to take a side this time. Something was different with her brother. Not that she knew what it was; no one ever told her anything. She just knew that he needed someone on his side.

"Guys, I have to start dinner soon," the father figure announced.

"I can take her," Craig flat out stated the fact and didn't buy Joey's diversion. He watched as Joey hesitated, biting his lip a little. Craig felt Angie wrap her arms around his waist and give him a squeeze. He smiled and gently rubbed her head.

"How about you watch a video or play a game?" Joey offered suggestions, trying to avoid looking at Craig. He basically kept that kid on lock-down, aware of where he was at any moment. It gave him a weird mixture of relief, guilt, and confusion. He had no idea what he was doing.

"Joey, come on," Craig encouraged with a nervous laugh.

"Are you still fighting?" Angie questioned. Why couldn't her brother take her to the park like he used to? His friends weren't coming over either. None of this made sense.

"No, we're not fighting," Craig reassured, feeling guilty. The past month had been hard since he was grounded and couldn't drink or pop pills even if he wanted to. Sober, everything was louder, faster, stronger, higher, lower. He didn't have that cushion of the buzz anymore. Situations were real and he was there. He couldn't deal with the feeling of that sometimes.

Music was the only thing that was keeping him sane lately. He spent hours on the internet looking for new music, something to cling to. Then he'd take whatever he heard and tried to put it into his own songs. It wasn't calming him down much though. The energy and thoughts kept coming, jabs of bad memories and experiences mixing up with what he wanted to put down on paper. He just had to get it to settle down, clean up the mess, and focus. He tried to keep his mp3 player on at all times to keep the thoughts out or to have them make sense when his favorite songs came on.

"Craig, did you eat breakfast?"

Joey tried again and this time Craig looked up, ear buds still in and music blaring. He could see Joey's mouth moving. "Breakfast."

"Oh. I'm not hungry," Craig replied, his voice louder than normal because of the music flowing into his ears. "I really just want to get to school. I actually have this amazing idea for a song. I want to get my music teacher's opinion…talk to Ash about it, if she wants to. Maybe she'd be into it. Not that she's…"

Joey pulled out one of Craig's ear buds. "Sit down and…"

Craig felt the anger flame upward. Joey was taking everything away. He caught himself with this thought; his mind sounded like his father, Albert Manning. Sometimes Craig cleared his throat like this would get rid of the mental tone he couldn't shake in those intense moments that felt like they would last forever. Craig never imagined it would hurt so much. Giving up alcohol and drugs was similar to the process of laying his parents six feet under.

Sometimes he wished the was that unwanted baby given up for adoption and on the search for his parents. At least then he would know what he was searching for. Or running from. That sensation was an odd one. He used to feel wild, running at high speed. He might have taken things too fast but at least he was moving towards something, even if it was some dangerous habits. Now he was like some rabid dog chasing his tail; dizzy, angry and foaming at the mouth.

Craig sharply turned and faced Joey. "I said that I'm not fucking hungry."

"Hey!" Joey barked and Angie cowered some at the potential brewing of a fight.

Craig was trying. He knew that Joey didn't have 100% faith in him. He knew that from the glances he'd get if he popped an aspirin or used eye drops. The liquor cabinet was locked and any remaining beer was sent home with Snake and Spike after a get together dinner one night. He just watched as things happened; trying not to react, trying to prove that he was okay. And he was. But he still faked sleep (it felt like he hadn't slept in weeks) when Joey checked his room late at night, curious to see if he was still there. He knew his running away from home haunted his step-dad. And Angie was picking up on whatever was going on.

"We're not fighting," Joey agreed, wanting to erase the tension that existed in their household.

"Yeah," Angie realized. "I mean you brought home that ice cream cake for Craig. And it wasn't even his birthday. So why can't we go to the park?"

Joey watched as Craig blushed at that and waited for him to explain. He recalled as the runaway teen pleaded over the phone that he wanted him to forget the party, nearly drinking himself into a coma, and then leaving home when things were tense. He and Caitlin didn't know what to do. It made sense at the time to reward Craig for his thirty days sober. They gave him encouraging words but Joey silently knew that he was only sure of them because of the times he and Ms. Sauvé would take him into the nurse's office before school for a random drug test. It all seemed surreal.

Craig sighed. Cue the moment when Joey rubbed his shoulder as a consolation prize, take him by the elbow and led him out of earshot of whoever else was in the room so he could explain why things were different now. This time they were at home and he led him past the liquor cabinet with its shiny new lock and into the living room, away from Angie who lingered by the kitchen table and was now nibbling at a fingernail.

"Joey, come on. It's the park!" Craig tried with a quick smile to reassure that he was okay, no mood swing this time. He was fine now, even if inside he felt like he was jumping all over the place. He finished the rest of his statement silently and sarcastically it wasn't like he'd find a crack dealer there, at least not in the daylight.

"You can trust me with Angie…my sister, your daughter," Craig continued, semi-aware of the guilt trip he was laying. It's not like I'm a stranger, he finished in thought. He felt a flicker of doubt and anger under the surface. Did Sean tell his step-dad about the time when he was rolling too hard at the mall and lost her? Was that it? No, his friend would rat him out like that. He understand why he was grounded indefinitely but this was ridiculous. And insulting.

Maybe he was being too cautious, Joey realized. He was trying to avoid Craig's obvious discomfort much like he tried to ignore the crying he sometimes heard late at night or the scowl on his face when Snake dropped him off at the car lot every day after school because Joey didn't trust his son with freedom like a car. He wasn't doing it to hurt him. "Craig, it's just that it's going to take awhile to earn that trust back."

That was all Craig heard lately. Joey watched as Craig's eyes glazed over and then his stare turned down to the floor. It took him a few moments to gather himself enough to utter it. It came out as a whisper, "Joey, I have 34 days. I'm doing AA."

Joey nodded at that. He wanted him to do the evaluation session with the substance abuse counselor but somehow the deal ended up being that he would drop him off at meetings every Sunday night at a local church. It seemed like a fair trade.

"I know you don't trust me. I don't blame you. But I'm trying. Can't you?" Craig continued when he didn't get a response.

"I know you are. And I'm proud of you," Joey reassured. Then louder stated, "Okay. Home by dinner, guys."


Craig pumped the swing higher and higher, enjoying the bright blue sky above him. When he was Angie's age, he always loved the rhythm of the movement, back and forth, back and forth like he was being rocked to sleep. And the height, higher and higher, like if he just pumped fast and hard enough it would take him out of there. In the winter and he and the other boys would swing as high as they could and then jump off, crashing into the pillow of snow. He spent many recesses on time out when the teachers caught them. But it had all been worth it, that one brief moment when he was flying and out of this world (far, far away from here).

"Where were you?" Angie piped up from below. She frantically tried to get herself in sync with Craig, who was zipping forward and behind her.

"When?"

"When you weren't at home for days. Dad wouldn't tell me anything."

"Uh…I ran away. Promise me you won't do anything like that kid. It was probably the biggest mistake I ever made. It just made things worse," Craig explained.

Angie was quiet for a few moments. "But I did."

"What?"

"I ran away once. You can't tell Dad."

"When was this?"

"When Caitlin moved in. It was weird. So I packed up my favorite toys and took Snickers my stuffed dog and I tried to run away. I got scared and didn't dare cross the street though. So I went back home."

Craig looked away so Angie wouldn't see him smile. He was sure it was a huge deal to her. Then he looked down at his kid sister. "Was it because of Mom? I mean, Joey, um Dad, told us that she's like a Mom but we can still remember Mom. Caitlin isn't replacing her."

"I don't know," Angie replied with a giggle. Then in all seriousness asked, "Tell me more about Mom. I can't remember her sometimes."

"She used to play The Beatles while she cleaned the house. She'd play it loud too, so loud that the bass would thump the floor. She never turned the stereo up, or even on, when my dad was home," Craig watched as Angie smiled at that. They both remembered how he would blast music and they would jump and dance on the couch when Joey and Caitlin were out on a date night and stayed out late.

"She used to paint. Sometimes she'd…"

"I know that!" Angie interrupted. They still had some of Mom's paintings around the house. At the least the ones that weren't too out there, Craig recalled and smiled. That was one thing his father and Joey could agree on.

"She was a secretary at some office. I used to end up down there sometimes after school. She'd let me drink those little cups of cream and scan my hands on the copy machine. Man my dad would have hated that if he knew…" Craig trailed off. Something was in his head now, the memory lifting itself up from it's deep roots. He shook his head a little and tried to rid the memory of fights. Fights about work? Fights about him? What?

Make it go away. He looked over at his kid sister and she was smiling. "She was the one who taught me the game of 'tunnels.' We would play it in the basement with old blankets and the fold out chairs we used during big family dinners. It was a nice house so the basement wasn't really creepy…"

"Like dad's. With spiders," Angie chimed in.

"Yeah. We had a nice basement. We always had nice things," Craig hesitated. There was his darkroom with the expensive enlarger and photo chemicals much later. Sometimes he though he should have stayed. He really didn't have it that bad. Then there was another memory, as sharp as the jabs he felt when his father kicked him. "Uh, yeah…anyway we used to set up this fort, this maze of tunnels with blankets. It's weird playing it with you now because back then it felt so big and like it was this other world."

"I'm still mad at you for scaring me!" Angie proclaimed, remembering when her brother was babysitting one night and they turned all the lights off and crawled through them in the dark. Her older brother had turned out his flashlight and popped out, scaring her and causing her to shriek loudly. She didn't want to talk to him after that, even after a bowl of ice cream.

"I'm sorry. I really am. I don't know why I do things sometimes. I uh," Craig felt himself drifting away a little, sort of how he felt when he was upset or drunk. Things felt different. The sky wasn't as blue and he couldn't feel his hands gripping the chains of the swing. "It was so weird. How things used to be. My dad didn't care about all that. As long as Mom made dinner and I didn't act up. But then he…" Craig struggled to remember. He really couldn't. When did things go bad?

"I get mad at you sometimes. Not because you scared me when we were playing tunnels. I just get mad at you," Angie felt safe to confess, her voice barely above a whisper.

Craig quickly dropped his feet down to the ground and skidded to a halt. "Why?'

"Because you had Mom for longer than I did."

Craig's face fell into intense sadness. He thought he was the only one who sometimes felt that jealousy; Angie had his mom, their mom, during the last year of her life. He hated himself when he had those thoughts. He wasn't even sure what to say to console his kid sister. "That's okay to be mad about things like that. I…I uh, wish that we could've all lived together. I used to get angry about that."

"And I don't like how Dad pays more attention to you!" Angie nearly yelled. "He's my dad!"

Craig opened his mouth but nothing came out. He instantly saw the divide: they weren't talking about his real dad. They were talking about Joey. Craig blinked hard at that thought. He still couldn't help but separate his families, the different parts of his life. He felt himself drifting away from that and was back down on the ground, his feet in the sand and he was next to the swing set. It wasn't about his dad. They were talking about Joey now. Focus Craig, he told himself.

It wasn't like it was positive attention. Joey had to keep bailing him out of trouble and trying to help him sort through the mess in his head. It wasn't like a father praising his son for making the honor roll. No, it was consoling him over his dead father or encouraging him to attend counseling. Like Angie said, the ice cream cake wasn't for his birthday.

He heard Angie start to cry and he quickly got to his feet and eased her swing down. He kneeled down by her. "Hey. Hey, kiddo it's okay."

"You're not mad?"

"At you? I could never be mad at you."

"You scare me when you are mad."

"I scare myself when I'm mad."

He almost said it. How he becomes angry like his father. His little sister was thinking it too, he could tell. She had to know. Joey had to have sat her down for a talk when he first moved in and explained that he couldn't live with his dad anymore because Dad hits Craig. Now he was the one who struggled with that anger. Angie knew. Everyone thought that, he assumed and clenched his fist some out of paranoia. He didn't want to be that way and it was almost unbearable to control.

"Push me on the merry go round," Angie declared and took off running, no longer aware of the tears she'd wiped away. Craig jogged along after her and watched her climb on. "Push me fast," she instructed, fully aware of the benefits of an older kid spinning over one of her peers.

Craig grinned and began to push. His strength was beneficial here. "Faster!" he heard Angie squeal, clutching the handle bar and looking terrified and ecstatic at the same time. "I can't go much faster!" he playfully shouted back but gave the ride one strong push before hopping on. He arrived on the merry go round with a loud clang and Angie felt his weight as he arrived on with a bump.

Craig laid down on the merry go round, enjoying the warmth of the metal. It was the first real day of Spring. The kind that teased you about the summer that was approaching. He hadn't seen the sky this clear in quite awhile and they had left their jackets back at the slide. Tomorrow might bring freezing rain but today felt like Spring.

"Did your dad and Mom ever take you to the park like this?" Angie asked.

"She would play at the park. I remember the moms used to sit at the picnic table while all of us kids played…but she would actually slide down the slide and swing with me."

Angie giggled at that, remembering their conversation with Joey who refused to ride the merry go round because of motion sickness.

"Why couldn't you live with your dad anymore?" Angie asked, suddenly curious about why she spent a few days at Grandma's while her dad took care of Craig as he moved in.

"Well…uh…" Craig fumbled for words. It was strange how the memory seemed far away at the moment. That was good. It meant his attempt to push it as far back as it would go were working. "He used to hit me. And Joey and other people thought that I shouldn't stay there with him."

Angie waited until the merry go round came to a stand still. Then she approached Craig and kneeled over him. "He used to hit you?" Angie asked and studied Craig's face. She struggled with this information. "Like he spanked you?"

"Um. Some of that. But he used to hit me on other parts of my body. He would kick me. Push me into walls," Craig confessed, feeling young as the memories came back.

"You must have been scared."

"No," Craig quickly replied, wanting to feel strong. Because he wasn't afraid. It was just things that happened. Had to happen. He deserved it and probably still needed to have something like that happen when he considered his monumental screw ups lately. Then he saw the flash of something. It was like he was outside of himself and watching his father grab at him, shake him, and demand to know what was wrong with him. He ordered his brain to shut off, not wanting to recall the rest of the fight as it escalated. He remembered how he used to creep around his own house, afraid of making mistakes. "Yeah."

Angie shook her head, unable to imagine. "I'm glad that Dad doesn't spank me."

"But I deserved it," Craig admitted. The words just fell out. He quickly sat up, aware of what he was doing. "Hey kiddo, you need to tell Joey…Dad…or me if anyone ever treats you that way. It anyone ever pushes you, hits you, or kicks you. If you get bruises from it. That's when you need to tell."

"But why was it okay for your dad to hit you but someone can't hit me?"

"Because you are Angie the princess," Craig said with a giggle and tickled his sister. She laughed back and gave into the quick hug.

"Craig, no," Angie said after a moment in all seriousness. She wanted an answer. "Why did you deserve it?"

"I don't know. I guess I didn't," Craig replied but it sounded more like a question. "I think sometimes it's just easier to think that I did."

"What did you do that was so bad?"

Craig brushed a tear off his cheek when he realized that he couldn't even recall. He was just bad.

"I don't think you should have been hit," Angie consoled. "And my Dad thought that too. That's why you had to come live with us."

"Are you sure you don't mind?"

"We don't mind. We like you Craig," Angie paused and waited for her brother to say something. He still looked sad. So she smiled at him and said, "I like playing with you the most."

"But I screw up a lot."

"It's okay. We love you anyway," Angie reassured.


Ashley. What could he say about her? He said a lot to Ms. Sauvé; sometimes complaining about how she refused to look or speak to him in the hallways of Degrassi one week and then the next rambling about how things felt like they were back to normal. It was easier to talk about her than why he drank in school or ran away from home. The school shrink seemed interested enough but Craig got discouraged when she seemed to want to settle him down after hearing him ramble, bringing him away from hope and saying that he had a lot of years and relationships ahead of him.

Craig never thought about long term. A part of him always thought he wouldn't survive the year. He couldn't say that in therapy though. No, that would cause worry and prompt the questions about suicide. The point blank ones that made him embarrassed but also think the questioner was a complete moron. He had peeked at his file once when a staff member pulled Sauvé out of the office. Seeing his history there on paper was disturbing. Yeah, the suicide attempt happened but that didn't mean it would happen again. Craig was used to the way it would creep in, stalk in like stealth criminal and stab him with it. It hurt, sure. But he always survived.

Survival. No, he definitely wouldn't make it past age 18, 20, 25. He was being generous with time here. He wasn't even sure what would do him in. But he knew he wasn't going to make it so it was much easier to battle moments, trying to live in them and make them work. Sometimes his thoughts were like a little checklist and he couldn't move on. He was stuck on Ashley.

She and all his other friends were supportive that first day back to school after he ran away. Unaware of when he actually returned home, Ashley, Ellie, Sean, Marco, Spinner…the whole crew had approached him the hall. It felt reassuring. This gang of support blocking him off from the curious gazes in the hall. It was like being the new kid at school, only not. It almost felt safe, comforting.

Then the warmth slowly drained away. Craig didn't want to answer their questions and pushed them back emotionally. His friends seemed watchful of him; aware of his every move like he was some stranger on the street they had to be weary of. He often heard Joey joke about how he referred to Caitlin as the ice princess in high school. They laughed about it now but Craig couldn't help but compare it to Ashley's treatment towards him. It was frigid.

He had enough. "Why aren't you talking to me? You can't even stand to look at me," Craig accused one morning before school. "I mean it's bad enough being back here and dealing with everyone else who thinks I'm…I don't even want to know what they are saying."

"I heard about what happened. What you did, who you did."

"What?" Craig pulled her under the stairwell, giving them only a slight bit of privacy. She refused to meet his gaze.

"I didn't think you would move on so fast," Ashley replied in a hurry. She always did that when upset. In a rush. Her eyes couldn't stay focused on one thing, which was good because she was fighting tears.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," he said with a smile, nervous but endearing. Come on, come on, warm up to him. Melt a little. He watched as Ashley shook her head.

"Evie," Ashley whispered. That one was hard to say. Then spoke up and accused louder, "Jennifer Geo-"

"Who?" Craig cut her off.

"Oh my God you don't even know her name do you? Everyone saw you at that party."

"Her. Um. That week was kind of crazy when I…left Joey's. I don't really remember what happened." Craig waited for a response. At least she was meeting his gaze now, so much behind her eyes. He couldn't even pinpoint what she was feeling. "Ash it didn't mean anything."

"Maybe it meant something to her!"

"Okay. Um. Is that what she's saying? I mean stuff happens at parties." Craig was sure he looked confused. That was what she had to say about it? Why did Ashley care so much? "You are the one who dumped me, remember?"

Ashley kept shaking her head. She had no idea who this guy was anymore. She had been afraid to give her first time to him, so weary of that moment when she realized that it meant nothing to him like her mom always warned. Is that who Craig was? "So how many times did we have sex while you were completely wasted? How many times did you say you loved me when you were too drunk to remember?"

"I never said anything like that to either of them. Believe me our intentions were pretty clear," Craig stated, his tone harsher now. Why would she doubt any of that now? No one trusted him now. He got that message loud and clear. But what was he supposed to do about it?

"But did you mean it when you said it to me?"

He could see the tears in her eyes now. "I don't know how to reassure you that I did." She turned away from him at that point, anxious to scurry away to the girl's washroom. "Ash. Come on." Craig tried to stop her and break her path forward. "You know me. You know I meant it."

She hadn't just given him her virginity. She gave him private moments. Ashley had confessed things; words that made her insecure, worries that made her feel to stupid to admit but he never treated her like they were. He'd let her ramble away about problems that seemed monumental, like a boil, and let the conversation drain it away. She let him in. Into her heart, mind, and her body. Ashley wasn't just angry at Craig for what felt like a betrayal. She was angry at herself for letting her guard down and allowing herself to be hurt. "I don't know you anymore."

Then it started to thaw. It took him getting past 30 days of being sober, an awkward milestone at home, in Sauvé's office, and in the caf with his friends. Everyone seemed to want to respond to it. They were being nice. And as much as Craig wanted to appreciate it, he couldn't. It was like they were acting out of some guideline to life or something they saw on some after school special. He did his best to play along and actually felt some relief in it. It was easy to spit out the lines he was expected to say. Things were good. He was doing great. He knew what to say and almost took away the grit of spitting out what he knew he should say. His mind was quick and smooth to assure that he was okay. He was. He was doing this.

Maybe they started to trust him again. Marco, the student body president and always nervous as a squirrel, didn't busy himself with homework when he walked into a classroom. Now they chatted a bit in the last 5 minutes of study hall at the end of the day because their supervisor didn't care. Ellie actually brought up her mother around him and didn't avert her eyes like she felt she was in danger or this was something that would trigger him and he'd want to hit the bottle too. He was the last to know about Spinner playing drums with a new band. Craig could tell from the casual acknowledgment all around. He was the only one who seemed surprised, "Who are you playing with? When did this happen?" "I think I forgot to mention it. But hey, with you grounded and Jimmy still in the hospital it makes sense that we move on right?"

And Ash? They did start talking again with the unexpected arrival of a mix CD. "You must miss the band," Ashley explained as she handed one off after school while he waited for Snake to wrap things up in media immersion and drop him off at Joey's car lot.

And then it happened. They couldn't talk much at school so the mix CD's started saying what they couldn't, sometimes more. Craig analyzed the songs she chose for her play lists and tried to respond to them in his own mix. One included a hand scrawled note: "I can't always say what I mean, but I hope this tells you I meant what I said." He sometimes still had trouble writing the word love. He'd gotten accustomed to saying it to relatives or people like Joey who pretended to be a parent who loved him, but not with writing it. That would be too honest. But it wasn't that he didn't mean it. He just couldn't place the feeling.

Sometimes he would pass off the latest CD's he was into. The Kevin Devine ones seemed to let her into his world, just for a moment. Sometimes he'd tuck a note inside the CD case and let her know which ones he liked best and sometimes rambling on about sometimes a musician just finds you at the right moment. She responded with the musicians she was most into, including a tape cassette of something recorded at a club downtown.

He had laughed at that, telling her to get with the times. But late that night he stayed up and studied the case, a collage of small magazine cut outs and doodles. Everything had to be a clue. Maybe he could pick up on what she was reading lately or what artist she liked the best out of art class. This grounding left him so cut off from the world. Maybe it wasn't just that. But he was here alone.

That was how he listened to the cassette. He had been forced to use Joey's stereo system. Of course the old guy would have a cassette deck. Much later that night he plugged in the headphones and sat down on the floor and listened to the bootleg. The audio was grainy like an old movie and the fluctuation between pitch too harsh at times but he hung onto every word. This was all of Ashley's world he could see at the moment. He wondered who she went to the club with. That used to be their thing; wet from the rain after a long line, Ash stressing over the fake ID's when they needed them, or just enjoying the conversation that seemed to separate them from everyone else while they waited to get inside.

He sat there on the floor, the moonlight coming in through the window and illuminating his kneecaps. He occasionally snapped out of his deliriously dreamy state and saw them. So he was still here. His mind was wandering, almost making him feel intoxicated by the memories. He swore the warmth was running through his veins; she did still care. She did still want to be with him. It was building all hot and electric and Craig swore that he saw the street light outsides flicker. It felt that intense and he knew it was a sign that he could make things happen. He would make her warm up to him. They would collide, warm and cold, and it would balance out. It was building, swelling like a storm. Ashley was still laying low and he was high pressure, moving ahead and around her and trying to make her remember what it was like before.

"I can give you a ride home," Craig offered one day after school. "The jail warden gave me driving privileges back. I think I could get away with being five minutes late. I'll blame traffic."

"My mom is picking me up," Ashley said, settling down on the steps outside of school.

"Oh. I'll wait with you. I'll just say a class let out late."

They talked and Craig felt himself drifting into that state. Sometimes it felt like they never broke up. It felt like how it did when they were dating, occasionally touching and her smile was soft and sincere. He missed that and found himself staring at her mouth and taking in every word. He tried to move in for a kiss but Ashley turned her head away, leaving his lips an inch from her blushing cheek.

"Sorry," Craig mumbled, equally embarrassed.

"It's okay. Just be thankful my mom didn't see," Ashley reassured as she watched the familiar car pull up. She grabbed her backpack, her hands tightly gripped the straps. This wasn't going to go well. She watched as Craig anxiously stood up to greet Kate.

"Mrs. Kerwin. Hi," Craig didn't know what to say. His brain ached a little as the memory of Joey telling him that Kate was at the hospital with him when he nearly drank himself to death. Then there was him making an ass of himself when he showed up at her house drunk out of his mind. "It's been awhile."

"Hello, Craig. Ashley?" Kate prompted her daughter.

"I'll see you tomorrow Craig." Ashley hurried over to the car and sank down into the seat. She kept her eyes everywhere but on her mother or Craig and trying not to think about the awkward situation. She had never actually discussed the night Craig showed up at her house drunk out of his mind. She certainly didn't mention overhearing the phone call her mother had with Joey, voicing concern over what the teenage boy was capable of. He wasn't stalking them and he certainly wouldn't hurt her, Ashley had tried to reason later.

"That boy never said thank you," Kate remarked with a sigh as they drove away.

"For what?" Ashley's head jerked up and she glanced over.

"For saving his life."


It was wrong to be in school on a Saturday. It was just a place you shouldn't be on a weekend. He felt awkward like the times when he ran into a teacher outside of school and came to the realization that oh, hey, they shop at the mall or eat out at restaurants too. High school itself was a strange atmosphere and being here on a Saturday was like he'd entered into the Twilight Zone.

It didn't help that he knew he missed the sign in time for the ACTs. He told Joey that was where he was headed but somehow ended up driving, circling the same blocks. It was like there was a plan but Craig himself wasn't informed of it. Things were happening, he could feel it. It was almost electric. Such energy; just move, move, move. He didn't know what he was heading for but it certainly wasn't a quiet room where he would fill in dots for hours.

Craig dreamt of the test last night. It was surprising since he knew he didn't care about the exam. He didn't care about the number that would help the university decide if he was suitable for their school (he knew he wasn't). So why was he dreaming that he brought a number 2 pencil with when they surprisingly needed a pen? It was a classic anxiety dream with the pen that didn't work and surprising non-academic questions on the exam. But then it shifted. There was a growl from under the teachers desk that only he could hear. And soon the devil himself was in a desk beside him, whispering at first and then distracting him with a full blown normal conversational tone once it knew that no one else could hear.

He couldn't sit in a quiet room and wait for that to happen. It wasn't that he was expecting some fat creature with a tail to appear and start up a conversation with his strangely sweet tone that made him want more, more, more. Craig just couldn't sit still.

It wasn't the bad kind of restless, he decided as he peeked into a classroom door window to see if Ashley was inside that one. He was stir crazy at Joey's while grounded. Now he could move. He had a car and he could drive until he reached the end of the world if he wanted to. There was something out there now. Craig's world felt bigger, he could have anything if he wanted to.

It was so damn quiet in these halls. It almost made him shudder. He hated quiet today. Craig wanted noise, movement, a concert, city lights, someplace he had never been. He peered inside and saw them all with their heads down. One after another like the IQ test image sequence he took once as a little kid; which one is different and does not belong. They all looked the same until he saw her.

What was he supposed to do? He paced around a bit. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't go in. He was supposed to be in there, taking the test like everyone else. This wasn't how today was supposed to go at all, Craig reasoned as he pulled down the lever. It was amazing watching the progression of events take place; first the loud jangle of the alarm, then the teachers voice trying to dominate the confused tone of the students. Craig got himself to move before the doors started swinging out and the bodies moving through the halls. He'd meet her in the parking lot. He made this happen.

"Craig? What's going on? Why weren't you there this morning when the test started?" Ashley questioned when he approached her. Her ears were still numb from the surprise of the loud alarm and an odd mixture of emotion after being yanked out of a focused state and into the panic of the fear of a fire.

"I know. I know. But think of it this way; we can just retake the ACTs in June. It'll be fine."

"I…I don't understand."

"I couldn't find any other way to get you of there. I mean it's not like I could just walk in."

"Wait. What? You pulled the alarm?"

"Yeah," Craig was quick to reply with a grin, proud of this moment. He couldn't be sure of the number of people surrounding them but it had to be at least a hundred. Maybe more. He made this happen.

"Why would you do something like that?"

"Well…uh…I was thinking that we could take off for the night. It's a Saturday night and Kevin Devine is playing a show in Montreal. What CD are on you on now? Put Your Ghost To Rest? It's good but nothing compares to Make The Clocks Move. You can hang onto that for awhile if you want. I have it on my MP3 player and I swear I don't go a day without listening to a track off it. Sometimes the whole album because I can't really sleep."

Ashley's face faded for a moment and Craig knew that look well. She was trying to figure out what was wrong. But nothing was. No, there was, he could feel it. He felt it before but tried to bury it away, mumbling "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine" into the bathroom mirror after a crying jag in the shower. But no one could place what was wrong. Something was just off. Maybe with him. No.

"Testing will have to be rescheduled for next Saturday," the teacher declared loudly from the center of the parking lot.

Craig grinned. "See, it all worked out. Perfect. Now you can come."

"No, Craig. I can't. You don't get it."

Craig had seen her irritated like this before. What did he do that didn't work? She seemed to think the answer was so obvious it should have smacked him in the face by now. "I thought it could be like it used to be. We just need to get away from all this."

"Why are you doing this? You seem different."

"What are you talking about?" Craig exclaimed. That always stung the worst. They felt he wasn't the same. But he always felt the same. Felt the same each day, just trying to get through. He didn't feel that different. It was a slow and steady decline with them standing by. Sometimes he felt like they were there, sometimes not.

"You can't do things like this. This is something you'd do when you were messed up on…" Ashley trailed off. "I'm going home Craig."

Craig frowned as she turned away. He fidgeted with his keys before declaring, "Fine. I'll go by myself then."


"Sit down," Joey instructed after they had cleared the breakfast dishes. "We need to talk about last night. This morning. When you arrived home at 7 AM smelling like you spent the night hanging out in a bar."

"Joey, come on. I told you. The venues usually serve alcohol. But I wasn't drinking."

"Why did you think that you could blow off your ACTs and head to a concert?" Joey asked, wondering if the kid would fess up to the fire alarm.

Craig rubbed his forehead. "I just really wanted to see Kevin. He's totally been helping me stay sober. And I just really wanted to see him live. I just really had to do that yesterday. I thought I could catch as many of his tours that I can…"

"Craig, you are still grounded, remember? I gave you your driving privileges back so you could drive to and from school and help me out around here. It was meant to be an attempt to help you regain some of that trust you lost. I thought I could trust you with that. Remember?"

"I don't know why I did it."

Joey sighed. He gave Craig an inch of room and he managed to run five feet with it. What was he supposed to do with this kid? He tried yelling. He tried grounding. Now he was just here, listening and trying to understand so he knew what to do. He didn't know what to do.

"Joey, I'm really sorry. I just…Kevin Devine. Oh man you should hear some of his songs. Especially from Put Your Ghost To Rest. I think he wrote it after getting clean and sober. You should hear some of the stories he tells at shows. He's got such an amazing stage presence. I've been trying to learn all his songs. Let me get my guitar and I'll play…"

"Craig, sit down. Are you even here with me for this conversation? What's going on?"

Craig shook his head, confused. "Lately I just have to move around a lot. I can't sit still. I don't know what it is. It feels really good actually. When things feel so fast it doesn't always feel good. But this makes sense. Like I was just driving and figuring stuff out and for once I had a clear head. And then in Montreal, I realized what I want to do. I want to apply to this arts school. Audition for the music program, maybe apply to the photography…"

Joey struggled with how Craig's thoughts processed as he listed to him ramble. "Okay, Craig. Under different circumstances I'd be happy with how you are thinking about school…"

"You should see it! It's downtown. Man there was such this energy. All the people…"

"If you are thinking about university, you have to take your ACTs," Joey interrupted. "Which is where you were supposed to be on Saturday. At Degrassi taking your ACTs with the rest of your class."

"Oh. Yeah…that…"

"Yeah. That."

"There was no way I could sit through that. I just couldn't. I wrote all these songs in my head while I was driving to Montreal. It was such a rush, a natural high. It was like everything was destined. When I saw the school, then the concert. I really think it's what I want to do. Kevin was a journalism major though. You can hear it in his songs. Man he's such an amazing story teller."

"You can't just skip from point A to point C. If you are thinking about school, you need to take your ACTs."

"So I'll take them later."

"Craig, I know about the fire alarm."

Craig's heart stopped for a moment. "What?"

"One of your teachers saw you pull it. You are going to be suspended for this." Joey watched Craig. It was like the kid had completely forgotten about it and was running around in his own head, wild with dreams. Now he was coming back down to reality. "I don't understand, Craig. Why pull the alarm if you are going to skip out anyway?"

"Ashley."

"Ashley?"

"Yeah, uh, I wanted her to go with, but she was already in the classroom. I've been getting her into Kevin. Isn't it awesome how music works that way? It's such a amazing feeling when you meet this mind-blowing artist and you just know that they are going to change your life. And you get someone else into this great music…" Craig trailed off, feeling like he should stuff his fingers in his mouth to just get himself to shut up. "I just wanted her to go."

"Craig are you on drugs?" Joey had to ask. He hadn't seen Craig like this before. He knew from his quick education on substance abuse that Craig preferred depressants, things like benzodiazepines and alcohol. He liked pain killers. He liked to be down. But now? This was different. Up. Fast. Had he taken a liking to something else?

"That's the second time I've heard that in a day!" Craig exclaimed at the point blank question that sounded like something out of an after school special. "No, I'm not."

"You are acting…different."

"Joey, I know you don't trust me. But you have to a little. I was sober last night. You practically gave me a breathalyzer." Craig stood up and went for the cabinet for a glass, then filled it with water. He downed it in a few gulps, wishing the clear liquid was vodka. He felt that shaky feeling, like he wanted to jump out of his skin. Just to slow everything down a little bit. He glanced over at Joey and saw him watching him intently and suddenly he felt like he had to reassure him that his thirst wasn't the result of a hangover. "It helps to drink…water…pop…liquids that aren't alcohol."

"Oh," Joey mumbled, sounding surprised and a little bit dumb. He couldn't believe he was having this conversation with his sixteen year old. "Is that something they taught you at the meetings?"

"Uh. Yeah," Craig replied softly. "Look, I just want you to be happy for me. That for one day I felt normal. I felt like I could be normal."

"Can you try to see this from my point of view? I get a call at work and they tell me that you pulled a fire alarm to get out of the ACTs and are facing suspension. I head over to DSC and you are no where to be found. You weren't answering your cell. I don't see you until 7 AM. I thought you ran away. Again. I can't go through that again."

Craig's face fell into intense sadness. Joey watched him sink back down into his chair at the kitchen table and fidget around some. He reminded him a lot of Angie when he had to scold her for something like not picking up her toys or eating candy before dinner. Sometimes Craig struck him as so young. He wasn't sure why, couldn't quite place it. He felt like it was a race, trying to keep up with his reactions to whatever trauma he experienced as child. Joey tried to read as much as he could on child abuse and recalled how sometimes abused children regress to the age when first traumatized. That almost explained Craig's reactions. Joey ignored the nagging that it was something more or that the trauma was something he could never heal.

"I just don't want you to be mad at me," Craig mumbled and ran a hand through his hair and briefly gripped the back of his neck as he struggled with this information. He didn't know why did the things he did. It just felt so good to be that up and he had to move all the time. A part of him didn't entirely understand why this was wrong.

Joey wasn't sure how to speak to this kid. "I'm not mad. Well, I am. But not the kind where I want to hit you," he reassured. "I just need you to understand what you did wrong. You can't just take off to a rock concert. You certainly can't pull fire alarms to get out of taking a test. You are still grounded."


Craig couldn't refuse. Not when Joey and Caitlin approached him late one night after Angie was put to bed. He had clicked off the TV, convinced they knew something and had his guard up. These kind of talks didn't happen unless he screwed something up. Knowing he was tense, Joey spilled the details. He wanted to take him and a few of his friends out for dinner to celebrate his 60 days of sobriety.

"You don't have to do that," Craig said with a nervous laugh, cheeks red hot. They were acting (key word was acting) like this was an every day thing that parents have to congratulate their kid for.

"I talked with Kate. Ashley can go," Joey tempted.

"What? Really?" Craig was stunned, especially since every encounter with Ashley was hot or cold. So he agreed and thought that it might be the closest thing to a dinner date he'd get.

But what he got was something that felt like an awkward holiday dinner, reminiscent of a get together with his father. They were at a nice restaurant. Craig wanted hamburgers at The Dot or something like that so no one would know what they were getting together for. Something quick, something cheap, something unplanned. Joey and Caitlin were late arriving home from work so they all went out. Not a place with a fireplace, ambient lighting, and cloth napkins. This was planned, deliberate, and was meant to mean something.

Craig glanced around. Sean looked less tense than him despite the dress shirt (Craig was surprised he owned one). But he had a girl to lean into and he kept catching Sean and Ellie in private moments where she would smile with his lips close to her ear. Ashley kept her distance from him, keeping the signal clear that they were over.

Angie's whining pierced his thoughts. She was hungry now. First it was wanting another Shirley Temple (and it was Shirley Temples all around, rubbing a little salt in Craig's wounds) and now it was hunger pains. Craig's foot started hopping. He knew how moments like this went and he couldn't stand to see her spill something or knock her silverware onto the floor because the kid couldn't sit still. He hate himself for being this irritated with her.

Things were getting louder now. He hated when that happened. The clinking of glasses, the hushed romantic conversation a few tables over, and the sliding of chairs as another party sat down. The bus boy loaded up a stack of dirty dinner dishes and Craig jumped.

"Are you okay?" Ashley questioned.

Craig knew that look. Watchful Ashley, concerned Ashley. "Yeah. I'm fine," he mumbled back. He took a moment and cleared this throat. "Excuse me."

Sean noticed the glances around the table after Craig had vanished for a good five minutes. Sometimes he thought Angie's complaining was on purpose, providing a distraction. Joey had announced that dinner would be here soon and looked at Sean. He took the bait and announced he'd find Craig. He found him standing in the lobby that separated the bar from the restaurant. He approached him but didn't know what to say, especially since the guy didn't seem to know he was there. His gaze was intense and focused on something he couldn't see. Sean purposely brushed his arm up against his friend and watched Craig snap a little out of his distant and lonely state.

"Hey, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels out of place here," Sean greeted.

"I still feel like I don't belong. Anywhere. At Joey's," Craig finally spoke up after a moment of awkward silence. He had to say something and that was what came out.

"What are you talking about? There was the whole adoption thing. You are there to stay. Joey is doing all this. This dinner," Sean replied, feeling a little baffled. Sometimes Craig angered him. He couldn't imagine not having any parents but at the same time why didn't Craig realize what he had? Instead he kept doubting it and trying to destroy it.

"I appreciate it. I do," Craig said with an argumentative tone. He was tired of all the talks on family; Sauvé with her every family is unique and he did belong (he would sit there so vulnerable because she knew everything about him and he knew nothing about her), Robert with his speeches on adoption (so well rehearsed), and Joey making sure to introduce him as a son (everyone knew why). "Like you should talk. Your parents are alive and they are trying. Like Ellie should be there with her advice when she's the one running from her recovering alcoholic mom who is still alive. Like either one of you appreciate what they are trying to do."

How was he going to win this verbal fight? There were night when Sean and Ellie had laid awake in bed, silently wondering about what to do with the parents they didn't trust. Sometimes they spoke, sometimes not. It was strange how the moments of silence were broken with conversation that seemed to match what each was thinking. It was even stranger how Sean seemed to feel lighter, almost happier with each confession. It eased the burden of two sixteen year olds trying to make it on their own.

"Look, we're trying. We're trying to work things out after losing that trust. But what has Joey done?"

"He's not going to always be there, Sean. I know this."

"No, you don't."

Craig struggled like he always did when presented with that thought. Why didn't he trust Joey to be there? He should. Maybe. He just wasn't blood. A mother and father would try, no matter what if you had the same blood. What was he to Joey? A let down. "I embarrass him. I can tell. He doesn't want some sixteen year old who drinks during school and runs away."

"What's this all about Craig? Joey took us all out to this great restaurant."

"I didn't want Joey to have this dinner."

"Hey, it's awesome that he's being cool with this and saying that he thinks it's great that you've come this far. We all do."

Craig sighed. Maybe it wasn't even about that, the family deal. "Yeah I know. I know. And I appreciate it. I do. But it's just…when he offered to do all this I said no. I mean it's strange and…I…"

He had always been so scared of being discovered. Of what he did. He knew it was wrong. The lectures at high school assemblies about underage drinking and drunk driving didn't faze him. He sat through it like the rest of his peers, not taking it all too seriously and just enjoying the time out of class. He was still grounded for the party, for running away, for the drinking and the drugs…the list went on. He understood why, what he did wrong, and deep down his mind whispered to him that he really should be hit for it. But then he had to turn his brain off because he had this utter sick confusion about how he wanted to drink for it to go away and wanted to be beat for it all the same.

He dreamt of that moment; the moment where Joey caught him in all his lies and actions. He had nightmares of it repeatedly and always woke up alarmed. And then it happened. It was real. This was real.

"I can come in with you," Joey offered as he watched as Craig hesitated climbing out of the car. He was staring at the sign in front of the church that listed times of worship and then Alcoholics Anonymous Sundays 7 pm.

"No. I should do this alone."

"Are you sure? You don't have to do this alone. You aren't alone. You have people here for you."

Craig's heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. He never felt this anxious for something before, not starting a new school or picking up Ashley for his first official date. He looked away from Joey and squeezed his eyes and mouth shut, trying not to lose it. Sometimes he had moments where he was sure he would just start screaming.

But he didn't. Instead he looked over at his step-father. "I know. And I appreciate that. But I should do this on my own." Something about this felt fake, forced, and unreal. His sweaty hand squeezed open the door handle.

"I'll be back to pick you up in an hour. I'm proud of you, Craig," Joey said with an encouraging smile before Craig closed the door shut and headed towards the front entrance of the church.

"Sean…I…I…" Craig found it hard to spit out even though he desperately wanted to. He did want someone to know. He almost found himself confessing it to Sauvé and that was the worst person in the world to let his secrets slip out to. But it felt like it was killing him, stabbing him in the gut with guilt. "I haven't been going to meetings. Like Joey thinks I am."

"Okay. Um…" Sean struggled with this information. He knew something was off with Craig. He couldn't quite place it because he didn't appear clumsy or slow like how he was when drunk or down on whatever pills he took. No, Craig was anything but mellow. He was more moody than usual. And he and his other friends just tried not to look at him that way.

"I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. It felt like I was entering death row. I don't know why I was utterly terrified. Maybe because I'd see what I really was. I don't know. But I couldn't do it," Craig paused to sigh, feeling himself sink lower into depression. The guilt kicked him in the gut. "But hey the bonus is that I Google information on the meetings and try to know the lingo so I can keep Joey in the dark. Shit. I'm a real winner aren't I?"

"Did you ever go?"

Craig recalled how he had walked bravely through the doors. The church was foreign to him. And dark. He first saw the light down at the end of a hall and a sign that pointed which way to go. He needed time, he told himself as he headed down. He wasn't ready for this yet, he reasoned and ducked into the bathroom. He locked himself into a stall and struggled, not sure if he wanted to beat his fists against the wall and scream or drop down to the floor. Craig wasn't even aware of the tears rolling down his face till he exited and caught sight of himself in the mirror. The phrase was something he had been saying a lot of lately:

"I have no idea what I'm doing."

He exited with red eyes, nearly bumping into a man in his fifties although maybe the substance abuse had added a few years.

"Sorry. I'm sorry," Craig mumbled, anxious to get away.

"It's okay," the stranger greeted warmly. And Craig felt exposed. Someone else knew, he could tell. He couldn't deal with one person knowing let alone a whole room. He didn't have to tell them. There could be lots of reasons why he was here. Maybe he was here with his recovering addict father who had just hit bottom the night before. Craig wasn't the fuck up, he wasn't the bad guy. He was the one who found his drunk father after he passed out and fell through the glass coffee table. He could lie, explain that he was in the hospital and he was here for support. He had no idea what it was like to be that wasted.

The comfort of the thought of lying, inventing stories brought him closer to the room where the meetings were being held. He could smell the coffee now and hear voices. He froze, then ducked into a darkened room; use for children's classes he judged from the small shapes of tables and the blackboard. He stood there in the shadows and held his breath whenever he heard someone pass by. He couldn't let them see him, let them know what he was.

"I tried. Each time I tried," Craig tried to explain to Sean. He couldn't explain how weak it made him. So it was easier to fight it. He needed something to fight for. "But uh, somehow each night I ended up waiting around nearby for Joey to show up to pick me up."

"Do you need someone there with you? I can go. I know they have open meetings where anyone can attend. Ellie goes with her mom sometimes."

"No. God, no," Craig replied and clutched his head briefly as if he was hit with a sudden migraine. "I don't have an answer to any of this. I don't know how to stop it. And can you imagine if we wound up at the same meeting?"

"Craig, I know which one they would hit. We'd go to a different one," Sean reassured with a nervous smile. Then he had to say it. "I don't totally get what you are going through. But I'm trying here. We all are."

"Do you think something is wrong with me?"

"What?"

"I was so okay for awhile there. I was fine. I was happy, actually. I felt like I could deal. I had a plan. I really thought it was going to be okay. And then now it's like it's all gone. Everything is moving too fast. I just need time. I just need time to figure this out."

"What happened? What upset you so much that you had to use?"

Craig sighed. He thought that was how it would go. When he was finally able to sneak out at night to parties, he had a list of reasons and emotions to numb. But somehow he never took that shot and never did anything stronger that was offered to him. Instead he watched everyone get blitzed; sometimes annoyed by them, other times just happy with the company and what he could say things that he knew they would forget. There was Evie slipping him slips of paper with addresses of what party he should hit ("heard you were on lock-down.") in the halls of school and him quietly ducking out into the dark of the night, always returning sober. But then it happened. He was…happy…and it happened.

He rubbed his temples. "Sean, there wasn't some huge reason. It just happened. I mean…my God, I wish that there was something so huge, so traumatic. But I was happy. Evie and I were hitting it off for once. That's like all we do is fuck and fight lately. The sex is good but I like the moments where it's just…easy. And that's what it was that night. Easy. So I started drinking and I didn't stop."

Sean didn't know what to say. Finally, "You do realize that whatever you have going on with Evie is driving Ash nuts right?"

"Really?" Craig was surprised and gave a small smirk. So Ash didn't want it to be over. "Yeah well, Evie gives me what I want. In more ways than one."

"I'm sure she does," Sean joked back and for a moment all the tension lifted. Then Craig's gaze became dreamy and shifted back towards the bar. "How many days do you have?"

"5 days. And he thinks I have 60. I did try. I tried so freaking hard."

Craig was sure no one would believe him. He was clean and sober. He was. But now he had to have a bottle stashed in the garage or hidden in a thorny bush he knew Angie wouldn't discover it in while she played outside. It felt safe knowing that he had that one thing to go to. It almost felt like it gave him a purpose. Every once in awhile a voice in his head would pipe up that maybe he just shouldn't have it there as temptation. He shouldn't blow what little money Joey gave him on a pint of vodka and actually use it for what it was for, school lunch. "But hey, what does it matter? Everyone was expecting it."

"You on anything else?" Sean didn't know why he was asking so many questions. He didn't really know what else to say.

"Why are you asking me that? No, of course not. I was clean for awhile. I was."

"I'm sorry. You don't have to be so defensive."

"You know Joey and Sauvé are like probation officers when it comes to drug tests. I can't pull that off."

"How are you keeping it a secret?"

"Joey, Caitlin, and Angie go to bed. My friends don't call. I get wasted. I feel okay with myself and get to go to sleep."

"Craig…I'm sorry-" Sean didn't finish and looked away. All three, Ashley, Ellie, and himself felt it. They knew they were pushing him away to an extent.

"I'm not trying to blame you. It's not your fault. I'd find a reason to anyway. Things happen. Or they don't happen. And it's not like I blame you for wanting to get away from the train wreck."

"Hey guys dinner is here," Caitlin announced from a few feet away and was a bit surprised by the deer-in-headlights looks that both boys shot her. She knew she interrupted a conversation but she didn't know it was that intense.

"Let's go eat. I'm looking forward to this. Then it's back to PB&J," Sean encouraged Craig with a friendly slap on the back.

"Yeah. Yeah. You guys are all so awesome for this dinner," Craig managed to say as they maneuvered their way back to the table. His heart wasn't pounding so hard anymore. Caitlin didn't hear. She didn't know. No one had to know.


They all hung around outside the restaurant for awhile, making small talk. Ellie and Caitlin easily gravitated towards each other with the pull of talk about her internship. Joey seemed to be trying to catch up with Ashley, asking her about classes at school. Craig smiled a little at that; his step dad missed having them all around, Ash especially. She didn't even have to knock when she came over. That was how it used to be before he messed everything up. Now they were waiting around for Kate to pick her up.

Craig tried to keep the conversation light and away from anything that had to do with him. This dinner was for something else. A birthday, an anniversary. Just not an anniversary for something like hitting bottom and getting sober…or not. Sean noticed by the time he got his chance to say good night Craig looked like he was waiting for someone to give their sympathies at a funeral.

"Congrats," Sean replied with a hand shake but then pulled Craig into a hug. He didn't know what to say. So he whispered in his ear, "It's okay."

Craig felt stiff in Sean's embrace before breaking awkwardly away. Sean could see the sadness in his face, maybe while the others didn't because he quickly broke into a smile. "Thank you guys. Thank you so much for tonight. It means a lot to me," Craig said.

"I'll call you later," Sean replied and looked directly into his friend's eyes, hoping to hit a sincere spot. Something outside of that last statement of his that was a show. "I will. Call."

"Yeah," Craig agreed. He felt the warmth from that comment and the relief that someone knew his secret. Then the guilt caved in. What was he doing here? Did he want to confess everything right then and there outside the front of a public restaurant, not caring who knew? Is that what would lift this weight? He just needed time to figure out, that was all. And now he was dragging Sean down with him.


Sean listened to the methodic ring then the sound of Craig's voicemail kicking in. It was the first time he'd called in quite a while. He felt terrible for that but tried to relieve his guilt with the self reassuring thought that he didn't know when Craig got his phone privileges back. Sean punched in the number again. And it wasn't like Craig made any attempt to call. No, apparently he was too busy drinking.

"Damn it Craig," Sean muttered as Craig's cell immediately cut to voicemail this time. His friend had turned off his cell phone.

He hung up but kept his hand on the receiver. Ellie gave him an odd look as she passed by, dressed for bed.

"Just a minute," he reassured and then punched in the first few digits of the main phone line at the Jeremiah/Manning residence.

Let Craig get caught. Joey could find his bedroom empty after he thought Craig went to bed hours ago. He could imagine his buddy's step dad waiting up and greeting Craig at 3 AM when he tried to sneak back into the house. Or let this phone call wake up Joey and he could ask for Craig…do something to get the unaware father figure to enter Craig's room. Let him find him alone in bed with only a pint of vodka and the TV for company. Maybe he would be doing the guy a favor by letting his secret be discovered.

Sean sighed and hung up the phone before finishing the call. He couldn't do it. He didn't want to tell Ellie that Craig didn't have 60 days, much less Joey. It was odd how he felt just a tinge of what shame Craig felt about it. Or maybe it wasn't that at all. Maybe it was simply sadness for Craig. Or helplessness; what was he supposed to do? Or Sean just didn't want to be the snitch. Maybe it wasn't his call to make. And the guy was usually okay by the end of every night.

Usually.

He punched in Craig's cell phone number again, remembering the scary sight of him unconscious on the bathroom floor. Sean replied to the standard voice mail greeting with "Uh, hey. Hey Craig. I'm just calling like I said I would. I guess you don't have your phone on. I hope you are okay. You can call if you want. Uh, if not…well, uh, I guess I'll see you in school tomorrow. Take it easy."

Sean hung up and felt defeated. He knew there was nothing he could do. He learned that lesson the hard way with his parents and their fondness for the bottle. There was anger now and Sean didn't want to go to bed. He wanted to drive around, race around corners and enjoy the dark of night. He'd enjoy the music blaring and no one on the streets. Why did they do that? Decide that the company of alcohol was more important than him? And Craig was the same, not wanting to pick up his phone. What did Craig want? And what was Sean supposed to do about it?

"Hey. What's wrong?" Ellie questioned, peering around the corner. She reached out and ran her fingers over her boyfriends hand, touch delicate and tickling like a spider before firmly gripping his wrist and giving a dug.

"Nothing. I just told Craig I'd call. He's got his phone off I guess."

"Probably asleep. Maybe he's not like us and didn't put off writing that report for Kwan," Ellie reassured as they moved down the hall, cuddling some.

"That's probably it," Sean declared as he pulled down the bed sheets.

Sean only met Ellie's eyes for a brief moment and he knew she saw it. She didn't want to make that accusation though. Ellie grew tired of that a long time ago with her mother. It was always a silent one and she didn't even know if she could find her voice to ask about Craig. This wasn't something you talked about. She knew that when on the phone with her dad, reassuring him that things were fine and Mom was just in the shower. They had finally just begun to be honest with each other and while sometimes it lessened the weight on her chest, other times it made something else ache.

No, El didn't have the answers to this. "You can only do so much," she murmured in the dark later and felt comfort when Sean rolled over and pressed his body against her back.

"I'll talk to him tomorrow in school."

"That works."

"He's okay. He's always wound up okay," Sean stated, maybe more in a conversation with himself. He knew what Craig had been through and he had gotten through that. He was always okay. He was always still there.


Authors Note:

Hope that it all flows together well since I jump around a bit in describing Craig's relationships with his friends and family. I hope the timeline is clear.

I like to take certain parts of the episodes and alter it into something new. So there's probably some things that are familiar, such as Craig's preoccupation with Ashley. Voices Carry was in my mind while writing this from Crash hanging out on the school steps after school to Craig making some quick decisions due to mania. I hope what I intended came across well; Craig is unable to self medicate with drinking or dugs so he's experiencing some mood swings. I wanted this chapter to focus more on the mania and slowly slide into the depression. He is going to be diagnosed bipolar. It's coming soon. Next chapter focuses more on the depression side.

Kevin Devine is totally a real musician that everyone should check out. Amazing songwriter. Take Craig's advice and check out Make The Clocks Move first.

I'm not Canadian so I'm not sure if they even take the ACTs or SATs. I'm just going with what I know although I think the Canadian universities only require it if going to a school in the US. Or maybe it depends on the school. Degrassi DID name drop the SATs in a recent episode but I'm wondering if that's an attempt to reach out more to it's American audience.

I'm thinking about adding links that I use for research (mostly mental health related) or just find helpful to my profile. So you might want to check that out.