Chapter 29:

A/N: I'm really sorry everyone but apparently my brain wanted me to lie about John being dead. I REALLY was going to have it as Dean shot him and then he was dead BUT… then my brain goes and gives me a DIFFERENT idea of how John should die. I hope this is okay, I'm sorry about the confusion and turn around but I like this way better. :P

Thank you casdean185, bleedfordavey, Midnight Blue Angel 24, SaurniExMental (for chp 27 too) for the reviews :)

The need to hit something is great, with me sitting next to Dean, bouncing my leg in frustration because, damn it, I need to know that Elijah is okay. I need a doctor, nurse, anyone to come and tell me that he is alive and well. What's taking so long?

The sliding emergency doors open and paramedics bring someone in on a stretcher. Both Dean and I look, curiosity reached in the loud waiting room. Both mine and Dean's jaw drops, watching as they drag John's body through the door, alive and breathing.

"What the hell?" I hear Dean say, stiffening beside me.

I stiffen too, anger flaring in my chest. I stopped crying awhile ago but if I hadn't, I'm sure I would have at seeing that bastard being dragged in here. I bolt out of the seat, pure rage controlling my actions. "Son of a bitch!"

Dean grabs my arm and stops me from lunging at the bleeding, dying man. "Cas, stop it. Calm down!"

"No!" I try to go after John again who is now being pushed through the doors to get emergency help. Dean holds me back again. "He's supposed to be dead Dean!" I'm seeing red. "He's supposed to be fucking dead! The cops acted like he was dead!"

"Be quiet!" Dean slaps a hand over my mouth. "You need to calm down." The tears come again and they roll down my cheek, pooling at the edge or Dean's hand. "It's okay Cas, it's going to be okay, I promise." He pulls me into him, hugging me close, me burying my face in his shoulder.

"No," I begin. "you can't promise that it is going to be okay because you don't know that. Elijah is in some hospital surgery room dying and John, the guy who put him there, is still living and breathing." I take a deep breath and pull away from him. "I thought you killed him."

"I thought I did too. I must have missed his heart or something. He probably could still die Cas." Dean says, sounding hopeful.

I sniffle, the feeling of rage and disappointment enormous in my chest. I wish he was dead, I really do. I want him dead so bad. "So what, now I have to deal with him for the rest of my life? I'm tired Dean, tired of John being around all the time. I was tired of him when we were dating, I was tired of always looking over my shoulder when he was in jail, and now I'm going to have to do it some more? Damn it, Dean!" I knock the emergency room phone off the side table, hitting it so hard that the cord rips out of the object.

Dean grabs me again. "Hey, you really need to calm down."

I shrug out of his grasp. "Don't touch me!"

I turn around making my way to the exit. "Sorry." Dean says embarrassingly to the other people in the waiting room, who are staring at both of us because of my outburst. "Cas!" He calls after me.

"I need some air!" I answer his call with, not looking back at him. I'm sure he is rolling his eyes and shaking his head. I walk out into the frigid air, the coldness of it calming me slightly. I hear feet running after me but I don't turn around, knowing it is Dean. "Leave me alone Dean."

"Cas." Dean says as he catches up. "Look it's freezing out, let me give you my coat at least, you're not even wearing one."

"I'm fine." I say angrily.

"No you're not." He claims calmly. I hear him shifting out of his jacket. "You're on edge, sad, tired, pissed… You're barely holding it together man." He grabs my arm and makes me stop. Dean then helps me get into his jacket. "You're not okay, because I know when you're okay, Cas. I've known you my whole life, I know you." He goes and stands in front of me. I look up to him sadly. "You're overwhelmed and I get that. I just… I just wish you'd let me help."

"We're not as close as we used to be Dean." I shake my head and shrug my shoulders. "I don't know how to open up to you anymore. I don't trust you Dean… you or Lucifer. The only person I do trust is dying in the hospital and the only comfort I had was the fact that John was dead." I shrug again. "But now…" I trail off.

Dean stays silent then, not knowing what to say. He then nods and begins walking away. "I understand that you need time alone Cas, take as much time as you need and if any news comes of Elijah, I'll find you." I don't turn around to him and I don't say anything to him. I just listen as the slide of the doors opening sounds and Dean's presence is gone.

I continue walking, feeling numb like I could cry for hours if I let myself. I don't though; I just force myself to continue walking. I'm still trying to wrap my thoughts around the fact that John is still alive and the more I think about it the angrier I get and the more an idea forms in my head. I make my way back into the hospital through the front instead of the emergency room. I find my way to the ICU and find the room that John Winchester is in. I feel numb as I watch the nurses working and an officer standing by the door. I wait until the nurses leave and then I just have to wait until the cop gets distracted or something. After a few minutes I watch as the officer checks the time and leaves for some reason. Great job doing your job. I think as I sneak into the room, shutting the door behind me.

There's no window in the room so there's no need to shut the blinds. As soon as I turn around there they are, John's eyes staring right at me. He chuckles. "You have got to be kidding, the little faggot whore has come to visit me."

"Not visiting you John." I say lowly.

His smile twitches. "Then what's the honor?" John asks. "What, did that other gay whore die?"

I'm shaking with anger. "He's in the emergency room, with a twenty percent chance of living. That's your fault John."

His smile seems to grow. "Good."

I clench my jaw in rage. I step up close to his bed and stare into his eyes. "Tell me John, you afraid to die?"

His smile falters but it's soon back full force. "No."

I lean above him, placing my hand beside his left shoulder. "You're lying." I smile in wickedness. I get my face really close to his. "I'm going to watch the life drain out of your eyes."

"Oh yeah, little Castiel is going to murder me?" John chuckles and it makes my anger rise. "You don't have the balls."

I stare right into his eyes and I see a little fear there. An idea forms into my brain. "Tell me John." I lean closer. "What are you more afraid of… dying… or being kissed by a man?" I press my lips to his and he tries to pull away but the bed doesn't allow him to. I move my hand to his groin and squeeze so it's painful. He tries to groan in pain but it's muffled from my lips. I pull away, seeing the amount of fear in his eyes is uplifting. "You feel like a dirty, gay whore yet John? Feel like a faggot? Huh?" I squeeze his groin harder and cover his mouth with my hand to stop him from screaming out.

When I let him go I sit up. "You're going to Hell." John pants.

"Then I'll see you there." I say calmly. I then take the oxygen out of his nose and pinch his nostrils shut. Fear flashes in his eyes but I don't care. I feel so numb watching as the life drifts from his evil eyes. He struggles a little but the gunshot wound hurts him so much that he can't struggle much. Soon the machines are indicating that John Winchester's heart has stopped. I quickly place the oxygen back in his nose and close his eyes. As I open the door and slip away, the cop isn't back yet.

I go back to the emergency room, going back outside to get there. Dean looks up at me when I enter and sit heavily by his side. The image of John's life depleting won't leave my head and guilt is starting to weigh on me. "Cas you okay?" Dean asks, jolting me out of my trance.

"Yeah I'm fine." I claim.

"Can I ask you something?" I turn to look at him. "If… if Elijah does die… will you be okay or should Lucifer and I be worried?"

"You asking if I'll kill myself?" I clarify.

"Yeah. I know it's not really the time to ask but-" I cut him off.

I nod. "Yeah I'll be fine." I lie. Truth is, I probably will. I'll find a way. I don't care how, I'll do anything. Elijah was there when no else was, he's everything to me and I can't live without him. So yeah, I'll kill myself if he dies. I'll do it correctly this time too, no way of stopping me. I've tried four times now, I think I've picked a few things up and know how to do it now without being stopped. The only problem I would have to face is the fact of how and when.

"That's good." I hear Dean's voice, cutting through my thoughts.

"Well yeah," I continue the lie. "I have you and Lucifer back. It'll hurt like hell if he dies but… I've still got you two right?"

"Yeah." Dean nods and smiles at me. Guilt rises in my chest at the fact that I just killed his father. "Hey… uh… Cas, I'm going to check on my father, see his prognosis and if he's going to live or not." I let him leave, I don't know why. I should have stopped him but I don't. He doesn't come back for several minutes and when he does he summons me to an area where people won't hear what we say. "They said my father died."

"Okay, why do you look so surprised?" I ask nervously.

"The doctor said that he had a good chance of surviving, still had a chance of dying, but a bigger chance of surviving." I shift my weight from foot to foot. Dean looks at me suspiciously and somewhat knowingly. "Did you kill John?"

I shake my head frantically. "No." After saying it I realize how eager and quick that seemed.

Dean narrows his eyes at me. "Good, let's keep that way." He leans into my ear. "You didn't see him, we never had this conversation, understand?" I nod and he leans away from me. "Good, so John died from the gunshot wound." He then walked away and sits back at our seats. I'm left standing there, in shock and staring at nothing. I soon join Dean back in the chairs and he pulls me into his side. I rest my head on his shoulder and we both continue waiting in silence.

A/N: I hope this is okay. :) It's kind of a filler really to appease my idea. :P

Something ironic? In my English class we are reading a book called Sabriel. Every single time I see it, I think of the pairing Sam/Gabriel… .

Thanks for reading. :D