Aftermath (Kotoko):
Once more Kotoko felt gratitude for the home expansion of two years ago, even though the decision had been made according to Mrs. Irie's dream of a future whose fate appeared doomed. Just the slight distance between her suite and the family bedrooms made her feel secure that no one could have heard her paces or sobs from the night before. The biting sorrow of missed opportunities and poor timing still had her blinking back tears in the early morning sunlight.
She berated herself as she held a cold washcloth to her swollen eyes. There was nothing she could do to turn back time, after all. And, in a way, she was not that much worse off than before last night; her feelings for Naoki that she had thought—and hoped!—were merely residual had been confirmed to be still full-blown. She had years of experience with that emotion; no, her concern was for others. Naoki, her love of so many years, had finally admitted to mutual feelings, but long past the time in which he should have recognized them. She ached for the desolate future that he faced in the current circumstances.
The one who tore at her heart even more was the gentle, kind soul who had befriended her at her lowest point, the one she had tried so hard to love… "What am I going to do about Jun-kun?" she asked herself. Her reflection gave her no response, no matter how long she stared at it.
Sleepless nights worrying about the situation did not provide a solution either, and her awareness made her jumpy the next few times they met. Knowing that the relationship was faltering and that she was to blame, every day her guilt pushed her closer to resolving the matter while her cowardice and a tiny bit of hope stilled her tongue. She finally circled a date on her calendar to force her own hand.
Kotoko and Watanabe walked home from her father's restaurant after dinner. Watanabe had noticed that the roles appeared to have been switched: while Mr. Aihara had watched the couple with visible concern, Kinnosuke's hostility had given way to civility. Plus, Kotoko's distraction of the past few weeks had almost a frantic intensity this evening. Even though she often reached under the table to clasp his hand, he recognized a distance in her eyes.
He halted their progress in a darkened park. "What's up?" he asked with concern. "There's obviously something on your mind. You look as if you are carrying half the burdens of the world." He glanced around; except for a few people walking dogs, they were alone. "We can be private here."
She sighed. "Oh, Jun-kun…"
"This sounds serious," he said, lifting her chin. "Let's sit down." She followed him obediently to a bench. "Now, what is it?"
"I've been thinking for awhile," she said softly, head down, "that I've been lying to you, or at the very least, leading you on."
He laid a finger on her lips. "You've never lied to me, Kotoko," he told her solemnly. "You said at the very beginning that you didn't know if you would be able to feel the same way as I did."
"You know what I'm going to tell you?" she asked, wide eyes rising to meet his.
"I've been seeing the signs for some time," he said with a wry grin. "Except for our 'adventure' at Christmas, you don't initiate any kisses. And it's been several weeks since you've tried to capture one of my dimples."
"I know." She hung her head again. "I felt so guilty and then didn't know how to talk to you about it. I'm such a failure at relationships."
"Don't say that." He hugged her close, and she leaned against him. "You have no reason to feel guilty. From the very beginning you were always open with your feelings, trying so hard. You were sometimes so eager that you reminded me of a puppy." She shoved him with her elbow for the comparison. "I will admit that it gave me some hope." He took a deep breath. "But you didn't take the time—or I didn't give you the time—to completely deal with your feelings for my friend. I think, instead, you tried to start over completely by sealing away your pain and true emotions."
"Isn't that how it's supposed to be?" she asked.
Watanabe shook his head. "Feelings won't stay buried forever. You started being aware of them again at Christmas, and they're out completely now, aren't they?"
She nodded. "And they're as strong as before. But I'll get over them on my own this time." She made a fist and clenched her jaw in determination.
"Don't," he whispered. "Don't force yourself to try any more." When she stared at him in incredulity, he added with a gentle smile, "Why get over them? Why not embrace them and act on them?"
"I can't. Irie-kun is engaged to Sahoko-san. I'm not going to get between them. No, I'll just—"
"But he loves you."
"Yes, but—you know?" She shook her head in denial of his assenting nod. "It doesn't matter. Pandai needs the money that she can bring."
"Irie needs you. Pandai can rebound on its own; it will just take more time. I know it for a fact—he told me so himself, and you know he's always right." At Kotoko's sniff, he added, "Well, at least about things that don't involve messy feelings." He cupped her face with his hands. "I may love you, but I can't let my best friend end up in a marriage that will destroy his soul."
"But—"
"Kotoko, even at the start of it all I knew there was a chance that I would never win your heart. But at the very least I could protect it until my idiotic friend was ready to accept it."
"I'm so sor—"
Again he placed a finger against her lips. "Don't apologize. I don't consider any of the time I spent with you as wasted."
Her eyes filled with tears. "Jun-kun, I really do like you."
He kissed her forehead. "I know. Now go, and fight for the one that you love."
She pulled off the scarf that he had given her so long ago. She slowly wrapped it around his neck and kissed him lightly. Giving him a shaky grin, she raised an index finger in the air. "One last time?"
Somehow he smiled back, and she poked his dimple and cried, "Caught it!" before she rose and walked away, rubbing her eyes with her sleeve.
He took a deep breath before leaning against the back of the bench. "Playing the good guy bites. Plus, I don't relish telling Mother the news." He ducked his chin and sniffed the muffler. "I'd better wash this if I plan on getting over her any time soon." Nevertheless, he wrapped it even tighter around his neck, although the night was warm, and sat for some minutes before rising to head for home.
A/N: Apologies to my Second Lead Syndrome readers.
