Author's note: Huh, how long has it been? A little over the month? This chapter is only 18 pages long! I really enjoyed writing this one, I hope y'all enjoy it too!
Chapter 29: Is Politics a Legitimate Job?
It was either very late at night or very early in the morning. Stan wasn't used to sleeping through the night though, so he wasn't really surprised he'd woken up. It had become his habit over the past week or so to wake up in the middle of the night and patrol the house. He knew he probably wouldn't find anything, but it made him feel better, and he actually had caught a cycloptopus trying to sneak into the basement once.
He slunk through the hallways, room to room, silently as possible, with the lights off. He didn't want any potential threats to know he was there (even though he knew there probably weren't any). He didn't want to wake up the kids (even though those kids were the heaviest sleepers he knew). He didn't want to wake his- (Nope, he definitely didn't care if he woke Ford up. What a joke. Like Ford ever slept). He was checking the front entryway when he tripped over a waste paper basket. He tried to steady himself, but catching your balance was twice as hard with just one arm. The spilled contents of the trash did very little to break his fall.
Stan swore in several different alien tongues as he picked himself up off the floor, switching on the hall-light. The element of surprise was already gone, and if his crash-landing hadn't woke the kids, nothing would. The old man began picking up the spilled papers and dropping them back in the trash, but he paused as he caught a red stamp emblazoned across a partially torn envelope.
THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING
At first Stan thought it had to be a scam. He'd done a few similar ones in his day. But when he opened the bill and read it, he found a tell-tale sign that it was authentic.
It didn't ask to send the money anywhere, or to bring it anywhere special, or to call a certain number with his credit card and Social Security. It just warned Ford that his electric bill was huge and needed to be paid by the end of the month, or he'd lose power to his house.
Stan found several similar letters from the water and phone companies, as well as a mortgage statement. All of them appeared to be authentic, and all of them were crumpled and ripped up. Stan actually had to piece a few of them together, but now he was curious. Just how much financial trouble was Ford in?
Of course, Stan was intimately familiar with financial trouble; with repo men and debt collectors and far worse than that. But for some reason, he didn't like the idea of Ford living with that hanging over him, even if it was a watered-down, sanitized version compared to what Stan had been through.
Stan knew he shouldn't care. Ford wasn't his problem, not anymore. And yet, as he finished throwing every last scrap of late notice and overdue payment letter into the trash, he couldn't help but wonder if there was anything he could do to help.
Stanford descended the stairs and made his way to the kitchen for breakfast, his feet sloshing in his slippers with each step. For reasons completely beyond his understanding, Mabel had decided she needed them to carry milk in. He was surprised to find the kids watching nervously as Stanley struggled valiantly to screw in a new lightbulb into the hanging lamp above the table with his one arm.
"What are you doing!?" Ford asked in alarm.
"What's it look like I'm doing?" Stan growled.
"I mean why are you… that light shouldn't need to be changed." The old scientist clarified.
"Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. I needed some light bulbs to make Soos a planetarium suit, and I couldn't find any spares, so I took a few from around the house." Dipper explained.
"I don't keep any spares, these are special light bulbs I developed myself, they're supposed to last over a hundred years." Ford was a little annoyed that Dipper had used such a valuable invention for such a trivial thing without asking, but he couldn't really fault the kid. He hadn't known. But that still left the question of Stan….
"Where did you even get those?" Ford asked his brother.
"What do you care?" Stan retorted.
"Did you steal them?" The old researcher asked accusingly.
Mabel gasped, scandalized.
"I shop-lifted them. There's a difference."
"Not really." Dipper corrected.
Ford sighed heavily, trying to pick his next words carefully. "Stan, I know… I'm sure there have been many times throughout your life where you've felt that stealing was necessary… but you really don't need to anymore. If you ever need anything while you're staying here, just tell me, I'll buy it for you, even give you some cash if you want."
Stan rolled his eyes. "Yeah, cuz you're just raking in the dough with your teacher's salary."
Ford flushed. "I have sufficient for my needs." Which wasn't strictly was way behind on his mortgage payments, and the energy company was probably going to turn off his power and water next month, but by then the kids would be home and whether he liked it or not, Stan would probably be long gone. So it was nothing he needed to concern them with. Ford was resourceful, he could probably build his own power source and collect moisture from the atmosphere or something.
If the world was still turning by that point.
Stan continued in his attempts to screw the light bulb in, but the hanging lamp kept swinging around, preventing him from getting enough purchase to thread the stem of the bulb in. It was too high for him to steady it with his remaining stump of a right arm.
"Do you need help?" Ford asked.
Stanley didn't even dignify the question with a reply. He just shot a glare at his brother that could curdle milk.
The awkward situation was interrupted by the arrival of Soos, who had come over unannounced as he often did.
"Dudes, you gotta turn on the tv to Gravity Falls Public Access!"
They all followed the young mechanic into the living room, where he flipped on the tv to show a report on the death of the mayor of Gravity Falls, Eustace Huckabone Befufflefumpter. The reporter was besides herself, not with grief, but because she had an actual news story to report on. There was going to be a meeting in town hall later that afternoon about electing a new mayor.
"We should go to the meeting." Ford said gravely. "In a place like Gravity Falls, a new mayor could really change things… for better or for worse. Or we could just get another clueless idiot, and things will stay pretty much the same."
"You're gonna come with us, right?" Mabel asked Stan hopefully.
Of course, Stan hadn't had any intention of going, but when Mabel looked at him with those big brown eyes and flashed that friendly, metal-mouth grin, he decided maybe he would go after all.
"Yeah, sure. Why not?"
The town hall was packed. There hadn't been a mayoral election in Gravity Falls in almost a century, and knowing the wacky laws of the town, everyone was curious to know what the upcoming election entailed.
"Alright, order! Order everyone!" Sheriff Blubbs called out from the podium. "We're here to choose a new mayor, and according to the town charter, a worthy candidate is defined as anyone who can cast a shadow, count to ten, and throw their hat into the provided ring."
Deputy Durland placed a hoolahoop on the ground in front of the podium. A large, familiar straw hat immediately landed in the center.
"Well now, I do believe I fulfill all the requirements." Bud Gleeful crooned in his usual car-sales-pitch voice.
"Uh-oh." Dipper muttered.
"See, this is what I was afraid of." Ford said.
"Maybe it's nothing to worry about!" Mabel reassured them. "Maybe he's completely forgotten that we threw his son in jail!"
Bud stepped up to the podium and addressed the crowd. "Folks, I know my family's had its fair share of whoopsie-daisies in the past, but I'd like to make up for that by formally announcing my candidacy for mayor of Gravity Falls! Any questions?"
Toby Determined raised his hand, "Are you still in contact with Lil' Gideon?"
"That's a great question! You get 50% off a slightly used car!" Bud deflected the question, "In fact, everyone look under your seats! 50% off for everybody!"
Almost all the adults in the room were losing their minds over Bud's deal. Even Mabel was excited to get a colorful piece of paper.
"We can't let Bud win." Ford growled. "If he does, he'll undoubtedly pardon Gideon, and if we have him to deal with on top of everything else…"
"Why don't you run?" Dipper asked. "I bet you'd win! And be a great mayor!"
Stan grumbled in the seat beside him, but didn't say anything.
"Are you kidding? I can barely keep a classroom of high schoolers under control, much less an entire town! Besides..." the old scientist gestured down to the floor. The kids glanced down and realized he wasn't casting a shadow.
"What!?" Dipper exclaimed, "How… when did this happen?"
"Oh, I had a run-in with a shadow-snatcher a few weeks ago." Ford said simply, as though it wasn't a big deal. "Don't worry, I'm fairly certain it's not permanent."
Back at the podium, Bud was trying to wrap things up. "So, since everyone's happy, I'll just take the oath of office now, hmmm? Sound good to y'all?"
Suddenly, another hat fell into the ring. One that Ford recognized. It was the fez his father used to wear! But who…? He turned his head to see Stanley was on his feet.
"Hold it right there, ya troq!" Stan shouted. "I'll take you on!"
Bud laughed nervously, "And who might you be, stranger?"
"Someone who can see this town needs big changes, and I don't think you're the guy who'd make 'em."
"Oh so? And what kinda changes are you proposin'?"
"Well, the people in this town could stand to learn some self-defence, for one!"
Bud guffawed and shook his head. "Folks, I don't think any of y'all needa change a thing! Vote for me, and I'll make Gravity Falls great again, and best part is, y'all won't have to lift a finger!"
"That doesn't even make sense!" Stan barked. "How can you make everything great without change?" He turned his attention to the crowd. "Come on, people! Are you really gonna let fat-face here just waltz away with the sash, or are we gonna have a real election?"
Everyone gasped. "Oh snap!" A mild-mannered voice called from the back.
A second passed, and suddenly everyone was throwing their hats into the ring. "Get in there cap!" Tyler shouted, throwing in his own hat.
Bud forced a smile on his face and congratulated all the candidates, but it quickly slipped into a scowl as he muscled his way through the crowd and up to Stan. "I thought I recognized your face. Obviously, you're a part of the Pines family. I was gonna let bygones be bygones, but now…" He glanced over Stan's shoulder to share his glare with Ford and the kids, "Y'all have made a powerful enemy."
"You really expect me to be intimidated by someone I used to give detention to?" Ford smirked.
Bud's intimidation tactics were interrupted by the blast of a cannon. "Let the madness begin!" Sheriff Blubbs called out. Bud was swept away in the tide of townsfolk chanting "Election", leaving the Pines family to themselves.
"Stanley, what do you think you're doing!?" Ford demanded.
"I'm running for mayor!" His brother answered, "Did I … Did I not make that clear?"
"Grunkle Stan, I'm glad you're taking the initiative in getting yourself back into society, but maaaaaaaybe this is too much too soon." Mabel said, "It's not that we don't think you can do it-"
"No, Mabel we need to be honest with him." Dipper cut her off. "We don't think you can do it."
"Izzat so?" Stan asked, turning to Ford. The old researcher looked away, clearly agreeing with the kids, but unwilling to say as much. "See, this is why I'm running! To prove to you yahoos that I can have a legitimate job!"
"You call politics a legitimate job?" Ford asked incredulously.
"Ok, so maybe I'll still be a bit of a crook," Stan admitted, "but at least people will respect me for it!"
The rest of his family gave Stan an appraising look over.
"Stan does have a kind of charisma." Mabel pointed out.
"And he does like debating things." Dipper added.
"Maybe we can make this work." Ford nodded.
"I'm glad to know my own family has such faith in me." Stan rolled his eyes as he shoved a few votes into an empty ballot box.
"Are you committing voter fraud already!?" Dipper asked exasperatedly.
"What, no one else is here!"
They set up headquarters for Stan's campaign in the living room, filling it with signs, flags, and telephones. They even wrote a campaign slogan on Waddles. Soos, Wendy, Grenda, and Candy had all come to help. Ford had pulled out his old research on Quentin Trembly and the founding of Gravity Falls.
"Gravity Falls elections," He explained, "are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual stump, and the Friday Debate, wherein the townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they wish to vote for. At the end, a freedom eagle is released, which supposedly will bestow a birdly kiss upon the candidate with the most seed, anointing him mayor." He frowned and rolled the scroll back up. "That is the stupidest thing I've ever read."
"Just what we'd expect from the great Quentin Trembly!" Mabel grinned, picking up one of the phones. "Ok Grunkle Stan, you ready for your first radio interview?"
"I got my mouth, don't I?" Stan crowed confidently, taking the phone from her.
"Hello!" They heard Toby Determined greet them from the other end of the line. "Candidate Pines, first question: How do you feel about the American flag?"
"Uh, which one is that again?" Stan said blankly. "I been outta this dimension for a while, I don't really remember."
Ford made a grab for the phone. "You can't say that over the radio!" he hissed. Stan growled and kicked him away.
"What was that?" Toby asked when some of their fight carried over the phone.
"Nothin', just interference with the signal or whatever." the old con man assured him. Dipper held up one of the many American flags from around the room for his Grunkle to see. "Oh yeah, that one. Eh, too stripey for my taste. Next question."
Dipper facepalmed.
"What would you do to help educate our kids?" Toby continued.
"Ha, finally askin' the important questions!" Stan grinned. "It's simple. Put 'em on an island and make 'em fight for dominance. Nothin' teaches survival faster. Plus, that way we find out who our best warriors are. Then I'd start trainin' the top fighters in multiviersal combat."
Mabel and Dipper shared appalled looks, and Ford made another grab for the phone. Stan dodged him easily.
"And what would you do about the crime in Gravity Falls?" Toby moved on.
Stan chuckled nervously. "Uh, why do you ask? It's not like there's been a rise in crime since I showed up, right?"
Dipped finally decided to literally pull the plug on him. "Ok, that's our first interview done. PR team, how's it looking?"
Candy showed them a graph on her laptop. "You started with an approval rating of zero; now it's a number less than zero."
"Lots of Hunger Games memes, with a few Lord of the Flies thrown in for classics' sake." Wendy scrolled through her phone. "None of them good."
"Look Grunkle Stan," Mabel said comfortingly, "I know you're worried about Gravity Falls surviving the apocalypse, but maybe first you should focus on the issues that the people are a little more familiar with."
"And you can't talk so freely about other dimensions and the multiverse to the public, people will think you're crazy! Believe me, I know!" Ford berated him, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I was hoping we wouldn't have to resort to this, but from now on I think you'd be better off with… prepared remarks."
"Oh, so you don't think I can do it on my own?" Stan roared. "You're just trying to make me into a fake like that Buddy guy!"
"I'm trying to help you!"
"And what makes you think I want your help?"
Ford's face hardened like a stone. "Fine. I'm tired of fighting with you." He left without another word or a glance back.
Dipper found Ford down in what remained of the portal lab. (The boy had committed all the passcodes to memory after learning them last week when they'd had to rush down there) The old scientist was hunched glumly over his desk, skimming over one of the Journals but not truely reading it, and fiddling with something in his hand.
"Hey." Dipper called to him cautiously, wondering if it was a good time to talk. "What're you working on?"
Ford's head shot up, but he relaxed when he saw it was just his nephew. "The rift containment unit is already cracking." He said gravely. "I'm trying to find a way to seal it up permanently."
The boy gulped and decided to change the subject. "What's that?" He pointed to the long colorful stip of cloth Ford had been fiddling with.
Dipper thought he saw a shadow of guilt pass across Ford's face as he held it up to reveal a tie with a stars and stripes pattern. "Just an old grad-school project. I'd thought it could help Stan win the election, but…" He let the sentence hang. No need to finish it.
"What's it do?" The boy asked.
"It allows you to take direct control of whoever's wearing the other tie." He pointed to a second one poking out of a drawer. "Turns them into a literal talking head. Ronald Reagan's masters took the final version for themselves, but I held on to the prototype."
"Whoah, that's amazing!" Dipper breathed in awe, "And ethically ambiguous! If we used this on Stan, we could beat Bud for sure!"
"Yes, well, Stan's made it abundantly clear he doesn't want my help."
"He doesn't want help from you… but maybe he'd accept help from me and Mable?"
"Mabel and I." Ford corrected him automatically.
Dipper ignored him. "The stump speech is in a couple of days, and if Grunkle Stan keeps this up we'll lose to Bud for sure!"
The old scientist scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I suppose you could try and ask him to use it, but I really don't foresee Stan agreeing to it." He handed the ties over to his nephew. "Be sure to use it responsibly."
The first thing Mabe and Dipper did was test the ties out on Soos without letting the young mechanic know what was going on.
"Mind control is awesome!" Mabel cried as she made Soos eat a pinecone.
"Now all we have to do is get Grunkle Stan to wear it and conveniently forget to tell him what it does." Dipper said.
"Just like we're gonna conveniently forget to tell him Grunkle Ford made it?"
"Exactly."
Stan, Mabel, and Dipper were waiting backstage as they watched Tyler's stump speech.
"Woah, he's good. I'd probably vote for him if I wasn't running." Stan admitted.
"Before you go on, we have something for you!" Mabel presented him with the tie.
"Uh, thanks, but it's not really my style."
"It's a lucky tie! From both of us!" the girl insisted, giving him big puppy-dog eyes for added measure.
Stan chuckled. "Alright, if it means that much to you." He slipped on the tie and walked on stage.
"Ok, we'll only jump in if he starts doing badly." Dipper said firmly.
"Hey folks!" Stan called from the stump-stage, "Let's get real here. Why are we spending money on useless stuff like public education and road repair, when we could be fortifying this city!"
"Jump in, jump in!" Mabel shook her brother.
Dipper quickly slipped the other tie on.
"I-I mean.. Uh, while education and road conditions are important, we should never lose sight of why we have these things: to protect our city… uh, from ignorance and isolation!"
The people in the audience nodded in approval.
"And speaking of protecting our city, let's all give a big thank you to Gravity Falls' tireless police force!" Dipper made Stan gesture over to Sheriff Blubbs and Deputy Durland, who were both asleep. "I'm Stan Pines. You folks may not know me, but I believe in things. America! Freedom! Amerifreedom!"
Dipper wasn't quite sure what he was even saying anymore, but the people seemed to be liking it. One guy even looked like he was crying. "I don't want to make Gravity Falls 'great again', I want to make it better than it's ever been!"
The crowd cheered! Dipper couldn't believe how well they were doing. Now he just needed a good way to wrap things up….
Mabel swiped the tie from him. "Now watch me break it down!" She started dancing energetically. At first Dipper was sure she'd just flushed their lead down the toilet, but the crowd went wild!
"How did you know to do that?" he asked.
"It's the Napoleon Dynamite principle." She said as she switched the tie off.
Stan staggered off the stage, breathing heavily. "What just happened?" He asked shakily.
"You were amazing, that's what happened!" Mabel hugged him.
"Yeah, listen to all those people cheering!" Dipper agreed.
"No, I mean somethin' really weird just happened…" he looked around suspiciously and noticed the tie Mabel was wearing. "Waaait a second, this tie is magic or some shef'th, isn't it!?"
The kids grinned back at him sheepishly.
"Come on Grunkle Stan, you can't argue with the results." Mabel said.
Stan was about to make it very clear he could and would argue with the results, when Toby Determined and several other members of the audience came back to congratulate him.
"There he is! Mr. Pines, can we get a picture?"
"Can we have a statement on your incredible turn-around for the 6'o'clock news?"
"Will you kiss my baby?"
"Will you sign my bread?"
"Wha…?" Stan didn't know what to make of their attention.
"Grunkle Stan, they love you!" Dipper assured him.
"Love…? Me…?" The old conman repeated. A wide grin spread across his face. "On second thought, I'm ok with this!"
Over the next few days, the kids continued to use the tie for all of Stan's interviews and public appearances, and they soon took the lead in the polls. Even though he had only come to town a week and a half ago, it seemed like everyone in Gravity Falls knew him and loved him. And Stan was loving the attention. He decided to go out on the town and take advantage of his new-found popularity. Mabel and Dipper found him in the Greasy's Diner, having some beavertail steaks on the house.
"Grunkle Stan, what's with the leather fringe?" Mabel asked, commenting on his outfit, "And where's your lucky tie?"
"Lucky tie, gotta wear it." Dipper agreed.
"Yeesh, I'm just gettin' a bite to eat, I don't need ya to take the wheel for that." Stan rolled his eyes. "I'm gettin' to know the people on my own level, and lettin' them get to know me! Ain't that right ladies?"
All the ladies in the diner cheered.
"Now just the ladies my age!"
One little old lady at the counter cheered feebly.
"Woof, never mind."
Mabel laughed nervously. "Seriously Grunkle Stan, we need you to wear that tie."
"Y'know, I'm not just doin' this for kicks and giggles." Stan huffed. "I decided to run for Mayor to get you two and my brother to respect me, but now you two are the only ones in town who don't show me any respect!"
"We'd respect you more if you'd take things more seriously!" Dipper said indignantly.
"You think I'm not taking this seriously? There's a lot more at stake here than you kids realize!" Stan shouted.
"Which is why we need you to wear the tie, so you'll win!" Mabel argued.
"No, I'm through with the tie!" Stan slammed his fist down on the table, "I'm gonna prove I can win this election without meddlin' from you, or my know-it-all brother!"
The kids were stunned silent. They exchanged a guilty look.
"Yeah, didn't think I'd figure out where this thing came from, did ya?" He opened up the tie to show the circuitry inside. "There's nowhere else you coulda gotten it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got an election to win!"
"Stan, wait, you can't!" Dipper called out to him, but he made no move to turn around. "Uhg, this is bad. If we want to beat Bud, we need another candidate before the election tomorrow!"
"What we need is a blank slate." Mabel said "Someone we can mold to our whims."
Soos came in from the bathroom, "Hey doods, can I get a little help? I got my head stuck in my shirt sleeve again."
Mabel and Dipper shared a conspiratory glance.
"Dudes?"
Ford showed up to the election feeling very nervous for a plethora of reasons. He'd tried his best to say out of the way of his brother's campaign since their latest fight, but from what he'd heard from Dipper, Stan had fought with the kids yesterday and they were both running on separate tickets now. Apparently Stan had found out where the tie came from and was not happy about it. Ford had been afraid that would happen. But now that they were running against each other, that just made it all the more likely that Bud would win.
The old researcher was also nervous because he wasn't sure how Stan would react if he saw his brother here. But regardless of how Stan felt, Ford wanted to take this chance to support his brother for the first time in far too long.
It was the strangest election Ford had ever seen, and not just because of the birdseed and caged eagles. Mabel and Dipper had taken control of Soos as a last minute candidate, and the two of them were arguing while still leaving the tie on, making Soos's speech seem almost schizophrenic. But Soos wasn't the only one acting peculiar. Bud Gleeful had taken on the mannerisms of his son Gideon, and Ford realized with a chill that the creepy kid had probably copied down some spells from Journal 2 before the scientist took it back.
Despite the bizarre behaviour of his opponents, Stan was really struggling with the questions. So far he'd suggested the town upgrade their cannons and have skirmishes with surrounding towns in order to improve their offences, and called the Statue of Liberty "manish". Gideon/Bud was taking the lead with the bird seed.
After the intermission, a few more oddities cropped up. Gideon/Bud had disappeared during the break, and now Soos was looking around like he was confused as to how he got there. What had happened to the kids!? Ford began to muscle his way through the crowd towards backstage. He'd made it about half-way there when a scream sounded above the crowd. Tyler was pointing up in horror at the giant carving of old Mayor Befuffelfumpter, where a couple of figures we're dangling by a rope.
"Kids!" The elder twins yelled simultaneously.
"Listen everybody! This debate is over!" Stan called out to the crowd, "I gotta go save my family!" He threw off the suit jacket he'd been wearing and left his podium.
"Uh, those are just some… demolition dummies. Nothin' to see here folks!" Gideon/Bud insisted.
"Can it, Gleeful!" Stan shouted at him, dashing backstage.
Ford was continuing to muscle his way out of the crowd, which had become twice as difficult now that everyone was panicking. But what happened next shocked him so much, he paused in his struggles. Stanley was climbing up the scaffolding around the giant carving!?
"What is he doing!? He's afraid of heights!" Ford exclaimed to no one in particular.
The crowd was impressed by Stan's endeavor, throwing so much birdseed to him that it was accumulating in piles at the base of the scaffolding, but it was also inhibiting the one-armed man's progress.
"No, stop it!" Stan cried out, "Thank you, but climbin' this thing's hard enough as it is!"
When Ford finally made his way out of the crowd, it was clear Stan had a much better chance of reaching the kids in time, so the scientist turned his attention to the likely culprit who had put them in danger in the first place. Gideon/Bud was on the verge of a temper tantrum.
"No no no no! Not again!" The controlled fat man punched and kicked at his podium. Then he spied the remote detonator for the fireworks lying on a table backstage, forgotten in the commotion. "Time to take care of them once and for all!"
"Oh no you don't!" Ford tackled him to the ground. He realized too late that may have been a bad idea; Bud was significantly taller than him, and twice his girth.
Up atop the monument, Stan had managed to pull the kids back up to solid ground. They spotted Gideon/Bud and Ford fighting over the detonator. It didn't look like Ford could hold the controlled man off for very long.
"Oh no, we have to get out of here!" Dipper cried.
"But we'll never climb down in time!" Mabel pointed out.
"Climb nothin', we're jumpin'!" Stan scooped them both up in one arm. "Kids," he said solemnly before he sprung, "If I die, make sure I get a bigger tombstone than Ford."
Mabel and Dipper nodded in agreement, and the old conman leapt from the nose of the monument just as Gideon/Bud wrestled the detonator out of Ford's grasp. The three jumpers screamed as the ground rushed up to meet them and the carving above them exploded. Stan's giant pile of birdseed broke their fall like a drift of freshly fallen snow. The debate timer finished its countdown, and the freedom eagles were released. One of them landed on Stan's shoulder and planted a kiss on his forehead.
"Mayor Pines! Mayor Pines! Mayor Pines!" The assembled townsfolk cheered.
"I guess we know who won!" Dipper grinned.
Ford rushed across the stage and enveloped his three family members in a hug. "Don't scare me like that!" He scolded them, and helped them all out of the pit of birdseed, with only minor protests from Stan.
"This just in: Stan Pines loses the election!" The evening news declared.
"What!?" The Pines family protested from their seats around the TV.
"Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify him due to the fact that he has been legally dead for almost 30 years." the reporter explained.
"We really should have seen that coming." Ford sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who filled out their paperwork: local enthusiasm enthusiast Tyler Cutebiker." The newscaster concluded.
Stan shut off the TV with a huff, and fell back into the couch sullenly.
"Aw, I'm sorry Grunkle Stan." Dipper patted him on the back. "I actually think you as Mayor would've been fun."
"Yeah, this town it pretty well quelfed now, but at least I proved to you non-believers I could be the Mayor. That's what's really important." Stan shrugged.
"Yeah, well, I knit you something anyway." Mabel pulled out a brightly colored sash she had knit, with the words "Our Hero" stitched into it. "It's not official, but I think it fits."
Stan took it reverently, his eyes misting up at the kids' thoughtful gift.
"Are you… crying!?" Ford asked incredulously.
"Shut up, I got campaign confetti in my eyes!" Stan barked. He rose to his feet and ran out of the room.
Much later that night, Stan came looking for Ford downstairs in the deconstructed lab. Sure enough,the old researcher was frantically reading through old notes and new data, trying his best to find a way to seal the rift permanently.
Ford looked up as his brother entered. Stan took this as his cue to start strutting. He puffed out his chest, showing off the sash Mabel had made him.
"You jealous?" Stan asked, "You always did want to play the hero, eh?"
"If you've only come here to pick a fight, then I have nothing to say to you." Ford said briskly. Although, if he didn't know any better... he wouldn't say Stan was here to argue. It almost felt as though Stanley was... teasing him, like back when they were teens.
"I saw you tryin' to fight that fat troq earlier… you were just tryin' to save the kids though, weren't you?" Stan said slowly.
"No!" Ford cried indignantly, "Despite what you may feel towards me, you are all my family, and I care about all of you. That's why I tried to fight a man twice my size, and that's why I'm down here working every night! So, if you don't have anything helpful to say, then-"
"Did it ever occur to you that I am here to help you?" Stan asked.
That caught Ford off-guard. "... What!?" He exclaimed after a moment of stunned silence.
Stan scowled. "That's what I thought; never even considered the stupid twin could have something useful to contribute, even though I've been fightin' Bill on my own for twelve years through more dimensions than I can count!"
"No, no, it's not like that at all!" Ford stammered. "I need all the help I can get! I mean…" he back peddled a bit, realizing that could be taken the wrong way. "Of course you must know a lot about Bill and dimensional vortexes. Maybe even more than I do. But you haven't exactly been approachable lately. I didn't think you wanted to help me."
"Yeah, well, desperate times or whatever." Stan muttered, slightly mollified.
"So… what can you help me with?" Ford asked curiously.
Stan pulled out his staff, and twisted the round end. Ford saw the end of the staff glow blue momentarily, before he looked into the secret compartment and saw a rather plain-looking chunk of rock.
"What is it?" Ford asked in awe, plucking up the rock and examining it carefully.
"When you're lookin' at it, it's a crappy piece of rock." He took the pebble back from Ford and held it in his open palm. "But when you're not lookin'..." He closed his hand, hiding the pebble from view. A soft blue glow emanated between his fingers.
"Fascinating!" Ford exclaimed, grabbing the rock again and cupping his hands around it. He'd open his fingers a crack and peek at it every few seconds, playing with it like a little kids. "Where did you find it? How did you find it?"
"I found it in some bizzaro-paradox dimension." Stan explained, "And the less you know about how I found it, the better. Just trust me on that." he watched as his brother continued to play with the stone. "Uh, Ford, you might wanna cut that out. It's radioactive when you're not looking."
Ford put it down on his desk gingerly. "Well then why do you always keep it hidden in your staff!?"
"Cuz it's got some micro camera in the compartment to keep it inactive." Stan waved his worry off.
"Well, that is really cool, but something tells me that's not why you showed it to me."
"Supposedly this could be used to make a gun to blow up Bill."
Once again the old researcher was stunned to silence. "You wouldn't happen to know how to build said gun, would you?"
"Never got that far."
"Do you at least know the theory behind it?"
"All I remember is somethin' about 'disrupting Bill's extradimensional form'." Stan huffed. "Y'know what, this was a stupid idea, nevermind." He scooped up the rock and was about to place it back in the staff, when Ford grabbed him by the wrist.
"No, it wasn't a stupid idea. I'm glad you showed me this. I'm sure I'll be able to figure it out, obscure theory is what I'm best at. It's just…" The old scientist sighed and let go of his brother. "... having a gun to blow up Bill is a great back-up plan, but it'd be even better if he never even made to our dimension. I want to focus on sealing the rift first, then we can work on this."
Stan rolled his eyes. "Yeah, and how much progress are you makin' on that front?"
"I'll have you know, I had a breakthrough earlier this evening. I have two solid theories that just need testing."
"Right. I get it." Stan grunted. "The genius's idea is better, dumb muscle's is crap."
"It's not like that! I just...Uhg!" Ford groaned in frustration. "Fine. If it'll make you happy, I'll study this tonight and see what I can do with it. Who knows, it might be helpful on both fronts."
"Glad you could see things my way." Stan said with a smirk. As he left up the elevator, Ford couldn't help but smile a bit to himself. That was the closest thing to a civil conversation he'd had with his brother in a long time.
Author's note: So close to finishing! I'm thinking... 3 or 4 more chapters? Gosh, that's so crazy to think of. I mean this in the best way possible, but I am really looking forward to finishing this chapter.
