So this is a fail and a half. (who says that..?) Anyways, this is actually like 7 months late which is so pathetic. I really have no excuse, but you guys have reasons not to read this anymore. So I'm REEEALLY sorry, and I don't even know, I never got inspiration to write this. But I promise I will never keep you waiting that long again. Again, I'm REEEALLY sorry. Enjoy.

I sit at the edge of the bed, my legs crossed as Caelyn crawls around next to me. I grab her squirming body and place her at my feet..

"Remember, her nap time is at 1. And you have to wake her up by 3, no later and no earlier. Oh yeah, and-"

"Lilly," Oliver says "I know. I'm a parent too."

"I-I know, I'm just gonna miss her so much!" I sigh. I have to leave for New Jersey in less than forty five minutes. Alone. I'll be missing my daughters first birthday and not see her for four days. I can't remember a time I've been without Caelyn for more than an hour, and now I have to leave her for four days, one of them being her birthday.

"Are you sure you don't want to take her with you?" Oliver asks me, resting his hand on mine and looking concerned.

"I can't." I shake my head, and gaze out the window. "My mom wouldn't want me to, and it's too stressful for Cae, flying there and then back home. It's not fair to either of them, especially since it's her birthday." My voice cracks on the word birthday. I can't believe my baby girl is turning one and I can't be there to see it.

"Lils, I'll come with you. We aren't living off food stamps, we can afford it."

I take time to process this and shake my head. "No."

"Come on, Lilly. I'll just come out on Wednesday for the funeral."

Oliver pleads and I know he's aware of how much I need him there. I tried to tell myself that yes, I could do it alone and it won't be that hard, but in the back of my mind I knew by the middle of the funeral I'd be sobbing in the bathroom silently, making sure no one heard. At least with Oliver and Caelyn there I'll feel safer, more protected from whatever it is I'm so afraid of. Maybe it's seeing my grandmother there, lifeless, or maybe it's just the final goodbye, the time when I'm finally aware that she's actually gone and this isn't just a bad dream.

I sigh and nod my head so little that it's barely visible. Oliver smiles. "I'll see you there, I guess?"


"Say hi to Daddy!"

Caelyn mumbles some words I can't understand and I laugh, lifting the phone back to my ear.

"Okay, so I guess I'll see you Wednesday?"

I nod weakly and when I realize Oliver can't actually see me, I speak up. "Yeah. Wednesday it is."

"Alright, bye. Love you."

"Love you too, bye."

"W-wuv Mama!"

I gasp and lift Caelyn up. "Mom, did you hear her? Oh my god, did you? Cae, say it again for Mommy!"

Caelyn stays silent and sucks on her finger. My mom laughs as we get into the rental car. I set up Caelyn's car seat and sit in the back with her, tickling her stomach and watching her laugh.

"Hi baby girl."

She giggles.

"Can you say mama? Mama?"

Caelyn stay silent, giggling slightly. My mom looks at us through the rear view mirror. "So have you figured out what you're gonna do with the new baby?"

I raise my eyebrows at the way my mom words this. What we're gonna do? "Um, well I was thinking I would give birth to him/her, so..."

She rolls her eyes. "How are you going to afford it? Where is it going to sleep?"

I groan. I don't appreciate her calling my unborn child 'it'. "I don't know yet." I sigh. "I'll figure it out soon."

"You only have so much time to figure it out, Lilly." My mom scolds.

"I'm aware."

She pulls into my grandma's driveway and I pick Caelyn up and take her inside. It's so bittersweet to be here. But mostly just bitter.

I lay on the couch with Caelyn. "You're so beautiful. Did you know that, Cae?" She curls up next to me and my heart just melts. I love her so much. "Do you miss daddy as much as I do?" She just smiles and looks at me.

I close my eyes for a couple of minutes, cuddling my daughter. I notice a horrible pain in my stomach and groan.

"Mommmmm! Mom, come here!"

"One second, Lilly!" My mom yells from upstairs.

I hear her footsteps down the stairs and she comes up next to me. "Yes?"

"My-my stomach."

My mom looks worried. "What's wrong?" She dashes across the room before I can even answer, grabbing the keys.

"It feels like," I almost scream in pain. "like...contractions. Oh my God." I take a deep breath and press my hand up against my mouth.

"Let's go." My mom says. She's in panic mode.

My eyes widen and I feel tears come to them. "Mommy, is the baby gonna be okay? Please, please tell me the baby's okay."

"Come on, Lilly." My mom doesn't look me in the eyes, she keeps her eyes on the ground in front of her. I get Caelyn in her car seat as we're pulling out of the driveway.

My stomach pains get worse and worse until I can hardly breathe. I focus on the floor, my shoes, my daughter. Anything that almost gets my mind off of this pain.

My mom drives at least 70 mph, speeding as fast as she can to get us there. I'm almost crying now. Not just at the pain, but at the fact that something could be wrong with my little baby. I hope it's something else. I seriously hope so.

I notice the sharp left turn my mom makes into the ER parking lot. She quickly pulls into a handicap parking spot. I pray that we don't get towed for this.

We get out of the car and my mom grabs Caelyn out of my hands. "Let's go, Lilly. Let's go." Her voice isn't soft, it sounds more demanding than anything. I cringe.

I run into the Emergency Room, going right up to the front desk. I'm in too much pain to explain what's wrong. My mom explains instead.

"My daughter is six weeks pregnant. She's in pain, it feels like contractions."

I nod at the woman at the front desk. "Okay, okay, we're getting a room for you."

They put me on a stretcher and I groan. I feel like I'm giving birth again. I really, really hope the baby is okay. I get in my own room quickly, and before I know it, at least four different iv's are put in my arms. They've set me up to all these machines. It really scares me. This all makes it look so serious. And serious isn't good.

"Mom...can you c-call Ol-?" I can't finish my sentence after a new wave of pain washes over me.

My mom nods, taking her phone out and calling Oliver.

"Hello, Oliver. Lilly is here and we're at the hospital."

I can imagine his face going blank, and him half whispering. "What? Why?"

My mom takes a deep breath before telling him why. "Um, she's feeling a lot of pain in her stomach. We think something might be wrong with the baby."

I try to make out what he says instead of focusing on my pain. It sounds something like. "Oh my God. Shit. No." I know that right now he's running his hand through his hair, biting his lip.

"We'll keep you updated, okay? Bye." My mom says into the phone.

I look up at the doctors, who are testing to see what's wrong. "What's wrong?" I groan. "Is the baby okay?"

"We're not sure yet." One doctor says to me. "Keep hanging in their, sweetheart. We're gonna need you to lift up your shirt so we can do an ultrasound."

I nod, almost crying. My eyes are filled with tears. All I want right now is for the baby to be okay. The doctors spread the gel over my stomach frantically, checking to see inside my stomach.

I cover my eyes, I can't even look at the screen, I'm too scared. My mom holds my hand, and I can tell she's looking at the screen, trying to find an answer.

"Lilly, Heather, it looks like the baby has stopped breathing."

I don't know what this means. Is the baby gonna be okay? Can they make him/her start breathing again? Is my unborn child...dead?

"Does that mean that I-I- had a-?" I cry to the doctors, my mom, everyone in the room who has more of a clue than I do.

I cover my face with my hand and cry my heart out.

"I'm sorry, Lillian. You miscarried. There isn't anything we can do about this. I'm sorry for your loss."

I cry. I cry for my baby, the one I will never get to see talk, or go to school, or get married or anything. I've lost my child and there is nothing that I can do about it.