A/N: Another chapter from Scor's point of view! Not sure whether you guys enjoy these different perspectives, but it gives a bit of variety and insight to the story, I think. So please enjoy and please, as always, let me know what you think! I thank everyone for their wonderful support thus far. 3 You guys absolutely rock.
Side note, for anyone out there who happens to enjoy the television show Supernatural, look forward to a new fic coming soon that falls into this fandom. It might come before the new chapter for this or after - I'm not sure right now. But, I'm just very excited to announce that I have begun to work on it :D
Every single day, the ache of losing Albus dulled just slightly. Scorpius wouldn't say he was getting over the man. He would, however, say that he was coping. There was still a small bit of hope that he kept tucked inside, just in case he needed it someday. In case the other changed his mind and came to him one day.
Every day since shortly after sending the letter to Al at St. Mungo's, he had been writing to him. That journal was a brilliant piece of work on his part. But he still wasn't getting any answers. Even after he had told Albus about writing, nothing changed within the leather covers. But he hadn't really expected it to. He had filled up every single crack and crevice he could. There was no room left for Albus to even reply in.
But he still checked it at least twice a day to make sure.
And he still kept a new notebook (nothing fancy, just something cheap and spiral-bound) filled with all of the letters he wrote afterwards. Someday Albus might want to read them….
"You're getting obsessive," Louis muttered to Scorpius one morning in October. He was completely filled in on everything that went through Scorpius' head about his cousin. Louis was the closest person he had to talk to. And, unfortunately, that meant he always received a constant earful.
Scorpius sighed and looked up from the packed pages of the journal. He reached for his cup of orange juice without looking at it, fingers closing around it blindly as he shrugged at Louis. "Sorry?" he whispered, definitely not meaning it. "Can you blame me?"
Snorting, Louis sat down across from his friend at the dining room table. "Yes, I can, because I am not driven by the wills of my cock." He raised a brow in challenge to which he received a gob of oatmeal flung at his face. Wincing, he just sat there as it dripped down his forehead to his cheek.
"I am not driven by the wills of my cock," Scorpius hissed, a shit-eating grin upon his lips. "I'm driven by my soul. The very deepest part of me. Not that I don't find him attractive, because I absolutely do. But it's…deeper than that, you know?"
He sighed, knowing that he sounded like a love-struck teenager. Knowing that he had been through an extreme change in the last year. No longer was he the jerk that guarded his feelings. He didn't put up walls and block out what he was actually thinking. Coming out to his parents – telling them everything – had been therapeutic. It was like…cleansing himself and allowing things to happen as they were destined.
And being with Albus was his true destiny.
"Thank you," Louis muttered, wiping the cereal off with a napkin as best he could. A few chunks stayed behind, clinging to strawberry blonde strands of hair, but he seemed not to notice or care. "And, no, I don't know. I don't understand why you pine after that fruity ball of absolute Sybil-level crazy. Yeah, he's my cousin and I feel bad for the kid, but…. Honestly, you could find someone better. He seems...okay with where he is at and so should you. And you definitely don't have to obsess over him in hopes that one day it could pay off. You know that guy two houses down? The cute, bookish one that sits on his porch swing with his little Muggle screen thing of his? He walks his dog past our house every single morning. And always at the time that you happen to be heading out to your apprenticeship." He tilted his head at an angle, clearly hinting at something.
Uninterested, however, Scorpius literally waved it off. He slowly ran his fingers over the worn leather cover and gave a wistful sigh. His mined wasn't really there. What his friend had to say didn't really matter. He knew he was wrong.
"He's interested in you, idjit!" Louis rolled his eyes, pushing up off the chair. "He walks past at that specific time on purpose! And he always greets you, right? Always smiles and gives you that cute, little wave…. Maybe it's time for you to move on?"
Moving on sounded like a shock of reality. Scorpius was okay at handling reality – he wasn't likely to fall apart over it. And he supposed that was the difference between him and Albus. Something that made them kind of compatible was maybe that he could actually see what was wrong with the world and take it in stride. He wouldn't go so far as to say he was normal, but he definitely had a better grip on life. But moving on? That sounded like something that was just out of his capacity to handle in a healthy way.
Truly, moving on meant that he was to forget about what he was feeling. It had taken him so long to even come to terms with all of it. Why would he ever want to let go of that? That would be just like ripping something out of his chest that kept him going day-to-day. Like getting rid of his own life force and reason for living.
It was practically impossible.
"At least try, alright? I'm so tired of seeing my best mate cry over a boy who can't come enough to his senses to come crawling back to someone he actually loves. Just promise me that you will at least try. At least try to forget about Albus - for a little bit, at least."
How does someone go about forgetting the one they love for just a little bit? Frowning, Scorpius bobbed his head up and down in consent. If he was causing Louis some sort of distress, he could say he would try. Even though he knew it wasn't going to work.
XxX
The date with the boy a few houses down wasn't terrible. The boy was sweet and kind and definitely kept a better head than Albus. He was incredibly smart and worked at a library. The similarities between him and Scorpius' actual love were only subtle. They both loved books, had dark hair that didn't seem to want to lie in place, and carried an intense need for love and affection. But this boy, Landon was his name, didn't have that surprising layer of muscle to tone him into more than just a skinny nerd. And his eyes were a quite blasé shade of brown that didn't keep Scorpius' attention for more than a few seconds.
He wasn't Albus. As much as Scorpius tried to compare them, he wasn't even close. And that was all he could think about as the boy stumbled after him into his bedroom. "I've never done this," he giggled, looking around the pristinely clean room as Scorpius kicked the door shut. He was sure that if he was going to try and get over Al, he had to at least go the full mile. Even if it did sort of sicken him….
"I'm a good teacher," Scorpius whispered, setting his teeth for a moment to Landon's neck before pulling back. Once again looking at his eyes and sighing. "Could you excuse me a moment?"
Landon nodded and took a step back, biting his lip in what could be an adorable way. "Sure. Um…I'll be here…." He giggled again, and Scorpius realized it must be something he did to cope with being nervous.
Scrubbing a hand over his tired face, Scorpius slipped out of the room and down the hall to the bathroom. He closed the door slowly behind him and just leaned against it, forcing himself to breathe. To tell himself that this was okay and if he wanted to be happy, he would have to go through with this. Not that he had to settle down with Landon after this. He just needed to take the step to getting over Albus. Just a step.
"I'm not forgetting you, Allie. I'm not…," he muttered, pushing up off the door and running the water in the sink. After splashing his face to wake up his mind, he turned it off again and grabbed lube from a drawer. His excuse for running out.
Reentering his bedroom took all of Scorpius' will. He steeled his gut and turned the knob, very gently closing the door this time. Landon sat upon the edge of the bed, his eyes pretty wide and wild. Like he'd seen a ghost...
"Alright, Landon?" Scorpius breathed softly, coming to sit beside him. Running his fingers delicately through the boy's hair.
Very slowly, the other bobbed his head up and down. He didn't turn to look at Scorpius or even acknowledge his hand. There was something more distracting on his mind. "Who's Allie?" he whispered, afraid of the answer he would receive.
As he should have been. Eyes narrowing and sliding to a harsh, lifeless grey color, Scorpius stood and stared down at the boy. "Excuse me?!" he hissed. "Why would you...? Where did you...?!" He knew he hadn't mentioned the name. And Louis was out of the night.
Those brown eyes that lacked anything interesting or desirable landed on the open spiral-bound notebook on the bedside table. The only thing not put away in a proper place in the entire room. "I didn't mean to snoop. But...it was there... It looks like you write to him a lot. And the things you say..."
For a moment, Scorpius struggled to remember what he had written that day. The days blurred together, anymore. But they eventually came to him and he blushed upon realization. The other day had been the anniversary of their first 'date'. It was what he thought about that morning. It was all he could think about until he put the words on the page.
"I-I can't do this," he said quietly and reached for the notebook. "I think you should go..." But Landon was already on his way out. He had already realized that this wasn't going to work and didn't want to stay to see it come crashing down. He ran from the house like he was trying to escape the plague, his footsteps only a fleeting thought in Scorpius' mind.
The tube of lube in his hand crashed to the floor carelessly as Scorpius seated himself again on his bed. He scooted up to the pillows, lying back with a mournful sigh as he reread his own words.
Allie,
I have a date tonight. Louis set it up - I don't want to go. I feel like if I go, I'll be trying to forget you. But could I even ever do that?
Do you remember our first date? I don't think I could ever do that with anyone else now. Make them food, that is. It seems too special to just us. I cook for Louis, but that's different. He's a friend and he sort of can't do much on his own... I think his parents spoilt him. I mean...mine did, too. To an extent. At least I know how to make food and keep my room clean.
Two days ago would have been a year anniversary for us. I would have considered it to be our anniversary, at least. But not anymore. Well...I still do, but I know that you don't. You're with him now. You have wonderful, fun dates with him. He cooks for you and gives you wine and makes bedroom eyes at you over the table. He kisses you and takes your breath away and makes you blush. His spunk gives you hiccups when you swallow and his cock causes you to confess your love. You're doing everything with him that I desired for us since then. Both realized and unrealized at the time. And I... I am going on a date with a kid who reminds me of you in ways that make me want to walk away because he definitely isn't you.
You've come so far since a year ago. You're happy, you say. And I just sit here in my bed every morning writing letters that you will never see.
I should have realized my feelings before. I've said this so many times in the letters, but I can't help but to wish it enough. If only I had been who I am now back then, things could have been different for us. And that is my biggest regret.
I don't know what you're doing today. But I know that I will be on a date with someone who could never measure up to you. That's because no one could ever hope to do that. So, I hope you enjoy whatever you have in store for today. And I (selfishly) hope you at least think of me.
I will be thinking of you at every turn.
Love you with all my heart,
Scorpius
No wonder Landon ran... Running his fingers through his hair, he set the notebook aside and rested fully against his pillows. Staring at the ceiling, he couldn't help but to feel relieved about the night. Landon was fine - there was nothing really wrong with him. And under better circumstances, maybe he could have dated him. But this date tonight had really actually just sealed his decision to wait. No matter how long it took, he could wait for Albus.
And until then, he could work his ass off to be the best potioneer he could be. Maybe one day he could even have his own a potionry. He could make his way in the world and be well-respected enough for someone to desire him. The Potters and Weasleys could come to love him. All he had to do was prove himself.
XxX
"Is he still sleeping in there, then?"
Scorpius' hand stilled in stirring scrambled eggs, looking over at the two plates he'd put on the counter. Louis' question caused him to freeze just long enough to recall the night before. Clearing his throat, he shook his head and continued. "Uh...no. Landon didn't stay last night... This other plate was for you."
"He didn't stay... So you fucked him last night, right?" Louis settled up against the counter at Scorpius' right, reaching for his friend's cup of coffee and taking a hearty sip. His eyes were rimmed with bruises from a lack of sleep and his whole body sort of sagged. Since starting school, he'd been pulling some late nights. They were definitely starting to show. "He just left after?"
"Not exactly..." Scorpius visibly winced, turning the burner dial until the flame extinguished. He busied about scooping a good helping of the eggs mixed with bacon onto each plate and placing bread in the toaster, knowing that Louis was giving him a death glare. Knowing just what he was thinking. "Before you say anything, you need to know that I tried. I was all set to do it..."
Sighing heavily and rubbing his temple, Louis turned away to pour his own mug of coffee. "And what happened to stop it?"
The explanation for that question brought an almost crippling pain to Scorpius' stomach. He knew he would have to admit the real reason... "Um," he started, buttering the toast after it popped up. "Well...he found my notebook. Or...well, I guess I left it open for him to see. Not on purpose! It just... It was an unfortunate accident..."
"You're a fucking idiot."
The venom in Louis' voice was only half real. Nevertheless, when he stalked out of the room, Scorpius couldn't help but to feel humiliated. He took his plate to the table and pushed his food around, unable to focus anymore in order to actually eat it.
Yes, he was aware that he was a bit stubborn and kind of was an idiot. But he couldn't help it. Albus was too much the center of his world for him to resist the boy taking over his life. Was that such a bad thing?
Not but a few moments later, heavy clash of an object hitting the table in front of Scorpius pulled him from his stupor. He blinked for a moment, looking back at Louis who was giving a cocky smile, then turned back to examine what it was.
A phone. Well, not just any phone - Louis' cell phone. The same one Scorpius had used to call Albus on nearly two months ago. He just stared at the black chunk of Muggle technology, recalling the conversation from that night with perfect clarity. It was a night he wasn't likely to forget any time soon. "You should call him again," he heard his friend whisper behind him around a mouthful of egg.
A frown in his lips, Scorpius picked the phone up carefully. "But... But I thought you said I needed to move on, Lou..."
"Yeah, well, I was a Slytherin, Scor. So...it was actually a test. Surprise - I tricked you!" Louis laughed, but it was clear he took no enjoyment from this. "I just needed to see how serious you were about this. About Albus. If it were possible for you to get over him, I wanted you to. This could be a long road for you and if you could escape that, I felt like it would be good for you. But I can see you felt like last night was a mistake so... So call him. Keep trying to win him back."
His fingers running over the smooth screen, Scorpius nodded. He was hesitant to listen to what Louis said. And yet...he really just wanted to hear Albus' voice again. He wanted to tell him he loved him again and hear his breathing change pace. He could lie and say he wasn't effected by the words, but Scorpius could tell the truth. Somewhere deep down he still cared.
"Fine. I'll call him again," he said softly, the words intended to come out indifferent. But somehow he couldn't keep the small hint of excitement from them. His finger found the button to wake the device up, sliding it open to unlock it. He still wasn't used to using such 'technology', not having grown up around it throughout his life. But Louis hadn't either – they were figuring all of this Muggle crap out together. And that started with figuring this phone out.
They had been working on it for a few months now and it finally seemed like they had a good hold on how it worked. Well…not how it worked, per se. That was still a mystery as it didn't run on magic, but it also had no visible wires to connect it for the transmissions it made. But working it was something they had come to terms with.
Taking a small breath in through his teeth and holding it, Scorpius panned through the few contacts down to the one titled 'Nutter'. It wasn't his choice or even something he approved of, but it was Louis' phone and he thought he was funny. "Here goes," he whispered, pressing 'Dial' and raising the phone to his ear.
The ringing tone sounded three times before there was an answer. Each ring brought his heart to beat at a faster pace. He felt like he was just waiting for something bad to happen. Like every single second he waited brought another horrible possibility to light. Every second Albus didn't answer meant he had something better to do than talk to him. And that reality was a little too hard to take.
"Yes?"
Surprised, Scorpius pulled the phone back from his ear to stare at the details of the call. Making sure he had dialed the correct number. It still came up as Albus' contact information. But the voice on the other end lacked his soft timbre. It was harsher and heavier and deeper. It wasn't melodic or anything he could listen to for hours on end. It wasn't Albus.
His breathing stilled as he realized what that must mean. That man Albus had chosen over him – that was who this must be. And he certainly didn't want to speak to him. He wasn't even sure this man should know he was calling Albus! Wouldn't he be angry? Chances were he already knew what had brought the Potter boy to his breaking point. He had to have known it had to do mostly with Scorpius and his lack of will and conviction for what was inherently right for him. He had to blame him for this, right? For the breakdown and the need to cling to something that was different. Maybe this Devan guy was grateful for that, at least, as it was what brought Al to being in a relationship with him instead of Scorpius. But would he be upset about the steps that had brought them to that point?
So he didn't speak. He tried not to even make a sound to alert the man on the other end to his presence still on the line. All he could bring himself to do was wait and listen. Maybe Albus could speak and it would be worth it.
"Hello?!" Devan snapped, his sparking voice causing Scorpius to visibly wince. "Is someone there?"
Scorpius still didn't dare to answer. He turned to look at Louis who watched with a raised brow. Looking for guidance but not willing to open his mouth and explain the situation.
With a snort, Devan said, "Are you going to say anything, whoever you are?" with a severely snarky tone. "If you're calling for Albus, you might want to say your piece now…." He chuckled, the sound becoming distant for a moment before returning. "And if you aren't or you don't talk, I'm hanging up. Allie's gagging for his morning fuck and I'm rather eager to get to it."
"Dev! If that's someone I know on the phone, I'm going to ki-"
The line went dead after that. Albus hadn't even sounded upset. He had laughed. It was only a soft sound and his voice was faint, but there was no mistaking his tone. It was him alright and he apparently found it mildly funny that his boyfriend was divulging details of their sex life to a voiceless person over the phone.
His jaw dropping just slightly in horror and shock and disgust, Scorpius set the phone on the table. It was no longer connected to any call, so he locked it with a sigh and slid it away from him. He didn't even know what to think of that. Apparently Albus really was happy. Apparently he really did love his new boyfriend and could forgive him for incredibly humiliating stunts.
And that only made Scorpius angry. His fists flexing into tight balls at his side, he stood up from his chair and paced to the sink. "Apparently…I should call later in the day," he grumbled and pulled a glass down from the cupboard. "Apparently…he's too busy receiving his 'morning fucking' to pick up his own goddam mobile." He sighed softly, his head dropping measurably as he filled the glass with water.
Once it was filled, he didn't even bring it to his lips. He just kept it sitting on the counter as he stared down at its settling surface. It was a distraction. A way to try and forget what had just happened. Something to busy his hands while he tried to come to terms with the facts.
Albus was happy as he was. As much as he wanted to believe otherwise, he couldn't pretend like that wasn't the case. And if he was going to wait for that to change, it might take longer than he wished. It might take a lifetime. Somehow he had to prepare himself for that long journey….
"This is going to suck, Lou. I swear Albus will be the death of me in the end…."
