Chapter Twenty-Nine: Akatsuki In Love
Kate
I sat in the corner of the dance party with a trash bin at my side. I had been having a good time until the nausea hit me. That wasn't anything new. Ever since Yola had been rude enough to make me pregnant (I will not say 'impregnate' – never!) waves of nausea had been a common thing. That and weird cravings. Right now Kisame was on a hunt to find one of those little mashed potato martinis I had seen earlier. Not that mashed potato martinis are weird cravings. But I did make him find me some Casu Marzu (cheese with larvae living inside it to add flavor). One look at the insects though and I threw up. Yep. Weird cravings.
"How are you enjoying pregnancy?"
I turned my head and – filled with dread – I saw that to my right stood the horrible, terrifying Yola in all her pregnant glory.
"You," I said flatly.
Yola smiled. "I guess you're enjoying it. So what's the weirdest craving you've had yet?"
"Casy Marzu."
Yola made a face. "I tried that once, disgusting. I've had a few. Sannakja – that's the live octopus tenacles – those things get suctioned real easy, so be careful if you ever have that craving. And then there was Balut – that's a chicken egg that's almost ready to hatch so you can see the baby chick inside when you eat it. Oh – and friend tarantulas, that was truly gross. But the worst – and I say the worst because they're terrible cute – was raw puffin heart."
I threw up in the trash bin.
"Yep," said Yola. "That was my response."
Yola caught sight of someone across the room and left. Seconds after she had gone, Kisame appeared with a mashed potato martini.
"I don't want it now," I groaned.
"Why not?" asked Kisame. "I went and begged them for you."
I pointed at the trash can.
"Ew." Kisame sighed and sat down on the floor next to me. He helped himself to my mashed potato martini. "So, enjoy being the pregnant lady?"
"There are some perks," I said. "My breasts are bigger."
Kisame grinned. "I've noticed."
I glanced down at my chest and then back to Kisame. "You pervert!" I squeaked.
"It's not like I've never seen them before," said Kisame, shrugging. "Those it's nice to have them super sized."
I probably would have responded if Konan did not come sprinting across the room at that moment, crying, "I have Cupid's Bow!"
Kisame and I both sat up to stare at Konan in horror.
"What?" I cried.
Konan stood before us, grinning like a demon, waving the little bow and its matching set of arrows triumphantly.
"Do they work?" asked Kisame in awe.
"They're Cupid's," said Konan. "They'd better work."
"How'd you get them?" I asked.
"I stole it from him while he was flirting with the blond bimbo Hidan was dancing with earlier," said Konan.
"I think this defies the 'try not to be obliterated from existence' rule," I muttered.
"Who cares?" asked Kisame. "We have Cupid's bow! Let's shoot someone! Let's shoot someone! Who should we shoot?" Kisame considered.
Konan was already setting up the now to fire. "Hidan and Dessie will find love again…"
Kisame grinned broadly. "The Love Guru will be successful!"
"And his She-Cupid," I said eagerly.
"And their Aphrodite," said Konan. She aimed the bow, pointing the air directly at Hidan's heart.
Now, at this point most normal people would say this is a terrible idea and we should stop. However, Konan was talking to the Love Guru and a pregnant woman – neither of whom were particularly reasonable even under normal circumstances. So, we let her aim Cupid's bow and fire at Hidan.
She hit Dessie instead.
Dessie stood up and blinked rather stupidly (she couldn't see the arrow that had jut pierced her heart). She turned to the person in front of her and immediately fell madly in love. Unfortunately, that person happened to be Leader.
"You!" cried Dessie, pointing at Leader. "Punk-Ass-Hottie!"
"What?" said Leader. "Me?"
Dessie giggled. "Yes, you."
"What about me?" Leader stared at Dessie in confusion.
Dessie blushed and waved a hand at Leader. "Look away! Look away! Stop it! You're embarrassing me!"
"What…?"
I stared at her, open-mouthed. I would not have believed Dessie could act this way if I did not see it myself. She batted her eyelashes and giggled and flirted like a pro. Oh my god… Is this Dessie when she's seriously in love!
"I think it's the effect of the arrow," said Kisame firmly. "This is not Dessie."
I shook my head mutely.
"How dare she!" cried Konan. "Don't – Don't bat your eyes like that! Leader! Run away from that dangerous she-devil! Run away!"
"I don't think it's working," said Kisame as Dessie enveloped Leader in a giant bear-hug.
"I should shoot her," said Konan.
"You've already shot her!" I wailed.
Konan frowned. "Fine. I'll shoot Hidan instead. Maybe with Hidan in love with her again, she'll forget about Leader!"
"That is disastrous in so many ways, I can't even begin to describe it," I said.
Kisame laughed. "This is hilarious. We should give Konan weapons of love more often!"
Konan drew back the bow and aimed for Hidan. Once again, she missed terribly and struck Deidara instead. Unfortunately, the first person Deidara saw was Madara. Before any of us could fully register what had just happened, Deidara flung his arms around Madara's neck and begged Madara to be his "one and only". Konan didn't really see any of this, because right as she shot Deidara, Dessie had tried to kiss Leader. So, Konan dropped the bow and sprinted across the room to save Leader.
"I love this thing," said Kisame, picking up the bow. "So, Kate, who should we shoot next?"
I paused, considering. As I watched Deidara try to undress Madara (who knew Deidara plus magic Cupid love arrow could equal frightening pervert), all reason left me. This was hilarious!
"You should shoot Zetsu," I said. "He needs to find someone new besides Hannah."
Kisame grinned and drew the bow. Thankfully, he has much better aim than Konan and actually hit Zetsu. Zetsu stood there, blinking stupidly and then he turned to stare at Kakuzu with a ridiculously soppy expression on his face.
"Well this should be funny," said Kisame.
"If Kakuzu doesn't kill him," I said as Zetsu sprinted to Kakuzu's side and licked Kakuzu's cheek. "I think those arrows do funny things to people."
"Definitely," said Kisame. "So who next?"
"Sasori," I said firmly. "He doesn't go crazy enough."
Kisame drew the bow and – whack – sunk an arrow into Sasori's heart. Sasori's eyes fell directly on – insert drum noises here – Konan. He strutted across the floor and caught Konan by the wrist. He said something to her, which made Konan turn bright red and severely ticked Leader off. So, while Leader tried to murder Sasori, Konan dealt with her conflicting feelings, Sasori tried to pursue Konan, and Dessie tried to Hottie-hug-tackle Leader, Kisame and I tried to find our next target. Which was poor Tobi.
The arrow plunged into Tobi's heart. He stood there for a moment, dazed. And then threw his hands up in the air, screaming at the top of his lungs. "Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi would never have unpure thoughts about Deidara-senpai! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Unpure thoughts go away! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy!"
Kisame was doubled over with laughter. "I love messing with Tobi."
"Tobi and Deidara," I said, giggling. "I can see it. All those games of House…"
"Okay," said Kisame, picking up the bow. "I've got our next target."
"Who?" I asked eagerly.
"Itachi Uchiha."
I gasped. "Kisame! You want to wreck the King of Cool's cool?"
Kisame drew the bow and aimed it directly at Itachi, who was standing by the refreshment table sexily watching the mayhem that was occurring with the Akatsuki. Kisame took a deep breath and fired.
Itachi caught the arrow.
I'm not kidding. He just reached out a hand and clasped hold of the arrow. His red eyes flickered directly to us and stayed there. Slowly, he lowered his hand and the arrow disappeared. He walked across the dance floor, never moving his eyes from us.
"Oh crap," said Kisame. "He's going to kill us."
"Hide the bow!" I cried. "Hide the bow!"
"He's already seen it!"
Itachi had arrived. He looked at Kisame and then turned to me. "Kate."
"Yes," I squeaked.
"Well you marry me?"
I fell out of my seat. Literally. "What!"
"Wait!" cried Kisame, stepping in front of Itachi. "Kate is my girlfriend! You're my partner! You can't go around stealing your partner in crime's girlfriend – there are rules against these things! Just ask Leader!" (Leader was currently busying beating Sasori over the head with a drumstick from the refreshment table).
"I'm sorry, Kisame," said Itachi gravely. "But I've realized my undying love for Kate. I caught the arrow the was flying to me and when I looked up – there she was, in all her pregnant beauty."
I was speechless.
"Okay, okay," said Kisame, dropping the bow and arrows to the floor. "I;m sorry whatever karma I've offended! I've learned my lesson – don't use Cupid's bow to be the Love Guru! Don't have Itachi fall in love with my girlfriend! I can't compete with that!"
Itachi bent over and picked up the bow and arrows. "Hn."
Kisame froze. "Wait – what?"
Itachi glared at Kisame. "You do stupid things." And then Itachi walked away, taking Cupid's possessions with him.
"That asshole!" cried Kisame. "He totally played us!"
"What would he have done if I accepted his proposal?" I asked in wonder.
"Kate!" cried Kisame, grabbing me by the shoulders. "Don't tell me he struck you with one of the arrows!"
"What? No. I was just… Never mind." I got to my feet and sighed. "We should probably go save the rest of the Akatsuki."
"Oh… Right…"
How should I describe the scene before the refreshments' table. Deidara had somehow managed to wrestle Madara's shirt off and, in blind rage, Madara had beaten Deidara to a bloody pulp. Madara now stood above the broken body, dusting his hands off. Zetsu was still trying to lick Kakuzu to death and Kakuzu seemed to have reverted to his happy place (a magical world where he has an infinite supply of money). Tobi was still running in circles describing in horrific detail the "unpure thoughts" he was having about Deidara-senpai. Dessie was now trying to strange Konan, who was apparently the object of Leader's affections while Sasori was trying to save Konan, but was preoccupied with Leader (who apparently hadn't noticed Dessie and Konan yet) trying to rip a hole in Sasori's heart.
"They're all insane," I muttered.
Kisame nodded. "What, um, do we do?"
"I don't know…"
"What is going on here?"
A short, fat man dressed entirely in pink stormed across the room, his hands on his hips and his pudgy eyes narrowed in suspicion. Itachi was a little ways behind the man, looking as sexy as usual.
"I take it you must be Cupid," said Kisame sheepishly.
"Were you the one who stole my bow?" snarled Cupid.
"Technically that was Konan…"
Cupid glared. "I should obliterate you where you stand."
"That… That really isn't necessary…" Kisame looked around desperately. Then, he grabbed me by the shoulders and dragged me in front of them. "You see, my girlfriend is pregnant. She needs me to support her! How would you feel about ruining true love and killing a man when his girlfriend needs him the most – that's just cruel!"
"Kisame!" I hissed.
Cupid's eyes narrowed. Then, he turned on his heels and stormed off.
"What's going on?"
I glanced over at the rest of the Akatsuki. Dessie was stilling holding onto Konan's neck, but there was a dazed look on her face. Slowly, she let go of Konan. She stared down at her hands and then back at Konan. "Why was I trying to kill you?" asked Dessie.
"You were in love with Leader…" said Konan, massaging her neck.
"That crazy old man!" cried Dessie. "Ew no."
Sasori kicked Leader off of him and got to his feet. "Well, we're going to pretend that never happened."
"Agreed," said Leader.
Tobi stopped running and stood there, looking rather dumbfounded. "What words just came out of Tobi's mouth?" Tears welled up in Tobi's eyes. "Tobi is a bad boy!" He rushed to Dessie's side and bawled on her shoulder while she glared at him irritably.
Deidara opened his swollen eyes and sat up. He gazed up at the shirtless Madara and blinked.
"Hey, Madara," said Deidara. "This is a fancy party – no shirt, no shoes, no service, uhn."
"You're the one who took it off me, dumbass," said Madara before he kicked Deidara in the face.
Finally, Zetsu stopped licking at sat up. He was straddling Kakuzu's chest – one leg on either side – while Kakuzu was lying on the ground, his eyes glazed over.
"Yuck," said Zetsu. "Why does our mouth taste like mud." He licked his arm. "Kakuzu tastes bad. We won't eat him again." He paused. "We don't think we were eating him…" Horror flooded Zetsu's face and he shrieked. He leapt off Kakuzu and shrieked again. "We didn't do anything! We didn't do anything! What have we done!"
Kakuzu blinked and reality came flooding back. "Is it over?" he asked sitting up.
Zetsu shrieked.
Kakuzu punched him in the face. "You're paying for therapy!"
Well, the good news is – we survive the party without being obliterated by the gods. The bad news its, every single member of the Akatsuki was pissed at Kisame, Konan, and me. I guess that counted as yet another failure by the Love Guru. Please don't tally up the score…
A/N: I do not support any yaoi except for comedic situations. If you are a fangirl - congrats, you have had two chapters to satisfy your dosage, but I will not write it unless it is canon. Just to clear things up.
REVIEW or Kisame will shoot your ass with Cupid's Bow and we'll see what kind of crazy, ugly-ass person you'll end up in bed with the next day.
